I want to describe my morning.
I had a chance to go see the 9:10 am showing of The Force Awakens. I woke up a little late but still got through McDonald's easily and back on the road. It was going to be tight, but I knew I'd make it to the theater, walk in, sit down and the first preview would run.
And then the longest, slowest, ugliest train I've ever seen in my life pulled in front of me, coming to a complete stop by around car number 183. I'm positive the conductor even leaned out his window to flip me off.
Now, to be fair (which nerds usually aren't) there was another showing 40 minutes later, so you'd think it would be no big deal there. But I felt a stirring from deep within, as if a million voices suddenly cried out in a string of obscenities in languages I'd never heard before. It was unexpectedly cathartic.
You see, when I heard J. J. Abrams was going to get to play with his action figures on the Disney canvas, I was unaffected. I thought, great, I guess. He's probably a good fit for that franchise, and he was willing to destroy that other 'Star' universe from the inside to land the gig. What could be more empire than that? I just knew better than to spend months-to-years getting worked up about it; i.e. I came out of Phantom Menace thinking "It was decent, good lightsaber battle, the trilogy will get better...".
I saw Revenge of the Sith opening night and didn't speak to anyone for three days.
So I was in the theater this morning sitting through a series of trailers I've already voluntarily sought out on Youtube, when the Lucas logo appeared onscreen sooner than I was expecting. Still no reaction from me. Those familiar blue letters reminding me that the events unfolding should have no bearing on my life as it is came and went.
And somewhere in that blackness before John Williams started his assault, it happened.
I was seeing a new Star Wars movie. In the theater. For the first time. It was like feeling the force for the first time. Chills. Weightlessness. A craving of everything Jedis claim not to be into yet seem to keep seeking out. Let's blast the hell out of some faceless humanoids!
So if you're here you probably don't need me to summarize the plot for you, but let's play pretend movie critic. The empire has restructured and slapped on a new coat of paint, calling itself The First Order, a common dick move I expect we'll be seeing from the Church of Scientology real soon. We have the underused Poe Dameron quickly establish himself as hipster Wedge Antilles, storing the macguffin into a droid and getting captured. He's befriended by a stormtrooper who has an epiphany that murdering an innocent population might be wrong which leads him through a series of fortunate events to Rey Skywalker (yeah, I know they haven't admitted she's Luke daughter yet, but come on.) Stuff happens. Han and Chewey show up. More stuff happens. Leia saves their asses. There's a Death Star upgraded to Planet (another F U to Pluto) and Rey climbs the Steps of Insanity on Gallifrey to offer the Joker's voice acting master, who curiously has no lines of dialogue, his father's lightsaber. In fact she holds it out to him for about ninety seconds before Abrams remembers to roll the credits.
So what did I dislike about the movie?
Honestly, not much. The dialogue can get a little silly at times and the reliance on coincidence is more than a little noticeable (beat us over the head with the light/darkness metaphor, won't you?). But as some of the more...passionate members of my people have pointed out, this isn't science fiction, it's space opera. What's the difference? Midichlorians I suppose.
I mentioned Poe Dameron being underused. He comes across as a really great character right out of the gate but then he disappears for most of the movie. Carrie Fisher's talent is also not fully tapped. Five words: Give. Leia. A. F**king. Lightsaber!
Let's talk Han Solo's death, because I said the word 'spoilers' three times in the title. I'm cool with it. Harrison Ford was pushing for it as far back as Return of the Jedi. But I felt Chewbacca's reaction to it was lacking a little oomph. Yeah, he got a shot off at Darth Newbie, but the Wookie had multiple freakouts in Empire. I wanted to see him completely lose it.
But those are nitpicks. There are so many wonderful things happening in this movie that are worth celebrating, it's hard to know where to start. The new characters are great. Finn's dialogue feels maybe a bit too American, but there are no truly dumb lines like "I'm a person and my name is Anakin." They feel very real, and when the classic characters make their appearances the two generations blend together nicely. Finn and Rey both experience certain elements of the Star Wars universe for the first time, which makes for a convenient audience access point to understand things like how a Tie-Fighter works, or the value of a navigator on the Millennium Falcon.
Harrison Ford seems so much happier to be back as Han Solo than he did as Indiana Jones. He could have phoned in his performance, but you can tell he's really finding the same character beats plus age. Carrie Fisher is brilliant as General Leia. Her balancing of responsibility to the rebels with her emotions about re-meeting her old flame strike the perfect middle ground. Mark Hamill doesn't have anything to do except show up (how the hell long has he been standing in that spot?) but I can say I'm totally digging the Brad Dourif look. I'm secretly hoping for episode VIII we find he's gone maybe a little crazy.
The set pieces are amazing. I don't think I've felt so exhilarated by Star Wars action scenes since the speeder chase in Jedi. While the climactic lightsaber battle isn't as thoroughly choreographed as the one in Phantom Menace, it's arguably the most emotionally driven (a pretty impressive feat after the iconic 'I AM your father' face-off.
Actually, the emotions are the biggest strength of this whole movie. The destruction of Alderaan was tragic in concept, but you never really felt it. You feel the destruction in The Force Awakens. You feel the violence. And the pain and the loss. And probably by default, the humor seems all the more sophisticated. And there's a lot of it. My favorite laugh out loud moment was when Darth Newbie is throwing a lightsaber tantrum and two stormtroopers pause and wordlessly decide to walk the other way.
One final thought, Adam Driver rocks it as Vader's replacement. The character may not be able to live up to his grandfather's legacy, but the actor sure as hell hits every emotion that Hayden Christensen fumbled.
Thank the maker we only have to wait a year and a half for Star Wars: The Force Brushes its Teeth.
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