What could be more fun than a stroll down Nostalgia Avenue? Alone? At night? With a dead car battery and no cell phone? I don't know why you'd be carrying a dead car battery, but put it down and let's talk video games.
Our species is one of narrative. It's in our nature to weave stories; given any two variables and we'll certainly draw a connection between them regardless of how absurd.
The modern video game has expanded well beyond the horizons of anything we could have predicted back in the days of Galaxian. We didn't know why space invaders in color were hovering over us or why we needed to shoot them down. We just accepted the premise as was and focused all of our aggression on those rat bastard purple guys that flew more erratically than the green ones.
But imagine trying to remake that game today. Elements like back story, motivation, and believable character resolution have become so commonplace that we only notice when these things are omitted. This is a good thing. But in the evolution of video games, I feel there have been a few old/really old school characters that never lived up to their full potential; be it technical limitations, budget issues, or simple oversights by the developers.
So here then to shine a little light on some of the old birds who still have some life in them, I give you eight video game characters who deserve a comeback.
1. The Bat (Adventure 1979, Atari)
You don't get much more old school that this. In case I need to explain Adventure, this was the great grandparent of every role playing dungeon crawl ever to grace the television screen. There were three difficulty levels, and going from beginner to intermediate was one hell of a spike. In addition to mazes that barely made sense and up to three giant ducks that we're calling dragons, there was the freaking Bat.
What did the Bat do, you ask? The Bat took things. Things that you needed. And carried them around while you tried your damnedest to position your graham cracker of an avatar in the right spot to retrieve the thing that you needed. What was the Bat going to do with the things it took? Nothing. Just fly around with it like a Labrador that snatches up your work's security card and thinks the list of every obscenity in your lexicon that you shout at it is an indication that you want to chase it around the whole neighborhood.
The Bat would pick up literally anything. Your sword, leaving you unarmed. The bridge, leaving you stranded. It could even carry one of the duck-dragons while it was still alive, turning its personal game of keep away into execution tag. And you couldn't do ANYTHING about it except hope.
The update
We no longer accept games placing themselves in unwinnable situations (that has to be reserved for player stupidity). As such, we need a fantasy type game like Skyrim or Diablo where weapons and treasures are plentiful and a kleptomaniac Bat is more of a nuisance than a game killer.
I suggest that the player's character is a sort of beastmaster. At the lower levels you can form a companionship with animals like rabbits, and the upper levels lead you to the most powerful creature (the dragon of course). The Bat is an optional animal to master, and one of the most complicated; probably luring it to you with only the most expensive shiny objects. But once you've succeeded in taming the thing, not only do you have access to whatever hoard it has amassed throughout your game but you're given the option of controlling it. Imagine a flight-based stealth mission to retrieve some of the coolest treasures without having to fight your way to them.
2. The Black Knight (Black Knight 1980, pinball)
My memory is a little hazy. I'm probably referring more to the sequel Black Knight 2000, released in 1989. Steve Ritchie is considered one of the all time great pinball designing gurus, with a particular flair for 'flow'. Flow, as I've only just learned, refers to those metallic tunnels and ramps that keep a ball moving in all directions without losing its velocity.
The character of the Black Knight was one of those rare characters that not only broke the fourth wall but addressing the player directly but was also self aware as a fictional antagonist. "Give me your money!" was his war cry (voiced by Ritchie himself). Interestingly enough, there was no defeating the Black Knight. Pinball machines are like most old school arcade games; there is no official ending. You play until you lose, or drop (and then lose). You may be able to defeat other players' scores but you would eventually have to give up against the machine.
The update
The self awareness is what fascinates me the most about this character. Pinball doesn't really translate to modern systems, but a lot of fun could be had from a game based on medieval tournaments. Imagine a series of mini-games involving jousting, archery, sword fighting, and whatever the hell else people did back then. You start off as a rummy commoner and have to build yourself up in prestige and skill to even be worthy of the Black Knight's taunts. He may even sabotage you a few times throughout your journey. And all things being equal, the guy is unbeatable.
However the game has a built in cheat system which you're encouraged to use until you finally make yourself invincible. When you go this route, you essentially become the Black Knight, who earned his reputation as being the best by underhanded means. Video games need to teach more lessons in ethics.
3. Crazy Climber (1980, Arcade)
This was one of my favorite arcade games even if the double joysticks took quite a bit of adapting to. You play a guy who climbs the outside of a skyscraper, while scientists throw flowerpots at you, windows close on your fingers, and King Kong's smaller scaled stand-in throws a few punches at your path upwards. Why are you climbing the outside of a skyscraper? Because. That's why.
Randomly some voice shouts "Go for it!" whenever the game feels you need encouragement. And at the top of your publicity stunt is an impatient helicopter pilot who can't be bothered to grant you more than thirty seconds to reach for its metal bars.
The update
You're playing in an open world environment like Grand Theft Auto. But you aren't shooting taxi drivers or beating up prostitutes (which instantly makes you a better person). Your thing is perilous stunt work. You're like Banksy but performance art instead of vandalism.
So your goal is to draw as much attention to yourself without ever actually exposing your identity. That means climbing buildings in the most populated areas and not getting caught. Choose your buildings carefully. And don't die.
4. Evil Otto (Berserk 1980, arcade)
Better known as death by 'have a nice day' (actually nobody knows it by that, I just made that up). So you're running around a futuristic lab with electrified walls and armed robots that mock your cowardice. And then you hear the throwback to the land before memes, the grandfather of soul crush: "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!". And a bouncing invincible happy face comes right through the freaking wall.
I can't think of a more horrifying way to go than at the squash of a maniacal happy face. The sequel Frenzy allowed you to take down Otto with three shots, which always felt wrong somehow. Of course he respawned and came at you at twice the speed, thus making him undefeatable in the long run.
The update
Okay, the gameplay of Berserk is not likely to translate directly into a 3D format, but we can still work with the basic idea. Take a third person shooter like Uncharted and set it in space. You can even simplify the premise to, you're a prisoner on board a vessel that gets attacked by robots. But Otto needs to be used sparingly, without about the frequency of Pyramid Head in Silent Hill 2. In fact, why not make him a byproduct of space madness, and give the unstoppable smirk of death deeper purpose? He can represent isolation. I swear, the message boards will light up.
5. Jumpman (1983, Atari, C64, IBM, Apple II)
Some time after "It's-a me" Mario surrendered his original stage name, Randy Glover and Epyx seized upon a platforming character by the same name that very few have been able to top. We're set on a Jupiter base where terrorists are setting bombs that require a defusing expert (I grew up in a much more casual time period). Ladders, robots, bullets you can literally dodge, and ropes that either go up or down (not both) all decorate the playing field. Amazingly enough, the levels never felt repetitive.
The update
At its core, Jumpman is a non-linear obstacle course, but in modern gaming story is just as important as mechanics. So let's develop our little guy and present him as a sort of 'everyman' in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jupiter base is a tourist center for people who want to do rope challenges and the like, but for some political reason it gets taken over by bombers while your character happens to be in the waiting area. He has to rely on his wits to defuse bombs and traverse obstacles, learning as he goes, and occasionally gaining new access to old areas. Mix Prince of Persia with Metroid Prime and you've got the playground that plays in the heads of every kid who ever saw Raiders of the Lost Ark.
6. Mephistopheles (Faust: Seven Games of the Soul 2000, PC)
Okay to put it succinctly, this was not a good game. The puzzles had no inner logic to them, at least not in their final translation. And most of the gameplay involved just clicking everywhere until something happened. It was like Myst but without the 'Aha!' moments. But the one place where the game excelled was the depiction of Mephistopheles, courtesy of voice actor Geoffrey Bateman. Meph serves as the 'devil' of the classic Faust narrative but in a much grayer area than usually depicted. He's slick, manipulative, and imposing. But he's also intelligent and charming, and bizarrely heroic in places. By his own description, he's that 'angel' who wishes to do evil but is required to do good.
The update
It would be an M-rating all the way but imagine a 3D platformer/puzzle game a la Portal where your goal is to crawl your way out of Hell. You're not given any indication of why you're there but you're given a guide in Meph, who's actively rooting for you to fail. He gives you left-handed compliments and passive-aggressive instructions. You're presumably running the gauntlet for his personal entertainment, but in the end you're very wrong. Meph is not the final boss like you'd expect, but instead you have to confront the reason your soul was in Hell in the first place, and that changes based entirely on the way you played the game and the choices you made. It's probably VERY hard to actually get the redemption ending, but if you're so tenacious you'll discover that he was in fact on your side from the beginning; just unwilling to take you by the hand.
7. Nick Bounty (A Case of the Crabs 2008, on-line)
By Pinhead Games. Please visit their site and remind them that they're awesome. Nick Bounty is a detective, somewhere on the spectrum between Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island) and Frank Drebin (specifically the Police Squad! television version). Absurd and surreal cases come across his desk: counterfeit crabs and paralyzing salt; and Nick meets every challenge with unyielding enthusiasm and more competence than one might expect from him. Like every good Private Eye, he rolls with the punches (and explosions). Nick is the optimism in his hilariously cynical world, and that alone makes him a hero who deserves to win.
The update
Oh, like I've really got something to offer this series. Point and click adventure games may never reclaim their former glory, but their souls live on in a lot of the indie developers. Nick Bounty's only two outings are much shorter than you'd wish them to be, but you can't deny Pinhead really packed in the creativity and wit. More people should play these free games and bask in the triumph that is our lovable detective. I can only hope it stirs up enough goodwill to bring us a third game, or a flash animation series.
8. Rayne (Bloodrayne 2002, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)
Once Uwe Boll has put his grubby hands on it, it's over, but there was a time when Bloodrayne was a genuinely passable franchise. It was gory (want to randomly slice off a Nazi's face?), gratuitous (the slow pan around Mynce is a work of satirical beauty), and a pretty good bargain bin purchase. It was nothing special. Except when it was. Two words, Laura Bailey. I know I rave about her at every opportunity, but her voice work as Rayne is electrifying. You can hear the heart of gold subtlety beneath the (literal) bloodthirsty killer's exterior. She's driven by emotion, but unlike the complete bore that is God of War's Kratos, Rayne has complex layers of feelings. Some of them may even be positive ones.
The update
There's been a conscious effort recently to produce a wider array of strong female characters in video games, but Rayne is the kind of character who tends to provoke criticism. You tend to see her on 'top 10 most sexist' character lists, which I've always found dreadfully unfair. Yes, we need more strong female heroes; Wonder Woman couldn't have come at a better time. But we also need strong female anti-heroes. Imagine her possibilities in the hands of a writer like Amy Hennig (Uncharted), who knows how to bring out a character's core by presenting them with their moral event horizons. What line won't Rayne cross to get what she wants? Why won't she cross it? Her games always had the fun factor, but they seemed to beg for more substance than they got. I think there's a lot of life left in the old girl, and if Lara Croft can get a second reboot, why not a half-vampire?
Honorable mention: Stanley the Bugman
I have no idea what could be done with him, but this little footnote in Donkey Kong history deserves a second appearance in something. In case Donkey Kong 3 slipped past you in 1986, DK took refuge in a greenhouse, leaving poor Stanley to defend his flowers from the ape and the hornet nests DK stirs up. The game's not great, but the one thing that always stood out to me was just how stressed out Stanley looked on all of the artwork. I've always assumed he was this innocent bystander in the Mario-verse who leads a pretty mundane, if routine, life. Then one random morning he shows up for work and: What the f-? How did that even get in here? Mario is credited as an everyman character, but he's honestly a superhero compared to Stanley, who is so confused that he can only think to reach for his bug spray and do his best. I think we've all had days like that.
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