Food Network Star Week Two

Where...do...I...begin?

I think the biggest challenge this season is going to be staying invested in the contestants long enough to actually care who emerges victorious.

In past seasons, usually by week two you really get a sense of who the contenders are and who will be going home by the midpoint. This season it's anybody's game. Lenny is still the strongest contender, and he almost won me over by helping out Aryen. But then he acted like he'd somehow been robbed of the credit when Alton complimented her save of the flour. Dude, I was on your side. Grow the hell up. It's not like the cameras aren't on you constantly, capturing every decision you make.

Um, Sarah? You're whining that the challenges keep getting harder? It's the second week! Haven't you seen the show?

Emma, you're still boring. You should have gone home last week. But I can tell you that if it were up to me, I'd keep you in the competition until we get rid of that brat Loreal, because her personality is just rubbing me the wrong way. I'll happily take boring over obnoxious.

I would say I'm displeased that Luca went home instead of Kenny, but as I mentioned I really don't care. There is literally nobody in this competition that I'm rooting for. This is my fourth season watching, and I have to say it's the weakest batch of contestants I've ever seen. Lenny is my top pick purely by default.

So what does this say about the behind the scenes of the show? Did the Food Network really not screen their contestants thoroughly this year? Did they simply aim for the most attractive bunch they could find instead of examining real cooking show potential?

Here's my big question: at what point did the Food Network decide to stick Chad and Martie in the Star Salvation? Maybe this was always the plan, since Star Salvation proved to be so useless last year. Or maybe they gathered this season's contestants together, saw what they had to work with, and said "Lord, we're going to get stuck with one of these wombats, we need to bring back someone we shouldn't have eliminated."

I guess I'm being cruel, but I've seen contestants with real potential who just didn't develop over the course of the competition. I don't have a lot of hope for a bunch of contestants who are already showing such a lack of potential to blossom.

My money is still on Chad.

Food Network Star Week One

Hopefully this blog won't be a bust.

I say that because the opening episode was kind of boring. Yeah, I get that we're just getting to know the contestants, but in past seasons you usually are left with a pretty solid sense of who the real contenders are, who the villains are, you've chosen a favorite, etc.

Two contestants stood out to me tonight. The first was Lenny the gourmet cowboy or however it was he identified himself. I'm not really rooting for him per se, or even against him, but he showed a solid blend of confidence, talent and human ability to screw up that if he'd been in past seasons he could have really shined.

And that taps into the basic problem that I'm already seeing with this season, the ten contestants that didn't stand out...um...didn't stand out. They may as well be interchangeable. They all seem pleasant, happy to be there, and unmemorable. I guess, except for Emma who I'll always remember as being the one who should have been sent home tonight for being exceptionally unmemorable.

But let's talk about Donna, who was sent home and was frankly the only other contestant who caught my attention. She started off very likeable and was quickly claiming my spiritual support. Then she took the stage. Dear God, she took the stage. I'm a bit sad that Ross Matthews nailed it with his comparison of her presence to musical theater because I was really looking forward to making that point myself.

Thanks Ross. You ruined my blog. Don't get me wrong, you're awesome. But you ruined my blog.

But suffice to say, I didn't think Donna should have been kicked. It's a lot easier to tone someone down that to pump someone up, which is why Emma should have gone home. Donna had personality. Maybe a little too much. But when she was doing her personal reflections to the camera, I felt she was really quite genuine. She may have been a contender, or a villain, it was too early of a call. I suppose there's always the Star Salvation, but I'm not banking on her.

So at this point my guess is there's not an agenda from the Food Network this year. They've gathered arguably the most attractive group of contestants I've seen (even generically so) and considering the dynamics aren't really present, at least not out of the gate, perhaps the Food Network doesn't even care who wins.

Perhaps.

The wild card this year is Chad Rosenthal and Martie Duncan competing in the Star Salvation, both being fan favorites. Well, Chad was. Supposedly Martie was as well, but she made it to an audience vote and wasn't selected.

All things considered, I would not be surprised if Chad took it this year.

The Next Food Network Star

So now that I have a blog, I've decided to try doing something traditionally bloggy with it, and with The Food Network Star starting tomorrow night, this seems like the ideal outlet.

I've been watching The Next Food Network Star (or whatever they're calling it now) for the past three seasons, mainly because the rest of the household got into it and it fills the summer months when Once Upon a Time isn't airing. Let me be clear on this: I LIKE the Food Network, even if it's really become the Competition-With-Some-Food-Themes-Somewhere Network. I don't really mind so much. I get that competition draws viewers, and the channel is a business which relies on viewership. I can even respect that.

I also respect the Food Network enough to call bullshit when I see it.

So let me backtrack. In 2011 Jeff Mauro won. He wasn't my favorite, but I understand why he won. The following year was the Bobby Flay, Giada De Laurentiis and Alton Brown 'team' format. Curiously things sort of worked out where each coach had one contestant in the final round (sort of). There was never any mention in the rules from what I remember that this was going to happen, so it struck me as odd that the teams would just happen to do better or worse in such a way that it worked out so evenly in the end (again, sort of).

Now I also understand that reality television isn't reality, it's doctored. In the 2011 year Penny Davidi went down in history as the villain of the season, and she was certainly made to look so. The show kind of embellished the conflict between her and Mary Beth Albright (of 3rd Rock From the Sun?). By the end of the season Mary Beth revealed herself to be not quite the honorable contestant she'd been portrayed as, leaving me to wonder if Penny had been a bit of a punching bag by the network. But, whatever right? That's show business.

Back to 2012. Team Giada's contestant was Yvan Lemoine, and quite frankly all signs pointed to him winning. Team Alton was Justin Warner, who wound up winning and then...there went that. People were surprised that Justin won. I think we were all banking on Yvan. And I also got the sense that the Food Network wanted Yvan, but it was up to the audience to vote. They voted in Justin.

Stepping back again, here was the final lineup. Yvan on team Giada. Michelle Ragussis on Team Bobby. And the executives threw a curveball by having two of Alton Brown's team in the final episode, Justin Warner and Martie Duncan.

Why did they do this? Just for the added tension? Maybe. Or maybe the network thought two contestants would divide the audience vote for Alton Brown giving Yvan the win.

Obviously as I write this blog I'm making no apologies about speculation. These are my opinions, and I usually write fiction, so I reserve the right to be wrong. But as a fiction writer, I'm in the habit of examining character motivations and figuring out why a character suddenly behaves erratically. That's what I'm doing with this blog. I'm speculating on the character of the powers at the Food Network.

Why? Because of what happened the next year.

It was apparent that Chad Rosenthal, Nikki Dinki and Stacey Poon-Kinney were just in a different league than the rest of the competitors. All three showed very strong talent week after week. Then Chad had one bad week and he was gone. Then Nikki had one bad week and she was gone. And Stacey made it to the final four and tripped up and was gone. Leaving behind the consistently mediocre Damaris Phillips up against Rodney Henry and Russell Jackson; two very nice guys, but who'd had so many bad weeks they never should have made it to the end of the competition.

And that's why I'm calling bullshit.

You see, this was around the time that the whole Paula Deen thing blew up. This is a big maybe, but maaaayyyybeeeee the Food Network was looking for a new southern woman to replace Deen. And maaaayyyybeeeee the channel sabotaged some of the strongest competitors to pit the one they wanted against two contestants who clearly weren't going to win.

Would they do that?

Well, exhibit-what am I on now? D? E? Danushka Freaking Lysek. The part time model turned private chef who lasted three weeks in the competition and couldn't have been less interesting or demonstrate any less talent or screen presence. Then at the finale, Bobby Flay was asked if there was a contestant who he'd like to have seen more from. He chose Danushka. He said he felt she had a lot to offer or some crap like that.

I like Bobby Flay. I wish his show Three Days to Open with Bobby Flay had lasted because it had more heart than Restaurant Impossible. I don't believe he saw any talent in Danushka. I believe someone above him on the Food Chain told him to say that.

So all this to say that my respect for the Food Network unseen forces is in question, and with the show starting up again tomorrow I'm going to be watching. And blogging about what I see and critically evaluating it.

We'll see how this goes.

The Ampersand

 

 

 

 

 

Scene: The Laugh Liberation Front (unfilmed and unloved)

I used to do dinner theater at the Stardome Comedy Club, and one of my co-workers asked me to try my hand at a sketch based on this idea. I don't know if he ever did anything with it, or liked it for that matter, but I just read back over it and it made me chuckle a few times. So here it is.

Oh yeah, the more savvy of you might catch the theme of the character names I'm using here.

The Laugh Liberation Front

 

The video opens in a restaurant. Several people are pleasantly enjoying their meals and speaking indiscreetly to each other when three guys in outlandish clothing burst into the room.

 

Bob: (the unofficial leader of the LFF who speaks as if he's a heavy metal singer addressing a mosh pit). Are you ready to laugh?

 

Nobody in the restaurant is able to respond.

 

Bob: Knock knock! (there is a silent pause from the room) Can I get a 'Who's there"? (still no response) I can't hear you!

 

Man at the table: (awkwardly) We didn't say anything.

 

Bob: I can't hear you!

 

Man: (louder) We didn't say anything!

 

Bob ignores the man and turns to Chuck and Friz as if he's cuing up the opening song.

 

Bob: One! Two! Three!

 

The three of them begin running around the restaurant scatting Yakity Sax. The patrons continue their stunned silence.

Cut to the news studio with a closeup on the newscaster.

 

Mel: Good evening. I'm Mel Schaffer and this is Datebreak. Our top story is the Laugh Liberation Front, to give you an idea of what kind of news day it's been. Are they a public service or a public nuisance?

 

Friz: (from off camera) Hi out there.

 

Mel: (to Friz) Not yet. (returning to the camera) Here to share and insider's view-

 

Friz: Timing is everything.

 

Mel: (stopping him) Be quiet. Here to share an insider's view on this organization is Friz Sergei, co-founder of the LLF. Welcome.

 

Camera reveals Friz in the studio. He is wearing a clown wig and accessories. He responds by holding his hands up to the sides of his head like antlers and making a face.

 

Mel: (noticeably irritated) And also joining us is Chuck (he checks the back of the page he's reading for the last name)

 

Chuck: One name.

 

Mel: Onename? (Chuck audibly indicates correctness). I'd like to pose my first question to you Mr. Onename. (camera reveals Chuck to be dressed in regular clothing)

 

Friz: Talk to me first.

 

Mel: No.

 

Chuck: It's one name.

 

Mel: That's what I said, Mr. Onename.

 

Friz: I'm closer.

 

Mel: Be quiet.

 

Chuck: No, it's Chuck.

 

Mel: (trying to understand) Chuck.

 

Chuck: One name.

 

Mel: Yes. Chuck Onename.

 

Chuck: No!

 

Friz: I'd like to chuck one name.

 

Chuck: Just call me Chuck. It's a single name like...(he tries to think of something but Friz jumps in.)

 

Friz: Stanley.

 

Chuck: Like Stanley.

 

Mel: Okay I've got it now.

 

Friz: Actually Stan Lee is two names.

 

Mel: My first question is to you Chuck.

 

Friz: Stanley.

 

Mel: Stanley.

 

Chuck: Chuck!

 

Mel: Sorry. Chuck.

 

Friz: Onename.

 

Chuck: Friz!

 

Mel: Chuck.

 

Friz: Mel.

 

Mel pulls Friz's wig off and tosses it to the side forcing him to temporarily leave the set.

 

Mel: My first question is to you...(he pauses at a loss for the name now and just ignores it all together.) How did you get involved with the Laugh Liberation Front?

 

Chuck: A few years ago Bob and I were in line at the airport and we noticed all those signs about 'We take airport security seriously' and 'Bomb threats are not a joke to us' and it just went on and on like terrorists are going to be discouraged from blowing up a plane because airline won't find it funny and we got to thinking about how humorless the world has become. So we took a long look at what people need right now and that's to be reminded how to laugh.

 

Mel: So you founded the Laugh Liberation Front.

 

Chuck: On the nose!

 

Action cuts to a funeral service where a reverend has just begun the eulogy.

 

Reverend: There is so much we have yet to understand about why tragedy never befalls those who deserve it. Is this life merely a test of patience?

 

Bob: (entering with Chuck and Friz) Hey who died and made you sad? Let's get ready to have some fun!

 

Reverend: Not again.

 

Bob: Hey Chuck!

 

Chuck: Yes Bob!

 

Bob: Do you know why fish swim in salt water?

 

Chuck: Yes I do.

 

Bob looks accusingly at Chuck for botching the joke. Friz runs amok waving a rubber chicken.

 

Friz: Hey you want to see an impression?

 

Reverend: No!

 

Back in the studio with Friz responding to an implied question.

 

Friz: I focus on physical comedy.

 

Mel: For example?

 

Friz: Pies in the face. Squirt guns. The two by four plank on the shoulder is my favorite bit.

 

Mel: And you do this spontaneously?

 

Friz: Oh yeah. One time I took down a whole stairwell of college kids.

 

Mel: Was anyone hurt?

 

Friz: Yeah, you should have been there.

 

Cut to a bank scene where the three of them run in with toy guns with the 'Bang' flags.

 

Bob: Nobody get down on the ground! This isn't a hold up! Everyone keep doing what you're doing but laugh! (nobody moves) I said laugh damn it!

 

Chuck: Nobody's laughing.

 

Friz does an elaborate pratfall to dead silence.

 

Chuck: Maybe we should tickle someone.

 

They proceed to assault a bystander. Cut to different location shots of various people being interviewed who have encountered the LLF.

 

Information booth attendant: I'm trying to give this guy directions and these idiots come out of nowhere wanting to know how to get to Carnegie Hall. I lost three customers today!

 

Reporter: Isn't this a free service?

 

Information booth attendant: (casually sliding a handwritten sign with the information price on it out of sight) Uh...yeah.

 

Business-type: I'm sure it's all in good fun but as an elected member of the town council, I look forward to the day when we no longer need such ridiculous organizations.

 

Interviewer: You feel we need the LLF at this time?

 

Business-type: What's the LLF?

 

Interviewer: The Laugh Liberation Front.

 

Business-type: Oh, I'm sorry. No, to hell with them.

 

Interviewer: What did you think we were talking about?

 

Business-type: The town council.

 

Angry woman: This guy said 'do you want to smell this flower' and then drenched me before I could get away! And not like a single spray! He had it hooked up to a pressure hose or something, I mean look at my shirt!

 

Interviewer: Okay.

 

The interviewer stares at her chest. In the studio, Friz has taken over the spotlight.

 

Friz: The community needs us. We do the things that other people want to do but are too afraid of being judged.

 

Chuck: Or arrested.

 

Friz: Or arrested. People need to laugh. It's a biological necessity. Laughter is what separates us from cacti.

 

Chuck: And you want to be separated from cacti.

 

Friz: That wasn't my fault by the way.

 

Mel: So your philosophy is laughter is the best medicine?

 

Friz: Yes, sometimes medicine has to be forced down a patient's throat.

 

Museum shot where Bob's voice can be heard over the intercom.

 

Bob: My name is Zor. I'm your new museum curator. In accordance of the rules of the exhibitions everyone has to be naked starting now.

 

Back in the studio.

 

Chuck: It started off with an idea that two people had and then it became this huge entity all its own. We picked up Friz here.

 

Mel: And then?

 

Chuck: (after a pause) And then what?

 

Mel: That's my question.

 

Chuck: You're really weird you know that?

 

Mel: It became this huge entity because you picked up Friz and then...what?

 

Chuck and Friz exchange a glance.

 

Friz: You just don't get it do you?

 

Outdoor scene with a law enforcement official speaking into a walkie talkie. He is evidently on a stakeout.

 

Official: Unit two report in. Suspect is leaving the nightclub. Unit five do we have visual confirmation that the suspect has the parcel. Copy that unit five. All units hold position. Prepare to move in on my command.

 

Bob, Friz and Chuck run past the official singing "It's the rapture step in time" as loudly as possible. The official is bewildered.

 

Official: I'm sorry, what are we doing again?

 

Voice on the radio: Nevermind, the suspect got away.

 

In studio.

 

Chuck: I'm a huge fan of British comedy so I like to focus my talents on subtle wit. Of course that kind of humor is a little difficult for most people to grasp but I think of myself as an artist who's work has to exist for its own sake.

 

Mel: Does that mean you're not funny?

 

Chuck: It means I don't go for the easy laugh.

 

Mel: So people don't laugh.

 

Chuck: They don't laugh because they don't get it, not because it isn't funny.

 

Mel: Give me an example,

 

Chuck: Okay, just yesterday I went into a fast food place and I ordered a value meal. And I said 'can you make that drink a large?'

 

A tedious pause.

 

Mel: You're right. I don't get it.

 

Chuck: See, on the value meals the drink is already a large.

 

Mel: So it's funny because you're asking for something that you're...

 

Chuck: Going to get anyway. Yes. And of course the cashier didn't get it, but that's why it's wit.

 

Friz: (off camera) Are you getting this. I'm doing some really funny stuff over here.

 

Chuck: Just ignore him, he has a social disorder.

 

A crash is heard.

 

Mel: What was that?

 

Friz: Did you see that?

 

Cut to a doctor's office where the trio enter wearing doctor's robes.

 

Bob: Okay, we've got your prescription.

 

Patient: Who are you?

 

Chuck: Your regular doctor what's-his-name had some kind of non-medical emergency.

 

Bob: But we've got you taken care of.

 

Patient: I haven't even been examined.

 

Bob: Okay. (all three look at the patient for a few seconds. Bob hands the patient a prescription page) Do this twice a day.

 

Patient: (reading) "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" (patient flips the page over establishing that there's nothing written on the other side. The trio begin yahooing around the room as a security guard enters)

 

Guard: You guys are going to have to come with me.

 

Friz: Haven't you heard laughter is the best medicine?

 

Guard: Tell it to the psychiatric ward.

 

Patient: Aren't you supposed to have that on the other side as well?

 

Back to the studio.

 

Mel: So you feel you're providing a service even though the city is proposing a stricter ordinance against disturbing of the peace?

 

Chuck: They're talking about car horns and stuff. People love us.

 

Mel: The LLF is mentioned by name in the proposal.

 

Chuck: LLF stands for just about anything.

 

Friz: It could be a typo.

 

Chuck: Yeah, a typo.

 

Mel: I just find it hard to believe people love you when three businesses have filed restraining orders against you guys; (thumbs through his pages) an auto mechanic, a bridal shop and a comedy club for crying out loud. I mean people go there to laugh.

 

Chuck: And you can't buy better publicity than that. I mean we're about to go national.

 

Mel: Meaning?

 

Friz: We're about to leave.

 

Mel: Good. I was afraid you were recruiting.

 

Cut to a politician speaking at a podium.

 

Politician: My fellow citizens.

 

A voice screams "Look out! He's got a pie!" The security force protects the politician as one of them takes the pie to the face. Camera pans over to see Bob being detained. Back to the studio.

 

Mel: Okay. Make me laugh.

 

Friz: A joke has to be unexpected.

 

Mel: If I hear a joke from you guys it will be unexpected.

 

Chuck: You know what? Some people have no sense of humor.

 

Friz: Let's get out of here. (they leave the stage)

 

Mel: Up next on Datebreak: Common household items that children are prone to swallowing and how you can replace them. After this. (to offscreen director) Are we replacing the items or the children?

 

Chuck and Friz: (running back on with all of their funny objects assaulting Mel) Laugh! Damn you! Laugh! Ah that was a smile!

 

Mel: It was a grimace!

 

End of broadcast

The Carousel: PhantomCon's Panel Transcript (part two)

Please refer to part one for the explanation. I mean seriously, you think I'm going to give up my precious free time copying and pasting it here? Boy you sure don't know me very well. In fact, you should probably go back and read the collection of 'About Me' posts from March just to get an idea of how unmotivated I really am. Yeah, copying that paragraph here would have eaten up about half a minute. I'm sure glad I didn't squander thirty seconds doing that. Yeesh. What would I have been thinking?

 

Math: Here’s a good one. How similar are you to your character? I suppose that means our main story context character.

Caris: We are our characters.

(laughter)

Zel: How similar are you to a fictitious audience?

(continued laughter)

Caris: Outside of the main story I’m a little more down to earth. Just as silly, but for the stories we kind of ramp up the energy.

Zel: I smile more. Much more of a showoff.

Math: I think I’m actually a stronger character out of context than in.

Caris: Fictional characters have a pretty solid internal consistency.

Math: Like if we were to bring out James Bond and have him sit here and answer the question by saying ‘What character’? Now, without us establishing which actor our James Bond looks like or even if he’s Ian Fleming’s Bond, you’ll instantly have a pretty central James Bond voice in your head saying those words, with the accent and the suaveness and the winking in-the-know demeanor.

Zel: Likewise, if we were to say that the Mad Hatter comes out and answers the question with the same words, you might hear anyone from Ed Wynn to Sebastian Stan in your head but it would always feel like a sheer lack of comprehension of what you’re asking.

Caris: It’s like in Duck Amuck, where Daffy is always Daffy even if you change his shape, take away his voice or erase him completely, there’s some character that still exists. There used to be a waterpark in Houston called Water World and there was a fiberglass statue of Daffy sitting in one of the lifeguard chairs. And of course it didn’t do anything except exist. And yet it was still as much ‘Daffy’ as any Friz Freleng cartoon.

Math: There’s something kind of magical about that.

Caris: And we get to be a part of it even if it’s in a miniscule scale.

Math: That leads us to our next question. Who would you like to see play you in a movie?

Caris: Ooh, I have no idea. Let me think.

Math: In my case it probably doesn’t matter so much. I’d kind of like it to be an unknown.

Zel: Yeah, I’m a little too vain to believe anyone real could play me without hitting a nerve with me. I’d much rather see us animated.

Math: I think someone with kind of a Harry Anderson voice would work for me.

Caris: What about Harry Anderson?

Math: Yeah, I think he could pull it off.

Zel: If we were going to do motion capture, probably someone like Shakira. Or maybe Zuleikha Robinson. Voice actress-wise I’d kind of hope for Grey DeLisle.

Caris: I would love it if Laura Bailey did my voice!

Zel: Who would you want them to model you after?

Caris: Whatever models J. Scott Campbell works with.

Zel: Math, I’ve just realized I have no idea what the hell you look like.

Math: That makes two of us.

Caris: Three if we’re counting. Why don’t we decide that right now?

Math: Well I’m supposed to be kind of an ambiguously sciencey type. I’ve always imagined I was a brunette.

Zel: Do you wear glasses?

Math: Not really. Maybe reading glasses, but not regularly.

Caris: So are you kind of like an American Martin Freeman?

Math: Yeah. Maybe not so round in the face but that’s a pretty good template.

Zel: How are we doing on length?

Math: We’re almost at twenty-seven hundred. Wait. And there. We should probably start to wind down a bit. Anybody have anything else burning to ask? (listening) That’s a good one. Caris, do you think you’re too sexual?

Caris: No. Not at all. As a character I’m just me. And if that takes me into sexual territory then that’s who I am. Now if we’re talking about a real life woman who behaves like me then we’re into a whole different territory. I mean, let’s face it. I get away with a lot of stuff that wouldn’t happen in reality.

Zel: What do you think about real life strippers?

Caris: I’m fine with it. It’s entertainment. It’s expression. I know there’s a lot of debate religiously about whether or not women removing their tops is considered counter-spiritual. And of course being a debate of opinion I don’t have the definitive answer. But I think there are much less holy things humanity does than get undressed.

Math: Being a Christian character, how do you balance being a stripper with maintaining faith?

Caris: Well, I have a  line that comes up once in a while about God looking down at his silly little Caris, and I think it’s kind of how God looks at all of humanity; as this silly little species that adorably thinks it’s so close to figuring everything out, and I think that gives God a loving chuckle.

Zel: If it didn’t humanity would be in a lot of trouble.

Math: It’s always struck me as funny how there are so many horrible things in the world, there’s bullying, abuse, torture, and yet a person’s religiousness is called into question once they flash at Mardi Gras.

Caris: Yeah, I wouldn’t encourage people to disrobe per se any more than I’d say people should drink, but if it fulfills something for you and you can accept the responsibility for yourself I don’t see the harm.

Zel: And while there are sex addicts out there, the dancers aren’t responsible for them just like a casino isn’t responsible for people with gambling addictions.

Caris: My character has slept around some and I certainly don’t think that aspect is heroic by any stretch, but nobody makes it into adulthood without some kind of blemish.

Zel: Do you think people in real life should stop being casual with sex?

Caris: I think before people do anything they should ask themselves why they’re doing it. And if they don’t have a good answer then maybe they shouldn’t be doing it.

Math: That’s not exactly what your character is about though.

Caris: Nope. Not at all. I just do things. But if I didn’t get into trouble we wouldn’t have much of a story.

Zel: Besides, in fiction you want to live vicariously through over the top characters. It’s a safe outlet.

Caris: You notice nobody ever holds Cookie Monster accountable for other people’s property damage?

Zel: I’ve always been fascinated by which female characters are considered over-sexualized and which ones aren’t. Like when Tomb Raider first hit the market Lara Croft became the beacon for hatred just because she had big boobs. And the loudest voices were writing to Eidos, or writing as if Eidos was going to stumble across their postings on their news groups, saying that they need to tone down the boobs. And for a while that was all the game discussion was about, and how over-sexualized Lara was.

Math: And then Lara was featured in Playboy and there was this explosion of outrage like Frankenstein’s monster had stormed through the town.

Zel: Yeah, I never really figured out what that was all about. I think part of it was a resurgence in the 90’s of the voice of feminism. And let me go on record and say that I think feminism is a truly wonderful and important ideal, and even if a percentage of the population disagrees with it I think a lot of obstacles would become surmountable if everyone would at least take the core of it seriously and give it a listen. But that being said, like any ideal it’s in the hands of…you know…people. And people get easily distracted by cosmetic details that support whatever claims they’re making than to look at the real issue.

Math: Like it’s more important to prove “See, I’m right,” than to figure out “What do we do about it?”

Zel: …

Math: …

Caris: (giggling) I’m sorry. I was staring at your boobs.

(laughter)

Zel: Just say that you agree with whatever I was talking about.

Math: You know, if these things were as powerful as we act like they are we wouldn’t be living in a patriarch.

(more laughter)

Zel: I love how we’re actually typing in the imaginary audience’s responses.

Caris: So why is it female audiences seem to embrace characters like Betty Boop or women like Marylin Monroe or even Morrigan Aensland but then turn around and take exception to Ivy Valentine?

Zel: That’s a great question that probably doesn’t have an answer.

Math: I was surprised that Jessica Rabbit made it into the club without a debate considering how the character was create to represent ‘over-sexualization’.

Zel: Yeah, I guess you can’t really predict how an audience is going to take to a character. All you can do is keep them true to their roots and let history play out as it will.

Caris: So to get back to my original answer. No, I don’t think I’m too sexual. I’m just me.

Math: Showgirl Barbie.

Caris: (purring) Rowr!

(applause)

Math: Why don’t we take two more questions? (listens) What kind of music do you associate with?

Zel: I like heavy guitar songs, usually in a minor key with a real emotional base to it. You know, Second Chance by Shinedown is a good Zel song. Also anything Jim Steinman was involved in. Lotus in general had a close affiliation with Roxette and Pat Benatar. And I think most of my generation was trained in guitar and piano.

Math: I think anything electronic sounding fits me. The Rockit by Herbie Hancock is probably something on my laptop when I’m programming. A lot of synthesizers and remixes since I’m kind of at the keyboards anyway.

Caris: I’m total percussion. It doesn’t matter if it’s pop, if it’s rap, if it’s jazz, as long as it has that drumbeat I’m in. I’ve actually had hymns that play in my head with the addition of a drum solo.

Zel: You know, we ought to give up this fiction thing and start a band.

 (laughter)

Math: You know I have a quick question before we close it down. Zel, what’s your brother’s name?

Zel: (giggling) Okay, I happen to love the in-story explanation for why I never refer to him by name, but the meta version is that his name is so close to a copyright infringement that we’re just not willing to go there and risk it. I mean like if his name was Luke Skywallender. That close to a potential lawsuit. And since it’s not a parody we don’t really have that loophole.

Caris: Do you ever think about changing his name?

Zel: No. And it’s probably pure stubbornness, but even in fictional characters names are defining and he’s been around longer than I have, so it’s kind of in metaphorical stone.

Math: So what would it take for you to reveal it?

Zel: Probably something in writing from Anne McCaffrey’s estate saying “Look, we don’t care about your little book. You can say the name and we won’t take you to court.”

Caris: Did you actually take a character from her?

Zel: No, just a name. Our writer heard two classmates discussing a character’s name spelling from the Pern series, and he liked the name and accidentally added a letter in, and wound up using it for my brother’s character years later, never thinking that this would eventually launch into a writing project where ownership would be an issue. Incidentally on Lotus we had everyone from Ian Malcolm to Maleficent make an appearance. I’m one of the lucky ones because ‘Zelphina’ is an actual name in reality, albeit a pretty rare one.

Caris: ‘Caris’ is from the Bible, although I think it has an ‘H’ in it, and I was told it was Greek for ‘love’.

Math: ‘Math’ is from a textbook.

Zel: It means C minus.

Math: Okay, why don’t we take one more question? Let’s have a good one. (listening) That’s a pretty good one. What will we never see your character do?

Caris: Sex. You’re never going to see an actual sex scene from anyone involved in our saga. If anything like that were to happen plot-wise it would be handled like you witnessing the seduction and then the door to the bedroom or wherever slowly closes and you have to imagine what happens on the other side. And I think it’s a combination of none of us really find reading the details of sex all that interesting, and any story advancement or character development that you can get from a sex scene you can just as easily get elsewhere and probably more poetically. And the sex scenes that you can find in romance novels certainly have an audience and they enjoy that kind of ‘erotic candy’ there’s really nothing more to it than that. We prefer to save our candy for our adolescent witticisms and collateral damage. And of course the language is always going to be PG rated.

Math: You’re never going to see me in a fistfight, probably because it’s unrealistic to believe that I’d survive it. In a way I think I represent ‘reality’ in our world. If Caris is in a car explosion, she’s going to happen to land on her feet a few blocks away with no hearing damage and maybe a little dust on her knees. Zel can be thrown through a brick wall and still emerge disoriented, irritated, and scraped up for about two seconds before she’s instantly unblemished again. If I have a door slammed in my face, I’ll have a broken nose which will stay broken until it’s written that enough time has passed for it to heal.

Zel: If we establish that there’s a single haystack in Europe and we push Caris out of a plane, she’ll land on it.

Math: Bloody favoritism.

(laughter)

Zel: Well, you should have thought of that before you became NOT a cute leggy bisexual blonde.

Caris: It also helps that I’m usually the narrator.

Zel: I don’t know. We deal with ghosts quite a bit.

Math: “It all started the morning I died horribly…”

(laughter)

Zel: Okay, I’ve been trying to think. What are we never going to see from me? I think we’re probably never going to see my actual final terminal death. Kind of like comic book characters that die for a while and then get brought back, or they just stop being written but they’re never technically killed. I mean, yeah there’s the axiom that nobody ever dies in science fiction. Even Aerith Gainsborough has had a post-death career even though it’s canon that she’s dead and not coming back. So I think that’s my fate as a fictional character, to continue living as long as the stories do and only fade away like, I don’t know, Barnaby Rudge?

Math: Yeah! That guy!

Caris: Poor Barney, he’s so overdue for the Disney adaptation.

Zel: So that’s it then.

Math: Thank you all for coming out and caring!

Caris: And for giving us the attention we all so desperately crave!

Zel: Hopefully we’ll see you on the other side of the pages again.

Caris: Kisses!

Math: And as always, feel free to join us any time in the world of metaphor.

Zel: Thank you all very much for bringing us to life.

Math: Until the next story.

Caris: Bye!

Zel: Take care!

(applause that fades)

The Carousel: PhantomCon's Panel Transcript (part one)

This was just a silly thing I did when the inspiration hit me. I made up a convention where my characters went as guests to participate in a panel discussion for a fictional fan base. I've always enjoyed the concept of fictional characters being self-aware of their roles in stories, and how they might have opinions about the way they are portrayed.

Math: Okay everyone, welcome to our first official Carousel panel. I’m Brandon Mathias. Better known as Math. Reluctantly. (laugh) We’re all really excited that the project has been inching forward and we’d like to thank all of our muses and supporters who have been driving us to keep at it over these past, I guess six? Seven years now? A lot longer for Zel. (laugh) I was going to give some back story, but…who cares right? Let’s bring out the girls. To my right, your hostess and narrator Caris Roberts! (applause) And to my left your protagonist extraordinaire Zelphina Blade! (more applause).

Zel: Thank you.

Caris: Thank you all so much!

(delightful snickering)

Zel: What is it?

Caris: You’re smiling sweetie.

Zel: I always smile. (laughter)

Math: Have you read the book? (laughter)

Zel: I don’t HAVE to read the book. Have you read it?

Math: No, I think it would just depress me. In fact I don’t know if I should be in the center.

Caris: I think the PR people prefer it.

Zel: Or maybe they don’t. (laughter)

Caris: Okay, thank you guys again for inviting us to PhantomCon. I don’t know how many fictional characters ever get to have imaginary panel discussions. Should I thank our writer for setting this up?

Zel: Probably not.

Math: No.

(laughter)

Zel: Writers don’t do well with compliments.

Caris: Well on behalf of the cast- (blows a kiss. More applause from the imaginary audience whose hands are getting a little tired). Okay, so what do you guys want to know?

Math: (listening) She says “What is the life of a fictional character like?”

Zel: Sorry we couldn’t get a mic out there, but this is just being transcribed.

Caris: That’s a really good question. Do either of you want to take that one?

(Zel nods to Math)

Math: Well, it kind of sucks. (laughter) For me anyway. I mean I’m kind of the token ‘guy’ character in the story, if that’s an archetype. I’m kind of on call for whenever I’m needed for a draft and then usually trimmed out. So, I mean it’s not a bad life. I have the privilege of a consistent name.

Zel: And a nickname.

Math: I think Caris was the one who suggested the name ‘Math’ and the fact that it stuck is probably why I have a role at all. I am sitting between two of the most beautiful sexiest women and they’re both off limits!

(laughter and applause)

Math: Thank you for enjoying my torment.

(laughter)

Caris: Well I think the lack of definition makes you more relatable.

Math: Some decent lines might not hurt.

Zel: If it helps, I’ve known our writer a lot longer. His male characters are defined by what they do.

Caris: Kind of like real men.

Math: Okay, we’ve got some hands up. Do either of you want to take the question on the table?

Zel: What was the question?

Math: What is the life of a fictional character like?

Zel: Well don’t you guys know? (laughter) My life as a fictional character. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My writer makes me miserable. Literally. In the plots I’m always miserable.

Caris: Sometimes you upgrade to withdrawn.

Zel: I’m smiling on the inside. (light applause)

Math: They liked my misery more.

Zel: Misery’s interesting. I like to think I’m an interesting character and it’s wonderful to be so active and to have those ‘how would Zel react to this’ questions. Half the time I don’t know when I’m being written or just danced with but it’s been such an incredible journey so far.

Caris: My writer’s wife created me, so I’ve gotten to cross from one mind to another, and the most giddy feeling I ever get is when she says “I love what you’re doing with Caris”. There are lots and lots of fictional characters and probably the majority of them never even get written down. I’m very blessed that I get to feel alive. I don’t know how many fictional characters actually feel that way.

Zel: Probably Bugs Bunny.

(laughter)

Math: Okay go ahead. (Math listens) Are you two really in a relationship?

Zel: Of course. I pity anyone who comes between us.

(Math surrenders his hands to much laughter)

Caris: We are. It’s the heart of the story. Our writer and his wife have a very loving marriage and quite a bit of those elements translate into the relationship. And while we never set out to have any kind of political agenda, I think there’s a lot of room in fiction for healthy same-sex relationships and probably a need to offer them. Again, we didn’t plan it that way. It’s just kind of a nice development.

Math: I was actually supposed to be the love interest.

(laughter)

Caris: He was! I remember that! But I think we all knew that it was never going to work out in the long run. That’s another type of relationship that gets neglected in fiction. The male-female friendship where both participants are happy with it that way.

Math: How did we ever change that?

Caris: I think it was…

Math: This one. (pointing accusingly at Zel)

Zel: I think our writer realized I was due for a win. (laughter) I think I’ve died twice now? Maybe three times? And somehow it’s always been related to unrequited love.

Caris: Zel was a dreadfully wounded character who existed- do we say existed? We’re not really living. But we’re active.

Zel: Existed.

Caris: Zel existed for like fourteen years before either of us, and that was before our writer found the peace that only comes from meeting the right person, so I think Zel’s woundedness was just begging to be fixed.

Zel: Not all the way of course.

(laughter)

Caris: So, yeah. On page and off. We’re proudly in a relationship.

Math: We have a question from the back. Why don’t you swear?

Zel: That one’s yours honey.

(laughter)

Caris: You know how you walk into a store sometimes with enough money for one dress and you’re expecting that you’re going to spend hours indulging yourself by trying stuff on and then you spot the perfect outfit as you go through the door and think, well hell, there goes my adventure. That was one of those character defining moments. It just fit. And so because I’m the narrator it means nobody swears.

Zel: In English anyway.

Math: Yeah, how many languages do you know?

Zel: However many is needed.

Caris: I believe the school of thought is that a character becomes somehow more relatable if they’re given a bit of a mouth, and I understand the logic behind it but I don’t necessarily agree with it. For one thing I don’t find vulgarity to be attractive. And being a fictional character when there’s the ability to distance from reality why not take it? Like, real people get sinus headaches on a regular basis but characters never do unless the plot justifies it. So like when questions about menstrual cycles come up I always wonder why people care about that. I wonder if the Muppets ever get questions like that.

Math: I think Bert and Ernie get nagged about sexuality a lot.

Caris: Exactly! And why? Some things just aren’t important in the context of specific characters.

Zel: I’ve gotten some inquiries about the physiology of demons and I can’t ever answer them. Obviously a story has to have an internal logic but when you have a complicated back story like I do physiology becomes irrelevant.

Math: Weren’t you and Anomaly sisters at one point?

Zel: Briefly yes, and not like a ‘we tried out a plot point and it didn’t work’ thing but it’s an actual footnote in our characters’ history. I don’t think it ever has to be addressed because it’s not important, but there it is.

Math: What can you tell us about Lotus?

Zel: Oh gods, as little as possible. Lotus sprung from a second edition Dungeons and Dragons campaign which eventually phased out the rules and just became interactive story telling. I don’t think I even had a character sheet.

Caris: I actually started on Lotus too.

Zel: You did, didn’t you? You actually had a character sheet. It was the last game ever played on Lotus. But for all purposes, Caris of the Carousel is an earthling, so there’s an example of let’s not worry about it.

Caris: I had a character sheet and everything. I have no idea where it is now, but it’s so wonderful to have made the jump into fiction from there. It’s like a lucky break.

Zel: Weren’t you a…

Math: A half-mage?

(the panel laughs)

Caris: I was! My player/creator had never played the game before and it really is a lot to absorb on your first go, and I think she got the definitions of races and classes crossed so I became known as like a half-elf half-mage or something.

Math: How long did you play?

Caris: Not long. Maybe six or seven sessions. That’s actually where Ericka came from as well. She was supposed to betray the party but then my character and her character got attached and that kind of changed the dynamic.

Math: I got a smidge of role playing time but no character sheet. I think I started out in nanowrimo. If I’d been on Lotus I would have been an NPC.

Zel: I don’t know. I think we could have developed you more in a sci-fi setting. We had a lot of characters who never even started out with names who kind of grew on us, as opposed to the ones we flat out stole from Naoko Takeuchi.

Math: If you’d had a character sheet what would it have looked like?

Zel: Dexterity through the roof. Lotus was basically a power gamer campaign so we all had demigod stats. Probably above average intelligence and wisdom, which would actually have put me at the bottom of my class. I was a fantasy princess so I’d have had a charisma bonus. A regenerative constitution. Strength I have no idea. I was built for speed not force.

Math: What race and class?

Zel: Oh boy, let me think. I was kind of that bard-ish mage/rogue overlay, but then I had the combat skills and I was really close to the deities. So if there was an ultra-multiclass that was just greedy for abilities that would have been me. Race-wise we usually just went with a general tiefling and called it a night, but I’ve probably got more dragon in me than anything else.

Caris: So that makes you the princess and the dragon.

Zel: With the double heaping of arrogance.

(laughter)

Math: Okay, this sounds like a fun one. If you guys went to Gotham City.

Zel: Like how much trouble would we get in? Or who would we get along with?

Math: I guess it’s a ‘how would you do in a Batman storyline’?

Caris: I’d get kidnapped.

Math: I’d either be killed or psychologically and physically scarred.

Caris: I think you’d actually make a really good villain.

Math: Really?

Caris: Yeah. You could be the Math Magician! Like, your brain translates everything you see into its mathematical formula so you always know where to stand or what to do to never be hurt. It’s like being psychic but with a scientific explanation.

Zel: Like having a spider sense.

Math: Nice! When can we go?

(laughter)

Zel: I have no idea. I’d probably wind up killing somebody.

Math: Anyone in particular?

Zel: Actually, if it were up to me I’d go in and break the Joker’s hands off.

Math: That’s a pretty good idea. I wonder why Batman never thought of that.

Caris: Probably because DC needs the Joker up and about.

Math: If you and Batman fought, who would win?

Zel: If we were anywhere but a DC comic I would totally kick his butt. But in DC’s world Batman always has to win, otherwise the river Thames would turn to blood or something. So it would have to wind up being a draw.

Caris: How would you do against other superheroes?

Zel: Superman could take me down, no question. And probably Wonder Woman. The Flash would be a toss-up. I’m not that familiar with DC’s lineup but I think I could handle anyone else. From Marvel I’m not really worried about anyone except maybe Rogue, and even then if she absorbed my energy it might destroy her anyway.

Caris: What about Vampirella?

Zel: Why would we fight?

(laughter)

Math: Who would win in a pillow fight?

Zel: The audience.