Review of The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Same Thing Again

If you're planning to remake a film, the first question you have to effectively answer is "why?". There's obviously the cash-grab motivator, pre-existing titles come with a built in audience. I get that the entertainment industry uses 'industry' as its dominant noun and money pays the bills of hundreds of thousands of people. So I'm not knocking any studio executives for wanting to turn a profit.

Where I get a little tetchy is when the money seems to be the first reason for the remake. We don't need another freaking Ben-Hur, Poltergeist was fine the way it was, and dear God, leave The Goonies alone! There needs to be a nonfinancial reason behind the remake. And audiences aren't (completely) stupid, we know the difference.

Maybe a director/producer sees a missed potential in the original and decides they can correct certain errors. Maybe it's a love letter to a franchise where a superfan feels the old bird still has some real life in it. Or maybe it's a retelling of a familiar story from another character's perspective. These are three of many legitimate reasons to remake a film. They're not hard to come up with.

I don't know what goes on in the heads of people who greenlight things, but when it comes to a remake I find it fairly easy to determine when they clearly didn't know what they were doing. I heard The Rocky Horror Picture Show was getting a remake after my very thorough review last October, and I daresay I was intrigued. Putting it in the hands of Kenny Ortega (the guy who gave us the High School Musical series) seemed like a wise idea. Any appearance by Tim Curry is always welcomed. Most of all, having intensely scrutinized the original film, I began to sense that there really was something interesting happening in the story that never got fully realized. I was really looking forward to seeing the new version. I wanted to like it. But in the end, the best thing I can say is that I can fully review the film in fewer words than there are in the title.

The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Let's Do the Time Warp Again

Review: What the f**k did I just sit through?

How about that? Even had two words to spare. Welp, guess the blog's over then. I suppose if I had a shred of human decency I'd file this one and go do something productive, like pick a fight with a Trump supporter. But...you know.

So let's have a look at the film. We actually start off on a hopeful note with the screen debut of Trixie (Ivy Levan) the Usherette; an indicator that Ortega has in fact seen the stage version. Trixie presents the opening number at an actual movie theater of yesteryear, with people lining up around the block the way they used to. The iconic Lips are only alluded to at the end of the song, instead offering us a passionate journey past the concession stand and into the theater.

And here we have an inspired choice. We're watching a movie within a movie. As a celebration of the unprecedented history of the original film, we're witnessing a movie theater audience going to see the Rocky Horror film on the screen. Now I want you to take that idea and file it away for a moment, because I'm going to come back to it. Then we move into the first real plot scene, which includes the Dammit Janet song.

Right out of the gate we're seeing the energy of the movie that could have been, and the cracks that will shortly undo it. Victoria Justice is a credible Janet Weiss. She occasionally has to act certain moments that simply don't work, but you can tell she's doing everything in her power to not look like a dumbass and this first scene isn't working against her. Ryan McCartan is adequate as Brad Majors. His actor's moments hit and miss about equally. But the production number is truly delightful. Ortega moves the action to where it's clearly in the cemetery. Brad and Janet are backed up by the peppiest funeral procession since Live and Let Die. It's beaten over the audience's head that this relationship is doomed.

Here's the problem. This whole scene comes across with the timing of a parody. That wouldn't be an issue if the rest of the movie were to match it, or blend in with it. As it turns out the entire rest of the film doesn't play well with this one scene. That was also a problem with the original, although it was less pronounced back then. And here's the bigger problem. This version isn't learning from the mistakes of the original, it's taking the same mistakes and making them bigger.

In the middle of "Over at the Frankenstein Place", the movie loses it's steam. I wanted to root for Reeve Carney's Riff-Raff, and he's far from the weakest link, but he just doesn't have the power in his performance. I will say, later on he has a moment during "The Sword of Damocles" where you almost sense that he wanted Rocky to view him as his creator, but said moment goes absolutely nowhere. It's a pity, because that by itself could have justified the remake. As it stands, Carney is going to be remembered for the lukewarm "Time Warp".

In regards to the rest of the supporting cast, only Ben Vereen's Dr. Scott left any real impression on me. I still don't understand what his character is meant to accomplish, but Vereen at least makes it feel like Dr. Scott matters. Rocky is pretty. Magenta is happy. Columbia is Cyndi Lauper. And then there's Adam Lambert as Eddie, who's better than I expected but still only comes off as Meat Loaf's understudy.

One quick thing about that scene. Having Eddie come through the window as opposed to emerging from the deep freeze raises some back story questions that the film is unprepared to answer. Did Frank turn him loose? Why did Eddie come back? Oh, and here's a fundamental rubric we could gloss over in the original but it's staring us in the face now: Who the f**k is this guy? Ortega, you're pushing away this 'teenage audience' you claim to be reaching for.

Okay, it's time to address the hierophant in the room, and it really is my intention to do it as kindly as possible. Laverne Cox simply isn't Frank-N-Furter. To be fair, NOBODY is going to step into Tim Curry's heels and strut away unblemished, but Cox either doesn't understand the character or doesn't know how to use her abilities to convince the audience that she does.

Tim Curry's Frank is the incarnation of diva narcissism. It's possible his performance may have skewed the end result, but you have to give him the credit he deserved. About sixty percent of the original film's ensemble were actors strong enough to have carried the film themselves. Then Curry comes along and dominates every single shot he's in. From that group. Cox, on the other hand, is playing opposite a significantly lower tiered cast and she always seems to be a step behind. Your eyes don't seek her out. She doesn't chew the scenery. Half of the time you can almost hear Ortega's stage directions in her movements. The original felt more like Jim Sharman was obeying Tim Curry's instructions (excuse me, instruction. "And, camera on me").

Hell! The best thing I took from the remake is a greater appreciation for Curry's performance. Consider that he played the role on the stage for God knows how long. Then he plays the role on the screen. Pause there, and let's look at the film of the stage show remake of The Producers. Nathan Lane correctly adapted his stage performance of Max Bialystock for the film, fully understanding the difference in medium. Matthew Broderick (who freaking knew better) played his stage version of Leo Bloom for the film, and wound up sucking. Now back to Tim Curry. His film Frank is a series of facial tics, asides, pauses, smirks, and other stuff that would never show up in a stage production. In other words, he didn't adapt his theater Frank for the film; he built a whole new Frank from scratch for the screen. That's pretty damn awesome.

So let's go back to the audience of the film in the film. We cut to them every so often for one of the famous call backs to the action on the screen; "Great Scott!", "Two out of three ain't bad!", and a meatloaf joke that actually sneaks into script proper. Then there's a moment at the end of "I'm Going Home" when Frank nearly sees the audience that's watching her from the other side of the screen before spotting the empty theater seats, save for Riff-Raff and Magenta. It's a throw-it-in beat that amounts to nothing. It summarizes why the remake fails.

The weakest link of this film is Kenny Ortega. He had a chance to do something special, certainly not as inescapably iconic as the original film, but something worthy of supplementing the source material. He didn't deliver. By putting an audience in the theater in the movie where there is audience participation, there HAD to be a moment where the characters on the screen came out into the audience and engaged them directly. I picked up on that in the opening number, and I kept waiting for that moment and it never happened. Seriously? After all the dumb shit you had Zac Efron do in High School Musical 2 and THIS is where you reel it in?

The original film was a buffet of ideas that never really came together, but it had certain elements that REALLY worked. That's why this oddity in film history hasn't left the theater since 1975. The remake had 41 years to figure out which elements didn't work and which ones did, and how to make everything function as a central vision. But instead of giving us that, Ortega and company limited their 'tribute' to the rigidity of the original script and gave us a community theater production of the story we've already seen many, many times. That would be appropriate for a community theater. But this is a film remake with a $20 million budget. We can and should expect better, and we know Ortega can and should meet those expectations. But he didn't.

Welcome to My Nightmare 2016: A Tribute to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights

One of the things I truly miss about being an Orlando-outskirts resident is the convenient access to Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios. As far back as 1923, Universal found a niche in film history with its lineup of monsters. They may not have known it at the time, but the studio had taken classic horror literature and elevated it to a whole new level of accessibility that would in turn create the very language of nightmares on film for nearly a hundred years and counting. Every iconic antagonist that followed, from the Joker to Jason Voorhees, has a direct lineage to Universal's foundation.

So when you shell out the $183 to take a date to the annual Bill and Ted stage show, you're not just buying a handful of jump scares and a container of fried Oreos, you're investing in a long, wonderful history of disturbing metaphors.

If you've never been, each year is a kind of buffet of horror ideas. Sometimes classic monsters appear. Sometimes 80's slashers roam the streets. Some of the haunted houses are based on famous films like An American Werewolf in London and sometimes they're based on themes like fairy tales. More often than not they're original ideas centered around familiar concepts (zombies, dreams, a prison overrun by inmates). Imagine if Alice Cooper put out an album using Weird Al's template and then turned it into a theme park. That's Halloween Horror Nights.

The Orlando event is in its 26th year, and the creative team has introduced an ensemble of new characters to serve as 'hosts/hostesses' of the proceedings. Each one has had a bit of a backstory and an in (and out of) universe developing history.

I kind of like them. I mean, I don't expect any of them to really go on to bigger things outside of the theme parks, but I appreciate that Universal is willing to let some new kids play on the same stage as Chucky and Dracula.

So here then is my virtual spookhouse blog for the year (something that may or may not become an annual tradition). This journey uses the current lineup of Orlando icons that started appearing in 2000. As you might never have gotten down to Orlando, I'll introduce them while we walk.

Now I should mention, I've only managed to make it to Universal about eight times, so I haven't personally experienced the shticks of every one of these characters. But there's always tvtropes.com. Also, I've walked through castles, boats, woods, funhouses, and tombs (even received directions from a polite mummy when I got turned around). But as best as I can tell, I haven't seen them do a haunted attraction set in a shopping mall. And having witnessed the grand opening of H&M at the Galleria last weekend, the horror of a shopping mall is on my mind. Welcome to:

The Maul of America

The backstory is simple. The Never Learning Express has announced the release of its brand new Terra Queen doll (with riot-inducing limited supply). The Terra Queen was the big bad of 2005's proceedings, and prophecy states she'll only appear every fifteen years. Far be it from me to drag the ruler of Terra Cruentus out during the off season, but her likeness in plastic should be enough to get the masses riled up.

From the cue line you'll see announcement posters for Mummy Killfinger's going out of business sale, with an image of a jeweled ring around a bloodied finger, and the caption "A diamond lasts longer than you"; along with banners that read "Everyone Must Go!" and "Our Pricers Are INSANE!!!" outside the façade.

The automatic sliding doors no longer slide, as the jagged glass threatens to slam into you when you step through the threshold. You immediately have to sidestep a few mall walking deaders in workout gear whose wrist pacers have flatlined. Three of those quarter-driven toy cars for your lee ch children are left in a pileup. You pass the escalators which are quarantined off by a yellow security gate. The set coming down to your level looks like it's dripping in blood. The one going up fades into darkness, with screams coming from a figure writhing in agony at the very top step. (For the record, I don't take any pleasure in the image of somebody being ground up in an escalator, but damn it! This is a spook house!)

The Temporary Stands

A few steps later we meet our first icon; Dr. Albert Caine, better known as the Caretaker. Caine was a brilliant surgeon who took way too much of an interest in cadavers. He became fascinated with the concept of souls and began experimenting on the dead in his mortuary, and then the living. His evil seems to be based on a scientific curiosity, i.e. nothing really made him that way.

Caine appears at each individual booth, offering any manner of beautifying services to any(every)one who he deems needs all the help they can get. Be it the tanning bed (which is currently burning someone alive), a two for one deal on ear piercing (as demonstrated by the victim who has a thin spike all the way through her head), and collagen injections (I'll let you use your imagination on that one).

Radio Hack

The 'S' has been demolished. The line diverts you into the electronics store, which naturally threatens to send shocks at a moment's notice. Sales associates spring up from behind counters to offer services, and to remind you not to forget the batteries. They also inform you that with any purchases, Eddie can help you to your car.

Eddie Schmidt is one of those characters that happened in spite of not happening. He was meant to be the icon in 2001, and even made it onto the earliest marketing ads. A horror movie fan with a first draft backstory and a chainsaw, Eddie was essentially Leatherface with a Hannibal Lecter faceplate. But then 9/11 happened. Universal decided to not test their audience's tolerance for gore that year, and Jack the Clown (who we'll meet shortly) replaced Eddie as the mascot.

Eddie stalks you through the remainder of Radio Hack, and one final associate reminds you not to forget the batteries. On your way out you spot what's left of an earlier customer who is being pounded into mush against the wall by a large battering ram.

The Clothing Lines

Without understanding how, you find yourself in a department store dressing room. A hallway leads between two rows of doors AKA a Scooby-Doo chase scene, and the sky's the limit on who or what can pop out at any moment.

Lady Luck was the 2011 icon, and she doesn't seem to have any real origin story, so much as just representing bad luck itself, so I've got her monitoring the end of the fitting room area. She has three 'fitting rooms' in which to send each customer, reminiscent of Monty Hall. Each one leads to a different entrance to the clothing rack maze; tight lines of outfits that you might have to occasionally push your way through. Periodically, associates will appear encouraging you to let them know if you need help.

Groping your way out evidently takes you through multiple stores; Forever 27, Blek, The Gyp, and Really Old Navy (with some deliberate uncanny valley mannequins, one or more of whom may be a costumed scare actor), before you arrive at the sanctity of the food court.

The Food Court

Here's a chance to regroup if you've lost anybody, but you don't want to dawdle as the Meetz Meatz workers can be pretty assertive with offering you their sample trays of what looks like human entrails. You might also want to avoid the cows with chainsaws over by the sign that reads "WER DUN ASKYNG NISE".

This is where we can encounter Jack the Clown. Jack Schmidt has a needlessly complicated back story, but what you need to know is, he's a child killer, he's been brought back from the dead at least twice, he's usually in a disagreeable mood, and he's all over the food court. Buy a balloon at your own risk.

Now we're going to divert away from Starvebucks as they charge $16.50 just to get in. Likewise, we're going to stay out of Grave Clips, as the shades are drawn and the pounding and shrieking coming from behind the handwritten 'help wanted' sign don't exactly inspire confidence in the hair stylists.

The Catwalk

No we're not climbing up into an actual catwalk. This is much worse. Our only way out of here is through one of those modeling scout agencies who assure us they can make us into a star; dead or alive. All we have to do is sign the contract, and pay the paltry training fees which would offend Starvebucks.

Paulo Ravinski, better known as 'The Director', is in charge of this area. We're forced to walk down the runway toward the screen, which is showing clips from Ravinski's various snuff films, while he expresses which roles we will be perfect for in the inevitable reboots.

The Murder-Go-Round

We make it through the doorway in the screen, receiving one last jump scare from Ravinski, and wind up at the mall's Merry-Go-Round, which looks like it was left over from Strangers on a Train. It's not actually running, but Elsa Strict isn't going to accept any of our protests about not just walking through the wreckage.

Strict was the Storyteller icon, essentially every creepy old lady archetype. She may have a tidbit about what happened to the Merry-Go-Round. She may have suggestions about how to acquire a coveted Terra Queen doll. She may just threaten to cut out our tongues. The results are the same, we carry on to the other side of the  attraction.

Rebuild a Bear Workshop

The name should be self-explanatory. We're forced to walk through a store where toys are made out of different creatures and threaten to come to life at any moment. It starts out on a Teddy Ruxpin level and escalates to full on Minotaur menaces. And in the midst of it all is Cindy Caine.

I don't know why the Halloween Horror Nights icons that weren't used strike me as the more interesting, but let's talk Cindy Caine. The first draft of her was meant to be the icon for 2002, but there was a series of real life kidnappings in the Orlando area that made her back story feel poor in taste. She has actually made a few appearances here and there, but never as the official icon. Cindy is a little girl, who may be the biological daughter of Albert Caine, or may be adopted by him depending on the year. In one version, she burned down her orphanage; because premise.

Cindy is basically the female version of Damien, and her child-like imagination can bring child-like horrors into being. Universal's Scary Tales series of houses feels at least loosely tied to Cindy's mind. At some point, this girl is destined to drive the event on her own, but in the meantime she wants you to play with her new 'friends' here at the mall.

Limbo's Arcade

Rebuild A Bear connects to the arcade, which has essentially been abandoned. You weave through three rows of cabinets on both sides of you. The first row only has about half the arcade games indicating any kind of power source, but they're pretty much showing static or a vertical hold problem that makes the screen incoherent. A Donkey Kong cabinet appears to have been smashed to pieces. There is a humming sound overhead like the presence of the aliens in Space Invaders fills the room.

You turn to the second row and it's noticeably darker here. The only machine that seems close to working is Polybius. Occasionally a yellow happy face will blip onto one of the screens and a robotic voice will begin a sentence with "Chicken-" before being cut off. You'll be heading straight for a machine that looks like a Dance Dance Revolution game, but the image is too distorted to see what it's supposed to be. Every several seconds a female image appears at various distances, including a jump scare.

Row three is nearly pitch black, except when the arcades all flash a light in unison creating a disorienting visual blindness. The figure of Dr. Mary Agana (Bloody Mary) appears randomly on one of the screens with each flash. Bloody Mary's appearance at Halloween Horror Nights seems fairly reminiscent of Sadako from The Ring, may as well go for it. You make one more half turn and encounter Mary in the (actress's) flesh a few times.

Your Picture with Adaru

This is a much smaller room. The embodiment of fear (Adaru, the Sumerian God of Fear) was the 2010 icon. Meh, I suppose. I wasn't there. It may have worked really well. On paper it just doesn't strike me as particularly inspired, but whatever.

This room creates the illusion that you've accidentally gotten in an endless line for a meet and greet with Fear. To the left of you about fifteen feet away sits Fear on one of those Santa Claus/Easter Bunny chairs, looking like he would put a bullet in his head given the chance while a terrified Charlie McPherson operates the camera. Separating you from them is a series of dummies suspended from a conveyor belt bouncing slowly in an ellipse. A chorus of screaming infants echoes throughout the room. You pass a sign that suggests the wait time is about seven hours.

To the right of you is roughly the same contraption of dummies, just revolving the opposite direction. Periodically H. R. Bloodengutz pokes his head through the crowd ordering you to keep moving and not to get out of line (which you invariably do).

Hot as Hell Topic

We have to cut through the Goth-wannabe store. Be on the lookout all manner of shout-outs to merchandise of the present and past; Bill and Ted memorabilia, the Crypt Keeper, Robosaurus, you name it there's eye-candy for it.

We move quickly to the entrance where Chance is wrestling with on of the currently live models. Chance, as you may know, started off as Jack the Clown's henchwoman before being promoted to the main icon of 2016 (coincidentally the same year her expy source Harley Quinn received a new level of popularity). Chance is trying to set up the display for leather body suits -half off, and the former models (whose girdles seem to have literally cut them in half) lay strewn about the floor. She's left with Amanda, who continues to scream as Chance tightens the straps with a metal rod.

And thus, we find ourselves back in the mall's hallways (mallways?) passing the diners in a Grubby Doomsday. You might recognize Dr. Pennetti, Tiny, Knightmare, and a couple of the Treaks and Foons watching you intently from within where there are windows (and possibly where there aren't. It's at that moment we hear the announcement that due to a manufacturing error, the Terra Queen dolls will not be sold today and all mall patrons are asked to leave immediately in order to avoid the riot that has already begun at Never Learning Express. Tough break for us, huh?

The Sin-eplex

The fastest way out is through the movie theater lobby, and Julian Browning is already directing everyone through the doors with his flashlight. Friendly warning: the Usher is the last person whose patience you want to test.

The theater's lobby is a love letter to the history of Universal horror films, from Lon Chaney to the Jurassic World sequel. Don't try to sneak in to any of the movies though. The Usher is in multiple places demanding without compromise that everyone produce their ticket stubs. But you can see all of the icons that we met earlier moving about. Albert Caine has Cindy by the hand at the concession stand, and she's enjoying making the Icee machine erupt on cue. Jack and Chance are having a lover's spat about which movie to see (Jack insists Sorority Row is a chick-flick). Ravinski keeps making scowls at the posters for the Abbott and Costello films. Lady Luck keeps rigging the claw game so Eddie can't quite grab that La Llorona stuffed animal. And so on. We go out the side door past the security room, where Robert L. Strickland watches the carnage happening at Never Learning Express via security cameras. He's even munching on popcorn.

At the end of the hall we emerge back out on the street no worse for wear, but we get one final jump scare from Eel Mouth, the Terra Queen's personal servant. He forewarns us that "She is coming!"

Enjoy the rest of your evening.

The Zodiac's Labyrinth (The Signs Point the Way)

I hadn't tried doing a puzzle lately, and I thought this might be a fun experiment. For the record, I really don't foresee a future in puzzle design, but it is pretty gratifying when something I concoct holds together at all.

Enjoy!


You find yourself in darkness. You know not why, or how. There are no answers.

In front of you, two dots of a green glow appear and begin to illuminate your surroundings. They appear to be the eyes of a huge stone face. Moments later you can make out the features of a beard carved into the rock and a large gaping tunnel where the open mouth is. You're not certain, but you feel as though there may be something, or several somethings, slithering on the walls and floor around you.

A deep voice enters your head. "Greetings friend. I am Ophiuchus, the Serpent Bearer. And you are on the wrong side of the Zodiac."

Before you can so much as react, even less respond, the voice continues:

"I cannot help you. I can only show you your path's beginning. You must make your way to the end. Take only one careless step and the serpents will devour you."

And the voice is silent.

Your eyes have adjusted to the darkness enough now to understand that Ophiuchus was correct. There are serpents all around you, moving closer. The only safe path is through the mouth of the statue. Without another thought, you dive through.

1. Aries (the Ram) Fire Sign: Cycle One

Have we not met before? The flow of time is so peculiar in this place. That tunnel right there is the only way out of my chamber, and the number at the beginning of the passage tells you exactly which sign it takes you to. Although come to think of it, every time someone walks through the passage, that number flips upside down. When that happens, surely it must lead to a different sign. Well, I'm sure you'll figure it out.

2. Taurus (the Bull) Earth Sign: Cycle One

You've found me. Or I've found you. It matters not. You may very well wander aimlessly for all I care, because you lack volition. My advice? Commit. Whenever you go from one sign of an element to a second sign of the same element, ignore all instructions and go immediately to the third sign in that element. Now off with you! Back to the beginning with Aries! And don't let me find you again.

3. Gemini (the Twins) Air Sign: Cycle One

Now think carefully. I'm the twins. Which sign has the number that looks the most like me? Go there.

4. Cancer (the Crab) Water Sign: Cycle One

Oh, I mustn't impose. Please continue your path. I shouldn't think I'd even know which way to direct you. There are so many paths to choose from. If I were you, I would stay right here, where it's safe and secure. But if you insist on venturing forth, I would recommend you take the most well-traveled route, and visit the sign that your journey will take you to with the most frequency. Yes, that would be the safest way.

5. Leo (the Lion) Fire Sign: Cycle Two

Lie: I'm gone. If that were true, who would be left?

6. Virgo (the Maiden) Earth Sign: Cycle Two

There have, in several circumstances, lay undertones evading illumination -secrets implying negotiation concerning our natural susceptibility; engaging quandaries unquestioning, eventually needing to interpret acronyms literally. Please move on to the next sign.

7. Libra (the Scales) Air Sign: Cycle Two

Welcome! I feel certain we know each other by now. All things have a balance, including your path. Where you've come from must balance where you're going, but only to a point. What sign have you just come from? Take its first letter, and find the other sign with its match. That's where you must go. Unless you've come from an unmatched sign like Gemini. In that case you may use the 'L' in my name to move to Leo. Until we meet again!

8. Scorpio (the Scorpion) Water Sign: Cycle Two

The Scorpion is a creature of sadness. Some beings grow bitter through time and experience, but the Scorpion is born with venom coursing through its body. It understands not why. It only understands its ability to harm, intentional or inadvertent. There is only one living creature amongst the skies constellations fully protected from the Scorpion's needle. Please give my love to my only friend.

9. Sagittarius (the Archer) Fire Sign: Cycle Three

Yes! Tis I, the Archer! Bedecked in mine warrior's garb, I'll smite mine enemies with impeccable skill! I brave hordes of foes with arrows of legend calibrated to precisely meet their quintain! And with mine triumph thusly serenaded, I have shown thee, dear traveler, thine succeeding target! Three times, no less!

10. Capricorn (the Goat) Earth Sign: Cycle Three

Listen up! Rule of Four! I can give you the power to use the Rule of Four. What's the Rule of Four? Let's say you visit three signs in the SAME cycle (one, two, or three) in a row. Rule of Four dictates you go immediately to the fourth sign in that cycle. Now I'm sign 10, which means I've got 10. I can let you borrow 4 to use the Rule of Four one time, but that leaves me with 6 and the only way out will lead you to sign 6. If I see you again, I can give you 4 more, but the way out changes accordingly. If I see you a third time, you're stuck here forever. Sorry.

11. Aquarius (the Water-Bearer) Air Sign: Cycle Three

I am the Water-Bearer, who bears water, yet I am not a water sign. You may wonder why I bear the element of others and not my own. Alas, in doing so you would be mistaken. For if you look closely, you will find my element scattered within my very name. In fact, only one other sign shares the distinction of bearing its own element in its name. And it is to that sign you must now go.

12. Pisces (the Fish) Water Sign: Cycle Three

Congratulations! You stayed on the path. But your journey is not complete. On behalf of the celestial circle I wish you momentum and persistence. Farewell traveler, and remember: the stars will always guide you.

Happy Halloween 2016/The Carousel: Missed Direction

We've made it to October! That can only mean one thing (as far as this blog is concerned), Halloween!

I visited the Sloss Fright Furnace attraction last Saturday to give myself a little kick-start on the ghoulish cheer. And I had a lot of fun there. I wasn't blown away by it, but I really did enjoy woods trail with zombies and the maze house with zombies and the slide without zombies. The furnace tour even had a memorable 3-D section (because even though you're actually there, it's not 3-D until you put on the glasses).

So I've been thinking for a while about what I wanted to do with my blog for this year's Halloween celebration, and I got the idea to model it after something like Sloss Furnace, with hopes of turning it into something more akin to Universal's Halloween Horror Nights. I kind of did this last year, but why not build on the theme?

While I'm figuring out what new attractions to add, feel free to come on into the main hub, grab a hotdog from a vendor (like, after paying for it), and check out the $53 t-shirts I have for sale. My MTV inspired spook house from last year is open, in case you missed the walkthrough, as is the video game survival horror homage, The Twelfth Toll. Over to your right are the exhibits from the Saw franchise and the tribute to The Simpons's Treehouse of Horror series. Our main stage is showing the original Rocky Horror Picture Show with commentary by yours truly, just in time for the remake on FOX this year. And you'll also want to pick up the live recording of the Alice Cooper concert in the gift shop.

Oh, and while you're waiting, check out that tent over there. I brought Zel over from The Carousel to do fortune telling. For entertainment purposes only, of course.

Missed Direction

Zelphina huffed at the intruder's entrance, refusing to take her eyes away from her handheld platformer. "What do you need?"

"I was hoping you could help me," said the young man.

Zelphina ran her eyes down the alleged and back up, saying nothing.

"I have a problem," he tried to continue before she cut him off.

"This is a fortune telling booth," Zelphina snapped. "I deal cards, I tell you what you need to hear, I show you the door. I don't solve problems."

The young man lead himself to the chair on the other side of Zelphina's card table, earning a glare from her. "They say you're the real deal."

"Well, they'll say anything won't they?" she grumbled, reluctantly setting the device on the floor next to her.

"I'm confused. Isn't this how you make your living?"

"This is one avenue, yes."

"Well, you're not like any psychic I've ever been to."

"Of course not," she locked her gaze onto him. "I tell the truth."

"And what truth is that?"

"The truth that doesn't matter."

"Which is?"

Zelphina took in a deep breath and leaned forward, setting her impressive bust down on the table's edge. "Ten dollars."

The young man struggled to look her in the eyes. "So you'll tell my fortune?"

"If you're going to waste my time, I'm happy to waste yours."

He handed her two fives. "I thought you only charged eight."

Zelphina folded the currency and slid it down her cleavage. "Gratuity," she sneered. "Now pay close attention."

She produced a stack of seventy-eight cards and proceeded to divide and mix them together. The young man had to admit to himself that Zelphina's ability to handle cards was legitimately skillful. She had an arsenal of flourishes, none of which she repeated. And she demonstrated enough control to create the illusion that the seventy-eight large cards were in a synchronized dance.

Once the performance was over, Zelphina took a professional pause, which gave him time to realize his eyes were still wandering to the wrong place. He'd busted countless phony psychics before, and it had been two years since one had gotten anything past him. But damn, she was making it a challenge to focus.

"Eight cards," she said. "The message will appear."

"Or I get my money back?"

"I dare you to reach for it."

Zelphina flipped over eight cards as promised, in perfect succession; each one facing him with the French name written underneath:

Diable
Un de baton
Monde
Bateleur
Soleil
Huit d'epee
Imperatrice
Temperance

And she stared at him silently.

"Well?" he said.

"Well what?"

"Don't you interpret them or something?"

"What is there to interpret? Your message is staring you in the face in black and white."

He'd never once thought this about a psychic he was trying to debunk, but her personality was actually getting under his skin. "No offense, but you're not very good at this."

"On the contrary," Zelphina snarled, "I'm exceptional at this."

"Prove it then," he countered.

"You expect me to prove something to you?"

"Yes! For ten dollars prove that you're not just randomly flipping cards over."

Zelphina stared at him. He'd seen many 'psychics' give the same stare, but only after he'd revealed how they were scamming their clients. The woman across the table from his was honestly intimidating.

"Seventy-five percent of the cards facing you," she hissed, "are Major Arcana. Does that strike you as the result of random flipping?"

He nodded silently. Her point was correct, and he'd noticed that immediately. That was going to be his lead-in argument to debunk her, but she'd beaten him to it.

Zelphina fanned the seventy remaining cards out and instructed him to select one. He drew the seven of cups. She set the deck in front of him and told him to place the card anywhere in the stack he chose, and to shuffle the cards as much as he liked. As soon as he was finished, she retrieved the whole stack and did a one-handed shuffle so fast his trained eyes couldn't follow what exactly she'd done.

"Top." She thumped the top of the deck so hard the first card bounced up in the air and flipped over. The seven of cups.

In a blink, the card was being shuffled again. "Bottom." With the back of her hand she pushed the entire deck to the side leaving only the bottom card face up. The seven of cups.

And before he could react, the cards were being shuffled one last time. She thumped them down on the table equidistant between the pair of them. "Now it's exactly where you want it to be."

He refused to let his eyes glance down at her breasts again, although that would have been an impressive trick. Instead he chose seven from the top.

Zelphina rolled her eyes. "You're worthless, you know that?"

"Excuse me?" He couldn't decide if he was offended or entertained.

"You think you're smarter than everyone else. But you're no different than they are."

He grinned. "I take it you guessed wrong."

"Just get out."

"Admit it, you're a fraud."

Zelphina turned her attention back to her handheld device, refusing to even look at him anymore. "And what claim have I made to you that I've not fulfilled?"

"Well, to begin with you never provided an answer to my question-"

"No fortune teller ever has to provide an answer," she interrupted. "If a man comes in wanting to hear that the cosmic energies suggest he quit his job and pursue an unrequited love, that's what he will hear from the encounter. People bring in their own answers. A psychic is merely the excuse they use to make the wrong choice."

He was about to respond, but Zelphina cut him off again. "And in the case of someone like you who comes in without a question, it's inevitable you'll walk out as blind as you were when you came in, even more convinced that you somehow have vision."

About a minute went by where the only sound was the character sprites on her screen dodging fireballs. He clearly wasn't getting his money back, but he was at least what the seventh card from the top was. He'd counted six down and turned over the Hermit when Zelphina informed him that the seven of cups wasn't in the deck.

"I didn't say it was where you decided it was, I said it was where you wanted it to be."

Without looking up, she reached down her top and pulled out his card, dismissively tossing it on the table. He stared at the card, not sure what to make of it. Then he had a spark of insight as to why Zelphina, who was clearly in control of the deck, had laid out the eight cards the way she had. And sure enough, there it was. The message, from her to him.

He wanted to laugh with her about it, but she was done talking to him. And he left the tent without another word.