Tuesday, December 31, 2019

2019 Movie Wrap-Up

Another year, another three and a half blog posts for me: man I love working two jobs and having depression issues! Well, 2019 sure sucked. And considering 2018 set the bar so low you could roll on the ground and clear it- seriously dude, were you even trying?

But let's focus on escapism. The movies I saw this year were pretty good overall. Maybe I'm just getting better at choosing which ones to skip, but I had a fairly enjoyable movie run. In fact I think my biggest disappointments came from the movies I din't see (why did so many of you jackasses pay for The Lion King?). So as per tradition, let me take you on a tour of every film I saw and my one paragraph reaction.

Escape Room

This was almost a good movie. I'm a bit of a sucker for plots where people have to use their wits to get out of life or death situations, and this movie did so many things right. The characters were well fleshed out and the focus weighed suspense over gore. Moreover, unlike the Cube series that invariably influenced it, the horror element never overpowered all sense of hope. Unfortunately it tripped in the last act by revealing just a little too much about the organization behind the death traps, which makes me feel lukewarm about next year's sequel. But it's entertaining enough to be worth a rental.

The Lego Movie 2: The Second Part

We're going to see several examples on this list of sequels not being quite as good as their predecessors, and I think it's worth pointing out why that is. The first Lego Movie had a major reveal that upped the emotional ante and it simply couldn't be duplicated. So that was working against the franchise. But pushing past the elephant, everything else about the film was on point; a stronger story arc for Lucy, a natural progression of (literal) world building, some delightful additions to the song library, and an ironically topical subtext about divisiveness. Despite the usual trappings of sequeldom, this film succeeded at everything it set out to accomplish. But fair warning: a third film is not likely to maintain that quality, so why don't we all just be happy with the gift as it is?

Happy Death Day 2U

I can't think of another franchise so skilled at bouncing around genres. Tree is back, and that's good because her hero's journey in the first movie made me want more of her. The sequel tests her resolve to continue being the hero she had the misfortune to stumble into previously. It's easier to do the right thing when your back is against the wall than it is when you're in the shadows facing a consequence-free choice between personal want and greater good. Even if the silly factor of the film occasionally gets a hair too pungent, Tree remains as engaging a heroine as any who wears a cape. It's heart that makes a hero, not power. Hey! Speaking of...

Captain Marvel

I just realized how good of a year it was for female figures in cinema. The box office might not accurately reflect it but 2019 had a substantial sampling of sisters doing it for themselves (See, boys? They're not so scary). So the MCU finally got on board with diversity and gave us the Superman movie DC seems allergic to. On the one hand, Captain Marvel didn't carry the cultural impact Wonder Woman and Black Panther did, but it did everything else right. Brie Larson brings all the fun, conflict, and humanity an overpowered character like Carol Danvers requires. Her 'getting back up' montage is something we all could stand to benefit from by internalizing. "I have nothing to prove," she declares. Damn right girl. I'd vote for you.

Shazam!

Okay, the back-to-back releases coupled with a perpetual dispute over which superhero is the legitimate Captain Marvel makes a comparison inevitable, so here's mine. If I have to pick, Shazam! is probably the better movie. But with that said, I've seen Shazam! once and I feel like I've gotten all I'm going to get out of the character, whereas I've seen Miss Danvers's debut twice and I'm looking forward to revisiting it; you tell me which is better. But on the merits of its own studio, Shazam! encapsulates everything that was missing from The Dark Knight Rises through the Zack Snyder period. Hope. A sense that things might actually get better if we work together to make them so. I really can't imagine where a sequel would be able to go, but Shazam! is an inpsiring beginning to end story about love and support.

Avengers: Endgame

I'll be honest, I was lost from the opening scene; I feel like I needed about twenty-one films worth of back story just to understand what was going on. Did anyone else even go see this one? It looked pretty expensive, I wonder if it even made back half its budget. Oh well, you can't win them all, I just hope the studio behind it had something else this year to absorb the deficit. But milking that joke aside, you don't need me to tell you that the most amazing thing about this film was that it pulled off the expectations plaguing it. Kevin Feige, the Russo brothers, and probably two countries worth of cast and crew created the cinematic equivalent of the planet Jupiter without it crumbling under its own weight. Flawed? Yes, it was a finale that probably needed another hour to effectively smooth out. But sometimes you just have to embrace the flaws and accept the wonderfulness the way it is. Wow, that's a sweet message, somebody should make a movie about that...

UglyDolls

I had a couple of pleasant surprises from the cinema this year, and this animated film was the biggest gem. At first glance it looks like The Diet Lego Movie, basically a feature length toy commercial with a soundtrack and hopefully a message about something uncontroversial. Yeah, that's all it is. Until you start paying attention to the lyrics by Glenn Slater and the script by Alison Peck (keep an eye on her career). The psychological effects of unrealistic beauty standards is a heavy topic for children to grasp, and indeed way too many adults. This movie isn't going to prevent the bullying and verbal abuse that all children will invariably face from their peers, but it just might plant a seed in their minds that gives them a handhold in adolescence. Special mentions goes to Nick Jonas's despicably abusive villain song "The Ugly Truth" and Janelle Monáe's brokenness disguised as pop sugar song "All Dolled Up". You know you totally ignored this one. Trust me, give it a chance now.

Detective Pikachu

Kudos to the team that did the first trailer, they made it look just bizarre enough to be intriguing. It's another Roger Rabbit template, this time with Justice Smith in the thankless role of actor who has to emote off of dead air. You might not notice but he's really good; Smith is destined to be a powerhouse in a few years. But the truth is, nothing matters until Ryan Reynolds shows up. Here's the thing about Reynolds: post Deadpool he could have a career spanning the next decade just by phoning it in, but he doesn't do that. His comedic timing is as solid as you'd expect, but he looks for those emotional beats as an actor. When he finds them, he swings right at the sweet spot. I've never cared about Pokémon, but I cared about these characters. I'm sure it was much more riveting for a Pokémon fan, but even with my mere passing appreciation for Mewtwo I left the theater in a very good mood.

Aladdin

Notice I skipped the live Dumbo? We really need to stop encouraging this. I waited until my library had it on DVD, and I think if I'd paid anything for it I'd be more honed on the weaknesses. But if you imagine you're watching a really good TV-movie version of Aladdin it has a certain charm. Will Smith is decent as the Genie, even though I don't think he's really doing his best. Mena Massoud fares better as Aladdin, adding a few more layers to the character. But it's Naomi Scott's Jasmine who ultimately hijacks the movie. Gone is the marrying-for-love angle, she's trying to understand the people her lineage is in charge of. It might have made for a better story to put her in as the protagonist, because in the fleeting moments where the movie manages to step away from the source material it starts to work. At least she finally got a solo, and it's a powerful one.

Dark Phoenix

I didn't hate it. Unfortunately that's the good news. The X-Men franchise has a special place in the history of comics to screen, but the party ended a long time ago. It's become brand loyalty now. Days of Future Past was probably the last chance to fix it, and that didn't really happen. Just let the horse retire with dignity before you beat it to death.

Toy Story 4

How many frigging times can we say goodbye to these characters? Going into it I felt like it was unneeded. Coming out of it I felt like it was unwanted. Too many story arcs without any particular one taking the focus, vital characters pushed to the background, and I don't know what everyone is on about but Forky is a Saturday Night Live catchphrase character. Pixar is becoming DreamWorks. I know it's a cash cow for Disney, but in terms of quality I'm beginning to wonder if the company really needs two animation studios anymore.

Spider-Man: Far From Home

Ever since the Summer movie season extended from March to October, actual movies released during the Summer have had a dip in finesse. Fortunately Avengers: Epilogue rescued me from the July 4th weekend. Tom Holland IS Spider-Man; and even better, he IS Peter Parker. With a little less push for spectacle and more attention to character moments, Far From Home demonstrates how the MCU has plenty of room to mature (I mean it in a good way). Jake Gyllenhaal absolutely nails it as Mysterio, tapping into his natural charisma as a tactic. Michael Keaton's Vulture was scary because he looked it. Mysterio is scary because he doesn't. Poor Peter Parker, you just know these guys are going to be teaming up at some point.

Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs and Shaw

I love action movies, but I just don't connect with alpha-male machismo. I find those characters really have no heart, just a drive, and thus there's nothing for me to root for, making a movie with no tension. The Rock and Jason Statham are inherently likable action stars, but the Fast & Furious series reduces them to caricatures. The stunts are impressive, and I'm sure some very talented people put their lives on the line, but these movies just don't make it feel that anything really matters. It's just strange to me how the fate of the world can be at stake and still feel like nothing's at stake. Ultimately this isn't my series.

Ready or Not

Man, I wanted to like this movie, and I did to a point. Samara Weaving has a range and a real future in films. This comedy/horror about a bride marrying into a super-wealthy bat-shit crazy family had everything in place, and it did so many things right. Because of a pact with the devil, the family has to hunt (and evidently kill) their newest member before sunrise. It's a great set-up, and their incompetence with the antique weaponry gives the game a realistic feel (did you know it takes more than one arrow to kill somebody?). The problem is, at no point does the bride get to become the hunter, which is the whole point of a movie like this. She fights back, but she stays on the defense, and it's unsatisfying. I'd much rather go back and rewatch Happy Death Day.

Joker

I'm lying. I didn't see it. And I'm not going to. I've put it here because as someone who deals with a mental health disorder, I continue to be insulted that Todd "Society's-gotten-too-easily-offended-for-me-to-do-comedy-anymore" Phillips ever attached a mental health disorder to a character like the Joker and that so many people praised it. I don't care if it's good or if it reminds you of Taxi Driver, it's irresponsible. That's all I have to say about it.

Maleficent: Mistress of Evil

Moving on to a happier subject; fantasy genocide. I love the Maleficent movies. I know they're far from perfect, but the character of Maleficent has always held a special place in my internal challenge of what is and isn't a villain. The arguably past due sequel to 2014's Maleficent is a bit plot heavy and probably chews more scenery than it can swallow, but it's a passionate ride. Angelina Jolie is back in the horns that she spent her whole career waiting to glue on, this time facing off against real life fairy queen Michelle Pfeiffer. These actresses shared scenes are sadly underused, but they count while we have them. Interestingly enough it's Elle Fanning's performance as Aurora that leaves the deepest impression as she's fully turned to the Mistress of Evil as her maternal figure and believes in her even more than Maleficent herself does. I doubt the franchise has a future, but I hope I'm wrong because I'll never get tired of it.

Charlie's Angels

I get it, nobody asked for this movie and nobody likes Kristen Stewart. I'll wait while you reiterate those two points a few dozen times. Dum de dum de dum. Okay, finished? Good. This movie was great. Popcorn flick great, but still great. Elizabeth Banks knocked it out of the park as an action director, and Kristen Stewart was electrifying. Ella Balinska and Naomi Scott (Princess Jasmine, remember?) round out the main cast in a suspense thriller that's tense and heartfelt in all the right places. Get off the bandwagon hate and give this one a look.

Frozen II

The first movie suffered from realizing too late that Elsa was the POV character we wanted. Frozen II sets out to rectify the error. This is very much Elsa's story, or ideally chapter two of its trilogy, and knowing the self fear she's spent her whole life struggling with makes the payoff all the more powerful. It's refreshing to see Disney tell a story with barely a villain in it, and the end result is the American version of a Miyazaki film (save for Kristoff's solo which could ONLY come from Disney). I don't know if really young kids will get much out of it, but the ones who aged six years along with the original should still be ready to stand in the five hour lines at the theme parks to meet Arendelle's royal family.

Knives Out

You've got to hand it to Rian Johnson, he took all the crap he got from Star Wars fans from two years ago and did something productive with it. The Agatha Christie whodunits are making a deserved comeback, and this story makes for a pretty tough act to match. Perhaps a bit more on the howdunit side, knowing the ending doesn't detract from the fun in getting there. Daniel Craig's Benoit Blanc is a welcomed addition to the private detective Who's Who, regardless of whether or not his accent is what he thinks it is. Soon-to-be Bond girl Ana de Armas makes a solid impression, and Chris Evans reminds us of his non-Steve Rogers acting range. This movie is a delight.

Jumanji: The Next Level

If you liked Welcome to the Jungle you'll like this, it's pretty basic. The surprises come from the human moments scattered throughout the playground. In the first film the kids were essentially The Breakfast Club archetypes. This time around we get to know them in ways that we didn't realize we wanted to. Dual-Danny's DeVito and Glover could easily have been thrown in as a mere shtick, but the film wisely utilizes their abilities as performers to layer their characters. It's Awkwafina who has the heaviest lifting thrown on her and she proves herself more than capable of stepping into the role(s) required of her. Jumanji: The Final Boss can't get here soon enough.

Bombshell

I don't think you need me to give you a movie synopsis, a testament to quality, or what kind of a chameleon Charlize Theron is. Instead, I'm going to single out one sequence; the scene where Margot Robbie as Kayla Pospisil (who's an amalgamation of several women who reported being sexually harassed by Roger Ailes) goes through the experience. It's brutal, and not in an over-the-top Lifetime movie way. It's brutal in its realism. John Lithgow wisely underplays Ailes as a man who matter-of-factly has power over Pospisil. The scene is carefully constructed. There's an easy discussion about what technically is and isn't happening, but in the end it doesn't and shouldn't matter. What does matter is he destroys her. I believe the arts and entertainment are important as a whole, but I rarely assign that importance to specific examples. I'm doing it now; this scene is important. If you're still unclear what the #metoo movement is about, this will explain it. And I truly believe it's a journey you need to take.

Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker

And finally we have the end of the trilogy-trilogy. The suns set on Tatooine, the first last Jedi rises, and the last First Order strikes out. Frankly, I don't know what the hell everyone's problem is with this movie. Yes this trilogy had issues, namely the lack of a single show runner to keep Rian Johnson from killing off too many characters, but all things considered it's a satisfying conclusion to a saga that introduced multiple generations to Joseph Campbell's Hero's Journey. It may take a while for the sandstorms to settle but I believe in time people will love the new trilogy for what it is, instead of resenting it for what it isn't. Final thoughts: Daisy Ridley is a treasure. Adam Driver is going to win an Oscar before 2025. And there will be episodes X-XII, hopefully without involving another Death Star. The Force was with us, so quit being such an Anakin.

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Editorial: And Eight Tiny Pain Pills

I have been completely out of touch with the holiday season this year. August overstayed its welcome, hanging around until mid October, and by the time Halloween arrived I was only starting to get in the mood for it. I picked up a second job and worked the whole day of my birthday. We kind of skipped Thanksgiving. Now Christmas is in a week and we have yet to put up a tree. I'm thinking we're just going to call time on this one.

And you know what? I'm fine with that. The past couple of Christmases have been exercises in forced pleasantness. Maybe it's a step up, but I'm actually quite content not faking the cheer. This year's been miserable. 2019 had an incredibly low bar to clear and it still fell flat. So screw it. And with that said, I'm just go all in and spread some of the Christmas grouchiness to the world around me in the most intrusive way possible. Through Christmas carols.

I've blogged about caroling before, highlighting some lesser known gems and providing a few safety tips for surviving the yule. This time I'm going to focus on the negative. These are the top eight Christmas carols I really can't stand.

1. We Wish You a Merry Christmas

This song is the equivalent of a commercial. Hell, it IS a commercial! They've dusted off the Hershey's Kisses posing as bells thing every year since Coke kidnapped Santa Claus. I've hated this song my whole life because it's so...uninteresting. As a child I can't remember how many times I got dragged into hospitals and nursing homes to go sing this one damn song over and over. It's easy, and it's boring. And all the other kids insisted on accenting the 'sh' sound in 'wish' like they were unconsciously trying to silence themselves. And I know the recipients seemed grateful for the *ahem* effort. But were they? The older I get the more I wonder if it's just a societal pressure to act like any part of this process is touching; just like when you're obligated to say "Yes, I'd love to see pictures of your grandbaby who looks just like every other baby." Wow, I'm in a worse mood now than I was before.

2. All I Want for Christmas is You

...to shut up. I never got Mariah Carey. She can belt out notes, but are they really notes worth belting? I don't think she has one melody in her whole catalog that can survive on its own, her music is just an excuse to show off her decibels. And this is unquestionably the Mariah Carey Christmas song. And you know what it's about? The last note. Nothing else matters about it. It's become a permanent staple of Christmas playlists because people are waiting for that moment they can screech out the word "you" instead of using that energy for something more productive, like actually screaming into a pillow. It's really time to stop equating the quality of this song with genuine classics, like the one they sang in that Fraggle Rock episode.

3. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer

I'm not going to give this more attention than it deserves. It's an annoying ear worm. And worst of all, it thinks it's funny. Anyone who tells you this is their favorite Christmas song is not worth your association.

4. The Twelve Days of Christmas

Now the problem here isn't the song itself, it actually succeeds on every level a folk song should. It even has the added bonus of a changing time signature which most people don't notice. The problem is the heated arguments about the lyrics. From day nine on, there's no official ruling on when the dancers show up or how many drummers there are. Everybody feels the same way about it: 'MY way is the right way!' And unfortunately nobody ever thinks to work the issue out until the milk maids have been purchased on day eight. The song just provokes contempt and is best left alone. (Incidentally, 12 lord a-leaping, 11 ladies dancing, 10 piper's piping, 9 drummers drumming. Now take it to the rest of the world).

5. Good Christian Men Rejoice

It's a matter of personal preference, but I don't like triplets (in music that is). In spoken word, I think the rhythm is quite cool; i.e. "and to THINK that I SAW it on MULberry STREET". In song form, triplets just seem to emphasize that the melody is dragging. I grew up in church choirs and sang a lot of Christmas programs. This carol was always slated in the first handful of selections and it's the equivalent of running laps in P.E. Every verse serves as a reminder of how many more frigging times you're going to have to press on through the same horse trot of da-dun *beat* da-dun *beat* monotony before the ordeal is just over.

6. Jingle Bell Rock

Look, I get it. This was 1957, two full decades before rock music actually understood itself. But dear God, why does nobody but the Muppets and the Rock-afire Explosion understand that song with 'Rock' in the title have to, you know, rock? And not rock you to sleep like the Hall and Oates version did (they really should have known better). Every time I hear those sluggish opening chords I want to evict a music engineer to the corner until they turn in a term paper on Desmond Child.

7. O Come All Ye Faithful

This one is straight out of the hymnal. If you go to any candlelight service, you're destined to close on Silent Night, but in the process you're going to be hitting the big three of prerequisites; Hark the Herald Angels Sing, The First Noel, and this one. It's almost like the value of the hymnals is measured by how often these specific songs get sung, and since they're limited to the month of December you're going to see them in multiple programs. Hark usually goes first as it's the most vocally draining, and Noel is actually a pretty decent carol for a hymn so you naturally want to put a little something into it. But O Come is tedious enough on its own, when you triple it with the other two it's simply mind numbing. Something fun I always like to do in church is time how long the organist sustains the final chord of each verse in O Come followed by how long of a pause before the next verse starts. Sometimes it sounds like she's as fed up with the song as I am.

8. Toyland

We all know this song. Essentially it's the Christmas version of It's a Small World. But despite the fact that this 1903 predictor of commercialism blares through the speakers of every department store and parade route, I can't think of any recent holiday album that has included a cover of it. It's almost like literally nobody wants to be responsible for its longevity. Toyland is filler, when you need a song to run on endlessly while the costumed toy soldiers stumble through the marketplace. Nobody voluntarily listens to the song, much less sings it. In fact, maybe it's accurate to say this never was a carol to begin with, but a mere leitmotif for the Krampus. Come to think of it why don't I throw this out to the bleachers? Does everybody despise this song as much as I do? If that's the case then maybe there's a fuzzy takeaway after all. What if the season is capable of uniting us all in a collective hostility towards a melody line can never be smothered out of existence?

Wow, I think I just wrote the ending to a Hallmark movie.

Merry Christmas Grinches!

Sunday, December 8, 2019

Chasing the Rabbit: Chapter Twenty-One -Everybody Knows Your Name

Click here for the table of contents.

Meg gently lay Alice down on as dry a mound as she could find with the moon's light guiding her. "Rest," she insisted, trying to catch her breath. The pain in Alice's broken ankle caused her to cry out, and she bit her fist in an attempt to stifle herself.

The mirror kept them pointed in the direction they felt they needed to go, but unfortunately it was leading them back through the woods where the Headless Horseman apparently held dominion. Meg set a smooth stone under Alice's ankle to try to alleviate the pressure.

Alice wiped away her tears. "I'm sorry you have to carry me."

"You're not the problem, Lilies. It's the convertible hibachi chef." The truth was, Meg was getting worn out. Alice wasn't heavy in short bursts, but they'd been scrambling through uneven terrain for well over an hour and having to dodge the sound of approaching hoof steps a good half dozen times by hiding behind whatever brush was available to them. "Doesn't he ever clock out?"

"He may be patrolling," suggested Alice. "Perhaps he follows a set pattern."

Meg fidgeted with the mirror. "This thing would be more useful if it had a night light."

"Miss Meg, you know you have some of the most peculiar idiosyncrasies when it comes to describing things."

"Well, I don't really understand half of the words you use either."

"I mean no disrespect," Alice insisted. "It's just that...it's only occurred to me how little we know of each other."

Meg instinctively gave her an incredulous look, but not wanting to harm the already wounded girl's feelings she quickly suppressed it. "I guess a little information wouldn't hurt in case we need to contact each other's next of kin. Where are you from?"

Alice expected herself to answer without hesitation but the information stalled in her head, like a sequence of numbers one could rattle off without thinking but become lost once thought is applied. "London?" She hadn't intended to inflect it as a question, but her memories of home came to her as images instead of names. "Westminster," she decided. "Yes, I'm certain of it."

Meg touched Alice's hand. It hadn't been comforting for either of them to be dealing with such unreliable memories, but at least it was taking the twelve year old's mind off her ankle. "It's okay Lilies. I'm only about sixty-seven percent sure I'm from Thebes."

Alice shook her head. "I'm disappointed with myself. I should have attended to my lessons with greater discernment. I do hope this is only a temporary amnesia."

"You didn't do this to yourself."

"I've filled my head with nonsense."

"I've been dead before. And I mean literally soul-split-from-body dead. Trust me, whatever this Acheron is you weren't pushed in because you skipped Pythagorean-" Meg heard the sound of galloping. Alice was about to ask a question but Meg shushed her while wrapping a protective arm across her. "Here comes nonsense's Ginsu again," she whispered.

They both held their breath as he passed by, the trail only a few yards away. By now they'd grown accustomed to the horseman's periodic arrivals and departures. It was clear he wasn't looking for them, and may not have even been aware of their presence in the woods. But this time he let out a loud cackle that jostled Meg. It seemed to echo from deep inside an empty shell and carry through the whole forest. And again, he was gone. But Meg lay still for several moments longer than necessary, just in case that had been a performance for them.

"How can he laugh without a head?" Meg growled. "Better yet, how can he even see where he's going?"

"Those are valid questions Miss Meg," said Alice. She stared at her ankle. The makeshift splint was making her travel possible, if only slightly bearable, and she really wasn't looking forward to having to move again. "Do you think we stand any chance of surviving the night if we sleep here?"

"No. Too exposed. And too close to the trail." Meg glanced around at the lower branches in the area, wondering if any of them had the kind of elastic resilience that could theoretically knock the horseman to the ground. It was a possibility, although a huge gamble as his horse might not cooperate with an unfamiliar rider. And there was still the issue of Alice's injury which would no doubt be further aggravated by bouncing on the animal's back. She collected the mirror that Alice had been cradling against her chest and stared into its darkness. "Okay, let me think."

"Miss Meg?"

There was a seed of despair creeping into Alice's voice that Meg chose not to acknowledge. "Something to spark an idea. It's too dark where we are," she thought out loud, "and anything nearby that the glass can show us would be in darkness-"

"There's an unpleasant reality we may have to consider-"

"No, Lilies." She gave the tip of Alice's nose a gentle but stern tap. "Not gonna happen."

"I haven't said-"

"-and you're not going to," Meg interrupted. "I'm not leaving you behind."

Alice had been masking how afraid she was behind a decided curiosity and a lexicon she was only mostly sure of. But at this one moment the facade was cracking, and she covered her own chin to try to prevent it from quivering. "I can't see a way out."

Meg stroked the hair out of the girl's face. "Doll, I was a slave in the Underworld. If there was ever a dark place that kept you from seeing a way out, it was there. I've seen a lot of people come through; every one of them holding onto any grasp of hope they had. Like a candle. A flickering, dying candle. And they all had the same look in their eyes the moment that light went out. A surrender of hope."

"What none of them realized was, the way out is still there whether you can see it or not. The darkness can take your light but it can't take your hope. It's always your choice to sacrifice it. And people do, all the time. They give it up for no reason except that the darkness has tricked them into thinking they'll never see the-"

Wait a minute. Meg peered into the glass. The black void peered back. Waiting for instruction. She knew it could only show things in the present, but some things were always there. Somewhere. It could work. She held the mirror up and commanded, "Show us the sun."

The reflection shimmered. And almost a second too late she thought to turn the glass downward as the vicinity in which they'd taken refuge lit up in a concentrated spotlight. Meg looked at Alice as uncontrollable smiles appeared on both their faces.

"Eureka," Alice giggled.

"What a spark!"



It was high noon somewhere; in fact, the sun was beating down on the roof of the local saloon. The gravel road was barren, save for a string of recent paw prints that nobody was likely to notice. And in the back of the saloon a wooden door, carefully painted to blend in with the wall, opened ever so cautiously.

Bugs poked his head around the frame at floor level to check for any sign of immediate threat. Bagheera joined him. The two of them waited silently, listening for anything amiss. Moments passed, and nothing. They exchanged a confirming glance and Bugs hopped out onto the saloon's floor.

"I knew dis tunnel lead somewhere. Good eyes, O'Malley."

Bagheera crept out a little more alertly. "It looks like we're in a man-village."

"Deserted. Lucky us." He gestured to the overhang with the heads of a buck, bison, and moose mounted on it. "We should fare better'n dese Easter eggs."

"It's unusual that this place is empty."

"Galaxy's Edge must've reopened." The rabbit sprang over the bar and began wiping out the cups. "What can I getcha Slim?"

Bagheera gave Bugs a perplexed look. "Getcha?"

"To drink. Before da show let's out." He duck behind the counter and rummaged through the supply. "We got it all. Strawberry Colada, Banana Bomber, Kungaloosh; eh, it looks like the censors figured out the Old Panther gag."

"What show are you talking about?"

"Da one with da banjos." Bugs popped back up and slid a bright pink cocktail with four umbrellas and a bendy straw down the bar to where Bagheera sat. "Do you guys never get off da lot? We're in Frontierland."

The name wasn't familiar. "Is this a place I should know?"

"I always t'ought dey covered da tour on day one. Da theme parks? Main Street, parades, da castle cable dat no one will admit to?"

Bagheera snorted. "I understand the words you're saying..."

A tired voice from the road outside disrupted the panther's thought. "Alex!"

"That was Elsa."

"Good. We're outta ice." Bugs poured his own fruit cocktail. "Your name ain't Alex Bagheera, is it?" But the panther had already darted through the door. Bugs sighed and downed his beverage, grimacing at the aftertaste.

Outside Elsa was steadying herself against a hitching post. The continuous heat was causing her to feel lightheaded, and at first the sight of a large cat sprinting towards her appeared like a mirage. Her first thought was that she was about to be mauled, and she took a defensive stance even though she didn't have the strength to protect herself with ice. She just hoped it would be over fast.

"Elsa!" Bagheera called to her.

"Thank goodness," the Ice Queen's hand slipped and she fell to the ground. Bagheera reached her spot and nudged his way underneath so he could carry her back to the saloon. "Alex. Did you see him?"

Confident that Elsa was balanced enough to not fall off him, Bagheera scurried as steadily as he could. "Who's Alex."

"Fur," Elsa muttered. "Long ears." She was fighting to stay conscious, but any more words that entered her head never made it to her mouth until she felt the indoor temperatures touch her skin.

Bagheera let her slide gently onto the floor of the saloon and gave Bugs a nod to help her. The rabbit poured two glasses of juice. "Are you talking about him?"

It took Elsa a few seconds for her eyes to focus. "Yes," she said as soon as Bugs's shape became clear but changed her mind once she realized the color was off. "No. He's brown."

"Another rabbit?" Bugs asked.

"Donkey," Elsa gasped. "He's alone."

"Drink dis." Bugs held the first glass up to her lips but she refused it.

"Please! He's scared!"

"I'll go look," Bagheera assured her. "Your thirst needs quenching."

"Thank you." Elsa took the glass in her hands and tried to sip but wound downing the whole concoction.

"Take care of her," Bagheera told Bugs.

"On the job."

The panther was out the door again, and Elsa finished off her second glass. Bugs took them both back to the bar for a refill. "I guess it's da heat dat bothers you in several ways. I'll keep 'em coming 'til you're ready to slow down."

Elsa drew in a deep breath but only exhaled a puff of cold air. The fluids were helping but she'd really dehydrated herself. "You were the one on the beach."

"Being shot at, yeah. Except dis guy weren't no stormtrooper."

Elsa struggled to get into one of the empty chairs and Bugs stopped what he was doing to help her up.

"You know," he said, "if you need to go to sleep dere's some towels under da counter; we can build you a mattress."

"I'll be fine."

"Anybody on da beach get hurt?"

"Tarzan was."

"Really? How bad?"

Elsa told him about her own wound and how Tarzan had taken care of her, but then the creature of fire had awakened. And she described the image she'd seen of him afterwards, where he was motionless. Almost like he'd been frozen solid. To her surprise, Bugs reacted with understanding instead of confusion.

"Yep," he said. "Sounds like the poor guy's outta the game. It's a pity, 'cause he had all da information."

"What game are you talking about?"

Bugs pulled out a second chair and sat down. "I probably shouldn't be tellin' you dis, because I don't think I'm supposed to know myself, but I got a pretty good look at da roster before dis whole thing started. See, we're all in a game. Kind of a Survivor/Musical Chairs kinda thing. I think if you die in here, you go into a stasis until the game is over. But Tarzan was a plant; he was in on it. Every game like dis needs someone on da inside to keep things moving and nudge the rest of da group in da right direction."

Elsa's eyes widened. "So he's the reason why we're here?"

"No, you're why you're here. Apparently you don't remember it, but you agreed to be part of da game. We all did." He stopped himself, realizing just how complicated this was about to get. "Elsa, do you know what Disney is?"

She shook her head.

"Oh wow. Dey really did a number on you guys. How am I gonna explain dis? Frozen was a movie- Wait, strike dat." That was going to make no sense at all to her. "Have you ever heard of Little Red Riding Hood?"

"Yes."

Great. Now what? "Okay. What do you think she did on her off day?"

Elsa stared at him. "I don't understand the question."

"When Red Riding Hood wasn't in her story, what do you think she did?"

"What do you mean when she wasn't in her story?"

It was rare that Bugs felt like he was out of his depth, and he rubbed his eyebrows. "Don't you think Red had a life outside of dis one day where she met a wolf on da way to Granny's house?"

"I've heard a different version than that." Elsa was really trying to follow him, but she seemed to only be frustrating him further. "Are you talking about the character Red Riding Hood, or are you talking about whoever the girl was that the character was based on?"

"Let's go with da second one."

She nodded. "So you're wondering what her life may have been like?"

Bugs decided he was going to make one last attempt before abandoning the conversation. "Imagine if dat little girl inspired a story dat people told over and over; she knows the details inside and out. But den one day she gets cursed. All her memories are gone and all she knows about herself is what's in dat story."

Elsa mulled that over. "So she would think she's a character in a story."

"Exactly. But she wouldn't know dat it's a story."

Her brain finally had the flash of connection. "Are you saying where we are right now is the result of a curse?"

No, but...Bugs shrugged. "Sure. We'll go with dat. It's affecting all of you. Jasmine, Kronk, What's-his-name, even old Battle Cat. Dat's why you all have such a limited understanding of who you are and where you're from. It's a group curse dat's kind of a game."

"So Tarzan is alive?"

"As far as I know, yeah. But I think he's gonna be stuck where he is until all dis gets resolved."

Elsa leaned back and eyed the rabbit. "So why is it you know so much then?"

"Dat's a good question, and I don't have a good answer. But I know one thing dat we all need to keep in mind whatever we decide to do."

"What's that?"

"Only ten names on dat roster. You, me, Tarzan, Bagheera, Jasmine, Kronk...um..." He trailed off.

"Frollo?"

"Yeah, all dere. Dat's seven."

"And then there was a woman I met with horns on her head."

"Yeah, Maleficent. She's got a key to somethin', by the way."

"And then Alex." Elsa thought back to the woman and child she'd seen on the monitors. "And two more. That's eleven."

"Little blonde girl and a purple hourglass figure?"

Elsa blinked. "I think so."

"Dat's Alice and Meg. Both on da list. Guess who da odd one out is."

"Oh," was all she could say. It meant something, she didn't know what. But they wouldn't get answers unless Bagheera could find him.


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