E3 has come and gone, and with it some very important updates about the beloved Kingdom Hearts series. We've now received confirmation that the things that have already been confirmed are in fact still confirmed, so good news there. More importantly, the game is officially in development, which means the past twelve years of development are probably leading up to something.
Now the bad news. Game creator/perfectionist Tetsuya Nomura is expected to pull the other half of his development team off the project in favor of a Final Fantasy VII prequel; tentatively titled Aerith Gainsborough: Flower Seller, Two Weeks Before Retirement, which means the third entry in the main series is having to take on extra workers just to make sure its release date is pushed back far enough.
Well I've never been one to accept that I'm doing nothing with my time, so as a courtesy to the KH fan base I've decided to submit my synopsis for a potential spin-off specifically for MAC users who can access a Commodore 64 emulator through a patch based on Word 95. I'm calling it Kingdom Hearts: Esoteric Connections. Even I don't know what the title means.
All of the worlds in this game are going to be based on Disney properties that are dreadfully unlikely to ever make it into the actual series. Here they are in order of appearance.
1. The Adventurer's Club (Pleasure Island in Orlando, Florida 1989-2008)
2. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
3. Melody Time (1948)/Paul Bunyan (1958)
4. Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)
5. The Rescuers (1977)
6. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)
7. Make Mine Music (1945)
8. The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
9. The Black Cauldron (1985)
10. The Black Hole (1979)
Premise:
Some time between one of the Kingdom Hearts games and one of the other ones, Sora, Donald, and Goofy find themselves stranded in a jungle wilderness. As far as they know, the Gummi Ship is lost or destroyed or eaten, it's not important right now. The point is, they're being chased by this new type of enemy called the Impulses, and their experience levels have been set back to 1.
Having to run via cut scene takes them into the first (and serving as home base) world.
1. The Tavern of Tales
The tavern is practically empty. The only human character seen is the unnamed maid who spends Sora's first arrival sitting on the stage in the library talking to the haunted organ. In the main salon, Colonel Critchlow Suchbench sits dormant, and is only woken up after Sora defeats several waves of Impulses. Having come "off duty" the Colonel explains the situation, that nobody comes to the tavern anymore to swap stories because everyone seems to have lost their passion for adventures. Goofy immediately makes the connection that it's related to the Impulses they've been fighting. The tavern has been overshadowed by a cloud of 'Indifference' ever since Babylonia (the stone face on the wall) went to sleep. The Colonel suggests that if Sora travels into the world and acquires some stories to attract people back to the tavern, the cloud will lift. It's Kingdom Hearts logic.
2. The Village of Superstition
The warm-up world is based on Sleepy Hollow and involves a lot of going back and forth. The central problem is that everyone is afraid to come to Katrina van Tassel's Halloween party because of the Impulses running amuck. But Sora and company clear out the monsters multiple times, getting everybody there, inadvertently getting mixed up with the rivalry between Brom Bones and Ichabod Crane.
Boss Battle: The Headless Horseman
As to be expected, this culminates in the boss of the world, which Sora defeats (while still scaring Ichabod away). It turns out not to be Brom in disguise after all, but their old friend Jack Skellington, who got lost on his way back to Halloween Town and felt compelled to give everyone a good scare. Skellington is sent back to The Tavern of Tales while Sora continues to his next destination.
3. The Land of Legends
This world is primarily based on the old west, but is really a combination of a few tales. Johnny Appleseed is the first character they meet, and he's had no luck planting seeds because the land is too dry. Sora has to fight his way through the plains to enlist the help of Pecos Bill, who can rope rainclouds and move them. Unfortunately water is only one part of the solution, they also need the land plowed. For that, Sora has to track down Paul Bunyan. In the process they discover that Simba has also been lost between worlds and has been roaming the land.
Boss Battle(s)
The mid-boss is Babe the Big Blue Ox, who is only protecting Paul Bunyan (who in turn has sunk into a depression as of late). After that defeat-means-friendship moment, Sora figures out that the Impulses are made up of people's passions being stolen from them.
The main boss battle comes later in the form of Stratos, the wind Titan from Hercules. They have to enlist Pecos Bill's help to defeat it, but this releases enough of the Impulses to revitalize Paul Bunyan into helping plow the land.
4. Wishing Mountain
The last land to complete the first circle leading back to the tavern is a world based on Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Sora befriends Darby, and is the only one who believes his tales of the little people. Sora helps protect Darby from several Impulses on his way to fetch the bell for the local church, and learns that there has been another visitor who arrived before Sora who took an interest in the little people.
Through a leap of intuition they realize Aladdin has landed in this world as well and is looking to wish himself back to Agrabah. Sora climbs mount Knocknasheega where he discovers Aladdin has all but perished trying to get to the top.
Boss Battle
The Banshee. Sora has to fight it off so as to not call the Death Coach on Aladdin. His efforts are noticed by King Brian, the leprechaun, who seems surprised that Sora has no interest in wishes, only in restoring the lands and their people to the former story-driven glory. It's here that Sora is granted to ability to warp to places he's already been.
The Tavern of Tales (part 2)
As Sora has done what the Colonel suggested, the tavern is a bit livelier this time. Graves the butler, and Fletcher Hodges the curator are here now. Babylonia is still not awake, but Fletcher has taken it upon himself to revive the Balderdash Cup, a prestigious award given to the person with the greatest tale.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.
It's at this point that the tavern's treasurer Otis T. Wren arrives with the news that a young girl has gone missing in Devil's Bayou, and the tavern is requested to send help. With Sora currently the only one qualified to tackle the challenge, he's volunteered.
5. The Devil's Bayou
This essentially follows the story of The Rescuers, with Sora and friends in the Bernard/Miss Bianca role. Penny is replaced by a new character named Belladonna (who claims to be a princess of indeterminate age), although like Penny in the original she also has a teddy bear that she's apparently fond of. The McGuffin this time around is a rare plant, as opposed to a diamond. Madame Medusa is still the main antagonist, even though she remains unfought.
Boss Battle(s)
The midway battle is with Brutus and Nero, Medusa's pet crocodiles. The final battle is related to the plant, which is a form of nightshade that has the ability to absorb certain energies related to the Impulses. It transforms Belladonna's teddy bear into the monster of this world. When defeated, the nightshade crystalizes into a dormant item.
Tavern of Tales (part 3)
And we're back again. The takeaway here is that Sora has now met someone out of place in their world who has not traveled with him before, which throws off the earlier theory. Belladonna thanks Sora for rescuing her and expresses hope that she will be able to find her way back to the Marshes of Morva.
Tavern President Pamelia Perkins has arrived and officially makes Sora, Donald and Goofy members with the salute and creed (Kungaloosh!). Explorer Samantha Sterling then approaches Sora to inform him that Johnny Appleseed has an important discovery that he wants Sora to see.
6. Kingdom of Clouds
Returning to the Land of Legends, Sora finds that the dissipated energies from all of the defeated Impulses has caused one of the vines to stretch way into the sky. With no prompting from anyone, he climbs to the top and discovers the home of Willie the Giant, who has stolen the precious treasure known as the singing harp. You can guess how this plays out.
Boss Battle
Willie, multiple times. He has the ability to shapeshift, which means he confronts the heroes in various shapes as dictated by the environment. When defeated, it becomes evident that he was using the same type of magic energy the Impulses used to achieve these alternate forms, and now he's no longer capable of transformation. Instead of chopping down the vine, Sora allows Willie to climb down to the Land of Legends where Paul Bunyan gives him an earful for stealing the harp in the first place.
Tavern of Tales (part 4)
Based on the number of cutscenes, this is clearly the end of act two. We get a few answers. The Impulses are based on the drive people have to be something other than what they are, i.e. an energy Sora didn't realize he'd been using this whole time. People who have that energy taken from them in essence lose themselves. But he's still not clear why it's happening.
It's time for the Balderdash Competition, and Sora enters along with Otis T. Wren and recent arrival Hathaway Browne, the aviator. When it's Sora's turn to tell his greatest tale, he summarizes the events of the first Kingdom Hearts game. At first, no one believes he could have that many adventures in such a short time period, but he begins to describe how Maleficent organized an entire legion of baddies focused on a single purpose. As he's pressed for more information about Maleficent, a shadow begins forming behind him in the library, manifesting itself into Maleficent and many heartless creatures. It's up to Sora to fight his way through the tavern with the help of Donald, Goofy, Aladdin, Simba, and Jack Skellington.
Boss Battle
Maleficent in dragon form, alongside Princess Belladonna. The defeat of Maleficent restores the tavern to an unblemished state. It becomes clear that this wasn't the real Maleficent, but an illusion created out of Impulse energy and Sora's story.
With things back to normal, Sora is awarded the Balderdash Cup (which slightly increases AP). Hathaway Browne tells Sora that he's sure one of his former companions was spotted in the ocean and offers to fly Sora out to the harbor.
7. The Ocean of Dreams (Boss Battle First)
The Leviathan from Atlantis. Sora's primary goal is to rescue Ariel, and the Leviathan will be the end battle for this level. But that only proves to be the distraction from the main conflict.
A Tragic End
One of the most heart wrenching stories Disney has ever told is The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met. This is the plotline Sora gets involved in for this world, and he's going to inadvertently cause the tragic ending the animated film is remembered for. First he meets impresario Tetti-Tatti and naively spills his past experience with being swallowed by a whale. Then he's going to meet Willie the Whale, and (riding on the theme of the game) encourage him to follow his passion and be more than he already is. And having set up both those elements, while Sora is dealing with the Leviathan, Willie will be harpooned just like in the original.
In this whole series, Sora hasn't dealt with an actual loss yet; certainly not one he's responsible for. It's time for Kingdom Hearts to address the fact that sometimes the world sucks and there is literally no way to prevent it.
8. Kuzcotopia
This level is unique in the sense that Sora deliberately avoids interacting with the film that it's based on. After the past tragedy Sora wants to be alone, asking Donald and Goofy to escort Ariel back to the tavern. His interactions with the characters from The Emperor's New Groove are kept to a minimum, always arriving at set locations before or after the film counterpart has happened. Impulses still run rampant, but Sora seems to be the only one who notices them as the peasants have given up on the hopes of their own.
Princess Belladonna tracks Sora down and tries to encourage him out of his despair. She shows him how to use the nightshade crystal to absorb the energy from defeated Impulses. From there he could change himself into anything he wants. But at best she only gets him to resume his role in defeating the Impulses, not gaining their powers.
Belladonna winds up getting captured by the Impulses, just because, and Sora goes after her. This leads him into Yzma's secret lab. He confronts the Impulses, but soon figures out the kidnapping was only a ruse by Belladonna. She's been controlling the Impulses herself, and the fake kidnapping was to jolt Sora out of his sense of defeat. He demands to know why she's doing this, and she offers her hand. If Sora goes with her to the Marshes of Morva, she'll explain everything. Sora refuses, not willing to abandon Donald and Goofy. Belladonna becomes so frustrated that she summons an Impulse and dumps a whole shelf of Yzma's potions onto it.
Boss Battle
An Abomination. Sora has to face off with this thing by himself, and it's meant to be 'That One Boss' of this game. Upon defeat of the Abomination, Sora heads back to the tavern. The moment he's gone, a kitten-fied Yzma scurries in and finds the remainder of her potions smashed, suggesting she's now stuck in this form.
Tavern of Tales (part 5)
The tavern is now at its full glory, and the singing harp has initiated their world famous Hoopla. The song and merriment has finally awakened Babylonia. As gratitude she offers to send Sora and his friends right where they want to go, which she assumes would be back to his world; but Sora can't imagine leaving after Belladonna has been meddling with these other worlds. So instead he asks if they can go to the Marshes of Morva.
9. Marshes of Morva
We're on Belladonna's home turf. Sora has access to all of his companions (if for some reason the player wants to use any of them). This chapter reveals Belladonna's motivations. She's a witch who thinks she's a Disney princess. As worlds became connected, she was able to use her powers to watch Sora's exploits from afar. She decided the defining trait of a Disney princess was to 'dream of something more'. Sora argues that you can always make yourself better, but you can never make yourself to be something you aren't. Belladonna counters with the fact that you can, you only have to know how. Using the power of Impulses, you can be anything you want to be. Sora outdebates her with "Not by stealing the passion of others. That only makes you a villain."
Boss Battle(s)
The Horned King does about as much here as he did in the movie, but as the game's plot heads towards the Black Cauldron, the level inevitably leads to an encounter with him. There are also two separate fights with Belladonna, and one final one with a transformed version of the Cauldron itself. The destruction of the Cauldron sucks Sora, Belladonna, and others into a void.
10. The Edge of Nothing
When Sora comes to, he finds himself in a metal structure surrounded by darkness. He first meets the intimidating robot Maximilian, who seems to want to eliminate Sora immediately but he's called off by his human creator Dr. Hans Reinhardt. Shortly thereafter, Sora is reunited with his teammates who explain that Dr. Reinhardt's ship the Cygnus rescued them all from the emptiness of space, and the Gummi Ship has been aboard in the docking station this whole time (yay, convenience). Dr. Reinhardt has been intensely studying the phenomenon of the Black Hole.
As expected, Impulses attack the ship, and Sora assumes correctly that Belladonna is also on the Cygnus. Sora et al tracks her down, but she confesses that she's no longer in control of the Impulses. It is learned through some dumb leaps of intuition that the Black Hole is a tear in the fabric of universes. Sora's universe is on the other side, and his Keyblade being in the wrong universe is what is keeping the Black Hole from closing.
Sora informs Dr. Reinhardt of this revelation. Reinhardt does in fact believe him, as he's become obsessed with the voices on the other side of the Black Hole, but he has no intention of letting Sora control the collapse of it.
Boss Battle(s) Round One
This incidentally is the point of no return. The first battle is with Dr. Reinhardt and tons of Impulses on the control deck. It ends with Reinhardt pinned under a giant screen and the place flooding with too many Impulses for Sora to handle. He sends the rest of his party to the Gummi Ship, turning his attention to Belladonna. Sora asks her to save Dr. Reinhardt. Belladonna initially refuses, but Sora presses the issue telling her that it's not too late to be a hero, and that she can be whatever she wants to be. She hears his words and seems to agree, using the Crystal Nightshade to absorb as much of the Impulse energy at it can.
Sora hurries to the Gummi Ship but is stopped for a solo fight with Maximilian. The robot is part brute force, part puzzle boss. Sora has to weaken him to the point of recharging and then breach the hull of the Cygnus to suck Maximilian into the Black Hole. He then joins his companions on the Gummi Ship and they take off.
Boss Battle(s) Round Two
Belladonna. She never tried to save Dr. Reinhardt, she only wanted the power of the Impulses, and when the Black Hole closes all of the Impulses will vanish. She appears in a huge form to block the Gummi Ship's flight path claiming she never wanted to be a hero, she wanted to be (her interpretation of) a princess. She wants Sora to be the hero of her own fairy tale. The Gummi Ship has to shoot its way through her until she's seemingly defeated.
Maximilian and Dr. Reinhardt have merged together due to the gravitational forces of the Black Hole and now control the remains of the Cygnus into the next fight. Sora wins (hopefully) but the resulting explosion separates him from the rest of his group who emerge on the other side of the Black Hole in their correct universe.
Belladonna is back for one last bout with Sora while the Black Hole is collapsing. He hacks through the remaining Impulse energy until there is only Belladonna left. The Keyblade will keep the rift open long enough for Sora to escape. Belladonna cries out for Sora to save her. Being Sora, he tries, but the result is not seen.
Epilogue
Sora wakes up in Traverse Town. Donald and Goofy have no memory of their experience in the alternate universe. The credits roll revealing everybody else got home all right.
In a post credits scene, Sora finds that his own memories are beginning to fade as well. Desperate to hold on to some element of it he quickly recreates the Tavern of Tales's salute, but the final word eludes him until a random female in town calls out "Kungaloosh!" to him. It may or may not be Belladonna, leaving her fate ambiguous.
So that in way too many words is the synopsis of the Kingdom Hearts game that isn't and won't happen. I hope you enjoyed imagining playing it. If you go back and imagine playing it on the hard difficulty, you'll get a bonus screenshot of the actual developers adding Kingdom Hearts III to their to-do list.
Kungaloosh!
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