Grand Exit
Mr. Yarrow, Mr. Stookey and Ms. Travers enter a newly discovered tomb.
Travers: Did we find anything interesting this time?
Stookey: It looks like some kind of burial chamber.
Travers: Are you just guessing?
Stookey: No seriously, there’s a sarcophagus in here.
Some semblance of lighting source allows the setting to be visible.
Yarrow: It’s not a very well furnished tomb.
Stookey: See if anything’s missing.
Yarrow: What does something that’s missing look like?
Stookey: I mean look for scratches on the floor as if something’s been dragged out of here.
Travers: You know what I think this is?
Yarrow: The first run production of Our Town?
Travers: I think this is a preparation chamber.
Yarrow: (after a brief consideration) Okay, we’ll accept that at face value.
Travers: Look, sarcophagi had to built somewhere. You don’t want to lug those things across town.
Yarrow: I said I wasn’t challenging you.
Travers: You’re just trying to shut me up by agreeing with me.
Yarrow: It’s not going to work is it?
Stookey has been testing the solidity of the sarcophagus.
Travers: What are you doing?
Stookey: Don’t you want to know if somebody’s in here?
Travers: We need to determine how old this thing is before you start jiggling the hinges loose.
Yarrow: Hang on, what’s this? (he holds a lantern close to the side of the sarcophagus and reads) ‘A curse upon whoever disturbs the final resting place of King Cyaxares’.
Stookey: It does not say that.
Yarrow: Right there. That’s the symbol for Cyaxares.
Stookey: Let me see. (he takes Yarrow’s spot) “A curse upon who SO ever disturbs the final resting place of King Cyaxares’. Okay you weren’t lying this time.
Yarrow: That’s surprisingly straightforward hieroglyphics.
Travers: So this is the sarcophagus of Cyaxares?
Stookey: Or a respectable facsimile.
Travers: Do you know what that means?
Stookey: It means replication.
Travers: If this is authentic it means that we have proof that the Persians also mummified their kings.
Stookey: So this is a big deal?
Travers: A really big deal! Come on! (she hands pry bar implements to the two men).
Yarrow: And just like that we’ve all forgotten about the whole curse warning.
Stookey: That’s just for other people. Like grave robbers.
Yarrow: And what are we doing?
Travers: Exploring.
Yarrow: If this thing proves to be valuable are we planning on taking it out of here and selling it?
Travers: We’re not here to rob, we’re here to discover.
Yarrow: For a profit?
Stookey: The profit thing just kind of fell into our laps.
Yarrow: I’m just saying that if this guy’s been on hold for two thousand years he’s probably not going to be in the mood to factor our intentions into his cursing.
The sarcophagus lid flies open and a mummy sits upright, as I’m sure we were all expecting. The three silently communicate to each other to begin moving towards the exit. The mummy watches them trying to calmly collect their items before surrendering to his annoyance.
Mummy: Uh-uh. Back in here.
Stookey: We weren’t disturbing you were we?
Mummy: What does it look like?
Yarrow: It looks like we’re screwed.
Travers: Shut up.
Yarrow: You shut up.
Mummy: Silence!
Stookey: You asked us a direct question.
Mummy: I said ‘silence’. You’re already on my bad side. (Travers puts her hand up) Yes?
Travers: We really didn’t think there was anyone inside.
Mummy: It clearly says ‘curse’ on the side of the box.
Travers: I didn’t read the side.
Yarrow and Stookey: ‘Neither did we’ ‘Nope’ ‘Never saw it’ etc.
Mummy: Look, you open the box you get the curse. It’s that simple.
Stookey: We didn’t actually open it.
Yarrow: That’s right. We were just about to move you into the real burial chamber when the lid just opened.
Mummy: You’re telling me this ancient Egyptian locking mechanism which has lain dormant for a few millennia happen to spring open on its own while the three of you stood dumbfounded in the corner completely out of the way.
Travers: It could have been suction.
Mummy: What?
Travers: The door to the chamber was open for the first time since…it was closed last, and a stiff northerly breeze could have pulled the air in the room-
Mummy and Yarrow: Shut up.
Mummy: Look, whoever opens the casket gets cursed. That’s the rule.
Stookey: Actually it says whoever disturbs the final resting place. Now technically you’ve been in a temporary chamber-
Mummy: If you open the casket you get cursed.
Travers: It really opened on its own.
Mummy: I heard you prying the lid off.
Yarrow: We were dusting.
Mummy: Why am I talking to you people? The one who opened the sarcophagus, step forward and receive your curse. (Nobody reacts). Come on. Who did it? (pause) Which one of you actually opened the lid?
Yarrow: Why? Do you only have one curse?
Mummy: No, I’m just being economical.
Stookey: You can only curse one of us.
Mummy: That’s not true.
Stookey: It is!
Mummy: No it’s not! I could curse the lot of you if I wanted. I just don't want to. I’m only interested in the one who opened the lid.
Travers: Because you can only issue one curse.
Mummy: It’s hard! Okay? I don’t feel like doing more than one! Now which one of you was it?
The three beginning rambling incoherently about how none of them remember who did what.
Mummy: You think I won’t curse all three of you if I don’t get an admission? Okay how about this. I’m going to come over there and kick each of you repeatedly until two of you sell out the other one.
Yarrow: Wow, Persian history never recorded THIS tactic.
Travers: Wait a minute, did you say ancient Egyptian locking mechanism?
Mummy: I was being sarcastic.
Travers: But why wouldn’t you have said Persian locking mechanism if you were a king of Persia?
Mummy: Look, I’m a mummy in a casket. Can we just do the curse?
Stookey: You’re not King Cyaxares are you?
Mummy: I’m just- no. I’m Jeremy Bentham. Happy?
Yarrow: What are you doing in Cyaxares’ sarcophagus?
Mummy: None of your business.
Travers: As archaeologists-
Yarrow: Anthropologists.
Travers: Anthrop- whatever the hell we are. It IS our business when we discover a Persian imposter.
Mummy: First off, I AM a mummy. Second, the engraving just says not to touch King Cyanide’s remains. It doesn’t explicitly say that he’s in that box.
Stookey: You know what? Go back to sleep. (Stookey shoves Mummy back into the sarcophagus. The three leave the chamber in dejection).
Mummy: Don’t close the door! (lights go out) Damn.
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