So when you shell out the $183 to take a date to the annual Bill and Ted stage show, you're not just buying a handful of jump scares and a container of fried Oreos, you're investing in a long, wonderful history of disturbing metaphors.
If you've never been, each year is a kind of buffet of horror ideas. Sometimes classic monsters appear. Sometimes 80's slashers roam the streets. Some of the haunted houses are based on famous films like An American Werewolf in London and sometimes they're based on themes like fairy tales. More often than not they're original ideas centered around familiar concepts (zombies, dreams, a prison overrun by inmates). Imagine if Alice Cooper put out an album using Weird Al's template and then turned it into a theme park. That's Halloween Horror Nights.
The Orlando event is in its 26th year, and the creative team has introduced an ensemble of new characters to serve as 'hosts/hostesses' of the proceedings. Each one has had a bit of a backstory and an in (and out of) universe developing history.
I kind of like them. I mean, I don't expect any of them to really go on to bigger things outside of the theme parks, but I appreciate that Universal is willing to let some new kids play on the same stage as Chucky and Dracula.
So here then is my virtual spookhouse blog for the year (something that may or may not become an annual tradition). This journey uses the current lineup of Orlando icons that started appearing in 2000. As you might never have gotten down to Orlando, I'll introduce them while we walk.
Now I should mention, I've only managed to make it to Universal about eight times, so I haven't personally experienced the shticks of every one of these characters. But there's always tvtropes.com. Also, I've walked through castles, boats, woods, funhouses, and tombs (even received directions from a polite mummy when I got turned around). But as best as I can tell, I haven't seen them do a haunted attraction set in a shopping mall. And having witnessed the grand opening of H&M at the Galleria last weekend, the horror of a shopping mall is on my mind. Welcome to:
The Maul of America
The backstory is simple. The Never Learning Express has announced the release of its brand new Terra Queen doll (with riot-inducing limited supply). The Terra Queen was the big bad of 2005's proceedings, and prophecy states she'll only appear every fifteen years. Far be it from me to drag the ruler of Terra Cruentus out during the off season, but her likeness in plastic should be enough to get the masses riled up.
From the cue line you'll see announcement posters for Mummy Killfinger's going out of business sale, with an image of a jeweled ring around a bloodied finger, and the caption "A diamond lasts longer than you"; along with banners that read "Everyone Must Go!" and "Our Pricers Are INSANE!!!" outside the façade.
The automatic sliding doors no longer slide, as the jagged glass threatens to slam into you when you step through the threshold. You immediately have to sidestep a few mall walking deaders in workout gear whose wrist pacers have flatlined. Three of those quarter-driven toy cars for your lee ch children are left in a pileup. You pass the escalators which are quarantined off by a yellow security gate. The set coming down to your level looks like it's dripping in blood. The one going up fades into darkness, with screams coming from a figure writhing in agony at the very top step. (For the record, I don't take any pleasure in the image of somebody being ground up in an escalator, but damn it! This is a spook house!)
The Temporary Stands
A few steps later we meet our first icon; Dr. Albert Caine, better known as the Caretaker. Caine was a brilliant surgeon who took way too much of an interest in cadavers. He became fascinated with the concept of souls and began experimenting on the dead in his mortuary, and then the living. His evil seems to be based on a scientific curiosity, i.e. nothing really made him that way.
Caine appears at each individual booth, offering any manner of beautifying services to any(every)one who he deems needs all the help they can get. Be it the tanning bed (which is currently burning someone alive), a two for one deal on ear piercing (as demonstrated by the victim who has a thin spike all the way through her head), and collagen injections (I'll let you use your imagination on that one).
Radio Hack
The 'S' has been demolished. The line diverts you into the electronics store, which naturally threatens to send shocks at a moment's notice. Sales associates spring up from behind counters to offer services, and to remind you not to forget the batteries. They also inform you that with any purchases, Eddie can help you to your car.
Eddie Schmidt is one of those characters that happened in spite of not happening. He was meant to be the icon in 2001, and even made it onto the earliest marketing ads. A horror movie fan with a first draft backstory and a chainsaw, Eddie was essentially Leatherface with a Hannibal Lecter faceplate. But then 9/11 happened. Universal decided to not test their audience's tolerance for gore that year, and Jack the Clown (who we'll meet shortly) replaced Eddie as the mascot.
Eddie stalks you through the remainder of Radio Hack, and one final associate reminds you not to forget the batteries. On your way out you spot what's left of an earlier customer who is being pounded into mush against the wall by a large battering ram.
The Clothing Lines
Without understanding how, you find yourself in a department store dressing room. A hallway leads between two rows of doors AKA a Scooby-Doo chase scene, and the sky's the limit on who or what can pop out at any moment.
Lady Luck was the 2011 icon, and she doesn't seem to have any real origin story, so much as just representing bad luck itself, so I've got her monitoring the end of the fitting room area. She has three 'fitting rooms' in which to send each customer, reminiscent of Monty Hall. Each one leads to a different entrance to the clothing rack maze; tight lines of outfits that you might have to occasionally push your way through. Periodically, associates will appear encouraging you to let them know if you need help.
Groping your way out evidently takes you through multiple stores; Forever 27, Blek, The Gyp, and Really Old Navy (with some deliberate uncanny valley mannequins, one or more of whom may be a costumed scare actor), before you arrive at the sanctity of the food court.
The Food Court
Here's a chance to regroup if you've lost anybody, but you don't want to dawdle as the Meetz Meatz workers can be pretty assertive with offering you their sample trays of what looks like human entrails. You might also want to avoid the cows with chainsaws over by the sign that reads "WER DUN ASKYNG NISE".
This is where we can encounter Jack the Clown. Jack Schmidt has a needlessly complicated back story, but what you need to know is, he's a child killer, he's been brought back from the dead at least twice, he's usually in a disagreeable mood, and he's all over the food court. Buy a balloon at your own risk.
Now we're going to divert away from Starvebucks as they charge $16.50 just to get in. Likewise, we're going to stay out of Grave Clips, as the shades are drawn and the pounding and shrieking coming from behind the handwritten 'help wanted' sign don't exactly inspire confidence in the hair stylists.
The Catwalk
No we're not climbing up into an actual catwalk. This is much worse. Our only way out of here is through one of those modeling scout agencies who assure us they can make us into a star; dead or alive. All we have to do is sign the contract, and pay the paltry training fees which would offend Starvebucks.
Paulo Ravinski, better known as 'The Director', is in charge of this area. We're forced to walk down the runway toward the screen, which is showing clips from Ravinski's various snuff films, while he expresses which roles we will be perfect for in the inevitable reboots.
The Murder-Go-Round
We make it through the doorway in the screen, receiving one last jump scare from Ravinski, and wind up at the mall's Merry-Go-Round, which looks like it was left over from Strangers on a Train. It's not actually running, but Elsa Strict isn't going to accept any of our protests about not just walking through the wreckage.
Strict was the Storyteller icon, essentially every creepy old lady archetype. She may have a tidbit about what happened to the Merry-Go-Round. She may have suggestions about how to acquire a coveted Terra Queen doll. She may just threaten to cut out our tongues. The results are the same, we carry on to the other side of the attraction.
Rebuild a Bear Workshop
The name should be self-explanatory. We're forced to walk through a store where toys are made out of different creatures and threaten to come to life at any moment. It starts out on a Teddy Ruxpin level and escalates to full on Minotaur menaces. And in the midst of it all is Cindy Caine.
I don't know why the Halloween Horror Nights icons that weren't used strike me as the more interesting, but let's talk Cindy Caine. The first draft of her was meant to be the icon for 2002, but there was a series of real life kidnappings in the Orlando area that made her back story feel poor in taste. She has actually made a few appearances here and there, but never as the official icon. Cindy is a little girl, who may be the biological daughter of Albert Caine, or may be adopted by him depending on the year. In one version, she burned down her orphanage; because premise.
Cindy is basically the female version of Damien, and her child-like imagination can bring child-like horrors into being. Universal's Scary Tales series of houses feels at least loosely tied to Cindy's mind. At some point, this girl is destined to drive the event on her own, but in the meantime she wants you to play with her new 'friends' here at the mall.
Limbo's Arcade
Rebuild A Bear connects to the arcade, which has essentially been abandoned. You weave through three rows of cabinets on both sides of you. The first row only has about half the arcade games indicating any kind of power source, but they're pretty much showing static or a vertical hold problem that makes the screen incoherent. A Donkey Kong cabinet appears to have been smashed to pieces. There is a humming sound overhead like the presence of the aliens in Space Invaders fills the room.
You turn to the second row and it's noticeably darker here. The only machine that seems close to working is Polybius. Occasionally a yellow happy face will blip onto one of the screens and a robotic voice will begin a sentence with "Chicken-" before being cut off. You'll be heading straight for a machine that looks like a Dance Dance Revolution game, but the image is too distorted to see what it's supposed to be. Every several seconds a female image appears at various distances, including a jump scare.
Row three is nearly pitch black, except when the arcades all flash a light in unison creating a disorienting visual blindness. The figure of Dr. Mary Agana (Bloody Mary) appears randomly on one of the screens with each flash. Bloody Mary's appearance at Halloween Horror Nights seems fairly reminiscent of Sadako from The Ring, may as well go for it. You make one more half turn and encounter Mary in the (actress's) flesh a few times.
Your Picture with Adaru
This is a much smaller room. The embodiment of fear (Adaru, the Sumerian God of Fear) was the 2010 icon. Meh, I suppose. I wasn't there. It may have worked really well. On paper it just doesn't strike me as particularly inspired, but whatever.
This room creates the illusion that you've accidentally gotten in an endless line for a meet and greet with Fear. To the left of you about fifteen feet away sits Fear on one of those Santa Claus/Easter Bunny chairs, looking like he would put a bullet in his head given the chance while a terrified Charlie McPherson operates the camera. Separating you from them is a series of dummies suspended from a conveyor belt bouncing slowly in an ellipse. A chorus of screaming infants echoes throughout the room. You pass a sign that suggests the wait time is about seven hours.
To the right of you is roughly the same contraption of dummies, just revolving the opposite direction. Periodically H. R. Bloodengutz pokes his head through the crowd ordering you to keep moving and not to get out of line (which you invariably do).
Hot as Hell Topic
We have to cut through the Goth-wannabe store. Be on the lookout all manner of shout-outs to merchandise of the present and past; Bill and Ted memorabilia, the Crypt Keeper, Robosaurus, you name it there's eye-candy for it.
We move quickly to the entrance where Chance is wrestling with on of the currently live models. Chance, as you may know, started off as Jack the Clown's henchwoman before being promoted to the main icon of 2016 (coincidentally the same year her expy source Harley Quinn received a new level of popularity). Chance is trying to set up the display for leather body suits -half off, and the former models (whose girdles seem to have literally cut them in half) lay strewn about the floor. She's left with Amanda, who continues to scream as Chance tightens the straps with a metal rod.
And thus, we find ourselves back in the mall's hallways (mallways?) passing the diners in a Grubby Doomsday. You might recognize Dr. Pennetti, Tiny, Knightmare, and a couple of the Treaks and Foons watching you intently from within where there are windows (and possibly where there aren't. It's at that moment we hear the announcement that due to a manufacturing error, the Terra Queen dolls will not be sold today and all mall patrons are asked to leave immediately in order to avoid the riot that has already begun at Never Learning Express. Tough break for us, huh?
The Sin-eplex
The fastest way out is through the movie theater lobby, and Julian Browning is already directing everyone through the doors with his flashlight. Friendly warning: the Usher is the last person whose patience you want to test.
The theater's lobby is a love letter to the history of Universal horror films, from Lon Chaney to the Jurassic World sequel. Don't try to sneak in to any of the movies though. The Usher is in multiple places demanding without compromise that everyone produce their ticket stubs. But you can see all of the icons that we met earlier moving about. Albert Caine has Cindy by the hand at the concession stand, and she's enjoying making the Icee machine erupt on cue. Jack and Chance are having a lover's spat about which movie to see (Jack insists Sorority Row is a chick-flick). Ravinski keeps making scowls at the posters for the Abbott and Costello films. Lady Luck keeps rigging the claw game so Eddie can't quite grab that La Llorona stuffed animal. And so on. We go out the side door past the security room, where Robert L. Strickland watches the carnage happening at Never Learning Express via security cameras. He's even munching on popcorn.
At the end of the hall we emerge back out on the street no worse for wear, but we get one final jump scare from Eel Mouth, the Terra Queen's personal servant. He forewarns us that "She is coming!"
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
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