200th Blog: The Wooly Side's Open Mic Night (and a Cow Named Rover)

Somewhere in the ether of my wandering attention span, I imagine there's a little out of the way tavern called the Solla Saloon (probably down the road from The Flowing Fountain, but a bit more geared towards alcohol instead of coffee). On this particular night, or day, whenever you're reading this, I like to imagine the various characters who have appeared so far in my blogs are congregating for a little social interaction. Everyone from Marguerite to the lamb and the fox have gathered around various tables and corners of the dance floor. Copyrighted characters like Scooby-Doo and the whole Disney lot were sent invitations, which likely never made it to their recipients. But when you have a Kamyl, an Ostrich, and an Ampersand walking into a bar legalities just get in the way.

I poke my head in to see how things are going, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. It seems like they've taken a little break from the soundboard music and are having an impromptu talent show. Zelphina has just surrendered the microphone to somebody named Deitrick (one of my characters I regrettably don't even remember). He brings out a guitar and begins strumming the repetitive chords to The Beverly Hillbillies.

Deitrick (singing):

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Fred.
A lot of us thought he was out of his head.
He lived like a hermit in the jungle of Siberia
And he did a summer study on the culture of Assyria.

Then one day he was huntin' Easter eggs,
Tripped on a rope that was fastened to some kegs.
His gun shot off with a thunder through the silence,
But lucky for the censors he avoided any violence.

The bullet made its way to the trunk of a tree.
Of course the sudden impact pulled the bottom free.
The tree hit another, and so on down the rows,
And fifty came down like a line of dominoes. (The toy, that is. Not the pizza.)

The trees bounced back to their normal standing place.
A look of perplexion came across our buddy's face.
He jumped like a loony and he shouted with glee.
"I have just discovered a new type of rubber tree!"

Now to see this sight would have really been a scare,
So all of Fred's friends said, "Move away from there!
"You know that Californy is the place you ought to be!"
But instead he packed his bags and he moved to Tennessee.

Now that's not the end of this version of my tale,
But if you want the rest you'll have to order through the mail-

At which point he stops playing entirely and meanders off the stage, handing the guitar to Zelphina (who seems as confused as I am). But everyone else apparently has enjoyed the performance as they applaud Deitrick's contribution.

Zelphina takes center stage.

Zelphina:

Thank you Deitrick. That really gave us quite a lot to consider thinking about later if we feel like it. Up next we have a recitation from Jeremy Bentham AKA the mummy, as he presents Wholesome Solvent 10: Death Drop Dead.

Jeremy The Mummy:

Death, be not proud, though some dread thee with praise,
For I'm drinking milk, and I'm growing these days,
And milk hath the calcium grams that I needeth,
Potassium, phosphorus, Vitamin C- death,
Magnesium, sodium, protein and zinc,
And what I shan't drink I shall pour down the sink.
My bones will grow strong (though my skin will decay)
This I owe to my friends the U.S.R.D.A.
And shouldst thou seek me early with culprits or strainers
My face shall appear on the backs of containers
And thus dearest death, I've evaded thy mystery.
I shall remain and then thou shallt be history.

Zelphina:

Let's hear it then for our resident link to the afterlife and his public service announcement. Up next is a dear friend of ours over at the Carousel, Becky Emerson. She's presenting a liturgical-styled dance that she's choreographed herself to an untitled piece known colloquially as a diminishing verse. Please welcome her warmly.

(Note: Since Becky's dance doesn't translate well into blog narrative, only the lyrics are presented here.)

Last night a dream became reality in my slumber

And even though I am not able to encumber

It all I continue to feel the memories

Of passion, warmth, and securities

That I shared in my embrace,

Of which I still can place

Strong arms entwined

In my body and mind

As I wake to cry

So I'll know

What I've

Dreamed

Is as

Real

As

I

Zelphina:

Beautiful, Becky. Now please provide a certain degree of tolerance to the Wooly Side's very own Detective Nathaniel Guffey of The Wax Buzzard Files, who I may or may not have known for longer than I realize. He's here tonight to present an hors d'oeurve platter of non-sequiturs which should, in his own words, "leave you wanting something else".

Guffey:

1. Is every personal pronoun here tonight, or is it just me?
2. I've decided to start my own non-profit business. I'm selling things nobody wants.
3. If I had to describe my life in one word I wouldn’t bother.
4. I’ll say one thing. Any requests?
5. Twenty minutes with the bed sheets this morning and one side is still higher than the other. I literally can’t even.
6. So how long does it usually take you guys to get ready to rock?
7. I get so tired of hearing lullabies.
8. I feel lousy. I really need to stop exercising.
9. The other day at the gym some schmuck tried to steal an exercise bike. He obviously didn’t get very far. But it still took me half an hour to chase him down because I was on the treadmill.
10. I worked the register at a movie rental place when a mom walked up with her screaming kid and set a copy of Shark Tale on the counter. I gave her the pitch for the rewards card like I was supposed to and she refused. I tried again explaining the benefits but she still wasn’t interested. So I said, “Ma’am, your teeth are ugly, your kid’s annoying, and you have no taste in movies. Now you know I’m not lying. The card is a good deal.”
11. Lip-sync battle finale coming up, and I’m going in all-or-nothing with “Tequila”.
12. I had the most painless experience with the DMV today. I didn’t go.
13. I took second place in an underachieving contest. Better than I expected.
14. But I really want to be a better perfectionist.
15. I guess, technically, I am always in a mood. It goes without saying.
16. I finally played an old Pokemon game. I managed to catch 22. I have mixed feelings about that.
17. Do you ever feel the animals in the petting zoo are silently judging you? I think they’re making poker faces behind my back.
18. Nobody seems impressed that I can get jiggy without it.
19. I’m filing a civil action suit against the Village People. I stayed at the YMCA and it wasn’t fun.
20. I let myself down this past holiday season. I only managed to jingle part of the way.
21. But all things in balance. I try to do a good deed every day. In case I want to mug somebody later.
22. All my friends keep trying to talk me out of giving into peer pressure. They set me up on an expiration date. It didn’t end well.
23. I know when I’m not wanted. It’s like 3:45 in the morning.
24. Is now a good time to mention my watch has stopped?
25. I called Domino's. I asked for an impersonal pan pizza. They left it on the counter for whoever. I used to be enthusiastic about placing the order, but lately I’ve been phoning it in.
26. I took the “Which Phantom Menace character are you?” test. I got “For the last time, you weren’t IN that movie!”
27. Completely wasted meeting with my accountant. He told me the numbers just weren’t there. I had nothing to add.
28. I’m a walking contradiction because I’m not walking.
29. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is a whale.
30. I didn’t get the humanitarian award this year. They’re biased against mean people.
31. I want to invite everyone to an ice cream antisocial. Just, whenever you want, have some.
32. So this guy walks into a bar after they’re closed. No joke.

Zelphina:

So I'm about to introduce our friend the Big Bad Wolf, which is a sentence I never thought I would say. He'll be coming out to perform "Insomnia", a hard rock piece modeled after the style of Lacuna Coil. He'll be joined by my incorrigible girlfriend Caris-

Caris:

(from the floor) Take off your top!

Zelphina:

-who serves as my constant reminder that special things lie beneath the surface. But while they're coming up to the stage, I want to tell you a little story; it might shine some light on why we're all here. It's December of 1977, and a church music director named Miss Hill is in charge of the various choirs that sing throughout the services; including the Cherub Choir, made up of predominantly kindergarten and first grade children. One boy, who has only recently turned five, shows up to a Christmas program rehearsal with a five year old's 'friend'; the cow figurine, borrowed from his family's manger scene. The boy proudly shows off his companion to Miss Hill and the other children, introducing her by name. 

Rover.

Now this is coming from a five year old, who was still untouched by the adult filter of insincerity. A cow named Rover was not tongue in cheek, or a punchline of absurdity. This figurine in the boy's hand was a metaphor for the real living, breathing cow in his imagination, whose name happened to be Rover. Rover the Cow was a fictional character given life by nothing more than the mere assignment of an unusual name. And the other children in the choir, as well as Miss Hill, were able to witness this character in their own minds based on nothing more than a single word.

Skipping ahead to May of 1978, Miss Hill was vacating her position as music director and moving into the next chapter of her life. She took a few moments in front of the congregation to say thank you, farewell, and to share some of her fondest memories from her position. The last one she mentioned was the time a child came to rehearsal with a cow named Rover. A delighted laugh came from every voice in the sanctuary, as the mere mention of Rover the Cow's name summoned her into the minds of the entire congregation. Rover had been real to the child, and then to Miss Hill, and then to a sanctuary of church goers.

That, as they say...is magic.

(cue the music)

Insomnia...

Insomnia...

Ceiling fan is groaning, open molars of verruca
And the wooden rafters creaking in the hall
Headlights from the highway ricocheting off the cobwebs
In the corners where they crash into the wall

Lying for an hour to myself and to the twilight
Draped in fabricated solace for a gown
Chanting self-hypnosis. Counting sheep and respiration games
My feet are drawing circles
And they still won't settle down

I've got insomnia
I've balanced every checkbook that I own
So much insomnia
With voices and a tenor saxophone
I've got insomnia
The sandman has a scarcity of sand
But not insomnia
The things I'd do if I had strength to stand
I've got insomnia

Sighing through a grimace. Even crickets are surrendering
The time is on somebody else's side
Praying for a nightmare, get these shadows off my back
And pour another glass of warm paraldehyde

I seem to have forgotten if my eyes are closed or open
As I slip into monotony and doubt
I wonder why the darkness and the light have such contention
And they chose the cloister of my brain
To sort their issues out

Through my insomnia
It's solitary prison in my bed
And there's insomnia
A hamster wheel is spinning in my head
It's called insomnia
A tidal wave of thoughts without a lull
Because- insomnia
Find me a pen and ram it through my skull
I've got insomnia

Night has come and gone, the stars are drifting off to slumber
And the pheasants greet the sun's impending rise
Visions in the room of purple goats and floating magazines
And copper hammers filled with fireflies

Rolling off the mattress where my heels impact the floorboard
And my skeleton collapses in a heap
Lousy with commitments and a stream of expectations
Good morning everybody
And damn you all to sleep

Insomnia
With vertigo at thoughts of getting dressed
Too much insomnia
The floor is nice, the gentle taste of rest
Thanks to insomnia
I'm cashy cow my palace epson tea
I've got insomnia
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Insomnia

Zelphina:

Lovely, and unfortunately relatable. That pretty much wraps up our potpourri of presentations. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Please help yourself to some food. I'm sure there will be lots of dancing-

Caris:

Take off your top!

Zelphina:

-and alcohol will be guiding us towards our inevitable destination. But I want to leave you with a few choice words from our resident bard herself, and I hope you'll join us again for our 300th blog some time over the next four or five years. Kungaloosh!

A dreamer doesn't buy advice or worship regulations.
A dreamer doesn't nail a price on selfish celebrations.
A dreamer's path is everywhere. A dreamer's wrath is home.
A dreamer: prone to solitaire, their humble catacomb.

The stars entice their wounded eye while sunbeams tip their tongues.
Their ladders stretch into sky, with clouds instead of rungs
A dreamer's dreams are what they seem; the muses and the gods,
To dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream no matter what the odds.