The Heavenly Court (script excerpt)

Going through some of my old Google documents, and I came across this little limestone. I'd started writing a comedy script called Power Struggle. The characters were God, Time, Karma, Nature, etc. This would have been the opening scene.

Interior – Heaven. A courtroom on a cloud.

Several unimportant heavenly characters filter in to witness the first trial held in the afterlife. TIME enters and takes her place at the defense attorney’s bench. HOPE meanders in awkwardly as the bailiff.

HOPE (approaching Time)

Empress?

TIME

(politely) Please don’t call me that. Ever.

HOPE

Sorry. Um…majesty? (TIME doesn’t react) My lady? (she shakes her head) Mistress?

TIME

You must be Hope.

HOPE

Does it show?

TIME

We’ve met before. A long time ago.

HOPE

I have a bad memory.

TIME

Well, that’s why you’re hope.  Call me Dora.

HOPE

Is that your name?

TIME

As far as you know. Yes.

HOPE ponders this as KARMA marches to his desk as the prosecution.

HOPE

But you are the Empress of Time?

TIME

You’re stuck on the word ‘empress’. No, I’m not. I’m the incarnation of time itself. Just like you’re hope and tippy over there is Karma.

HOPE

Yes, but isn’t it more impressive to introduce yourself as Time than by a name?

TIME

Sweetie, nobody up here is capable of being impressed. And in my vast experience, time is treated as the enemy.

HOPE

So you think you might be less disliked with a name?

TIME

One can hope.

HOPE

So what do I do for this thing?

TIME

You’re the bailiff.

HOPE

I know. It’s not like anybody’s going to get out of line.

TIME

Just look pretty and be yourself.

HOPE

But I don’t know what my purpose is.

TIME (to herself)

Nor do I.

HOPE

Do you know what time it is? (TIME gives him a defiant stare) Sorry.

GOD enters dressed in a mock judges robe.

GOD

All rise. The honorable me presiding.

HOPE (quietly to GOD)

Sorry.

GOD

I forgive you. Everybody sit down who wants to. And hey! Let’s give a big round of applause to our resident purgatory ambassador for setting up the first court system in paradise. Thank you Karma for the contamination. Thoughtful.

KARMA

You can berate me all you want…

GOD

May I? Cheerfully accepted.

KARMA

But the fact remains that this court system is legitimate.

GOD

Only in as much as it succeeds.

KARMA

And as long as it does, it deserves to be taken seriously.

GOD

You mean you deserve to be taken seriously. Well let’s see what’s so important to you. (GOD looks at HOPE)

HOPE

Me?

TIME (covering for HOPE)

We have two cases.

HOPE

There’s two cases pending your almightiness.

GOD

Two whole cases. Any chance we can do them at the same time?

HOPE

Are you being sarcastic?

GOD

Usually.

TIME

There’s a class action suit against heaven from the Mormons.

GOD

And they used to love us.

KARMA

Too much.

TIME

It’s actually not so much of a suit as it is a complaint.

GOD

Well what could be more pleasing to the Alpha and Omega than a customer service issue?

TIME

It’s not even a formal complaint. They’re just whining a lot.

KARMA (to TIME, obviously)

Would you just give him the damn folder!

GOD

I know what this is about and the answer is the same now as it always has been. They have to wait in line like everyone else.

KARMA

My clients feel their faith is being insulted.

TIME

Are your clients aware that as soon as they get through the gate, faith is no longer a possibility?

KARMA

But they’re not through the gate.

GOD

So in formulaic terms this case is founded on a premise with an intention to eliminate the premise?

TIME

Your honor, may I?

GOD

We have all the time in the cosmos.

TIME

Faith is being used as a legal rubric, but faith is an ambiguity. If you introduce an ambiguity into any equation, that equation dissolves.

GOD

So we rule the case inadmissible on account of ambiguity.

KARMA

I suppose if you believe the ambiguity is dismissible.

TIME

Oh cute Karma. You’ve managed to put faith on trial.

KARMA

I didn’t plan that out if that’s your insinuation.

TIME

I knew we shouldn’t have agreed to this.

GOD

Calm down Dora. We’re smart entities. Counsel approach the bench.

KARMA (coming forward)

Afraid to have this conversation publicly?

TIME (joining him)

He’s keeping you from looking like a dumbass.

GOD

Guys. Deep breath. Think of puppies. (to KARMA) Now, how do you want this to turn out?

KARMA

I’m not really concerned.

GOD

Then how about we give up on this one.

KARMA

And why would that help you exactly?

GOD

What do you mean?

KARMA

Oh, I thought you knew everything. I mean what do you stand to lose by addressing this case?

TIME

Because faith is a concept. Its power lies in the beholder’s perception.

KARMA

So it’s an illusion.

TIME

It’s a concept. Physicality is an illusion. If you’re asking Heaven’s court to make a concrete statement about an abstraction the abstraction becomes powerless.

GOD

So introducing a constant into an ambiguity turns that ambiguity into an equation?

TIME

I’m trying to help.

GOD

I know. And you have. (to court) Let all complaints be handled by the main gate. (bangs gavel)

KARMA

So you’re dismissing the case?

GOD

No, I’m ruling that anyone who reaches the front of the line has the option of standing outside of paradise and complaining until second Armageddon if that’s truly what they feel needed.

KARMA

Wonderful. So now there's a little matter of a counter suit.

TIME

A counter suit from whom?

KARMA

From the court.

GOD

This court?

KARMA

No. The four square court. Counter suing for time wasted.

TIME

Objection.

GOD

Sustained.

KARMA

On what grounds?

GOD

To make you mad.

KARMA

Are there legal grounds for sustaining the objection?

TIME

Aside from you suing your own client?

KARMA

Is Heaven really going to limit itself by semantics?

GOD

All right, I’ll humor you. What is it you feel will shut you up?

KARMA

I think they should go to the back of the line.

TIME

For complaining?

KARMA

In paradise.

GOD

So that’s what this whole court system is about. You. Fair enough. This case is being held over until the defense is available to testify on their behalf.

HOPE

Won’t they already be through the line then?

GOD

I suppose so. (bangs gavel)

TIME (to KARMA)

Dumbass.

GOD

Well, that was Psalm worthy. Moving on to item two.

TIME

It’s another class action suit. People versus the Holy Ghost.

GOD

Well they wouldn't be people unless they were versus something.

KARMA

People feel that the Holy Ghost’s freedom to observe anyone at any moment is an invasion of privacy.

GOD

Isn't spot checking the Ghost's job?

KARMA

The people demand that the Ghost’s activities be limited to churches and temples.

GOD

Sure because nobody does anything wrong there. How about we go with the same verdict. Held over until the accused gets here.

TIME

My client is here your honor.

GOD

I don’t see your client.

TIME

That’s because my client is invisible. You know that.

GOD

Yes, all you had to do was keep your mouth shut and we could be out of here.

TIME

Sorry.

GOD

Fine. Holy Ghost, you’ve been charged with…existing. How do you plead?

TIME (after a moment)

My client pleads no contest.

GOD

So you’re the only one who can hear your client.

TIME

Actually, I was just guessing.

GOD

Okay, we’ve got a plea of no contest. No contest, no debate. No debate, no examination. No results. No evidence. No bargain. No show. Novena. No deposit. No return. Case dismissed on grounds of inanity.

KARMA

Hang on. The case is People, all inclusively, versus Heaven's imaginary friend. If you’re not listening to this what are you listening to?

GOD

Listening or responding? Have it your way. Make it an eighteen dollar fine.

TIME

My client probably wants to know what for.

GOD

Failure to appear in court. Happy? (bangs gavel) Who's up for sloping?

The entire courtroom goes dark.

GOD

What is this, the end of the world again?