Thursday, June 29, 2017
The Dragon I Met
It's been a while since I've worked on a short story from start to finish, and I feel pretty good about the result. Interestingly enough, I wrote this specifically to NOT be read as part of our original breakout room for my library's 3rd annual Sci-fi/Fantasy Festival. We essentially needed a journal (with some entries) as a prop. We could have conceivably just dug up some random archives, but I guess I was feeling a little more ambitious than that and I wanted to create an actual narrative. I was aiming for a period piece-sounding voice in my narrator, although I fully admit my word choices were based on guesswork instead of research (I was going for flavor, not authenticity). I hope you enjoy it!
Entry One
The Traveler. The Romantics portray him as a seeker of fortune and glory. But they have never been the Traveler. The reality is weeks of blisters, pests, and unending gales of foul weather. Why should one ever become the Traveler? In a word: because. I should very much like to attest my insipid compulsion for travel to any reason other than ‘because’, but alas, no other reason has made itself known to me.
And so I lay on an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar inn, perplexed as to how the cost of such a pallet can validate the mere marginal increase in comfort to that of the wet grass outside.
The people of this village (its name has evaded my recollection, either due to drink or indifference) are a pleasant, if simple, lot. Their jovial folk songs about the many grim ways to die are rather distasteful and not to my liking, but I have to admire the passion with which they discuss the apparently rich and complex topic of gannets and their various nesting rituals.
One particular story that struck my fancy was that of a dragon that allegedly resides in the waters further north. A fairy tale, certainly, but one that captivated its audience (who undoubtedly have heard it many, many times). It seems there was a friend of a friend who encountered the beast amidst the conducive visibility of twilight coupled with the remnants of a few too many. Incontestable evidence; as far as the villagers were concerned. I’d never speak these words out loud at the University, but people truly have an affinity for their demons.
Entry Two
Never before had I anticipated spending an evening at a monastery. The Priest, who I happened upon, took pity (or amusement) at my bedraggled gait as I approached; in all likelihood, my appearance accurately reflected every cursed step I’d taken for the past several hours of hiking.
My overnight stay here has been courtesy of the implicit agreement that I will be assisting with repairs to the ceiling of one or more buildings in the complex. I’ve been searching for any reasonable rationale explaining why I might be ill-suited for such a task, but every thought I’ve had requires blatantly lying to the Priest. I suppose I must accept the burden.
I was fed, for which I’m grateful (and I should leave it at that). The evening conversation which followed was a test of my discipline. I find men of the Cloth a most intimidating sort. Perhaps I sense they have an expectation upon my words, to always return to the topic of Salvation. Or it may be the intensity with which they listen. In all my time at the University, I have never been able to secure the wandering eyes of any audience; but with the clergy, such focus comes readily as an unwanted gift. I found myself painting a portrait of my travels in a much more amiable light than even I expected was possible.
Probably out of defense, I mentioned the story the villagers told me about the underwater creature. To my surprise, the Priest knew precisely what I was talking about. Evidently the water beast makes an appearance in Christian texts as far back as the sixth Century. He told me of Saint Columba, an Irish Monk, who rescued a man swimming in the river from the creature (with the Power of God, of course).
To the educated, this is obviously nothing more than a tale. And when I asked the Priest if he believed the story, he quite proficiently evaded a direct answer. But I saw it in his eyes. The ember. Either he already believed, or some childish fantasy from within demanded he at least not dismiss such a fable.
I can understand why villagers might succumb to their own legends, but for a man of the Cloth to accept something so nonsensical? This intrigues me. Why do we answer the call of mystery encased in myth? Is this a failing of our species? Or is it what can be described as the taste of intellectual Ambrosia that attracts our sensibilities? I must consider this further.
Entry Three
My visit to the University of Aberdeen has been a source of rejuvenation. Founded well over three centuries ago, to what stories must these sacred halls be privy? This Titan of knowledge? This stone Goliath? Oh dear. I fear the fantastical creature to the northwest may be bringing out the Romantic inside me.
Ah, the beast. It pursues me wherever I go in this brave land. Over the past two days I have taken it upon myself to eavesdrop on the idle conversations of the schoolboys, and the beast has entered the exchange no fewer than six times; twice as the subject. Everywhere I travel, the people of all standings and professions assign a degree of respect and fear for the fairy tale of the river.
Perhaps there is some seedling deep within the human soul that falls in love with ancient mammoths. I did not understand this concept until I set foot in this University; my steps echoing through the massive stonework. I was compelled to personify the building itself, attributing a personality to it as that of a gentle giant.
I have thus decided. My journey must indeed take me to the northwest. I should expect to find nothing, and anticipate the detour will be most uneventful. But the prospect of returning home without seeing the birthplace of this fantasy will undoubtedly feel like a slight upon myself in the long term.
Entry Four
It appears this creature of daydreams has cast some manner of spell over everyone I encounter, for I have found no easier conversation to provoke with strangers than she.
Yes, she. I have partially surrendered my understanding of the beast to the various personifications that the people I have met have so passionately expressed. Surely some of them must know in the deepest wells of intellect that she is nothing more than a phantasm. And yet, they love her. And fear her. Perhaps there exists a shade of controlled madness where the two are one and the same.
But whatever this madness is, some call it frivolity, it is most contagious.
The rivers old
Hear tales paroled
Entrenched in vagary
Lest sailors shill
O’er sullen rill
Comprised of bel esprit
How doth she race
Neath stars embrace
Ensnared in apathy
So mercantile
She scouts her mile
Miraged eponymy
O fiend below
Nocturnal’s flow
Surpressed soliloquy
Though veiled in mist
Each gallant kissed
Revives thine majesty
No, dear creature, do not be so presumptuous as to accept this musing as a conversion to you; only an experiment. How do the romantics survive the laws of nature? And why do they exist at all? Does the poet seek the muse, or does the muse seek the poet?
Mere questions with no answers. I shall come for you Dragon.
Entry Five
How best to describe the lake? It is atrocious; there are no two ways about it. Staring as far into the grime as vision will allow (less depth than that of an arm’s span, were I so blindly courageous) I find myself equally confounded and enlightened. The latter in as much as the reinvention of the circumstances surrounding every friend of a friend’s witness to the creature. Should my mind build a serpent out of the various twigs and branches that float by at regular intervals, I expect I would insist they had eyes and a snout. Indeed, the very act of observing the momentum of a landscape painting (and not a very good one) would be more than enough to propel one into a welcomed madness.
It has been several hours, and I fear my impatient impulses have begun to long for the demon of the depths to poke its fantastical skull out of the mire and properly devour me where I sit, just so I may never feel the touch of miasmic dew on my skin again.
Of all the places to which I have traveled, this countryside is the least to my liking. Perhaps it is the result of my own hopeful folly, or perhaps this truly is a purgatory on Earth.
In either case, I’m convinced that the demon beast is the product of discomfort. I have known many attempted maestros and have studied even more. The most common trait shared among them is that of an unrest. What conclusion can be drawn other than a causality between displeasure and inspiration?
In fine, now that I consider this thought, I may have a newfound appreciation for those artisans who produce works of beauty. For if the material components of aesthetics are the mundane and the distasteful, then the poets and sculptors may very well be closer akin to alchemists, transmutating muck into wonder.
I fear I must rest now, and shall do so away from the surveillance of your domain. Fare thee well creature of the deep. Your secrets remain yours alone.
Entry Six
My heart is heavy. I happened upon one of the larger villages at a time when the marketplace was at its highest degree of bustle, when my attention was captured by a simple father and his young daughter. At first I thought her to be much too grown for her father to be carrying her through the crowded area, but I soon came to realize that her legs were no longer functional. Owing to an illness (I pieced together her narrative from the ensemble of conversations had with and about her) she would never walk again, and likely would not live into womanhood.
It was just next to the flower seller that the creature made its appearance. An acquaintance of the family greeted father and child with a previously unheard tale of a friend of a friend who nearly bumped into the beast’s massive tail while traveling beside the lake at night. The child’s face awakened with excitement, and she no doubt would have kicked her feet in giddiness were she able.
She turned to her father for confirmation on the story’s validity, to which he answered in the only way that he would allow himself; of course the story was true, every single word. She asked if some day they could travel to the river themselves and see the creature. Her father said in no uncertain terms that they could. And I am truly grateful that the tone of his endorsement was lost on her. She would never leave her village and her father knew it. But the promise itself was enough. She felt more joy from the prospect of the journey than the actual visit ever could have provided her.
I knew there and then if she had taken notice of me and asked me directly if I believed the creature was real, I would have told her it was. I would have recounted my detour to the waters earlier in the year, for the sole purpose of seeing the beast, and I would have told the girl the truth.
I had indeed seen the creature.
Not with my eyes, but with my heart. I’d seen the creature in her eyes, and in the tales of those who I’d met in my travels, and in the hopes of those who believed that their beloved gentle giant should grace their dreams with a glimpse that only they were meant to see.
I would never have clarified myself past the revelation that the creature exists, and I would never have felt as though I’d deceived her in any way. In the end, there are some things that matter more than fact. Fact exists in the world of perception. Ideas exist in the mind.
It is the mind that colors the journey of facts, processes them, and makes them bearable. In some rare cases it may be ideas that bring those without hope to life. Yes, the creature exists. It exists as a carefully constructed idea in and from the minds of many, and will continue to do so. I should surrender that the world of facts is all the better for it.
Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Kingdom Hearts: The Game That Never Will Be
E3 has come and gone, and with it some very important updates about the beloved Kingdom Hearts series. We've now received confirmation that the things that have already been confirmed are in fact still confirmed, so good news there. More importantly, the game is officially in development, which means the past twelve years of development are probably leading up to something.
Now the bad news. Game creator/perfectionist Tetsuya Nomura is expected to pull the other half of his development team off the project in favor of a Final Fantasy VII prequel; tentatively titled Aerith Gainsborough: Flower Seller, Two Weeks Before Retirement, which means the third entry in the main series is having to take on extra workers just to make sure its release date is pushed back far enough.
Well I've never been one to accept that I'm doing nothing with my time, so as a courtesy to the KH fan base I've decided to submit my synopsis for a potential spin-off specifically for MAC users who can access a Commodore 64 emulator through a patch based on Word 95. I'm calling it Kingdom Hearts: Esoteric Connections. Even I don't know what the title means.
All of the worlds in this game are going to be based on Disney properties that are dreadfully unlikely to ever make it into the actual series. Here they are in order of appearance.
1. The Adventurer's Club (Pleasure Island in Orlando, Florida 1989-2008)
2. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
3. Melody Time (1948)/Paul Bunyan (1958)
4. Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)
5. The Rescuers (1977)
6. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)
7. Make Mine Music (1945)
8. The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
9. The Black Cauldron (1985)
10. The Black Hole (1979)
Premise:
Some time between one of the Kingdom Hearts games and one of the other ones, Sora, Donald, and Goofy find themselves stranded in a jungle wilderness. As far as they know, the Gummi Ship is lost or destroyed or eaten, it's not important right now. The point is, they're being chased by this new type of enemy called the Impulses, and their experience levels have been set back to 1.
Having to run via cut scene takes them into the first (and serving as home base) world.
1. The Tavern of Tales
The tavern is practically empty. The only human character seen is the unnamed maid who spends Sora's first arrival sitting on the stage in the library talking to the haunted organ. In the main salon, Colonel Critchlow Suchbench sits dormant, and is only woken up after Sora defeats several waves of Impulses. Having come "off duty" the Colonel explains the situation, that nobody comes to the tavern anymore to swap stories because everyone seems to have lost their passion for adventures. Goofy immediately makes the connection that it's related to the Impulses they've been fighting. The tavern has been overshadowed by a cloud of 'Indifference' ever since Babylonia (the stone face on the wall) went to sleep. The Colonel suggests that if Sora travels into the world and acquires some stories to attract people back to the tavern, the cloud will lift. It's Kingdom Hearts logic.
2. The Village of Superstition
The warm-up world is based on Sleepy Hollow and involves a lot of going back and forth. The central problem is that everyone is afraid to come to Katrina van Tassel's Halloween party because of the Impulses running amuck. But Sora and company clear out the monsters multiple times, getting everybody there, inadvertently getting mixed up with the rivalry between Brom Bones and Ichabod Crane.
Boss Battle: The Headless Horseman
As to be expected, this culminates in the boss of the world, which Sora defeats (while still scaring Ichabod away). It turns out not to be Brom in disguise after all, but their old friend Jack Skellington, who got lost on his way back to Halloween Town and felt compelled to give everyone a good scare. Skellington is sent back to The Tavern of Tales while Sora continues to his next destination.
3. The Land of Legends
This world is primarily based on the old west, but is really a combination of a few tales. Johnny Appleseed is the first character they meet, and he's had no luck planting seeds because the land is too dry. Sora has to fight his way through the plains to enlist the help of Pecos Bill, who can rope rainclouds and move them. Unfortunately water is only one part of the solution, they also need the land plowed. For that, Sora has to track down Paul Bunyan. In the process they discover that Simba has also been lost between worlds and has been roaming the land.
Boss Battle(s)
The mid-boss is Babe the Big Blue Ox, who is only protecting Paul Bunyan (who in turn has sunk into a depression as of late). After that defeat-means-friendship moment, Sora figures out that the Impulses are made up of people's passions being stolen from them.
The main boss battle comes later in the form of Stratos, the wind Titan from Hercules. They have to enlist Pecos Bill's help to defeat it, but this releases enough of the Impulses to revitalize Paul Bunyan into helping plow the land.
4. Wishing Mountain
The last land to complete the first circle leading back to the tavern is a world based on Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Sora befriends Darby, and is the only one who believes his tales of the little people. Sora helps protect Darby from several Impulses on his way to fetch the bell for the local church, and learns that there has been another visitor who arrived before Sora who took an interest in the little people.
Through a leap of intuition they realize Aladdin has landed in this world as well and is looking to wish himself back to Agrabah. Sora climbs mount Knocknasheega where he discovers Aladdin has all but perished trying to get to the top.
Boss Battle
The Banshee. Sora has to fight it off so as to not call the Death Coach on Aladdin. His efforts are noticed by King Brian, the leprechaun, who seems surprised that Sora has no interest in wishes, only in restoring the lands and their people to the former story-driven glory. It's here that Sora is granted to ability to warp to places he's already been.
The Tavern of Tales (part 2)
As Sora has done what the Colonel suggested, the tavern is a bit livelier this time. Graves the butler, and Fletcher Hodges the curator are here now. Babylonia is still not awake, but Fletcher has taken it upon himself to revive the Balderdash Cup, a prestigious award given to the person with the greatest tale.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
It's at this point that the tavern's treasurer Otis T. Wren arrives with the news that a young girl has gone missing in Devil's Bayou, and the tavern is requested to send help. With Sora currently the only one qualified to tackle the challenge, he's volunteered.
5. The Devil's Bayou
This essentially follows the story of The Rescuers, with Sora and friends in the Bernard/Miss Bianca role. Penny is replaced by a new character named Belladonna (who claims to be a princess of indeterminate age), although like Penny in the original she also has a teddy bear that she's apparently fond of. The McGuffin this time around is a rare plant, as opposed to a diamond. Madame Medusa is still the main antagonist, even though she remains unfought.
Boss Battle(s)
The midway battle is with Brutus and Nero, Medusa's pet crocodiles. The final battle is related to the plant, which is a form of nightshade that has the ability to absorb certain energies related to the Impulses. It transforms Belladonna's teddy bear into the monster of this world. When defeated, the nightshade crystalizes into a dormant item.
Tavern of Tales (part 3)
And we're back again. The takeaway here is that Sora has now met someone out of place in their world who has not traveled with him before, which throws off the earlier theory. Belladonna thanks Sora for rescuing her and expresses hope that she will be able to find her way back to the Marshes of Morva.
Tavern President Pamelia Perkins has arrived and officially makes Sora, Donald and Goofy members with the salute and creed (Kungaloosh!). Explorer Samantha Sterling then approaches Sora to inform him that Johnny Appleseed has an important discovery that he wants Sora to see.
6. Kingdom of Clouds
Returning to the Land of Legends, Sora finds that the dissipated energies from all of the defeated Impulses has caused one of the vines to stretch way into the sky. With no prompting from anyone, he climbs to the top and discovers the home of Willie the Giant, who has stolen the precious treasure known as the singing harp. You can guess how this plays out.
Boss Battle
Willie, multiple times. He has the ability to shapeshift, which means he confronts the heroes in various shapes as dictated by the environment. When defeated, it becomes evident that he was using the same type of magic energy the Impulses used to achieve these alternate forms, and now he's no longer capable of transformation. Instead of chopping down the vine, Sora allows Willie to climb down to the Land of Legends where Paul Bunyan gives him an earful for stealing the harp in the first place.
Tavern of Tales (part 4)
Based on the number of cutscenes, this is clearly the end of act two. We get a few answers. The Impulses are based on the drive people have to be something other than what they are, i.e. an energy Sora didn't realize he'd been using this whole time. People who have that energy taken from them in essence lose themselves. But he's still not clear why it's happening.
It's time for the Balderdash Competition, and Sora enters along with Otis T. Wren and recent arrival Hathaway Browne, the aviator. When it's Sora's turn to tell his greatest tale, he summarizes the events of the first Kingdom Hearts game. At first, no one believes he could have that many adventures in such a short time period, but he begins to describe how Maleficent organized an entire legion of baddies focused on a single purpose. As he's pressed for more information about Maleficent, a shadow begins forming behind him in the library, manifesting itself into Maleficent and many heartless creatures. It's up to Sora to fight his way through the tavern with the help of Donald, Goofy, Aladdin, Simba, and Jack Skellington.
Boss Battle
Maleficent in dragon form, alongside Princess Belladonna. The defeat of Maleficent restores the tavern to an unblemished state. It becomes clear that this wasn't the real Maleficent, but an illusion created out of Impulse energy and Sora's story.
With things back to normal, Sora is awarded the Balderdash Cup (which slightly increases AP). Hathaway Browne tells Sora that he's sure one of his former companions was spotted in the ocean and offers to fly Sora out to the harbor.
7. The Ocean of Dreams (Boss Battle First)
The Leviathan from Atlantis. Sora's primary goal is to rescue Ariel, and the Leviathan will be the end battle for this level. But that only proves to be the distraction from the main conflict.
A Tragic End
One of the most heart wrenching stories Disney has ever told is The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met. This is the plotline Sora gets involved in for this world, and he's going to inadvertently cause the tragic ending the animated film is remembered for. First he meets impresario Tetti-Tatti and naively spills his past experience with being swallowed by a whale. Then he's going to meet Willie the Whale, and (riding on the theme of the game) encourage him to follow his passion and be more than he already is. And having set up both those elements, while Sora is dealing with the Leviathan, Willie will be harpooned just like in the original.
In this whole series, Sora hasn't dealt with an actual loss yet; certainly not one he's responsible for. It's time for Kingdom Hearts to address the fact that sometimes the world sucks and there is literally no way to prevent it.
8. Kuzcotopia
This level is unique in the sense that Sora deliberately avoids interacting with the film that it's based on. After the past tragedy Sora wants to be alone, asking Donald and Goofy to escort Ariel back to the tavern. His interactions with the characters from The Emperor's New Groove are kept to a minimum, always arriving at set locations before or after the film counterpart has happened. Impulses still run rampant, but Sora seems to be the only one who notices them as the peasants have given up on the hopes of their own.
Princess Belladonna tracks Sora down and tries to encourage him out of his despair. She shows him how to use the nightshade crystal to absorb the energy from defeated Impulses. From there he could change himself into anything he wants. But at best she only gets him to resume his role in defeating the Impulses, not gaining their powers.
Belladonna winds up getting captured by the Impulses, just because, and Sora goes after her. This leads him into Yzma's secret lab. He confronts the Impulses, but soon figures out the kidnapping was only a ruse by Belladonna. She's been controlling the Impulses herself, and the fake kidnapping was to jolt Sora out of his sense of defeat. He demands to know why she's doing this, and she offers her hand. If Sora goes with her to the Marshes of Morva, she'll explain everything. Sora refuses, not willing to abandon Donald and Goofy. Belladonna becomes so frustrated that she summons an Impulse and dumps a whole shelf of Yzma's potions onto it.
Boss Battle
An Abomination. Sora has to face off with this thing by himself, and it's meant to be 'That One Boss' of this game. Upon defeat of the Abomination, Sora heads back to the tavern. The moment he's gone, a kitten-fied Yzma scurries in and finds the remainder of her potions smashed, suggesting she's now stuck in this form.
Tavern of Tales (part 5)
The tavern is now at its full glory, and the singing harp has initiated their world famous Hoopla. The song and merriment has finally awakened Babylonia. As gratitude she offers to send Sora and his friends right where they want to go, which she assumes would be back to his world; but Sora can't imagine leaving after Belladonna has been meddling with these other worlds. So instead he asks if they can go to the Marshes of Morva.
9. Marshes of Morva
We're on Belladonna's home turf. Sora has access to all of his companions (if for some reason the player wants to use any of them). This chapter reveals Belladonna's motivations. She's a witch who thinks she's a Disney princess. As worlds became connected, she was able to use her powers to watch Sora's exploits from afar. She decided the defining trait of a Disney princess was to 'dream of something more'. Sora argues that you can always make yourself better, but you can never make yourself to be something you aren't. Belladonna counters with the fact that you can, you only have to know how. Using the power of Impulses, you can be anything you want to be. Sora outdebates her with "Not by stealing the passion of others. That only makes you a villain."
Boss Battle(s)
The Horned King does about as much here as he did in the movie, but as the game's plot heads towards the Black Cauldron, the level inevitably leads to an encounter with him. There are also two separate fights with Belladonna, and one final one with a transformed version of the Cauldron itself. The destruction of the Cauldron sucks Sora, Belladonna, and others into a void.
10. The Edge of Nothing
When Sora comes to, he finds himself in a metal structure surrounded by darkness. He first meets the intimidating robot Maximilian, who seems to want to eliminate Sora immediately but he's called off by his human creator Dr. Hans Reinhardt. Shortly thereafter, Sora is reunited with his teammates who explain that Dr. Reinhardt's ship the Cygnus rescued them all from the emptiness of space, and the Gummi Ship has been aboard in the docking station this whole time (yay, convenience). Dr. Reinhardt has been intensely studying the phenomenon of the Black Hole.
As expected, Impulses attack the ship, and Sora assumes correctly that Belladonna is also on the Cygnus. Sora et al tracks her down, but she confesses that she's no longer in control of the Impulses. It is learned through some dumb leaps of intuition that the Black Hole is a tear in the fabric of universes. Sora's universe is on the other side, and his Keyblade being in the wrong universe is what is keeping the Black Hole from closing.
Sora informs Dr. Reinhardt of this revelation. Reinhardt does in fact believe him, as he's become obsessed with the voices on the other side of the Black Hole, but he has no intention of letting Sora control the collapse of it.
Boss Battle(s) Round One
This incidentally is the point of no return. The first battle is with Dr. Reinhardt and tons of Impulses on the control deck. It ends with Reinhardt pinned under a giant screen and the place flooding with too many Impulses for Sora to handle. He sends the rest of his party to the Gummi Ship, turning his attention to Belladonna. Sora asks her to save Dr. Reinhardt. Belladonna initially refuses, but Sora presses the issue telling her that it's not too late to be a hero, and that she can be whatever she wants to be. She hears his words and seems to agree, using the Crystal Nightshade to absorb as much of the Impulse energy at it can.
Sora hurries to the Gummi Ship but is stopped for a solo fight with Maximilian. The robot is part brute force, part puzzle boss. Sora has to weaken him to the point of recharging and then breach the hull of the Cygnus to suck Maximilian into the Black Hole. He then joins his companions on the Gummi Ship and they take off.
Boss Battle(s) Round Two
Belladonna. She never tried to save Dr. Reinhardt, she only wanted the power of the Impulses, and when the Black Hole closes all of the Impulses will vanish. She appears in a huge form to block the Gummi Ship's flight path claiming she never wanted to be a hero, she wanted to be (her interpretation of) a princess. She wants Sora to be the hero of her own fairy tale. The Gummi Ship has to shoot its way through her until she's seemingly defeated.
Maximilian and Dr. Reinhardt have merged together due to the gravitational forces of the Black Hole and now control the remains of the Cygnus into the next fight. Sora wins (hopefully) but the resulting explosion separates him from the rest of his group who emerge on the other side of the Black Hole in their correct universe.
Belladonna is back for one last bout with Sora while the Black Hole is collapsing. He hacks through the remaining Impulse energy until there is only Belladonna left. The Keyblade will keep the rift open long enough for Sora to escape. Belladonna cries out for Sora to save her. Being Sora, he tries, but the result is not seen.
Epilogue
Sora wakes up in Traverse Town. Donald and Goofy have no memory of their experience in the alternate universe. The credits roll revealing everybody else got home all right.
In a post credits scene, Sora finds that his own memories are beginning to fade as well. Desperate to hold on to some element of it he quickly recreates the Tavern of Tales's salute, but the final word eludes him until a random female in town calls out "Kungaloosh!" to him. It may or may not be Belladonna, leaving her fate ambiguous.
So that in way too many words is the synopsis of the Kingdom Hearts game that isn't and won't happen. I hope you enjoyed imagining playing it. If you go back and imagine playing it on the hard difficulty, you'll get a bonus screenshot of the actual developers adding Kingdom Hearts III to their to-do list.
Kungaloosh!
Now the bad news. Game creator/perfectionist Tetsuya Nomura is expected to pull the other half of his development team off the project in favor of a Final Fantasy VII prequel; tentatively titled Aerith Gainsborough: Flower Seller, Two Weeks Before Retirement, which means the third entry in the main series is having to take on extra workers just to make sure its release date is pushed back far enough.
Well I've never been one to accept that I'm doing nothing with my time, so as a courtesy to the KH fan base I've decided to submit my synopsis for a potential spin-off specifically for MAC users who can access a Commodore 64 emulator through a patch based on Word 95. I'm calling it Kingdom Hearts: Esoteric Connections. Even I don't know what the title means.
All of the worlds in this game are going to be based on Disney properties that are dreadfully unlikely to ever make it into the actual series. Here they are in order of appearance.
1. The Adventurer's Club (Pleasure Island in Orlando, Florida 1989-2008)
2. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
3. Melody Time (1948)/Paul Bunyan (1958)
4. Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)
5. The Rescuers (1977)
6. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)
7. Make Mine Music (1945)
8. The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
9. The Black Cauldron (1985)
10. The Black Hole (1979)
Premise:
Some time between one of the Kingdom Hearts games and one of the other ones, Sora, Donald, and Goofy find themselves stranded in a jungle wilderness. As far as they know, the Gummi Ship is lost or destroyed or eaten, it's not important right now. The point is, they're being chased by this new type of enemy called the Impulses, and their experience levels have been set back to 1.
Having to run via cut scene takes them into the first (and serving as home base) world.
1. The Tavern of Tales
The tavern is practically empty. The only human character seen is the unnamed maid who spends Sora's first arrival sitting on the stage in the library talking to the haunted organ. In the main salon, Colonel Critchlow Suchbench sits dormant, and is only woken up after Sora defeats several waves of Impulses. Having come "off duty" the Colonel explains the situation, that nobody comes to the tavern anymore to swap stories because everyone seems to have lost their passion for adventures. Goofy immediately makes the connection that it's related to the Impulses they've been fighting. The tavern has been overshadowed by a cloud of 'Indifference' ever since Babylonia (the stone face on the wall) went to sleep. The Colonel suggests that if Sora travels into the world and acquires some stories to attract people back to the tavern, the cloud will lift. It's Kingdom Hearts logic.
2. The Village of Superstition
The warm-up world is based on Sleepy Hollow and involves a lot of going back and forth. The central problem is that everyone is afraid to come to Katrina van Tassel's Halloween party because of the Impulses running amuck. But Sora and company clear out the monsters multiple times, getting everybody there, inadvertently getting mixed up with the rivalry between Brom Bones and Ichabod Crane.
Boss Battle: The Headless Horseman
As to be expected, this culminates in the boss of the world, which Sora defeats (while still scaring Ichabod away). It turns out not to be Brom in disguise after all, but their old friend Jack Skellington, who got lost on his way back to Halloween Town and felt compelled to give everyone a good scare. Skellington is sent back to The Tavern of Tales while Sora continues to his next destination.
3. The Land of Legends
This world is primarily based on the old west, but is really a combination of a few tales. Johnny Appleseed is the first character they meet, and he's had no luck planting seeds because the land is too dry. Sora has to fight his way through the plains to enlist the help of Pecos Bill, who can rope rainclouds and move them. Unfortunately water is only one part of the solution, they also need the land plowed. For that, Sora has to track down Paul Bunyan. In the process they discover that Simba has also been lost between worlds and has been roaming the land.
Boss Battle(s)
The mid-boss is Babe the Big Blue Ox, who is only protecting Paul Bunyan (who in turn has sunk into a depression as of late). After that defeat-means-friendship moment, Sora figures out that the Impulses are made up of people's passions being stolen from them.
The main boss battle comes later in the form of Stratos, the wind Titan from Hercules. They have to enlist Pecos Bill's help to defeat it, but this releases enough of the Impulses to revitalize Paul Bunyan into helping plow the land.
4. Wishing Mountain
The last land to complete the first circle leading back to the tavern is a world based on Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Sora befriends Darby, and is the only one who believes his tales of the little people. Sora helps protect Darby from several Impulses on his way to fetch the bell for the local church, and learns that there has been another visitor who arrived before Sora who took an interest in the little people.
Through a leap of intuition they realize Aladdin has landed in this world as well and is looking to wish himself back to Agrabah. Sora climbs mount Knocknasheega where he discovers Aladdin has all but perished trying to get to the top.
Boss Battle
The Banshee. Sora has to fight it off so as to not call the Death Coach on Aladdin. His efforts are noticed by King Brian, the leprechaun, who seems surprised that Sora has no interest in wishes, only in restoring the lands and their people to the former story-driven glory. It's here that Sora is granted to ability to warp to places he's already been.
The Tavern of Tales (part 2)
As Sora has done what the Colonel suggested, the tavern is a bit livelier this time. Graves the butler, and Fletcher Hodges the curator are here now. Babylonia is still not awake, but Fletcher has taken it upon himself to revive the Balderdash Cup, a prestigious award given to the person with the greatest tale.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
It's at this point that the tavern's treasurer Otis T. Wren arrives with the news that a young girl has gone missing in Devil's Bayou, and the tavern is requested to send help. With Sora currently the only one qualified to tackle the challenge, he's volunteered.
5. The Devil's Bayou
This essentially follows the story of The Rescuers, with Sora and friends in the Bernard/Miss Bianca role. Penny is replaced by a new character named Belladonna (who claims to be a princess of indeterminate age), although like Penny in the original she also has a teddy bear that she's apparently fond of. The McGuffin this time around is a rare plant, as opposed to a diamond. Madame Medusa is still the main antagonist, even though she remains unfought.
Boss Battle(s)
The midway battle is with Brutus and Nero, Medusa's pet crocodiles. The final battle is related to the plant, which is a form of nightshade that has the ability to absorb certain energies related to the Impulses. It transforms Belladonna's teddy bear into the monster of this world. When defeated, the nightshade crystalizes into a dormant item.
Tavern of Tales (part 3)
And we're back again. The takeaway here is that Sora has now met someone out of place in their world who has not traveled with him before, which throws off the earlier theory. Belladonna thanks Sora for rescuing her and expresses hope that she will be able to find her way back to the Marshes of Morva.
Tavern President Pamelia Perkins has arrived and officially makes Sora, Donald and Goofy members with the salute and creed (Kungaloosh!). Explorer Samantha Sterling then approaches Sora to inform him that Johnny Appleseed has an important discovery that he wants Sora to see.
6. Kingdom of Clouds
Returning to the Land of Legends, Sora finds that the dissipated energies from all of the defeated Impulses has caused one of the vines to stretch way into the sky. With no prompting from anyone, he climbs to the top and discovers the home of Willie the Giant, who has stolen the precious treasure known as the singing harp. You can guess how this plays out.
Boss Battle
Willie, multiple times. He has the ability to shapeshift, which means he confronts the heroes in various shapes as dictated by the environment. When defeated, it becomes evident that he was using the same type of magic energy the Impulses used to achieve these alternate forms, and now he's no longer capable of transformation. Instead of chopping down the vine, Sora allows Willie to climb down to the Land of Legends where Paul Bunyan gives him an earful for stealing the harp in the first place.
Tavern of Tales (part 4)
Based on the number of cutscenes, this is clearly the end of act two. We get a few answers. The Impulses are based on the drive people have to be something other than what they are, i.e. an energy Sora didn't realize he'd been using this whole time. People who have that energy taken from them in essence lose themselves. But he's still not clear why it's happening.
It's time for the Balderdash Competition, and Sora enters along with Otis T. Wren and recent arrival Hathaway Browne, the aviator. When it's Sora's turn to tell his greatest tale, he summarizes the events of the first Kingdom Hearts game. At first, no one believes he could have that many adventures in such a short time period, but he begins to describe how Maleficent organized an entire legion of baddies focused on a single purpose. As he's pressed for more information about Maleficent, a shadow begins forming behind him in the library, manifesting itself into Maleficent and many heartless creatures. It's up to Sora to fight his way through the tavern with the help of Donald, Goofy, Aladdin, Simba, and Jack Skellington.
Boss Battle
Maleficent in dragon form, alongside Princess Belladonna. The defeat of Maleficent restores the tavern to an unblemished state. It becomes clear that this wasn't the real Maleficent, but an illusion created out of Impulse energy and Sora's story.
With things back to normal, Sora is awarded the Balderdash Cup (which slightly increases AP). Hathaway Browne tells Sora that he's sure one of his former companions was spotted in the ocean and offers to fly Sora out to the harbor.
7. The Ocean of Dreams (Boss Battle First)
The Leviathan from Atlantis. Sora's primary goal is to rescue Ariel, and the Leviathan will be the end battle for this level. But that only proves to be the distraction from the main conflict.
A Tragic End
One of the most heart wrenching stories Disney has ever told is The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met. This is the plotline Sora gets involved in for this world, and he's going to inadvertently cause the tragic ending the animated film is remembered for. First he meets impresario Tetti-Tatti and naively spills his past experience with being swallowed by a whale. Then he's going to meet Willie the Whale, and (riding on the theme of the game) encourage him to follow his passion and be more than he already is. And having set up both those elements, while Sora is dealing with the Leviathan, Willie will be harpooned just like in the original.
In this whole series, Sora hasn't dealt with an actual loss yet; certainly not one he's responsible for. It's time for Kingdom Hearts to address the fact that sometimes the world sucks and there is literally no way to prevent it.
8. Kuzcotopia
This level is unique in the sense that Sora deliberately avoids interacting with the film that it's based on. After the past tragedy Sora wants to be alone, asking Donald and Goofy to escort Ariel back to the tavern. His interactions with the characters from The Emperor's New Groove are kept to a minimum, always arriving at set locations before or after the film counterpart has happened. Impulses still run rampant, but Sora seems to be the only one who notices them as the peasants have given up on the hopes of their own.
Princess Belladonna tracks Sora down and tries to encourage him out of his despair. She shows him how to use the nightshade crystal to absorb the energy from defeated Impulses. From there he could change himself into anything he wants. But at best she only gets him to resume his role in defeating the Impulses, not gaining their powers.
Belladonna winds up getting captured by the Impulses, just because, and Sora goes after her. This leads him into Yzma's secret lab. He confronts the Impulses, but soon figures out the kidnapping was only a ruse by Belladonna. She's been controlling the Impulses herself, and the fake kidnapping was to jolt Sora out of his sense of defeat. He demands to know why she's doing this, and she offers her hand. If Sora goes with her to the Marshes of Morva, she'll explain everything. Sora refuses, not willing to abandon Donald and Goofy. Belladonna becomes so frustrated that she summons an Impulse and dumps a whole shelf of Yzma's potions onto it.
Boss Battle
An Abomination. Sora has to face off with this thing by himself, and it's meant to be 'That One Boss' of this game. Upon defeat of the Abomination, Sora heads back to the tavern. The moment he's gone, a kitten-fied Yzma scurries in and finds the remainder of her potions smashed, suggesting she's now stuck in this form.
Tavern of Tales (part 5)
The tavern is now at its full glory, and the singing harp has initiated their world famous Hoopla. The song and merriment has finally awakened Babylonia. As gratitude she offers to send Sora and his friends right where they want to go, which she assumes would be back to his world; but Sora can't imagine leaving after Belladonna has been meddling with these other worlds. So instead he asks if they can go to the Marshes of Morva.
9. Marshes of Morva
We're on Belladonna's home turf. Sora has access to all of his companions (if for some reason the player wants to use any of them). This chapter reveals Belladonna's motivations. She's a witch who thinks she's a Disney princess. As worlds became connected, she was able to use her powers to watch Sora's exploits from afar. She decided the defining trait of a Disney princess was to 'dream of something more'. Sora argues that you can always make yourself better, but you can never make yourself to be something you aren't. Belladonna counters with the fact that you can, you only have to know how. Using the power of Impulses, you can be anything you want to be. Sora outdebates her with "Not by stealing the passion of others. That only makes you a villain."
Boss Battle(s)
The Horned King does about as much here as he did in the movie, but as the game's plot heads towards the Black Cauldron, the level inevitably leads to an encounter with him. There are also two separate fights with Belladonna, and one final one with a transformed version of the Cauldron itself. The destruction of the Cauldron sucks Sora, Belladonna, and others into a void.
10. The Edge of Nothing
When Sora comes to, he finds himself in a metal structure surrounded by darkness. He first meets the intimidating robot Maximilian, who seems to want to eliminate Sora immediately but he's called off by his human creator Dr. Hans Reinhardt. Shortly thereafter, Sora is reunited with his teammates who explain that Dr. Reinhardt's ship the Cygnus rescued them all from the emptiness of space, and the Gummi Ship has been aboard in the docking station this whole time (yay, convenience). Dr. Reinhardt has been intensely studying the phenomenon of the Black Hole.
As expected, Impulses attack the ship, and Sora assumes correctly that Belladonna is also on the Cygnus. Sora et al tracks her down, but she confesses that she's no longer in control of the Impulses. It is learned through some dumb leaps of intuition that the Black Hole is a tear in the fabric of universes. Sora's universe is on the other side, and his Keyblade being in the wrong universe is what is keeping the Black Hole from closing.
Sora informs Dr. Reinhardt of this revelation. Reinhardt does in fact believe him, as he's become obsessed with the voices on the other side of the Black Hole, but he has no intention of letting Sora control the collapse of it.
Boss Battle(s) Round One
This incidentally is the point of no return. The first battle is with Dr. Reinhardt and tons of Impulses on the control deck. It ends with Reinhardt pinned under a giant screen and the place flooding with too many Impulses for Sora to handle. He sends the rest of his party to the Gummi Ship, turning his attention to Belladonna. Sora asks her to save Dr. Reinhardt. Belladonna initially refuses, but Sora presses the issue telling her that it's not too late to be a hero, and that she can be whatever she wants to be. She hears his words and seems to agree, using the Crystal Nightshade to absorb as much of the Impulse energy at it can.
Sora hurries to the Gummi Ship but is stopped for a solo fight with Maximilian. The robot is part brute force, part puzzle boss. Sora has to weaken him to the point of recharging and then breach the hull of the Cygnus to suck Maximilian into the Black Hole. He then joins his companions on the Gummi Ship and they take off.
Boss Battle(s) Round Two
Belladonna. She never tried to save Dr. Reinhardt, she only wanted the power of the Impulses, and when the Black Hole closes all of the Impulses will vanish. She appears in a huge form to block the Gummi Ship's flight path claiming she never wanted to be a hero, she wanted to be (her interpretation of) a princess. She wants Sora to be the hero of her own fairy tale. The Gummi Ship has to shoot its way through her until she's seemingly defeated.
Maximilian and Dr. Reinhardt have merged together due to the gravitational forces of the Black Hole and now control the remains of the Cygnus into the next fight. Sora wins (hopefully) but the resulting explosion separates him from the rest of his group who emerge on the other side of the Black Hole in their correct universe.
Belladonna is back for one last bout with Sora while the Black Hole is collapsing. He hacks through the remaining Impulse energy until there is only Belladonna left. The Keyblade will keep the rift open long enough for Sora to escape. Belladonna cries out for Sora to save her. Being Sora, he tries, but the result is not seen.
Epilogue
Sora wakes up in Traverse Town. Donald and Goofy have no memory of their experience in the alternate universe. The credits roll revealing everybody else got home all right.
In a post credits scene, Sora finds that his own memories are beginning to fade as well. Desperate to hold on to some element of it he quickly recreates the Tavern of Tales's salute, but the final word eludes him until a random female in town calls out "Kungaloosh!" to him. It may or may not be Belladonna, leaving her fate ambiguous.
So that in way too many words is the synopsis of the Kingdom Hearts game that isn't and won't happen. I hope you enjoyed imagining playing it. If you go back and imagine playing it on the hard difficulty, you'll get a bonus screenshot of the actual developers adding Kingdom Hearts III to their to-do list.
Kungaloosh!
Wednesday, June 14, 2017
Wonder Woman: Arriving Precisely When She Means To
So perhaps you've heard by now that the Wonder Woman movie made it to theaters after something like 176 years; which really isn't that big a deal when you consider dinosaurs lived, roamed, died, and became fossilized over millions of years before ever getting a script green lit. Everybody who matters has loved it, and why shouldn't they? It's a great cast, solid script, and impressively controlled directing from Patty Jenkins.
The DC franchise has been struggling. A lot of people claim the films have been striking out (to borrow a tried and true baseball metaphor). I don't agree with that per se, I think they've been getting on the base. They just haven't scored until now. Wonder Woman finally hit the much needed home run for the team.
So with critics and audiences in agreement on the quality of the movie, one of the big questions flying around is: why did this movie take so long to get made? It seemed to have everything going for it for ages; women have in fact been playing video games and reading comics and yelling at each other over Joel vs. Mike debates for decades. The target audience has been there. And I'd like to think the bulk of male audiences have figured out 'girl stuff' isn't a virus (hell, we were getting into barroom brawls over Sailor Moon back in 1997!).
Well as usual, the answer is probably a combination of things. First off, a lot really was riding on this film. Not just the future of DC movies but female superheroes in general. Wonder Woman isn't just iconic, she's metaphorical. Unlike specifically defined characters like Xena or Jessica Jones, Diana has to effectively give off an "I'm every woman" vibe (a song that was thankfully not part of the film) while still being her own character. That's a hard balance to pull off. Superman is still struggling with it. Batman has the luxury of an inimitable rogue's gallery to reflect. But DC characters are essentially modern gods, and that's a hard level for us to find relatable.
Purely from an artistic perspective, that has to be a lot of pressure to get Diana right. Tank Girl and Domino can come and go, and any failings can be shrugged off. But if Wonder Woman had fallen apart, that would have given credence to the outdated (and insulting) notion that movies with female leads just aren't bankable. Even as of the making of the film, DC studios weren't actually betting on the film. All signs point to the studio not expecting a hit. The movie was probably only greenlit at all because they HAD to make the movie for The Justice League to work.
But screw it, let's take a cue from Diana and focus on hope. She's here now, the movie is great, and feminism (a concept truly misunderstood by way too many Youtubers) has a new ally. And I think it's worth addressing why it worked so well. It boils down to one single element; the character of Princess Diana.
First off, it helps immensely that Jenkins and Gadot clearly love the character, and both of them look like they're prepared to face down any criticism with no apologies. In a round about way, it also kind of helped that DC didn't fully believe in the film, because they didn't care enough to re-edit it behind Jenkins's back. As such, the film was a single director's vision, which is ultimately what has to happen if character nuance has any chance of surviving.
The most vital component to making the film work was this; the audience had to come away from the film knowing who Diana was, not what she can do. This is where a lot of superhero characters get lost in the crowd, because too much focus is placed on their abilities, not their souls. Many past incarnations of Wonder Woman have forgotten that she's more than a lasso and a pair of bracelets, and she's suffered for it. Here are three examples of her character handled correctly.
Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham (2014)
Laura Bailey. You're probably familiar with her voice work even if you don't realize it (check out her very long list of credentials on her Wikipedia entry). My first encounter with Bailey was on the Gamecube version of Bloodrayne where she gave a much more solid performance than the game required her to. Later I found out she was voicing Sana in the Kodocha dub (a feat that anime fans believed would be impossible). She's essentially amazing.
In the context of Lego Batman 3, Wonder Woman gets zapped by the red anger energy, from something related to the Green Lantern premise with which I'm far from familiar. The bulk of Bailey's performance as Diana involves her conveying the sense that she is just about to lose it. Everything from her instructions delivered with a sneer, to the most beautiful "That's so IDIOTIC!" ever screamed is flawless, and really damn funny.
So while there's not much character development to be found, there are some very interesting quirks that other versions of Wonder Woman can learn from. One is the fact that even when filled with rage, Wonder Woman is still heroic. Lex Luthor and the Joker are also hit by mood altering energies and they go through complete alignment changes. Wonder Woman does not. She still does the right thing even while she's complaining about it. That's a nice touch.
Another thing is that Diana is offered a rare opportunity for some comedy. DC is thought of as the 'serious' comic company, and their main triumvirate always look so grumpy when they pose together. And while it's probably not in character to have Wondie start cracking wise, it's okay to put her in situations so bizarre that her earnestness can give the audience a chuckle. In too many versions of her, the artists/directors seem worried that the imperfection of humor is going to drag the goddess too close to the muck of humanity. But comedy can also be sophisticated if you care enough to make it so. You can have it both ways.
DC Super Hero Girls (2015-present)
This toy line is a brilliant marketing strategy. Their goal is simple: get young girls attached to the DC characters; particularly poignant in light of Marvel's 'Where the hell are the Black Widow action figures?' fiasco. The franchise is set at Super Hero High, a high school/college hybrid that should sum up the next eight years of angst for its target audience.
The teenaged version of Wondie is voice by V.A. princess Grey Griffin with virtuoso restraint. This Diana is allowed to feel things (fear, jealousy, doubt) without the typically two minute long stories ever needing to spell out that she's wrestling with those feelings. Like her Bailey counterpart, Griffin's Diana will always do the right thing no matter how she feels about it. But it's the complexity of emotion contained in the deceptively simple storylines that stand out in this version.
For example, there's a season one video where Diana's roommate Harley Quinn (most of the villains are adapted quite a bit) affectionately puts together a highlight reel of Wondie's most embarrassing moments of the school year. In a span of mere seconds, Diana goes through shock, horror, and withdrawal before choosing to accept Harley's shortcomings in the spirit they're meant, and forcing a smile that quickly becomes genuine.
The big takeaway here is an exploration of what Wonder Woman is like when she has friends. In most Justice League appearances we're basically seeing Diana at work, with the typical workplace front we all have to display. At Super Hero High we witness more of an interpersonal dependability among the Super Friends. And the series manages to convey the tem dynamic without sacrificing the individual personalities (I daresay Sailor Moon had extended stretches where the Scouts were interchangeable). DC, pay attention to the creative team in this silly little corner of your universe. There's a lot more talent than you may be aware of.
Wonder Woman (2017)
And we're full circle. Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. It remains to be seen what kind of range as an actress she has outside of Diana, but she's as perfectly cast in the role of Wondie as Ryan Reynolds is as Deadpool. Even when she's not on the screen you still feel her presence. The supporting male cast all make choices in the middle of wartime that are clearly influenced by their brief time spent with Diana; complete with the full spectrum of emotions that men usually avoid showing.
Diana herself never acts like she feels she has anything to prove, she merely has something she needs to do. She's naïve but not immature, innocent but not blind, vulnerable but not weak. One of my favorite moments in the film was where she and Steve were walking through the streets of London. The Amazonian was none too impressed with early twentieth civilization, eschewing the wide-eyed fascination Ariel had when sightseeing...um...Erictown (did The Little Mermaid ever name the human kingdom?). But then she sees a baby, and her face lights up. As an Amazon, she's never seen one before, and if she ever needed a physical representation of why she left the sanctity of her island, this was it. Diana is a fighter, but she's also a caretaker.
I don't know why it took so long for this film to be made, but in retrospect it was probably for the best; 1984's Supergirl and 2004's Catwoman are a pair of bullets those characters are still reeling from. Maybe we're just ready for her now, or maybe we're pointed in the wrong side of history and Wonder Woman is who we desperately need. In either case, she was worth the wait. I hope we're able to make her proud.
The DC franchise has been struggling. A lot of people claim the films have been striking out (to borrow a tried and true baseball metaphor). I don't agree with that per se, I think they've been getting on the base. They just haven't scored until now. Wonder Woman finally hit the much needed home run for the team.
So with critics and audiences in agreement on the quality of the movie, one of the big questions flying around is: why did this movie take so long to get made? It seemed to have everything going for it for ages; women have in fact been playing video games and reading comics and yelling at each other over Joel vs. Mike debates for decades. The target audience has been there. And I'd like to think the bulk of male audiences have figured out 'girl stuff' isn't a virus (hell, we were getting into barroom brawls over Sailor Moon back in 1997!).
Well as usual, the answer is probably a combination of things. First off, a lot really was riding on this film. Not just the future of DC movies but female superheroes in general. Wonder Woman isn't just iconic, she's metaphorical. Unlike specifically defined characters like Xena or Jessica Jones, Diana has to effectively give off an "I'm every woman" vibe (a song that was thankfully not part of the film) while still being her own character. That's a hard balance to pull off. Superman is still struggling with it. Batman has the luxury of an inimitable rogue's gallery to reflect. But DC characters are essentially modern gods, and that's a hard level for us to find relatable.
Purely from an artistic perspective, that has to be a lot of pressure to get Diana right. Tank Girl and Domino can come and go, and any failings can be shrugged off. But if Wonder Woman had fallen apart, that would have given credence to the outdated (and insulting) notion that movies with female leads just aren't bankable. Even as of the making of the film, DC studios weren't actually betting on the film. All signs point to the studio not expecting a hit. The movie was probably only greenlit at all because they HAD to make the movie for The Justice League to work.
But screw it, let's take a cue from Diana and focus on hope. She's here now, the movie is great, and feminism (a concept truly misunderstood by way too many Youtubers) has a new ally. And I think it's worth addressing why it worked so well. It boils down to one single element; the character of Princess Diana.
First off, it helps immensely that Jenkins and Gadot clearly love the character, and both of them look like they're prepared to face down any criticism with no apologies. In a round about way, it also kind of helped that DC didn't fully believe in the film, because they didn't care enough to re-edit it behind Jenkins's back. As such, the film was a single director's vision, which is ultimately what has to happen if character nuance has any chance of surviving.
The most vital component to making the film work was this; the audience had to come away from the film knowing who Diana was, not what she can do. This is where a lot of superhero characters get lost in the crowd, because too much focus is placed on their abilities, not their souls. Many past incarnations of Wonder Woman have forgotten that she's more than a lasso and a pair of bracelets, and she's suffered for it. Here are three examples of her character handled correctly.
Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham (2014)
Laura Bailey. You're probably familiar with her voice work even if you don't realize it (check out her very long list of credentials on her Wikipedia entry). My first encounter with Bailey was on the Gamecube version of Bloodrayne where she gave a much more solid performance than the game required her to. Later I found out she was voicing Sana in the Kodocha dub (a feat that anime fans believed would be impossible). She's essentially amazing.
In the context of Lego Batman 3, Wonder Woman gets zapped by the red anger energy, from something related to the Green Lantern premise with which I'm far from familiar. The bulk of Bailey's performance as Diana involves her conveying the sense that she is just about to lose it. Everything from her instructions delivered with a sneer, to the most beautiful "That's so IDIOTIC!" ever screamed is flawless, and really damn funny.
So while there's not much character development to be found, there are some very interesting quirks that other versions of Wonder Woman can learn from. One is the fact that even when filled with rage, Wonder Woman is still heroic. Lex Luthor and the Joker are also hit by mood altering energies and they go through complete alignment changes. Wonder Woman does not. She still does the right thing even while she's complaining about it. That's a nice touch.
Another thing is that Diana is offered a rare opportunity for some comedy. DC is thought of as the 'serious' comic company, and their main triumvirate always look so grumpy when they pose together. And while it's probably not in character to have Wondie start cracking wise, it's okay to put her in situations so bizarre that her earnestness can give the audience a chuckle. In too many versions of her, the artists/directors seem worried that the imperfection of humor is going to drag the goddess too close to the muck of humanity. But comedy can also be sophisticated if you care enough to make it so. You can have it both ways.
DC Super Hero Girls (2015-present)
This toy line is a brilliant marketing strategy. Their goal is simple: get young girls attached to the DC characters; particularly poignant in light of Marvel's 'Where the hell are the Black Widow action figures?' fiasco. The franchise is set at Super Hero High, a high school/college hybrid that should sum up the next eight years of angst for its target audience.
The teenaged version of Wondie is voice by V.A. princess Grey Griffin with virtuoso restraint. This Diana is allowed to feel things (fear, jealousy, doubt) without the typically two minute long stories ever needing to spell out that she's wrestling with those feelings. Like her Bailey counterpart, Griffin's Diana will always do the right thing no matter how she feels about it. But it's the complexity of emotion contained in the deceptively simple storylines that stand out in this version.
For example, there's a season one video where Diana's roommate Harley Quinn (most of the villains are adapted quite a bit) affectionately puts together a highlight reel of Wondie's most embarrassing moments of the school year. In a span of mere seconds, Diana goes through shock, horror, and withdrawal before choosing to accept Harley's shortcomings in the spirit they're meant, and forcing a smile that quickly becomes genuine.
The big takeaway here is an exploration of what Wonder Woman is like when she has friends. In most Justice League appearances we're basically seeing Diana at work, with the typical workplace front we all have to display. At Super Hero High we witness more of an interpersonal dependability among the Super Friends. And the series manages to convey the tem dynamic without sacrificing the individual personalities (I daresay Sailor Moon had extended stretches where the Scouts were interchangeable). DC, pay attention to the creative team in this silly little corner of your universe. There's a lot more talent than you may be aware of.
Wonder Woman (2017)
And we're full circle. Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. It remains to be seen what kind of range as an actress she has outside of Diana, but she's as perfectly cast in the role of Wondie as Ryan Reynolds is as Deadpool. Even when she's not on the screen you still feel her presence. The supporting male cast all make choices in the middle of wartime that are clearly influenced by their brief time spent with Diana; complete with the full spectrum of emotions that men usually avoid showing.
Diana herself never acts like she feels she has anything to prove, she merely has something she needs to do. She's naïve but not immature, innocent but not blind, vulnerable but not weak. One of my favorite moments in the film was where she and Steve were walking through the streets of London. The Amazonian was none too impressed with early twentieth civilization, eschewing the wide-eyed fascination Ariel had when sightseeing...um...Erictown (did The Little Mermaid ever name the human kingdom?). But then she sees a baby, and her face lights up. As an Amazon, she's never seen one before, and if she ever needed a physical representation of why she left the sanctity of her island, this was it. Diana is a fighter, but she's also a caretaker.
I don't know why it took so long for this film to be made, but in retrospect it was probably for the best; 1984's Supergirl and 2004's Catwoman are a pair of bullets those characters are still reeling from. Maybe we're just ready for her now, or maybe we're pointed in the wrong side of history and Wonder Woman is who we desperately need. In either case, she was worth the wait. I hope we're able to make her proud.
Tuesday, May 30, 2017
13 Hitchhiking Ghosts (or Why I Spend Thirty Percent of my Disney Vacation with My Hands Over My Eyes)
This blog was inspired by Rob Plays, a Youtuber and Disney fan. He and his cohort put out a video each listing their top five scariest things in the Disney theme parks. I thought it might be fun to scroll through my own childhood memories to see what I thought the top five most frightening things in the parks were.
Then my mind wouldn't stop at five. So I thought I might push it to ten. That number also came and went. And it was at that point I realized just how much time I spend on the rides with my eyes closed.
Here's the thing: animatronics scare the hell out of me. I have no idea why. My adult brain just seems to misfire neurons when confronted with something that looks like it's supposed to be alive but is clearly nothing more than a mechanical apparatus with eyes. I love Disney, but the place really creeps me out.
In the interest of attempted brevity, I'm going to personalize my list by focusing on things that probably nobody but me is bothered by. So, deliberate jump scare moments with the yetis on the Matterhorn and Expedition Everest are out, as is the whole damn Snow White ride (which, to this day, I have not seen more than twenty percent of). With those eliminations, I think I've been able to narrow it down to the thirteen Disney ghosts that have followed me home.
13. The Ghost Host, The Haunted Mansion (Disneyland)
Specifically the one from Disneyland. To be honest, the Haunted Mansions are more fascinating than scary. Yeah, the ghosts popping up are never fun for me, and the incarnations that use the huge spiders don't help my arachnophobia any, but I'm much better on The Haunted Mansion than most dark rides.
But then there's that stretching room that leads up to the reveal of the Ghost Host hanging from the ceiling above you. In the California attraction, the floor you're on is actually lowering, which means when you first walk in you're very close to the 'dead body' on the other side of the ceiling scrim. When I first figured that out, I was compelled to stare as hard as I could at the ceiling before we started moving to see if I could spot some trace of the apparition. But then I thought, what if I really did see it? And since then I won't look up until I know we're way down at the bottom of the elevator. Just in case.
12. Sabor, Tarzan's Treehouse (Disneyland)
Hey, you know what's fun after getting up at five in the morning, walking several acres across a parking lot, and standing in at least a dozen lines? Climbing steps. In a fake tree.
Tarzan moved into the Swiss Family Robinson's home and brought with him a few surprises to prove the Imagineers did more than put up a new sign. And in Tarzan's childhood home is Sabor, the feral leopard. Sabor is technically a statue, not an animatronic, but it doesn't help. That psychotic look on the creature's face gives one (this one) a sense that adrenaline has kicked in and time only seems to be frozen. It's made all the worse by the fact that you can't see Sabor from any kind of distance. You have to duck your head into the house, and surprise! Thanks Disney.
11. The Owl, Tom Sawyer's Island, (uncertain)
Tom Sawyer's Island is an interesting oddity. If you're on a tight timeframe, you're likely to skip this place; a pity, but an understandable one. If you do venture onto the island, you have what amounts to a personal adventure of exploration. You might find a merry-go-round that looks like a rock, a barrel bridge, and a cave or two.
In at least one of the parks there was a large wooden structure, probably a mill, I don't really remember. I went back and forth through it a couple of times. Nice I guess, no big deal. Then at one point I was inside the place, and for whatever reason I happened to look up, and- holy f- how long has that been there? Yeah, it's just an owl (excuse me, a lifeless shell pretending to be an owl), but damn if that thing wasn't staring right at me. I think it sucked out a small but significant piece of my soul forever.
10. Skeletons, The Pirates of the Caribbean, (Magic Kingdom)
This one is just creepy. The cue line for the Pirates at one point takes you around both sides of a cell where a couple of pirates have died while playing cards. For me, it's the fact that you're up, looking down into the cell below. You can't really get a good view, which gives your mind a few gaps to fill in. Why are they down there? How did they die? Are they actually going to get up and move around?
When I see something from a distance that makes me uncomfortable, my brain automatically starts rewriting reality as if I'm right in the middle of said location. I can't help but imagine what it's like to just be down there, sitting on display.
9. Chernabog, Fantasia Mini-Golf, (Magic Kingdom)
Okay, to be fair this one really isn't bad, it's more the idea that's unsettling. Fantasia Mini-Golf is a great golf course with a lot of fun obstacles. But about halfway through the course there's a cave, which is never a pleasant sign. And the hole even warns you that you might encounter the Slavic deity of dead raising, soul crushing, and karaoke on Thursdays.
He's in there all right. Barely. Imagine if a kid in class hand draws the big guy on an overhead projector sheet and then shines it on the wall. And then turns the light off and back on. Oooh, scary. My wife sometimes likes to remind me of "that tiny gargoyle" that made me so uncomfortable, but you know what? We were in a cave! And it was Chernabog! Come on, he could jump off the wall at any time!
8. Monstro, Storybook Land Canal Boats, (Disneyland)
Monstro's not exactly a surprise on this ride. You see him from the walkway, you see him from the cue, and you see him as your boat drags slowly into his giant mouth while the underpaid attendant gives a half-assed "Oh no, we're being swallowed by the whale from the 1940 classic Pinocchio, sit down kid or your face is going into the bromine filled lake water!"
But then you're through the mouth and you forget about him. And you trudge past miniature versions of Atlantica and Agrabah and sit there thinking you could have been on Space Mountain twice instead of doing this, and suddenly those huge teeth reappear over your shoulder. It's the same Monstro that you just went through, but the ride has doubled back on itself. He's not meant to be part of the tour a second time but he's still larger than the wall separating the two sections. It's a little jarring and embarrassing, in that order.
7.-5. A Bull/A Dead Dinosaur/A Semi-Truck, Mr. Toad/Big Thunder Mountain/Test Track
This is the part of the blog where I start to get tired of typing, and since these three are essentially jump scares there's not much to say except that I startle easily.
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is no more in Florida, but in its heyday it was a true work of chaos. Everything from the iconic suit of armor that falls at you to the fact that you end up in Hell could serve as a bit of nightmare fuel. For me the worst of it was the damned bull, which I believe was a two dimension piece of wood they shoved at you. But no matter how fake it looked, I swear it almost hit us.
The dinosaur bones on Big Thunder Mountain serve as the climax of the rollercoaster (that couldn't be bothered to add in a decent drop after the dramatic final lift). There's no warning. It's just 'round the last curve and, oh, were your hands up? Well, they're not anymore. And may never be again.
And then there's the 'surprise' truck that lights up at the most sadistic moment in the Test Track ride, blaring its horn and eliminating the possibility of ever trusting the world again. Fun times.
4. Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty Castle, (Disneyland)
I don't know why Disney won't say Sleeping Beauty[apostrophe s] Castle, but if you've never been to the park in California you'll be surprised at how small the castle is. Depending on when in time you visit the park there might be a walkthrough attraction telling the story of Sleeping Beauty. So, um, who's the first character you think of when I say Sleeping Beauty?
The truth is, nothing bad ever really happens. But you can't push through the tight corridors without feeling that it might. You may have had the experience a hundred identical times and still sense that THIS time Maleficent might be standing in some nook. Or may appear in a green wisp right in front of you. The attraction is claustrophobic, and you know the dragon is going to make an appearance somewhere in some form. They once had a miniature version of it in a window display that I swear looked way bigger than it could possibly have been.
This hidden attraction also has a longer lasting effect on your whole Disneyland visit. If this whole story exists in this small castle, what other surprises are you going to find in every other corner of Walt's park? So you start glancing over your shoulder. And then you start finding things. And you are now officially paranoid. Welcome to the party.
3. The Crocodile, Peter Pan's Flight, (Magic Kingdom)
I don't find crocodiles all that frightening in real life. Dangerous, yes, but I don't have any kind of fear reflex upon seeing them. I can't say the same for fake crocodiles. My best theory? Sculptors are horrible people. Every crocodile I've seen at any mini-golf course or jungle themed ride has this...aura about it. Their expressions always look predatory, combining threats of eating and/or drowning you; and unlike sharks, they can chase you up on land.
The witch from Snow White's ride stopped my heart a few times, but the crocodile has inserted himself into the plotlines of many a nightmare. If I went on the ride for the first time as an adult, I might not have such a strong reaction, but as a much smaller organism, the thing looked huge. And naturally I was on the left side of the boat where all the action happened. You first do a flyby just a little too close to him; followed by Captain Hook's ultimate demise, which is a bit of a left turn surprise that I found terrifying. And then as a nice touch, the monster shows up once more on the port side at the unloading area. I think I did a diving roll off the ride at the impressionable age of six.
2. The Former Guests, The Tower of Terror, Disney Studios
You know something else I'm not bothered by? Heights. I mean, there's a fun-fear, but it's not unpleasant for me. My enjoyment of The Tower of Terror was forever ruined by one malfunction and a little bit of thought.
I was on the ride and one of about a hundred possible reasons to have to shut down the attraction happened. My elevator was at the big drop when the lights came on and the prerecorded spiel about how much the attractions hosts really hate the tourists came through the speakers. We started going down at about half the speed of a real elevator. And on the way down we passed a couple of plastic glow-in-the-dark silhouettes of the 'ghost characters' that disappeared in the tower as per story. I just assumed they were spares for elsewhere in the ride being stored there.
But then I thought about it. And I realized they were there on purpose to be blink and you miss them ghostly images on the up and down thrill portion of the ride. Yeah, I know. A cheap Halloween store prop has imprinted on a grown man's brain causing him to think he's seeing real ghosts. I should be humiliated, and the fact that I'm not should tell you how strong of an impact these things really have on me.
1. Chernabog (again), The Share-a-Dream-Come-True Parade, (Magic Kingdom)
Only a handful of people get to experience this one. The DCT parade (originally the SAD parade, but management had no sense of irony) was a series of floats designed to be snow globes. The villains float housed a performer playing Snow White's wicked queen suffering through a sauna of about twenty degrees hotter than whatever the Florida weather was doing outside. Joining her on the float were other regulars like Maleficent, Cruella, Jafar, and a half living half mechanical Ursula on the back (That was me, Sean Astin! I blew you the kiss!). And towering over the queen with his claws on the glass was an inflatable Chernabog. It was awesome!
So yours truly had the hair pulling, skin crawling, tantrum inducing pleasure of getting stuck doing gantry in between day and night parades, which is basically busy work for the cast members who are already bitter about being unceremoniously yanked out of their bid lines. Among the menial tasks upon which we were impressed was cleaning the inside of the snow globe glass only as far up as we could reach (busy work).
So there I am in the villains globe, where the magic for anyone above eleven happens, actually kind of enjoying being there. We're only allowed to use water, because the parade just becomes confusing if the evil queen passes out on Main Street due to fumes. I've scrubbed off a full 360 of fingerprints from knee to shoulder level, and I'm just about to start reciting the queen's lines in Michael Eisner's voice when it occurs to me for the first time that Mr. Nabog's distorted eyes have been peering down at me this whole time.
You know those horror films that essentially amount to if you don't do this one thing you'll survive, and the prospective body count of the festivities makes a special trip out of their way to do that one thing? I swear I heard a full theater's audience chanting "Dude! Don't look up!" Well, I'm proud to say I took their advice. I clambered my way out of the tank and casually walked into the parade building where I pretended to drink from the water fountain for twenty minutes until it was time to head back to the main tunnel. I spent the next few days looking straight forward, convinced that he was still behind and above me. Sometimes in dark theaters or abandoned casino boats that I really have no business being in, I still feel Chernabog hovering, breathing down my neck, and waiting for the joy of my shriek of terror that I'd robbed him of.
Making magic memories.
Then my mind wouldn't stop at five. So I thought I might push it to ten. That number also came and went. And it was at that point I realized just how much time I spend on the rides with my eyes closed.
Here's the thing: animatronics scare the hell out of me. I have no idea why. My adult brain just seems to misfire neurons when confronted with something that looks like it's supposed to be alive but is clearly nothing more than a mechanical apparatus with eyes. I love Disney, but the place really creeps me out.
In the interest of attempted brevity, I'm going to personalize my list by focusing on things that probably nobody but me is bothered by. So, deliberate jump scare moments with the yetis on the Matterhorn and Expedition Everest are out, as is the whole damn Snow White ride (which, to this day, I have not seen more than twenty percent of). With those eliminations, I think I've been able to narrow it down to the thirteen Disney ghosts that have followed me home.
13. The Ghost Host, The Haunted Mansion (Disneyland)
Specifically the one from Disneyland. To be honest, the Haunted Mansions are more fascinating than scary. Yeah, the ghosts popping up are never fun for me, and the incarnations that use the huge spiders don't help my arachnophobia any, but I'm much better on The Haunted Mansion than most dark rides.
But then there's that stretching room that leads up to the reveal of the Ghost Host hanging from the ceiling above you. In the California attraction, the floor you're on is actually lowering, which means when you first walk in you're very close to the 'dead body' on the other side of the ceiling scrim. When I first figured that out, I was compelled to stare as hard as I could at the ceiling before we started moving to see if I could spot some trace of the apparition. But then I thought, what if I really did see it? And since then I won't look up until I know we're way down at the bottom of the elevator. Just in case.
12. Sabor, Tarzan's Treehouse (Disneyland)
Hey, you know what's fun after getting up at five in the morning, walking several acres across a parking lot, and standing in at least a dozen lines? Climbing steps. In a fake tree.
Tarzan moved into the Swiss Family Robinson's home and brought with him a few surprises to prove the Imagineers did more than put up a new sign. And in Tarzan's childhood home is Sabor, the feral leopard. Sabor is technically a statue, not an animatronic, but it doesn't help. That psychotic look on the creature's face gives one (this one) a sense that adrenaline has kicked in and time only seems to be frozen. It's made all the worse by the fact that you can't see Sabor from any kind of distance. You have to duck your head into the house, and surprise! Thanks Disney.
11. The Owl, Tom Sawyer's Island, (uncertain)
Tom Sawyer's Island is an interesting oddity. If you're on a tight timeframe, you're likely to skip this place; a pity, but an understandable one. If you do venture onto the island, you have what amounts to a personal adventure of exploration. You might find a merry-go-round that looks like a rock, a barrel bridge, and a cave or two.
In at least one of the parks there was a large wooden structure, probably a mill, I don't really remember. I went back and forth through it a couple of times. Nice I guess, no big deal. Then at one point I was inside the place, and for whatever reason I happened to look up, and- holy f- how long has that been there? Yeah, it's just an owl (excuse me, a lifeless shell pretending to be an owl), but damn if that thing wasn't staring right at me. I think it sucked out a small but significant piece of my soul forever.
10. Skeletons, The Pirates of the Caribbean, (Magic Kingdom)
This one is just creepy. The cue line for the Pirates at one point takes you around both sides of a cell where a couple of pirates have died while playing cards. For me, it's the fact that you're up, looking down into the cell below. You can't really get a good view, which gives your mind a few gaps to fill in. Why are they down there? How did they die? Are they actually going to get up and move around?
When I see something from a distance that makes me uncomfortable, my brain automatically starts rewriting reality as if I'm right in the middle of said location. I can't help but imagine what it's like to just be down there, sitting on display.
9. Chernabog, Fantasia Mini-Golf, (Magic Kingdom)
Okay, to be fair this one really isn't bad, it's more the idea that's unsettling. Fantasia Mini-Golf is a great golf course with a lot of fun obstacles. But about halfway through the course there's a cave, which is never a pleasant sign. And the hole even warns you that you might encounter the Slavic deity of dead raising, soul crushing, and karaoke on Thursdays.
He's in there all right. Barely. Imagine if a kid in class hand draws the big guy on an overhead projector sheet and then shines it on the wall. And then turns the light off and back on. Oooh, scary. My wife sometimes likes to remind me of "that tiny gargoyle" that made me so uncomfortable, but you know what? We were in a cave! And it was Chernabog! Come on, he could jump off the wall at any time!
8. Monstro, Storybook Land Canal Boats, (Disneyland)
Monstro's not exactly a surprise on this ride. You see him from the walkway, you see him from the cue, and you see him as your boat drags slowly into his giant mouth while the underpaid attendant gives a half-assed "Oh no, we're being swallowed by the whale from the 1940 classic Pinocchio, sit down kid or your face is going into the bromine filled lake water!"
But then you're through the mouth and you forget about him. And you trudge past miniature versions of Atlantica and Agrabah and sit there thinking you could have been on Space Mountain twice instead of doing this, and suddenly those huge teeth reappear over your shoulder. It's the same Monstro that you just went through, but the ride has doubled back on itself. He's not meant to be part of the tour a second time but he's still larger than the wall separating the two sections. It's a little jarring and embarrassing, in that order.
7.-5. A Bull/A Dead Dinosaur/A Semi-Truck, Mr. Toad/Big Thunder Mountain/Test Track
This is the part of the blog where I start to get tired of typing, and since these three are essentially jump scares there's not much to say except that I startle easily.
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is no more in Florida, but in its heyday it was a true work of chaos. Everything from the iconic suit of armor that falls at you to the fact that you end up in Hell could serve as a bit of nightmare fuel. For me the worst of it was the damned bull, which I believe was a two dimension piece of wood they shoved at you. But no matter how fake it looked, I swear it almost hit us.
The dinosaur bones on Big Thunder Mountain serve as the climax of the rollercoaster (that couldn't be bothered to add in a decent drop after the dramatic final lift). There's no warning. It's just 'round the last curve and, oh, were your hands up? Well, they're not anymore. And may never be again.
And then there's the 'surprise' truck that lights up at the most sadistic moment in the Test Track ride, blaring its horn and eliminating the possibility of ever trusting the world again. Fun times.
4. Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty Castle, (Disneyland)
I don't know why Disney won't say Sleeping Beauty[apostrophe s] Castle, but if you've never been to the park in California you'll be surprised at how small the castle is. Depending on when in time you visit the park there might be a walkthrough attraction telling the story of Sleeping Beauty. So, um, who's the first character you think of when I say Sleeping Beauty?
The truth is, nothing bad ever really happens. But you can't push through the tight corridors without feeling that it might. You may have had the experience a hundred identical times and still sense that THIS time Maleficent might be standing in some nook. Or may appear in a green wisp right in front of you. The attraction is claustrophobic, and you know the dragon is going to make an appearance somewhere in some form. They once had a miniature version of it in a window display that I swear looked way bigger than it could possibly have been.
This hidden attraction also has a longer lasting effect on your whole Disneyland visit. If this whole story exists in this small castle, what other surprises are you going to find in every other corner of Walt's park? So you start glancing over your shoulder. And then you start finding things. And you are now officially paranoid. Welcome to the party.
3. The Crocodile, Peter Pan's Flight, (Magic Kingdom)
I don't find crocodiles all that frightening in real life. Dangerous, yes, but I don't have any kind of fear reflex upon seeing them. I can't say the same for fake crocodiles. My best theory? Sculptors are horrible people. Every crocodile I've seen at any mini-golf course or jungle themed ride has this...aura about it. Their expressions always look predatory, combining threats of eating and/or drowning you; and unlike sharks, they can chase you up on land.
The witch from Snow White's ride stopped my heart a few times, but the crocodile has inserted himself into the plotlines of many a nightmare. If I went on the ride for the first time as an adult, I might not have such a strong reaction, but as a much smaller organism, the thing looked huge. And naturally I was on the left side of the boat where all the action happened. You first do a flyby just a little too close to him; followed by Captain Hook's ultimate demise, which is a bit of a left turn surprise that I found terrifying. And then as a nice touch, the monster shows up once more on the port side at the unloading area. I think I did a diving roll off the ride at the impressionable age of six.
2. The Former Guests, The Tower of Terror, Disney Studios
You know something else I'm not bothered by? Heights. I mean, there's a fun-fear, but it's not unpleasant for me. My enjoyment of The Tower of Terror was forever ruined by one malfunction and a little bit of thought.
I was on the ride and one of about a hundred possible reasons to have to shut down the attraction happened. My elevator was at the big drop when the lights came on and the prerecorded spiel about how much the attractions hosts really hate the tourists came through the speakers. We started going down at about half the speed of a real elevator. And on the way down we passed a couple of plastic glow-in-the-dark silhouettes of the 'ghost characters' that disappeared in the tower as per story. I just assumed they were spares for elsewhere in the ride being stored there.
But then I thought about it. And I realized they were there on purpose to be blink and you miss them ghostly images on the up and down thrill portion of the ride. Yeah, I know. A cheap Halloween store prop has imprinted on a grown man's brain causing him to think he's seeing real ghosts. I should be humiliated, and the fact that I'm not should tell you how strong of an impact these things really have on me.
1. Chernabog (again), The Share-a-Dream-Come-True Parade, (Magic Kingdom)
Only a handful of people get to experience this one. The DCT parade (originally the SAD parade, but management had no sense of irony) was a series of floats designed to be snow globes. The villains float housed a performer playing Snow White's wicked queen suffering through a sauna of about twenty degrees hotter than whatever the Florida weather was doing outside. Joining her on the float were other regulars like Maleficent, Cruella, Jafar, and a half living half mechanical Ursula on the back (That was me, Sean Astin! I blew you the kiss!). And towering over the queen with his claws on the glass was an inflatable Chernabog. It was awesome!
So yours truly had the hair pulling, skin crawling, tantrum inducing pleasure of getting stuck doing gantry in between day and night parades, which is basically busy work for the cast members who are already bitter about being unceremoniously yanked out of their bid lines. Among the menial tasks upon which we were impressed was cleaning the inside of the snow globe glass only as far up as we could reach (busy work).
So there I am in the villains globe, where the magic for anyone above eleven happens, actually kind of enjoying being there. We're only allowed to use water, because the parade just becomes confusing if the evil queen passes out on Main Street due to fumes. I've scrubbed off a full 360 of fingerprints from knee to shoulder level, and I'm just about to start reciting the queen's lines in Michael Eisner's voice when it occurs to me for the first time that Mr. Nabog's distorted eyes have been peering down at me this whole time.
You know those horror films that essentially amount to if you don't do this one thing you'll survive, and the prospective body count of the festivities makes a special trip out of their way to do that one thing? I swear I heard a full theater's audience chanting "Dude! Don't look up!" Well, I'm proud to say I took their advice. I clambered my way out of the tank and casually walked into the parade building where I pretended to drink from the water fountain for twenty minutes until it was time to head back to the main tunnel. I spent the next few days looking straight forward, convinced that he was still behind and above me. Sometimes in dark theaters or abandoned casino boats that I really have no business being in, I still feel Chernabog hovering, breathing down my neck, and waiting for the joy of my shriek of terror that I'd robbed him of.
Making magic memories.
Monday, May 15, 2017
The Wax Buzzard Files: Chapter Four -Chapter Three Part Two
If you're joining the story for the first time, you've really missed a lot, and you should be ashamed. Why don't you get caught up while the rest of us tap our feet impatiently waiting for you?
Lunch with Miss Nomer and Mr. Happy's thugs was uneventful, with the exception of a Corvette that crashed through a window in the non-smoking section with its engine on fire; the driver was asked to leave. We did the usual routine; small talk, breadsticks, a shootout or two. Actually it was just one shootout that got interrupted by one of the waiters asking us if we wanted ground pepper.
I came out unscathed, mainly because I spent most of the gunfight in the kitchen complaining about the noise. By the time it was over the diner was a mess with broken glass everywhere, although most of that wasn't us, it was just the décor. That was the diner's gimmick: great food, and broken glass everywhere.
Miss Nomer had survived the ordeal the old fashioned way. She didn't get shot. I couldn't say the same for Zanzibar and Jake because the pronouns didn't match up. Jake had run out of bullets pretty quickly because he'd neglected to buy any. On the other hand, Zanzibar had plenty of bullets but he kept forgetting to load them into his gun. In the end, every bullet fired happened to hit the same patron, and he luckily turned out to be a pimp with a criminal record and several library fines.
Miss Nomer and I were left alone after that, Zanzibar ran off to take a phone call and Jake started filling out his college application. "Miss Nomer," I said. "May I call you Russell?"
"Why Russell?"
"I just wanted to see if you were listening." I took out the card she'd given me and set it on the table next to her, whereupon we got up and moved to that table to look at the card. "What is this about?"
"Have you read it yet?"
"I try to avoid reading if I can help it. I read somewhere that you can't believe everything you read."
She drew in a breath; not to say she hadn't been breathing the whole time but she had one of those femme fatale voices that she wanted to practice. "Mr. Guffey, I was hired to steal a priceless diamond."
"Everything's got a price," I said.
"Well this didn't. The tag had fallen off."
"And let me guess, you and your buyer couldn't agree on what it was worth. And with no price tag to settle the dispute, the deal was off."
"I ran."
"Did he threaten you?"
She swallowed hard. "I've never seen a man shake his fist so angrily. Please Detective, he's hired a specialist."
"Specializing in what?"
"Nothing special."
I pretended to take a sip of the empty glass on the table. "That doesn't sound good."
"If he finds me, my life won't be worth the scrabble tiles it takes to spell."
I agreed. "Those are pretty common letters. So why come to me? I mean, if there's no price on the diamond it's not technically theft. You could go to the police and say you just found it while you were trespassing in somebody's house."
"It's not that simple, Detective Guffey."
"Really? Why is that?"
"It just isn't."
"I think it probably is that simple."
"Well trust me, it isn't," she sneered. "If it were that simple, I would have done it. I didn't, so it's obviously not that simple. Can we please move on?"
"Have you tried going to the police? I bet if you gave that a shot you'd see how simple it-"
"That's it." She stood up, adjusted her dress, and walked over to the server who had just brought out a plate of spaghetti and two salads. She picked up the first salad and threw it onto the floor where the bowl smashed into ceramic pieces. The second followed suit.
I sighed. "All right. You've made your point. It's not that simple." The spaghetti plate went next. Then she broke the serving tray over her knee and threw it at the bottles behind the bar. "I said I believe you," I told her. "There's no need to make a scene."
"I know. I'm just having fun." She overturned three tables before sitting back down.
"So where is the diamond now?" I asked.
"I have it in a secret place."
"Can you tell me?"
"No. Then it wouldn't be a secret."
I was getting in over my head. I thought about bailing on her before the waiter brought us the check, but she abruptly stood up and pointed to one of the booths behind me.
"Don't look over there!" she advised. "There's a man at that table."
"What's he doing?"
"Ignoring us."
That seemed a little too suspicious. I moved over to where he was (without looking, as per Miss Nomer's request) and grabbed him by the collar. "What's the big idea of minding your own business?" I demanded.
He reached into his coat and pulled out a rubber chicken and hit me in the head with it, all the while sticking his tongue out going "bleah bleah bleah".
I shook him. "Don't be silly. I asked you a question."
Miss Nomer scurried up next to me. "Who is he?"
"He's an irritant," I said. The guy repeated my words in a mocking impression of me. "Somebody's toying with us." I shot him a look for continuing to copy me.
Miss Nomer looked back and forth between the two of us nineteen times. "Should we get out of here?"
"Yes," said the entire restaurant in unison. She flipped them off.
"Come on," I told her. "I know a guy who knows a guy."
"Can he help?"
"Who? The first guy or the second guy?"
"Either one!"
"Nope. We're on our own."
We pushed our way through the diner, bumping into each other the whole way (made all the more complicated by the fact that I was still holding on to the irritant's collar) and got stuck in the door. Somewhere, somebody had answers, that much I was sure. I could only hope that: one, I could find this person; two, their answers applied to my situation; and three, actually I miscounted, there were only two things. But one lesson that only life will teach you, because nobody else wants to, is sometimes your biggest obstacle is an open door.
In the interest of maintaining predictability, Chapter Five is next.
Lunch with Miss Nomer and Mr. Happy's thugs was uneventful, with the exception of a Corvette that crashed through a window in the non-smoking section with its engine on fire; the driver was asked to leave. We did the usual routine; small talk, breadsticks, a shootout or two. Actually it was just one shootout that got interrupted by one of the waiters asking us if we wanted ground pepper.
I came out unscathed, mainly because I spent most of the gunfight in the kitchen complaining about the noise. By the time it was over the diner was a mess with broken glass everywhere, although most of that wasn't us, it was just the décor. That was the diner's gimmick: great food, and broken glass everywhere.
Miss Nomer had survived the ordeal the old fashioned way. She didn't get shot. I couldn't say the same for Zanzibar and Jake because the pronouns didn't match up. Jake had run out of bullets pretty quickly because he'd neglected to buy any. On the other hand, Zanzibar had plenty of bullets but he kept forgetting to load them into his gun. In the end, every bullet fired happened to hit the same patron, and he luckily turned out to be a pimp with a criminal record and several library fines.
Miss Nomer and I were left alone after that, Zanzibar ran off to take a phone call and Jake started filling out his college application. "Miss Nomer," I said. "May I call you Russell?"
"Why Russell?"
"I just wanted to see if you were listening." I took out the card she'd given me and set it on the table next to her, whereupon we got up and moved to that table to look at the card. "What is this about?"
"Have you read it yet?"
"I try to avoid reading if I can help it. I read somewhere that you can't believe everything you read."
She drew in a breath; not to say she hadn't been breathing the whole time but she had one of those femme fatale voices that she wanted to practice. "Mr. Guffey, I was hired to steal a priceless diamond."
"Everything's got a price," I said.
"Well this didn't. The tag had fallen off."
"And let me guess, you and your buyer couldn't agree on what it was worth. And with no price tag to settle the dispute, the deal was off."
"I ran."
"Did he threaten you?"
She swallowed hard. "I've never seen a man shake his fist so angrily. Please Detective, he's hired a specialist."
"Specializing in what?"
"Nothing special."
I pretended to take a sip of the empty glass on the table. "That doesn't sound good."
"If he finds me, my life won't be worth the scrabble tiles it takes to spell."
I agreed. "Those are pretty common letters. So why come to me? I mean, if there's no price on the diamond it's not technically theft. You could go to the police and say you just found it while you were trespassing in somebody's house."
"It's not that simple, Detective Guffey."
"Really? Why is that?"
"It just isn't."
"I think it probably is that simple."
"Well trust me, it isn't," she sneered. "If it were that simple, I would have done it. I didn't, so it's obviously not that simple. Can we please move on?"
"Have you tried going to the police? I bet if you gave that a shot you'd see how simple it-"
"That's it." She stood up, adjusted her dress, and walked over to the server who had just brought out a plate of spaghetti and two salads. She picked up the first salad and threw it onto the floor where the bowl smashed into ceramic pieces. The second followed suit.
I sighed. "All right. You've made your point. It's not that simple." The spaghetti plate went next. Then she broke the serving tray over her knee and threw it at the bottles behind the bar. "I said I believe you," I told her. "There's no need to make a scene."
"I know. I'm just having fun." She overturned three tables before sitting back down.
"So where is the diamond now?" I asked.
"I have it in a secret place."
"Can you tell me?"
"No. Then it wouldn't be a secret."
I was getting in over my head. I thought about bailing on her before the waiter brought us the check, but she abruptly stood up and pointed to one of the booths behind me.
"Don't look over there!" she advised. "There's a man at that table."
"What's he doing?"
"Ignoring us."
That seemed a little too suspicious. I moved over to where he was (without looking, as per Miss Nomer's request) and grabbed him by the collar. "What's the big idea of minding your own business?" I demanded.
He reached into his coat and pulled out a rubber chicken and hit me in the head with it, all the while sticking his tongue out going "bleah bleah bleah".
I shook him. "Don't be silly. I asked you a question."
Miss Nomer scurried up next to me. "Who is he?"
"He's an irritant," I said. The guy repeated my words in a mocking impression of me. "Somebody's toying with us." I shot him a look for continuing to copy me.
Miss Nomer looked back and forth between the two of us nineteen times. "Should we get out of here?"
"Yes," said the entire restaurant in unison. She flipped them off.
"Come on," I told her. "I know a guy who knows a guy."
"Can he help?"
"Who? The first guy or the second guy?"
"Either one!"
"Nope. We're on our own."
We pushed our way through the diner, bumping into each other the whole way (made all the more complicated by the fact that I was still holding on to the irritant's collar) and got stuck in the door. Somewhere, somebody had answers, that much I was sure. I could only hope that: one, I could find this person; two, their answers applied to my situation; and three, actually I miscounted, there were only two things. But one lesson that only life will teach you, because nobody else wants to, is sometimes your biggest obstacle is an open door.
In the interest of maintaining predictability, Chapter Five is next.
Friday, May 12, 2017
Super Punch-Line!! (Arcade Edition)
I don't know if you've ever tried doing stand up comedy, but I can tell you (from my very limited experience with the ordeal) that it's similar to the scene in Jurassic Park where Dennis Nedry has to leave the jeep to attach the wench while being sized up (and eventually being killed and eaten) by the dilophosaurus. You're basically throwing yourself into the wilds and hoping like hell you make it out with wounds that aren't permanent. Making people laugh when they aren't expecting it is actually not that difficult; but making them laugh when they ARE expecting it is the mental equivalent to a martial arts tournament.
It's no wonder that comedians adopt a violent natured vocabulary when describing their relationship to their audiences. "I killed 'em tonight!", "I was dying out there.", etc. When you also factor in that nearly everyone who goes into comedy does so to try to work through some personal darkness, it becomes easy to think of those who make us laugh as sort of cognitive fighters.
I look at a comedian like Steven Wright and I see a matador facing off against a massive beast (one that doesn't get murdered for the sake of entertainment). Ellen DeGeneres is a swashbuckler, more interested in making the blades dance than draw blood. The Pythons were the weapon designers, creating everything from flails to ballistae for young warriors to try on for size. And Seth MacFarlane is a brute.
But there's a special kind of comedian who regularly steps into the boxing ring, having to keep the crowds happy while also being prepared to take jabs from an unpredictable and often untrained opponent. These are the late night talk show hosts.
Have you ever really paid attention to these people? There is a lot more skill in being a talk show host than any of them will ever let on. Jokes have to be accessible to a national audience. Guests have to be treated with respect (the very opposite of comedy's nature). And sponsors have to be appeased. Meaning, when anything throws off the rhythm of a national talk show, it's on the shoulders of the host to protect everybody; utilizing every skill in their fighter's arsenal.
Realizing this, that got me thinking about the old 1983 arcade game Punch-Out!! where you take on the role of Little Mac and work your way through a series of boxers in a bid for the world championship. You know the one I'm talking about. "Body blow! Body blow! Duck! Duck! Uppercut! Knock him out!" And I started wondering, what might that game look like if it were translated into the late night talk show circuit, with various hosts as the boxers. I think it would go something like this.
6. Glass Joe
Okay, let's assume you're not familiar with the game. Little Mac is your guy with green hair and his body is presented in wire frame so you can see through him (exactly the way stand-up feels). He's center screen with his back to you and your opponents move around the ring facing him and the camera.
Glass Joe is your first opponent, and he's meant to be fairly unchallenging to get you to dump more quarters into the machine. His name is obviously a pun on 'glass jaw'.
Your opponent
Conan O'Brien. Now let me say at this point, this is not a list to suggest which late night talk show host is the funniest, it's only to analyze what I feel is each comedian's fighting style and to make the appropriate connection to the arcade game. Glass Joe is the boxer who teaches you how to play the game, and if you're going up against comedians, Conan is the guy you want to learn from.
Conan has the perpetual boyish charm, and he becomes funnier when he's surrounded by people who are deadpan serious. His humor is at its best when it's reactive; somebody gives him some things to work with and he puts them together in absurd ways. And this is why he's the right first opponent, it gives you a chance to control the playing field.
Again, let me stress I'm not placing him first on the roster as an insult Conan fans. It's just that everyone has a different sense of humor, and Conan's tends to be pretty sweet and generous. And it's also apparent when he's hurting. There are many sides to that whole debacle over The Tonight Show, but I will never forget how hurt Conan was by it and how much it showed on his face. Fullest round of bravado to him for getting back in the ring after that. He's easily the most vulnerable of all the comedians on this list, but don't let that fool you; he's still on this list because he's a force to be reckoned with.
5. Piston Hurricane
Your second opponent in the game is really when things get started. Kid gloves are off, boxing gloves are on. Old PH is a bruiser. You trade blows with him. He knocks you down. You knock him down. Then you feel like you've got the rhythm down. That's when he brings out the big guns, several rapid fire punches and an uppercut that sends you to the mat.
What the hell? Where'd that come from? You're back on your feet getting your groove back, when bam! He does it again? How do you avoid that? You replay it in your head looking for beats where you could block or counter. You've got a couple of ideas now but it's too late. You're down for the K.O. Damn it! Gimme a quarter!
David Letterman
Letterman made a reputation for himself by having a kind of snide quality. Some have called him mean-spirited, while others say that's just a synonym for funny. Whether or not you take to his particular brand of humor, you have to admit Dave had a sharp tongue. More often than not he'd withhold its use but if you gave him a reason to he'd give you a lashing and you'd feel it for years.
A friend of mine pointed out how well Letterman could recover from a bit that wasn't working. It's a skill all comedians have to learn if they hope to avoid being swallowed, but yeah, Dave could do it without flinching. I suggested to my friend that Letterman may have deliberately allowed the show to turn downwards just so he could save it. My friend was thrown by the idea. "I never thought about that, do you really think so?" Of course. No magician reminds the audience that everything is okay while he saws a woman in half. Tension-release doesn't work if there's no tension.
4. Bald Bull
A lot of people probably think that Bald Bull was the final boxer, and that's because so few people made it past him. Piston Hurricane was the first opponent who fought like he wanted to punch you through the floor. Bald Bull could actually do it.
You know I haven't mentioned this, I've never played this game. One of the joys of the arcade was being able to stand behind a total stranger and watch them test their own skill on their own quarter and reap the adrenaline of their success or failure. I can't tell you how many times I've held my breath watching Bald Bull go down for a count of three before rising up again and that health bar creeping all the way back to full. And then that look. Pure vindictiveness aimed at the player and the small group gathered around the machine. I knew we were all going to die.
Jay Leno
Hear me out. I know it's hard to imagine Mr. Headlines even in a fight, much less delivering a Bald Bull pummeling; but that's the trick. The mind of a comedian often follows the same beats as that of a sociopath. The main difference is that a comedian is not a sociopath, they know there are real people with real feelings who can be lifted up or beaten down by a clever turn of a phrase or left field comparison. Comedians use their own mental prowess to filter their own human darkness into manageable laughs for the rest of us. And the nice ones REALLY hold themselves back.
Look at Leno and every time he's chuckled and proclaimed some Hollywood a-hole as "a great guy". For decades he maintained that 'aw shucks' attitude no matter how much criticism or insults he took. Now look at his skills. The guy knows how to monologue. He's got jokes. Sure every comedian's got jokes, but Leno's got a full almanac at his disposal. Any situation, he can whip out a handful that are not only appropriate to the occasion but he has a sixth sense about the order to place them in. Easy joke followed by off the wall joke followed by cheap joke followed by cutting edge joke...
Now imagine going up against Leno where there can only be one winner. Now you see why he's the Bald Bull of the late night circuit? You only get the upper hand because he allows you to, just to see if he needs to dole out anything more than softballs. Then you put him in the corner and feel pretty good about yourself. He gets back up and gives you a puckish wink. And you're down. He helps you back up, and you're down again. And when you've had more than you can take, he stands over you jovially, telling you what a great guy you are.
3. Kid Quick
Any lucky schmoes who manage to survive the previous round are presented with what looks like it's going to be a breather episode. Kid Quick is exactly what his name implies. He doesn't hit you with single blows that put you away. He comes at you with a series of strikes that turn you into his punching bag. You try to retaliate and he dances around you. He shouldn't be this much trouble, so what the hell is happening?
Comedy, as an entity, will allow you through it's doors if you can only do one thing. That's all you need; to be good at one thing. But the tides of comedy also shift. And there will come a point where those who can only do one thing will be shown the exit. If you're going to stay in comedy, you've got to have versatility. One thing will get you through the door, but you'll need at least three to have any sort of longevity. Kid Quick tests your ability to adjust your tactics.
Stephen Colbert
With Leno or Letterman, if you got on their bad side you'd know it. You wake up in an alley somewhere with a new nose and a realization that challenging a freight train to a game of chicken was never going to end well. But you wind up on Colbert's bad side, you'll spend the rest of your life paranoid that the world never made sense. You don't wake up in an alley after being Colbert's punching bag. You wake up at home, in bed, in a Twilight Zone version of the life you formerly had where people who never gave you a second glance are now assuring you that "you did really well out there" and you have literally no idea what the f**k just happened.
The Daily Show has given us the heroes of legends, but nobody is more controlled and precise than Stephen Colbert. He's the comedic version of a surgeon. He brings a scalpel to a cannon fight, and you expect a barrage of force is going to obliterate him off the map before you even look his way. But then the dust clears, and he's dodged everything you've thrown at him. Damn it, Colbert! You reload your cannons and light the fuses, which burn halfway down before falling to the ground harmlessly, because he's used his scalpel faster than you can load your cannons. Now he stares at you, just out of reach, with an impish grin that says "Give me all of whatever you've got left." You have no option left but to charge him directly, not realizing that you only have one direction to move in and he has a whole plane in which to sidestep you. You're now face down in the dirt, at his mercy.
You're lucky he's only going to open you up and transplant some humility into you (you know who you are).
2. Pizza Pasta
I had to look this guy up online to prove that he ever existed. I swear I saw somebody fight Mr. Pasta waaaaay back in the day, but then he was gone (Maybe Nintendo didn't want to stereotype Italians?).
So...Pizza (you horrible parents, no wonder he's mad) was ultimately filler to delay the inevitable. He apparently has a special attack that drains your health, but really, who cares? What we need to know is this boxer was one shy of the champion, and only appeared in the first arcade game. So I'm going to treat him as an optional opponent.
Jack Parr
Very little still exists of Jack Parr's hosting of The Tonight Show (or Tonight Starring Jack Parr). His tenure ran from 1957 to 1962, having inherited the slot from Steve Allen. History records Parr as being emotional and unpredictable, at least for live television of the late 50's. For example, his introduction of Jayne Mansfield was a simple change of tense "Here they are, Jayne Mansfield!" referring to her iconic cleavage.
The most retold story about Jack Parr involved a bit he did in February of 1960 that centered around a "water closet" (oh my, what a rapscallion) or toilet, as we say in America. Network censors cut the joke without telling him. Parr's response was to tell his live audience "There must be a better way of making a living than this," whereupon he walked off the show during the airing. The details of what happened after that are unclear, but apparently he was persuaded to return on March 7 to pick up where he left off with "As I was saying before I was interrupted...I believe my last words were that there must be a better way of making a living than this. Well, I've looked... and there isn't." He continued hosting for another three years.
Jack Parr was obviously before my time, so I can't really offer more than a passing comprehension of who he was. And while I don't agree with walking out on your job over something so trivial, I have to admit that he must have been a badass. Not because he walked, but because he was not just allowed, but persuaded to return. He had to have been good at what he did. So if we're considering a host congruent with Pizza "the Hutt" Pasta (the guy one knockout shy of the world champion), Jack Parr is that fighter.
1. Mr. Sandman
Before the game series started kissing up to Mike Tyson to use his likeness as the final boss, Punch-Out!! had an original character as the final opponent, Mr. Sandman. The most interesting thing about Sandy was that there wasn't anything interesting about him. Each of the previous boxers had a quirk, some special move or weak spot or something to distinguish their fight from the rest of the game. Mr. Sandman didn't have any of that. What he had was the most skill overall.
When you imagine Punch-Out!! as only the tip of a rich iceberg of boxing history that has led up to this particular roster, a lot of questions answer themselves about why Kid Quick's tactics have moved him to a higher ranking than Piston Hurricane's combos. And the fact that Mr. Sandman is ahead of everybody else without any sort of signature move that only he can do, it tells you exactly how good of a boxer he is. And let's face it, in terms of late night hosts there was only ever going to be one guy at the top.
Johnny Carson
The comedians you see in front of an audience typically don't exist once they step out of the spotlight. The ones who do, like Groucho Marx, tend to drive their human counterpart into misery; Julius Marx was one of the greatest comedic performers who sadly never found peace through his craft. But the Carson that you know, or know of, stayed on the stage. The real life Johnny was incredibly shy. His friend Dick Cavett said that Carson was the most socially uncomfortable person he'd ever known. As such, Carson's public persona achieved the same thing for himself it did for the rest of us; transcendence.
All talk show hosts are their own circus ringmasters, but Carson was THE ringmaster. From start to finish, he was in control of the show. Under anybody else, there's always a chance of the trapeze artist slipping or the elephant getting blinded by flash photography. Not with Carson. The chaotic elements of show business obeyed his will. If Don Rickles started upstaging him, or Siskel and Ebert got into a tiff during an interview, it wasn't because Carson had lost control. It was because he decided it would happen.
So you're stepping into the ring with Johnny Carson. Here's a couple of tips. Give him all you've got, but not all at once. You dance with him, he's going to make you look good. Don't resort to cheap tricks, because he doesn't have the patience for it. Political or social issues? Don't bother. He's spent his life avoiding those jabs. And more than anything else, accept that you aren't going to win. The closest thing you have to a decision in this match is how he's going to put you down.
Remember Carson is Mr. Sandman. Not the video game character, but in real life. For thirty years and over four and a half thousand shows, he put America to bed. You're not going to be any different; you just decide if you want to be carried off the stage in a stretcher or invited over to the couch where he can tuck you in gently. Johnny Carson was the master, not because he had the sharpest wit or the fastest tongue, but because he trained himself to be ready for anything and everything. There will never be another Johnny Carson.
May the angels bring him the joy he brought to us.
It's no wonder that comedians adopt a violent natured vocabulary when describing their relationship to their audiences. "I killed 'em tonight!", "I was dying out there.", etc. When you also factor in that nearly everyone who goes into comedy does so to try to work through some personal darkness, it becomes easy to think of those who make us laugh as sort of cognitive fighters.
I look at a comedian like Steven Wright and I see a matador facing off against a massive beast (one that doesn't get murdered for the sake of entertainment). Ellen DeGeneres is a swashbuckler, more interested in making the blades dance than draw blood. The Pythons were the weapon designers, creating everything from flails to ballistae for young warriors to try on for size. And Seth MacFarlane is a brute.
But there's a special kind of comedian who regularly steps into the boxing ring, having to keep the crowds happy while also being prepared to take jabs from an unpredictable and often untrained opponent. These are the late night talk show hosts.
Have you ever really paid attention to these people? There is a lot more skill in being a talk show host than any of them will ever let on. Jokes have to be accessible to a national audience. Guests have to be treated with respect (the very opposite of comedy's nature). And sponsors have to be appeased. Meaning, when anything throws off the rhythm of a national talk show, it's on the shoulders of the host to protect everybody; utilizing every skill in their fighter's arsenal.
Realizing this, that got me thinking about the old 1983 arcade game Punch-Out!! where you take on the role of Little Mac and work your way through a series of boxers in a bid for the world championship. You know the one I'm talking about. "Body blow! Body blow! Duck! Duck! Uppercut! Knock him out!" And I started wondering, what might that game look like if it were translated into the late night talk show circuit, with various hosts as the boxers. I think it would go something like this.
6. Glass Joe
Okay, let's assume you're not familiar with the game. Little Mac is your guy with green hair and his body is presented in wire frame so you can see through him (exactly the way stand-up feels). He's center screen with his back to you and your opponents move around the ring facing him and the camera.
Glass Joe is your first opponent, and he's meant to be fairly unchallenging to get you to dump more quarters into the machine. His name is obviously a pun on 'glass jaw'.
Your opponent
Conan O'Brien. Now let me say at this point, this is not a list to suggest which late night talk show host is the funniest, it's only to analyze what I feel is each comedian's fighting style and to make the appropriate connection to the arcade game. Glass Joe is the boxer who teaches you how to play the game, and if you're going up against comedians, Conan is the guy you want to learn from.
Conan has the perpetual boyish charm, and he becomes funnier when he's surrounded by people who are deadpan serious. His humor is at its best when it's reactive; somebody gives him some things to work with and he puts them together in absurd ways. And this is why he's the right first opponent, it gives you a chance to control the playing field.
Again, let me stress I'm not placing him first on the roster as an insult Conan fans. It's just that everyone has a different sense of humor, and Conan's tends to be pretty sweet and generous. And it's also apparent when he's hurting. There are many sides to that whole debacle over The Tonight Show, but I will never forget how hurt Conan was by it and how much it showed on his face. Fullest round of bravado to him for getting back in the ring after that. He's easily the most vulnerable of all the comedians on this list, but don't let that fool you; he's still on this list because he's a force to be reckoned with.
5. Piston Hurricane
Your second opponent in the game is really when things get started. Kid gloves are off, boxing gloves are on. Old PH is a bruiser. You trade blows with him. He knocks you down. You knock him down. Then you feel like you've got the rhythm down. That's when he brings out the big guns, several rapid fire punches and an uppercut that sends you to the mat.
What the hell? Where'd that come from? You're back on your feet getting your groove back, when bam! He does it again? How do you avoid that? You replay it in your head looking for beats where you could block or counter. You've got a couple of ideas now but it's too late. You're down for the K.O. Damn it! Gimme a quarter!
David Letterman
Letterman made a reputation for himself by having a kind of snide quality. Some have called him mean-spirited, while others say that's just a synonym for funny. Whether or not you take to his particular brand of humor, you have to admit Dave had a sharp tongue. More often than not he'd withhold its use but if you gave him a reason to he'd give you a lashing and you'd feel it for years.
A friend of mine pointed out how well Letterman could recover from a bit that wasn't working. It's a skill all comedians have to learn if they hope to avoid being swallowed, but yeah, Dave could do it without flinching. I suggested to my friend that Letterman may have deliberately allowed the show to turn downwards just so he could save it. My friend was thrown by the idea. "I never thought about that, do you really think so?" Of course. No magician reminds the audience that everything is okay while he saws a woman in half. Tension-release doesn't work if there's no tension.
4. Bald Bull
A lot of people probably think that Bald Bull was the final boxer, and that's because so few people made it past him. Piston Hurricane was the first opponent who fought like he wanted to punch you through the floor. Bald Bull could actually do it.
You know I haven't mentioned this, I've never played this game. One of the joys of the arcade was being able to stand behind a total stranger and watch them test their own skill on their own quarter and reap the adrenaline of their success or failure. I can't tell you how many times I've held my breath watching Bald Bull go down for a count of three before rising up again and that health bar creeping all the way back to full. And then that look. Pure vindictiveness aimed at the player and the small group gathered around the machine. I knew we were all going to die.
Jay Leno
Hear me out. I know it's hard to imagine Mr. Headlines even in a fight, much less delivering a Bald Bull pummeling; but that's the trick. The mind of a comedian often follows the same beats as that of a sociopath. The main difference is that a comedian is not a sociopath, they know there are real people with real feelings who can be lifted up or beaten down by a clever turn of a phrase or left field comparison. Comedians use their own mental prowess to filter their own human darkness into manageable laughs for the rest of us. And the nice ones REALLY hold themselves back.
Look at Leno and every time he's chuckled and proclaimed some Hollywood a-hole as "a great guy". For decades he maintained that 'aw shucks' attitude no matter how much criticism or insults he took. Now look at his skills. The guy knows how to monologue. He's got jokes. Sure every comedian's got jokes, but Leno's got a full almanac at his disposal. Any situation, he can whip out a handful that are not only appropriate to the occasion but he has a sixth sense about the order to place them in. Easy joke followed by off the wall joke followed by cheap joke followed by cutting edge joke...
Now imagine going up against Leno where there can only be one winner. Now you see why he's the Bald Bull of the late night circuit? You only get the upper hand because he allows you to, just to see if he needs to dole out anything more than softballs. Then you put him in the corner and feel pretty good about yourself. He gets back up and gives you a puckish wink. And you're down. He helps you back up, and you're down again. And when you've had more than you can take, he stands over you jovially, telling you what a great guy you are.
3. Kid Quick
Any lucky schmoes who manage to survive the previous round are presented with what looks like it's going to be a breather episode. Kid Quick is exactly what his name implies. He doesn't hit you with single blows that put you away. He comes at you with a series of strikes that turn you into his punching bag. You try to retaliate and he dances around you. He shouldn't be this much trouble, so what the hell is happening?
Comedy, as an entity, will allow you through it's doors if you can only do one thing. That's all you need; to be good at one thing. But the tides of comedy also shift. And there will come a point where those who can only do one thing will be shown the exit. If you're going to stay in comedy, you've got to have versatility. One thing will get you through the door, but you'll need at least three to have any sort of longevity. Kid Quick tests your ability to adjust your tactics.
Stephen Colbert
With Leno or Letterman, if you got on their bad side you'd know it. You wake up in an alley somewhere with a new nose and a realization that challenging a freight train to a game of chicken was never going to end well. But you wind up on Colbert's bad side, you'll spend the rest of your life paranoid that the world never made sense. You don't wake up in an alley after being Colbert's punching bag. You wake up at home, in bed, in a Twilight Zone version of the life you formerly had where people who never gave you a second glance are now assuring you that "you did really well out there" and you have literally no idea what the f**k just happened.
The Daily Show has given us the heroes of legends, but nobody is more controlled and precise than Stephen Colbert. He's the comedic version of a surgeon. He brings a scalpel to a cannon fight, and you expect a barrage of force is going to obliterate him off the map before you even look his way. But then the dust clears, and he's dodged everything you've thrown at him. Damn it, Colbert! You reload your cannons and light the fuses, which burn halfway down before falling to the ground harmlessly, because he's used his scalpel faster than you can load your cannons. Now he stares at you, just out of reach, with an impish grin that says "Give me all of whatever you've got left." You have no option left but to charge him directly, not realizing that you only have one direction to move in and he has a whole plane in which to sidestep you. You're now face down in the dirt, at his mercy.
You're lucky he's only going to open you up and transplant some humility into you (you know who you are).
2. Pizza Pasta
I had to look this guy up online to prove that he ever existed. I swear I saw somebody fight Mr. Pasta waaaaay back in the day, but then he was gone (Maybe Nintendo didn't want to stereotype Italians?).
So...Pizza (you horrible parents, no wonder he's mad) was ultimately filler to delay the inevitable. He apparently has a special attack that drains your health, but really, who cares? What we need to know is this boxer was one shy of the champion, and only appeared in the first arcade game. So I'm going to treat him as an optional opponent.
Jack Parr
Very little still exists of Jack Parr's hosting of The Tonight Show (or Tonight Starring Jack Parr). His tenure ran from 1957 to 1962, having inherited the slot from Steve Allen. History records Parr as being emotional and unpredictable, at least for live television of the late 50's. For example, his introduction of Jayne Mansfield was a simple change of tense "Here they are, Jayne Mansfield!" referring to her iconic cleavage.
The most retold story about Jack Parr involved a bit he did in February of 1960 that centered around a "water closet" (oh my, what a rapscallion) or toilet, as we say in America. Network censors cut the joke without telling him. Parr's response was to tell his live audience "There must be a better way of making a living than this," whereupon he walked off the show during the airing. The details of what happened after that are unclear, but apparently he was persuaded to return on March 7 to pick up where he left off with "As I was saying before I was interrupted...I believe my last words were that there must be a better way of making a living than this. Well, I've looked... and there isn't." He continued hosting for another three years.
Jack Parr was obviously before my time, so I can't really offer more than a passing comprehension of who he was. And while I don't agree with walking out on your job over something so trivial, I have to admit that he must have been a badass. Not because he walked, but because he was not just allowed, but persuaded to return. He had to have been good at what he did. So if we're considering a host congruent with Pizza "the Hutt" Pasta (the guy one knockout shy of the world champion), Jack Parr is that fighter.
1. Mr. Sandman
Before the game series started kissing up to Mike Tyson to use his likeness as the final boss, Punch-Out!! had an original character as the final opponent, Mr. Sandman. The most interesting thing about Sandy was that there wasn't anything interesting about him. Each of the previous boxers had a quirk, some special move or weak spot or something to distinguish their fight from the rest of the game. Mr. Sandman didn't have any of that. What he had was the most skill overall.
When you imagine Punch-Out!! as only the tip of a rich iceberg of boxing history that has led up to this particular roster, a lot of questions answer themselves about why Kid Quick's tactics have moved him to a higher ranking than Piston Hurricane's combos. And the fact that Mr. Sandman is ahead of everybody else without any sort of signature move that only he can do, it tells you exactly how good of a boxer he is. And let's face it, in terms of late night hosts there was only ever going to be one guy at the top.
Johnny Carson
The comedians you see in front of an audience typically don't exist once they step out of the spotlight. The ones who do, like Groucho Marx, tend to drive their human counterpart into misery; Julius Marx was one of the greatest comedic performers who sadly never found peace through his craft. But the Carson that you know, or know of, stayed on the stage. The real life Johnny was incredibly shy. His friend Dick Cavett said that Carson was the most socially uncomfortable person he'd ever known. As such, Carson's public persona achieved the same thing for himself it did for the rest of us; transcendence.
All talk show hosts are their own circus ringmasters, but Carson was THE ringmaster. From start to finish, he was in control of the show. Under anybody else, there's always a chance of the trapeze artist slipping or the elephant getting blinded by flash photography. Not with Carson. The chaotic elements of show business obeyed his will. If Don Rickles started upstaging him, or Siskel and Ebert got into a tiff during an interview, it wasn't because Carson had lost control. It was because he decided it would happen.
So you're stepping into the ring with Johnny Carson. Here's a couple of tips. Give him all you've got, but not all at once. You dance with him, he's going to make you look good. Don't resort to cheap tricks, because he doesn't have the patience for it. Political or social issues? Don't bother. He's spent his life avoiding those jabs. And more than anything else, accept that you aren't going to win. The closest thing you have to a decision in this match is how he's going to put you down.
Remember Carson is Mr. Sandman. Not the video game character, but in real life. For thirty years and over four and a half thousand shows, he put America to bed. You're not going to be any different; you just decide if you want to be carried off the stage in a stretcher or invited over to the couch where he can tuck you in gently. Johnny Carson was the master, not because he had the sharpest wit or the fastest tongue, but because he trained himself to be ready for anything and everything. There will never be another Johnny Carson.
May the angels bring him the joy he brought to us.
Wednesday, May 3, 2017
The Carousel: Paradise Restructured
I finished up April's Camp Nanowrimo last week and I wanted to post a little bit from my 20,000 word goal. My book is a neverending work in progress, but progress is being made (albeit at the pace of escargot).
The powerboat may not have looked like much, but the waves certainly bowed to its force. The ocean was in an unpleasant mood and the eight passenger speedboat pierced through their seven foot protests as if they were nothing more than nuisances.
The anonymous driver, if he even had a name, did only what the parameters of his job dictated. He drove.
The only other two occupants were Margot, the ‘hospitality’ manager, and Elton, the outside resource that Margot was less than pleased to have to be dealing with.
Elton took in the sights of the waves like an older child might, feeling the exhilaration of their marvel but refusing to let on too much as to their effect on him. He smiled at Margot. She didn’t return it.
“My first time on the island,” he said.
Margot didn’t even give him a courtesy nod. The Church of Progression had always upheld the highest level of autonomy, and the fact that Max Finchley had brought in this outsider was confusing. It wasn’t her place to question him, only to withhold the feeling of insult she experienced in Elon’s presence.
“So, Margot-”
“Miss Lambert,” she corrected him.
“Margot,” Elton repeated with much less joviality. “Didn’t Max tell you that I’m not part of your little cult?”
“Mr. Finchley informs me of everything.”
“Sure he does.” Elton’s smile returned. “I’m quite certain he’s brought me on board because everything is running so smoothly.” He let his comment sift for a bit, daring Margot to challenge it. He continued when she didn’t. “Tell me about the pet.”
“It’s unimportant.”
“Really? I’m under the impression that your research and development is based entirely around her biology.”
“Mr. Graves, is advancement in your line of work built around impressions?”
“I’m sorry. When I say I’m under the impression, I mean I know what I’m talking about.” He leaned forward. “Do you know what you’re talking about, Margot?”
She glared at him but didn’t say anything.
“An energy rift appears off the coast of Eleison. Records date it as far back as 1938 when the island was called Yutakana. In 1978, a research vessel found a fungus growing on Eleison, which at that point was called ‘some island’. The notes claim that the fungus didn’t behave the way fungus was expected to behave, although any information going into details has been lost or destroyed. You know what I find funny about that?”
Margot stared out the nearest window. “No.”
“It’s the fact that fungus is expected to ‘behave’ a particular way. I mean, if I were to ask you to do an impression of fungus-”
A massive wave struck the side of the powerboat. Margot barely felt or noticed it.
“Exactly.” Elton grinned. Margot shot him a glance. “So in 1984 the rift was rediscovered- are you going to be writing any of this down?”
“What is your point Mr. Graves?”
“It’s been my experience that things blow up when children start playing with science they don’t understand.”
Margot huffed the word ‘science’ like it was an obscenity.
“Not much of a believer in myths such as evidence I see.”
“Mr. Graves,” Margot gave him a trained pageant smile which was undermined by the bitterness in her eyes. “I say this with all of God’s love. You can go to Hell.”
Elton looked up at the island that was only a few minutes away. “Well, we are about to dock.”
It was another hour’s drive to the Governor’s house from the beach. Elton and Margot rode in the back seat of a transport vehicle, each shifting periodically to alleviate the boredom.
“Incoming call Miss,” came the voice of the chauffeur through the intercom.
“Go ahead,” instructed Margot.
There was a crackle, followed by a female voice. “There’s been another suicide.”
Margot rolled her eyes. “That’s the third one this week. What’s the damage?”
“Bent fender and a punctured tire.”
“Sweepers?”
“No miss. The car drove off the road.”
“Send an assessment unit to see what’s salvageable. What exactly happened?”
“The driver was a Mr. Frank T. Hutchinson from Missouri. Former online stockbroker. He swerved to miss a Green Ramrod and wrecked.”
Margot sighed. “Witnesses?”
“Just locals.”
“Okay, chalk it to poor driving and get rid of the corpse.”
“Well, there’s a problem. He threw himself in front of the monorail.”
“Great. Where is the body?”
“Um, the bulk of it still appears to be on the nose.”
“Son of- All right, divert it to Terminal E and hose him off. Family?”
“Just a nineteen year old daughter.”
“Find out what Mr. Hutchinson was worth before his blaze of glory and feed that into her account and send her Mr. Finchley’s condolences. Then figure out who the driver of the Ramrod was and take it out of their assets.”
“Should I have the car taken away?”
“No, let me know who it is first.”
“Taken care of.” And the voice crackled out.
Margot rubbed her eyes. “Everyone is such a primadonna.”
Elton gave her a side smile that she didn’t notice.
The car pulled in front of the Governor’s house. Margot picked up the black metal briefcase from under her seat and exited the vehicle, followed by Elton. The Governor’s house sat on a steep hill surrounded by trees. The first level had been built directly into the rock and was now serving as a basement. The remaining two stories were made of wood, giving it the appearance of a cabin with a balcony to look down on the city below; also named Eleison.
Margot reminded Elton not to speak until he was spoken to. He made her no promises. She brushed his smugness off and led the way through the front door.
The inside was an open area with a grand piano right in front of them. To their left stretched a long staircase that curved up to the balcony and a few rooms above. The front area connected to a large kitchen at the far end opposite the front door with a few doors dotting the walls on both sides.
In terms of cleanliness, the place was nearly spotless; no trace of dust anywhere. It made the small collection of broken bottles and glasses on the kitchen floor all the more conspicuous. A huge fire roared at the front of the room with what looked like the charred remains of carved wood instead of logs smoking.
For a few seconds the house gave off the impression of being empty. Margot flinched when the sound of something striking something else cracked the silence. She waited. It came again. Not wanting to let her discomfort show in front of Elton, she drew in a breath and started for the steps down into the basement.
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