So let's move on to the next Halloween tradition, the spook house.
I'm not the most veteran attendee of walk-through haunted attractions, but I've been to enough of them to get the general idea. The ones that really do it well give you something to actually look at, as opposed to just corridors with people jumping out at you. The best ones manage some semblance of story content, even if it's just abstract beats that make you feel like you've been to hell and back. And of course there's a benefit to incorporating a dark sense of humor into the experience.
So if I were to design one of these attractions myself, what would be my motif? I'd want to use something that hasn't been overdone, with a bit of nostalgia and some easily recognizable elements, preferably iconic in pop culture. Well, I've humbly thought of a theme which might work. It's a nightmare fueled jaunt through the golden age of music videos (read: the 80's) and the birth of the video music channel which is no longer about videos or music, or a single channel.
Here, let me take you on a tour.
M(adness) TV: Our House
The Foyer
The first room appears to be a darkened studio with an 'On Air' light flashing above. The body of a man who presumably was standing in front of a microphone is on the floor, a television monitor having fallen, crushing his head. A family of mannequins is fixated on the television in front of them which flickers on and off, displaying recording of a Martha Quinn impersonator (or actually Martha Quinn, let's dream big) eerily delivering the lines "You'll never look at music the same way again," "Turn it on, leave it on," "MTV lives in your music" etc.
Several other TVs decorate the walls as we move on. A man with black curly hair lies in a bathtub, the victim of a television falling in the water. He periodically screams as the charge runs through him. A boy pounds in the glass from inside one of the sets. Skeletons lay in front of a TV showing a woman in aerobic gear leading a routine. A man with long hair stares motionless at another screen which flashes a 'Z' while a fish on the floor beside him keeps hopping. We pass a giant hand with an eyeball in its palm reaching for us.
The Bedroom
We move down a hallway with bed sheets draped from the ceiling, passing a king-sized mattress surrounded by schoolboy mannequins whose eyes sparkle. A Madonna clone writhes on top of it while a figure with a lion's head gives us a jump scare through the wall. Another woman sleeps in the next bed, whispering nonsensically while a figure holds the microphone of a recording device to her mouth. More mannequin hands decorate the remainder of the hallway, ignored by a dark-haired woman who asserts "I think we're alone now," and a figure in a Phantom mask and trenchcoat appears out of nowhere. We pass a paranoid man in sunglasses glancing nervously at the TV where looped footage of a character on the screen is being shot and falling to the ground. His back to a bathtub with its shower curtain drawn. A figure in a trenchcoat, fedora and sunglasses peeks through the curtain but ducks in whenever the man turns to look; when he does, a profile face lit on one side appears on the TV in place of the footage; it turns to look at the man with the light switching sides.
The Wedding
It looks like we've made our way into a chapel. A man in a tuxedo is trying to open the doors of a sanctuary to escape a tentacle coming through the floor. People rush past us screaming. A hole in the wall from the outside reveals a man with big lips shrieking "Walk this way!" A shot gun is heard followed by a male voice crying "Little sister, what have you done?" There is a man clutching his chest with blood on his shirt and on the wall behind him. He points at us accusingly. We pass a female figure in white hanging from a noose with the words "I hate myself for loving you" painted in blood behind her. And there is a kid in the background oblivious to everything practicing a skateboard trick.
The Kitchen/Dining Room
We push past the chaos to find the kitchen is in complete disarray. Fish heads dangle from the ceiling. A man is playing the accordion in front of the open freezer, surrounded by ravers holding ice cream cones. A Cyndi Lauper type appears to be in some argument with her mother. A man's Minecraft styled head spins in the microwave. A chef at the counter is pushing multiple small dummies wearing Hannibal Lecter type masks into a meat grinder. A girl lies on a table, with people around her cutting pieces of her off like a cake. There is a fake Mad Hatter holding a container of sugar upside down over our exit, sending down a continuous spray of mist. As we enter the next room we're greeted by a Dee Snider character informing us in no uncertain terms that he wishes to rock. We catch the tail end of a massive pie fight. There is a heavy metal guitarist on the dining table adorned with glassware and rats. Another rocker with long black hair appears in a doorway and removes the wig revealing herself to be a blonde woman. She sips from a glass and reacts as if it's poisoned.
The Lab
The music carries us into the next room where a lab assistant is hitting the ceiling with a broomstick, yelling "Keep it down now!" A nutty professor type is trying to control a creature that looks half plant, half woman. A pair of robotic legs suspended from a fulcrum runs perpetually in a circle. The robot is being powered by a cable that runs through a lever labelled 'locomotion' which in turn is attached to a table to which a volunteer is strapped and receiving violent shocks. A sign that reads 'Electric Youth' hangs above the table. Next to it is a vacuum chamber, containing what looks like a jet fighter pilot pleading to be let out. The female lab assistant pulls the switch and makes note on her clipboard while he dies of asphyxiation. Another man in a lab coat jumps out at us, gleefully yelling "Science!" On our way to the exit, we pass a two headed creature and a surprise entrance by Frankenstein's monster.
The Road
We seem to have made it outside, and we're immediately greeted by an allosaurus lunging at us, while its owner holds onto its leash trying to settle it down. The windows of the building we've just come from indicate a fire has broken out inside. We hear the sound of a crash nearby, and the image of a man's face appears on the street, guiding us past a street sign which is completely blank except for the letters 'st' in the bottom corner. We're now beside a freeway where there has been a massive wreck between a pink Cadillac (which has a dead-head sticker on it) and a Jaguar XJ with a woman in white lingerie lying on the hood. Music still plays from a car radio and we get surprise appearances from Mick Jagger and David Bowie, dancing and not helping. Slightly further down we see a woman in a red convertible which has spun out of control (presumably the cause of the wreck). A man is hanging on to the passenger door from the outside, yelling "She's a maniac!" The Eliminator girls wait patiently by the 1933 Ford for the accident to be resolved. We pass a vandalized Speed Limit 55 sign and step into a darkened area where a young boy is in a bed clutching his blanket and begging "Hold me now." The headlights of an 18-wheeler turn on abruptly inches away from the bed and the crash replays.
The Dream
For this next area, we have a lot of fluorescent and strobe light effects to create as disorienting an atmosphere as possible. We have our final vehicle assault, this one lit up in glow paint and driven by Ric Ocasek, followed by a swarm of insects all bearing his face. We reach a tiny coffee shop. An uncanny valley puppet version of Martha Quinn is on the TV announcing, "This is a land of confusion." A woman is being strangled by a black and white hand coming up through her magazine. The next twisted corridor is also in black and white with mechanics that keep jumping in front of us. Corrupted arms with hands at both ends flap above us like bats, and we hear a woman's voice scream "You better run!" We're offered temporary solace in seeing a woman with short red hair and a man in sunglasses meditating. A cellist swings his instrument around in a circle and we get cows in our faces. We step through the pupil of a huge eye and are bombarded by surreal images of a face made out of fruit, bumper cars with mouths, giant dancing roasted chickens and a stick figure with sledgehammers for hands. A massive hammer strikes the ground next to us. People in executioner's masks spring out at us as we leave, and a bored looking magician's assistant waves a wand, causing the sound of an explosion and a hallway full of mist.
When the smoke clears, we find we've arrived at the apparent finale, a dance club called "Welcome to the Jungle" with a neon sign that reads "Girls Girls Girls". There is a young girl sitting on the steps outside holding a red balloon. She takes only a passing interest in us by warning "the rhythm is going to get you." The familiar chorus of Obsession come from the speakers. We're met at the door by Debbie Harry who entices us inside, and we get a jump scare by the Man from Mars.
We pass a cloaked figure holding a punt, with an outstretched skeletal hand as if he's expecting us to tolerate a cover charge, but we pay him no mind. Once inside we see many familiar faces repeated from earlier in the tour plus some new additions. A man in a safari outfit hides behind an overturned table from a werewolf attacking him. A group of island girls dances around a cauldron boiling a man who is eating a human leg. A female robot in a yellow jumpsuit makes awkward jerking movements while offering an unconvincing lip sync to the music playing. A man with long black hair and six arms, four of which have excessively long fingernails, is stuck to a disc on the wall and rotating. A cheerleader lies dead in the center of the room due to some gory head trauma, she sits up and screams "Hey Mickey!" when anyone gets too close. A woman with black hair wearing a red latex devil outfit dances on the stage. Several patrons are dressed and dancing like Egyptian hieroglyphics and we get a jump scare from a mummy or two.
At which point we are ushered into a quiet area with ominous background music playing. Zombies come at all directions. We see Ola Ray screaming in the corner. As we maneuver down the corridor Michael Jackson scare actors pop up on both sides of us. We turn the corner and see a silhouetted figure with his back to us. The music crescendos to a climax and he turns around revealing himself to be Rick Astley; who briefly serenades us with "Never Gonna Give You Up" as we exit the house for real this time. But we get one last surprise from the werewolf we saw back in the club.
So that was the tour through my head as best as I can describe it. I made it a rule to only use one song from each artist. Did I miss anyone? Thank you for indulging me.
Oh, by the way. If you don't really remember the 80's or my video references weren't obvious, here is the complete listing of music videos I pulled from, in relative order of appearance:
Our House -Madness (What? You got something better?)
Video Killed the Radio Star-The Buggles
When Doves Cry -Prince
Pressure -Billy Joel
Physical -Olivia Newton-John
Channel Z -The B52's
Epic -Faith No More
Total Eclipse of the Heart -Bonnie Tyler
Like a Virgin -Madonna
Talking in Your Sleep -The Romantics
I Think We're Alone Now -Tiffany
Self Control -Laura Branigan
Sunglasses at Night -Corey Hart
Somebody's Watching Me -Rockwell
Private Eyes -Hall & Oates
Twilight Zone -Golden Earring
Every Breath You Take -The Police
Jeopardy -Greg Kihn
Walk This Way -Aerosmith (Run-D.M.C. version)
White Wedding -Billy Idol
You Give Love a Bad Name -Bon Jovi
I Hate Myself For Loving You -Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
It's the End of the World of the World as we Know It (And I Feel Fine) -R.E.M.
Fish Heads -Barnes & Barnes
I Love Rocky Road -"Weird Al" Yankovic
Girl Just Want to Have Fun -Cyndi Lauper
Money for Nothing -Dire Straits
Another Brick in the Wall Part 2 -Pink Floyd (the least comfortable image I included)
Don't Come Around Here No More -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Pour Some Sugar on Me -Def Leppard
I Wanna Rock -Twisted Sister
(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!) -Beastie Boys
Round and Round -Ratt
Poison -Alice Cooper
Voices Carry -'Til Tuesday
Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive -Men at Work
Rockit -Herbie Hancock
Locomotion -Kylie Minogue
Electric Youth -Debbie Gibson
Take My Breath Away -Berlin
She Blinded Me with Science -Thomas Dolby
Doing It All for My Baby -Huey Lewis and the News
Walk the Dinosaur -Was (Not Was)
Burning Down the House -Talking Heads
Where the Streets Have No Name -U2
Freeway of Love -Aretha Franklin
Boys of Summer -Don Henley
Here I Go Again -Whitesnake
(An argument can be made for Cars by Gary Numan)
Dancing in the Street -David Bowie and Mick Jagger
Stay the Night -Chicago
Maniac -Michael Sembello
Legs -ZZ Top
I Can't Drive 55 -Sammy Hagar
Hold Me Now -Thompson Twins
Enter Sandman -Metallica
You Might Think -The Cars
Land of Confusion -Genesis
Take On Me -A-ha
Wild, Wild West -The Escape Club
You Better Run -Pat Benatar
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) -Eurythmics
Sledgehammer -Peter Gabriel
Abracadabra -Steve Miller Band
Welcome to the Jungle -Guns N' Roses
Girls, Girls, Girls -Motley Crue
99 Luftballoons -Nena
Rhythm is Gonna Get You -Gloria Estefan
Obsession -Animotion
Rapture -Blondie
Don't Pay the Ferryman -Chris de Burgh
Hungry Like the Wolf -Duran Duran
I Eat Cannibals -Toto Coelo
Funkytown -Lipps Inc.
You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) -Dead or Alive
Mickey -Toni Basil
Venus -Bananarama
Walk Like an Egyptian -The Bangles
Thriller -Michael Jackson
Never Gonna Give You Up -Rick Astley
The Club
When the smoke clears, we find we've arrived at the apparent finale, a dance club called "Welcome to the Jungle" with a neon sign that reads "Girls Girls Girls". There is a young girl sitting on the steps outside holding a red balloon. She takes only a passing interest in us by warning "the rhythm is going to get you." The familiar chorus of Obsession come from the speakers. We're met at the door by Debbie Harry who entices us inside, and we get a jump scare by the Man from Mars.
We pass a cloaked figure holding a punt, with an outstretched skeletal hand as if he's expecting us to tolerate a cover charge, but we pay him no mind. Once inside we see many familiar faces repeated from earlier in the tour plus some new additions. A man in a safari outfit hides behind an overturned table from a werewolf attacking him. A group of island girls dances around a cauldron boiling a man who is eating a human leg. A female robot in a yellow jumpsuit makes awkward jerking movements while offering an unconvincing lip sync to the music playing. A man with long black hair and six arms, four of which have excessively long fingernails, is stuck to a disc on the wall and rotating. A cheerleader lies dead in the center of the room due to some gory head trauma, she sits up and screams "Hey Mickey!" when anyone gets too close. A woman with black hair wearing a red latex devil outfit dances on the stage. Several patrons are dressed and dancing like Egyptian hieroglyphics and we get a jump scare from a mummy or two.
At which point we are ushered into a quiet area with ominous background music playing. Zombies come at all directions. We see Ola Ray screaming in the corner. As we maneuver down the corridor Michael Jackson scare actors pop up on both sides of us. We turn the corner and see a silhouetted figure with his back to us. The music crescendos to a climax and he turns around revealing himself to be Rick Astley; who briefly serenades us with "Never Gonna Give You Up" as we exit the house for real this time. But we get one last surprise from the werewolf we saw back in the club.
So that was the tour through my head as best as I can describe it. I made it a rule to only use one song from each artist. Did I miss anyone? Thank you for indulging me.
Oh, by the way. If you don't really remember the 80's or my video references weren't obvious, here is the complete listing of music videos I pulled from, in relative order of appearance:
Our House -Madness (What? You got something better?)
Video Killed the Radio Star-The Buggles
When Doves Cry -Prince
Pressure -Billy Joel
Physical -Olivia Newton-John
Channel Z -The B52's
Epic -Faith No More
Total Eclipse of the Heart -Bonnie Tyler
Like a Virgin -Madonna
Talking in Your Sleep -The Romantics
I Think We're Alone Now -Tiffany
Self Control -Laura Branigan
Sunglasses at Night -Corey Hart
Somebody's Watching Me -Rockwell
Private Eyes -Hall & Oates
Twilight Zone -Golden Earring
Every Breath You Take -The Police
Jeopardy -Greg Kihn
Walk This Way -Aerosmith (Run-D.M.C. version)
White Wedding -Billy Idol
You Give Love a Bad Name -Bon Jovi
I Hate Myself For Loving You -Joan Jett and the Blackhearts
It's the End of the World of the World as we Know It (And I Feel Fine) -R.E.M.
Fish Heads -Barnes & Barnes
I Love Rocky Road -"Weird Al" Yankovic
Girl Just Want to Have Fun -Cyndi Lauper
Money for Nothing -Dire Straits
Another Brick in the Wall Part 2 -Pink Floyd (the least comfortable image I included)
Don't Come Around Here No More -Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Pour Some Sugar on Me -Def Leppard
I Wanna Rock -Twisted Sister
(You Gotta) Fight for Your Right (To Party!) -Beastie Boys
Round and Round -Ratt
Poison -Alice Cooper
Voices Carry -'Til Tuesday
Dr. Heckyll and Mr. Jive -Men at Work
Rockit -Herbie Hancock
Locomotion -Kylie Minogue
Electric Youth -Debbie Gibson
Take My Breath Away -Berlin
She Blinded Me with Science -Thomas Dolby
Doing It All for My Baby -Huey Lewis and the News
Walk the Dinosaur -Was (Not Was)
Burning Down the House -Talking Heads
Where the Streets Have No Name -U2
Freeway of Love -Aretha Franklin
Boys of Summer -Don Henley
Here I Go Again -Whitesnake
(An argument can be made for Cars by Gary Numan)
Dancing in the Street -David Bowie and Mick Jagger
Stay the Night -Chicago
Maniac -Michael Sembello
Legs -ZZ Top
I Can't Drive 55 -Sammy Hagar
Hold Me Now -Thompson Twins
Enter Sandman -Metallica
You Might Think -The Cars
Land of Confusion -Genesis
Take On Me -A-ha
Wild, Wild West -The Escape Club
You Better Run -Pat Benatar
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) -Eurythmics
Sledgehammer -Peter Gabriel
Abracadabra -Steve Miller Band
Welcome to the Jungle -Guns N' Roses
Girls, Girls, Girls -Motley Crue
99 Luftballoons -Nena
Rhythm is Gonna Get You -Gloria Estefan
Obsession -Animotion
Rapture -Blondie
Don't Pay the Ferryman -Chris de Burgh
Hungry Like the Wolf -Duran Duran
I Eat Cannibals -Toto Coelo
Funkytown -Lipps Inc.
You Spin Me Round (Like a Record) -Dead or Alive
Mickey -Toni Basil
Venus -Bananarama
Walk Like an Egyptian -The Bangles
Thriller -Michael Jackson
Never Gonna Give You Up -Rick Astley
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