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Porky, Sylvester, and Wile E. were busy unloading the company van; mostly laptop cases and a couple of duffle bags containing various Acme products that would invariably have undesired results. Several feet away, Daffy Duck stared at the gates to the Disney studios with an unyielding sense of trepidation. Speedy Gonzales suddenly appeared down by his webbed feet but he either didn't notice, or paid the mouse no mind.
"Señor?" said Speedy, "Why are you so nervous? You've been here dozens of times."
"Murphy's law," grumbled Daffy.
"And this 'Murphy?' His jurisdiction extends to other studios?"
Daffy sighed. "You wouldn't understand, Speedy. You've never been accident prone."
"So what? You never worry about consequences before."
"It's just a gut feeling."
"Señor Duck, you know better than to listen to your inner voice."
"Thank you," Daffy sneered, "that's very encouraging."
Sylvester slammed the trunk of the van shut. "Tho what do you guyth think?" his trademark lisp more pronounced off camera than Daffy's, "Brown Derby?"
Porky pressed the lock button on the keychain. "What's breah-b-b-breah-b-Brown Derby?"
"It's a really nithe rethtaurant. They have a great lunch menu!"
Daffy shot them a look. "You're already thinking about food?"
Sylvester and Porky exchanged a glance, debating the best way to respond, but fortunately Wile E. nodded his head for all of them.
"I don't usually say this," Daffy huffed, "but can we try to focus? Whatever's going on in there, the rabbit's in over his pointy ears. It would behoove us to avoid litigation with Disney's paralegals." Porky flinched and Wile E. gave a sheepish shrug. Sylvester seemed a little dumbfounded. "Porky, translate for the cat."
"He muh-means try not to de-du-de-destroy anything."
Daffy rolled his eyes. "This has all the makings of a morning talk show panel. Come on, let's get this clip show started. Who's got the security passes?"
Porky pointed to Wile E., who pointed to Sylvester, who reminded Daffy "You thaid to leave 'em in your mailbox."
Daffy gave himself a face palm. "Speedy?" The mouse gave a mock salute and vanished in a trail of dust. "All right let's move out. He should be back by the time we get to the gate."
It was a short walk to the security booth which turned into a long ordeal by the untimely arrival of the Roadrunner, who took more than a passing interest in antagonizing Wile E. The mere presence of the bird was enough cause for the Coyote to drop his equipment and start closing in. It took the combined efforts of Sylvester and Daffy to get Wile E.'s focus back on the current project.
"Take it eathy, buddy," said the cat, a sympathetic paw on the canine's shoulder, "Deep breathth."
"Beat it Harpo!" Daffy snapped. The Roadrunner cocked his head, feigning innocence before bouncing up and disappearing through the parking lot entrance. Daffy rolled his eyes.
"He'th heading right into oncoming traffic," Sylvester pointed out.
"One can hope. You guys get reorganized while I see if the security guard has a dolly or a wheelbarrow or something."
Daffy approached the booth, where a large mustachioed man with red hair and a cowboy hat eyed him suspiciously.
"Morning," the duck propped himself up against the desk. "Daffy Duck-global superstar-you may have heard of me-your crickets here."
The guard scowled at him and donned a pair of eyeglasses as slowly as possible. He took up his clipboard, which may or may not have had actual names on it, and ran his finger from the top to the bottom while his mouth winced from side to side as if he was really reading it. Daffy wondered where Speedy was; it never took the mouse this long to sprint across town twice.
The guard's mustache continued to tick side to side with each fake name he was pretending to examine. Daffy found it annoying at first, then strangely hypnotic. "You know," he said, "you look really familiar."
The mustache stopped moving and the guard's eyes locked onto Daffy like crosshairs. On reflex, the duck braced himself for a karate chop to the throat. Instead he was greeted by a huge belly laugh. "You saw my movie!"
Daffy found his right hand engulfed in the guard's violent handshake. "Alameda Slim! Screen star, cattle rustler, and yodeling virtuoso!" Without the slightest provocation, Slim proceeded to regale the WB crew with multiple anecdotes about the film's production and the music that never made it to the studio. The guy could talk, and he did, all the way up until the moment that Speedy arrived with the all important security passes.
"It'th about time," Sylvester muttered.
"Señor Duck's mailbox is on the top row," explained Speedy.
One quick dissertation about the current state of hand-drawn animation later and the team was loading their equipment into a yellow rolling bin. Slim gave them a warm welcome to the studio, gently slapping Daffy so hard on the shoulder that his beak popped off, and they were headed into the maze of studio streets. They waited until they were out of Slim's earshot before anyone offered up a reaction to the encounter.
Wile E. nudged Porky and gestured to a hand sign he was holding that read 'Is that where film stars go?'
"To a p-p-p-punch clock j-j-job? It's a lee-li-luh-living."
Sylvester humphed. "Thome living."
"Was it just me," said Daffy, "or did that guy look really familiar?"
"Thome people jutht have that look."
Jasmine was the last one to crawl out of the ocean. Steam filled her lungs and she coughed uncontrollably. The salt in the air brought tears to her eyes. She could barely make out the shapes of Frollo and Kronk further down the beach; the former angrily pushing away the helpfulness of the latter. Everything between the sand and the mountain had burned to the ground in one straight line, while the foliage to the side was untouched. It was almost as if whatever caused the magma flow had somehow targeted them; like someone powerful was behind it all.
The princess wringed out her clothes to the best of her ability if only to drop the extra weight of the seawater, her dress was undoubtedly ruined. Close by, a very irritated panther fared much better in shaking off the ocean's residue.
"Is everybody okay?" she called down the beach, receiving an immediate duet of 'We're good' and 'No! I'm not all right!' from Kronk and Frollo respectively. She gave Bagheera a forlorn sigh. "Let's try this again."
Bagheera watched her take a few steps towards the mountain before he realized what she was doing. "You're not going back, are you?"
"Elsa and Tarzan are still out there."
The large cat took a few strides to cut Jasmine off. "Whatever that was, it destroyed everything. I'm sorry, but your friends are gone."
"Our friends," said Jasmine. "And what if they're not? They were inside the cave when that eruption happened. They could be safe. They could be trapped."
"They're likely dead."
"Likely isn't good enough. I have to know for sure."
Bagheera grumbled. "This isn't one of your man-settlements where you have the luxury of your own rules, Jasmine. This is the jungle. You don't argue with the storm clouds about what is and isn't fair. You run from them, hide, take shelter, survive."
"That's not what we do."
"Really?" The panther made a nodding gesture in the direction of Frollo's tantrum. "I'm not sure every one of your kind would agree with you."
"I'd go if it was you out there."
"That would be foolish. If I fell to the wilderness, what chance would you have against it?"
Jasmine stopped in her tracks. "Bagheera, I understand what you're saying. And all things being equal, you're probably right. But I don't care. I'm doing this. You can come with me, you can stay here, you can go wherever makes the most sense to you. But you're not going to talk me out of doing what I know is right." And with her peace said, she turned back to the mountain and restarted her march, stumbling repeatedly over the soggy dress.
Bagheera's eyes followed her first steps before glancing back at Frollo and Kronk, then to the unblemished foliage. He shook his head as his conscience got the better of him and sprang after her again.
"I'll go," he said.
"Thank you. I could use the company."
"No. I'll go instead." Jasmine was about to protest, but the panther cut her off. "You're in no condition to travel right now. I'm better suited for this, and you have something more immediate to handle."
She gave him a puzzled look, and he nodded towards the men on the beach. "We're carrying dead weight. You need to decide what to do about it."
Jasmine scratched behind Bagheera's ear. "Promise you'll be careful."
"If it's an option," he said, before scurrying out of sight.
There was a wrecked vessel further up the coast; a large wooden ship, beached among the rocks. From this distance it looked like the wood was rotting beyond use and a gaping hole in the side about the size of a rhinoceros exposed the collection of barnacles that had taken residence inside. Its discovery sent Kronk into a rush of glee. "Hey Jasmine!" he called. "Come see what we found!"
Frollo huffed, "I don't know what you're so excited about. That boat isn't going anywhere."
"Yeah, but it could have food. Supplies. Maybe one of those rolled up maps with the dotted line and the big 'X' that leads you to a cave with sliding block puzzles and an even more complicated map!"
Jasmine reached the spot where they stood and appraised this new revelation. "Someone has clearly been here before us."
Kronk slumped down to where his eyes met Jasmine's and hopped up and down like a child. "Can I check it out?"
She smiled at him. "Just be safe about it."
"Oh boy! This is gonna be great!" Kronk practically skipped across the sand in the direction of the wreckage.
"I don't know what he's so happy about," sneered Frollo.
"He has hope," said Jasmine. She let a few moments go by in case Frollo had a response that he wanted to share. She continued when none came. "We need to talk."
"I'm sure her highness is used to getting whatever she wishes."
"I don't know if you've noticed, but I'm trying to save your life."
"Did I ask for your charity?"
"Charity? You mean basic human compassion? No, you didn't ask for it, in fact you seem to resent it."
"I was fine until any of you showed up. Since you arrived I've had demons coming out of the woods and down from the mountains-"
"Yes. And this island is dangerous whether you're with us, or alone. Which one of those do you want? Because so far, you've done nothing to convince me that it makes a difference."
Frollo just glared silently at Jasmine, but the princess refused to flinch. She may have even been able to stare him down were it not for the abrupt sound of an explosion coming from the wrecked vessel.
"Kronk!" she shouted, breaking into a sprint, and not bothering to check whether Frollo was coming or staying.
Continue to Chapter Sixteen
Return to the table of contents.
Tuesday, August 29, 2017
Tuesday, August 22, 2017
200th Blog: The Wooly Side's Open Mic Night (and a Cow Named Rover)
Somewhere in the ether of my wandering attention span, I imagine there's a little out of the way tavern called the Solla Saloon (probably down the road from The Flowing Fountain, but a bit more geared towards alcohol instead of coffee). On this particular night, or day, whenever you're reading this, I like to imagine the various characters who have appeared so far in my blogs are congregating for a little social interaction. Everyone from Marguerite to the lamb and the fox have gathered around various tables and corners of the dance floor. Copyrighted characters like Scooby-Doo and the whole Disney lot were sent invitations, which likely never made it to their recipients. But when you have a Kamyl, an Ostrich, and an Ampersand walking into a bar legalities just get in the way.
I poke my head in to see how things are going, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. It seems like they've taken a little break from the soundboard music and are having an impromptu talent show. Zelphina has just surrendered the microphone to somebody named Deitrick (one of my characters I regrettably don't even remember). He brings out a guitar and begins strumming the repetitive chords to The Beverly Hillbillies.
Deitrick (singing):
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Fred.
A lot of us thought he was out of his head.
He lived like a hermit in the jungle of Siberia
And he did a summer study on the culture of Assyria.
Then one day he was huntin' Easter eggs,
Tripped on a rope that was fastened to some kegs.
His gun shot off with a thunder through the silence,
But lucky for the censors he avoided any violence.
The bullet made its way to the trunk of a tree.
Of course the sudden impact pulled the bottom free.
The tree hit another, and so on down the rows,
And fifty came down like a line of dominoes. (The toy, that is. Not the pizza.)
The trees bounced back to their normal standing place.
A look of perplexion came across our buddy's face.
He jumped like a loony and he shouted with glee.
"I have just discovered a new type of rubber tree!"
Now to see this sight would have really been a scare,
So all of Fred's friends said, "Move away from there!
"You know that Californy is the place you ought to be!"
But instead he packed his bags and he moved to Tennessee.
Now that's not the end of this version of my tale,
But if you want the rest you'll have to order through the mail-
At which point he stops playing entirely and meanders off the stage, handing the guitar to Zelphina (who seems as confused as I am). But everyone else apparently has enjoyed the performance as they applaud Deitrick's contribution.
Zelphina takes center stage.
Zelphina:
Thank you Deitrick. That really gave us quite a lot to consider thinking about later if we feel like it. Up next we have a recitation from Jeremy Bentham AKA the mummy, as he presents Wholesome Solvent 10: Death Drop Dead.
Jeremy The Mummy:
Death, be not proud, though some dread thee with praise,
For I'm drinking milk, and I'm growing these days,
And milk hath the calcium grams that I needeth,
Potassium, phosphorus, Vitamin C- death,
Magnesium, sodium, protein and zinc,
And what I shan't drink I shall pour down the sink.
My bones will grow strong (though my skin will decay)
This I owe to my friends the U.S.R.D.A.
And shouldst thou seek me early with culprits or strainers
My face shall appear on the backs of containers
And thus dearest death, I've evaded thy mystery.
I shall remain and then thou shallt be history.
Zelphina:
Let's hear it then for our resident link to the afterlife and his public service announcement. Up next is a dear friend of ours over at the Carousel, Becky Emerson. She's presenting a liturgical-styled dance that she's choreographed herself to an untitled piece known colloquially as a diminishing verse. Please welcome her warmly.
(Note: Since Becky's dance doesn't translate well into blog narrative, only the lyrics are presented here.)
Zelphina:
Beautiful, Becky. Now please provide a certain degree of tolerance to the Wooly Side's very own Detective Nathaniel Guffey of The Wax Buzzard Files, who I may or may not have known for longer than I realize. He's here tonight to present an hors d'oeurve platter of non-sequiturs which should, in his own words, "leave you wanting something else".
Guffey:
1. Is every personal pronoun here tonight, or is it just me?
2. I've decided to start my own non-profit business. I'm selling things nobody wants.
3. If I had to describe my life in one word I wouldn’t bother.
4. I’ll say one thing. Any requests?
5. Twenty minutes with the bed sheets this morning and one side is still higher than the other. I literally can’t even.
6. So how long does it usually take you guys to get ready to rock?
7. I get so tired of hearing lullabies.
8. I feel lousy. I really need to stop exercising.
9. The other day at the gym some schmuck tried to steal an exercise bike. He obviously didn’t get very far. But it still took me half an hour to chase him down because I was on the treadmill.
10. I worked the register at a movie rental place when a mom walked up with her screaming kid and set a copy of Shark Tale on the counter. I gave her the pitch for the rewards card like I was supposed to and she refused. I tried again explaining the benefits but she still wasn’t interested. So I said, “Ma’am, your teeth are ugly, your kid’s annoying, and you have no taste in movies. Now you know I’m not lying. The card is a good deal.”
11. Lip-sync battle finale coming up, and I’m going in all-or-nothing with “Tequila”.
12. I had the most painless experience with the DMV today. I didn’t go.
13. I took second place in an underachieving contest. Better than I expected.
14. But I really want to be a better perfectionist.
15. I guess, technically, I am always in a mood. It goes without saying.
16. I finally played an old Pokemon game. I managed to catch 22. I have mixed feelings about that.
17. Do you ever feel the animals in the petting zoo are silently judging you? I think they’re making poker faces behind my back.
18. Nobody seems impressed that I can get jiggy without it.
19. I’m filing a civil action suit against the Village People. I stayed at the YMCA and it wasn’t fun.
20. I let myself down this past holiday season. I only managed to jingle part of the way.
21. But all things in balance. I try to do a good deed every day. In case I want to mug somebody later.
22. All my friends keep trying to talk me out of giving into peer pressure. They set me up on an expiration date. It didn’t end well.
23. I know when I’m not wanted. It’s like 3:45 in the morning.
24. Is now a good time to mention my watch has stopped?
25. I called Domino's. I asked for an impersonal pan pizza. They left it on the counter for whoever. I used to be enthusiastic about placing the order, but lately I’ve been phoning it in.
26. I took the “Which Phantom Menace character are you?” test. I got “For the last time, you weren’t IN that movie!”
27. Completely wasted meeting with my accountant. He told me the numbers just weren’t there. I had nothing to add.
28. I’m a walking contradiction because I’m not walking.
29. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is a whale.
30. I didn’t get the humanitarian award this year. They’re biased against mean people.
31. I want to invite everyone to an ice cream antisocial. Just, whenever you want, have some.
32. So this guy walks into a bar after they’re closed. No joke.
Zelphina:
So I'm about to introduce our friend the Big Bad Wolf, which is a sentence I never thought I would say. He'll be coming out to perform "Insomnia", a hard rock piece modeled after the style of Lacuna Coil. He'll be joined by my incorrigible girlfriend Caris-
Caris:
(from the floor) Take off your top!
Zelphina:
-who serves as my constant reminder that special things lie beneath the surface. But while they're coming up to the stage, I want to tell you a little story; it might shine some light on why we're all here. It's December of 1977, and a church music director named Miss Hill is in charge of the various choirs that sing throughout the services; including the Cherub Choir, made up of predominantly kindergarten and first grade children. One boy, who has only recently turned five, shows up to a Christmas program rehearsal with a five year old's 'friend'; the cow figurine, borrowed from his family's manger scene. The boy proudly shows off his companion to Miss Hill and the other children, introducing her by name.
Rover.
Now this is coming from a five year old, who was still untouched by the adult filter of insincerity. A cow named Rover was not tongue in cheek, or a punchline of absurdity. This figurine in the boy's hand was a metaphor for the real living, breathing cow in his imagination, whose name happened to be Rover. Rover the Cow was a fictional character given life by nothing more than the mere assignment of an unusual name. And the other children in the choir, as well as Miss Hill, were able to witness this character in their own minds based on nothing more than a single word.
Skipping ahead to May of 1978, Miss Hill was vacating her position as music director and moving into the next chapter of her life. She took a few moments in front of the congregation to say thank you, farewell, and to share some of her fondest memories from her position. The last one she mentioned was the time a child came to rehearsal with a cow named Rover. A delighted laugh came from every voice in the sanctuary, as the mere mention of Rover the Cow's name summoned her into the minds of the entire congregation. Rover had been real to the child, and then to Miss Hill, and then to a sanctuary of church goers.
That, as they say...is magic.
(cue the music)
Insomnia...
Insomnia...
Ceiling fan is groaning, open molars of verruca
And the wooden rafters creaking in the hall
Headlights from the highway ricocheting off the cobwebs
In the corners where they crash into the wall
Lying for an hour to myself and to the twilight
Draped in fabricated solace for a gown
Chanting self-hypnosis. Counting sheep and respiration games
My feet are drawing circles
And they still won't settle down
I've got insomnia
I've balanced every checkbook that I own
So much insomnia
With voices and a tenor saxophone
I've got insomnia
The sandman has a scarcity of sand
But not insomnia
The things I'd do if I had strength to stand
I've got insomnia
Sighing through a grimace. Even crickets are surrendering
The time is on somebody else's side
Praying for a nightmare, get these shadows off my back
And pour another glass of warm paraldehyde
I seem to have forgotten if my eyes are closed or open
As I slip into monotony and doubt
I wonder why the darkness and the light have such contention
And they chose the cloister of my brain
To sort their issues out
Through my insomnia
It's solitary prison in my bed
And there's insomnia
A hamster wheel is spinning in my head
It's called insomnia
A tidal wave of thoughts without a lull
Because- insomnia
Find me a pen and ram it through my skull
I've got insomnia
Night has come and gone, the stars are drifting off to slumber
And the pheasants greet the sun's impending rise
Visions in the room of purple goats and floating magazines
And copper hammers filled with fireflies
Rolling off the mattress where my heels impact the floorboard
And my skeleton collapses in a heap
Lousy with commitments and a stream of expectations
Good morning everybody
And damn you all to sleep
Insomnia
With vertigo at thoughts of getting dressed
Too much insomnia
The floor is nice, the gentle taste of rest
Thanks to insomnia
I'm cashy cow my palace epson tea
I've got insomnia
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Insomnia
Zelphina:
Lovely, and unfortunately relatable. That pretty much wraps up our potpourri of presentations. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Please help yourself to some food. I'm sure there will be lots of dancing-
Caris:
Take off your top!
Zelphina:
-and alcohol will be guiding us towards our inevitable destination. But I want to leave you with a few choice words from our resident bard herself, and I hope you'll join us again for our 300th blog some time over the next four or five years. Kungaloosh!
A dreamer doesn't buy advice or worship regulations.
A dreamer doesn't nail a price on selfish celebrations.
A dreamer's path is everywhere. A dreamer's wrath is home.
A dreamer: prone to solitaire, their humble catacomb.
The stars entice their wounded eye while sunbeams tip their tongues.
Their ladders stretch into sky, with clouds instead of rungs
A dreamer's dreams are what they seem; the muses and the gods,
To dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream no matter what the odds.
I poke my head in to see how things are going, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. It seems like they've taken a little break from the soundboard music and are having an impromptu talent show. Zelphina has just surrendered the microphone to somebody named Deitrick (one of my characters I regrettably don't even remember). He brings out a guitar and begins strumming the repetitive chords to The Beverly Hillbillies.
Deitrick (singing):
Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Fred.
A lot of us thought he was out of his head.
He lived like a hermit in the jungle of Siberia
And he did a summer study on the culture of Assyria.
Then one day he was huntin' Easter eggs,
Tripped on a rope that was fastened to some kegs.
His gun shot off with a thunder through the silence,
But lucky for the censors he avoided any violence.
The bullet made its way to the trunk of a tree.
Of course the sudden impact pulled the bottom free.
The tree hit another, and so on down the rows,
And fifty came down like a line of dominoes. (The toy, that is. Not the pizza.)
The trees bounced back to their normal standing place.
A look of perplexion came across our buddy's face.
He jumped like a loony and he shouted with glee.
"I have just discovered a new type of rubber tree!"
Now to see this sight would have really been a scare,
So all of Fred's friends said, "Move away from there!
"You know that Californy is the place you ought to be!"
But instead he packed his bags and he moved to Tennessee.
Now that's not the end of this version of my tale,
But if you want the rest you'll have to order through the mail-
At which point he stops playing entirely and meanders off the stage, handing the guitar to Zelphina (who seems as confused as I am). But everyone else apparently has enjoyed the performance as they applaud Deitrick's contribution.
Zelphina takes center stage.
Zelphina:
Thank you Deitrick. That really gave us quite a lot to consider thinking about later if we feel like it. Up next we have a recitation from Jeremy Bentham AKA the mummy, as he presents Wholesome Solvent 10: Death Drop Dead.
Jeremy The Mummy:
Death, be not proud, though some dread thee with praise,
For I'm drinking milk, and I'm growing these days,
And milk hath the calcium grams that I needeth,
Potassium, phosphorus, Vitamin C- death,
Magnesium, sodium, protein and zinc,
And what I shan't drink I shall pour down the sink.
My bones will grow strong (though my skin will decay)
This I owe to my friends the U.S.R.D.A.
And shouldst thou seek me early with culprits or strainers
My face shall appear on the backs of containers
And thus dearest death, I've evaded thy mystery.
I shall remain and then thou shallt be history.
Zelphina:
Let's hear it then for our resident link to the afterlife and his public service announcement. Up next is a dear friend of ours over at the Carousel, Becky Emerson. She's presenting a liturgical-styled dance that she's choreographed herself to an untitled piece known colloquially as a diminishing verse. Please welcome her warmly.
(Note: Since Becky's dance doesn't translate well into blog narrative, only the lyrics are presented here.)
Last night a dream became reality in my slumber
And even though I am not able to encumber
It all I continue to feel the memories
Of passion, warmth, and securities
That I shared in my embrace,
Of which I still can place
Strong arms entwined
In my body and mind
As I wake to cry
So I'll know
What I've
Dreamed
Is as
Real
As
I
Zelphina:
Beautiful, Becky. Now please provide a certain degree of tolerance to the Wooly Side's very own Detective Nathaniel Guffey of The Wax Buzzard Files, who I may or may not have known for longer than I realize. He's here tonight to present an hors d'oeurve platter of non-sequiturs which should, in his own words, "leave you wanting something else".
Guffey:
1. Is every personal pronoun here tonight, or is it just me?
2. I've decided to start my own non-profit business. I'm selling things nobody wants.
3. If I had to describe my life in one word I wouldn’t bother.
4. I’ll say one thing. Any requests?
5. Twenty minutes with the bed sheets this morning and one side is still higher than the other. I literally can’t even.
6. So how long does it usually take you guys to get ready to rock?
7. I get so tired of hearing lullabies.
8. I feel lousy. I really need to stop exercising.
9. The other day at the gym some schmuck tried to steal an exercise bike. He obviously didn’t get very far. But it still took me half an hour to chase him down because I was on the treadmill.
10. I worked the register at a movie rental place when a mom walked up with her screaming kid and set a copy of Shark Tale on the counter. I gave her the pitch for the rewards card like I was supposed to and she refused. I tried again explaining the benefits but she still wasn’t interested. So I said, “Ma’am, your teeth are ugly, your kid’s annoying, and you have no taste in movies. Now you know I’m not lying. The card is a good deal.”
11. Lip-sync battle finale coming up, and I’m going in all-or-nothing with “Tequila”.
12. I had the most painless experience with the DMV today. I didn’t go.
13. I took second place in an underachieving contest. Better than I expected.
14. But I really want to be a better perfectionist.
15. I guess, technically, I am always in a mood. It goes without saying.
16. I finally played an old Pokemon game. I managed to catch 22. I have mixed feelings about that.
17. Do you ever feel the animals in the petting zoo are silently judging you? I think they’re making poker faces behind my back.
18. Nobody seems impressed that I can get jiggy without it.
19. I’m filing a civil action suit against the Village People. I stayed at the YMCA and it wasn’t fun.
20. I let myself down this past holiday season. I only managed to jingle part of the way.
21. But all things in balance. I try to do a good deed every day. In case I want to mug somebody later.
22. All my friends keep trying to talk me out of giving into peer pressure. They set me up on an expiration date. It didn’t end well.
23. I know when I’m not wanted. It’s like 3:45 in the morning.
24. Is now a good time to mention my watch has stopped?
25. I called Domino's. I asked for an impersonal pan pizza. They left it on the counter for whoever. I used to be enthusiastic about placing the order, but lately I’ve been phoning it in.
26. I took the “Which Phantom Menace character are you?” test. I got “For the last time, you weren’t IN that movie!”
27. Completely wasted meeting with my accountant. He told me the numbers just weren’t there. I had nothing to add.
28. I’m a walking contradiction because I’m not walking.
29. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is a whale.
30. I didn’t get the humanitarian award this year. They’re biased against mean people.
31. I want to invite everyone to an ice cream antisocial. Just, whenever you want, have some.
32. So this guy walks into a bar after they’re closed. No joke.
Zelphina:
So I'm about to introduce our friend the Big Bad Wolf, which is a sentence I never thought I would say. He'll be coming out to perform "Insomnia", a hard rock piece modeled after the style of Lacuna Coil. He'll be joined by my incorrigible girlfriend Caris-
Caris:
(from the floor) Take off your top!
Zelphina:
-who serves as my constant reminder that special things lie beneath the surface. But while they're coming up to the stage, I want to tell you a little story; it might shine some light on why we're all here. It's December of 1977, and a church music director named Miss Hill is in charge of the various choirs that sing throughout the services; including the Cherub Choir, made up of predominantly kindergarten and first grade children. One boy, who has only recently turned five, shows up to a Christmas program rehearsal with a five year old's 'friend'; the cow figurine, borrowed from his family's manger scene. The boy proudly shows off his companion to Miss Hill and the other children, introducing her by name.
Rover.
Now this is coming from a five year old, who was still untouched by the adult filter of insincerity. A cow named Rover was not tongue in cheek, or a punchline of absurdity. This figurine in the boy's hand was a metaphor for the real living, breathing cow in his imagination, whose name happened to be Rover. Rover the Cow was a fictional character given life by nothing more than the mere assignment of an unusual name. And the other children in the choir, as well as Miss Hill, were able to witness this character in their own minds based on nothing more than a single word.
Skipping ahead to May of 1978, Miss Hill was vacating her position as music director and moving into the next chapter of her life. She took a few moments in front of the congregation to say thank you, farewell, and to share some of her fondest memories from her position. The last one she mentioned was the time a child came to rehearsal with a cow named Rover. A delighted laugh came from every voice in the sanctuary, as the mere mention of Rover the Cow's name summoned her into the minds of the entire congregation. Rover had been real to the child, and then to Miss Hill, and then to a sanctuary of church goers.
That, as they say...is magic.
(cue the music)
Insomnia...
Insomnia...
Ceiling fan is groaning, open molars of verruca
And the wooden rafters creaking in the hall
Headlights from the highway ricocheting off the cobwebs
In the corners where they crash into the wall
Lying for an hour to myself and to the twilight
Draped in fabricated solace for a gown
Chanting self-hypnosis. Counting sheep and respiration games
My feet are drawing circles
And they still won't settle down
I've got insomnia
I've balanced every checkbook that I own
So much insomnia
With voices and a tenor saxophone
I've got insomnia
The sandman has a scarcity of sand
But not insomnia
The things I'd do if I had strength to stand
I've got insomnia
Sighing through a grimace. Even crickets are surrendering
The time is on somebody else's side
Praying for a nightmare, get these shadows off my back
And pour another glass of warm paraldehyde
I seem to have forgotten if my eyes are closed or open
As I slip into monotony and doubt
I wonder why the darkness and the light have such contention
And they chose the cloister of my brain
To sort their issues out
Through my insomnia
It's solitary prison in my bed
And there's insomnia
A hamster wheel is spinning in my head
It's called insomnia
A tidal wave of thoughts without a lull
Because- insomnia
Find me a pen and ram it through my skull
I've got insomnia
Night has come and gone, the stars are drifting off to slumber
And the pheasants greet the sun's impending rise
Visions in the room of purple goats and floating magazines
And copper hammers filled with fireflies
Rolling off the mattress where my heels impact the floorboard
And my skeleton collapses in a heap
Lousy with commitments and a stream of expectations
Good morning everybody
And damn you all to sleep
Insomnia
With vertigo at thoughts of getting dressed
Too much insomnia
The floor is nice, the gentle taste of rest
Thanks to insomnia
I'm cashy cow my palace epson tea
I've got insomnia
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Insomnia
Zelphina:
Lovely, and unfortunately relatable. That pretty much wraps up our potpourri of presentations. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Please help yourself to some food. I'm sure there will be lots of dancing-
Caris:
Take off your top!
Zelphina:
-and alcohol will be guiding us towards our inevitable destination. But I want to leave you with a few choice words from our resident bard herself, and I hope you'll join us again for our 300th blog some time over the next four or five years. Kungaloosh!
A dreamer doesn't buy advice or worship regulations.
A dreamer doesn't nail a price on selfish celebrations.
A dreamer's path is everywhere. A dreamer's wrath is home.
A dreamer: prone to solitaire, their humble catacomb.
The stars entice their wounded eye while sunbeams tip their tongues.
Their ladders stretch into sky, with clouds instead of rungs
A dreamer's dreams are what they seem; the muses and the gods,
To dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream no matter what the odds.
Wednesday, August 9, 2017
Editorial: Eight Video Game Characters Who Deserve a Comeback
What could be more fun than a stroll down Nostalgia Avenue? Alone? At night? With a dead car battery and no cell phone? I don't know why you'd be carrying a dead car battery, but put it down and let's talk video games.
Our species is one of narrative. It's in our nature to weave stories; given any two variables and we'll certainly draw a connection between them regardless of how absurd.
The modern video game has expanded well beyond the horizons of anything we could have predicted back in the days of Galaxian. We didn't know why space invaders in color were hovering over us or why we needed to shoot them down. We just accepted the premise as was and focused all of our aggression on those rat bastard purple guys that flew more erratically than the green ones.
But imagine trying to remake that game today. Elements like back story, motivation, and believable character resolution have become so commonplace that we only notice when these things are omitted. This is a good thing. But in the evolution of video games, I feel there have been a few old/really old school characters that never lived up to their full potential; be it technical limitations, budget issues, or simple oversights by the developers.
So here then to shine a little light on some of the old birds who still have some life in them, I give you eight video game characters who deserve a comeback.
1. The Bat (Adventure 1979, Atari)
You don't get much more old school that this. In case I need to explain Adventure, this was the great grandparent of every role playing dungeon crawl ever to grace the television screen. There were three difficulty levels, and going from beginner to intermediate was one hell of a spike. In addition to mazes that barely made sense and up to three giant ducks that we're calling dragons, there was the freaking Bat.
What did the Bat do, you ask? The Bat took things. Things that you needed. And carried them around while you tried your damnedest to position your graham cracker of an avatar in the right spot to retrieve the thing that you needed. What was the Bat going to do with the things it took? Nothing. Just fly around with it like a Labrador that snatches up your work's security card and thinks the list of every obscenity in your lexicon that you shout at it is an indication that you want to chase it around the whole neighborhood.
The Bat would pick up literally anything. Your sword, leaving you unarmed. The bridge, leaving you stranded. It could even carry one of the duck-dragons while it was still alive, turning its personal game of keep away into execution tag. And you couldn't do ANYTHING about it except hope.
The update
We no longer accept games placing themselves in unwinnable situations (that has to be reserved for player stupidity). As such, we need a fantasy type game like Skyrim or Diablo where weapons and treasures are plentiful and a kleptomaniac Bat is more of a nuisance than a game killer.
I suggest that the player's character is a sort of beastmaster. At the lower levels you can form a companionship with animals like rabbits, and the upper levels lead you to the most powerful creature (the dragon of course). The Bat is an optional animal to master, and one of the most complicated; probably luring it to you with only the most expensive shiny objects. But once you've succeeded in taming the thing, not only do you have access to whatever hoard it has amassed throughout your game but you're given the option of controlling it. Imagine a flight-based stealth mission to retrieve some of the coolest treasures without having to fight your way to them.
2. The Black Knight (Black Knight 1980, pinball)
My memory is a little hazy. I'm probably referring more to the sequel Black Knight 2000, released in 1989. Steve Ritchie is considered one of the all time great pinball designing gurus, with a particular flair for 'flow'. Flow, as I've only just learned, refers to those metallic tunnels and ramps that keep a ball moving in all directions without losing its velocity.
The character of the Black Knight was one of those rare characters that not only broke the fourth wall but addressing the player directly but was also self aware as a fictional antagonist. "Give me your money!" was his war cry (voiced by Ritchie himself). Interestingly enough, there was no defeating the Black Knight. Pinball machines are like most old school arcade games; there is no official ending. You play until you lose, or drop (and then lose). You may be able to defeat other players' scores but you would eventually have to give up against the machine.
The update
The self awareness is what fascinates me the most about this character. Pinball doesn't really translate to modern systems, but a lot of fun could be had from a game based on medieval tournaments. Imagine a series of mini-games involving jousting, archery, sword fighting, and whatever the hell else people did back then. You start off as a rummy commoner and have to build yourself up in prestige and skill to even be worthy of the Black Knight's taunts. He may even sabotage you a few times throughout your journey. And all things being equal, the guy is unbeatable.
However the game has a built in cheat system which you're encouraged to use until you finally make yourself invincible. When you go this route, you essentially become the Black Knight, who earned his reputation as being the best by underhanded means. Video games need to teach more lessons in ethics.
3. Crazy Climber (1980, Arcade)
This was one of my favorite arcade games even if the double joysticks took quite a bit of adapting to. You play a guy who climbs the outside of a skyscraper, while scientists throw flowerpots at you, windows close on your fingers, and King Kong's smaller scaled stand-in throws a few punches at your path upwards. Why are you climbing the outside of a skyscraper? Because. That's why.
Randomly some voice shouts "Go for it!" whenever the game feels you need encouragement. And at the top of your publicity stunt is an impatient helicopter pilot who can't be bothered to grant you more than thirty seconds to reach for its metal bars.
The update
You're playing in an open world environment like Grand Theft Auto. But you aren't shooting taxi drivers or beating up prostitutes (which instantly makes you a better person). Your thing is perilous stunt work. You're like Banksy but performance art instead of vandalism.
So your goal is to draw as much attention to yourself without ever actually exposing your identity. That means climbing buildings in the most populated areas and not getting caught. Choose your buildings carefully. And don't die.
4. Evil Otto (Berserk 1980, arcade)
Better known as death by 'have a nice day' (actually nobody knows it by that, I just made that up). So you're running around a futuristic lab with electrified walls and armed robots that mock your cowardice. And then you hear the throwback to the land before memes, the grandfather of soul crush: "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!". And a bouncing invincible happy face comes right through the freaking wall.
I can't think of a more horrifying way to go than at the squash of a maniacal happy face. The sequel Frenzy allowed you to take down Otto with three shots, which always felt wrong somehow. Of course he respawned and came at you at twice the speed, thus making him undefeatable in the long run.
The update
Okay, the gameplay of Berserk is not likely to translate directly into a 3D format, but we can still work with the basic idea. Take a third person shooter like Uncharted and set it in space. You can even simplify the premise to, you're a prisoner on board a vessel that gets attacked by robots. But Otto needs to be used sparingly, without about the frequency of Pyramid Head in Silent Hill 2. In fact, why not make him a byproduct of space madness, and give the unstoppable smirk of death deeper purpose? He can represent isolation. I swear, the message boards will light up.
5. Jumpman (1983, Atari, C64, IBM, Apple II)
Some time after "It's-a me" Mario surrendered his original stage name, Randy Glover and Epyx seized upon a platforming character by the same name that very few have been able to top. We're set on a Jupiter base where terrorists are setting bombs that require a defusing expert (I grew up in a much more casual time period). Ladders, robots, bullets you can literally dodge, and ropes that either go up or down (not both) all decorate the playing field. Amazingly enough, the levels never felt repetitive.
The update
At its core, Jumpman is a non-linear obstacle course, but in modern gaming story is just as important as mechanics. So let's develop our little guy and present him as a sort of 'everyman' in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jupiter base is a tourist center for people who want to do rope challenges and the like, but for some political reason it gets taken over by bombers while your character happens to be in the waiting area. He has to rely on his wits to defuse bombs and traverse obstacles, learning as he goes, and occasionally gaining new access to old areas. Mix Prince of Persia with Metroid Prime and you've got the playground that plays in the heads of every kid who ever saw Raiders of the Lost Ark.
6. Mephistopheles (Faust: Seven Games of the Soul 2000, PC)
Okay to put it succinctly, this was not a good game. The puzzles had no inner logic to them, at least not in their final translation. And most of the gameplay involved just clicking everywhere until something happened. It was like Myst but without the 'Aha!' moments. But the one place where the game excelled was the depiction of Mephistopheles, courtesy of voice actor Geoffrey Bateman. Meph serves as the 'devil' of the classic Faust narrative but in a much grayer area than usually depicted. He's slick, manipulative, and imposing. But he's also intelligent and charming, and bizarrely heroic in places. By his own description, he's that 'angel' who wishes to do evil but is required to do good.
The update
It would be an M-rating all the way but imagine a 3D platformer/puzzle game a la Portal where your goal is to crawl your way out of Hell. You're not given any indication of why you're there but you're given a guide in Meph, who's actively rooting for you to fail. He gives you left-handed compliments and passive-aggressive instructions. You're presumably running the gauntlet for his personal entertainment, but in the end you're very wrong. Meph is not the final boss like you'd expect, but instead you have to confront the reason your soul was in Hell in the first place, and that changes based entirely on the way you played the game and the choices you made. It's probably VERY hard to actually get the redemption ending, but if you're so tenacious you'll discover that he was in fact on your side from the beginning; just unwilling to take you by the hand.
7. Nick Bounty (A Case of the Crabs 2008, on-line)
By Pinhead Games. Please visit their site and remind them that they're awesome. Nick Bounty is a detective, somewhere on the spectrum between Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island) and Frank Drebin (specifically the Police Squad! television version). Absurd and surreal cases come across his desk: counterfeit crabs and paralyzing salt; and Nick meets every challenge with unyielding enthusiasm and more competence than one might expect from him. Like every good Private Eye, he rolls with the punches (and explosions). Nick is the optimism in his hilariously cynical world, and that alone makes him a hero who deserves to win.
The update
Oh, like I've really got something to offer this series. Point and click adventure games may never reclaim their former glory, but their souls live on in a lot of the indie developers. Nick Bounty's only two outings are much shorter than you'd wish them to be, but you can't deny Pinhead really packed in the creativity and wit. More people should play these free games and bask in the triumph that is our lovable detective. I can only hope it stirs up enough goodwill to bring us a third game, or a flash animation series.
8. Rayne (Bloodrayne 2002, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
Once Uwe Boll has put his grubby hands on it, it's over, but there was a time when Bloodrayne was a genuinely passable franchise. It was gory (want to randomly slice off a Nazi's face?), gratuitous (the slow pan around Mynce is a work of satirical beauty), and a pretty good bargain bin purchase. It was nothing special. Except when it was. Two words, Laura Bailey. I know I rave about her at every opportunity, but her voice work as Rayne is electrifying. You can hear the heart of gold subtlety beneath the (literal) bloodthirsty killer's exterior. She's driven by emotion, but unlike the complete bore that is God of War's Kratos, Rayne has complex layers of feelings. Some of them may even be positive ones.
The update
There's been a conscious effort recently to produce a wider array of strong female characters in video games, but Rayne is the kind of character who tends to provoke criticism. You tend to see her on 'top 10 most sexist' character lists, which I've always found dreadfully unfair. Yes, we need more strong female heroes; Wonder Woman couldn't have come at a better time. But we also need strong female anti-heroes. Imagine her possibilities in the hands of a writer like Amy Hennig (Uncharted), who knows how to bring out a character's core by presenting them with their moral event horizons. What line won't Rayne cross to get what she wants? Why won't she cross it? Her games always had the fun factor, but they seemed to beg for more substance than they got. I think there's a lot of life left in the old girl, and if Lara Croft can get a second reboot, why not a half-vampire?
Honorable mention: Stanley the Bugman
I have no idea what could be done with him, but this little footnote in Donkey Kong history deserves a second appearance in something. In case Donkey Kong 3 slipped past you in 1986, DK took refuge in a greenhouse, leaving poor Stanley to defend his flowers from the ape and the hornet nests DK stirs up. The game's not great, but the one thing that always stood out to me was just how stressed out Stanley looked on all of the artwork. I've always assumed he was this innocent bystander in the Mario-verse who leads a pretty mundane, if routine, life. Then one random morning he shows up for work and: What the f-? How did that even get in here? Mario is credited as an everyman character, but he's honestly a superhero compared to Stanley, who is so confused that he can only think to reach for his bug spray and do his best. I think we've all had days like that.
Our species is one of narrative. It's in our nature to weave stories; given any two variables and we'll certainly draw a connection between them regardless of how absurd.
The modern video game has expanded well beyond the horizons of anything we could have predicted back in the days of Galaxian. We didn't know why space invaders in color were hovering over us or why we needed to shoot them down. We just accepted the premise as was and focused all of our aggression on those rat bastard purple guys that flew more erratically than the green ones.
But imagine trying to remake that game today. Elements like back story, motivation, and believable character resolution have become so commonplace that we only notice when these things are omitted. This is a good thing. But in the evolution of video games, I feel there have been a few old/really old school characters that never lived up to their full potential; be it technical limitations, budget issues, or simple oversights by the developers.
So here then to shine a little light on some of the old birds who still have some life in them, I give you eight video game characters who deserve a comeback.
1. The Bat (Adventure 1979, Atari)
You don't get much more old school that this. In case I need to explain Adventure, this was the great grandparent of every role playing dungeon crawl ever to grace the television screen. There were three difficulty levels, and going from beginner to intermediate was one hell of a spike. In addition to mazes that barely made sense and up to three giant ducks that we're calling dragons, there was the freaking Bat.
What did the Bat do, you ask? The Bat took things. Things that you needed. And carried them around while you tried your damnedest to position your graham cracker of an avatar in the right spot to retrieve the thing that you needed. What was the Bat going to do with the things it took? Nothing. Just fly around with it like a Labrador that snatches up your work's security card and thinks the list of every obscenity in your lexicon that you shout at it is an indication that you want to chase it around the whole neighborhood.
The Bat would pick up literally anything. Your sword, leaving you unarmed. The bridge, leaving you stranded. It could even carry one of the duck-dragons while it was still alive, turning its personal game of keep away into execution tag. And you couldn't do ANYTHING about it except hope.
The update
We no longer accept games placing themselves in unwinnable situations (that has to be reserved for player stupidity). As such, we need a fantasy type game like Skyrim or Diablo where weapons and treasures are plentiful and a kleptomaniac Bat is more of a nuisance than a game killer.
I suggest that the player's character is a sort of beastmaster. At the lower levels you can form a companionship with animals like rabbits, and the upper levels lead you to the most powerful creature (the dragon of course). The Bat is an optional animal to master, and one of the most complicated; probably luring it to you with only the most expensive shiny objects. But once you've succeeded in taming the thing, not only do you have access to whatever hoard it has amassed throughout your game but you're given the option of controlling it. Imagine a flight-based stealth mission to retrieve some of the coolest treasures without having to fight your way to them.
2. The Black Knight (Black Knight 1980, pinball)
My memory is a little hazy. I'm probably referring more to the sequel Black Knight 2000, released in 1989. Steve Ritchie is considered one of the all time great pinball designing gurus, with a particular flair for 'flow'. Flow, as I've only just learned, refers to those metallic tunnels and ramps that keep a ball moving in all directions without losing its velocity.
The character of the Black Knight was one of those rare characters that not only broke the fourth wall but addressing the player directly but was also self aware as a fictional antagonist. "Give me your money!" was his war cry (voiced by Ritchie himself). Interestingly enough, there was no defeating the Black Knight. Pinball machines are like most old school arcade games; there is no official ending. You play until you lose, or drop (and then lose). You may be able to defeat other players' scores but you would eventually have to give up against the machine.
The update
The self awareness is what fascinates me the most about this character. Pinball doesn't really translate to modern systems, but a lot of fun could be had from a game based on medieval tournaments. Imagine a series of mini-games involving jousting, archery, sword fighting, and whatever the hell else people did back then. You start off as a rummy commoner and have to build yourself up in prestige and skill to even be worthy of the Black Knight's taunts. He may even sabotage you a few times throughout your journey. And all things being equal, the guy is unbeatable.
However the game has a built in cheat system which you're encouraged to use until you finally make yourself invincible. When you go this route, you essentially become the Black Knight, who earned his reputation as being the best by underhanded means. Video games need to teach more lessons in ethics.
3. Crazy Climber (1980, Arcade)
This was one of my favorite arcade games even if the double joysticks took quite a bit of adapting to. You play a guy who climbs the outside of a skyscraper, while scientists throw flowerpots at you, windows close on your fingers, and King Kong's smaller scaled stand-in throws a few punches at your path upwards. Why are you climbing the outside of a skyscraper? Because. That's why.
Randomly some voice shouts "Go for it!" whenever the game feels you need encouragement. And at the top of your publicity stunt is an impatient helicopter pilot who can't be bothered to grant you more than thirty seconds to reach for its metal bars.
The update
You're playing in an open world environment like Grand Theft Auto. But you aren't shooting taxi drivers or beating up prostitutes (which instantly makes you a better person). Your thing is perilous stunt work. You're like Banksy but performance art instead of vandalism.
So your goal is to draw as much attention to yourself without ever actually exposing your identity. That means climbing buildings in the most populated areas and not getting caught. Choose your buildings carefully. And don't die.
4. Evil Otto (Berserk 1980, arcade)
Better known as death by 'have a nice day' (actually nobody knows it by that, I just made that up). So you're running around a futuristic lab with electrified walls and armed robots that mock your cowardice. And then you hear the throwback to the land before memes, the grandfather of soul crush: "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!". And a bouncing invincible happy face comes right through the freaking wall.
I can't think of a more horrifying way to go than at the squash of a maniacal happy face. The sequel Frenzy allowed you to take down Otto with three shots, which always felt wrong somehow. Of course he respawned and came at you at twice the speed, thus making him undefeatable in the long run.
The update
Okay, the gameplay of Berserk is not likely to translate directly into a 3D format, but we can still work with the basic idea. Take a third person shooter like Uncharted and set it in space. You can even simplify the premise to, you're a prisoner on board a vessel that gets attacked by robots. But Otto needs to be used sparingly, without about the frequency of Pyramid Head in Silent Hill 2. In fact, why not make him a byproduct of space madness, and give the unstoppable smirk of death deeper purpose? He can represent isolation. I swear, the message boards will light up.
5. Jumpman (1983, Atari, C64, IBM, Apple II)
Some time after "It's-a me" Mario surrendered his original stage name, Randy Glover and Epyx seized upon a platforming character by the same name that very few have been able to top. We're set on a Jupiter base where terrorists are setting bombs that require a defusing expert (I grew up in a much more casual time period). Ladders, robots, bullets you can literally dodge, and ropes that either go up or down (not both) all decorate the playing field. Amazingly enough, the levels never felt repetitive.
The update
At its core, Jumpman is a non-linear obstacle course, but in modern gaming story is just as important as mechanics. So let's develop our little guy and present him as a sort of 'everyman' in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jupiter base is a tourist center for people who want to do rope challenges and the like, but for some political reason it gets taken over by bombers while your character happens to be in the waiting area. He has to rely on his wits to defuse bombs and traverse obstacles, learning as he goes, and occasionally gaining new access to old areas. Mix Prince of Persia with Metroid Prime and you've got the playground that plays in the heads of every kid who ever saw Raiders of the Lost Ark.
6. Mephistopheles (Faust: Seven Games of the Soul 2000, PC)
Okay to put it succinctly, this was not a good game. The puzzles had no inner logic to them, at least not in their final translation. And most of the gameplay involved just clicking everywhere until something happened. It was like Myst but without the 'Aha!' moments. But the one place where the game excelled was the depiction of Mephistopheles, courtesy of voice actor Geoffrey Bateman. Meph serves as the 'devil' of the classic Faust narrative but in a much grayer area than usually depicted. He's slick, manipulative, and imposing. But he's also intelligent and charming, and bizarrely heroic in places. By his own description, he's that 'angel' who wishes to do evil but is required to do good.
The update
It would be an M-rating all the way but imagine a 3D platformer/puzzle game a la Portal where your goal is to crawl your way out of Hell. You're not given any indication of why you're there but you're given a guide in Meph, who's actively rooting for you to fail. He gives you left-handed compliments and passive-aggressive instructions. You're presumably running the gauntlet for his personal entertainment, but in the end you're very wrong. Meph is not the final boss like you'd expect, but instead you have to confront the reason your soul was in Hell in the first place, and that changes based entirely on the way you played the game and the choices you made. It's probably VERY hard to actually get the redemption ending, but if you're so tenacious you'll discover that he was in fact on your side from the beginning; just unwilling to take you by the hand.
7. Nick Bounty (A Case of the Crabs 2008, on-line)
By Pinhead Games. Please visit their site and remind them that they're awesome. Nick Bounty is a detective, somewhere on the spectrum between Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island) and Frank Drebin (specifically the Police Squad! television version). Absurd and surreal cases come across his desk: counterfeit crabs and paralyzing salt; and Nick meets every challenge with unyielding enthusiasm and more competence than one might expect from him. Like every good Private Eye, he rolls with the punches (and explosions). Nick is the optimism in his hilariously cynical world, and that alone makes him a hero who deserves to win.
The update
Oh, like I've really got something to offer this series. Point and click adventure games may never reclaim their former glory, but their souls live on in a lot of the indie developers. Nick Bounty's only two outings are much shorter than you'd wish them to be, but you can't deny Pinhead really packed in the creativity and wit. More people should play these free games and bask in the triumph that is our lovable detective. I can only hope it stirs up enough goodwill to bring us a third game, or a flash animation series.
8. Rayne (Bloodrayne 2002, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
Once Uwe Boll has put his grubby hands on it, it's over, but there was a time when Bloodrayne was a genuinely passable franchise. It was gory (want to randomly slice off a Nazi's face?), gratuitous (the slow pan around Mynce is a work of satirical beauty), and a pretty good bargain bin purchase. It was nothing special. Except when it was. Two words, Laura Bailey. I know I rave about her at every opportunity, but her voice work as Rayne is electrifying. You can hear the heart of gold subtlety beneath the (literal) bloodthirsty killer's exterior. She's driven by emotion, but unlike the complete bore that is God of War's Kratos, Rayne has complex layers of feelings. Some of them may even be positive ones.
The update
There's been a conscious effort recently to produce a wider array of strong female characters in video games, but Rayne is the kind of character who tends to provoke criticism. You tend to see her on 'top 10 most sexist' character lists, which I've always found dreadfully unfair. Yes, we need more strong female heroes; Wonder Woman couldn't have come at a better time. But we also need strong female anti-heroes. Imagine her possibilities in the hands of a writer like Amy Hennig (Uncharted), who knows how to bring out a character's core by presenting them with their moral event horizons. What line won't Rayne cross to get what she wants? Why won't she cross it? Her games always had the fun factor, but they seemed to beg for more substance than they got. I think there's a lot of life left in the old girl, and if Lara Croft can get a second reboot, why not a half-vampire?
Honorable mention: Stanley the Bugman
I have no idea what could be done with him, but this little footnote in Donkey Kong history deserves a second appearance in something. In case Donkey Kong 3 slipped past you in 1986, DK took refuge in a greenhouse, leaving poor Stanley to defend his flowers from the ape and the hornet nests DK stirs up. The game's not great, but the one thing that always stood out to me was just how stressed out Stanley looked on all of the artwork. I've always assumed he was this innocent bystander in the Mario-verse who leads a pretty mundane, if routine, life. Then one random morning he shows up for work and: What the f-? How did that even get in here? Mario is credited as an everyman character, but he's honestly a superhero compared to Stanley, who is so confused that he can only think to reach for his bug spray and do his best. I think we've all had days like that.
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