Semi-annual Extended Questionnaire Universe Esoterica List (SEQUEL)

I've been holding on to these for a time when my blog suffers from severe writer's block (i.e. now). It's more of the silly questionnaires that I take so much delight in filling out. These two came across my social media a year apart. They're very similar, and somehow I managed to avoid repeating answers; I'm quite proud of this feat.

1. Favorite Smell?

Crawfish seasoning. I don’t know how long one can live off of nothing but crawfish, but I’d be willing to offer myself up for a research project.

2. Last time you cried?

When I had to answer the question “Would I find ‘The Firm’ under ‘T’?”

3. Favorite pizza?

Domino’s of the early 1990’s. I don’t know what they used to put in their sauce but I swear it was addictive. Probably crawfish seasoning.

4. Favorite flower?

That one right there. No, no, the one next to it. Yeah, that one rules.

5. Did you go to college?

Of course! I had no intention of getting a job until I absolutely had to.

6. Untie your shoes when taking them off?

Nope. I slip them on and off, freely and without consequence.

7. Roller coasters?

What about them? Yes, they exist, if that’s what you’re asking.

8. Favorite ice cream?

Not a big ice cream fan. I have hypersensitive teeth, so please don’t make fun of them.

9. Favorite past time?

1983 was pretty cool. Remember DTV on the Disney Channel?

10. Shorts or pants?

Shorts are pants. Don’t try to con me.

11. What are you listening to?

The fan on the ceiling goes round and round...

12. Favorite Color?

Blue. But don’t mention that to Red or it will get mad.

13. Tattoos?

Not too big on full sentences, are we? The only tattoo I’d get is a temporary one. And then I’d never use it so it would last forever and I could relish the irony.

14. Piercing?

Um...swordfish? Is this free association?

15. Color of hair?

Mine or yours? Mine is light brown. Yours can be whatever you want it to be, as I don’t know what you look like.

16. Color of eyes?

Last time I checked they were blue. I’ve been trying to cheer them up ever since.

17. Favorite food to eat?

As opposed to rubbing in my hair I presume? I think I’ve obligated myself to answer with crawfish.

18. Favorite holiday?

Halloween. I also celebrate it on April 1st.

19. Beer or wine?

Wine, by default. Beer is the burnt popcorn of the beverage world.

20. Night owl or early bird?

I’m functional around 10:30 AM and then again at about 7 at night. That makes me a coffee break ibis/crepuscular buzzard.

21. Favorite day of the week?

Thursday. I have yet to use up any of the weekend so I’m riding high on empty promises.

22. Do you have a Nickname?

I used to, but I lost it in the identity theft.

23. Pictures on your wall?

Three. That’s not a joke. I have a vintage Degas of the number three. It was supposed to be an eight, but he never finished it.

24. What makes you most proud?

The state’s legal requirement that I be proud.

25. Favorite music?

If you’re expecting me to narrow it down (and I have a feeling that you are) I’d say most anything that sounds both dramatic and danceable. “Stars” by Roxette is my all time favorite song.

26. Introvert or extrovert?

Introvert posing as an extrovert. But I do actually like roller coasters, to finally answer question 7.

27. Play an instrument?

I tried playing the piano. I lost.

28. Have a pet?

Excuse me, I have a son, thank you very much. Baxter is the greatest dog in the world.

29. What do you collect?

I told you before, never ask me about what I do! Now give me a second to collect my thoughts.

30. Mountains or Beach?

Whichever one allows for wacky hijinks and a valuable lesson learned at the end.

 

1. Favorite smell?

Why is this always Question 1 on these things? I think this time around I’m going to campaign for spearmint. Here it goes: Spearmint rules! Yay for Spearmint!

2. Last time you cried?

I had a migraine on Christmas Eve that provoked tears. Prior to that I had a history of crying wolf, which is likely why the villagers never brought me Excedrin.

3. Favorite pizza?

A cinnamon dessert pizza sounds pretty good right now. But I’ve always been partial to personal pan pepperoni pizzas from Little Caesars; small enough that I don’t have to share, and since it’s from Little Caesars nobody seems to want me to.

4. Favorite flower?

The Black Lotus. It’s the symbol of the fantasy D&D world I lived in throughout the nineties. It’s poisonous, but it smells like spearmint.

5. Favorite animal?

The plesiosaur. They’re not very photogenic, but they chase away hippos.

6. Did you go to college?

I did. And I came back, none the wiser.

7. Untie your shoes when taking them off?

I never learned how to untie shoelaces.

8. Roller coaster?

I think that question is missing a verb. I love roller coasters, but the older I get the lower my tolerance for motion sickness and whiplash becomes.

9. Favorite ice cream?

Astronaut. Styrofoam of the future.

10. Shorts or jeans?

I get the impression that jeans shorts are off the table. But I’ve always been a shorts kind of guy. Jeans are too hard to get on and off ever since I double-knotted my shoelaces.

12. What are you listening to?  

The voices in my head, collectively wondering why Question 11 got edited out.

13. Favorite tv show?  

Ever, or right now? Doctor Who and The Middle are about the only things I make it a point to keep up with. But in regards to all time favorites, I’d go with Monty Python’s Flying Circus and/or Fraggle Rock.

14. Tattoos?  

Not a one, not now, not ever.

15. Hair color?  

Greying brown.

16. Eye Color?  

Blue. And blue.

17. Favorite food to eat?  

You mean you can eat food? Man, I wish I’d known that back when I was on the cruise ship.  I’ll go with the tried and true boiled crawfish.

18. Favorite holiday?  

Halloween; which is coincidentally my favorite film in the whole Halloween franchise.

21. Beer or Wine?  

That’s so awesome! Questions 19 and 20 went out looking for 11. In the meantime, I’m strangely proud of the fact that I don’t remember the last time I had a drink. I guess I got to the point where the cons outweighed the pros. But back in the day I could go for a glass of wine, especially if I was going away from a bottle of beer.

22. Night owl or morning?  

Morning...what? Star? Glory? Jog? Talk Show? Probably left to my own devices I’d gravitate towards a night owl routine. But there’s this pesky facet called societal expectation.

23. Favorite day of the week?  

Thursday. You can bask in the unattainable hopes of the weekend. It’s like a whole day of spearmint.

24. Do you have a nickname?  

Not that I’m aware of. You’ll have to check with the horrible people who keep snickering behind my back.

25. Favorite season?  

Andromeda-2, Batman: The Animated Series-4, Community-2, Head of the Class-1, The Muppet Show-2, Mystery Science Theater 3000-8, Once Upon a Time-4, Picket Fences-3, Quantum Leap-4, Sherlock-3, The Simpsons-5, Soap-2, Star Trek: Voyager-5, The X-Files-3, The West Wing-4 -wait, did you mean of the year? Um...autumn.

26. Favorite place to get away?

Probably Universal Studios in Florida during Halloween Horror Nights. A bonus: the Galleria’s Black Friday Sale is my favorite place to get away from.

27. Missing someone?  

I don’t think so. But just to be on the safe side can you describe who you’ve found?

28. Dream vacation?  

How big am I allowed to dream? Is a tour of amusement parks in Ohio and Pennsylvania followed by a couple of days near Loch Ness and ending on a month long tour of Japan out of the question? Because we can skip Ohio if that’s too much on your bank account.

30. Regrets?  

Yes. Are you the bellhop? Because, thanks for bringing up my baggage.

31. Middle name?  

Well my middle name is Robert. But among the main cast of The Middle, Charlie McDermott is the middle name listed, making him the middle Middle name. Hopefully one of those two answers is sufficient.

33. Go back to secondary school?  

With a Master’s degree? Those kids would SO make fun of me! Besides, I’m not the one who keeps losing question numbers.

34. Ocean or lake?  

I seriously have to choose between Billy Ocean and Veronica Lake? Bah! Who are you kidding? They both belong to the world!

35. Who do you think will do this?  

Do what? I can’t see what you’re doing. Are you making moose antlers against your head with your hands? If that’s what you’re doing, then I think I’m going to guess Elizabeth Banks. Yes. I predict at some point in the future Elizabeth Banks will make moose antlers against her head with her hands. That alone will make 2018 a better year.

And just as a way of closing it out, I've graciously accepted an invitation, that I'm pretending James Lipton gave me, to answer his "Inside the Actor's Studio" questions. I have a very active fantasy life.

1. What is your favorite word?

I’d probably have to go with ‘moose’. I can’t explain it really, I just think it’s a fun word to say. I also like the concept of a moose. I know they’re dangerous, but they always seem so...at peace with themselves. Like, when you talk to one, it’s, “So, what’s been going on?” “You know, standing around, being a moose, doing moose things.” “Wow, dude, that’s really cool!”

2. What is your least favorite word?

There are a few words that I refuse to associate with; as such, typing them here is out of the question. But generally speaking, I have a skin crawling aversion to a lot of internet/texting slang that seems to have entered the mainstream. “Whatevs” and “preggers” particularly have me pulling my hair. If you ever want to hear a shower of profanity from me, let’s sit through a WatchMojo video with three or more easily pronounceable names that they get wrong.

3. What turns you on creatively, spiritually, or emotionally?

In an attempt to narrow it down to a single catch-all concept, I’m most fascinated by how character works; be it fictional characters, the character of people, the character of a social movement, the character of a society, etc. What goes on beneath the surface; the ‘soul’ if you will. Take all these dumb questionnaires I keep filling out. You probably know more about me from the way I dance around answering them directly than you would if I just gave straight answers.

4. What turns you off?

In a word, shallowness. Shallow people, shallow opinions, shallow conversations, I feel like I can’t breathe. You can imagine how much fun I am at family reunions.

5. What is your favorite curse word?
‘Monica’. It’s my own personal curse word. She was a girl I fell for a while back, and wound up  getting hurt over, to the point that her name began creeping into my vocabulary when I’d get stuck in traffic. Even today, I’m as likely to reach for ‘Monica’ as I am more traditional obscenities in pure reactions.

6. What sound or noise do you love?

You’d probably have to ask people more fluent in music theory than me to explain it, but there’s a carefully crafted tension-release phenomenon in certain melodies that unlocks something in me. If you’re familiar with the Anastasia soundtrack, listen to the last line of the song “Once Upon a December”. Apparently the melody’s second to last note is a leading tone, which inherently feels unsettling. Then it resolves on the tonic, creating this roller coaster effect. I never get enough of that.

7. What sound or noise do you hate?

I’m an introvert, so the phone. My phone. Your phone. Anybody’s &%$#ing phone. And for similar reasons, the doorbell.

8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt?

I have a profession? I thought the library was just a temp job for the next thirty years or so. Honestly, I’ve always wanted to be a comedy writer, but at the library I’ve found enough outlets to placate that muse as well as have a regular direct deposit flow. I also dream of being a curator of a videogame museum.

9. What profession would you not like to do?

Well I obviously left all of my past jobs for a reason. Factoring out the professions that I’m physically unequipped for (Furniture Mover, Acrobat, Playboy Bunny), I could conceivably get stuck in a sales on commission position or something in tech support, both of which I would hate everything about.

10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?

Well, hopefully confirmation that I’m supposed to be there. But formalities aside, I’d like to hear something to the effect of “You’re just getting started.”