Tuesday, June 5, 2018

The League of Super Bystanders

I don't know if you've noticed, but superhero movies have become kind of popular as of the past eighteen years. It's a comfortable formula; boy meets radiation, boy meets villain, girl gets killed, boy the message boards get ugly.

And the great thing is, you know who's good and bad without having to waste valuable explosion time on character development. Even if you haven't read the 93 issue comic book mini-series of Captain Smiling Harold, you can surmise from the happy face on his uniform that he's the guy you're going to be rooting for. Likewise, when a shuttle with the words 'Muah Ha Ha' spray painted on the side lands on Planet Unarmed'nDesolate and Darth Clobber steps out, you'd have to be a first time movie goer to think that he might be there to open up an orphanage.

It seems in the world of the Supers, you have to be a hero or a villain. Even if you're affably evil or a type 22 anti-hero, you're still relegated into one category or the other. Well that got me thinking, as many unfortunate things do. What is the grey area? Obviously its where the lowly unpowered peons like ourselves reside. But what of the Supers who just don't have any ambition to make the world better, or to conquer anything? Well, I've gotten it in my head that this is interesting, so I'd like to submit a proverbial League of Super Bystanders for fair use in any cape and cowl setting. I've chosen eight characters, who may or may not be useful in various situations but are always available for some controlled action.


1. Captain Slacker: Power -Innovation

His costume is a plain leotard/tights set that he never bothered to decorate with anything, and the first cape he could find which probably doesn't color coordinate with the rest of the outfit. He's often mistakenly referred to as Whatever Man, as this is his most common response to instruction, but his name is Captain Slacker, even if he can't be bothered to correct you.

He's more likely to be hired by the villains, as superheroes tend to accurately convey the nature of the task with which they need the outside help; and while C.S. is usually between jobs, if it sounds hard he'll probably pass. But villains have a knack for making things sound good. A cushy job loading up boxcars with uranium? Sure.

If you can keep from strangling him, you'll find he's actually quite beneficial. As the adage goes: give the job to a lazy man, he'll find an easier way to do it. If you've got an ongoing operation, and you're fairly certain Batman has bombs to defuse elsewhere, go ahead and bring C.S. on board. You'll be surprised at how efficient things become in favor of him sitting around more. Just don't expect him to tolerate the typical Super Villain flair. Shooting the hero in the face is so much easier than that sophisticated conveyor belt of doom you've been dying to use.


2. The Cheer Follower: Power -agility

So you have a complicated plan that requires split-second timing, coordination, and most of all an extra pair of hands. Perhaps you need a loud distraction. Or maybe you'd just like to feel that somebody is fully behind you. Call on the Cheer Follower.

As you'd expect, Cheerie is a standard tennis shoes/skirt/pigtails/enthusiasm combination. She's game for just about anything. Break in, break out, heist, rescue. She can jump, climb, flip, catch, tumble, and she's got stamina to spare. Just don't bring her along on a stealth mission.

The downside is, she's not the Cheer Leader, she's the Cheer Follower. When plans go awry, as they're wont to do, Cheerie's not likely to improvise. She's not going to mess up with what you've told her to do, but if someone else on your team ruins the flow, in her eyes the routine is over. Oh, and you can't really expect her to keep going once someone gets hurt. She's a daredevil, and she'll put herself in all kinds of danger for you. But as soon as you punch that thug out? Nope. It's not a game anymore. No one is supposed to get hurt in these things, not even an evil megalomaniac.


3. Empath Abbey: Power -infiltration

Like her castle counterpart from the Ultima series, Abbey has a particular affinity for the medieval style. As such, she's likely to be found in a renaissance dress, not particularly practical to fight or escape in, but she's not that kind of Bystander.

Abbey is a unique case on this list, in the sense that nobody hires her for their own purposes. In fact, nobody necessarily hires her so much as...kind of accidentally gets her to help from the opposite side. See, Abbey is the antithesis of a master manipulator. She picks up on ulterior motives the way most people overhear the fire alarm going off in the hall. She's already figured out what you really want before you can ask for her help, and she doesn't respond well people who have an agenda.

So your best bet is, don't have one. If a guy is threatening to blow up the city, be honest with her. "Some guy is threatening to blow up the city and I don't know what to do about it." "I sense this is something that frightens you." "Yes, I'm terrified." Once you've gotten through the part where doing nothing about it would provoke entirely too much guilt, chances are you'll have her on board on her own terms. And she'll find the bomber before you do and get inside his head while you're fidgeting with the locks. "I hear what you're saying," she'll tell him, "and I understand the emotions where this violence is coming from. Is it possible that what you really want is..." And it's not a very exciting conclusion, but it's an effective one. And naturally, there's never any need to thank her.


4. Hobby Horse: Power -occupation

The movies only show you the exciting stuff, but in any surveillance or crime there's a whole lot of waiting around. Super Heroes get bored and hired thugs get tense. There's a market for a neutral third party to come in and just kill some time.

Hobby Horse is the newest member in the long list of comic book characters who fixate on a particular animal. But unlike the aggressive animals such as the wolverine, the black panther, and the...um...penguin, a horse's life involves a lot of standing around and eating grass. A lot of free time. So Hobbs attached to the idea that horses need something to do, and thus Hobby Horse was born.

In appearance, Hobbs looks like a guy in overalls with a horse head (originally made from Paper Mache but recently graduated to more authentic looking mask-work). He didn't get into the Bystander business on purpose but he has a natural talent for keeping people entertained, as he always carries around a deck of cards and a couple of easy craft kits. There have been many a night where vigilantes have raided a weapons warehouse and found Hobbs in the corner, casually putting away a half-assembled jigsaw puzzle.


5. Negative Nancy: Power -detail

A few things to keep in mind with Nancy. First off, despite your initial judgment, it is in fact beneficial to have her on your team. Second, her negativity isn't for it's own sake like that of the Grouch Master (future blog forthcoming, maybe). Nancy simply has a sixth sense for finding flaws, and revealing them is the only way she knows how to connect with the world.

You: "All right, this is our chance to apprehend the Wild Wombat. I want Sly Devil on the roof, Mooseman covering the exit, and the Pummeler ready to bring the Navy Van around the front once the shockwave starts humming. Ready to do this?" Nancy: "What are you going to do about the parking meter?" Yeah, it's annoying and it kind of kills the momentum, but a little teeth grinding is a fair trade if it keeps the team vehicle from being towed.

Nancy doesn't have a costume, because she thinks the whole thing is dumb, and she'll let you know. But on all things practical, she's worth listening to. Just know that if you have thin skin, it's not a bad idea to keep Cheerie on retainer or to have Empathic Abbey on speed dial.


6. The Pen Pal: Power -reconnaissance

Let's start with the bad. Pen is a bit of a kleptomaniac. Not in a major way, mind you. Just when it comes to pens and notepads. He doesn't even seem to realize he's doing it, and most hotels and banks tend to shrug his activities off. But Pen has a permanent ban on him from most school supply stores, something to bear in mind.

Also, most people find maintaining an alliance with him to be more trouble than it's worth. Pen has a fascination with the mundane details of everyone's life, including yours and his. And he wants to keep a record of said events. The masked goons that held up the fast food restaurant? Yeah, sure, that happened. But the fact that the restaurant was out of napkins and the manager had to ask the cashier to go to the back and open a new box? At least two paragraphs.

The upside is, if you ever need a pen, you know he's carrying several dozen in more coat pockets than he realizes his long coat has; and he's not selfish when it comes to sharing them. He also loves to travel, and has a knack for doing it on a dime. So let's say you have an assignment next month in Romania. You've never been to Romania, but the Pen Pal is ready to hop on a boat or plane or balloon at the slightest provocation and go take in the local flavor for you. You're not going to get pertinent information like base layout or how many guards there are, but you'll hear all about the weather and the power outage on Tuesday. Not bad information to have if you're going undercover as a local.


7. The Redundant: Power -skill mimicry

I don't know that anyone has ever intentionally hired Old Red for any reason. He just seems to show up, typically with the right outfit for the job that you've already hired somebody else for. Need a second getaway driver? No, of course you don't, because if something happens to the first one, it's probably going to derail the whole mission right there. But just in case, you've got a backup. Called in a hacker specialist for this one gig? Old Red can also do that, at least for now. The next gig, he seems to have forgotten the codes, which is why you didn't go with him in the first place.

Still, he's not bad to have on hand. Every assignment either succeeds or fails. For the failures, nobody gets paid. For the successes, you can always scrounge together enough green to give him a cut, whether or not he did anything. And you may find that you have a second copy of the document that you need to destroy. It probably not useful, but creative types can pull victories out of odd places.

For example, nobody needs to be executed twice, but imagine you're going up against the Nigh Invulnerable (Ni, to his friends). Your hired gun empties the chambers into Ni's chest, which do nothing to him. He laughs dramatically and opens the front of his shirt to reveal his secret; a lead lined frying pan he'd shielded his vitals with, which he proudly tosses to the side as your hired gun is clearly out of bullets. Then the Redundant steps in, characteristically about a minute behind, and repeats the execution. You get the idea. He's probably useless, but it's no real skin off your nose having him, and those rare moments of helpfulness more than make up for all the times that he's just in the way.


8. Wander Woman: Power -super stuff

Like her DC counterpart, Wandie has the Amazonian skill set at her disposal, and all things being equal she could probably hold down her own Netflix series. The problem is her unreliability. She means well. And if you call on her services, she's more than happy to tell you she's on her way. But her time management skills are not good, nor is her ability to prioritize or sense urgency.

She has a pretty solid track record in helping people, and those who've been on the receiving end of it speak highly of her. But they're all people she simply happened upon while needed a sofa moved or a cow rescued or a wall knocked down. Anyone who needs her NOW gives her less than stellar Yelp reviews.

But it's not all that hard to maximize Wandie's output for when she shows up as long as you're willing to be a little flexible. First, plan ahead. You need a train moved sideways. Call her up and tell her about when you need her. "Sometime next week" is a good range to work within. Now tell everybody who works the train yard, including the overnight workers, exactly what you need done. Maybe have a couple of side tasks on hand in the event that she doesn't immediately meander away. In fact, it's not a bad idea to keep a list of heavy lifting assignments on the back burner, as sometimes she'll show up unannounced just to see if you need a hand with anything. "Sure, while you're here, one of my senior executives has been embezzling the offshore accounts. Do you mind running him to the precinct?" Yeah, you probably should have done it yourself, but we all get busy. When she's there, she's a blessing. Just don't expect any rhyme or reason behind her arrival.