Cowbania's Fantasy Winter Olympic League

The Winter Olympics kind of snuck up on me. I somehow had it in my head that they were going to be in December of 2018, hence I'm getting to the party late.

But I certainly wanted to revisit Cowbania, my fictional country that entered the Summer Olympics in 2016. Cowbania is kind of like Wakanda but with cows instead of panthers. Their primary superhero is Milkman, who always delivers exactly what you need before you're even awake. I was so proud of my team, they came home with quite an array of coasters and matchboxes from pubs all across town.

So I got together with the sponsors at Lon Lon Ranch and put together a whole new team of competitors that I think will put on an impressive show at the events, assuming they let us start late. I've looked through the events at the Winter Olympics, and I think every single one of them is a variation on sliding across ice. So unlike the Summer Olympics, I see no reason to restrict the entry of quadrupeds for events that primarily involve gravity. So let's hit the ice.

Alpine Skiing

Basically this is an umbrella term for 'skiing'. You go up a mountain, you come down it. Sometimes as a straight shot. Sometimes through flags. Cowbania has a limited budget, so I'm going to have to select one competitor who can keep upright through just about anything.

My competitor: Diddy Wishingwell. He (or she, I don't really care) is the first image that comes up on Wikipedia when you search for Weeble; so I've got as name, I've got a skillset, and as an added bonus Diddy is probably a cow. The uncultured swines out there might be asking what a Weeble is. It's an egg-shaped plastic toy from Hasbro with a weight at the bottom, creating a physical impossibility of falling over. In fact, that was the toy's first draft catchphrase: Weebles create the physical impossibility of falling over. It was a work in progress, but who better to slide to the finish line on their facsimile of feet than a creature invented for nothing but?

Biathlon

The combination of cross-country skiing and shooting, probably designed as such because there aren't closer places to set up a target range. If EPYX's Winter Games game on the Commodore 64 is any indication, this sport is about endurance and control of aiming when one is out of breath.

My competitor: Princess Zelda. Not Link as you might have imagined. Sure, he's fluent in just about every long ranged weapon, but his skills are limited to that of the player. Whenever Zelda shoots, she hits. When you also consider her Sheik disguise, she's running all over the world with no horse, and arriving wherever Link is going well before he does (enough to set up her dramatic entrances and exits). She's also attuned with wisdom, something in which I expect biathlons might require a stronger score. Preserving one's stamina is at least as much mental as it is physical.

Bobsleigh

Team of four. You push the vehicle, jump in, and synchronize the way you all lean to maximize speed. The skill of the pilot is apparently the biggest factor in victory or slapstick. So I need a team of four with a designated leader. TMNT are turtles, and I don't think their shells are particularly aerodynamic. Mystery Inc. would work, but they'd never leave out Scooby-Doo. And the hobbits wouldn't weigh enough to maintain the needed momentum.

My competitor(s): The Four Sydney Lotterbies. Man, I had to do some digging. Prior to Monty Python, John Cleese and Graham Chapman co-wrote a sketch comedy show called At Last the 1948 Show, with Marty Feldman and Tim Brooke-Taylor. This particular sketch involves all four main performers playing characters named Sydney Lotterby. When they meet for the first time, they discover they coincidentally all have the same names, voices, outfits, and wife apparently. This is the ideal bobsleigh team. They can function as a Borg collective but still have enough physical differences to be arranged in an ideal order for sleigh speed. Also, these four comedians were at the height of their physical prowess when the sketch was recorded. I think we've got a winner.

Cross-Country Skiing

Biathlon without the gun. That's it really.

My competitor: Scrat. You know, the squirrel-rat from the Ice Age movies that obsesses over the acorn? He's small, but he moves fast. He knows snow. And he never loses his endurance for more than a comedic beat.

Curling

I don't think I'm capable of making a snide comment about curling that hasn't been done a hundred times already. Curling is nicknamed "Chess on ice" which somehow doesn't send advertisers into fits of elation. It's like a kind of bowling where you're trying to get the ball to stop inches before it knocks down the pins. I'm sure it's hard, and I'm sure it's very satisfying when it's done properly. But I can't help but wonder if Curling teams are looked down on by the athletes who participate in life-or-death scenarios. Maybe not winning a medal in Curling is somehow better for you in the long run.

My competitor(s): Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, and probably Marcie on strategy. When the Peanuts characters pull it together, they usually get really close to their goals, and this is a sport where really close is the ideal. They also know how to skate, which is important. But the main thing is, even if you take home the gold, you did it in Curling. I can't imagine it's ever going to feel like a pure unbridled victory, and that's exactly when you need Charlie Brown on your team.

Figure Skating

Something about Figure Skating is just awesome. It just works in a way that not even Rhythmic Gymnastics can match. And we have three sub-categories that each have slightly different personalities.

Men's Figure Skating

My competitor: Tom (the cat, not the Myspace guy). Tom is arguably more accident prone than Wile E. Coyote, but he has an actual antagonist working against him. When he's left to his own devices, Tom is not only versatile and quick of study (he learned to play piano after a six note lesson) but he's a risk taker and can adapt when things go south. He could put on a fantastic performance as long as Jerry doesn't choose that moment to be an asshole.

Women's Figure Skating

My competitor: Tiny Kong. Based on the dance-like nature of the sport, figure skating requires a certain build, and for whatever reason Nintendo decided to give it to an ape; of course I'm talking about he post-DK 64 appearances where she was taller than her sister. Tiny isn't quite on Dixie Kong's level with the pony-tail twirl, but it's enough for a quadruple axle.

Couple's Figure Skating

My competitor(s): Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox. Sly is a platform virtuoso, balancing on the points of giant blades. And Carmelita is the determinator cop who nearly captures him on a regular basis. They clearly care about each other, and there's a mutual trust whenever their backs are to the wall. But they're also a fiery combination, not above placing the other in danger when it's amusing. Their routine would be risky, bordering on violent, but they'd both make it to the end of the song with skates on the ground, posing in style. There may be an induced explosion or two in the process, but nothing would faze them.

Ice Hockey:

You know exactly what this sport requires of you: bulk, force, and a lack of attachment to your teeth. We need a team of five skaters and one goalie who can work together intuitively and have inhuman reflexes. This is an easy choice.

My competitor(s): The Expendables. First movie, before they took a flick with an overkill premise and over-overkilled it. I'd put Dolph Lundgren in as the goalie, since his character was the loose cannon of the film. Everybody else knows what they're doing without so much as a hand signal. I'm sure the final score would be dreadfully uneven.

Luge/Skeleton:

To me, the spectator sitting on the couch eating Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, these two things are basically the same thing; sledding on your back and stomach respectively. It's like a waterslide without the water, so it's like a slide I guess. I don't know what the strategy is, aside from not dying. Holding on maybe?

My competitor: Michael Myers. Think about it, what does he excel at? Lying perfectly still until it's time to sit up dramatically. And miraculously moving from place to place. And a vice-like grip. He's everything you need for both of these events.

Ski Jumping:

Standing, sliding, launching, gliding, landing. That sums up the ski jump event, and gets us well on the way of adding a new verse to that "There's So Much To Do" Captain Kangaroo song. So we need somebody who can keep their feet planted and who knows a thing or two about floating to the ground safely from great heights.

My competitor: Genaa, from the 1984 classic Below the Root. Really any of the five playable characters will do, but Genaa's psychic power stats were crap, and nobody ever played her. She doesn't need them here. Like all Kindar and Erdlings, Genaa can fall from the top of a tree all the way to the ground and only take a few seconds of rubbing her head before she can get back up for action. Giant spiders, or snakes? She'll rub her head, but she won't move from the spot. And of course, she comes with the legendary shuba. A shuba is a backpack containing a gliding squirrel-like parachute allowing you to drift safely down from any height at a 45 degree angle. Even if for some reason it tears during her jump, she'll land in the snow with only a sore spot on her head. I miss the C64 era.

Snowboarding:

Skateboarding without wheels. I guess you're more likely to slide in all directions. There's probably a way to steer, since people do it. I wouldn't know. I trip over speed bumps.

My competitor: Sarge from Toy Story. The green army men all have that plastic thing locking their feet in place, and they do a pretty fine job of moving around. And while I don't remember ever seeing Sarge in action, he obviously got to where he is by knowing his stuff. And he's the only one in the bucket with a title.

Speed Skating:

It's not just about movement, but about a specific kind of movement. Feet have to touch the rink and push. Arms have to be in sync. There's probably not any skill that transfers over from elsewhere to really help you with speed skating. You either have to start from scratch in your training or have a natural rhythm about you that probably looks odd off the ice. So with that in mind, I've found an unexpected contender.


My competitor: Wadsworth, from Clue. Let's start with the obvious. In Ending A (or C depending on who you ask) Wadsworth has to be at the front door to shoot the singing telegram girl, and then in the master bedroom within seconds (Oh, sorry. Spoilers?). He's fast. Need More? During his summation he sends the guests from the study to the kitchen, himself running in the opposite direction to the secret passage, and he still gets there before they do. But now look at the way he runs. Sure it's comically prissy, but he's also doing the exact scurry and arm wave that you'd see in speed skating. He also does this for around twenty minutes without losing his breath. Meaning, no matter how Wadsworth places, we'll have the benefit of a wonderful speech in Tim Curry's inimitable voice afterwards.

Closing Ceremonies

I don't think that the Winter Olympics has as elaborate of opening and closing ceremonies as the Summer Olympics. It's a shame. This is where we really need a torch. But in the interest of defiance, I say we end everything on a good old fashioned snowball fight. Let's bring out all the whole team and just let them wail on each other until only Diddy Wishingwell is left standing. Cowbania dude!

Carmelita Fox

Charlie Brown
Diddy Wishingwell
The Expendables
Genaa
Linus
Lucy
Marcie
Michael Myers
Princess Zelda
Sarge
Scrat
Sly Cooper
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Tiny Kong
Tom (Tom & Jerry)
Wadsworth