Cowbania's Fantasy Winter Olympic League

The Winter Olympics kind of snuck up on me. I somehow had it in my head that they were going to be in December of 2018, hence I'm getting to the party late.

But I certainly wanted to revisit Cowbania, my fictional country that entered the Summer Olympics in 2016. Cowbania is kind of like Wakanda but with cows instead of panthers. Their primary superhero is Milkman, who always delivers exactly what you need before you're even awake. I was so proud of my team, they came home with quite an array of coasters and matchboxes from pubs all across town.

So I got together with the sponsors at Lon Lon Ranch and put together a whole new team of competitors that I think will put on an impressive show at the events, assuming they let us start late. I've looked through the events at the Winter Olympics, and I think every single one of them is a variation on sliding across ice. So unlike the Summer Olympics, I see no reason to restrict the entry of quadrupeds for events that primarily involve gravity. So let's hit the ice.

Alpine Skiing

Basically this is an umbrella term for 'skiing'. You go up a mountain, you come down it. Sometimes as a straight shot. Sometimes through flags. Cowbania has a limited budget, so I'm going to have to select one competitor who can keep upright through just about anything.

My competitor: Diddy Wishingwell. He (or she, I don't really care) is the first image that comes up on Wikipedia when you search for Weeble; so I've got as name, I've got a skillset, and as an added bonus Diddy is probably a cow. The uncultured swines out there might be asking what a Weeble is. It's an egg-shaped plastic toy from Hasbro with a weight at the bottom, creating a physical impossibility of falling over. In fact, that was the toy's first draft catchphrase: Weebles create the physical impossibility of falling over. It was a work in progress, but who better to slide to the finish line on their facsimile of feet than a creature invented for nothing but?

Biathlon

The combination of cross-country skiing and shooting, probably designed as such because there aren't closer places to set up a target range. If EPYX's Winter Games game on the Commodore 64 is any indication, this sport is about endurance and control of aiming when one is out of breath.

My competitor: Princess Zelda. Not Link as you might have imagined. Sure, he's fluent in just about every long ranged weapon, but his skills are limited to that of the player. Whenever Zelda shoots, she hits. When you also consider her Sheik disguise, she's running all over the world with no horse, and arriving wherever Link is going well before he does (enough to set up her dramatic entrances and exits). She's also attuned with wisdom, something in which I expect biathlons might require a stronger score. Preserving one's stamina is at least as much mental as it is physical.

Bobsleigh

Team of four. You push the vehicle, jump in, and synchronize the way you all lean to maximize speed. The skill of the pilot is apparently the biggest factor in victory or slapstick. So I need a team of four with a designated leader. TMNT are turtles, and I don't think their shells are particularly aerodynamic. Mystery Inc. would work, but they'd never leave out Scooby-Doo. And the hobbits wouldn't weigh enough to maintain the needed momentum.

My competitor(s): The Four Sydney Lotterbies. Man, I had to do some digging. Prior to Monty Python, John Cleese and Graham Chapman co-wrote a sketch comedy show called At Last the 1948 Show, with Marty Feldman and Tim Brooke-Taylor. This particular sketch involves all four main performers playing characters named Sydney Lotterby. When they meet for the first time, they discover they coincidentally all have the same names, voices, outfits, and wife apparently. This is the ideal bobsleigh team. They can function as a Borg collective but still have enough physical differences to be arranged in an ideal order for sleigh speed. Also, these four comedians were at the height of their physical prowess when the sketch was recorded. I think we've got a winner.

Cross-Country Skiing

Biathlon without the gun. That's it really.

My competitor: Scrat. You know, the squirrel-rat from the Ice Age movies that obsesses over the acorn? He's small, but he moves fast. He knows snow. And he never loses his endurance for more than a comedic beat.

Curling

I don't think I'm capable of making a snide comment about curling that hasn't been done a hundred times already. Curling is nicknamed "Chess on ice" which somehow doesn't send advertisers into fits of elation. It's like a kind of bowling where you're trying to get the ball to stop inches before it knocks down the pins. I'm sure it's hard, and I'm sure it's very satisfying when it's done properly. But I can't help but wonder if Curling teams are looked down on by the athletes who participate in life-or-death scenarios. Maybe not winning a medal in Curling is somehow better for you in the long run.

My competitor(s): Charlie Brown, Linus, Lucy, and probably Marcie on strategy. When the Peanuts characters pull it together, they usually get really close to their goals, and this is a sport where really close is the ideal. They also know how to skate, which is important. But the main thing is, even if you take home the gold, you did it in Curling. I can't imagine it's ever going to feel like a pure unbridled victory, and that's exactly when you need Charlie Brown on your team.

Figure Skating

Something about Figure Skating is just awesome. It just works in a way that not even Rhythmic Gymnastics can match. And we have three sub-categories that each have slightly different personalities.

Men's Figure Skating

My competitor: Tom (the cat, not the Myspace guy). Tom is arguably more accident prone than Wile E. Coyote, but he has an actual antagonist working against him. When he's left to his own devices, Tom is not only versatile and quick of study (he learned to play piano after a six note lesson) but he's a risk taker and can adapt when things go south. He could put on a fantastic performance as long as Jerry doesn't choose that moment to be an asshole.

Women's Figure Skating

My competitor: Tiny Kong. Based on the dance-like nature of the sport, figure skating requires a certain build, and for whatever reason Nintendo decided to give it to an ape; of course I'm talking about he post-DK 64 appearances where she was taller than her sister. Tiny isn't quite on Dixie Kong's level with the pony-tail twirl, but it's enough for a quadruple axle.

Couple's Figure Skating

My competitor(s): Sly Cooper and Carmelita Fox. Sly is a platform virtuoso, balancing on the points of giant blades. And Carmelita is the determinator cop who nearly captures him on a regular basis. They clearly care about each other, and there's a mutual trust whenever their backs are to the wall. But they're also a fiery combination, not above placing the other in danger when it's amusing. Their routine would be risky, bordering on violent, but they'd both make it to the end of the song with skates on the ground, posing in style. There may be an induced explosion or two in the process, but nothing would faze them.

Ice Hockey:

You know exactly what this sport requires of you: bulk, force, and a lack of attachment to your teeth. We need a team of five skaters and one goalie who can work together intuitively and have inhuman reflexes. This is an easy choice.

My competitor(s): The Expendables. First movie, before they took a flick with an overkill premise and over-overkilled it. I'd put Dolph Lundgren in as the goalie, since his character was the loose cannon of the film. Everybody else knows what they're doing without so much as a hand signal. I'm sure the final score would be dreadfully uneven.

Luge/Skeleton:

To me, the spectator sitting on the couch eating Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, these two things are basically the same thing; sledding on your back and stomach respectively. It's like a waterslide without the water, so it's like a slide I guess. I don't know what the strategy is, aside from not dying. Holding on maybe?

My competitor: Michael Myers. Think about it, what does he excel at? Lying perfectly still until it's time to sit up dramatically. And miraculously moving from place to place. And a vice-like grip. He's everything you need for both of these events.

Ski Jumping:

Standing, sliding, launching, gliding, landing. That sums up the ski jump event, and gets us well on the way of adding a new verse to that "There's So Much To Do" Captain Kangaroo song. So we need somebody who can keep their feet planted and who knows a thing or two about floating to the ground safely from great heights.

My competitor: Genaa, from the 1984 classic Below the Root. Really any of the five playable characters will do, but Genaa's psychic power stats were crap, and nobody ever played her. She doesn't need them here. Like all Kindar and Erdlings, Genaa can fall from the top of a tree all the way to the ground and only take a few seconds of rubbing her head before she can get back up for action. Giant spiders, or snakes? She'll rub her head, but she won't move from the spot. And of course, she comes with the legendary shuba. A shuba is a backpack containing a gliding squirrel-like parachute allowing you to drift safely down from any height at a 45 degree angle. Even if for some reason it tears during her jump, she'll land in the snow with only a sore spot on her head. I miss the C64 era.

Snowboarding:

Skateboarding without wheels. I guess you're more likely to slide in all directions. There's probably a way to steer, since people do it. I wouldn't know. I trip over speed bumps.

My competitor: Sarge from Toy Story. The green army men all have that plastic thing locking their feet in place, and they do a pretty fine job of moving around. And while I don't remember ever seeing Sarge in action, he obviously got to where he is by knowing his stuff. And he's the only one in the bucket with a title.

Speed Skating:

It's not just about movement, but about a specific kind of movement. Feet have to touch the rink and push. Arms have to be in sync. There's probably not any skill that transfers over from elsewhere to really help you with speed skating. You either have to start from scratch in your training or have a natural rhythm about you that probably looks odd off the ice. So with that in mind, I've found an unexpected contender.


My competitor: Wadsworth, from Clue. Let's start with the obvious. In Ending A (or C depending on who you ask) Wadsworth has to be at the front door to shoot the singing telegram girl, and then in the master bedroom within seconds (Oh, sorry. Spoilers?). He's fast. Need More? During his summation he sends the guests from the study to the kitchen, himself running in the opposite direction to the secret passage, and he still gets there before they do. But now look at the way he runs. Sure it's comically prissy, but he's also doing the exact scurry and arm wave that you'd see in speed skating. He also does this for around twenty minutes without losing his breath. Meaning, no matter how Wadsworth places, we'll have the benefit of a wonderful speech in Tim Curry's inimitable voice afterwards.

Closing Ceremonies

I don't think that the Winter Olympics has as elaborate of opening and closing ceremonies as the Summer Olympics. It's a shame. This is where we really need a torch. But in the interest of defiance, I say we end everything on a good old fashioned snowball fight. Let's bring out all the whole team and just let them wail on each other until only Diddy Wishingwell is left standing. Cowbania dude!

Carmelita Fox

Charlie Brown
Diddy Wishingwell
The Expendables
Genaa
Linus
Lucy
Marcie
Michael Myers
Princess Zelda
Sarge
Scrat
Sly Cooper
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Sydney Lotterby
Tiny Kong
Tom (Tom & Jerry)
Wadsworth

A Dozen Break-up Songs -The Bittersweet Candygram (with Guest Blogger Sarah DeArmond)

It's Valentine's Day! And with it comes a string of double disappointments from greeting cards claiming to be 'funny romantic', as well as an endless barrage of dirty looks towards people in happy relationships from people who are not. Come to think of it, does Valentine's Day actually bring more misery to the world than joy? My father was a wholesale florist, and I don't think a single day of his life went by where he wasn't consciously dreading the month of February.

For the ordinary person (something I occasionally strive to appear as) Valentine's Day is a chance to celebrate the color Red in grocery stores and fast food restaurants. It's like Christmas's aftermath without Green. In fact, I think Red and Green had a huge falling out in January. A shame really; they looked so happy together at the office Christmas party. But Red is really trying to move on, and I'm positive we'll see plenty of Green at the pub in March, so this seems the ideal time to talk about the time honored tradition of the break-up song.

It's a strange phenomenon, the way the heartbroken seek out the opportunity to get lost in a melody and kicked in the gut by it. My best explanation is that it's a release of tension, kind of like how scratching is a mild form of self-inflicted pain but it alleviates the itch that we find unbearable. Sometimes you just need to cry. Perhaps even more so when you're feeling alone on a day that bombards you with imagery of lovebirds and anonymously produced messages of "Be mine" from the candy company.

So as a public service, let's honor some personal favorite break-up songs for anyone out there looking for the opportunity to wallow in misery. And just to rub it in, I'm going to be joined by my beloved wife, with whom I just celebrated nine years of marriage. If you like her writing then you'll definitely want to check out her blog at sarahandseansworld.com where she regularly discusses social issues and interviews an eclectic group of personalities that you're likely to find in various media.

As the two of us grew up in different musical circles I expect we'll be able to cover a fairly broad range of songs. I'm going to turn the track list over to her first and then we'll take turns. Welcome, love!


1. Stranger -Hilary Duff:  Dignity (2007)

Although Hilary's 3rd album went gold, it sadly failed to find an audience. Maybe because it was marketed as a dance album, and that's something you play at clubs, not the radio. Still, I feel like giving it the "dance" category was a bit unfair, because it had several songs that fit perfectly into the pop genre, including this forgotten gem.

The song tells the story about a woman that feels stuck in a relationship with a man living a double life. When the two of them are together out in public, the boyfriend treats her well and showers her with love and affection. But when they're alone, it's a complete 180. The lyrics also talks about how no one believes the girlfriend when she tries to speak up that her boyfriend is not the person he says he is. In the end, she accepts that it's far better to be alone and hated by their friends than to stay with a man that makes her miserable.

I can't tell you how painful it is to see loved ones go through this very thing and Hilary portrays those feelings beautifully.

Sean's thoughts: I would probably never have noticed Hilary Duff's music if my wife hadn't been such a fan, but she has some truly wonderful songs that deserve attention. "Stranger" is one of her more mature outings, being emotionally poignant while devoid of dramatization. She makes you feel what she wants you to feel. A+


2. Denial, Revisited -The Offspring: Conspiracy of One (1998)

The Offspring are a rock/punk/alternative band that are easy to underestimate if you've only had a passing familiarity with them. "Denial, Revisited" is one of their songs that was carefully constructed for full potency. Lead singer Dexter Holland opens with what is assumed to be the scenario's routine "So there we go, having the same old fight again" before two verses and choruses of how bad things have gotten between him and the girlfriend but resolving to never let go; you know, like the romance movies tell you to do. You can actually visualize him holding up the jam box in a grand gesture that he's positive will work. "But she stands softly, tears on her face..."; one subtle change of guitar chords and we experience his gut-punch at the same time he does. This is goodbye at its most realistic.

Sarah's thoughts: Oh man, this takes me back to my breakup (right before Sean). I knew he and I needed to end things, but I was scared and tried to keep him around, in spite of how damaging the relationship was for the both of us. In this song, when Dexter is realizing that it really is the end and how difficult it is coming to terms with it, is 100% relatable. Whether or not they're for the best, breakups are hard, period.


3. I'll Never Get Over You Getting Over Me -Exposé: Exposé (1992)

Ah, here's a song written by one of my husband's favorites, Diane Warren (more to come)! The song is a sweet message to an ex that even though she may not want the relationship back, the feelings of what was once there will never fully go away.

Sean's thoughts: In the midst of a breakup, the absolute worst thing you can experience is hope. In the movies it always works out, but in real life it only drags out the inevitable. You need some friends for support. It helps even more if they can sing backup harmony for you.


4. Careless Whisper -Seether: Finding Beauty in Negative Spaces (2007)

Seether allegedly rerecorded this George Michael song as a joke; but regardless of intention in resulted in one of the most powerful covers I've ever heard. Similar to "Denial, Revisited", the POV character is fully aware of his own blame in the forthcoming breakup. This is a song about guilt and consequences, and lead singer Shaun Morgan screams out both in their most intense. I have to say the original song is tepid, and the protagonist is going to take a weekend to get back on his feet. But in the Seether version he's going to be forever changed after cheating on his lover.

Sarah's thoughts: When Sean told me this song was originally supposed to be a joke, I was shocked! It's safe to say Seether backfired in the best way possible and ended up making a powerful song that really gives sends chills down your spine.


5. Karma -Alicia Keys: The Diary of Alicia Keys (2003) Sometimes it feels good to have a song with the pure message of "In your face!" Alicia sings about being dumped by a man and once he comes crawling back, she's not interested. Deep down, many of us have secretly wanted that moment to tell an ex off, and this song is the perfect way to release those feelings in a productive way.

Sean's thoughts: This could have been the theme song to a James Bond movie if we were to focus on the spy's love life without the car chases. Yeah, Bond is a hero-type, but he's also a womanizer. It would be nice to see one of his flings get fed up with his crap before the credits roll.


6. Solitaire -Laura Branigan: Branigan 2 (1983)

Diane Warren is an interesting figure in songwriting history. Despite the fact that she personally has no interest in romance or commitment, she's produced a whole catalog of love ballads for just about every singer you can name. "Solitaire" was the hit that put her on the map, and it sums up every forlorn lover's power fantasy. I say fantasy because nobody is this passionate about moving on from an ex, if you're over them you just quietly get on with your life. But we all dream about the fictional day where we get to make someone feel as lousy as they've made us feel; playing solitaire, and waiting.

Sarah's thoughts: This song vaguely reminds me a of the late, great Whitney Houston song, "I Learned from the Best." (No shade, that's a compliment to both women!) Just like Whitney, Laura's vocals are powerful and she can hold those notes just like may of the iconic singers.

Sean makes a good point, no one moves on from an ex with such gusto, but how we love to think that we're out living the best life possible while they're either at home, alone, playing solitaire or crying into a pint of ice cream!


7. One More Minute -Weird Al, Dare to Be Stupid (1985)

Many of us have been dumped. Besides it being a soul crushing experience, it's a huge blow to the ego. Sometimes the best way to deal with an awful situation, is to laugh about it. In fact, some people say that laughter is the best revenge, and the iconic Weird Al proves that with one of his most underrated songs to date!

Sean's thoughts: Well, how did this one slip past me? Very few of Al's songs are autobiographical, but this one came from a place of real pain, and thus an anthem was born. Who can't relate to the very specific feeling of "I'd rather rip out my intestines with a fork than watch you going out with other men"?


8. Not a Dry Eye in the House -Meat Loaf: Welcome to the Neighborhood (1995)

And we're back with Diane Warren. As much as I love Warren's work, this song lacks a certain finesse. "There's not a dry eye in the house after love's curtain comes down". Um...love's curtain? Do you think we wouldn't get the metaphor if you just said 'the curtain'? There's also the temple rubbing moment of "You don't love me no more!" which makes Meat Loaf come across as whiny; Mr. Bat out of Hell deserves better. But I include this song because it was so close to being awesome. Imagine if you will a few lyrical tweaks and Loafy conveying emotions counter to what the song suggests. Contempt. Bitterness. A few eye rolls. Instead of embracing the song's melodrama, think of him spitting venom at the apparition of his former lover. And then...right at the end of the song on the last "breaking" all his pride and satisfaction vanishes, and he realizes for the first time that he really is in as much pain as he's been claiming. Now tell me if that isn't better.

Sarah's thoughts: I met Meatloaf when I was 12. I thought he was a great guy, but never listened to his music until I started dating Sean. I then saw what I had been missing out on for so many years. Like Sean said, the lyrics can get cheesy, but Meatloaf has an operatic/rock style voice that's very unique in the music industry. I'm very thankful that Sean introduced me to something special I didn't know I was missing out on for so long.


9. Wait for You -Elliott Yamin: Elliott Yamin (2007)

Elliot came in 3rd on the 5th season of American Idol, despite being one of their best singers that year. While he's never been able to achieve the level of success he deserves, the song "Wait for You" did receive commercial success.

"Wait for You" tells the story of a person who isn't on the same page as their partner when they decide to end things. Instead of the song's subject begging for them to stay or lashing out, they decide to let them do what their now-ex thinks is best. While they may be hurting, they make their feelings known that they still love their ex and in the meantime, all they can do is hope for the best.

Sean's thoughts: I guess it's a matter of perspective whether or not this song is sweetly romantic or a straight up tragedy. Odds are in favor of the latter, but I think we all can relate to false hope. Perhaps this is a cautionary template; if you feel yourself connecting with a song like this, you're in dangerous territory. There is only going to be pain until you're able to shut that door entirely.


10. Try (Just a Little Bit Harder) -Roxette: Room Service (2001)

Roxette could put out a whole album just by compiling their break-up songs, but I've decided to shine a light on the lesser known "Try". Marie Fredriksson sings this one like she is at the absolute darkest level of despair. But this isn't an "I Want You Back" or a "Rescue Me" sort of song, or even something as sure-footed as "I Will Survive". This is her doing her absolute damnedest just to pep-talk herself into standing up from what was probably the mother of emotional collapses. Sometimes the smallest steps are the biggest obstacles. And if the music is any indicator, she just barely makes it to her feet at the end.

Sarah's thoughts: It's impossible to breakup with someone you were in a relationship with and just snap out of it instantly. You need time to grieve and then, one step at time, keep reminding yourself that life will go on and you'll eventually make it to the other side.


11. You Oughta Know -Alanis Morissette: Jagged Little Pill (1995)

While the lyrics are a little.....strong, Alanis unleashing her anger at an ex that hurt her deeply feels like the ultimate revenge anthem. Rather than coming across as the victim, Alanis makes it clear that she's angry and hurt. To make the song even better, you can hear a particular pain in her voice that shows this goes further than just a revenge song; she went through an experience in which she was absolutely wounded. This song shows you that while she was writing it, she put her heart on her sleeve.

Sean's thoughts: I never 'got' Alanis Morissette. I thought she was competent as a singer/songwriter, but to this day I don't understand why people fawned over her. It may be a case of right place/right time, as this particular song seems to encapsulate the pessimistic side of the mid-nineties. But for whatever reason "You Oughta Know" landed squarely on the pulse of the zeitgeist, and it's a recognizable letter in our break-up song's alphabet.


12. Dance Floor Anthem (I Don't Want to Be in Love) -Good Charlotte: Good Morning Revival (2007)

I can't think of a better way out of the downward spiral. Being alone is better than being with the wrong person, no matter how frightening the prospect of isolation may be. A song like this isn't going to change you, or make the pain go away, but it can remind you of who you are and help you tap into your strength. Some times when you're suffering, the only thing you can do is dance. Dance like your life depends on it. Dance in heartache, in anger, and in tears. And just maybe a droplet of joy will trickle in.

Sarah thoughts: Once again, hubs hits it right on the nose when it comes to breaking down songs in this blog! There was a short period after I broke up with my boyfriend of a little over three years. Every so often, he'd tell me, "You'll never find a guy that loves you more than me." I would always brush off his words, but I knew that if what his version of love was what love was supposed to be, then it was better for me to be single.

Although I'm married to the love of my life and couldn't be happier, it's good to take a moment to yourself and realize that even if you don't end up with someone, you'll be OK. In fact, that's sometimes the best route for some. I can assure you that it's better to be alone and happy than with someone for life and either be miserable or just....meh! That's the feeling I get out of this song, and that's a wonderful thing!

The Wax Buzzard Files: Chapter Five -But Who's Counting

This is Chapter Five. If you're looking for an access point other than Chapter Five then I would happily direct your attention elsewhere. But if Chapter Five is all that matters to you, then you may as well stay where you are because this is where Chapter Five is. Thank you.


I dropped Miss Nomer off at her house. I think it was her house. It was a house. She got out of the car. Admittedly I had to force her out, and she chased me down the road for three and a half miles, but I'm pretty sure it was her house.

The irritant from the restaurant made himself at home in the back seat, demanding at regular intervals to know if we were there yet. His name was Joe, although I didn't know it at the time. Or now. But he looked like a Joe. Or a Marcie. Maybe a Marcie Joe if I had to guess, which fortunately I didn't. I only had to drive and ignore him, even as he started kicking the back of my seat.

There's an old saying that I can never remember. I only bring it up because it reminds me of something else that I try really hard to forget. Which reminds me, never try really hard to forget something; it just makes you think about it more. And speaking of more, you know the kind of people who always want more? We need less of them. And when I say less I mean fewer in number, and not that I expect them to lose a few pounds. Although the easiest way to lose a few pounds is to get mugged in London. I've never been to London, but there was this real nutcase in town who kept mugging cameras. We had plenty of evidence against him, but it still took a while to put him away because he kept squirming.

Well I'd obviously taken a wrong turn somewhere, and I had to backtrack a few streets to figure it out. Let's see; -cameras -mugging -London -pounds -fewer -more -forgetting -That was it. I was forgetting something. The price tag on the diamond; if I find that, I close the case. Everybody goes home happy, assuming they like being at home.

Locating missing evidence is never about where to start, but where to end. It's always in the last place you look. The trick is, figure out where you're going to look last, and start there. So I guess it is about where to start. Now I was confused.

I pulled into a seedy service station called "Nothing to See Here" and hopped out of the car, which rolled a few more yards before coming to a rest. "Wait here," I told the irritant, which prompted him to defiantly reach for the door handle. "Simon says, wait here!" That works every time. Not even the underbelly of society would challenge that name drop, it's more powerful than the double dog dare.

Everything about "Nothing to See Here" said 'go away' except for the sign on the door that said 'nah just kidding, come on in'. I took it as an invitation and put it in my pocket. The door had clear glass panes, painted over with translucent nail polish. Someone had tried to obscure the meeting on the other side of the door, but I could see right through it.

There they were. About a dozen of them. I could tell by their suits and briefcases and the PowerPoint presentation that they meant business. The odds weren't good; and with an even number in there, my arrival would make me the odd man. Fortunately I know a thing or two about stuff.

I threw the door open and ran inside the station like somebody who really wanted to be in there. "Hey!" I yelled, pointing in the direction from whence I came. "There's a guy in that car!" In unison, three of them dove behind the counter. Two leapt through the window. One jumped up and ran around the aisles screaming and waving his arms a lot. One just started crying where he was, and had to be escorted to the back room by four of his buddies to work through some emotional residue. Unless my math is wrong, that left me alone with just the ringleader, evening the odds. I pulled out the chair that was across the table from him. He glared at me as I sat down, as well as after.

"Detective Nathaniel Guffey," I said, "That's my name, in case you're wondering. I'd like to ask you a few questions." I placed Miss Nomer's card on the table and slid it in his direction, tossing it the rest of the way because it was a big table. "Tell me what you know about the owner of that card."

"That wasn't a question," he pointed out observantly.

"What can you tell me about the card's owner?"

"Jewel thief," he said. "That's her SUV outside."

So that's why she was chasing me earlier. "Can you tell me something I don't know?"

"Do you know about the pawn shop on East and Seventh?"

"No I don't."

"Well, there is one."

I hadn't known that. I did know about the pawn shop on Northeast and Seventh. The place had gone south after a deal with Mr. Happy had left her slightly displeased. I thanked the station's owner for the tip. "You've been very helpful for some reason."

"Detective Guffey, I'd run if I were you."

"And why is that?"

"You have the build of a runner."

I took his compliment seriously and sprinted out the back door. The irritant followed me in the SUV, getting as far as the front seat before having to turn the engine on.

By the time I got to the pawn shop it was a little bit later. The place was closed for renovations, but they let me in when they figured out I wasn't a renovation; some people never change. I went up to the counter and asked to be shown the finest price tag available. When it didn't answer, I turned my attention to the clerk behind the counter, and posed the same request. Without so much as a word, he explained in great detail how he had nothing to say to me on that subject. I politely asked him to shut-up, and reminded him for the first time that I wasn't somebody who took 'no' for granted.

He reached into his shirt's front pocket and pulled out a revolver. He tried pointing it at me but it kept spinning, so instead he threw it at my head. Everything went black, due to a power surge. By the time the lights came back on I was face down on the floor, unconscious, and completely unaware of the terrible things my captor was saying about my mother. I had a dream that I vowed right then and there that justice would be served, whether I had a hand in it or not.