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Minnie had retreated to the control booth. It was the quietest place in the studio since the previous afternoon, when they'd discovered Oswald's virtual world had activated. She paced on the producer's level of the booth, which was about two steps higher than where the techies were meant to sit.
At this moment, Max was the only other occupant in the room. It had been a stroke of luck that he'd been able to drop by the studios at such short notice, and bring help. Pete's son PJ was in the security room next door poring through footage, and Roxanne was down on the floor below the control booth with her feet poking out from underneath the backup motherboard.
Minnie kept glancing at the monitors, hoping for some sign that Jasmine and the others had figured out what was happening. She had to will away the urge about nineteen times to ask Max if he'd learned anything new. The trio was certainly more savvy with the current electronics than she was, and Minnie wished to every star in the sky that they could fix the problem before the executives had to be told what was going on.
Max leaned into the microphone. "Talk to me Peej. Anything on the external footage?"
"Nothin' yet, buddy. I'm only at seventeen percent."
"What have you got on the internal?"
"Ah, it's weird. I've got eyes on the Headless Horseman, but he's just kind of...standing there."
"I think the Horseman isn't actually real," said Max, taking a second to get affirmation from Minnie. "He was programmed in, based on the original model."
"He's still creepy," said PJ.
"Here's what I don't get," came Roxanne's voice through her headset. "If you can program a simulated world to accurately mimic the Matterhorn's yeti, why don't you just create a virtual version of Elsa?"
"Everyone would be out of jobs," snickered Max.
Minnie hopped down to where Max was and leaned over his shoulder. "That's come up before, but the computers don't have enough memory to program every possible dialogue tree."
"It would be a lot safer," said PJ.
"But a lot less real," Max added. "Dad always told me he was most proud of the shorts where he had to play every character on screen."
Minnie smiled at Max and gave his head a gentle rub. "It used to take him 36 hours to film one minute of footage. I never heard him complain one time."
A low buzz came from the panel, and Max fumbled around with the knobs trying to locate the source. "What's that?"
"Someone's outside." Minnie twisted the microphone's dial to the alternate speakers. "Minnie here."
"It's Belle," came the voice on the other side. "I found the information on the banshee you were looking for."
"Why don't you come on up?" Minnie suggested, switching the microphone switch back to where it was.
"-st has been disturbed," Roxanne's voice crackled over the speakers.
"Sorry, Roxanne," said Max. "We had to switch frequencies."
"Oh, I was just asking if something back here had been unplugged recently?"
Max looked to Minnie, who just shrugged. "No idea. Why? What are you looking at?"
Roxanne slid out from under the area where she'd been working and dusted herself off. "It may be nothing," she said, looking straight into the security camera. "I was just thinking. What if this wasn't a malfunction?"
"What else would it be, Rox?"
"Do you guys think it's possible someone may have sabotaged Oswald's project?"
For a few seconds nobody said anything. PJ gave a bewildered look to the camera in his room that only the control booth could see. It took Belle's knock on the door to break the silence, and it startled both Minnie and Max.
"Come on, Roxanne," said PJ. "You don't think anybody at Disney would do something like that?"
The young lady was clearly not happy suggesting what she was suggesting. "There's- how many lives in danger?"
"Ten," Minnie called from the control booth's door.
"Ten," Max repeated.
"There's ten lives in danger," said Roxanne. "Do you really want to risk ruling the possibility out?"
Minnie ushered Belle up onto the higher level where the librarian opened three books and spread them out in front of the mouse. "Here she is," Belle pointed to the glowing apparition. "The banshee."
"Darby O'Gill!" Minnie exclaimed in recognition. "I'd completely forgotten about that movie."
Belle nodded. "And if Alice said she recognized what the banshee was-"
"Then that means," Minnie picked up the thought, "information about Disney films made it into the simulation."
"Probably in the form of the books Alice and Megara have been reading."
Max blinked. "So what does that mean?"
Minnie took in a deep breath. "It means Roxanne might be on to something. There's no reason that information would make it into a virtual world unless it was brought there intentionally."
"I'm afraid its worse than the sharing of metadata," said Belle. "Alice said she knew what the banshee signified. If it's cackling the way Alice described, it may mean someone is about to die."
At first everybody reacted to Belle's comment the same way, by not reacting at all. Then in unison they all started doing something different from each other. Max went on a soliloquy that the banshee's appearance was merely ambient atmosphere. Roxanne pulled up footage of Alice and Meg's conversation at a secondary terminal and tried searching for a sound wave of the phantom. Minnie just stared at the image in Belle's book as if she was trying to will it to disappear. And PJ obsessed over a detail that nobody else was thinking about.
"Did you guys say 'ten'?" he asked. Then two more times before getting confirmation.
"Yes, Peej," Max huffed into the microphone, not having meant to be irritated but it slipping out nonetheless.
"I think it's only nine," PJ insisted.
"There's ten of them in there," said Minnie in almost a hush.
PJ started counting on his fingers. "Frollo, Bagheera, Tarzan, Kronk, Elsa, Jasmine, Meg, Alice, Maleficent. That's nine. Who's the tenth?"
Minnie gave a look of confusion to PJ's face on the monitor, then one to Belle.
"I thought it was supposed to Madam Mim," said the librarian.
"That's right," said Minnie. "It was down to her and Dr. Facilier because we wanted another magic villain. It was getting too heavy on the modern era, so we went with Mim."
"Have any of you guys seen Mim in there?" said Roxanne. Belle shook her head while PJ scrolled through the virtual map.
"She could be disguised as an animal," offered Max.
Minnie had an inspiration. "What about that thing that came through the forest, that Frollo keeps calling a demon? Didn't it speak to them?"
"Peej," said Max. "Try to find the footage right before Elsa got wounded."
Roxanne chimed in before PJ could respond. "I've got it pulled up right now."
Max rerouted the sequence to the main screen in the control booth. There was only about ten seconds of footage showing the shape of it, and it the details were blurry. Max started adjusting the color palette to try to clean it up.
Belle and Minnie stared intensely at the frozen image while the backgrounds faded in and out. "That doesn't look like Madam Mim," said Belle. "That looks more like Maleficent."
"Not quite," Minnie responded, tilting her head at an angle. "It looks more like a-"
Her jaw dropped when she recognized the silhouette. Neither Belle nor Max realized what they were looking at until a layer of details found resolution.
Max blinked in disbelief. He turned over his shoulder to get conformation of what he was seeing from the upper level. "Is that-" was all he could say before comprehending that they were more stunned than he was. Belle asked how it was even possible, although her question wasn't directed to anyone but her own perplexity. Minnie's gloved hand had already brought the receiver of the emergency phone to her ear.
"Jiminy?" she said into the mouthpiece. "Put me through to the board. There's a predicament."
Daffy Duck had had worse days, but they tended to make more sense than the one he was having now. "Leon, you're killing me." He tossed the paper clipped pages back onto his bosses desk. "These are your fingers, around my throat, squeezing the last visages of an icon into yesteryears gone by! My life is flashing before my eyes and Space Jam is no longer the low point!"
Leon remained undeterred. "I thought you'd be happier than this. You've spent decades trying to one-up Warner Brother's biggest star."
"And what has that ever gotten me?"
"Relevance?" Leon shrugged.
"And exactly how receptive to Tex Avery's stamp of 'Your Anvil Here' do you think the Wonderful World of Saccharine is gonna be?"
Leon pitched a long one. "They've got all the princesses."
Daffy sank down into the chair across from his boss's desk and let his feathered head hit the wooden surface so hard it made the pen holder bounce. "So the rabbit's gone AWOL. What do I care which studio caters to him?"
"Daffy, did you actually read the file?"
"I skimmed it. Something about some Mouse House production that he's crashed?"
"It's a virtual world, Daffy. Cutting edge technology. And Disney's legal department is under the impression that our Mr. Bunny has deliberately sabotaged whatever they're working on."
"You're kidding me, right?"
"Is it that far fetched?"
"Look," Daffy pushed himself back into a sitting position. "I'm all for the rabbit getting in a tussle with the cool kids, but he's got nothin' against Disney."
"I tried telling them that, but they think it's an ego thing."
"What ego thing?" Daffy snapped, more offended than surprised. "It's not like he's ME! He's on top of the world already! He doesn't need to put anyone down to feel better about himself."
Leon folded his hands. "They've looked at his character history and found multiple cases of disproportionate retribution-"
"When provoked," Daffy interrupted. "Jeez, doesn't anyone watch the old shorts anymore?"
"They suggest he may have gone crazy."
"Based on what? One tortoise race and some World War II gremlins?" Daffy snatched up the file and began speed reading it. "Studio executives sure don't sugar coat it, do they?" He flipped through all five pages in a few seconds and threw the packet back down. "Okay, going mad with success I can buy, but there's no way the rabbit's gone stupid. You really think he'd trap himself in a virtual world to prove whatever it is those people think he's trying to prove?"
"Be that as it may, their studio is drawing their own conclusions, and the last thing I need is to be two steps behind."
"So what's this got to do with me then? You're sending me over there to...I'm guessing, complain to guest relations?"
"No, I want you to figure out what's going on?"
"And apart from my legally binding contract that requires compliance, why would I do that?"
"Because unless they can prove that Mr. Bunny maliciously caused the crisis at hand, it's just as possible that he's as much a victim as the others who are trapped there. Which means we have grounds to send in our own representatives."
"Virtual world, eh?" Daffy snorted. "Disney always gets the fun stuff."
"So can I notate that you agreed to go without being threatened?"
"Two words, Leon. Why? Me?"
"Because if Bugs isn't holding a grudge against Disney, then someone may be holding a grudge against him. Someone who has a certain amount of access to the Disney lot, and who's crazy enough to come up with a plan that succeeds in trapping a bigger star in a virtual world. And I want said someone to be visibly bringing the crisis to a resolution before the rival company makes that connection."
"Yeah, I see your point. That does sound like me." Daffy rubbed his eyes. "Except for the part where it succeeds. All right, is there a plan or am I going Gilliam?"
"You're my best duck, Daffy. I'm not sending you alone." Leon buzzed the receptionist, instructing her to 'send them in'. A few seconds later the door to his office opened and a familiar pig, cat, and coyote proudly filed inside.
Daffy stared, waiting for a punch line that never came. He glared at his boss. "These clods?"
"You'd be surprised at what a little star power can accomplish."
"You really know how to pick the A-team, Leon," Daffy snarled, unaware of Speedy Gonzales's presence on the floor below. "We have a collective winning streak of, what? Zero?"
Leon smiled. "Weaknesses are just strengths that haven't blossomed."
"Oh, no-" Daffy pushed himself out of the chair and scurried out the door. "Don't start with that humanitarian sap!" he shouted from the hallway.
Leon chuckled before addressing the remaining assembly. "I'm counting on you guys. Try to bring him back alive."
Continue to Chapter Thirteen.
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Sunday, August 28, 2016
Tuesday, August 23, 2016
Six Children's Songs Way Cooler Than They Should Have Been
Here as adults, which most of us regrettably are, we find ourselves on occasion revisiting the much simpler yet full of endless possibilities realm of animation. I'm referring in particular to the dominant thread of western culture venomously known as 'family entertainment'. Perhaps we didn't fully think through the consequences of having our own children. Or perhaps we finally threw our hands up in surrender to that one friend who insisted that Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs was an allegory for the housing crisis. Regardless, we all have blemishes on our personal browsing history that we feel may require some explanation should the world of Philip K. Dick be a few iPhone updates around the corner.
But do you ever find yourself watching a non-Disney Studio animated film or listening to an otherwise non-descript children's CD where you suddenly take notice of a particular song? Like, it's really good? And it didn't need to be? Because nothing's at stake?
Obviously "Under the Sea" and "Let it Go" were written with an eye out for that coveted Academy Award, so it makes sense that the writers really put something into their work. But there are some real gems of music hidden away in unexpected places, because the creators pulled out their 'A' game for no reason other than the sheer joy of it.
Here then are six examples of songs in children's films or on soundtracks that are way more awesome than they ever deserved to be.
6. The Girls of Rock and Roll -The Chipmunk Adventure (1987)
I'm opening with this one because the song was never written specifically for the film in question but it's source material, The Malibu Bikini Shop, has become nothing more than an answer to a trivia question (you're welcome). I daresay I was never a fan of Alvin and the (Other) Chipmunks, and I found sitting through their movie to be a bit of an endurance test.
But then this song happened. There was something magical about it. The rodents themselves may have had too much ego to take notice of the fact that they were performing in a temple in Athens, Greece; the virtual birthplace of modern culture. But that ultimately takes a backseat to the greatest girls vs. boys stalemate where everybody wins, and rock and roll fully embraces that literally anyone can be a rock star if they feel it badly enough.
5. Where There's a Whip, There's a Way! -The Return of the King (1980)
This song is unquestionably stupid, but I need to place it in context for those of you who aren't familiar with the animated classic. I'm sure you've seen Peter Jackson's Return of the King. Did you ever wonder if, maybe, the movie could have benefitted from more songs? Maybe a 'crack of doom' theme? Or a running motif about Frodo's missing finger? Or better yet, an inspirational chorus about how easy it is not to try! Yeah, you can't really blame them for doing what was expected in an animated feature, but you can't really keep from laughing either.
So imagine if halfway through the shooting of one of his films, Ed Wood had a horrible realization of where his talents lay, and instead of pulling the plug he opted to double down and really GO for it. That's this song. Not only does it present the orcs in an oddly sympathetic light, not only does it compel you to get out of your chair and march to it, not ONLY is it the one thing about this film that everyone will remember until the end of time; but the fairly high profile 1998 Hercules & Xena animated movie tried so hard to give the Titans a song worthy to stand in Where There's a Whip's shadow. And failed. And you call yourself a Titan!
4. Just For a Taste of Honey -Marie Cain; Winnie the Pooh: Take My Hand (1995)
I don't know who you are since you never leave me any comments, but odds are that you weren't inside Eeyore's head for six years like I was. And I'm not talking about dealing with depression, I mean literally inside a fiberglass donkey head with a chinstrap and headgear. For six years. Listening to freaking Kathie Lee Gifford sing the freaking Kanga-Roo Hop day in and day out.
This soundtrack was the music every single one of the Walt Disney World theme parks played as a backdrop to the creatures from the Hundred Acre Woods. Do you know how many damned lullabies there are on this CD? But then we'd get to the good section, starting with Randy Crenshaw's "Owl's Song" and ending with Marie Cain's "Just For a Taste of Honey".
Determination may not be the first adjective that comes to mind in describing silly old Winnipeg, but when you see him make up his mind he's as relentless as Jason Voorhees (probably the premise of the live-action movie Disney is planning). And this song summarizes an unbridled drive. And it's beautiful. If music theory has tropes, this song uses them flawlessly, from the chord composition to bridge. Music can be so utterly simple, yet so powerful.
3. The Ghost is Here -Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island (1998)
I seem destined to keep revisiting the Scooby-Doo franchise. I'm not complaining, just plugging some of my other blogs. But here's a little History Inc. for you uncultured hooligans. The first wave of Scooby took the Zoinks Generation from 1969 to the mid-eighties, which was the first real peak and crash of modern nerd culture. The Ghostbusters, the DeLorean, the Atari cartridge; you name it, it came and went. But then that generation grew up, and started infesting the system we'd been raised by. And many of the icons that mattered to us as kids suddenly found themselves upgraded.
Scooby-Doo is now a multi-million (possibly billion) dollar franchise, but in 1998 this was far from a sure thing. Part homage, part experiment, Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island treated us to a more thoroughly animated climax to a mostly off-camera mystery, followed by a time jump, a get-the-band-back-together sequence, and then a mystery solving montage set to this song. It's great for a few reasons. One, it's three solved mysteries in a span of about a minute. Two, it tells you everything you need to know about the characters, in case you're new to the premise. And three, it's an original song. A Scooby-Doo action song about the Scooby gang, demonstrating that not only is there still life in the old Mystery Machine but there's a whole new meta-layer with which we're going to be having quite a lot of fun over the next decade and beyond. And, oh yeah, four, the song does not leave your head. Ever.
2. Who Do You Think You Are? -Sandy Howell/Jennifer Cihi; Sailor Moon & the Scouts: Luna Rock (1999)
Ah, Sailor Moon. Every team-of-magical-girl story wants to be you. How in the Weird Sister hell did this ever work as well as it did? Even when the series failed, it still worked. Maybe that's the charm of it. Just like we're rooting for a heroine who winds up on her butt as often as her feet, we find ourselves cheering this anime dub of inconsistent quality on even as it falls apart.
The first CD from the show somehow MADE you like it, no matter how confused you were by the attachment. Luna Rock was even more of an oddity, with tracks ranging from uncontrollably danceable (I Want Someone to Love) to eye-gougingly inane (Daddy's Girl). But the apex has to be this bratty Sailor-snipe between Serena and Raye. It is a dumb concept that is executed with such finesse you can't help but take your hat off to it. Why, in the name of the moon, did this never appear in the series?
1. Parade Float -Jess Harnell; The Looney Tunes Show (2013)
A buddy of mine (and ex-Dungeon Master) once suggested that you could treat a commercial jingle as a company's charisma check. A successful roll would make you remember the product and to a certain degree not mind having the melody forever etched into your cranium (i.e. "Sometimes you feel like a nut"). But then there are those jingles that roll a natural one, like the Diesel Driving Academy. These are the epic songs that get you so pumped you feel like you need to go out and arm wrestle a bear.
I have driven multiple parade floats. None of them were large enough to contain my hatred of them, and as such I now hate the pavement beneath parade floats as well as any daffodils unfortunate enough to grow in the nearby vicinity. But the one thing that has ever temporarily stopped me from hating parade floats is this song.
The Looney Tunes Show was definitely more hit than miss, and it's strangely refreshing to see Daffy Duck "winning" purely on the grounds that he believes he is. And with a singer like Jess Harnell doing a damn fine Tom Jones emulation, singing the hell out of lyrics that can't decide if they're proud or humiliated by the titular vehicle, "Parade Float" manages to create its own reality where it is, in fact, the greatest thing imaginable.
But do you ever find yourself watching a non-Disney Studio animated film or listening to an otherwise non-descript children's CD where you suddenly take notice of a particular song? Like, it's really good? And it didn't need to be? Because nothing's at stake?
Obviously "Under the Sea" and "Let it Go" were written with an eye out for that coveted Academy Award, so it makes sense that the writers really put something into their work. But there are some real gems of music hidden away in unexpected places, because the creators pulled out their 'A' game for no reason other than the sheer joy of it.
Here then are six examples of songs in children's films or on soundtracks that are way more awesome than they ever deserved to be.
6. The Girls of Rock and Roll -The Chipmunk Adventure (1987)
I'm opening with this one because the song was never written specifically for the film in question but it's source material, The Malibu Bikini Shop, has become nothing more than an answer to a trivia question (you're welcome). I daresay I was never a fan of Alvin and the (Other) Chipmunks, and I found sitting through their movie to be a bit of an endurance test.
But then this song happened. There was something magical about it. The rodents themselves may have had too much ego to take notice of the fact that they were performing in a temple in Athens, Greece; the virtual birthplace of modern culture. But that ultimately takes a backseat to the greatest girls vs. boys stalemate where everybody wins, and rock and roll fully embraces that literally anyone can be a rock star if they feel it badly enough.
5. Where There's a Whip, There's a Way! -The Return of the King (1980)
This song is unquestionably stupid, but I need to place it in context for those of you who aren't familiar with the animated classic. I'm sure you've seen Peter Jackson's Return of the King. Did you ever wonder if, maybe, the movie could have benefitted from more songs? Maybe a 'crack of doom' theme? Or a running motif about Frodo's missing finger? Or better yet, an inspirational chorus about how easy it is not to try! Yeah, you can't really blame them for doing what was expected in an animated feature, but you can't really keep from laughing either.
So imagine if halfway through the shooting of one of his films, Ed Wood had a horrible realization of where his talents lay, and instead of pulling the plug he opted to double down and really GO for it. That's this song. Not only does it present the orcs in an oddly sympathetic light, not only does it compel you to get out of your chair and march to it, not ONLY is it the one thing about this film that everyone will remember until the end of time; but the fairly high profile 1998 Hercules & Xena animated movie tried so hard to give the Titans a song worthy to stand in Where There's a Whip's shadow. And failed. And you call yourself a Titan!
4. Just For a Taste of Honey -Marie Cain; Winnie the Pooh: Take My Hand (1995)
I don't know who you are since you never leave me any comments, but odds are that you weren't inside Eeyore's head for six years like I was. And I'm not talking about dealing with depression, I mean literally inside a fiberglass donkey head with a chinstrap and headgear. For six years. Listening to freaking Kathie Lee Gifford sing the freaking Kanga-Roo Hop day in and day out.
This soundtrack was the music every single one of the Walt Disney World theme parks played as a backdrop to the creatures from the Hundred Acre Woods. Do you know how many damned lullabies there are on this CD? But then we'd get to the good section, starting with Randy Crenshaw's "Owl's Song" and ending with Marie Cain's "Just For a Taste of Honey".
Determination may not be the first adjective that comes to mind in describing silly old Winnipeg, but when you see him make up his mind he's as relentless as Jason Voorhees (probably the premise of the live-action movie Disney is planning). And this song summarizes an unbridled drive. And it's beautiful. If music theory has tropes, this song uses them flawlessly, from the chord composition to bridge. Music can be so utterly simple, yet so powerful.
3. The Ghost is Here -Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island (1998)
I seem destined to keep revisiting the Scooby-Doo franchise. I'm not complaining, just plugging some of my other blogs. But here's a little History Inc. for you uncultured hooligans. The first wave of Scooby took the Zoinks Generation from 1969 to the mid-eighties, which was the first real peak and crash of modern nerd culture. The Ghostbusters, the DeLorean, the Atari cartridge; you name it, it came and went. But then that generation grew up, and started infesting the system we'd been raised by. And many of the icons that mattered to us as kids suddenly found themselves upgraded.
Scooby-Doo is now a multi-million (possibly billion) dollar franchise, but in 1998 this was far from a sure thing. Part homage, part experiment, Scooby-Doo On Zombie Island treated us to a more thoroughly animated climax to a mostly off-camera mystery, followed by a time jump, a get-the-band-back-together sequence, and then a mystery solving montage set to this song. It's great for a few reasons. One, it's three solved mysteries in a span of about a minute. Two, it tells you everything you need to know about the characters, in case you're new to the premise. And three, it's an original song. A Scooby-Doo action song about the Scooby gang, demonstrating that not only is there still life in the old Mystery Machine but there's a whole new meta-layer with which we're going to be having quite a lot of fun over the next decade and beyond. And, oh yeah, four, the song does not leave your head. Ever.
2. Who Do You Think You Are? -Sandy Howell/Jennifer Cihi; Sailor Moon & the Scouts: Luna Rock (1999)
Ah, Sailor Moon. Every team-of-magical-girl story wants to be you. How in the Weird Sister hell did this ever work as well as it did? Even when the series failed, it still worked. Maybe that's the charm of it. Just like we're rooting for a heroine who winds up on her butt as often as her feet, we find ourselves cheering this anime dub of inconsistent quality on even as it falls apart.
The first CD from the show somehow MADE you like it, no matter how confused you were by the attachment. Luna Rock was even more of an oddity, with tracks ranging from uncontrollably danceable (I Want Someone to Love) to eye-gougingly inane (Daddy's Girl). But the apex has to be this bratty Sailor-snipe between Serena and Raye. It is a dumb concept that is executed with such finesse you can't help but take your hat off to it. Why, in the name of the moon, did this never appear in the series?
1. Parade Float -Jess Harnell; The Looney Tunes Show (2013)
A buddy of mine (and ex-Dungeon Master) once suggested that you could treat a commercial jingle as a company's charisma check. A successful roll would make you remember the product and to a certain degree not mind having the melody forever etched into your cranium (i.e. "Sometimes you feel like a nut"). But then there are those jingles that roll a natural one, like the Diesel Driving Academy. These are the epic songs that get you so pumped you feel like you need to go out and arm wrestle a bear.
I have driven multiple parade floats. None of them were large enough to contain my hatred of them, and as such I now hate the pavement beneath parade floats as well as any daffodils unfortunate enough to grow in the nearby vicinity. But the one thing that has ever temporarily stopped me from hating parade floats is this song.
The Looney Tunes Show was definitely more hit than miss, and it's strangely refreshing to see Daffy Duck "winning" purely on the grounds that he believes he is. And with a singer like Jess Harnell doing a damn fine Tom Jones emulation, singing the hell out of lyrics that can't decide if they're proud or humiliated by the titular vehicle, "Parade Float" manages to create its own reality where it is, in fact, the greatest thing imaginable.
Wednesday, August 17, 2016
Chasing the Rabbit: Chapter Eleven -A Rude Awakening
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Jasmine and Bagheera emerged from the forest onto the beach. Kronk had worked diligently trying to repair the shelter but the damage was clear. "We heard thunder. What happened?" Jasmine asked him.
"A demon!" shouted Frollo from the shade of a nearby tree. "That's what happened!"
Kronk glanced at Frollo then back to Jasmine. "Frollo says it's a demon. About yea tall. Looked like a shadow with horns." The big man pointed at the spot where the apparition had appeared. "I thought it might be a deer."
Bagheera inquired if anyone was hurt at the same time Jasmine asked where Elsa was. Kronk started bringing them up to speed before Frollo interrupted again. "It's this cursed island!" he insisted. "It's cursed!"
"Yeah," replied Kronk. "You said 'cursed' twice there."
Frollo stormed over to the crude structure, ignoring Kronk's efforts. "This!" He shoved out one of the support beams causing the makeshift roof to sink inwards. It wasn't the visual punctuation he'd been aiming for, but his point was made nonetheless. "This is futile! We don't need shelter! We need to get away from this place!"
"And where do you think there is to go?" said Jasmine. "Do you think the open ocean would be kinder?"
Frollo pulled himself up to his full height so he could look down at Jasmine. "Little girl, I've seen things."
"We've all seen things." She stepped around him to engage Kronk again. "Which way did Tarzan take Elsa?"
Kronk gestured towards the closest mountain range. "You know, whatever that thing was, it told us to run."
"It spoke?"
Kronk nodded. "Came through. Made eye contact. Said 'Run!' And then the cabin split apart."
Jasmine shot Frollo a look. "That's awfully considerate of a demon."
"I know what I saw!" barked Frollo.
"And you're also doing nothing!"
Bagheera snickered to himself. Jasmine had certainly gotten the upper hand on that argument. The panther was secretly hoping the humans would come to the conclusion on their own that Frollo was dead weight, and they'd all be better off without him. But he'd also come to accept the reality that man was a pack animal. So it came as no surprise to him when Jasmine announced she was going after Tarzan and Elsa. "I'd better come along then," said the cat.
Kronk dropped his club on the ground. "Yeah, me too." He turned to Frollo who was still grumbling. "You coming, big guy?"
The forceful 'no' came as expected, and Jasmine led her party out of sight.
"Fools," muttered Frollo once they were gone. They could fumble around in the wilderness all they wanted. It would be their own lives with which they were gambling. He wanted no part of it.
So what was he going to do then? There was the small building just up the beach that he'd previously claimed as his own before everyone started showing up. He thought he might lock himself away in it. Of course there was no door but he could probably find enough rocks around the beach to build a barricade.
Frollo started walking. The distance from where he was to his destination seemed longer than before. Perhaps it was the uncompromising tide that that kept dousing the sand, but it felt like his feet were sinking deeper with each step than they actually were. He pressed on through sheer grit before having to lean against a huge rock to catch his breath.
"You fools!" he bellowed again towards the now vacated spot Jasmine and the others had been. Leaving and old man like him to the wilderness, it was on their heads if something happened to him.
A wave lapped at Frollo's ankles, and he got this unpleasant notion in his head that the ocean was tasting him. He tried stepping away, but the suction underneath his foot held him in place. Frollo jerked with all of his strength and spilled himself sideways into the dry sand. "Curse this island!" He struggled to his feet, flailing sand everywhere including in his own mouth. "Curse this wretched island!" he spat.
There was an explosion. Coming from the direction of the mountain range. The peak was surrounded by a cloud of blackness that had not been there moments before. And from within came the screech of some...creature. Some ancient bird from Hell itself. Every instinct in Frollo told him to turn away, but his eyes became transfixed on the orange glow that penetrated the cloud. From two places. Eyes. Staring into his soul.
He uncontrollably mouthed the words "What the devil?" as his voice failed him. The creature's destruction was spreading. Burning the trees. And heading straight for him. And Frollo was frozen in his spot.
"Run you idiot!" came the voice of another. It was the panther. Frollo hadn't been aware of the beast's approach. The other two were close behind, running for dear life.
"Kronk!" called Jasmine. "Grab Frollo!"
The large man gave her a quick salute. "On it!"
Frollo found himself lifted off the ground with Kronk's shoulder bouncing violently into his abdomen. But all Frollo could focus on was the wave of molten mass that was inevitably going to outrun them. He closed his eyes, feeling the heat licking at his face. Then a flash of a memory. Something he'd forgotten. Some terrible, terrible sense that he'd been in this situation before. "God have mercy-" was all he could say before he felt his body immersed in the ocean and his mouth filled with sea water.
Meg had been fruitlessly poring through one of the many books the mansion had to offer when she felt a distant tremor. The overhead chandelier was wobbling ever so slightly. She looked across the grand table at Alice, who'd been flipping through a stack at three times Meg's speed. "Did you feel that?"
Alice nodded. "If Maleficent speaks the truth about this place, we may be in danger from the elements themselves."
Meg shut the book with an audible thump and tossed it aside. "Okay, I'm through fumbling around in the darkness."
"What do you propose, Miss Meg?"
"We need a plan. Anything to improve our odds."
"Would it not be more advisable to remain where we are? At least one person knows we're here."
The two of them froze as another sound rolled from the direction of the tremor. It was very far away from them, but it was unmistakably inhuman; part song, part laugh, but more haunting than anything. They waited silently for the apparition to subside before speaking again.
"Lilies," Meg leaned forward, "Maleficent doesn't care about us. We're only going to see her again if she thinks we're valuable, or expendable."
"So you view her as a chess master," said Alice. "And we're her pawns?"
"I don't know what that means, but for the foreseeable future it looks like it's just us."
Alice turned the book she's been looking at around so it faced Meg and slid it over to her. "Miss Meg, can you read the words on the third line?"
Meg glanced down at the utter nonsense in front of her. "Yes. It means nothing."
"Can you humor me? I'm testing a theory."
Meg grumbled as she took the book. "Zip-a-dee-" She shot Alice a glare. "Doo-dah?"
"Please, Miss Meg. It's important."
Meg rolled her eyes and kept reading. "Zip-a-dee-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day."
Alice slowly lowered her eyes.
"Is that good enough for you?" asked Meg.
"Yes," Alice answered in a hush. "That settles it."
"What settles what?"
"If you're reading it the same way I am, this isn't a dream."
Meg threw her hands up. "That's what I've been telling you! How are you still-"
She cut herself off when tears appeared in Alice's eyes. Oh good move Meg, she thought. I just broke the soul of a twelve year old.
Meg came around the table to put her arms around Alice, who trembled in the embrace. "Doll," she said, "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm sorry."
"I just held onto hope that this was all a dream," Alice whimpered,
"Yeah, you've got to hold onto something."
"I'm frightened, Miss Meg."
Meg gave her a gentle squeeze. "Me too, kid. It's why I've been lashing out. And it's really not helping, is it?"
"I know what that was out there, Miss Meg. That wailing?" Alice swallowed hard. "That was a banshee."
Meg smiled. "I've seen worse than banshees."
"It's not what a banshee is, but what it prefaces that could prove disagreeable."
Meg helped Alice up from the seat. "Then we agree to disagree."
Alice looked up at her, still with sadness in her eyes but a small giggle in her throat. "I'm glad I don't have to be alone, Miss Meg."
"And I'm grateful to be trapped with somebody smarter than me," Meg winked.
Continue to Chapter Twelve
Return to the table of contents.
Jasmine and Bagheera emerged from the forest onto the beach. Kronk had worked diligently trying to repair the shelter but the damage was clear. "We heard thunder. What happened?" Jasmine asked him.
"A demon!" shouted Frollo from the shade of a nearby tree. "That's what happened!"
Kronk glanced at Frollo then back to Jasmine. "Frollo says it's a demon. About yea tall. Looked like a shadow with horns." The big man pointed at the spot where the apparition had appeared. "I thought it might be a deer."
Bagheera inquired if anyone was hurt at the same time Jasmine asked where Elsa was. Kronk started bringing them up to speed before Frollo interrupted again. "It's this cursed island!" he insisted. "It's cursed!"
"Yeah," replied Kronk. "You said 'cursed' twice there."
Frollo stormed over to the crude structure, ignoring Kronk's efforts. "This!" He shoved out one of the support beams causing the makeshift roof to sink inwards. It wasn't the visual punctuation he'd been aiming for, but his point was made nonetheless. "This is futile! We don't need shelter! We need to get away from this place!"
"And where do you think there is to go?" said Jasmine. "Do you think the open ocean would be kinder?"
Frollo pulled himself up to his full height so he could look down at Jasmine. "Little girl, I've seen things."
"We've all seen things." She stepped around him to engage Kronk again. "Which way did Tarzan take Elsa?"
Kronk gestured towards the closest mountain range. "You know, whatever that thing was, it told us to run."
"It spoke?"
Kronk nodded. "Came through. Made eye contact. Said 'Run!' And then the cabin split apart."
Jasmine shot Frollo a look. "That's awfully considerate of a demon."
"I know what I saw!" barked Frollo.
"And you're also doing nothing!"
Bagheera snickered to himself. Jasmine had certainly gotten the upper hand on that argument. The panther was secretly hoping the humans would come to the conclusion on their own that Frollo was dead weight, and they'd all be better off without him. But he'd also come to accept the reality that man was a pack animal. So it came as no surprise to him when Jasmine announced she was going after Tarzan and Elsa. "I'd better come along then," said the cat.
Kronk dropped his club on the ground. "Yeah, me too." He turned to Frollo who was still grumbling. "You coming, big guy?"
The forceful 'no' came as expected, and Jasmine led her party out of sight.
"Fools," muttered Frollo once they were gone. They could fumble around in the wilderness all they wanted. It would be their own lives with which they were gambling. He wanted no part of it.
So what was he going to do then? There was the small building just up the beach that he'd previously claimed as his own before everyone started showing up. He thought he might lock himself away in it. Of course there was no door but he could probably find enough rocks around the beach to build a barricade.
Frollo started walking. The distance from where he was to his destination seemed longer than before. Perhaps it was the uncompromising tide that that kept dousing the sand, but it felt like his feet were sinking deeper with each step than they actually were. He pressed on through sheer grit before having to lean against a huge rock to catch his breath.
"You fools!" he bellowed again towards the now vacated spot Jasmine and the others had been. Leaving and old man like him to the wilderness, it was on their heads if something happened to him.
A wave lapped at Frollo's ankles, and he got this unpleasant notion in his head that the ocean was tasting him. He tried stepping away, but the suction underneath his foot held him in place. Frollo jerked with all of his strength and spilled himself sideways into the dry sand. "Curse this island!" He struggled to his feet, flailing sand everywhere including in his own mouth. "Curse this wretched island!" he spat.
There was an explosion. Coming from the direction of the mountain range. The peak was surrounded by a cloud of blackness that had not been there moments before. And from within came the screech of some...creature. Some ancient bird from Hell itself. Every instinct in Frollo told him to turn away, but his eyes became transfixed on the orange glow that penetrated the cloud. From two places. Eyes. Staring into his soul.
He uncontrollably mouthed the words "What the devil?" as his voice failed him. The creature's destruction was spreading. Burning the trees. And heading straight for him. And Frollo was frozen in his spot.
"Run you idiot!" came the voice of another. It was the panther. Frollo hadn't been aware of the beast's approach. The other two were close behind, running for dear life.
"Kronk!" called Jasmine. "Grab Frollo!"
The large man gave her a quick salute. "On it!"
Frollo found himself lifted off the ground with Kronk's shoulder bouncing violently into his abdomen. But all Frollo could focus on was the wave of molten mass that was inevitably going to outrun them. He closed his eyes, feeling the heat licking at his face. Then a flash of a memory. Something he'd forgotten. Some terrible, terrible sense that he'd been in this situation before. "God have mercy-" was all he could say before he felt his body immersed in the ocean and his mouth filled with sea water.
Meg had been fruitlessly poring through one of the many books the mansion had to offer when she felt a distant tremor. The overhead chandelier was wobbling ever so slightly. She looked across the grand table at Alice, who'd been flipping through a stack at three times Meg's speed. "Did you feel that?"
Alice nodded. "If Maleficent speaks the truth about this place, we may be in danger from the elements themselves."
Meg shut the book with an audible thump and tossed it aside. "Okay, I'm through fumbling around in the darkness."
"What do you propose, Miss Meg?"
"We need a plan. Anything to improve our odds."
"Would it not be more advisable to remain where we are? At least one person knows we're here."
The two of them froze as another sound rolled from the direction of the tremor. It was very far away from them, but it was unmistakably inhuman; part song, part laugh, but more haunting than anything. They waited silently for the apparition to subside before speaking again.
"Lilies," Meg leaned forward, "Maleficent doesn't care about us. We're only going to see her again if she thinks we're valuable, or expendable."
"So you view her as a chess master," said Alice. "And we're her pawns?"
"I don't know what that means, but for the foreseeable future it looks like it's just us."
Alice turned the book she's been looking at around so it faced Meg and slid it over to her. "Miss Meg, can you read the words on the third line?"
Meg glanced down at the utter nonsense in front of her. "Yes. It means nothing."
"Can you humor me? I'm testing a theory."
Meg grumbled as she took the book. "Zip-a-dee-" She shot Alice a glare. "Doo-dah?"
"Please, Miss Meg. It's important."
Meg rolled her eyes and kept reading. "Zip-a-dee-ay. My, oh my, what a wonderful day."
Alice slowly lowered her eyes.
"Is that good enough for you?" asked Meg.
"Yes," Alice answered in a hush. "That settles it."
"What settles what?"
"If you're reading it the same way I am, this isn't a dream."
Meg threw her hands up. "That's what I've been telling you! How are you still-"
She cut herself off when tears appeared in Alice's eyes. Oh good move Meg, she thought. I just broke the soul of a twelve year old.
Meg came around the table to put her arms around Alice, who trembled in the embrace. "Doll," she said, "I shouldn't have snapped at you like that. I'm sorry."
"I just held onto hope that this was all a dream," Alice whimpered,
"Yeah, you've got to hold onto something."
"I'm frightened, Miss Meg."
Meg gave her a gentle squeeze. "Me too, kid. It's why I've been lashing out. And it's really not helping, is it?"
"I know what that was out there, Miss Meg. That wailing?" Alice swallowed hard. "That was a banshee."
Meg smiled. "I've seen worse than banshees."
"It's not what a banshee is, but what it prefaces that could prove disagreeable."
Meg helped Alice up from the seat. "Then we agree to disagree."
Alice looked up at her, still with sadness in her eyes but a small giggle in her throat. "I'm glad I don't have to be alone, Miss Meg."
"And I'm grateful to be trapped with somebody smarter than me," Meg winked.
Continue to Chapter Twelve
Return to the table of contents.
Thursday, August 11, 2016
Batman Minus Batman
Have you noticed that everything is coming up Batman lately? Somewhere in the midst of Suicide Squad, The Killing Joke, previews to The Justice League and The Lego Batman Movie, and the release of Batman v Superman it seems costume shops are going to have a run on the cape and cowl this October.
I saw Suicide Squad over the weekend, and I quite enjoyed it despite the ongoing list of things wrong with it. It honestly boiled down to Harley Quinn. As long as they got her right (enough) just about any other issue, or series of, could be forgiven. And fortunately they got her right (enough).
The rest of the film was kind of silly, and kind of imbalanced regarding pace. The story was more of an excuse than a plot line. Will Smith: Great! Viola Davis: Awesome! Jared Leto: whatever. And then there was Margot Robbie who dazzled as Harley. The rest of the ensemble was hit and miss with no real bulls-eyes, although I have to stress it was no fault of the cast members themselves. Overall, it was pretty good. Yes, DC is getting to the extended universe party late and it shows, but they really are trying. And I really keep rooting for them.
I also saw Batman: Under the Red Hood this week, which was impressively dark and poignant. It didn't really feel like the dream team of voice actors, but the writing was so good that it got me thinking. How many Batman stories are there out there that really matter? There's all of the origin stories; the death of the Waynes, the death of the Graysons, the birth of the Joker, the death of Jason Todd, the crippling of Barbara Gordon, the team-up with Scooby-Doo, etc. But how many stories exist beyond those that have any kind of effect on...really anything?
No matter how many buildings blow up or television audiences die on live television, crime runs consistently, rich people go to parties, and Arkham security continues to be hackable with a wad of chewing gum. Batman doesn't really seem to accomplish anything except restoring the status quo. No matter how many times the Joker's face gets blown off, there will always be some very farfetched reason to revive him. And no matter how crammed into a corner the writer's stuff themselves, there is always a cosmic reset button waiting to reset Gotham back to slightly pre-boy wonder age.
I blame everyone but me. I can accept that the Batman formula works in a way that Superman struggles, because Gotham's savior serves as a metaphor for the determination we all want to be capable of. Just like the Joker reflects our own collective sadistic nihilistic desires, free of consequence. But Holy Dead Horse Batman! There's got to be something else to do in Gotham that actually feels like progress. I say we kill the Batman.
Now I'm not suggesting killing Bruce Wayne, I'm saying he probably needs to spend some time in Arkham as a patient. One, to understand how useless the system is. Two, to figure out a better way of rehabilitation. And three, to come to terms with the fact that Batman only treats Gotham's symptoms while aggravating the underlying problem. And while he's away, let's see what we can do with some of the more prominent members of his rogue's gallery. Maybe we can prove we won't need Batman after all.
Poison Ivy
Like so many of the better villains, you can see valid point Pamela Isley is starting from. Humans have gotten careless with the environment, and the Lorax hasn't shown his orange face in ages. Isley has appointed herself the mother of all plants. Now the problem is that she's too high on the power she feels to comprehend the balance of ecology. She also views all plants as helpless innocent living things, which is an impressive oversight coming from a doctor of botany. Plants are even more aggressive than animals, strangling each other for territory. They just do it at a slower rate.
What to do with her:
Climate change is a growing issue, no matter what FOX news says. Someone as talented as Dr. Isley could accomplish some amazing advances in the fields of environment preservation, as well as medicine. Getting her to understand that is the challenge.
Harley Quinn
Harley was the face of 90's Batman. Before her it was a simple equation: Bat versus clown. Harley came in partially by accident and wound up reminding the Bat what sympathy felt like, as well as humanizing the Joker in as much as he's capable of being. Harley ushered in the gray area, and inhuman monsters like Ivy and Professor Crane have been known to take a liking to her.
What to do with her:
First, get her the hell away from the Joker for good. Second, get her some friends who can keep her reasonably grounded. DC Superhero Girls has her rooming with Wonder Woman, and her current graphic novel series gave her a close bond with Power Girl. Those kinds of relationships are good for Harley, and when she's at her best she tends to bring out the best in other villains. Gotham needs a symbol to get behind. Let Harley be the face of Gotham 2.0.
The Joker
You know who the Joker is. Doesn't there come a point where a character is responsible for so much mass murder that they're just no longer worth telling stories about? I feel like everything that can be done with the Joker has been done already. Mark Hamill perfected him. Heath Ledger deconstructed him. And I'm really tired of seeing the character fall from high places.
What to do with him:
Screw the Joker. He should have been executed or assassinated long ago. Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Mr. Freeze, it doesn't matter. There is no in-universe justification for his continued existence. "But the fans-" need to get over it. If you really can't handle a world without the Joker then cut his hands off and put his eyes out. There. Everybody happy now?
The Riddler
I've always liked the idea of the Riddler, but I've rarely liked what's done with him. He's another one of those too-smart-for-his-own-good villains who obsesses way too much over the title character. What happens if he proves himself smarter than Batman? Then what? Is there an end game? Does he go the Moffet Moriarty route? I love crazed game designers as much as the next crazed game designer lover, but come on.
What to do with him:
Make him a crime fighter. If he's that smart, have him prove himself by fixing Gotham's problems without ever harming someone. Do what Batman never could, which is make Gotham BETTER.
Catwoman
Here's one of those villains who's not always a villain but who can't be relied on but who shows up when needed and all that jazz. You know, like a cat. When Selena Kyle is used correctly she makes for a wonderful anti-hero, and she was the only thing to keep me from throwing my popcorn at the screen during The Dark Knight Rises. When she's used incorrectly she becomes an annoyance.
What to do with her:
How about, use her correctly? With Batsy out of the picture, Selena is in the best position to take up the mantle. She's got the skillset after all. But even better, she's not the kind of female Dark Knight (Duchess? Knightess? Valkyrie?) that Gotham is going to be able to lean on for very long. As such, now is the time to slowly detox the city off of the reliance on capes to fix crime. Sure, she's a kleptomaniac, but you can probably just let her have her fun and then send the cops to her apartment a few days later to ask for the necklace back. Even Garfield once said, "It's not the having, it's the getting."
The Mad Hatter
I love Alice in Wonderland and I love Roddy McDowall, so naturally I honed in on the animated version of this character back in the nineties. But I have to admit, this character is kind of stupid. Jervis Tetch creates devices to control the minds of others, because plot. And in certain incarnations he stalks any woman he thinks is Alice, because he apparently he only watched the Tim Burton version. This guy needs a full makeover.
What to do with him:
Revision. Keep the elements that work. He was the underdog growing up. Got bullied. Tended to retreat in a fantasy world. The typical sci-fi/fantasy nerd story. He becomes fascinated by the workings of the human brain and makes several medical breakthroughs in the field of psychiatry. But one really bad day he gets pushed over the edge Carrie-style, and goes on a revenge spree controlled Carrie-style. He knows he's going to go to jail, which terrifies him, unless he can get the insanity plea (this is Gotham). Tetch makes it back to his lab and screws around with his own brain, voluntarily becoming insane, resulting in the experience of a newfound freedom.
The run-ins with Batman that follow are based around the fact that sanity starts creeping back in, and he'd rather stay whimsical and carefree than deal with the life he had before. But what if his work with neuroscience hides the cure for the more extreme cases inside Arkham? If he could handle his sensibilities, he could fix the inmates. Now what you need is a kindred spirit like Harley to be his Alice, not a love interest but a human connection. And from there the story of Gotham isn't this perpetually cynical drudge through self absorption, but one of hope; that there's actually a way back from the darkness.
I realize that doesn't exactly keep the series going indefinitely, but isn't about time the story moves forward? A little? There's still room for Terry McGinnis.
I saw Suicide Squad over the weekend, and I quite enjoyed it despite the ongoing list of things wrong with it. It honestly boiled down to Harley Quinn. As long as they got her right (enough) just about any other issue, or series of, could be forgiven. And fortunately they got her right (enough).
The rest of the film was kind of silly, and kind of imbalanced regarding pace. The story was more of an excuse than a plot line. Will Smith: Great! Viola Davis: Awesome! Jared Leto: whatever. And then there was Margot Robbie who dazzled as Harley. The rest of the ensemble was hit and miss with no real bulls-eyes, although I have to stress it was no fault of the cast members themselves. Overall, it was pretty good. Yes, DC is getting to the extended universe party late and it shows, but they really are trying. And I really keep rooting for them.
I also saw Batman: Under the Red Hood this week, which was impressively dark and poignant. It didn't really feel like the dream team of voice actors, but the writing was so good that it got me thinking. How many Batman stories are there out there that really matter? There's all of the origin stories; the death of the Waynes, the death of the Graysons, the birth of the Joker, the death of Jason Todd, the crippling of Barbara Gordon, the team-up with Scooby-Doo, etc. But how many stories exist beyond those that have any kind of effect on...really anything?
No matter how many buildings blow up or television audiences die on live television, crime runs consistently, rich people go to parties, and Arkham security continues to be hackable with a wad of chewing gum. Batman doesn't really seem to accomplish anything except restoring the status quo. No matter how many times the Joker's face gets blown off, there will always be some very farfetched reason to revive him. And no matter how crammed into a corner the writer's stuff themselves, there is always a cosmic reset button waiting to reset Gotham back to slightly pre-boy wonder age.
I blame everyone but me. I can accept that the Batman formula works in a way that Superman struggles, because Gotham's savior serves as a metaphor for the determination we all want to be capable of. Just like the Joker reflects our own collective sadistic nihilistic desires, free of consequence. But Holy Dead Horse Batman! There's got to be something else to do in Gotham that actually feels like progress. I say we kill the Batman.
Now I'm not suggesting killing Bruce Wayne, I'm saying he probably needs to spend some time in Arkham as a patient. One, to understand how useless the system is. Two, to figure out a better way of rehabilitation. And three, to come to terms with the fact that Batman only treats Gotham's symptoms while aggravating the underlying problem. And while he's away, let's see what we can do with some of the more prominent members of his rogue's gallery. Maybe we can prove we won't need Batman after all.
Poison Ivy
Like so many of the better villains, you can see valid point Pamela Isley is starting from. Humans have gotten careless with the environment, and the Lorax hasn't shown his orange face in ages. Isley has appointed herself the mother of all plants. Now the problem is that she's too high on the power she feels to comprehend the balance of ecology. She also views all plants as helpless innocent living things, which is an impressive oversight coming from a doctor of botany. Plants are even more aggressive than animals, strangling each other for territory. They just do it at a slower rate.
What to do with her:
Climate change is a growing issue, no matter what FOX news says. Someone as talented as Dr. Isley could accomplish some amazing advances in the fields of environment preservation, as well as medicine. Getting her to understand that is the challenge.
Harley Quinn
Harley was the face of 90's Batman. Before her it was a simple equation: Bat versus clown. Harley came in partially by accident and wound up reminding the Bat what sympathy felt like, as well as humanizing the Joker in as much as he's capable of being. Harley ushered in the gray area, and inhuman monsters like Ivy and Professor Crane have been known to take a liking to her.
What to do with her:
First, get her the hell away from the Joker for good. Second, get her some friends who can keep her reasonably grounded. DC Superhero Girls has her rooming with Wonder Woman, and her current graphic novel series gave her a close bond with Power Girl. Those kinds of relationships are good for Harley, and when she's at her best she tends to bring out the best in other villains. Gotham needs a symbol to get behind. Let Harley be the face of Gotham 2.0.
The Joker
You know who the Joker is. Doesn't there come a point where a character is responsible for so much mass murder that they're just no longer worth telling stories about? I feel like everything that can be done with the Joker has been done already. Mark Hamill perfected him. Heath Ledger deconstructed him. And I'm really tired of seeing the character fall from high places.
What to do with him:
Screw the Joker. He should have been executed or assassinated long ago. Catwoman, Wonder Woman, Mr. Freeze, it doesn't matter. There is no in-universe justification for his continued existence. "But the fans-" need to get over it. If you really can't handle a world without the Joker then cut his hands off and put his eyes out. There. Everybody happy now?
The Riddler
I've always liked the idea of the Riddler, but I've rarely liked what's done with him. He's another one of those too-smart-for-his-own-good villains who obsesses way too much over the title character. What happens if he proves himself smarter than Batman? Then what? Is there an end game? Does he go the Moffet Moriarty route? I love crazed game designers as much as the next crazed game designer lover, but come on.
What to do with him:
Make him a crime fighter. If he's that smart, have him prove himself by fixing Gotham's problems without ever harming someone. Do what Batman never could, which is make Gotham BETTER.
Catwoman
Here's one of those villains who's not always a villain but who can't be relied on but who shows up when needed and all that jazz. You know, like a cat. When Selena Kyle is used correctly she makes for a wonderful anti-hero, and she was the only thing to keep me from throwing my popcorn at the screen during The Dark Knight Rises. When she's used incorrectly she becomes an annoyance.
What to do with her:
How about, use her correctly? With Batsy out of the picture, Selena is in the best position to take up the mantle. She's got the skillset after all. But even better, she's not the kind of female Dark Knight (Duchess? Knightess? Valkyrie?) that Gotham is going to be able to lean on for very long. As such, now is the time to slowly detox the city off of the reliance on capes to fix crime. Sure, she's a kleptomaniac, but you can probably just let her have her fun and then send the cops to her apartment a few days later to ask for the necklace back. Even Garfield once said, "It's not the having, it's the getting."
The Mad Hatter
I love Alice in Wonderland and I love Roddy McDowall, so naturally I honed in on the animated version of this character back in the nineties. But I have to admit, this character is kind of stupid. Jervis Tetch creates devices to control the minds of others, because plot. And in certain incarnations he stalks any woman he thinks is Alice, because he apparently he only watched the Tim Burton version. This guy needs a full makeover.
What to do with him:
Revision. Keep the elements that work. He was the underdog growing up. Got bullied. Tended to retreat in a fantasy world. The typical sci-fi/fantasy nerd story. He becomes fascinated by the workings of the human brain and makes several medical breakthroughs in the field of psychiatry. But one really bad day he gets pushed over the edge Carrie-style, and goes on a revenge spree controlled Carrie-style. He knows he's going to go to jail, which terrifies him, unless he can get the insanity plea (this is Gotham). Tetch makes it back to his lab and screws around with his own brain, voluntarily becoming insane, resulting in the experience of a newfound freedom.
The run-ins with Batman that follow are based around the fact that sanity starts creeping back in, and he'd rather stay whimsical and carefree than deal with the life he had before. But what if his work with neuroscience hides the cure for the more extreme cases inside Arkham? If he could handle his sensibilities, he could fix the inmates. Now what you need is a kindred spirit like Harley to be his Alice, not a love interest but a human connection. And from there the story of Gotham isn't this perpetually cynical drudge through self absorption, but one of hope; that there's actually a way back from the darkness.
I realize that doesn't exactly keep the series going indefinitely, but isn't about time the story moves forward? A little? There's still room for Terry McGinnis.
Thursday, August 4, 2016
Cowbania's Fantasy Summer Olympic League
Every Leap Year we take a few weeks of hiatus off of the United States's donkey/elephant pie fight to pretend to care what's going on elsewhere. For this divisible-by-four year, elsewhere is Rio, which I've only just learned is a city in Brazil and not just a Duran Duran song.
When I was a kid, the Olympics sounded like the coolest thing ever. Of course I was a kid and the Olympics in my head was more of a Wipeout/Super Mario World level (neither of which existed at the time) than the revolving door of people standing/walking/scowling/occasionally doing something and commercial breaks stretched out over a two week period that it is.
It probably doesn't help that I don't care about sports, but the Summer Games doesn't do anything for me. At least the Winter Games has a kind of theme working in its favor. How many different and creative ways can people slide across ice? The Summer Games doesn't have that. It's just stuff happening.
Now I get that other people do care, and athletes work very hard to achieve success in this reality that I'm simply not part of. And I'm not suggesting that there's anything inherently wrong with the Olympics (except of course for politics, economic irresponsibility, drug use; menial things like that), I'm just saying that it doesn't hold my attention.
Well, damn it! I'm a fiction writer! I can do something about that! I was never clear on what Fantasy Football Leagues were, but I assume it has something to do with Nymphs and Hobgoblins playing a nice friendly game of brutal bloodshed between goal posts. So why can't I adapt the idea to the Summer Olympics?
Here then is how I would rearrange the current lineup of events to be a bit less, you know, insomnia curing, and which fiction character I would snatch out of the Jungian ether to represent my country of Cowbania, with a few ground rules. Only one character per event and only one event per character. Characters have to compete based solely on their skill sets, so someone like Jean-Luc Picard would not be able to take his tricorder onto the field. Since I'm making this up as I go, I'm going to try to limit the contestants to bipedal characters unless it just really makes sense to let Eeyore hurl the javelin. And finally, I'm looking for characters that can put on a good show. The Flash could obviously dominate a marathon run, but there's nothing interesting about it.
So, here we go then.
Torch Relay
Wow. What could be a better taste of the festivities to come than watching some poor schmuck scurrying through town with a flammable light source in broad daylight? Nobody actually cares about the people in the relay prior to the last runner. We always skip to the end where they finally light the damn torch. So I suggest we restructure it. Cut out the relay portion and make one guy run the stretch from start to finish. And encourage ordinary bystanders to try to stop him. Tackle him. Block him with your car. Dump marbles in his path. If anyone is able to keep him from reaching his goal we get to call this whole thing off and start handing out medals on a first come first served basis. Think of showing off your gold medal for punctuality.
My competitor: Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove. The guy is a juggernaut. He can take anything without breaking a sweat. The combined efforts of the whole world would not be able to keep him from the finish line, but damned if it wouldn't be entertaining to try.
Archery/Shooting
I know they're not exactly the same thing but it ultimately boils down to hitting targets. You stand. You breathe. You launch a missile. You swear. Rinse, repeat, and back away. So we need to make the concept a smidge more exciting. I suggest combining it with a room escape game. You trap your competitor in a large cabin and set it loose on a mudslide with a steep drop about a thousand yards away. The way to escape hinges on being able to hit various targets that pop up randomly, under stress and unstable conditions. Points are awarded based on how quickly the victim is able to emerge from the impending disaster.
My competitor: Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke. I obviously have to choose someone who can manage a bow, and it was this guy who pushed Legolas into the number two slot of archers. While riding a horse, Ashitaka caught an arrow mid flight and fired it back at its owner, flawlessly hitting its mark. That was badass.
Football/Basketball/Field Hockey/Rugby Sevens/Water Polo/Handball
You know, the same crap we have to watch year round. You're on a team that puts the titular ball in a goal for about an hour. These are Olympic events now. So let's combine all of these into one event where you have a set number of players, and goals, and maybe a few surprise bells and whistles.
My competitor: The Doctor, from Doctor Who obviously. Imagine a team sport scenario utilizing the 5th Doctor's cricket skills, the 8th's prestidigitation, the 11th's vim, and the collective cognition of the bulk of them. You could swap players out without it technically being a substitution. And how much fun would it be to guess if they were predicting each other's moves, or remembering them. Score, you clever boys!
Boxing/Judo/Wrestling/Taekwondo
Here's another series of variances around a central concept, two people in hand to hand combat. To make this work we need a periodic change of venue. So let's do hand-to-hand combat on three stories of a Planet Hollywood. No ring outs. Props are encouraged. Last one standing wins.
My competitor: Indiana Jones, in all of his Ben Burtt foleying glory. There are other brawlers out there who can take a beating, but Dr. Jones by far is the most vulnerable. There's something wonderful about seeing him hurt over and over without breaking. The guy managed to force Mola Ram into punching himself in the face while dangling from a broken sway bridge. Let the guy finally keep one of the treasures he's unearthed.
Cycling (Road, Track, BMX, Mountain Biking)
Somebody rides a bicycle from point A to point B. Maybe it's laps, maybe it's off road, it doesn't matter. We're really just hoping to see someone get hurt. So again, let's combine all of these events into one grand obstacle course with tightropes, saw blades, and bears; kind of like those intense downhill bike races you can find on YouTube.
My competitor: Frank Martin AKA the Transporter. Handling vehicles is his thing, and Transporter 3 demonstrates his ability to ride a bicycle under duress. Hell, throw in a train, a fire hose, and a woman needlessly dancing in a bikini and that pretty much summarizes the entire series.
Golf
All right. What nimbus let golf into the Olympics? Did somebody owe golf a favor? Does golf have incriminating evidence on the Olympic sponsors? Did juggling, pole dancing, and bowling honestly not get the application in by the deadline?...Sorry. I live in a house with five people. And golf is ALWAYS on television.
Mini-golf rocks! You've got your windmills, dinosaurs, trick shots, the occasional injury to small children. The problem with golf is that it isn't a grander scale of mini-golf. Well in my world it is. You've got massive Rube Goldberg tracks, city-wide strobe lights, and an animatronic Godzilla that makes random appearances. You want to play golf on my courses? You've got to have poise, control, and a subtle love of chaos.
My competitor: Mary Poppins. Damn right. She's got everything a golfer needs from form to precision. And every shot is practically perfect in every way.
Diving
The problem with diving is there's not much to it. So instead let's make it cliff diving, and part of the event is the complicated scaling of the rock face.
My competitor: Lara Croft. We know she can climb, do flips, and swan dive. And as an added bonus she'll invariably do that ridiculous handstand at the top of the climb. You big show-off.
Modern Pentathlon/Triathlon
This is where they start randomly picking events and insisting there's a tradition of some kind. Take the Pentathlon. Fencing, swimming, running, shooting, and riding someone else's horse. It's like somebody tried to download Ocarina of Time to their iPhone 4. So I suggest we replace these events entirely with a cross-city parkour run.
My competitor: The Prince of Persia (whose name isn't Dastan). In addition to his ability to run on walls and swing on poles, the prince never runs out of breath. And running across a city is essentially his MO.
Athletics
Athletics is kind of a catch-all term. This is where you have your relay races, hurdles, shot-put, discus, pole vault, hammer throw, long jump, high jump, triple jump, and decathlon (which is all of that crap put together). These are the events you probably think of when someone mentions the Olympics. To compete in a decathlon you need stamina, drive, and skill. And to make things more interesting, I'm going to add in a large bully and a seven minute time limit.
My competitor: Bugs Bunny. You don't need me to explain why.
Gymnastics
We're closing out the Summer Games with what I truly believe is the coolest portion, the gymnastics. For some damned reason women's and men's gymnastics have notable difference. Both contain the floor routine and the vault, but men have the pommel horse, parallel bars, rings, and horizontal bar, while women have the uneven bars and balance beam. And then there's the matter of rhythmic gymnastics which is closer akin to dance. So this essentially falls into three separate events.
Let's start with the men's routines. Five out of six of those center on upper body strength, so why don't we extend that to the floor routine? Let's say the participants have to engage in all six events in without their feet touching the floor. We're going to need someone with serious biceps.
My competitor: Jason Voorhees. Yeah, getting him to focus might be a bit of a challenge but you know he can support himself without flinching or trembling.
It's a little trickier finding a gimmick for women's gymnastics, but how about we arrange the arena where the contestant has to do all four events in one swoop? You start with the vault, which instead on landing on the mat you land on the floor routine portion. A third of the way through you get up on the balance beam. Then back to the floor, over to the uneven bars, and back on the floor for the finale.
My competitor: Barbara Gordon, AKA Batgirl. Tumbling, swinging around, and landing on precarious surfaces is essentially her night job. As an added bonus, you could send out some thugs for her to beat up in the process. That's entertainment.
And finally, the rhythmic gymnastics portion. This is a routine that involves clubs, a hoop, a ball, a rope, and a ribbon. It's meant for one to five dancers, but I'm going to keep it at a solo performance. We're looking for grace and control, as well as the ability to make objects dance.
My competitor: Ivy Valentine, of the Soulcalibur series. The ribbon is a given, and by extension the rope. She's all about control and discipline, and you have to believe she's capable of commanding a hoop to do whatever the hell she wants them to do.
So that's it then. That's my lineup for the 2016 Fake Olympics. If you think you've got a team to challenge me I'd love to hear about it in the comments below. Thank you for joining me, and I'd like to bring out my whole team for a final group photo.
Apollo Creed
Ashitaka
Barbara Gordon
Bugs Bunny
When I was a kid, the Olympics sounded like the coolest thing ever. Of course I was a kid and the Olympics in my head was more of a Wipeout/Super Mario World level (neither of which existed at the time) than the revolving door of people standing/walking/scowling/occasionally doing something and commercial breaks stretched out over a two week period that it is.
It probably doesn't help that I don't care about sports, but the Summer Games doesn't do anything for me. At least the Winter Games has a kind of theme working in its favor. How many different and creative ways can people slide across ice? The Summer Games doesn't have that. It's just stuff happening.
Now I get that other people do care, and athletes work very hard to achieve success in this reality that I'm simply not part of. And I'm not suggesting that there's anything inherently wrong with the Olympics (except of course for politics, economic irresponsibility, drug use; menial things like that), I'm just saying that it doesn't hold my attention.
Well, damn it! I'm a fiction writer! I can do something about that! I was never clear on what Fantasy Football Leagues were, but I assume it has something to do with Nymphs and Hobgoblins playing a nice friendly game of brutal bloodshed between goal posts. So why can't I adapt the idea to the Summer Olympics?
Here then is how I would rearrange the current lineup of events to be a bit less, you know, insomnia curing, and which fiction character I would snatch out of the Jungian ether to represent my country of Cowbania, with a few ground rules. Only one character per event and only one event per character. Characters have to compete based solely on their skill sets, so someone like Jean-Luc Picard would not be able to take his tricorder onto the field. Since I'm making this up as I go, I'm going to try to limit the contestants to bipedal characters unless it just really makes sense to let Eeyore hurl the javelin. And finally, I'm looking for characters that can put on a good show. The Flash could obviously dominate a marathon run, but there's nothing interesting about it.
So, here we go then.
Torch Relay
Wow. What could be a better taste of the festivities to come than watching some poor schmuck scurrying through town with a flammable light source in broad daylight? Nobody actually cares about the people in the relay prior to the last runner. We always skip to the end where they finally light the damn torch. So I suggest we restructure it. Cut out the relay portion and make one guy run the stretch from start to finish. And encourage ordinary bystanders to try to stop him. Tackle him. Block him with your car. Dump marbles in his path. If anyone is able to keep him from reaching his goal we get to call this whole thing off and start handing out medals on a first come first served basis. Think of showing off your gold medal for punctuality.
My competitor: Kronk from The Emperor's New Groove. The guy is a juggernaut. He can take anything without breaking a sweat. The combined efforts of the whole world would not be able to keep him from the finish line, but damned if it wouldn't be entertaining to try.
Day One
Archery/Shooting
I know they're not exactly the same thing but it ultimately boils down to hitting targets. You stand. You breathe. You launch a missile. You swear. Rinse, repeat, and back away. So we need to make the concept a smidge more exciting. I suggest combining it with a room escape game. You trap your competitor in a large cabin and set it loose on a mudslide with a steep drop about a thousand yards away. The way to escape hinges on being able to hit various targets that pop up randomly, under stress and unstable conditions. Points are awarded based on how quickly the victim is able to emerge from the impending disaster.
My competitor: Ashitaka from Princess Mononoke. I obviously have to choose someone who can manage a bow, and it was this guy who pushed Legolas into the number two slot of archers. While riding a horse, Ashitaka caught an arrow mid flight and fired it back at its owner, flawlessly hitting its mark. That was badass.
Football/Basketball/Field Hockey/Rugby Sevens/Water Polo/Handball
You know, the same crap we have to watch year round. You're on a team that puts the titular ball in a goal for about an hour. These are Olympic events now. So let's combine all of these into one event where you have a set number of players, and goals, and maybe a few surprise bells and whistles.
My competitor: The Doctor, from Doctor Who obviously. Imagine a team sport scenario utilizing the 5th Doctor's cricket skills, the 8th's prestidigitation, the 11th's vim, and the collective cognition of the bulk of them. You could swap players out without it technically being a substitution. And how much fun would it be to guess if they were predicting each other's moves, or remembering them. Score, you clever boys!
Boxing/Judo/Wrestling/Taekwondo
Here's another series of variances around a central concept, two people in hand to hand combat. To make this work we need a periodic change of venue. So let's do hand-to-hand combat on three stories of a Planet Hollywood. No ring outs. Props are encouraged. Last one standing wins.
My competitor: Indiana Jones, in all of his Ben Burtt foleying glory. There are other brawlers out there who can take a beating, but Dr. Jones by far is the most vulnerable. There's something wonderful about seeing him hurt over and over without breaking. The guy managed to force Mola Ram into punching himself in the face while dangling from a broken sway bridge. Let the guy finally keep one of the treasures he's unearthed.
Cycling (Road, Track, BMX, Mountain Biking)
Somebody rides a bicycle from point A to point B. Maybe it's laps, maybe it's off road, it doesn't matter. We're really just hoping to see someone get hurt. So again, let's combine all of these events into one grand obstacle course with tightropes, saw blades, and bears; kind of like those intense downhill bike races you can find on YouTube.
My competitor: Frank Martin AKA the Transporter. Handling vehicles is his thing, and Transporter 3 demonstrates his ability to ride a bicycle under duress. Hell, throw in a train, a fire hose, and a woman needlessly dancing in a bikini and that pretty much summarizes the entire series.
Day Two
This blog is going to be freaking endless if I devote equal time to every event, so let's do a highlights reel.
Equestrian: Like cycling, but with a horse.
Contestant: Zorro.
Fencing: Not getting stabbed.
Contestant: Harpo Marx (see A Night in Casablanca).
Rowing: Who gives a shit about rowing?
Contestant: I'll do partners on this one. Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed.
Weight Lifting: You pick something up. You put something down.
Contestant: The Murray! From Sly Cooper.
Sailing: Just what it says. Jeez. They'll put anything in the Olympics.
Contestant: CON-DOR-MAN!!! Just because he understands aerodynamics.
Trampolining: Jumping really high and doing flips.
Contestant: Luke Skywalker, naturally.
Synchronized Swimming: Two women who can flexibly mirror each other.
Contestants: Morrigan and Lilith Aensland.
Swimming: Swimming. Like, in water and everything.
Contestant: Meggy Swann. I don't expect most of you to get that reference, but she's the protagonist of the Karen Cushman book Alchemy and Meggy Swann. Having spent her life on crutches she discovers at a pivotal moment that she has incredible upper body strength. She's a great character and it's a lovely book. I listened to the audio version, read by the incomparable Katherine Kellgren. Check it out.
Okay, where was I?
Canoeing (Slalom/Sprint)
Closing out the day with a couple of other combined events, let's give our intrepid athlete a river worth conquering. Say...ye boulders, ye rapids, and ye whirlpools.
My competitor: Dirk the Daring of course! From Dragon's Lair. Who else? And in keeping with tradition, we can give him multiple lives.
My competitor: Dirk the Daring of course! From Dragon's Lair. Who else? And in keeping with tradition, we can give him multiple lives.
Tennis/Table Tennis/Beach Volleyball/Indoor Volleyball/Badminton
Paddles or racquets, balls or shuttlecocks, these are all synonyms for real-world Pong; or Hot Potato with a grenade. It's probably most memorable (by default) with teams of two, allowing for a receiver, a set-up, and a spike (basically the formula for comedy writing). So leave the basic rules the same, just up the ante. The floor is metal. The ball is electric. And remember to have fun.
My competitors: Peach and Daisy. They can obviously play any damned sport in existence, and being electrocuted is as inconvenient as a sneeze. Then if you let the ladies channel some of that Mario Strikers aggression, I think you'll find Kasumi will suddenly remember a dentist appointment.
Paddles or racquets, balls or shuttlecocks, these are all synonyms for real-world Pong; or Hot Potato with a grenade. It's probably most memorable (by default) with teams of two, allowing for a receiver, a set-up, and a spike (basically the formula for comedy writing). So leave the basic rules the same, just up the ante. The floor is metal. The ball is electric. And remember to have fun.
My competitors: Peach and Daisy. They can obviously play any damned sport in existence, and being electrocuted is as inconvenient as a sneeze. Then if you let the ladies channel some of that Mario Strikers aggression, I think you'll find Kasumi will suddenly remember a dentist appointment.
Day Three
Golf
Mini-golf rocks! You've got your windmills, dinosaurs, trick shots, the occasional injury to small children. The problem with golf is that it isn't a grander scale of mini-golf. Well in my world it is. You've got massive Rube Goldberg tracks, city-wide strobe lights, and an animatronic Godzilla that makes random appearances. You want to play golf on my courses? You've got to have poise, control, and a subtle love of chaos.
My competitor: Mary Poppins. Damn right. She's got everything a golfer needs from form to precision. And every shot is practically perfect in every way.
Diving
The problem with diving is there's not much to it. So instead let's make it cliff diving, and part of the event is the complicated scaling of the rock face.
My competitor: Lara Croft. We know she can climb, do flips, and swan dive. And as an added bonus she'll invariably do that ridiculous handstand at the top of the climb. You big show-off.
Modern Pentathlon/Triathlon
This is where they start randomly picking events and insisting there's a tradition of some kind. Take the Pentathlon. Fencing, swimming, running, shooting, and riding someone else's horse. It's like somebody tried to download Ocarina of Time to their iPhone 4. So I suggest we replace these events entirely with a cross-city parkour run.
My competitor: The Prince of Persia (whose name isn't Dastan). In addition to his ability to run on walls and swing on poles, the prince never runs out of breath. And running across a city is essentially his MO.
Athletics
Athletics is kind of a catch-all term. This is where you have your relay races, hurdles, shot-put, discus, pole vault, hammer throw, long jump, high jump, triple jump, and decathlon (which is all of that crap put together). These are the events you probably think of when someone mentions the Olympics. To compete in a decathlon you need stamina, drive, and skill. And to make things more interesting, I'm going to add in a large bully and a seven minute time limit.
My competitor: Bugs Bunny. You don't need me to explain why.
Gymnastics
We're closing out the Summer Games with what I truly believe is the coolest portion, the gymnastics. For some damned reason women's and men's gymnastics have notable difference. Both contain the floor routine and the vault, but men have the pommel horse, parallel bars, rings, and horizontal bar, while women have the uneven bars and balance beam. And then there's the matter of rhythmic gymnastics which is closer akin to dance. So this essentially falls into three separate events.
Let's start with the men's routines. Five out of six of those center on upper body strength, so why don't we extend that to the floor routine? Let's say the participants have to engage in all six events in without their feet touching the floor. We're going to need someone with serious biceps.
My competitor: Jason Voorhees. Yeah, getting him to focus might be a bit of a challenge but you know he can support himself without flinching or trembling.
It's a little trickier finding a gimmick for women's gymnastics, but how about we arrange the arena where the contestant has to do all four events in one swoop? You start with the vault, which instead on landing on the mat you land on the floor routine portion. A third of the way through you get up on the balance beam. Then back to the floor, over to the uneven bars, and back on the floor for the finale.
My competitor: Barbara Gordon, AKA Batgirl. Tumbling, swinging around, and landing on precarious surfaces is essentially her night job. As an added bonus, you could send out some thugs for her to beat up in the process. That's entertainment.
And finally, the rhythmic gymnastics portion. This is a routine that involves clubs, a hoop, a ball, a rope, and a ribbon. It's meant for one to five dancers, but I'm going to keep it at a solo performance. We're looking for grace and control, as well as the ability to make objects dance.
My competitor: Ivy Valentine, of the Soulcalibur series. The ribbon is a given, and by extension the rope. She's all about control and discipline, and you have to believe she's capable of commanding a hoop to do whatever the hell she wants them to do.
Closing Ceremonies
So that's it then. That's my lineup for the 2016 Fake Olympics. If you think you've got a team to challenge me I'd love to hear about it in the comments below. Thank you for joining me, and I'd like to bring out my whole team for a final group photo.
Apollo Creed
Ashitaka
Barbara Gordon
Bugs Bunny
Condorman
Dirk the Daring
The Doctor
Dirk the Daring
The Doctor
Frank Martin
Harpo Marx
Indiana Jones
Ivy Valentine
Jason Voorhees
Kronk
Lara Croft
Lilith Aensland
Luke Skywalker
Mary Poppins
Meggy Swann
Morrigan Aensland
The Murray
The Prince of Persia
Princess Daisy
Princess Peach
Rocky Balboa
Zorro
Harpo Marx
Indiana Jones
Ivy Valentine
Jason Voorhees
Kronk
Lara Croft
Lilith Aensland
Luke Skywalker
Mary Poppins
Meggy Swann
Morrigan Aensland
The Murray
The Prince of Persia
Princess Daisy
Princess Peach
Rocky Balboa
Zorro
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