A Thousand Words

This was my piece for our 2015 Flash Fiction Night at the Hoover Public Library. I had the idea rattling around in my head for a few years of doing a story that literally cut itself off midsentence once it reached the thousand word limit. As is the usual case with my flash fiction, A Thousand Words is meant to be performed out loud.

If you want to hear me read it myself, you can check out my video at A Thousand Words.

A Thousand Words

Marguerite!

God save me, where is that girl?

MARGUERITE!

Pay attention child, when I call you.

Now, my painting has arrived at last. I need you to fetch an iron spike and a strong mallet from the stable so you can hang it- Now.

I don’t know why I bothered having the damn thing commissioned. One image to capture my likeness for all eternity? I only have the potential for disappointment.

Marguerite! You’re ten steps away! Have you become lost again? Oh dear, I can feel the pounding in my skull already.

Welcome back Marguerite. Now I want you to drive the spike into the middle of that unsightly depression beside the mantle where that awful statue used to be. Over there. –Well take the painting with you! I want it hanged so my eyes in the portrait are on the exact eye level they would be, were I to stand in that spot. Lift it up! That’s a walnut frame Marguerite! Don’t drag it.

This painting is my immortality. When I’m gone, this single image of me will remain. Although for the life of me I don’t know how a person’s whole self can be attached to a mere portrait, but nonetheless this is my legacy Marguerite, now please treat it with the respect it deserves.

Wait. Bring it back. I want to look at it before it’s mounted permanently. Keep it off the floor Marguerite. Now show it to me.

Well I know what the back of it looks like. Turn it around child! I’m quite certain I’ve paid much more dearly than it’s worth- oooookay…

 .......................

Keep it off the floor Marguerite.

I suppose it will have to do. It never fails to astound me the consistency with which one’s expectations are never met. Disillusionment is the only guarantee no matter how often you take your hopes lower, lower, lower…

What are you doing? Didn’t I just tell you to keep it off the floor? Are these instructions difficult?

You must understand, I can’t blame you for the quality of the painting itself, but I can hold you accountable for its condition. Now please, Marguerite. Thank you.

Did I ever tell you of the only portrait I’ve ever seen which truly captured the very essence of its subject? I can’t imagine why I would have. The piece was owned by a gentleman in Lipson. Portugal. The figure in the painting was a baroness or something. She was delicious. I can’t remember her name, but those eyes. Those wonderful dark seething eyes. Until my dying breath I’ll never stop thinking about them.

She had that intensity you could only find in the most cunning of predators. No matter which angle you stood, her eyes seemed to stare at you. Into you. Dissecting you. She must have been quite the spider in her day. And the artist’s craftsmanship with the brush didn’t stop there. Her lips were frozen in a perpetual smirk as that of an insatiable goddess to whom men would sacrifice their very livelihoods to please. And one could feel the painter’s unbridled lust in every bristle stroke caressing her porcelain skin. I imagine he must have felt he was having quite the mad affair with his succubus. From what I understand, this wound up being the man’s final piece, though Heaven knows what ever happened to him-

Marguerite! Have you not heard a single word I’ve said? I grow weary of saying this, but if I find a single blemish on that frame you’ll leave me with no choice but to dock your wages until I have it, and the entire floor of this room, replaced! And then you.

Stupid girl. I don’t know why I ever bothered taking you in. And now you’ve gone and caused me to completely lose my facility of thought.

God be merciful, where was I? Eyes, lips, something about an affair, nobody of importance

–ah yes! Her husband.

He was a man of power, or so he believed. He came from luxury and she from nothing worth mentioning. The man had enough wealth to surround himself with the most lavish aesthetics of his time, including his lovely baroness.

All he ever expected from her was beauty.

She gave it –and nothing else.

She never did anything, never even spoke throughout the whole of their marriage. She was just beautiful. And those eyes and lips drove him into rages with an unexpected need to please her.

He would try, and fail. And that itch held sway over him. When he realized the power she had, he could bear her no more, and ordered his servants to dispose of her. And when they failed to follow through he tried to murder her himself, only to fall slave to that impure glisten in her eyes. He tried over and over and never came any closer.

In the end, the poor fool tore his own eyes out. Can you believe that? This woman was so beautiful, her own husband would rather blind himself than feel helpless in her presence.

That was power.

 ....................

Just drag it over to the mantelpiece and hang it. No! Don’t drag it Marguerite. Up! It’s not that heavy.

Have you ever heard the expression ‘a picture is worth a thousand words’? Such an odd saying. Why so specific? Was that meant to be a criticism on the insufficient use of the written language? If the picture truly is the superior method for conveying content, then why are picture books meant for children?

Well if that painting is unable to capture my likeness, then I find it highly doubtful anyone could accurately portray my life from start to finish in such a short span of words as a mere thousand.

Marguerite, must I do everything myself? These are the simplest of instructions. Let me demonstrate visually for you. See where I’m standing? The eyes of my portrait on the level of my real eyes.

Drive the spike in.

Editorial: Seven Miscast Characters (and One to Grow On)

Doesn't it feel empowering yet disillusioning when you realize you're better suited for a job as a Hollywood studio executive than eighty-five percent of the people in those positions? I think the film industry would have much more stability if every decision (which film to rehash, whether or not to accept David Goyer's phone calls) was randomly run through someone's Twitter account.


Of course some choices are more glaringly frustrating than others. For example, the casting of Ken Branagh as Sir Laurence Olivier in My Week with Marilyn seems a little odd on the surface since the two actors look very little alike, but in execution Branagh acted the role so well (and the movie wasn't focused on him anyway) that it wasn't an issue. At the other end is Channing Tatum being cast as, well, anything. Gambit, we hardly knew ye.


Of course opinions are like memorabilia, they're only as valuable as the person willing to pay for them believes they are. But they're still worth putting on the display shelf. So after an intensive few minutes of thought I present my collection of the most notably miscast roles, and who should have played them instead. In no order.


Miss Hannigan -Cameron Diaz Annie 2014


Cameron Diaz is a talented enough actress to get by on the career she has, but she's not one of the greats and she never will be. She sure as hell isn't Carol Burnett. But while as comparison to an original performer is inevitable, it shouldn't be the end-all review. But looking at her performance on its own, Diaz is just kind of...there...doing Diaz stuff. When Diaz is in a role where she's funny, it's because the role is written and/or directed to be funny. She's not the kind of actress who can do it on her own. But you know who can?


Who it should have been: Kristen Johnston


We mostly know her from her role as Sally on Third Rock from the Sun, but that's all you need to know. Johnston is a rare comedic gem. She can switch from feminine to masculine, confident to awkward, threatening to utter helplessness all at the drop of a hat without ever losing her character or timing. Miss Hannigan is a woman who is defeated first, undefeated second; meaning, she already knows that she's unable to choke those kids before she even realizes that she wants to. That's the way a comedic villain character in a family movie needs to be played. Diaz comes across as defeated and unmotivated. Johnston on the other hand was born to play the conflicting forces.


Inspector Clouseau -Steve Martin The Pink Panther 2006


Steve Martin is one of the most talented comedic actors of the past few generations, but that doesn't make him limitless. His casting as Clouseau really felt like "We want to make the movie. Martin said 'yes'. It's not like we've got anyone better." I understand from an executive standpoint, Martin was a safe bet, but he was still an incorrect one. Simply put, he's too Steve Martin. Every role he plays, book he writes, or gig he hosts is all part of the singular entity we've spent decades getting to know named Steve Martin. Essentially, Peter Sellers created the character of Clouseau (as well as his whole portfolio) out of the complete lack of identity he had as an actor. That's a tough costume to don.


Who it should have been: Johnny Depp


Now, I never got on the Depp wagon; I never believed Jack Sparrow was an Oscar-worthy performance and I felt you only had to look at Secret Window to see that, yes, Depp can do wrong. But that's not the issue here. Depp has demonstrated an approach to acting where he takes these traits from William Howard Taft and combines them with these traits from Dennis Rodman and then throws in a smidge of Zeppo Marx, and bingo! New character that sounds a little like Jack Sparrow. More often than not his characters approach caricature, but that's really how Clouseau needs to be played. You're not discovering anything about yourself as an actor, you're just doing things. And audiences would have accepted Depp in the role more readily than Martin.


Willy Wonka -Johnny Depp Charlie and the Chocolate Factory 2005


Was wasn't wrong with this performance? Depp's Wonka was entirely in negative space. His actor's choice was to take everything Gene Wilder did and go a different direction with it. That doesn't create a character, it creates an anti-character, with Michael Jackson's traits (despite what Tim Burton wants to believe). I do see the dilemma here. Wilder's portrayal was so defined and iconic and energetically charged that trying to out-Wilder him would be like trying to out-extrovert a Tex Avery cartoon. How do you get out of that shadow? (You could always, um, not...make...the movie?)


Who it should have been: Alan Cumming


My original thought was Martin Short but I was still getting stuck on Wilder's frantic side, and Short is one of the few performers who can legitimately match Wilder on that front. But to remake Wonka, he needs to be grounded, but in a world other than ours. You really need a Puck-ish actor like Nightcrawler to present an 'elsewhere' naivety and wisdom. Cumming has a natural charisma and amiability that makes him look like someone you could trust your kids with, but he also carries that chaotic glint in his eyes. He won't send you to your doom but he's willing to take amusement in your demise when you ignore the warnings. Cumming just somehow seems to be in control.


Peter Vincent -David Tennant Fright Night 2011


I will go on record and say that David Tennant is at the top of my two-name list (Colin O'Donoghue is the other one) of men I'd happily snog. So it pains me to say that this role was not a good fit for Tennant. In his defense: just like Depp's Wonka was in negative space, this whole damn movie was identified by what it wasn't. It's NOT the original. It's NOT Twilight. Tennant is NOT the Doctor. I did NOT spend eight bucks on this. But ignoring the fact that this bad remake of a good movie pays no attention to Roddy McDowall's stellar turn as an aging B movie actor, let's just say that Tennant's transformation into Criss Angel is unconvincing.


Who it should have been: Russell Brand

People go into Vegas magic because they don't have Tennant's looks. Russell Brand on the other hand looks like Russell Brand. Funny thing though, he has a surprising level of likability. I didn't want to like him in the Arthur remake but he managed to win me over, and he proved to be the best thing about Rock of Ages. There's something boyish about Brand that would have defined this version of Peter Vincent as a magician who surrounded himself with a vampire motif yet still knew nothing about vampires. Not that the movie still wouldn't have sucked, but at least they could have gotten Peter Vincent right.


Daphne Blake -Sarah Michelle Gellar Scooby Doo 2002

Perhaps you've noticed from my past blogs that I grew up on Scooby Doo. As such, I have a particular possessiveness about my childhood heroes. This movie was a stain. But let's talk Gellar. I like her as an actress, but she wasn't Daphne. I don't think anybody involved in the film even knew who Daphne was apart from being the ginger chick. So Gellar winds up playing Buffy instead. Now let's be honest, there wasn't a lot to work with in the Scooby-verse regarding Daphne and Fred in 2002, most of that character development happened in years since. But when you don't have a solid foundation to work with, you need to cast an actor who naturally comes across as the character you want them to play.


Who it should have been: Isla Fisher


They even had her in the movie! I think what probably happened was Fisher auditioned for the role, they liked her but she wasn't known at the time, so they cast her in an unimportant minor role as opposed to an unimportant major one. Bottom line: Gellar looks like Buffy. Fisher looks like Daphne. And Freddie Prinze Jr. looks lost. I'd have him on this list too but I really can't think of who should have played the role instead. At least I can say Gellar was doing Buffy; I have no idea what Prinze was doing. It wasn't Fred Jones.


The Cat -Mike Myers The Cat in the Hat 2003

Mike Myers does have a decent bag of tricks as an entertainer. The problem is, by the time he played this beloved Dr. Seuss character he had already emptied it out. Actually that's the first problem. The second is that Myers's brand of comedy plays to a different audience than Dr. Seuss's does, and the film suffers for it. In fact, out of all the examples on this list, The Cat in the Hat takes the most damage from one single miscasting. The other movies succeed or fail or REALLY fail where they do for a multitude of reasons, but this one got derailed from the first poster that went up.


Who it should have been: Ryan Stiles

He's not an A-lister but you don't need one for a Dr. Seuss movie, Seuss is the A-lister. Ryan Stiles is a living cartoon character. He's got the build and the face. Anyone who is familiar with his improvisational skill on Who's Line is it Anyway? knows what a force of comedy he is. But the absolute best thing about him is that he can play innocent as often as he needs to, and innocence is exactly what the movie lacked. Myers can't. There's just too much naughtiness in him. Stiles has the precise amount. That would have been gold. Throw Colin Mochrie in as the voice of the Fish in the Pot and you're approaching platinum.


General Zod -Michael Shannon Man of Steel 2013

I've seen Michael Shannon in two movies, Man of Steel and Premium Rush. He played the primary villain in both movies. Both times he failed to convince me that he was a threat. I was okay with it in Premium Rush but I know who General Zod is supposed to be. He's a ruthless tyrant. When Terrence Stamp played him in the Richard Donner films he had this look in his eyes that told you he was holding himself back, but ready to tear your arms off in a beat. Shannon looks like he's inconvenienced. Every time he enters a scene I expect his first line to be "I wish to register a complaint."


Who it should have been: Karl Urban

Karl Urban is possibly the most versatile actor of this generation, but if you really want to see why I see Zod in him go to Netflix and watch his turn as Julius Caesar on Xena: Warrior Princess. He hits every point on the nose from the tyrannical arrogance to the animalistic venom. Or if you really want to see him stretch his acting skills watch him bring Judge Dredd to life for ninety-five minutes using only his mouth. Urban is at an exciting point in his career where he's on the cusp of really cracking the mainstream market but hasn't quite been pigeonholed. Enjoy this wonderful actor's array of talent before Hollywood executives screw this up too.


And the obligatory acknowledgement: Arnold Schwarzenegger standing in for Mr. Freeze

Batman and Robin. It was infuriating, then it was fun to hate on, then it was funny, then it as sad, and then it was just a part of our collective obscenities. But from the very beginning everyone said Patrick Stewart should have been the first choice to play Victor Fries. Schwarzenegger would be the third choice just behind anybody-but-Schwarzenegger. Does that still hold up today? With utmost sincerity, no. I for one am deeply grateful that that piece of holy shite Batman is on Schwarzenegger's imdb page and not Stewart's. If there had been something (anything) worthwhile about it, I'd probably still be mad. But this movie made me realize how much I would love to see a fully miscast Batman film starring Bobcat Goldthwait as the Caped Crusader and Gilbert Gottfried as the Boy Wonder.


Those are the main ones I can think of. Do you have any that you feel should appear in a part two of this list?