Every Wolf Has His Day
Part One
(Outdoors, on a sunny hillside. The Big Bad Wolf enters and sits down, producing a large red book. Goldilocks scurries past him. She hiccups.)
Wolf: Good morning.
(The girl quickly acknowledges him but continues without saying anything.)
Wolf: Let's see. (He displays the cover of the book to the audience which read The Big Bad Wolf.) I've been wanting to read this. (He opens the book while a family of three bears run past in the same direction as the little girl.) Hey guys!
(One bear responds with a grumble. The little one waves. They all exit.)
Wolf: Okay. (reading) The Big Bad Wolf. By Samuel Marcus Zachary Wentworth IV. (to audience) Wow, some people keep making the same mistakes.
Narrator: (in a voice overhead) Once upon a time...
Wolf: (intrigued by the voice) So, that actually happens. Lost my place already.
Narrator: Once upon a time there was a big bad wolf.
Wolf: (to audience) There really was. I can attest to it. (he starts flipping to the end of the book) I sure hope this has a happy ending.
Narrator: Don't do that.
Wolf: Sorry.
(The Wicked Witch enters, lugging a basket covered in a cloth, hobbling slowly in the direction of the wolf.)
Narrator: The wolf sat on the beautiful countryside, thinking to himself.
Wolf: Oh, that is interesting. I wonder what I'm thinking about. (The witch passes him slowly.) Good morning.
(The witch takes a few steps and stops.)
Witch: What?
Wolf: Nothing. I just said 'Good morning'.
Witch: Are you serious? You just said 'Good morning' to me?
Wolf: Yeah, why? Is it afternoon already?
Witch: You're a disgrace! You know that?
Wolf: What did I do?
Witch: The Big Bad Wolf doesn't sit around reading and telling people 'Good morning'!
Wolf: Well, it's a nice morning. I mean, what would make you happy?
Witch: You're not supposed to make me happy! You're supposed to terrorize and threaten people!
Wolf: I was...about to...come over there and terrorize you.
Witch: Please. You couldn't terrorize a...chipmunk.
Wolf: Why a chipmunk?
Witch: Shut up! I couldn't think of anything.
Wolf: No, watch this! I'm going to be really terrorizing. (he clears his throat) Look out! There's an octopus!
Witch: (after a few moments of not reacting, she pulls an apple out of her basket) See this? It's a poisoned apple.
Wolf: Oh, well you should be careful with that. Don't want anyone to get hurt.
Witch: Yes! I do! That's the point! You have 'Bad' in the middle of your name! What's the matter with you?
Wolf: Oh I can do some bad things all right. I was going to dog-ear all the pages in this book before I returned it.
Witch: (slapping the book away from him) See that hill? There's three pigs over that hill.
Wolf: I think law enforcement deserves more respect...
Witch: REAL PIGS! Go do what you're supposed to do!
Wolf: Alright. (He takes out his cellphone) Fine.
Witch: What are you doing?
Wolf: I'm letting them know I'm coming. (into phone) Listen, you pigs. I'm on my way over. If you get this message before I get there, you can call me back. This is the Big Bad Wolf. See you later.
Narrator: But the Wicked Witch wasn't convinced the wolf would follow through on his claim and she followed him to the hill where the pigs lived.
Wolf: Do you just want to walk together?
Witch: I'm not going with you!
Wolf: (pointing to the narrator's voice) But the-
(The witch storms off. The Big Bad Wolf shrugs and heads in the other direction.)
Part Two
(Outside the house of the three little pigs. The wolf enters.)
Wolf: Okay. Big. Bad. Big and bad.
(He hums a little of the wolf's theme from Peter and the Wolf before knocking on the door. A moment later three pigs appear in the doorway.)
Wolf: Little pigs! Little pigs! Let me in!
Pigs: (exchanging a glance with each other) Sure. It's open.
Wolf: Then I'll huff and I'll- wait, what?
Pigs: Yeah, we got your message. Come on in, we need a fourth player.
Wolf: (giving the audience a puzzled look) Oh. All right then. (he enters the house)
Narrator: It was some time later when mingled curiosity and irritation got the better of the Wicked Witch that she arrived outside the pigs' home to find out what had happened.
(The witch enters, still carrying the basket.)
Witch: (to herself) What is he doing in there?
(A few seconds later, the door to the pigs' house opens and the wolf steps out wearing a plastic Hawaiian lei. There is the sound of merriment coming from inside. The witch's jaw drops.)
Wolf: Thanks a lot guys! I had a great time! See you next week? (General affirmation from inside. The door shuts and the wolf notices the witch.) So you did follow me.
Witch: What's THIS?
Wolf: Oh, I had so much fun in there! Those guys are gr-
Witch: Didn't I tell you to do what you do?
Wolf: Yeah, but I wound up doing this instead. We're getting together again next week if you'd like to-(the witch whacks him on the snout) What was THAT for?
Witch: You are seriously an embarrassment! What part of 'Big Bad' is lost on you?
Wolf: Maybe I don't want to be bad. I'm telling you, you're really missing out.
(Little Red Riding Hood enters, carrying a similar basket to the one the Wicked Witch has.)
Witch: (pointing at Red) You have one shot to redeem yourself. Now do it right!
(Red stops and pulls out a map of the forest.)
Wolf: Okay, fine. How does this one go? (he approached Red and clears his throat.) My, what a big basket you have. (Red looks at him with uncertainty. The wolf looks to the witch.) Is that right? (The witch does a face palm. The wolf turns back to Red.) Do you need help carrying that?
Red: (handing him her basket) Thank you kind sir. I'm Little Red Riding Hood.
Wolf: I'm the Big Bad Wolf. This is my friend, the Wicked Witch-
Witch: ASK ABOUT HER GRANDMOTHER!
Wolf: How is your grandmother doing?
(The witch throws her hands up, dropping her basket and pushes her way between Red and the wolf.)
Witch: What nimbus here is trying to say is you look lost and he can tell you how to get to your grandmother's house.
Wolf: That's true. I know a shortcut-
Witch: No you don't! The mountain path will take you straight to her house.
Wolf: Yeah, but it's going to take her all the way around-
Witch: (grabbing the wolf's nose) THAT'S THE WAY SHE'S GOING!
Red: Really. It's fine. I don't mind the walk.
Witch: That's good, child. Now run along. These woods can get terribly violent.
(The witch starts to leave, before the wolf calls out to her.)
Wolf: You forgot your basket. (He absently holds up Red's basket. The witch grabs it from him and storms off.) I'm sorry you had to see that. She's been on edge today.
Red: It happens to the best of us.
Wolf: Well, tell your grandmother I said hi.
Red: Aren't you going to be there?
Wolf: (making the connection) Oh! Right! Well, I'll tell her you said hi.
(The wolf runs off, leaving Red to pick up the witch's basket. She notices one of the pigs poking its head out the door to see what was going on.)
Red: Should I be concerned about this?
(The pig shrugs. The action moves to outside Grandmother's house. The wolf enters and checks the name on the mailbox, confirming he's at the right place.)
Wolf: (reading) Grand-mother's-house. (the door to the mailbox falls open and hangs lopsided) Whoops. (the wolf closes it and it falls open again. He struggles with it but manages to click the hinges back in the way they're supposed to be.) There we go.
(The wolf walks over to the house's front door and knocks.)
Granny: Who is it?
Wolf: Big Bad Wolf. (he waits a few moments in silence) Hello?
Granny: Go away.
Wolf: Come on, open the door.
Granny: No!
Wolf: Wait, did I flub this already?
Granny: Go away or I'll call the woodcutter!
Wolf: Come one Granny. Red Riding Hood will be here any minute. You've got to let me in.
(Granny opens the door as far as the chain lock will allow.)
Granny: What is my incentive to let the Big Bad Wolf into my house?
Wolf: You...That's actually a good question. (Granny slams the door.) Oh, right! Um. (in falsetto) It's Red Riding Hood, grandma. (he's answered with silence) Okay. It's not Red Riding Hood. Look, it's been kind of weird day, could you just advance the project for me?
Granny: I'm NOT letting you in.
Wolf: The pigs let me in. We had a great time.
Granny: And then you ate them!
Wolf: I did not! You can call them right now.
Granny: You're the Big Bad Wolf!
Wolf: That's just a name. Were they calling you 'Grandma' when you were in kindergarten? I mean, I fixed your mailbox. (there is no response) You want to play hardball, lady? (he walks away from the door) Where's that ladder?
Narrator: And so the wolf found a ladder and climbed up on top of Grandmother's house.
(Granny steps outside to see what the wolf is doing.)
Granny: You know I have a pot boiling at the bottom of the chimney, right?
Wolf: I'm not looking for the chimney. (a handful of leaves and pine needles lands in front of Granny) I'm going to clear out your storm drain. (several more handfuls are sent downwards) I'll show you how nice I can be.
Granny: Look, you don't have to do this.
Wolf: Nope. Once I start something...
(The scene transitions inside Grandmother's house a little while later. Granny is reading a book. Red Riding Hood enters with the woodcutter.)
Red: ...It was just kind of strange, you know? I mean, we may not need you today but do you mind hanging out for a second just in case?
(The woodcutter nods and steps just offstage. Red Riding Hood walks in the house still carrying the basket.)
Red: Hi Grandm- (she realizes it's actually her grandmother in the house) Grandma? (Granny nods) Where is he?
Granny: He's cleaning out the garage.
Red: Okay? (she sits next to Granny) So what do we do then?
Granny: I don't know. I'm at a loss.
Red: Well, I brought you some goodies. A bunch of cakes, pastries, muffins. (Granny looks in the basket) You know, I never thought about it before but it might not be the best idea to overload an elderly woman on processed sugar.
Granny: (taking out the apple) I'm sure this would be fine.
Red: That's odd. I don't remember packing that.
(Granny bites into the apple as the wolf walks in carrying a feather duster and a cap on his head)
Wolf: I just remembered. I was supposed to tell you Red Riding Hood says hi- (he sees the apple and dives for it) NO!
(The wolf pushes the apple out of Granny's hand and onto the floor, which takes her dentures with it. The dentures start burning as smoke rises from the apple. Nobody moves for a few seconds.)
Wolf: (to Granny) You okay?
(Red Riding Hood throws her arms around her grandmother)
Granny: I'm fine. Thank you.
(The wolf sinks into a chair in relief as the woodcutter runs in with his axe ready.)
Red: No, it's okay! The Big Bad Wolf saved my grandma's life!
Wolf: Do you think we somehow got the baskets mixed up?
(Cut to inside the dwarfs' cottage. The Wicked Witch is frozen in disbelief as Snow White is stuffing her face with Red Riding Hood's treats, managing to mention between gulps how nice it was of the witch to bring her so many desserts.)
Witch: I'm gonna kill him.
Part Three
(Outside in a meadow. An adolescent shepherd boy sits on a fence ignoring the sheep bleating off stage.)
Narrator: And the moral of the story-
(The Wicked Witch shoots the Big Bad Wolf a look but ultimately gives up on protesting. They wander down the trail together.)
THE END
Boy: Wolf! (he snickers to himself) WOLF!
(A few seconds later a farmer carrying a pitchfork runs in and the boy starts laughing.)
Farmer: I swear if you do that one more time you're going in the thrasher!
Milkmaid: (running in) Is it him again?
Farmer: Yeah!
Milkmaid: What is wrong with you?
(A few more townsfolk show up, all equally hostile. They are spouting insults at the shepherd boy and are approaching the consensus to 'get him' when the Big Bad Wolf comes running in from the opposite side.)
Wolf: I got here as fast as I could! What's going on?
Everybody else: WOLF!!!
(A commotion breaks out with a few people panicking and some threatening the wolf. The wolf throws his hands up to regain order.)
Wolf: Guys! This isn't helping! Let's take it back down to about a three and see if we can sort this out. (the crowd calms down a bit) Okay. I'm here because I heard somebody calling for a wolf. Now, it looks like you guys are about to lynch this kid. Is that right?
(Everybody begins talking at once again and the wolf has to settle them back down. Another villager runs in at the last minute wearing a towel.)
Villager: That sounded for real. Hey, there really is a wolf this time!
Wolf: (pointing to the milkmaid) You. What's this about?
Milkmaid: This is the third time today this punk has started yelling "Wolf!" at the top of his lungs and we all come running to help him and he starts laughing like it's a game to him!
Wolf: So does everyone agree that this is the central issue?
(All the villagers respond affirmatively with the anger level rising again. The wolf has to bring it back down once more.)
Wolf: Okay, I get it. I'd be mad too. But remember, he's a kid. He's got some impulsiveness-
Milkmaid: THREE TIMES! (the others agree with the sentiment)
Wolf: I'm not saying it excuses the behavior, but let's at least hear him out. (there's a grumbling that fades to silence, and the wolf turns to the shepherd boy) Have you been stirring up these people? (the shepherd boy refuses to make eye-contact) Come on, work with me a little.
Boy: It was just a joke.
Wolf: Really? It doesn't seem all that funny to me. I mean, maybe you think so but to everybody else, it's kind of mean spirited.
Boy: I just don't see what the big deal is.
Wolf: The big deal is, you're entertaining yourself at their expense. I mean, look at them. They fell for it twice already and they still came running just in case you were really in trouble. (pointing to the one villager) That guy got out of the shower for you. Of course they're mad. Is it honestly worth this to you?
Boy: Do you have any idea how boring it is watching sheep all day?
Wolf: No I don't. But if you really feel that way, why did you become a shepherd?
Boy: I didn't become this! I was told to do it!
Wolf: (nodding) Okay, I think I understand. Have you ever told anyone that you weren't happy?
Boy: (softly) No.
Wolf: Well, is there something you'd rather be doing instead? (the shepherd boy stares at the ground) Come on. I find that people do a job better if they like doing it. You really don't have anything to lose-
Boy: I want to be a marine biologist.
Wolf: (taking a moment) Okay that's good. It's a little out of my area of expertise. (turning to the crowd) What do you guys think? I don't have a solution but can we at least agree to keep talking about this some more? (everyone nods in agreement) Great! I think we're all in a good place right now.
(The Wicked Witch runs in, pointing at the wolf furiously.)
Witch: YOU!
Wolf: I can explain-
Witch: I am going to skin your fur and wear it!
Boy: (to the Big Bad Wolf) Run for it!
Farmer: Let's get her!
Witch: What the-
(The Big Bad Wolf runs off while the villagers proceed to beat up the Wicked Witch.)
Witch: I swear I'm gonna- (the rest of her sentence is muffled out)
(The scene transitions into a late afternoon setting, where the Big Bad Wolf, Goldilocks and the bears are seated in a circle having been talking for some time. Goldilocks hiccups.)
Wolf: So we're all cool then? (the bears all nod in agreement while Goldilocks hiccups again) Everybody satisfied with the compromise?
(The bears nod again followed by another hiccup. The wolf suddenly lunges at Goldilocks startling everybody. She freezes momentarily, then lets out a sigh of relief as her hiccups have been cured. She leans in to give the wolf a squeeze as the meeting breaks up.)
Wolf: Okay sweetie, you run on home before it gets dark. Remember, next weekend. Bears versus pigs! The practical one's quiet but I think he can count cards. (they all start moving away) Man! I'm on a roll today!
(Everyone but the wolf leaves. He notices the figure of the Wicked Witch sitting with her back to him in front of a stream.)
Narrator: And the moral of the story-
Wolf: (gently cutting the narrator off) Not now. (he approaches the witch from behind, but she refuses to acknowledge him) Rough day? (he sits next to her) You know, I give pretty good neck rubs-
Witch: Don't you touch me!
(They stare into the stream for a few seconds without speaking.)
Wolf: Do you know the old proverb "Remove the rocks and the river loses its song"? It's one of my favorites. Whenever I sit by a creek or river or anything with running water, it pops into my head. I used to think the rocks were the troubles life gave you, and the song represented how you got around them, and maybe that's what it's supposed to mean. But sometimes I think, maybe we're the rocks. You know? Like, some rocks are so small all they ever do is get pushed around by the current. And then there's the really big ones, firmly in the ground and still reaching through the surface. I always thought, those are the rocks that make the song. But the constant current slowly whittles away at those rocks. They gradually get smaller. Finally, they can't hold onto their spot anymore. And it becomes a slightly different song.
Witch: Is there a point that your insipid prattling is bound for?
Wolf: Not really. I just find when the river changes course it's better to roll with it.
Witch: You know I want you dead. Right?
Wolf: Yeah. But that's today. (he gets up) Come on. I'll walk you home.
(The Wicked Witch shoots the Big Bad Wolf a look but ultimately gives up on protesting. They wander down the trail together.)
THE END
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