Blognostication Number Two: The Middle of the End of the World

Welcome to part two of my look back at End of the World (which didn't literally happen in case you were wondering).

We were finishing up our second draft of the script when it occurred to us that we didn’t really have a solid ‘exit’ from Act One into the intermission, and we could really benefit from having a song to take us out. Not having any subject in mind I chose the first thing to pop into my head, which happened to be an ostrich.

A little bit of online research through a tediously slow dial up connection produced the basic framework of the story that seemed to work well enough. I actually finished writing the lyrics the day the second draft was due, and I’m proud to be the only songwriter (according to Google) to use the word ‘cognomenic’ in a hoedown.

Feel free to try reproducing the song with your own banjo voiced synthesizer. Almost the entire song is spoken like a square dance caller. In the chorus, the first “Ostrich” is sung on the tonic (kind of like “Convoy”), the second is probably a whole step down, and then the “You can’t fly” just goes “La Ti Do” back to the tonic again. Can’t wait to hear your rendition.

(Oh by the way: Yeah sure, I know NOW that ostriches don’t ‘bwack’. Like I said, I had dial up, and only enough patience for one website to load. It might have been nice to know that they don’t have vocal chords before ‘bwack’ became a major plot point.)

Ostrich

 

Narrator:

Well the Hampshire farm is a sight to see, it's a wool and mutton keep.

And the ASI, they won't deny it's got the finest sheep.

Now the farmer, he'd been out of town, expansion for the job,

And his wife had grace to tend the place and face the furry mob.

Well the trip back home was mighty long in the sun's undying heat,
But by afternoon the range had strewn a cognomenic bleat.
The farmer hurried toward his ranch. God knows what state it's in.
But he froze in shock when he saw his flock, for prancing in his pen

There was an

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Winged and feathered.

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Not even tethered.

It's a bright ratite with its head in the sand and it scampers on command

'Cause it's an

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

 

Struthio genus.

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Plumed ballerinas.

You're a moa's kin with a grin but you can't fly.

Now the farmer gawked in disbelief while his wife ran to his side.
She just adored that goofy bird as her face lit up with pride.

Wife:

She comes from Southern Africa. It's in her dossier.
I've had her keep me company while you were gone away.

Farmer:

What the hell's this beaked behemoth doin' in my pen?

Wife:

She's tending to the animals. She's just the sweetest hen.

Farmer:

I told you buy a sheepdog. Now were those instructions steep?

Wife:

No really, she's intelligent. She's trained to shepherd sheep.

Narrator:

Well the farmer'd had his fill of this. He glowered at his wife
So painful a rejection that it sliced her like a knife.

Farmer:

 

I'm only gonna say this once 'cause it's the final word.
Get rid of her, you hear me? Take away the flipping bird!
How could you be so stupid? Where on earth do I begin?
Do you phone up disaster? 'Here's the door. Now come on in.'
Don't bother me with yowling or that whimper all distraught.
If I find her in the morning, I'll have that buzzard shot!

Chorus:

Unwanted Ostrich!

Narrator:

Talk to the talon.

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Eggs by the gallon.

What a pain in the neck when your sites are set for a word on the Internet

That rhymes with

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Names ain't a applyin'.

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

That's why we ain't tryin'.

In a rickshaw race you would place but you can't fly.

(Instrumental bridge with a very tearful goodbye between the wife and the bird)

Narrator:

That night the world was in a dream as far as stillness spans
When past the ranch there came this truck and these two ruffians.
No sign of any watchdog and the farmer was asleep.

Thug One:

It seems an opportunity.

Thug Two:

Let's steal ourselves some sheep.

Narrator:

They loaded up the trailer with as much as it would hold.
So sure they'd have a fortune when their thieving gains were sold.
They rolled on down the highway, each with smugness on his face
When suddenly they heard a sound they simply couldn't place.

Ostrich:

 

Bwack!

Thug Two:

 

What was that?

Ostrich:

Bwack!

Thug One:

Tire's flat?

(Two measure pause)

Ostrich:

Bwack!

Thug One:

Stop the truck.

Ostrich:

Bwack!

Thug Two:

What the f- (insert a carefully timed audio cover)

Narrator:

Well the driver opened up his door and learned the pain of even score.
That ostrich jumped inside the truck and gave them boys a hefty chuck.
Her wings they beat. Her feathers flew. She showed them boys a thing or two.
She chased them bandits through the cab. They tumbled out in battered drab.
Then one jumped up like a startled boar and quick as rick he slammed the door.
The other sprang across the hood and shut that door tight as he could.
Then they took off into the wood. Them boys, they disappeared for good.

But sure as southern chicken's fried, our gal was trapped inside.

Ostrich:

Bwack?

Narrator:

Now the morning came as it always did and the farmer checked his flock.
He saw the place was empty and he found a busted lock.
When his wife ran over to him, you could see his anger spurred
An accusatory glare of what he figured had occurred.

Farmer:

I told you this would happen! Put an ostrich in my pen!

Narrator:

But his wife, she beamed triumphantly, with pride across her grin.

Wife:

Did you read the headlines? Our girl is ample luck.
I knew she was intelligent. She also stole a truck.

Chorus:

Convicted Ostrich!

Narrator:

Sheep were admitted.

Chorus:

Ostrich!

Narrator:

Case was acquitted.

Well she went downtown on a bus instead and enrolled in driver's ED

Chorus:

For Diesel! Ostrich!

Not caught speedin'.

Ostrich!

Headin' to Eden.

For the birds survive if they drive when they can't fly.

You can drive but you can't fly.

Ostrich:

Bwack!