Pat Benatar: Rated X

Well, that's certainly a misleading title. But since nobody really finds my blog anyway (hell, I haven't even posted in over a year) I figure I'm not going to start a controversy.

Pat Benatar's good name has been making the rounds a couple of times this year. First it was failed personality Ted Cruz doing his depressingly very best to roast the libs with the one Benatar fact he sort of knew. Now it's in conjunction with the comments from the Rolling Stone co-founder...whose name eludes me at the moment; let's just call him Samuel J. Snodgrass for simplicity. Snodgrass's statement in question was economically sexist and racist, enough to oust him from the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame Foundation; a club whose target audience have oft cited the curious omission of Rock Icon Pat Benatar.

It's never simple to pinpoint what elevates a particular performer into iconic status. MTV may have had a role in that we all know her video "You Better Run" was the second music video ever played on the channel. Considering it followed the prophetic "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles, which was visually stylized and filtered, Benatar had the first clearly visible face of MTV, staring directly at the audience with an attitude that said 'this is your decade'.

It was also significant, even though we didn't realize it, that Benatar was an outsider to rock. She had been classically trained as a coloratura (which is a fancy word for singer) and earned her stripes performing Judy Garland songs at various nightclubs. The shift came on Halloween of 1977 when she entered a contest as a character from Cat-Women of the Moon; the spandex would carry into her rocker persona.

Perhaps it was the case that coming into rock music post-night club career allowed and/or required Benatar to dissect the form in a way most rockers had never thought to do. She had to retrain her voice in order to sound less like Julie Andrews, adopting the rasps, growls, and screams rock depends on. Indeed you could look at Benatar's output and recognize that rock has a certain ugliness to it, not in an off-putting way but leaning into its imperfections. If it doesn't retain its rawness it becomes something else. And Benatar seemed to figure out exactly how much to process the ore before letting the compositions stand as 'done'.

Which brings me back to this post's title. In honor of the treasure that Pat Benatar is, as well as Snodgrass's journey to the guillotine, I've taken ten songs (X) from her catalog and arranged them as a primer for anyone who may not be as familiar with her work as they'd like to be. These aren't in an ascending or descending order of favoritism, but instead presented in album form, in much the same way her debut album In the Heat of the Night weaves through its ten unrelated songs and somehow feels like singular a journey.

1. Heartbreaker

"Your love is like a tidal wave"

You KNOW this song. It was the first track on In the Heat of the Night in 1979 and through the gate establishes Benatar's identity as a singer. But you might be surprised to learn that it was a cover of the version Jenny Darren had released the previous year (written for her). Darren's is equally hard rock, but there are some interesting differences. The instruments on Benatar's record do this high paced call and response to each other that requires careful timing. It also has a theatrical flare in that you can envision the song being animated by Fantasia's artists; the tidal wave metaphor of the first line accurately describes the way the music gets progressively rougher then backs off before its final violent eruption. And then of course there's Benatar in the middle of it with her voice that sounds like youth that's been forced to grow up too fast. It becomes a character staple that Benatar occasionally holds a high note in coloratura vibrato amidst the thrashing around her, like a dolphin leaping out of the ocean. For an even better illustration of this technique, visit "We Belong" which I alas didn't include here.

2. Sex as a Weapon

"How much affection can you destroy?"

Perhaps the spiritual successor to "Love is a Battlefield". Between 1979 and 1985 Pat Benatar released an album every year, which seems to be the arc for most creators; you get a wave where you pour out content and then you subside (by the way, it's been over a year since I last blogged). As consumers we tend to think in terms of 5-6 year brackets and then we start looking for the next console. Suffice to say, MTV was changing and Benatar was in her senior year of the old guard when this video hit which essentially served as her swansong on the channel. And it was risqué. It was 1985, a lot of music was about sex but we didn't really admit to it by saying the word out loud. But like most Benatar songs, this wasn't about one thing, or one emotion (and more about manipulation than sex). The lyrics indicate a relationship that has good and bad in it, and she's demanding her partner abandon a certain pettiness. If I had to nail down a theme for Pat Benatar it's that she's always siding with love and empathy.

3. My Clone Sleeps Alone

"She won't go insane. Not ever."

We're back to 1979 with one of the three songs on the album that isn't a cover, which curiously I happened to put all three on this list. I'm not really clear what it's about on the surface; one article suggests it's literally a future dystopic world involving androids (although Dennis DeYoung may have written that one). The subtext is equally ambiguous but more interesting, in that the way Benatar sings about the idea of clones provokes mixed emotions in her. Does she envy the hardships that a clone doesn't have to experience? Is she horrified by the idea? Is she her clone? Is this all about the Stepford Wife public face she has to wear on a daily basis? We don't know. And it may not matter that we don't, because what we CAN definitely draw from the song is something in her that gets progressively more anxious trying to tear its way to the surface. My sense is it's a repressed humanity. Maybe the next song will give us answers.

4. We Live for Love

"I never planned to win the race"

Same album and this song 'technically' follows the previous one in a way that it's always felt to me that they belong together. On album you have to flip the disc over between the two, and interestingly on CD the "We Live for Love" track tacks on about five seconds of silence before it starts playing, as if the engineer felt it was important. We've already established love as Benatar's defining motivator, but this seems to be about a kind of love not based on attraction or the butterflies but choices that overcome things like monotony. When you're used to living in pain or isolation or the ever-present negativity that the world produces, love can start to feel like an illusion when it may not actually be. In movies, love is that thing people find, to great fanfare. In reality, we don't get the benefit of fanfare so we have the added challenge of recognizing it. When you pair this song with its predecessor it seems to provide a hopeful resolution. Pretty mature stuff for a debut album.

5. Strawberry Wine

"How nice to go through life oblivious and free"

1997's Innamorata is a VERY hard album to track down but it's worth the effort. It's still a rock album but there's much more spotlight on the acoustic guitar. These are songs of adulthood in that pushing forty area where time no longer seems endless. "Strawberry Wine" is one of the all-time great breakup songs, although at first it may not seem like it. Most breakup songs lean into the immediate emotions of anger, betrayal, helplessness, and grief. These clearly have value or there wouldn't be so many of them. But what makes "Strawberry Wine" unique is it exemplifies the long term feeling of being changed permanently by a failed relationship. Sometimes wounds heal, but scars remain, and some memories still hurt even after you've moved on. There's a certain power to an understated line like "Loving you has been an experience" when it's holding back a bitterness that will never have resolution.

6. So Sincere

"But I'm gonna smother if somebody don't move. Move."

Once more to the first album. There are several songs on In the Heat of the Night that Benatar sings in her 'pretty' voice, whether by choice or from still getting used to abrasive tinges, and this is one of the most effective. It starts with an almost bratty level of sarcasm as she's dealing with a lover who's insecurely possessive; it's impossible not to hear the mocking tone as she repeats "plead and plead" (or 'bleed', the lyric sites don't always agree). But as with most relationships in her songs it's not purely a good or bad one, but elements of both. After the bridge her voice relaxes and the mockery dissipates, leaving a kind of honesty that her 'character' may not have expected. Actual sincerity creeps in, albeit a tough one. We never find out the result of the conversation, but it's wonderful to see that the song ends up in a different place than it begins.

7. Invincible

"We've got the right to be angry."

You ever hear a song for the first time and just know it's perfect the way it is? The first time I heard "Invincible" beyond a chorus clip was around 2003. At first I thought it was some kind of a remix because I didn't remember anything from the 80s sounding quite so timeless, but no, it was always that good. The song is a war cry from the underdogs who've been backed up against a wall. There are plenty of war cry songs, but I can't think of any that quite capture such a sense of desperation. Sadly The Legend of Billie Jean (for which "Invincible" served as the theme song) never seemed to find a cult identity like The Warriors did, and the song was fifteen years too early for Chicken Run. But mark my words, it's inevitably going to get a resurgence in a movie that does it justice.

8. Suffer the Little Children/Hell is for Children (live)

"Tell grandma you fell off the swing."

You know the immortal four notes of Beethoven's Fifth Symphony? That's called a motif. It's easily recognizable, and in those rare circumstances may be able to produce an emotion with no other context. I would argue that the opening guitar line in "Hell is for Children" is one of the most powerfully horrifying motifs in music. It announces that something's up. Something bad. And not fun-bad like an Alice Cooper album but genuinely bad. "Hell is for Children" gave a voice to the experience of child abuse that so many have endured, and I imagine hearing Benatar perform it live is a healing catharsis for the bulk of her audiences. And pairing it with an introductory verse of the lesser known "Suffer the Little Children, it creates a chilling effect. Listen to the audience reaction on this (appropriately) 13th track of her Best Shots cd. They're already cheering for her during the intro, whether or not they recognize "Suffer the Little Children". But then the motif of "Hell is for Children" starts. And the auditorium screams in what can only be described as anguish finally released.

9. All Fired Up

"The deepest cuts are healed by faith."

As dark as the last song went, now it's time to heal. Sometimes you're just not in a place where the light can reach, but it's always there. Benatar's songs of experience aren't promising that everything will be okay in the end, but all things have a cycle. Pain evolves. It's okay to feel good about small victories. And once in a while the zone comes to you, and reminds you that the struggle is worthwhile. Life will sucker punch you, but you can roll with it. So says the goddess herself.

10. River of Love

"You don't have to be afraid"

"All Fired Up" is a nice note to end on and release everyone back into the world, but I've got a tenth song and I'll let it serve as a sort of self-contained encore. I had the pleasure of seeing Pat Benatar perform live right around the time that Innamorata was coming out or released (I can't really remember). Sadly I was only able to stay for an hour because of how much smoke there was, but aside from my lungs and eyes it was an hour in Elysium. "River of Love was the song that sold me on the album. I suppose you could take it at face value and enjoy the unbridled rock n' roll passion of a song that sounds like the rebirth of a water phoenix. Or you could do what I do and imagine it as a villain song of a siren luring you to your death. In either case, the song feels like something out of myth and sums up everything you need to understand about a rocker like Benatar. While she may run with the shadows of the night, she's not one of them. Like all divine voices, Pat Benatar is the light; beckoning you, perhaps even daring you, to follow her through thick and thin, defeat and triumph, despair and conviction. She's the angel of wisdom who knows the battlefield of love isn't something won or lost; merely made into an experience.

Fire away.

About Me Questionnaire Reanimated

Over the years I've amassed quite a collection of those 'tell-us-about-yourself-so-we-can-hack-your-passwords' questionnaires, because they just beckon me (see the most recent one here). I came upon this one a few months ago and stuck it in my saved folder, and then came upon it again while going through my saved folder to find something else (that's a GREAT story).

Anyway, my writer's block may be a permanent addition to my already unreliable cranium, but I thought I'd give this jump-start a shot. I usually try to answer in mostly snarky responses but a lot of these questions seem a bit more interesting to me, so I think I'll aim for a balance.

1. If someone wanted to really understand you, what would they read, watch, and listen to?

Me. There. That was easy. Okay, less wise-assed...reading my blog wouldn't be a bad idea, although I admittedly get to control the narrative. And I'm sure my therapist takes notes, so you can try breaking into her office. Probably the most accurate picture of me is what I write in the Dysthymia support group. I don't really have those Aha! moments where I'm reading someone else's words and thinking "This person gets me" but then again I have a really sour relationship with reading. Watch classic cartoons. Listen to the Pandora's Box album.

2. Have you ever found a writer who thinks just like you? If so, who? 

No. The writers I've found have all figured out how to be successful.

3. List your fandoms and one character from each that you identify with.

I'm not going to do that, there's way too many of them. I'll repeat the Facebook challenge from a few years ago where they asked you to sum yourself up in three characters. I chose Gonzo the Great, Dr. Bob Hartley, and Linus van Pelt.

4. Do you like your name? Is there another name you think would fit you better?

I'd say I've gotten used to my name. I've never really given it much thought as to how I feel about it. I can't think of anything I'd rather be called instead. Fun fact, I refuse to wear my nametag at work because I hate hearing it from the mouths of strangers.

5. Do you think of yourself as a human being or a human doing? Do you identify yourself by the things you do?

Being feels like wasting (a human wasting?). For example, I'd rather be doing this questionnaire than just sitting here existing (and those are literally my two options). I'm a creature of story, and story has to have a plot.

6. Are you religious/spiritual?

Very much both, although my relationship with religion has been tenuous. I find God in many places, but it's very rare that a church is one of them.

7. Do you care about your ethnicity?

Do I what? Up until about 2016 I would have said no. But then a bunch of people who look like me sold their souls to maintain their power and it's no longer possible to not feel something about it. Resent is a type of care isn't it? In terms of heritage my Irish quarter is about the only one I have an affinity for.

8. What musical artists have you most felt connected to over your lifetime?

I have quite a few. My all time hero is Weird Al. Just a step down from him are Ann and Nancy Wilson with their fiery passion, and the equally passionate but more of a water element Roxette. Another step is Alice Cooper, Pat Benatar, The Offspring, and the perpetually audacious Jim Steinman. There are a lot more artists that I love and respect, but those are the ones I feel would cover my life's soundtrack.

9. Are you an artist?

By nature, yes. I'm a comedy writer, which isn't the first outlet people tend to think of as an artist's medium; but I can think of many examples where comedy crosses into art, and that's a spot on the Venn Diagram I'm always aiming for. Whether or not I get there is probably not up to me.

10. Do you have a creed?

No, should I get one? I had to look it up to see what exactly that meant, and apparently it goes back to the religious question. Basically I believe regardless of what faith we do or don't subscribe to, we all go to the same place when we die. I call the essence of this place God because I was raised in a Christian environment, but I don't think any particular religion has it right; we'll know when we get there. My personal relationship with God is through comedy, where pain can transform into connection.

11. Describe your ideal day.

I wake up uncharacteristically early and just feel good. The temperature is going to be between 50 and 70 degrees all day. I make a run out to McDonalds to surprise my wife with an Egg McMuffin. The morning is laid back, and I spend a couple of hours writing because I've had a creative spark. We grab a light lunch and then meet some friends at the state fair; ride most of the rides, pet some large quadrupeds. Then we grab a pizza and head over to someone's place to watch a movie, and get into a deeply existential debate about whether or not reality is an illusion. At that point there's an indoor thunderstorm and a pod controlled by our future selves arrives and takes us on a most excellent adventure to save all of humanity and form the ultimate band. Then maybe ice cream.

12. Dog person or cat person?

I was raised around dogs, and those floppy ears are just so cute, but I've also developed an affection for cats. I really want a pet fox, kind of both species combined.

13. Inside or outdoors?

I am not a fan of sunshine or insects.

14. Are you a musician?

In a very loose definition of the word. I don't seem to have the coordination to learn an instrument; I've tried cello, piano, and guitar. But I'm a singer and I'm fascinated by music theory, and I actually have written a handful of songs. I'd need a hell of a lot of help translating them to recorded form, but I'm comfortable adding songwriter to my list of hyphens.

15. Five most influential books over your lifetime.

As I mentioned before I'm not a heavy reader. The authors I've gotten the most out of are Lewis Carroll and Edgar Allan Poe, so let's go with Through the Looking Glass and EAP's Complete Works. The writing style I aim for is a combination of Richard Matheson and Gemma Halliday, so for them I'll pick The Legend of Hell House and Alibi in High Heels. And for the fifth, maybe one of the books on the history of Monty Python.

16. If you'd grown up in a different environment, do you think you'd have turned out the same?

I'm sure I'd have about the same mental health issues, but perhaps different stories of guilt for my therapist(s).

17. Would you say your tumblr is a fair representation of the "real you"?

I mean...I CAN, if it means that much to you. It's not true though. In fact I don't have a tumblr account. And off the top of my head I don't think I've ever been to one.

18. What's your patronus?

I had no idea what the hell you were talking about. A quick Google search later, it's the animal I call upon for protection. I'd want something large to block out the assault, but gentle enough to de-escalate the conflict. The Snuffleupagus.

19. Which Harry Potter house would you be in? Or are you a muggle?

Even back when Rowling's fans were lining up around the block for a chance to lick her I never gave a damn about the series. I'd be trying to get into Xavier's School.

20. Would you rather be in Middle Earth, Narnia, Hogwarts, or somewhere else?

Middle Earth and Hogwarts both have giant spiders, so that's a big f**k no to both. Narnia will at least dump me back into my life where I left it, so that's got an appeal. I think I'd get on better as an ambassador to the Moors in Maleficent.

21. Do you love easily?

Others, yes. Unfortunately I also get drained easily, so you're going to have to buy me dinner first.

22. List the top five things you spend the most time doing, in order.

Working, sleeping, monkeying around on the internet, driving, daydreaming. A couple of those aren't of my own volition, and I guess it explains why my writing output has been in such a drought.

23. How often would you want to see your family every year?

So we're specifically referring to the type of family that we don't already see year round. Ideally I'd get back to my childhood home twice a year, and not have to drive it.

24. Have you ever felt like you had a "mind-meld" with someone?

Nothing quite that defined. I've been on the same wavelength as others, but I don't think I've ever fully gotten in someone else's head. Or let anyone else in.

25. Could you live as a hermit?

Not for very long. If I'm stuck in a world of small talk I'd rather be by myself, but I have a need for a creative or philosophical conversation or I'll lose my damn mind.

26. How would you describe your gender/sexuality?

I'm Gen X, so for the longest time I wouldn't have given this any more thought than heterosexual male. I will say I wouldn't be surprised if a full genetic test identified more of a female brain in me based on where a lot of my interests are, who I tend to relate more to, and which Soulcalibur character I play (Ivy is the best). My sexuality is more accurately heteroromantic/demisexual ace. And for reasons I can't explain it's still kind of a sore subject.

27. Do you feel like your outside appearance is a fair representation of the "real you"?

Again I'm assuming this is more related to the previous question than whether or not the Scooby-Doo t-shirt I throw on every day is indicative of who I am (it is). I guess, more or less? I'm not exactly sure what the "real me" is referring to. Perhaps in a fantasy setting I'd see myself as kind of a Puckish type, if that helps. It doesn't? Oh, okay.

28. On a scale from 1 to 10, how hard is it for someone to get under your skin?

In the shallow end of the pool, very easy. It's much harder to get me to admit to it, but I find a lot of little things nerve grating. But underwater (I'm talking metaphorically by the way) I can tolerate just about anything.

29. Three songs that you connect with right now.

"Stars" by Roxette is my favorite song of all time; I've never heard loss conveyed so hopeful and remorseful simultaneously. "Dog & Butterfly" by Heart is about the purity of simple joy; I want it played at my funeral. And perhaps one day I won't connect with "Ravine" by Ace of Base, but I'm still not there.

30. Pick one of your favorite quotes.

“What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God.” -- Eleanor Powell

Cowbania's World Games League

In case you haven't surmised already, this blog is approaching its twilight. I'm not sure how any more posts I'll be adding to it as I'm looking for a new social media outlet with (hopefully) an actual audience. But The World Games are coming to Birmingham this summer and are close enough to where I live to be both a traffic obstruction and a reminder that The World Games are in fact a different entity than the Olympics. As I'm told. Suffice to say after the 2016 Summer Games and the 2018 Winter Games I was hoping for one final visit to the undefined land of Cowbania.

What is Cowbania? I imagine it's a place where fictional characters agreed to claim for themselves as a nationality for whenever they needed an excuse to enter a world competition. It's grassy, hilly, and has a flag drawn by Gary Larson.

So pretty much anything goes in selecting the nation's competitors, but I'm going to enforce a rule that nobody can compete in The World Games who's already been in either of the Olympics; which disqualifies the following:

Apollo Creed, Ashitaka (Princess Mononoke), Barbara Gordon, Bugs Bunny, Carmelita Fox, Charlie Brown (yes, seriously), Condorman, Diddy Wishingwell (The Weebles), Dirk the Daring, The Doctor, The Expendables, Frank Martin (The Transporter), Genaa (Below the Root), Harpo Marx, Indiana Jones, Ivy Valentine, Jason Voorhees, Kronk, Lara Croft, Lilith Aensland, Linus and Lucy Van Pelt, Luke Skywalker, Marcie, Mary Poppins, Meggy Swann, Michael Myers, Morrigan Aensland, The Murray, The Prince of Persia, Princess Daisy, Princess Peach, Princess Zelda, Rocky Balboa, Sarge (Toy Story), Scrat, Sly Cooper, Sydney Lotterby, Sydney Lotterby, Sydney Lotterby & Sydney Lotterby, Tiny Kong, Tom (Tom & Jerry), Wadsworth, and Zorro.

I'm going to be ignoring the the invitational sports like Flag Football and Wushu, as well as the handful of events that appear in the Olympics as well (Archery, Rhythmic Gymnastics, Trampoline Gymnastics). I'm also inclined to combine a few events into one. I know Ju-jitsu, Karate, and Kickboxing are fundamentally different things, but at the core it's two people trying to hit each other and that's as much research as I'm willing to do on the subject.

In fact let's get that one out of the way.

The Combo Menu: Combined challenges owing to my own laziness

1. One on One Kombat: (the aforementioned and Muay Tai)

For my last go-round it's a bit boring to select someone obvious like Bruce Wayne who allegedly knows all martial arts. Likewise I don't really want to get any boring old Street Fighter; I need a wild card. For this series of fighting styles I'm recruiting Nathan Drake. Nate's not the most skilled fighter; he can hold his own against street criminals but he's not exactly tournament ready. However he's got two attributes that give him an edge in four different events: he can take a hell of a beating, and he's got an otherworldly luck meter. Nate's luck runs out when he's under a constant barrage but tournaments have a lot of start and stop, allowing him a replenishment. The others don't have that, and I highly doubt any of them are as funny.

2. Wheels on Heels: (Track Speed, Road Speed, and Artistic Roller Skating)

So for this I need someone fast with stamina and a natural sense of grandstanding; the ability to skate is secondary. I need Spike Spiegel. He's obviously got the balance and the adaptability to different terrains, and as much as he smokes I've rarely seen him out of breath. Can he skate? It doesn't matter. Once he finds his footing he can dance his way through any combat situation. Here he only has to appease his own ego.

3. Tumbling Cycle: (Acrobatic, Aerobic, and Parkour Gymnastics)

It's not hard to find someone in Cowbania who can excel at any one of these, but all three together and we need strength, dexterity, charisma, and perhaps a little insanity. Harley Quinn seems obvious, but truthfully she's more likely to bust on every event than actually complete them. I need someone who's going to land on her feet. Get me Bloodrayne. As a dhampir she may be the first successful gymnast to perform entire in six inch heels. We know she can do flips, cartwheels, and pole swinging. She skates on cables and she can land like a cat after falling several stories. Now just take away the armies trying to kill her and let her work it all into a series of routines and you've got a winner. Preferably when it's cloudy.

4. Know Your Roll (Bowling & Boules Sports)

Okay, I don't know what Boules Sports are; I've looked it up and I still can't explain it. Apparently you roll a metal ball and try to get it close to a target, or some shit (I'm guessing it's the downgraded version of Curling). In any case, throwing a ball at a target sounds an awful lot like Bowling, so I'm using the same athlete for both. I think I may have found someone good at rolling things. His nickname is Buddy and he's kind of a cross between Chewbacca and a sasquatch. He's the sidekick of the 1991 Nintendo-hard video game Another World, and while he isn't personally shown rolling grenades all over the place his species demonstrates a knack for it. And if things get hostile, Buddy's got a great set of 16 bit punch sound effects. Wa-tu ba!

5. You Do the Hockey Saki (Floorball and Inline Hockey)

The differences here are skates or no skates and a puck vs a wiffle ball. But when you get past those very noticeable variations it's a team of five (including a goalie) batting something around with bent sticks, and I don't know that I'll be able to find two separate teams of five with that skillset. The best I can come up with (without bingeing a bunch of 2000's Cartoon Network) is Team Mulan, joined by Yao, Ling, Chien-Po, and Shang (who taught them how to destroy vases with sticks). The inline skates may prove to be a challenge but mastering them in a few weeks isn't out of the question.

6. Bouncing off the walls (Racquetball and Squash)

Okay here's the deal. I obviously want contestants who stand a chance at winning their events, but one) I don't want them to be impossible to beat (hence no Superman on Powerlifting) and two) I want Cowbania's participation to be as entertaining as it can be. And that's why I've chosen Mr. Linea as my racqueteer. If that name doesn't ring a bell, he was the central character in a series of Italian cartoons involving a single white line against a (usually) blue background. The animator's hand would trace the line around the outline of Mr. Linea and turn him loose to face whatever the obstacle of the day was. Mr. Linea was exceptionally versatile, instantly mastering whatever activity he encountered for the first time. His demise was often his own doing, but I expect with a clear opponent his focus will be much better.

Teamwork Makes Us Scream Jerk: Team sports for teams, by teams, a direct result of teams

1. Beach Handball

You know how the rest of the world calls soccer football, and the rationale is actually pretty unshakable (you're using your feet)? Well take the same game but throw the cantaloupe-sized ball around with your hands and you've got handball. Or better yet, play basketball in the sand with the hoops four times the size on the ground. A team of four that can throw and catch. Simple. The Flying Karamazov Brothers.  Since I need four exactly, we'll go with the originals: Dmitri, Ivan, Alyosha, and Fyodor.

2. Canoe Polo

So now let's take soccer and put it on a lake and give everybody a double-bladed Nerf lightsaber. The important thing is each team has five players and they need to be able to paddle. Well that gives me a hell of a lot to work with. So a group of five characters with really good arm coordination and don't do much from the waist down. The Electric Mayhem. Now this can go two ways. In-universe, Dr. Teeth, Floyd Pepper, Janice, Zoot, and Animal (and Lips if we need a sub) are all very accomplished musicians, and while being able to play the saxophone doesn't directly translate to rowing skills Muppets are known for versatility. From a fourth wall perspective, Muppeteers can give Oscar-worthy performances with using their hands and I imagine any one of them would mop the floor with the other contestants in an arm wrestling competition.

3. Fistball

I'm learning a lot today. First, take volleyball but keep your fists clenched. And that's it. Real quick, I've just invented a new sport; it's called Bochery! You plant an arrow in the ground and use the drawstring to launch your bow into the air; last archer to lose interest is the winner. So a team of five fistballers. I need a group that can coordinate with each other with strength and accuracy. This took some out of the box thinking but I've settled on Team Johnny Five from Short Circuit. Out of the group of military robots only Number Five is alive, but he reprogrammed One, Two, and Three in mere minutes, and Four can be given instructions of defense. It's a solid team; no disassemble.

4. Flying Disc

Did you know the word Frisbee is trademarked? Anyway. The Flying Disc competition is composed of *checks internet for 23 minutes* seven players. So I need to find a team of seven that's good at throwing things at each other; that should be really fun for me. I think I've got the answer, Team Koopaling. I'm going to have to make a few assumptions about the overall skills of Bowser's children/high ranking minions (depending on the guide book). Larry, Morton, Wendy, Iggy, Roy, Lemmy, and Ludwig tend to split between lobbing projectiles and just pounding through blocks, but I expect they all have at least the ability to catch a saucer. And if this proves to be a massive continuity issue we've got Pom Pom and presumably others to tap in. And each can clearly take two major hits before going down.

5. Korfball

Okay without looking, what do you think Korfball is? Got an image? Good. It's not as cool as that. It's basketball with no touching, and pretty much no moving. A team consists of four men and four women and the additional rule limitations look like they were designed by Milton Bradley. I'm going to take a calculated risk and bring in the core cast of Ranma 1/2; boys and girls respectively: Ranma, Ryoga, Mousse, Kuno, Akana, Ukyou, Shampoo, and Kodachi. Yes, I know they don't get along and there's bound to be internal scheming that I can't do anything about. But they're all martial artists, and begrudgingly obedient to the technicality of the rules. I just expect the court will be demolished by the end of the tournament.

6. Women's Lacrosse

As the World Games only features Men's Lacrosse in the invitational sports I'll only be supplying the team for the Women's version. This is the sport with that weird catcher's glove stick you've seen pictures of but never experienced in gym. Women's Lacrosse differs from Men's Lacrosse in that the only player contact allowed is with the stick, and the team includes a whopping twelve athletes (where in the hell am I going to get this crowd from?). Anime is probably going to be my best bet again, and literally the only team I can think of is the Sailor Senshi; Moon, eight planets (including Pluto, science jerks!), and the Starlights, who qualify post transformation. Damn it, I was saving the senshi for the softball team. *See below. Like right now.

7.  Softball

We all know what softball is, it's baseball with fewer amusing injuries. And I don't see anything jumping out at me on the Wikipedia article that says the team has to be all the same gender, so I'm going to stop looking. So I need a team of nine, a ragtag bunch of misfits with differing skills but capable of overcoming stacked odds. And something I give a damn about, so not Firefly. I'm going to go with the full cast of Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda. In their prime (before Tyr left and Sorbo rediscovered the Bible) this show was great. And they could be just as great on the softball field. Use the first season lineup, throw in Rhade and Doyle to round out the team (I guess, I stopped watching when everybody else did), and go nuts.

8. Tug of War

Look, I'm not trying to be that guy but this really made it into the World Games as its own event? Not like one part of the Summer Camp Triathlon with Blind Man's Bluff and Tetherball? Well, okay. So a team of eight that can drag something heavy. Man, I want to say Santa's reindeer but I feel I need to draw the line at quadrupeds. Well...maybe I'll take one. A donkey named Eeyore. And the rest of the song: Kanga, Roo, Rabbit, Piglet, Owl, cram in Tigger somewhere, and Winnie the Pooh. I know they aren't exactly Fraggle Rock's rescue squad but it's kind of their collective M.O. to all band together in the end to accomplish a large but simple task. And it's a nice life's lesson; when we all pitch in we can make any other country's team go home in defeat.

The Dual of the Fates: Three for two

1. Dancesport

Ballroom dancing is now recognized as a sport, and I have to say I find this exciting. Dance has often been ignored by Olympic-styled competitions, and I really hope to see pole-dancing on the gymnastics roster in the near future. Now I could pick just about any acrobatic couple for this event, and I've actively tried to steer away from superheroes as much as possible (since they're such obvious choices). But here I'm going with Bruce Wayne and Selina Kyle, preferably while they still have some antagonism between them. Bruce is stripped away from the Batman guise, but he's still got his athletics and strength, and Selina was made for this, and they're also not afraid to put each other in danger. Their dance would be one hell of a show.

2. Canoe marathon

Two person kayaking for at least six miles. That's it. That's the event. The strategy here is to put the dumb one in the back and give him a carrot to chase. The one in the front is that carrot, who keeps the boat pointed towards the goal. And thusly we have the canoeing team of Red and Wolfie from the censored 1943 classic Red Hot Riding Hood; a cartoon that's managed to become both not a big damn deal to modern audiences and somehow even worse. I'm not making a judgment on the cartoon here, I'm just taking advantage of it for my own benefit. What's more Hollywood than that?

3. Water Skiing

A quick glance at the rundown on this event shows both men's skiing and women's skiing events, and for that I'm calling this a couple's event, as whichever one isn't skiing will invariably be driving the boat. I only have a passing familiarity with Kim Possible but from what I've seen I feel justified in handing this one to her and Ron. Apparently they get in high stakes situations across the globe (and off it), I think waterskiing is something they can handle.

One is the Looniest Number: An extreme case of individualism

1. Air sports

Air sports is a catch-all term for bungee jumping, paragliding, wingsuit flying, anything that involves going from a high place to the ground without dying. I don't know what specifically The World Games has in store for this event, and I don't really feel like looking it up, so I'm just going to pick an athlete who can fall and not die; Chell from the Portal series. Even without the portal gun, she's a master of walking away from a fall. Anything else in the event is just thinking on her feet -or...well...in this case not.

2. Billiards sports

Can we really justify calling this a sport? Yeah, I get that it requires hand-eye coordination, but so does air hockey (and your incisors are taking a much bigger risk). I was hoping for someone a bit more obscure than Link but I think I'm going to settle for him. One, he uses a variety of weapons for a variety of reasons, and precision stick poking is in his arsenal. Two, in billiards (and whatever the hell else qualifies as any of its other sports) you're not in melee combat, which gives him ample use of that red dot his hookshot uses to aim. Three, it's too delightful imagining him screaming "Tey-yah!" as he calls his shots.

3. Finswimming

Like I say, it feels like too much of a cheat to put Ariel in this so let me find somebody land based with a whole lot of leg power. Or I should say a particular kind of leg power; someone good at hopping, since finswimming requires your legs be strapped together. Someone like Q-Bert, but not him since we also need arms. This one was hard, but I'm going to go really old school. Ludwig Schlemmer; bringing the total of competing Ludwigs up to two. Who the hell is that, you ask? Why, none other than Bobby Van's character in the 1953 MGM musical Small Town Girl. Ludwig did the famous 'Jumping Song' less but more accurately known as "Take Me to Broadway", the number where Ludwig jumps across town to the beat of the music. See Peter Wolf's "Come as You Are" music video for a fairly accurate recreation.

4. Lifesaving

This is a variation on swimming but with a focus on some obstacle course elements and an ability to carry a victim. Does that sound like anybody in Cowbania? Why, yes it does! Old DK himself. The bulk of Donkey Kong's gameplay is obstacle course runs, many of which are underwater; and the ape can hold his breath indefinitely. He's also notorious for carrying things; barrels, other Kongs, etc, and if he's anything like his gramps he knows how to ape-handle a human.

5. Orienteering

Orienteering is apparently a race against time where you're dumped off in a random place and have to get your bearings and haul ass across uneven terrain; you know, day one of every University semester. This was an easy one. Aloy, from the Horizon series. Being able to plot a course on a mental map is kind of her whole gameplay, and she can travel through any climate at constant speeds.

6. Powerlifting

It's no fun to call in a legitimate weight lifter. Naturally we need someone who can accomplish the task, but we also need a bit of drama to break up the...let's say predictability of it. My underdog is going to be Donald Duck. Obviously he's going to be way outside his league and he's going to fail several times and get severely hurt, but we all know that the tantrum is going to come. The angrier he gets, the more his adrenaline goes up, and when that gasket finally blows he's got the strength of the Hulk. For a few seconds anyway. For Powerlifting, it's all you need.

7. Sport climbing

I like seeing this one on the list. Rock/wall climbing has always struck me as potentially fun from my lack-of-upper-body-strength distance. I've got a whole mob of characters who can climb but I'm going to go with an unexpected choice. Wile E. Coyote. It's part of his identity to lose, but this only seems to apply when it comes to catching prey. In reality he's a hell of a climber, apparently with a determination to lug all manner of objects heavier than him to higher venues. And if he falls? We know what the scrawny guy can take.

8. Sumo

Last one. I have literally nothing to say about Sumo apart from the mundanely self-evident. You've got to be big, strong, and able to push people around. Bowser. Because he's big, strong, and he pushes people around. And he has the ability to get bigger, stronger, and pushier as the situation calls for it. So, yeah. Anticlimactic ending. How sad.

The Closing Ceremony

And thus we come to a bittersweet farewell. Medals are given, careers are over, and ultimately everyone is a loser since we're playing outside in Alabama in July about a year away from irreversible climate change. Ordinarily the city hosting the event gets to decide who performs at the closing ceremony, but Cowbania doesn't spectate. Well start off with Ulala and Pudding recreating their guitar duel, leading to a brief appearance from Michigan J. Frog's "Michigan Rag". Willy Seltzer the singer of the Outlaw Golf/Tennis intros refocuses the crowd, followed by an appearance from Trip Cyclone (see Shivers 2) with "Was I Even There". GiGi from There is No Game: Wrong Dimension performs her melancholic ballad, and the Chipettes and Chipmunks do a live performance of "The Girls of Rock 'n' Roll". Then The Hex Girls perform a few of their big hits interspersed with "Parade Float" for Daffy Duck to appear inn the audience with his monster truck, and ending on Splashdown's "You Can Always Be Number One" (joined on stage by Goofy). Ulala returns as a bookend to lead the acapella climax of her first game as the conclusion. And finally GLaDOS descends to tell everyone to cram off with "Want You Gone".

Bringing our final roster of Cowbania World Games talent to 105 (83 athletes, *22 musical performers):

Aloy
Team Andromeda (9)
Bloodrayne
Bowser
Bruce Wayne/Selina Kyle (2)
Buddy
Chell

The Chipettes/Chipmunks* (6)

Daffy Duck*
Donald Duck
Donkey Kong
The Electric Mayhem (5)
The Flying Karamazov Brothers (5)

GiGi*

GLaDOS*

Goofy*

The Hex Girls*
Team Hundred Acre Woods (8)
Team Johnny Five (5)
Kim Possible/Ron Stoppable (2)
The Koopalings (7)
Link
Ludwig Schlemmer

Michigan J. Frog*
Mr. Linea
Team Mulan (5)
Nathan Drake

Pudding*
Team Ranma (8)
Red/Wolfie (2)
The Sailor Senshi (12)
Spike Spiegel

Trip Cyclone* (5)

Ulala*
Wile E. Coyote

Willy Seltzer*

Fraggle Rock Retrospective (Part Two): And the Rock Goes On and On

If you missed part one, click here before the guilt overtakes your whole life.

The early reviews of Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock are in and it sounds like the critics are embracing the show. I'm particularly impressed with the way the reviewers are able to separate their childhood nostalgia from viewing the new show on its own merits; I myself have not had the chance to try it on and I expect I'll be going through a bit of a transitional period, but I have to say I'm enthusiastic.

If the show proves to be successful I think we can all expect a wave of negativity from the voices who can't, or won't, separate that nostalgia (I observe this all the time on the Scooby-Doo threads). I GET the emotional attachment, the original show was a kind of lightning in a bottle on par with Batman: The Animated Series. But let's also be fair, not all the original episodes were home runs. For every boat ride about white birds and death there was some jazz about the Gorgs' soufflé that just feels like hole filler.

So as a contribution to the cause I've selected thirty of the ninety-six episodes as my personal Fraggle pond for you to dip your toes into. "THIRTY?" you say, "That's a lot! That's three times the usual top ten list!" I KNOW that boulder-brain, I'm being nice. What I've done is taken each of the main Fraggles and the selected the five best episodes that showcase them, demonstrate character growth, or are just kind of awesome in some way; you can pick your favorite. And I've also included a selection of episodes that don't really settle on which Fraggle is the protagonist but are too good to ignore.

So grab your postcards and hold onto your radish bars because it's about to get a little bit silly in here.

Gobo's Decisive Top Five:

I've often wondered if statistically Gobo is the Fraggle least likely to be a kid's favorite. As the 'leader' his personality has fewer of the fun quirks the supporting cast gets and he tends to start out with an advantage as the voice of reason. But serving as the audience's surrogate, you're pretty much guaranteed to find Gobo at the center of any story that advances the overall mythology of the Rock. His weaknesses are usually his strengths not kept in check; confidence becomes arrogance, determination becomes stubbornness. And a lot of times his mistakes are the ones that have the most impact on others.

5. The Honk of Honks (season 5, episode 12)

I hate to direct you to the penultimate episode of the series right through the gate but this is one of the rare times a story can feel epic with almost nothing at stake. Gobo is tasked by Cantus to sound the titular Honk of Honks so the Fraggles can sing the Song of Songs; it's kind of a thing. Gobo has an often tenuous relationship with authority figures; in fact the Trash Heap is the only one who maintains his respect from the start of the series to the end. And while Cantus can give Gobo a loving dressing down, the answer always feels well-earned in the end.

4. The Day the Music Died (season 2, episode 18)

While a few miscommunications nearly bring on the end of the Fraggles' civilization, it's clear nobody is actually at fault. Sometimes shit happens because you don't have all the information you need; in this case, how much the Fraggles' survival depends on music. Gobo's fighting spirit is the savior here as he refuses to give up, even as the darkness is killing him (excuse me, putting him to sleep forever, much better). His last ditch effort isn't even intended as a long shot, it's just him deciding how he's going to go out. Perhaps dumb luck, or maybe he just knows even when he doesn't know he knows.

3. Gobo's Discovery (season 1, episode 21)

I wouldn't say self-doubt is a heavy topic, but it's definitely a complicated one, and pretty abstract for a debut seasons that's given us easily-resolvable conflicts about finding Boober's hat and going back to eating Doozer constructions. It's sad to see Gobo having an existential crisis, but it's even worse when you realize Fraggle Rock is the least qualified place to handle one. Fraggles know who and what they are, even a misfit like Boober has a grip on his identity. Nobody is going to be able to help him through it. In fact the only other character who goes through something similar in the series is Cotterpin Doozer, and we're a few seasons away from that support group.

2. Uncle Matt Comes Home (season 2, episode 5)

Throughout season one Gobo clearly had a trajectory of aging, going from about a ten year version of himself to a fifteen. With his Uncle Matt (literally the only parental figure for any of the Fraggles) exiting his life in this younger mindset, Gobo retains the idea of who his uncle is through the whole season. But with Matt's temporary return, both uncle and nephew realize that neither one is quite who they're expecting. Gobo has grown, and Matt isn't used to a teenager. Inevitably there's a blow up, even if neither one is clear on why.

1. The Bells of Fraggle Rock (season 3, episode 1)

This is the best Gobo (and Cantus) episode, and one of the most innovative 'Christmas' stories. At the core of it is an original solstice myth that every non-Gobo Fraggle accepts as face value; even Wembley doesn't budge on his belief in it. But Gobo can't accept a story without proof, and sets out to find the Great Bell at the worst possible time. Now with a short run time of 25 minutes the episode simply can't cover everything it wants to, but the believer/non-believer debate and the notion of spiritual betrayal are alluded to, hopefully enough to inspire real-world discussions. And there's nothing more chilling (get it?) than the moment Cantus finally drops the mystical shtick and challenges Gobo with logic.

Mokey's Five Inner Voices:

There's an episode I haven't selected for this list where Cantus and the minstrels offer Mokey a spot in their band. And as much as she wants to go with them and collect songs, her friends in the Great Hall mean too much to her. That spot, with one foot in a team mom role and one foot in the unknown, sums up Mokey. She's slightly older, wiser, and more intuitive than the others, and under most circumstances her life would be fairly drama-free. But she has friends with strong personalities. Like any empath, she tends to absorb the emotions around her, and when those eyelids roll back you know something's about to erupt.

5. Mokey's Funeral (season 1, episode 22)

One of the ongoing conflicts regarding Mokey is the fact that, like so many nurturers, she's treated as if she's incompetent when it comes to handling challenges of the physical world. She's a maternal figure to be protected, not allowed to get her hands dirty; all the more curious as she's the one who spends the most time around the Gorgs. It hurts when her ideas are pre-dismissed as impractical, and it's devastating when her poetry (read: soul) is mocked as irrelevant. For all their song bursts, Fraggles have a mean side, but it's a gentle heart like Mokey who's most likely to learn and use an unFraggle phrase like "F**k you" if she gets pushed far enough.

4. The Incredible Shrinking Mokey (season 3, episode 20)

Fraggles are innocently insensitive, which is harmful enough but usually resolvable without too many tears. So it takes an outside character (one shot Begoony) to tackle the family-friendly concept of an abusive relationship. Many times in the series an abstract idea is presented as concretely as possible; in this case Begoony's constant demands of Mokey literally begin shrinking her until she's just his plaything. Her way out is obviously much smoother than in real life incidents of abuse, but the point her is to start showing kids the warning signs. Suffice to say, if you start seeing yourself reflected in Begoony it's on you to get off that path.

3. The Preachification of Convincing John (season 1, episode 6)

Convincing John makes three appearances through the show's run and all three of them have made my list. It's not that I have a particular affection for the character, but from a story point of view he's very good at escalation. Funny thing, even in his debut appearance he doesn't have his own opinion, he's just doing what Mokey's asked him to do. The real conflict comes from Mokey's belief that eating Doozer towers is wrong, and she forces her belief on everyone else in a manner that raises some real questions about political power in the Rock. Fortunately Mokey also the type who's willing to admit when she's wrong.

2. The Secret Society of Poobahs (season 3, episode 10)

Family entertainment produces a whole lot of content that's classified as humorous, but very little of it is actually funny. This episode is really funny. The short version, Mokey's getting punked. Not maliciously so, the substantial network of pranksters isn't trying to make her look stupid; it's more like they're making themselves look stupid for the sole purpose of getting a laugh out of her. But Mokey's stuck so deeply in her own head that she can't see the humor. Hell, even at the end she only kind of gets it on her own, but she gets there nonetheless. Of special note, this episode is Convincing John's third and final appearance, and it's fun  to see who he is without his 'Convincing' adjective at work. So...John Fraggle I guess.

1. The New Trash Heap in Town (season 1, episode 24)

Kudos to Fraggle Rock writing team for their selection of difficult topics, but sometimes I can't really tell if the end result works or not. The season one finale is a fairly light presentation of a highly nuanced issue, and I keep wembling between whether they should have gone darker or if the horror is best left in the subtext for the adults to discover. At any rate, this gets worse the more you think about it. The Fraggles are having the same collective nightmares and the Trash Heap's wisdom is temporarily cut off. So scared community needing relief. They turn to Mokey, but not just to hear her insights but to actually think for them. In other words the happy go-lucky Fraggle create and fall victim to their own cult. And it's a telling peek into Mokey's psyche how unappreciated, and possibly unloved she ordinarily feels that the sudden adulation takes hold of her immediately. All I can say is thank God she's willing to listen to reason over her own praise.

Wembley's Five Best Or Maybe Not:

From a writing perspective, Wembley is the go-to character whenever a situation needs someone to randomly walk in and ask for clarification on what's going on; i.e. the Doctor Who companion. As the proverbial 'child' character, Wembley's overarching arc most closely resembles what Fraggle Rock's creative team wants the audience to take from the show. Phase one: identifying the innocence in life and doing one's best to preserve it. Phase two: recognizing that sometimes innocence can't be protected and learning to adapt. Phase three: developing a wisdom to notice when the world would be better for actively creating a change.

5. We Love You, Wembley (season 1, episode 13)

It's telling how the Wembley-centric episodes seem to contain the highest concentration of one shot characters. Lou Fraggle, who nobody manages to bump into before or after this one encounter (raising some questions about the Rock's population) is his first. It's a real pity she doesn't stick around because her street-smart 'I-don't-have-time-for-this-shit' attitude is rather intriguing for a Fraggle to have. And maybe there's a variant world out there where Lou Fraggle is the star of her own series. But as is, she effectively plants a seed in Wembley's sycophancy (it will grow later) to ask the question "If I don't want this, why am I agreeing to it?".

4. Wembley and the Mean Genie (season 3, episode 9)

You've never heard the saying 'a heart of gold attracts moths' before because I just made it up, but it certainly applies here. Wembley was destined to meet a real bully at some point and I can't help but wonder how it might have played out if Wembley didn't have discovered power over the genie. But the important thing is that Wembley does manage to hold on to the aforementioned innocence (in this case seeing the best in people) all the way through, and the fact that he never presses his advantage probably makes him better than me.

3. The Secret of Convincing John (season 2, episode 14)

I'd love to watch this episode in a graduate school class for therapists. Wembley's defining trait of indecisiveness is played as a mental health issue with potential consequences; he almost gets Gobo killed because he can't decide where to tie off a security rope. Enter Convincing John with his bag of mind-control tricks to reprogram Wembley's brain. It goes poorly. Not only is it uncomfortable seeing Wembley decisive to the point of arrogance, but we get a peek at a deep rooted self-loathing that we never knew was there. And when you factor in that Convincing John has the same affliction, one wonders what kind of master manipulator Wembley could actually turn into.

2. The Gorg Who Would Be King (season 5, episode 11)

Junior Gorg's character development over five seasons reaches its conclusion when a mishap shrinks him to Fraggle size and he sees the world through their eyes. Wembley is the one who takes him under his wing, and in the process defuses a near-mobbing of Fraggles who seem ready to dole out some karmic punishment. That's how far Wembley's come by now, he knows what's right and he's willing to stand alone for it if he has to. "We're all connected" has been the theme of the show, but Wembley being the one to teach it to a Gorg is a resolution I don't think any of us were expecting.

1. Gone But Not Forgotten  (season 5, episode 7)

Oh man. Arguably the best episode of the whole series, this is dealing with Mr. Hooper's death if we actually watched it on screen. Wembley makes a friend with a very short lifespan. And watches him die. That's pretty much the plot, of course the thing that makes it work is how much time they devote to processing the emotions that follow. Sometimes you just have to hurt it out and Wembley accepts that he's been changed forever by the experience. Death just is. And it sucks that that's all the resolution we get, but anything more than that is a lie. Just because.

Bonus- Five Shared protagonist Episodes:

The Challenge (season 1, episode 14)

It's advertised as a Red episode but it's just as much a journey for Gobo. While the hierarchy doesn't exactly resolve and there will be several points where we revisit this power struggle, Red makes her demand for respect pretty clear. It's subtle, but there's a turning point moment where Gobo asks her for permission to borrow one of her earlier ideas. As in life, you're not always aware of what you're learning.

Marooned (season 1, episode 17)

I think it was a misstep for later seasons to neglect the bond Red and Boober developed throughout season one. They don't realize it but they're actually very similar in a lot of ways; headstrong, highly opinionated, really brave in their respective elements and really afraid outside of them. Dave Goelz and Karen Prell's performances in this episode might be the unbeatable Oscar clip in all of Muppet history; they allegedly had half the crew in tears during the filming.

Fraggle Wars (season 2, episode 17)

Perhaps more of a Tri-Force episode featuring the Red/Mokey coin and one shot character Beige. The Bert Fraggles (see my previous post) are proudly unfun, and possibly the group Boober actually belongs with. The Ernies nearly come to violence with them over (to Red's understandable horror) not liking the same jokes. Sometimes conflict is inevitable, but it's crucial to remember what you're fighting for instead of just honing in on who you're against. When Red and Beige both realize that they want what's best for Mokey a peaceful solution presents itself.

Scared Silly (season 3, episode 13)

Okay let me get this out of the way; Boober is my favorite character, but he's really being a dick here. As cathartic as it is finally seeing him on the dominant side of scaring people, his treatment of Wembley in this episode is unforgivable. What was going to be the endgame? Give Wembley a nervous breakdown? Dude, not cool. Funny as hell, yes, but you were over the line and you knew it.

Wonder Mountain  (season 4, episode 11)

The Fraggles do Looney Tunes. Street smart Red feels she needs to protect book smart Mokey from the street, and while her intentions are good they're inadvertently insulting. As such, Red winds up in whatever trouble she's trying to overprotect Mokey from and has to be bailed out. It's a natural conflict of interests, Mokey wants to have an adventure and Red wants to keep her safe. I can't really tell if a lesson is learned or not, but it's a great journey. Um, one question, didn't they technically leave the avalanche monster to die?

Boober's Five Greatest Worries:

So as much of a Fraggle Rock connoisseur as I am, you might think when I first heard about the series I was planted right in front of the HBO logo on day one. Well boy are you dumb. In 1983 I was ten (and eleven respectively) and starting to age out of children's entertainment, which is what the show looked like. I'd catch an episode here and there whenever we'd misplace the remote, but for a while I wasn't connecting with it. But then something about that grouchy misfit character with no visible eyes caught my attention. As an unwilling pre-teen with no resources for depression, the spark of representation suddenly crackled. Dave Goelz, the one (and currently only) mastermind behind Gonzo was about to throw me a life preserver in my sea of adolescence. Dude, PLEASE write an autobiography before we lose you.

5. Boober's Quiet Day (season 2, episode 23)

I wasn't a huge fan of the whole Sidebottom subplot, but it did give us this great screwball comedy episode about one little lie that snowballs into a whole charlatan performance. Sidebottom is Boober's fun side which he actively suppresses. If that doesn't make any damn sense, congratulations, you probably don't live with depression. But like anything ambiguous that you try to keep control of, it gets away from you in an instant. Boober wants a quiet day, but his fun side can't accept the boring act of asking for one, so he tells a lie. And then another. And again. And spoilers, he doesn't get his quiet day.

4. Boober and the Glob (season 3, episode 3)

I imagine Boober was a hard character to come up with stories for as his ultimate goal was to be left alone. But here again is a setup where too much fun was about to push him out of his comfort zone, in  this case Joke Day. He tries to escape but trips over Cotterpin Doozer (a character you'd expect him to get along with) and then witnesses the arrival of a Glob that eats Doozers. The other Fraggles don't see it as something to worry about, but Boober worries about everything. And when he watches Cotterpin get swallowed, a seed of heroism begins to sprout in him.

3. I Don't Care (season 1, episode 15)

The promo to this episode was what got me hooked on the show. Boober is afraid of everything in Fraggle Rock, and between the Glob and the Terrible Tunnel it's hard not to see his point. But he finds a placebo to give him courage in the form of a lucky blanket that only seems to attract misery to him. As he gets angrier his friends only bounce between confused and insensitive towards his feelings. It's worth noting that the conflict gets violent before it gets resolved, which was the one line even the Fraggle Wars episode didn't cross.

2. Boober Rock (season 2, episode 2)

Well he finally does it. Boober pulls up stakes and moves away from the noise where he thinks he'll be happier. The experienced introvert can recognize why Boober moving away isn't ultimately going to work out for him; he needs other Fraggles. He may not be able to stand them on the surface, but Boober has always done the cooking and the laundry because he honestly wants to. But that's not an interesting story so let's go with Plan B; it's dangerous to go alone. The same killer plants that almost do Red and Lanford in in season three make their debut here, this time with an amnesia spray. Boober Rock isn't quite the horror tale that The Terrible Tunnel is, but you've got to give it credit; this is the only episode that smothers it's own song.

1. The Doomsday Soup (season 2, episode 19)

We don't tend to think of Boober as a fighter but when he has to throw down he can even make Gobo's jaw drop. Boober knows he's the black sheep, and a lot of his stories are about him trying to change something (himself or his situation) to alleviate that discomfort. In The Doomsday Soup, he starts with a reluctant acceptance that he's always going to be the odd one. A series of chemistry malfunctions creates a soup capable of turning Fraggles invisible, which the others treat as a blessing while Boober worries about the potential consequences. But for once he gets rewarded for staying true to his unpopular opinions when he witnesses the soup cause a rock quake. He's not believed, but safety is more important to him than approval; hence when he throws down against Junior Gorg and orders him out of the way. In that moment, Boober proves he's the Fraggle you don't want to screw with.

The Five Rules of Red's Club:

If there's one character who could survive in a solo spinoff from the series it's Red. The Fraggle Rock creative team was incredible, but I can't help feeling like Red kind of created herself in the same way that really dominant personalities like Bugs Bunny revealed themselves to the animators. Red is a very complex character, being both the star athlete and her own cheerleader, and yet without coming across as narcissistic. We're all driven by two conflicting needs, to be included and to be exceptional. Red probably comes the closest to finding the balance between the two. She knows her worth, even if she sometimes misjudges what she can do with it. I think we all need a Red in our life and wish we could be a bit more like her.

5. Red Handed and the Invisible Thief (season 3, episode 2)

Rule one: if you're going to fail, fail spectacularly. Red's self-confidence is more likely to get her in trouble than anything else as she demonstrates when she becomes convinced that her best friend is stealing her radish bars (yuck, by the way). Through a very thorough investigation Red figures out in the most embarrassing way that she's been eating them herself in her sleep. But watching her have to pull her foot out of her mouth and apologize to Mokey is an inspiration. Red's not afraid of being wrong, and that self-confidence extends to her ability to admit it.

4. Inspector Red (season 5, episode 10)

Rule two: 'I can do it' is your mantra, whether you can or not. Another crime takes place in the Rock and Red jumps at the chance to solve it. Alas, patience isn't her strong suit, and every time she gets a lead she misinterprets it as a solution. The mistakes she makes get progressively more humiliating for her, but they never deter her from the follow through. In the end she gets a flash of out-of-the-box thinking to save her own ass and pulls off a victory. Oh one more thing, can we take the Fraggles' "the punishment for false accusation is worse than the punishment for stealing" and apply it to the real world?

3. The Garden Plot (season 1, episode 20)

Rule three: you're stronger than you think you are. I believe Red's animosity towards Uncle Matt has to do with a resentment of how fearless he is. Fearless isn't the same as courageous (the former is closer to oblivious) but when you're focused on results the difference isn't evident. But because of Uncle Matt Gobo regularly goes one room into Outer Space, which automatically grants him a one-up on her. Red's need to prove herself isn't always the healthiest motivator, but MAN when it's time to act she's a force to be reckoned with. Not only does she save Fraggle Rock from an explosion, she takes down Junior Gorg by herself.

2. Playing Till it Hurts (season 3, episode 17)

Rule four: everyone has limits. Red hears her hero Rock Hockey Hannah is visiting from...um...Who-Knows-Where to watch her play (seriously, where do these one shot characters go?). The peek into Red's psyche is a nightmare sequence where we see her teaching herself the terrible advice we teach all of our athletes about pushing through the pain. 'I can do it' is a valuable mentality to get you started, but it's crucial to accept that sometimes you just can't. "I can't" is probably the hardest thing Red has ever had to say, and it's touching to see the moment get a stamp of approval from her hero.

1. Red's Club (season 2, episode 13)

Rule five: always ask yourself why you're doing what you're doing. Relationships are complicated, and even though Red got out of Gobo's shadow multiple times already, his 'voice of the group' still carries too much weight for her. The thing is, if their power dynamic were reversed it would be very effective (although we wouldn't get as many stories out of it). Red is a born leader who benefits from being challenged by a larger picture guy like Gobo; it's understandable why she resents his presumed position of doling out permissions. This whole episode is heartbreaking because we can see she doesn't really know what she wants, and she keeps driving wedges between her and people who care about her trying to figure it out. But it culminates in her most bad-ass moment of the series when she offers her service to Pa Gorg and them gives a 'screw this, I'm out of here' rescue to her friends. You go girl!

The Trash Heap has spoken. Nyeeeeah!

Fraggle Rock Retrospective (Part One): 'Cause We Belong to the Song

Fraggle Rock has nearly slipped into the ether as 'that thing my parents keep mentioning to their friends'. Surely everyone knows the theme song, as it modernized the irresistable hand-clap before Friends got there. But not everyone is familiar with the series that followed it.

The Jim Henson Company is on the brink of an attempt to change that with the release of Fraggle Rock: Back to the Rock in less than a week; and if this weren't the creative bachelorminds behind The Happytime Murders I might actually be openly optimistic, but let me honor Mokey's wishes and focus on the positive. Here's what you need to know:

Debuting in 1983, Fraggle Rock was the family show that was meant to end war. Do I mean that literally? No, unles it does, then yes.

Jim Henson was coming off the success of The Muppet Show and found himself in a position to do practically any project he wanted. His creative inner circle (save Frank Oz, who'd been following his own path towards film directing) was at the height of their synergy. They were tasked with a simple question: what if a television show could end war?

Now this is where the division between the artist and the entrepreneur shows itself. I think everyone who's not a truly awful human being recognizes two things here: 1. A world without war would be a good thing. 2. It isn't possible. The entrepreneur values the tangible and says "It can't be done, let's focus on what can." The artist says "It can't be done, but the conversation is still worth having, and exploring, and if we come out on the other side with a more empathetic understanding of each other then it's worth doing."

It's worth doing.

Things tend to happen in threes. For Jim Henson and the Muppets, that Tri-force was Sesame Street, The Muppet Show, and Fraggle Rock. Sesame Street is a permanent staple of educational television. The Muppets are a franchise (currently under Disney's infallible leadership). But the Fraggles haven't been in the public eye much. They were Gen X's thing, and kind of the Millennials depending on where and when you were. But aside from that, the little furry guys have all but become relics of a more innocent time. Maybe that will change in a week, maybe it won't, but while the zeitgeist sorts that out it's worth taking a few moments (or hours of blog writing) to look back on the things we love and celebrate why.

Today I'm going to do a completely biased top ten list; probably starting a war with other Fraggle Rock enthusiasts who feel differently.

Top Ten Fraggle Songs

Now there's no way in hell I'm going to be able to organize these in terms of best of the best. The music of Fraggle Rock (almost entirely composed by Philip Balsam and Dennis Lee) is as much a character as any of its lead performers, and my soul already hurts for the omission of some genuine favorites (not limited to: Go With the Flow, Sail Away, Muck and Goo, Remembering Song, I Sniff the Rose, There's a Promise, Do You Want it?, Pass it On, and The Rock Goes On). But I have to draw a line somewhere between blogpost and fully comprehensive watch guide; so I'm limiting it to ten.

I don't know what to say about the fact that six(ish) of them are from season one. I don't think the quality of the songs ever waned. It may have had to do with the way the episodes were written early on, perhaps more conscious of how the songs would fit into advancing the narrative. I don't know. But here are my top ten selections in the approximate order you'd encounter them if you went straight through the series.

1. Thimble Beetle Song

First off, I can't stress how important the character of Red is, not just to the series but to our culture. In 1983 geneder norms were blatantly divided. Competitiveness and athletics were purely for the boys; I don't even think the word 'tomboy' had made it into the colloquial vocabulary. Red broke the mold.

Curiously her wonderful performer Karen Prell was a self-proclaimed Mokey in real life, and wasn't pleased with being cast as this character she didn't immediately understand. But episode 7 "I Want to be You" where Red tries to force herself into Mokey's image gave Prell the handle on who Red was by expunging who she wasn't. And nowhere was this more delightfully on display than in the exquisite tongue twister of "Thimble Beetle Song". As a public service, here's the line where Red fails spectacularly.

See the little simple, silly, dimpled, pimpled daughters as they flirt with dirty otters while they flit 'n flatten spatulas and smack-a-whiz and rat-a-tat and flatten maddened hatters on a skitzy kitten stone.

2. The Ballad of Sir Blunderbrain

Oh man. In the first seven episodes it's established that the Fraggles sing and play and work a job thirty minutes a week, and the threats to their existence all come from external worlds. And by now you're thinking you want to pull up stakes and move in with them. And then this shit happens.

"The Terrible Tunnel" (episode 8) is a horror story. Not a Muppets Alice Cooper Halloween celebration, but a very real nightmare of a tunnel in Fraggle Rock that swallows Fraggles, that Uncle Matt seemed to have accidentally avoided, and that still exists wherever it is.

The Ballad of Sir Blunderbrain, as sung by the supporting character only know as the Storyteller, is the tale of a brave-naive Fraggle who meets a truly godawful fate. And from the moment the song's opening guitar chords start, you know this episode isn't dicking around with you anymore. Oh, by the way, it gets even worse when Wembley almost immediately after gets lured to the tunnel himself. Did I mention it's still out there?

3. Doc's Instrumental

I don't know what percentage of Fraggle Rock's creative drive was meticulously planned out versus grown organically, but there's a natural age progression of the POV characters through Jim Henson's big three. Sesame Street is the kids who are built for pretend. The Muppet Show is the range of career adulthood, incorporating grown-ups who went into an artistic field. Fraggle Rock gives us one on screen adult character and he's an elderly man.

Now I can only speak on the American/Canadian version of Doc but it cannot be overstated how brilliant Gerry Parks was in the role. He was and adult with adult issues; he paid bills, he was grumpy, he'd had a fairly normal life and career, and yet he'd held onto traces of the childlike wonder that most adults sacrifice. And as an inventor of relatively useless things he continued doing what made him happy.

His best invention was his version of a calliope which incorporated about two dozen party favors; something Spike Jones or Dr. Seuss would have snatched up on sight. Even if the patent office didn't recognize the thing's potential, Gobo did. And coming from a creature who practically lives off music, you don't get much higher an approval than that.

4. Dixie Wailin'

Episode 14's "The Challenge" starts with the power struggle that we knew had been coming. Gobo's position as 'leader' of this five player band of Fraggles is called into question when a decision of his proves inconsiderate to Red's feelings. Now from start to finish, this whole story arc is a perfect example of how to not patronize your audience. Nothing is spelled out. The script doesn't establish who's right or wrong and it doesn't resolve anything. We don't know if the Fraggles went on their picnic or if Red made her swim meet. They never make it to the Trash Heap to settle the argument. And in the end, no life's lesson is put on display.

But something feels different.

I would argue it's the fact that we've just been through the funeral dirge capable of raising the dead. If for some reason you haven't seen this episode, I'm not going to put that statement into context. I'm just going to say that the aforementioned argument escalates into a performance of the funeral dirge capable of raising the dead, and for one brief season one moment Junior Gorg and the Fraggles are dancing together.

5. Let Me Be Your Song

According to IMDB Jim Henson actually performed in about a third of the series, but we only really notice when that unmistakable Rowlf voice takes center stage. We got the hyper version a dozen episodes earlier with his evangelical salesman Convincing John. But it's the arrival of wandering minstrel Cantus that lets you know something important is about to happen.

Cantus, like Jim and most artists, is driven by something even he doesn't fully understand. This song, with its hypnotic pipe and deceptively simple lyrics, sums up in three minutes what that calling (at its best) feels like. Whether or not Cantus was in fact the embodiment of Jim, the character did seem to represent the way several people on Jim's inner circle viewed him. We all need a Cantus, and when we can't have one, we make one.

6. Ragtime Queen

It's established pretty early on that death is going to play a factor in our journey with the Fraggles. We're on episode 22 "Mokey's Funeral" now. We've already seen several dangers surrounding the Great Hall and been through a very real brush with death ("Marooned" ep. 17) but this episode deals with the concept of sacrifice.

Oddly enough, the audience is let in on the punch line from the beginning; Mokey's not dead and she's not going to be dead. But the characters don't know that, and their reactions to the illusion genuinely hurt. Gobo, who always believes he knows what to do, can't do anything but stare at the dummy. Red (my GOD Karen Prell's acting) goes through all five stages of grief in mere minutes; the moment she demands Mokey still be alive because "She's my best friend!" has made me tear up since I started this blog. Even Junior Gorg expresses a self-loathing at the possibility that he's killed a Fraggle; a peak into his character we hadn't seen before.

But it's Ragtime Queen that really sets the tone of how brutal the feelings in this episode are going to be. First Mokey does indeed fantasize about sacrificing herself to the Gorg's trap for the good of the Fraggles, but then comes up with the idea of sewing together a decoy (made in her image). Cool. Except Mokey is an artist, and she takes the time to sing to her creation about how real she is. How real is she? How much of a soul can a stuffed bit of cloth with a face have (I want to remind you we're watching a Muppet production)? We don't know, we aren't told if dummy Mokey has the feelings her creator claims she does. All we know is there's a slight toe-in-the-pool-of-insanity chance that this episode is exactly as sad as it feels.

7. If It Happened to You

Jumping ahead to episode 41, "Fraggle Wars". The show was designed to end war; it was inevitable that it would actually do it in universe. Red and Mokey stumble across a never before and never again mentioned band of Fraggles who prefer order to chaos; let's call them the Bert Fraggles to the Ernies we've been spending our time with. Mokey, with her Ernie curiosity and trust, reveals herself with no exit plan and gets locked in a cage. Red catches sight of the situation and shags it back to the Great Hall for help.

A lot goes on in this episode, not the least of which is we get to see Red assume the leadership position in Gobo's absence she's always wanted. But the first problem is that even though her fellow Ernies horrified by the thought of Mokey's capture, they still won't focus. So she pulls out the big gun, the song. But like any weapon it goes from motivating to harmful at the turn of a verse when the World's Oldest Fraggle takes Red's honest fear and turns it into hatred. Age doesn't always equal wisdom.

8. Shine On, Shine On Me

The very next episode is called "The Day the Music Died", so you just know it's going to reveal something big. In this case, Gobo has been tasked with writing the Glory Song, which is the anthem of his generation. If you don't know, that's exactly the kind of pressure that makes writing a generational anthem damn near impossible, made all the more difficult by the fact that the Fraggles around him won't shut up with every other song they know.

A misunderstood request leads the whole rock to stop singing at all. Moods start to drop because Fraggles live off this stuff. But then the actual light in the rock begins fading. We discover it has been the product of a fairy-like collective known as Ditsies who literally live off of music. With the light gone, Fraggles can no longer stay awake, making the situation even more serious than we were expecting.

This episode may have been meant as an allegory for depression; although having personally dealt with Dysthymia for about 45 years I can tell you it doesn't quite work as one, but I do see the parallels. The thing I really hone in on is at the end of the episode, Gobo is essentially about to die, and he decides to go out with a song. The song itself, which is implied to be his Glory Song, is not glorious. It's from a place of despair, wishing it could be more powerful than it is. Ironically it IS powerful enough to save the Fraggles and the Ditsies, but on it's own it's simple. It wishes it was more than it is. It's the most un-anthemed anthem of a generation. And as a member of Gen X, this f**king thing might actually have summed us up. 

9. The Friendship Song/The Wind and the Pond and the Moon and Me

I know it's kind of a cheat to cram two of them together, but bite me- (sorry; Gen X, remember?) -but allow me to explain. Season one's "Marooned" is one of the heaviest episodes. A rock slide traps Red and Boober together, and the threat of death is very real for them. Boober (who's my favorite character and I've said jack sprat about him) has spent his whole life worrying about death but is strangely at peace when it's right in front of him. But for Red, this is apparently the first time she's been confronted with it.

The Friendship Song is a good song, but I didn't give it its own spot on this list because it's not actually important to the episode, serving only as a pause in a mostly bummer story arc. But the song serves as an unintended mirror to episode 59 "The Beanbarrow, the Burden, and the Bright Bouquet" (or 4B for my own stability).

4B has a similar setup as "Marooned", Red gets stuck in a situation with a character she can barely stand, in this case Mokey's pet plant Lanford, a Night-Blooming Yellow-Leaved Deathwort. A wrong turn during the Beanbarrow Race leaves the two of them in a dead-end surrounded by highly mobile killer plants. This is the second time Red has faced her impending death and she does so with three seasons of experience. It's less tragic with more humor and stronger rays of hope, especially once it's revealed is about to bloom the very flowers that repel the killer plants. But he can't quite do it, and for some damn reason he needs Red to rock him while singing a lullaby. Don't ask questions.

Red sings the mouthful of a title The Wind and the pond and the Moon and Me. This is where the episode gets dark. The lyrics are the kind of thing you'd sing to a child about a happier place than where they are, perhaps because they've had nightmares. But the implication of the line "I know, I've been there" really sounds like Red is referring to the cave-in where she and Boober almost died. During the song her voice starts to crack as if she's realizing their last hope might not work, and not helping is the fact that the plants trying to kill them are mere inches away (one of the more horrifying images in the whole of the series). This moment carries a similar weight of the scene in Titanic when the mother tucks her children in bed knowing they're all going to drown.

10. All Around the World

Again speaking only to the North American version, this song appeared in instrumental form as the backdrop for the Traveling Matt segments starting in season three. In the UK, the song appeared as a 45 RPM single with lyrics sung by Matt, Gobo, Wembley, Red and a female chorus.

Since it's opening episode Traveling Matt is presented as having a wanderlust, and even when he finally returns to the rock for good he still seems like he has one eye on the next untraveled tunnel. The beauty of All Around the World is the implication that he does in fact get homesick in a way that he never expresses outwardly.

But the song is more than that. The lyrics "It's hard to believe as I look around...a culture like ours is nowhere to be found..." aren't just about a silly Fraggle confused by the world of humans. It's the fact that the creators of Fraggle Rock really poured their souls into intertwined ecology of the place, and the world of harmony that the show spends 96 episodes earning is still a distant dream to the world of reality. It's a sad truth as much as it's a celebration of the Fraggles. Why can't we learn to understand each other the way the Doozers and the colossus Gorgs can? Why can't we all get along and recognize that we laugh at the same jokes and dance to the same music?

I don't know. I just know that in two days the Fraggles are back. Maybe they'll remind us of what magic feels like. Maybe they won't, but they'll inspire a new generation to pick up the old DVD's. In any case, welcome back.

Let the Fraggles play.

2021 Movie Wrap-Up

Another year, another blog post. At this rate I'll hit hit 300 post celebration when I'm 82.

So the cinema did not, as people predicted, die during the ongoing pandemic. And it looks like we even got to see a few at their intended release date. Yay. Well let's dive in, shall we? We shall.

Mortal Kombat

It's funny to me that out of all the movies that could have gotten me back into the theater after the whole world turned toxic, it was this one. I don't care about the franchise in any of its forms, but I found myself strangely invested in the story here. I've always liked James Wan as a director, and he clearly knows what people want to see from an MK film. Not only does he follow through, he infuses the whole ridiculous concept with (dare I say?) dignity. Wan, you've got serious game. I'll be watching your career intently. Just please, for the love of God tell me keeping Amber Heard in the Aquaman sequel was beyond your control.

A Quiet Place Part II

I do enjoy horror films based around a kind of quirk, in this case keep quiet or die. But I find too many of them feel like a Tales From the Crypt episode with padding, and I get bored with padding. Quiet Place One had about 55 minutes of good stuff and 35 of padding. Part Two had kind of the reverse issue. Taken together and generously trimmed would have made for a truly memorable film. One film. As is? Well, whatever.

Cruella

I was going to skip this one, as Disney's live remakes are beginning to feel like this generation's direct to video sequels. But then people wouldn't shut up about it, and I was getting the movie withdrawal itch. Damn, it was good! I've always liked Emma Stone but this role made me realize how much I've underestimated her as an actress. Her Cruella is unapologetically in the grey area between anti-hero and anti-villain, and she refuses to be contained. She is electrifying. But the true star, and I have the guidance and passion of my wife to thank for being able to notice, is (currently) two time Oscar winning costume designer Jenny Beavan. I'm as non-fluent with fashion as I am with sports, but for two hours and fourteen minutes I totally got it.

Black Widow

To get this out of the way, as long as Scarlett Johansson keeps blindly lapdogging Woody Allen I'm not going to pay for movie tickets to see anything with her as the lead. On Disney Plus, it took me several tries to get through it because I just kept losing interest. As its own action movie I'd say it was good enough, perhaps a step above the Fast and Furious series (which is praise, but not much). As an MCU film it was nothing special. This movie needed to happen before Infinity War to mean anything, and it didn't.

Space Jam: A New Legacy

I covered this one in more detail already but the gist is Don Cheadle was the MVP in a movie with freaking Looney Tunes in it, so something fundamentally went wrong. At the time the biggest problem was the movie was an undisguised commercial for HBO Max. Several months have passed, and HBO Max is having much bigger problems. Warner Brothers is their primary contributor and they haven't had a hit this year. But I'm sure they'll learn from their mistakes and put together a really solid DCEU in just a couple of more reboots. Space Jam 2 exists. And for whatever it's worth, the original really wasn't that good either.

Escape Room: Tournament of Champions

I've got good news and bad news, and both of them are that this sequel is more of the same thing. I liked the first one a lot, but I didn't like the ending because it felt like the filmmakers wrote themselves into an uninteresting corner. They get out of it by putting off that uninteresting corner until the end of this movie (again). I like the creative deadly rooms, and the new characters are as likable as the victims of the first movie. But where the franchise is trying to be Saw with less gore, more color, and a bit of hope, it's falling into Paranormal Activity syndrome where we've kind of figured out the rhythm already.

Free Guy

And just when I'd forgotten what not being a bitter, jaded Gen X-er felt like it's Ryan Reynolds to my rescue. Reynolds is a fellow Gen X-er, and he's mastered the schtick of trying really fucking hard to uphold the values Mr. Rogers instilled in him. An NPC in an MMORPG becomes self-aware (the direction we're going IRL BTW) and reminds real people what humanity actually is. Free Guy may not be the most original concept, but it does feel like a flower has bloomed in the wasteland hellscape we've been living in since fascism reared its ugly orange head six miserable years ago. Thank you Ryan, beauty CAN come out of ashes.

He's All That

It's listed on Wikipedia as a 2021 film so I'm going to talk about it. A gender-swapped remake of 1913's Pygmalion, or 1999's She's All That (for anyone under 108) it's as respectable a remake as it deserves to be. You've seen this move before even if you haven't; and if you haven't, go watch Not Another Teen Movie right this second! So not much to talk about except for wondering why cast Addison Rae? I get that Netflix is dabbling in the idea of social media stars transitioning into SAG roles, and I'm not opposed to it (Adam Conover is doing quite well) but nothing about Rae's performance reads as someone who nailed the audition. Anyway...

Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings

Or SCATLOTTR for short. I really enjoyed this movie when I saw it. But that was a few months ago. Curiously, I haven't thought about it since. I mean, I'll give Marvel credit for actively pursuing diversity, if a bit slower than needed, but I really didn't connect with this one. I liked things about it; the romance-less male/female friendship, the complex villain, the...um...other stuff that happened. But I'm probably going to leave this one out of my week-long MCU marathon in 2028.

The Eyes of Tammy Faye

This was another movie I didn't think I would get into and wound up being blown away by it. Knock-it-out-of-the-park performances from Jessica Chastain, Andrew Garfield, and Vincent D'Onofrio elevate what would probably have been an average television movie into a really engaging journey through the mind(s) of the superficially devout. Televangelism has always been a racket, but the film carefully lays its groundwork of how religion produces people who truly think they're doing the right thing. The movie doesn't judge the Bakker's, it just presents them. In the end the lesson is that passion will always get you going somewhere, and Tammy Faye had plenty of that. But without the wisdom to know where and why you're going, you're destined to end up in the wrong place.

No Time to Die

There was actually plenty of time to die. In fact, in the extended sequence of the heroes discussing going to the villain's base, why they're going to his base, followed by the scene of them GOING to the base, approximately fifteen hundred people in the world died. Here's the thing about the Daniel Craig era of James Bond films: NONE of them have kept me engaged through the third act. Craig is a great actor and I love what he's done with the character, but the films have forgotten that James Bond is fun. Timothy Dalton's Bond was as gritty as Craig's, but his (sadly mere) two films never left out that hint of silliness that made it all work. Not only does No Time to Die take itself too seriously, it has the Craig era's third act pace- For. The. Whole. Movie. The only time the film comes alive is the one scene that Ana de Armas is in. If the Broccoli estate has any interest in gender-swapping their franchise, spin off with her. This one sadly wasn't worth the wait.

Eternals

Ten years ago (wow.) my wife and I saw Drive, and The Smurfs in very close proximity to each other. Drive was a technically flawless film that left us feeling nothing. The Smurfs was ridiculous, but we came out of the theater talking about it, laughing, and generally feeling good about having shelled out the twenty bucks in tickets. I bring this up because I feel Eternals was a less-good movie than SCATLOTTR, but it left a much stronger impression on me. It raised questions about immortality, responsibility, immediate good versus grand scope good, and so on, and it wasn't afraid to not have the answers. Sadly it had some great ideas that didn't go anywhere, like the sentient deviant's point of view; but it HAD ideas. For me, a flawed movie that makes you feel something is better than a flawless one that leaves you indifferent. Oh, and for the record, Angelina Jolie made me tear up three times.

Ghostbusters: Afterlife

It's nearly impossible to evaluate this movie on its own merits but I'm going to try. It was good, heartwarming, and imbalanced. The good: Mckenna Grace is a hell of an actress, the nostalgia works, and without getting heavy-handed the film celebrates neurodiversity. The heartwarming: there's a sense of closure to Egon Spengler's arc, as well as the wedge between Harold Ramis and Bill Murray that kept Ghostbusters 3 from ever happening. The imbalanced: Paul Rudd's talent is underused, Carrie Coon's talent is SORELY underused, J. K. Simmons is (for the first time in his career) needless, and the pacing is exactly what you get with Jason Reitman directing. If this franchise continues (and it will) it needs a balance between this movie and the 2016 reboot; substance and energy. There.

West Side Story

In his prime, Steven Spielberg had this magic touch of making you feel like he was sitting next to you in the theater. It's been such a damn while, but I finally felt that again. Just look at the way the musical is framed from its opening shot to every lavish dance number. Perhaps people felt that this was your grandparent's musical, and it kind of is but it's also kind of not. The tribalism and racism committed to the stage in 1957 has sadly not gone anywhere, and one could argue West Side Story has an even more timeless quality than that Shakespeare play about the dead couple (sorry: spoilers). Unfortunately the poignant qualities of the film, and the electric performances of so many of its new cast members (and cinema royalty Rita Moreno) get overshadowed by the lead actor's sexual assault allegation with a then-seventeen year old girl. On the one hand, it's encouraging that we're past the point where an audience will let a studio do damage control by sweeping such a story under the rug (which is what they tried to do), but on the other we're not past the point where studios try. Lessons are slow to learn.

Spider-Man: No Way Home

As of this writing, No Way Home is still number one at the box office, and deservedly so. It's not often a single film can provide closure to THREE different cinematic story arcs and still fit in as a prequel to a different character's sequel. I hesitate to say this about a film producer (as Hollywood produces some real monsters) but Kevin Feige just might be a genius. How this damn MCU juggernaut is still holding together at all after 27 films is a (no pun intended, no, seriously) marvel in and of itself. Most of what I could say about No Way Home has already been covered by everyone everywhere, but I want to point out three things. One, I didn't realize just how good we had it in the early 2000s with Willem Dafoe and Alfred Molina's performances, but watching them together for the first time was jaw dropping. Two, the line (you know the one) has gone so far into the field of cliché I didn't think it was possible to deliver it as anything but a joke. DAMN Marisa Tomei, I'm still feeling it. And three, the big one. The whole of Marvel's Phase Four has been about healing; coincidentally timed considering the state of the world. But as anyone who's been on multiple medications can tell you, healing is an ugly process. It's not the life's lesson at the end of a Full House episode; it's a blow-up, a freak-out, and a humiliatingly bloody ugly public cry. A character like Spider-Man is notorious for hurting, for having a life that sucks, and for snatching a loss from every victory. When the film unites the three Peter Parkers, it could easily have gone for a couple of exchanged one-liners and segued into the climax. It doesn't. For once, slowing the pace in the third act works, letting all the Parkers just talk to each other. A shared pain, some encouragement, and a lot of mutual understanding. Spider-Man and his rogue's gallery has always been about tragedy, but maybe just this once it's also about recovery.

2022, it's your turn.