Stakes and Ratings
Welcome back! So as I promised you before the commercial break, today we're going to show you what to expect when you stake your first vampire.
Now this big guy that we're bringing out now is still in his coffin. If you're fortunate enough to be dealing with a- okay, I think he's waking up. Not to worry. Our producers had us nail the coffin shut. But like I was saying, if your bloodsucker is still sleeping, you want to stay as quiet as possible. Vampires are pretty deep sleepers, but once their eyes are open you lose a lot of your advantage.
So reali- sorry. Guys, can you help me hold him down? He's really squirming. Realistically, when you have him at your mercy like this, it's best to just set the coffin on fire. The heat will bake him long before the wood is damaged enough to- yeah go ahead and bring camera five down. And do we have the crowbar? Great! We're going to open him up and drive the stake in.
You can go to your local hardware store and find pointed sticks. Professional killers usually fall in love with one particular type of wood, but really any sturdy piece of wood will do, just make sure the tip is as sharp as possible. I made mine out of a mop handle- okay he's a lively one. Can you get him back on the table? Yeah, just go ahead and pry that- is your foot okay? I'm actually glad this came up. Remember, accidents will happen. You're dealing with an intelligent creature that can understand what you're saying. You may remember Joe Schlepski a few years back? The vampire had one of those multi-door caskets, and he'd curled up down in- Oh shit! He's- my apologies everyone. How did he get loose?
Not to worry, everyone. See, all these guys are professional vampire wranglers. Is she all right? Get the camera on her. That's Phyllis, our stage manager. Did she get bitten? It looks like she may have cut her arm on his fangs. It's worth noting that's not always a death sentence. Depending on how deep the incision is, a lot of people have lived through that. And if you get to a doctor fast enough, sometimes simple amputation will clear that right up. We'll check in with her in a minute, but I want you to see how these guys work.
Even when you outnumber a vampire, you never want to give up control of the situation. Notice how they're not rushing him like you see in the old black and white films, but they're keeping him cornered with their- what is that? Is that just a regular crucifix or is it- well, he's bust right now, but you see how they function as a unit? Vampire wranglers are irreplaceable in the field, because your best tactical approach is to get the fiend in his coffin.
It looks like we're good to go. Are we cued up? Remember, pound it hard right in the middle of the chest. Mallet? Thank you.
Son of a- Dah! Damn it to hell! Somebody shut him up! I really did a number on my thumb there. Oh, God! No, just go ahead and close it back up. Then put the restraints on it. I think it's broken. Okay, that's really the basics. I'm sorry this didn't turn out the way we hoped. I think we're going to need to go to commercial break, tie up a few loose ends here. When we come back, we're going to take him outside and let the sunlight wipe him out, so you'll- I said get the straps around the casket! Good grief. So you'll definitely want to come back for that. Um, how's Phyllis...all right. Unfortunately it looks like we're going to have to cut our stage manager's head off, but we'll post that video online this afternoon. You can check it out on our website. As always, be sure to subscribe, and let us know in the comments what you thought about today's topic.
We'll be right back. Motherfu-
"Master? Master, wake up."
"Huh?"
"Master, are you all right? You were twitching really violently."
"Oh, I vas having a terrible nightmare."
"Daymare, master."
"Vatever. Just, could you change the channel back to the Cartoon Netvork?"
"Of course master. Anything to help you sleep."
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