Cowbania's Fantasy Summer Olympic League

Every Leap Year we take a few weeks of hiatus off of the United States's donkey/elephant pie fight to pretend to care what's going on elsewhere. For this divisible-by-four year, elsewhere is Rio, which I've only just learned is a city in Brazil and not just a Duran Duran song.

When I was a kid, the Olympics sounded like the coolest thing ever. Of course I was a kid and the Olympics in my head was more of a Wipeout/Super Mario World level (neither of which existed at the time) than the revolving door of people standing/walking/scowling/occasionally doing something and commercial breaks stretched out over a two week period that it is.

It probably doesn't help that I don't care about sports, but the Summer Games doesn't do anything for me. At least the Winter Games has a kind of theme working in its favor. How many different and creative ways can people slide across ice? The Summer Games doesn't have that. It's just stuff happening.

Now I get that other people do care, and athletes work very hard to achieve success in this reality that I'm simply not part of. And I'm not suggesting that there's anything inherently wrong with the Olympics (except of course for politics, economic irresponsibility, drug use; menial things like that), I'm just saying that it doesn't hold my attention.

Well, damn it! I'm a fiction writer! I can do something about that! I was never clear on what Fantasy Football Leagues were, but I assume it has something to do with Nymphs and Hobgoblins playing a nice friendly game of brutal bloodshed between goal posts. So why can't I adapt the idea to the Summer Olympics?

Here then is how I would rearrange the current lineup of events to be a bit less, you know, insomnia curing, and which fiction character I would snatch out of the Jungian ether to represent my country of Cowbania, with a few ground rules. Only one character per event and only one event per character. Characters have to compete based solely on their skill sets, so someone like Jean-Luc Picard would not be able to take his tricorder onto the field. Since I'm making this up as I go, I'm going to try to limit the contestants to bipedal characters unless it just really makes sense to let Eeyore hurl the javelin. And finally, I'm looking for characters that can put on a good show. The Flash could obviously dominate a marathon run, but there's nothing interesting about it.

So, here we go then.

Torch Relay

Wow. What could be a better taste of the festivities to come than watching some poor schmuck scurrying through town with a flammable light source in broad daylight? Nobody actually cares about the people in the relay prior to the last runner. We always skip to the end where they finally light the damn torch. So I suggest we restructure it. Cut out the relay portion and make one guy run the stretch from start to finish. And encourage ordinary bystanders to try to stop him. Tackle him. Block him with your car. Dump marbles in his path. If anyone is able to keep him from reaching his goal we get to call this whole thing off and start handing out medals on a first come first served basis. Think of showing off your gold medal for punctuality.

My competitor: Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove. The guy is a juggernaut. He can take anything without breaking a sweat. The combined efforts of the whole world would not be able to keep him from the finish line, but damned if it wouldn't be entertaining to try.

Day One

Archery/Shooting

I know they're not exactly the same thing but it ultimately boils down to hitting targets. You stand. You breathe. You launch a missile. You swear. Rinse, repeat, and back away. So we need to make the concept a smidge more exciting. I suggest combining it with a room escape game. You trap your competitor in a large cabin and set it loose on a mudslide with a steep drop about a thousand yards away. The way to escape hinges on being able to hit various targets that pop up randomly, under stress and unstable conditions. Points are awarded based on how quickly the victim is able to emerge from the impending disaster.

My competitor: Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke. I obviously have to choose someone who can manage a bow, and it was this guy who pushed Legolas into the number two slot of archers. While riding a horse, Ashitaka caught an arrow mid flight and fired it back at its owner, flawlessly hitting its mark. That was badass.

Football/Basketball/Field Hockey/Rugby Sevens/Water Polo/Handball

You know, the same crap we have to watch year round. You're on a team that puts the titular ball in a goal for about an hour. These are Olympic events now. So let's combine all of these into one event where you have a set number of players, and goals, and maybe a few surprise bells and whistles.

My competitor: The Doctor, from Doctor Who obviously. Imagine a team sport scenario utilizing the 5th Doctor's cricket skills, the 8th's prestidigitation, the 11th's vim, and the collective cognition of the bulk of them. You could swap players out without it technically being a substitution. And how much fun would it be to guess if they were predicting each other's moves, or remembering them. Score, you clever boys!

Boxing/Judo/Wrestling/Taekwondo

Here's another series of variances around a central concept, two people in hand to hand combat. To make this work we need a periodic change of venue. So let's do hand-to-hand combat on three stories of a Planet Hollywood. No ring outs. Props are encouraged. Last one standing wins.

My competitor: Indiana Jones, in all of his Ben Burtt foleying glory. There are other brawlers out there who can take a beating, but Dr. Jones by far is the most vulnerable. There's something wonderful about seeing him hurt over and over without breaking. The guy managed to force Mola Ram into punching himself in the face while dangling from a broken sway bridge. Let the guy finally keep one of the treasures he's unearthed.

Cycling (Road, Track, BMX, Mountain Biking)

Somebody rides a bicycle from point A to point B. Maybe it's laps, maybe it's off road, it doesn't matter. We're really just hoping to see someone get hurt. So again, let's combine all of these events into one grand obstacle course with tightropes, saw blades, and bears; kind of like those intense downhill bike races you can find on YouTube.

My competitor: Frank Martin AKA the Transporter. Handling vehicles is his thing, and Transporter 3 demonstrates his ability to ride a bicycle under duress. Hell, throw in a train, a fire hose, and a woman needlessly dancing in a bikini and that pretty much summarizes the entire series.

Day Two

This blog is going to be freaking endless if I devote equal time to every event, so let's do a highlights reel.

Equestrian: Like cycling, but with a horse.

Contestant: Zorro.

Fencing: Not getting stabbed.

Contestant: Harpo Marx (see A Night in Casablanca).

Rowing: Who gives a shit about rowing?

Contestant: I'll do partners on this one. Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.

Weight Lifting: You pick something up. You put something down.

Contestant: The Murray! From Sly Cooper.

Sailing: Just what it says. Jeez. They'll put anything in the Olympics.

Contestant: CON-DOR-MAN!!! Just because he understands aerodynamics.

Trampolining: Jumping really high and doing flips.

Contestant: Luke Skywalker, naturally.

Synchronized Swimming: Two women who can flexibly mirror each other.

Contestants: Morrigan and Lilith Aensland.

Swimming: Swimming. Like, in water and everything.

Contestant: Meggy Swann. I don't expect most of you to get that reference, but she's the protagonist of the Karen Cushman book Alchemy and Meggy Swann. Having spent her life on crutches she discovers at a pivotal moment that she has incredible upper body strength. She's a great character and it's a lovely book. I listened to the audio version, read by the incomparable Katherine Kellgren. Check it out.

Okay, where was I?

Canoeing (Slalom/Sprint)

Closing out the day with a couple of other combined events, let's give our intrepid athlete a river worth conquering. Say...ye boulders, ye rapids, and ye whirlpools.

My competitor: Dirk the Daring of course! From Dragon's Lair. Who else? And in keeping with tradition, we can give him multiple lives.

Tennis/Table Tennis/Beach Volleyball/Indoor Volleyball/Badminton

Paddles or racquets, balls or shuttlecocks, these are all synonyms for real-world Pong; or Hot Potato with a grenade. It's probably most memorable (by default) with teams of two, allowing for a receiver, a set-up, and a spike (basically the formula for comedy writing). So leave the basic rules the same, just up the ante. The floor is metal. The ball is electric. And remember to have fun.

My competitors: Peach and Daisy. They can obviously play any damned sport in existence, and being electrocuted is as inconvenient as a sneeze. Then if you let the ladies channel some of that Mario Strikers aggression, I think you'll find Kasumi will suddenly remember a dentist appointment.

Day Three

Golf

All right. What nimbus let golf into the Olympics? Did somebody owe golf a favor? Does golf have incriminating evidence on the Olympic sponsors? Did juggling, pole dancing, and bowling honestly not get the application in by the deadline?...Sorry. I live in a house with five people. And golf is ALWAYS on television.

Mini-golf rocks! You've got your windmills, dinosaurs, trick shots, the occasional injury to small children. The problem with golf is that it isn't a grander scale of mini-golf. Well in my world it is. You've got massive Rube Goldberg tracks, city-wide strobe lights, and an animatronic Godzilla that makes random appearances. You want to play golf on my courses? You've got to have poise, control, and a subtle love of chaos.

My competitor: Mary Poppins. Damn right. She's got everything a golfer needs from form to precision. And every shot is practically perfect in every way.

Diving

The problem with diving is there's not much to it. So instead let's make it cliff diving, and part of the event is the complicated scaling of the rock face.

My competitor: Lara Croft. We know she can climb, do flips, and swan dive. And as an added bonus she'll invariably do that ridiculous handstand at the top of the climb. You big show-off.

Modern Pentathlon/Triathlon

This is where they start randomly picking events and insisting there's a tradition of some kind. Take the Pentathlon. Fencing, swimming, running, shooting, and riding someone else's horse. It's like somebody tried to download Ocarina of Time to their iPhone 4. So I suggest we replace these events entirely with a cross-city parkour run.

My competitor: The Prince of Persia (whose name isn't Dastan). In addition to his ability to run on walls and swing on poles, the prince never runs out of breath. And running across a city is essentially his MO.

Athletics

Athletics is kind of a catch-all term. This is where you have your relay races, hurdles, shot-put, discus, pole vault, hammer throw, long jump, high jump, triple jump, and decathlon (which is all of that crap put together). These are the events you probably think of when someone mentions the Olympics. To compete in a decathlon you need stamina, drive, and skill. And to make things more interesting, I'm going to add in a large bully and a seven minute time limit.

My competitor: Bugs Bunny. You don't need me to explain why.

Gymnastics

We're closing out the Summer Games with what I truly believe is the coolest portion, the gymnastics. For some damned reason women's and men's gymnastics have notable difference. Both contain the floor routine and the vault, but men have the pommel horse, parallel bars, rings, and horizontal bar, while women have the uneven bars and balance beam. And then there's the matter of rhythmic gymnastics which is closer akin to dance. So this essentially falls into three separate events.

Let's start with the men's routines. Five out of six of those center on upper body strength, so why don't we extend that to the floor routine? Let's say the participants have to engage in all six events in without their feet touching the floor. We're going to need someone with serious biceps.

My competitor: Jason Voorhees. Yeah, getting him to focus might be a bit of a challenge but you know he can support himself without flinching or trembling.

It's a little trickier finding a gimmick for women's gymnastics, but how about we arrange the arena where the contestant has to do all four events in one swoop? You start with the vault, which instead on landing on the mat you land on the floor routine portion. A third of the way through you get up on the balance beam. Then back to the floor, over to the uneven bars, and back on the floor for the finale.

My competitor: Barbara Gordon, AKA Batgirl. Tumbling, swinging around, and landing on precarious surfaces is essentially her night job. As an added bonus, you could send out some thugs for her to beat up in the process. That's entertainment.

And finally, the rhythmic gymnastics portion. This is a routine that involves clubs, a hoop, a ball, a rope, and a ribbon. It's meant for one to five dancers, but I'm going to keep it at a solo performance. We're looking for grace and control, as well as the ability to make objects dance.

My competitor: Ivy Valentine, of the Soulcalibur series. The ribbon is a given, and by extension the rope. She's all about control and discipline, and you have to believe she's capable of commanding a hoop to do whatever the hell she wants them to do.

Closing Ceremonies

So that's it then. That's my lineup for the 2016 Fake Olympics. If you think you've got a team to challenge me I'd love to hear about it in the comments below. Thank you for joining me, and I'd like to bring out my whole team for a final group photo.

Apollo Creed
Ashitaka
Barbara Gordon
Bugs Bunny

Condorman
Dirk the Daring
The Doctor

Frank Martin
Harpo Marx
Indiana Jones
Ivy Valentine
Jason Voorhees
Kronk
Lara Croft
Lilith Aensland
Luke Skywalker
Mary Poppins
Meggy Swann
Morrigan Aensland
The Murray
The Prince of Persia
Princess Daisy
Princess Peach
Rocky Balboa
Zorro