Poem: Demi Caper (with apologies to Emily Dickinson)

I've probably written about thirty poems since my 9th grade English assignment in 1986. The majority of them don't really hold up beyond the adolescent mentality and a few of them are downright embarrassing. But Demi Caper is one of the rarities that I'm comfortable showing some twenty years later.

Curiously enough, this was the ONLY time I was ever able to write a poem from top to bottom in one sitting and leave it virtually untouched as a finished product.

 

 

Demi Caper

Because Life could not stop, indeed,
I kindly stopped for him.
His carriage shot the limit's speed
And vanished in a whim.

I waited patiently in daze.
How soon will he appear?
And how shall I attract his gaze
To know that I am here?

Not long. He came careening fast,
Descending from the hill.
I waved my arms. He drove on past
And left me standing still.

I brushed the dust off of my face
And pulled my thoughts in mode.
When next I find him in this place
I'll stand and block his road.

He barreled wildly, swift and free
When I stood in his way.
That bastard drove right over me
And tanked me in the clay.

Then to my feet! I chased his track,
Sweat seeping through my socks.
I caught his fender on the back
(And dragged for seven blocks).

I hauled my carcass by his side
And banged my fingers sore.
"You stop this coach! I want a ride!
Unlock the carriage door!"

"The carriage never slows," he said,
"And you've no claim to ease.
But grasp the reins from overhead
And guide us where you please."

The Unseen Kingdom (a fable with possible copyright infringements)

Here's a flash fiction piece I wrote for my 2005 stage show End of the World (on Disney property, hence the Sleeping Beauty theme). Most recently I read it out at the Hoover Public Library's Flash Fiction Night in 2012. I assume the audience liked it as nobody yelled at me to get off the stage.

 

 

The Unseen Kingdom

 

It was the age of knights and dragons. And there was a great hall. And in this great hall there was a little girl sleeping in a cradle. She was unaware of the multitude of nobles and musicians surrounding her in the great hall. She was unaware that one day she would become Queen and rule over every province and village in the land. She was sleeping. And like all those who had come from far and wide to catch a glimpse of their new princess, she was unaware of the visitors from an unseen kingdom known as the realm of the faeries.

It was the custom. Whenever a child was born, the people would invite the faeries into their homes. In turn, the faeries would offer gifts to the child. Giving is the nature of a faerie. On this day, three faeries had received the invitation.

The first approached the princess confidently and immediately selected her gift of the highest quality.

“Dear princess, I offer the gift of life. May your energy seem boundless and your enthusiasm unyielding. May your imagination soar to the heights that only the faeries can see. Let colors radiate for you with vibrancy no one has ever dreamed before. And may this gift bring you delight. Pure, untarnished delight.”

Not to be outdone, the second faerie offered the most powerful gift she had.

“Sweet princess, I offer the gift of love. May your compassion seem tireless and your kindness unending. May your heart overflow with a desire to cherish the beauty in the world around you. May you share the passions of others through the empathy of the faeries. And may this gift bring you bliss. Genuine, unhindered bliss.”

The third faerie hesitated. What blessing could follow the gift of love? But in that moment of doubt a shadow entered the great hall. This was a dark faerie. A cruel, seething, vengeful spirit, whose presence could only mean that the time for celebration was at an end.

The origin of the dark faeries is one of the more curious mysteries surrounding the unseen kingdom. Some believe that all things have a balance. Where there is good there must be evil, for every blessing a curse, and this balance will exist through the entire life span of time. Some have suggested that a dark faerie is merely a faerie who has been forgotten, or more accurately, one who is aware that she has been forgotten. For those who believe the myth that faeries were born from the first laugh it stands to reason that dark faeries were born from the first tear. But whatever their origin, anyone who has had their heart broken knows the cold touch of a dark faerie.

“How now? Could it be that my invitation to this, the happiest of gatherings has been lost?”

“You've not received an invitation because you are not welcome in this place.”

“I see. No invitation have I received, and yet, I seem to have arrived. Perhaps I never needed such a thing after all.”

“Please leave the princess alone. She's innocent and has done nothing to anger you.”

“I hold no qualms against your precious princess. I have come merely to bestow my blessing upon her. I offer it freely. Giving is the nature of a faerie, and I WILL offer my gift. Just as you have offered yours.”

To those who have tasted the bitterness of disillusionment, there are few things more pleasurable than the disillusionment of others. So you can imagine the dark faerie's disappointment to find that the princess had already been cursed. You see, a faerie's blessing is always offered with the very best of intentions, but not always leading to the best of results. The gift of life for example, imagination unbound. Heights she could never reach. Colors she could never see. Desires she could never fulfill. The princess would know boredom. And stagnation. In knowing how it felt to have life, she would know how it felt to be without it. And the gift of love? Love is a choice. We aren't born knowing how to love, we have to learn it. And we learn how to love because of fear. And fear is learned through pain. So, to be blessed with the empathy of the faeries, the princess could look forward to a lifetime of agony.

Unwilling to relent, the dark faerie considered this carefully before pronouncing her verdict.

“Child, your life will be one of misery, and only death will come to your rescue. But you need not suffer alone. I offer you the gift of absolution. Freedom from the restraint of meaningless indifferent existence to which ordinary mortals bind themselves. In your lifetime, for however long you can bear it, your pain will be known. Your grief will be heard. You will be remembered. Let these sheep see what you see.”

And then the shadow was gone.

The last faerie, the one who had not yet given a gift, was almost out of the great hall before the other two were able to catch her. Moments later she was shoved up against the side of the cradle and informed that she had the rest of her existence to unmake this folly.

She stood there for a long time, hoping for some flash of inspiration to strike her. But none came. Finally, she decided to begin her blessing, trusting that the gift would find itself.

“Little princess….I’m sorry. I don't know what to do. I can't take a gift away from you. What could I possibly have that you need?”

At that moment, the princess awakened. And her eyes opened. And she saw a funny little woman with a sweet face, wings, and a soft voice watching over her.

 

And she laughed.

Zork Elements (a list for the hardcore time waster)

For those of you who never played the game series Zork, they would sometimes take a common list (like the months of the year) and parody them; July became Jelly, December became Dismembur. Here is my contribution to the saga, obviously using the periodic table for inspiration.
It took a lot longer than you'd have expected it to.

 

 

Zork Elements

 

1.  Hydrogen                         H                             Hydroplane           Huh

2.  Helium                             He                           Squealium             Sq

3.  Lithium                             Li                             Lilithium                 Lt

4.  Beryllium                          Be                           Umberellium          Um

5.  Boron                               B                             Moron                    M

6.  Carbon                             C                             Garbage                G

7.  Nitrogen                           N                             Trojan                    T

8.  Oxygen                            O                             Oxymoron              Ox

9.  Fluorine                            F                              Floorwax                Fl

10. Neon                               Ne                           Nuance                   Nu

11. Sodium                            Na                           Grapesodium         Gna

12. Magnesium                     Mg                           Amnesium              Uh

13. Aluminum                        Al                           Alemonade            Ale

14. Silicon                              Si                            Silliclown               Sc

15. Phosphorus                    P                                Rhinocerous          R

16. Sulfur                               S                             Surfur                    Sea

17. Chlorine                           Cl                            Coloring                 Cr

18. Argon                              Ar                             Argyle                    Arg

19. Potassium                        K                             Potatosalad             J

20. Calcium                            Ca                          Coliseum                Co

21. Scandium                         Sc                           Pendulum              Pit

22. Titanium                           Ti                             Disdainium            Ds

23. Vanadium                         V                             Minivanadium      Mv

24. Chromium                        Cr                            Chromosomium    Xy

25. Manganese                      Mn                           Manganesium       Mai

26. Iron                                   Fe                            Irony                     Fey

27. Cobalt                              Co                            Kobold                   Ko

28. Nickel                               Ni                             Knuckle                 Knu

29. Copper                             Cu                             Clobber                  Cry

30. Zinc                                  Zn                            Sink                        Sk

31. Gallium                             Ga                           Gallivant                Ga

32. Germanium                       Ge                           Shepherdium         Gr

33. Arsenic                              As                           Carsick                   Tz

34. Selenium                          Se                            Millenium              Y2k

35. Bromine                            Br                            Browbeat               Bop

36. Krypton                             Kr                            Kryptogram           Kp

37. Rubidium                          Rb                           Rubicscubium       Rc

38. Strontium                          Sr                            Conundrum           Jr

39. Yttrium                              Y                             Atrium                    A

40. Zirconium                          Zr                            Snoconium            Sn

41. Niobium                             Nb                           Binomium              II

42. Molybdenum                      Mo                          Multivitamin           C

43. Technetium                       Tc                             Paramecium         Pc

44. Ruthenium                          Ru                           Truthserum           Tf

45. Rhodium                             Rh                           Detourium             Dt

46. Palladium                           Pd                           Carpedium             Ce

47. Silver                                Ag                           Sliver                     Ack

48. Cadmium                          Cd                          Candycorn             Cc

49. Indium                              In                            Endymion              En

50. Tin                                    Sn                           Ten                         X

51. Antimony                          Sb                           Alimony                 Sob

52. Tellurium                          Te                           Delirium                 De

53. Iodine                                 I                               Iou                         Ae

54. Xenon                                X                             Exnihilon                 --           

55. Cesium                             Cs                           Siezehim               Ch

56. Barium                             Ba                           Strawbarium          Sw

57. Lanthanum                       La                            Chrysanthemum     Cy

58. Cerium                             Ce                          Cereal                   Kix

59. Praseodymium                Pr                            Plesiosaurium        Pi

60. Neodymium                     Nd                           Condominium       Cm

61. Promethium                     Pm                          Frometothem         Fm

62. Samarium                        Sm                          Aquarium              Aq

63. Europium                         Eu                           Myopium               My

64. Gadolinium                      Gd                           Cataclysm              Ma

65. Terbium                           Tb                           Cherubim               Ci

66. Dysprosium                     Dy                           Explosium              Die

67. Holmium                          Ho                           Linoleum                Ln

68. Erbium                             Er                            Suburbium             Su

69. Thulium                           Tm                          Chewingum           Gm

70. Ytterbium                         Yb                           Disturbium            Db

71. Lutetium                          Lu                            Museum                Mu

72. Hafnium                           Hf                            Halfemptium          Hm

73. Tantalum                         Ta                           Tantrum                 Wah

74. Tungsten                         W                            Bitmitungsten         Ow

75. Rhenium                          Re                           Requiem                Re

76. Osmium                            Os                           Cosmopolitan       Cs          

77. Iridium                              Ir                             Getridofum            Bye

78. Platinum                           Pt                            Planetarium           Up

79. Gold                                  Au                          Cold                        Br

80. Mercury                            Hg                           Mockery                Ha

81. Thallium                           Tl                            Volleyball               Vb

82. Lead                                  Pb                           Falode                    Qc

83. Bismuth                           Bi                            Bigmouth               Ah

84. Polonium                         Po                           Bolognium             Bo

85. Astatine                           At                             Iceskating              8

86. Radon                              Rn                           Raindon                 Wet

87. Francium                          Fr                            Trancium               Tr                           

88. Radium                             Ra                           Stadium                  St

89. Actinium                          Ac                             Actinafilm              PG13

90. Thorium                           Th                             Auditorium            Sro

91. Protactinium                    Pa                            Contactinium         Cn

92. Uranium                           U                             Uturnium               Ut

93. Neptunium                      Np                           Ineptunium              Ip

94. Plutonium                        Pu                           Platonicum              Pn                          

95. Americium                       Am                          Amenrithe8thiam     Az

96. Curium                             Cm                          Asylum                  Ay

97. Berkelium                         Bk                           Surrealism             @{%

98. Californium                      Cf                            Crematorium          Ash

99. Einsteinium                     Es                            Frankensteinium   Ugh

100. Fermium                         Fm                          Fakefurmium         Fk

101. Mendelevium                Md                            Disbelievium         Nah

102. Nobelium                       No                           Nodealium             Nd

103. Lawrencium                   Lr                            Latherinsium          Lh

Scene: Grand Exit (a four minute skit for anthropologists)

I never did anything with this sketch, but it still makes me smile.

Grand Exit

Mr. Yarrow, Mr. Stookey and Ms. Travers enter a newly discovered tomb.

Travers: Did we find anything interesting this time?

Stookey: It looks like some kind of burial chamber.

Travers: Are you just guessing?

Stookey: No seriously, there’s a sarcophagus in here.

Some semblance of lighting source allows the setting to be visible.

Yarrow: It’s not a very well furnished tomb.

Stookey: See if anything’s missing.

Yarrow: What does something that’s missing look like?

Stookey: I mean look for scratches on the floor as if something’s been dragged out of here.

Travers: You know what I think this is?

Yarrow: The first run production of Our Town?

Travers: I think this is a preparation chamber.

Yarrow: (after a brief consideration) Okay, we’ll accept that at face value.

Travers: Look, sarcophagi had to built somewhere. You don’t want to lug those things across town.

Yarrow: I said I wasn’t challenging you.

Travers: You’re just trying to shut me up by agreeing with me.

Yarrow: It’s not going to work is it?

Stookey has been testing the solidity of the sarcophagus.

Travers: What are you doing?

Stookey: Don’t you want to know if somebody’s in here?

Travers: We need to determine how old this thing is before you start jiggling the hinges loose.

Yarrow: Hang on, what’s this? (he holds a lantern close to the side of the sarcophagus and reads) ‘A curse upon whoever disturbs the final resting place of King Cyaxares’.

Stookey: It does not say that.

Yarrow: Right there. That’s the symbol for Cyaxares.

Stookey: Let me see. (he takes Yarrow’s spot) “A curse upon who SO ever disturbs the final resting place of King Cyaxares’. Okay you weren’t lying this time.

Yarrow: That’s surprisingly straightforward hieroglyphics.

Travers: So this is the sarcophagus of Cyaxares?

Stookey: Or a respectable facsimile.

Travers: Do you know what that means?

Stookey: It means replication.

Travers: If this is authentic it means that we have proof that the Persians also mummified their kings.

Stookey: So this is a big deal?

Travers: A really big deal! Come on! (she hands pry bar implements to the two men).

Yarrow: And just like that we’ve all forgotten about the whole curse warning.

Stookey: That’s just for other people. Like grave robbers.

Yarrow: And what are we doing?

Travers: Exploring.

Yarrow: If this thing proves to be valuable are we planning on taking it out of here and selling it?

Travers: We’re not here to rob, we’re here to discover.

Yarrow: For a profit?

Stookey: The profit thing just kind of fell into our laps.

Yarrow: I’m just saying that if this guy’s been on hold for two thousand years he’s probably not going to be in the mood to factor our intentions into his cursing.

The sarcophagus lid flies open and a mummy sits upright, as I’m sure we were all expecting. The three silently communicate to each other to begin moving towards the exit. The mummy watches them trying to calmly collect their items before surrendering to his annoyance.

Mummy: Uh-uh. Back in here.

Stookey: We weren’t disturbing you were we?

Mummy: What does it look like?

Yarrow: It looks like we’re screwed.

Travers: Shut up.

Yarrow: You shut up.

Mummy: Silence!

Stookey: You asked us a direct question.

Mummy: I said ‘silence’. You’re already on my bad side. (Travers puts her hand up) Yes?

Travers: We really didn’t think there was anyone inside.

Mummy: It clearly says ‘curse’ on the side of the box.

Travers: I didn’t read the side.

Yarrow and Stookey: ‘Neither did we’ ‘Nope’ ‘Never saw it’ etc.

Mummy: Look, you open the box you get the curse. It’s that simple.

Stookey: We didn’t actually open it.

Yarrow: That’s right. We were just about to move you into the real burial chamber when the lid just opened.

Mummy: You’re telling me this ancient Egyptian locking mechanism which has lain dormant for a few millennia happen to spring open on its own while the three of you stood dumbfounded in the corner completely out of the way.

Travers: It could have been suction.

Mummy: What?

Travers: The door to the chamber was open for the first time since…it was closed last, and a stiff northerly breeze could have pulled the air in the room-

Mummy and Yarrow: Shut up.

Mummy: Look, whoever opens the casket gets cursed. That’s the rule.

Stookey: Actually it says whoever disturbs the final resting place. Now technically you’ve been in a temporary chamber-

Mummy: If you open the casket you get cursed.

Travers: It really opened on its own.

Mummy: I heard you prying the lid off.

Yarrow: We were dusting.

Mummy: Why am I talking to you people? The one who opened the sarcophagus, step forward and receive your curse. (Nobody reacts). Come on. Who did it? (pause) Which one of you actually opened the lid?

Yarrow: Why? Do you only have one curse?

Mummy: No, I’m just being economical.

Stookey: You can only curse one of us.

Mummy: That’s not true.

Stookey: It is!

Mummy: No it’s not! I could curse the lot of you if I wanted. I just don't want to. I’m only interested in the one who opened the lid.

Travers: Because you can only issue one curse.

Mummy: It’s hard! Okay? I don’t feel like doing more than one! Now which one of you was it?

The three beginning rambling incoherently about how none of them remember who did what.

Mummy: You think I won’t curse all three of you if I don’t get an admission? Okay how about this. I’m going to come over there and kick each of you repeatedly until two of you sell out the other one.

Yarrow: Wow, Persian history never recorded THIS tactic.

Travers: Wait a minute, did you say ancient Egyptian locking mechanism?

Mummy: I was being sarcastic.

Travers: But why wouldn’t you have said Persian locking mechanism if you were a king of Persia?

Mummy: Look, I’m a mummy in a casket. Can we just do the curse?

Stookey: You’re not King Cyaxares are you?

Mummy: I’m just- no. I’m Jeremy Bentham. Happy?

Yarrow: What are you doing in Cyaxares’ sarcophagus?

Mummy: None of your business.

Travers: As archaeologists-

Yarrow: Anthropologists.

Travers: Anthrop- whatever the hell we are. It IS our business when we discover a Persian imposter.

Mummy: First off, I AM a mummy. Second, the engraving just says not to touch King Cyanide’s remains. It doesn’t explicitly say that he’s in that box.

Stookey: You know what? Go back to sleep. (Stookey shoves Mummy back into the sarcophagus. The three leave the chamber in dejection).

Mummy: Don’t close the door! (lights go out) Damn.