This blog was inspired by Rob Plays, a Youtuber and Disney fan. He and his cohort put out a video each listing their top five scariest things in the Disney theme parks. I thought it might be fun to scroll through my own childhood memories to see what I thought the top five most frightening things in the parks were.
Then my mind wouldn't stop at five. So I thought I might push it to ten. That number also came and went. And it was at that point I realized just how much time I spend on the rides with my eyes closed.
Here's the thing: animatronics scare the hell out of me. I have no idea why. My adult brain just seems to misfire neurons when confronted with something that looks like it's supposed to be alive but is clearly nothing more than a mechanical apparatus with eyes. I love Disney, but the place really creeps me out.
In the interest of attempted brevity, I'm going to personalize my list by focusing on things that probably nobody but me is bothered by. So, deliberate jump scare moments with the yetis on the Matterhorn and Expedition Everest are out, as is the whole damn Snow White ride (which, to this day, I have not seen more than twenty percent of). With those eliminations, I think I've been able to narrow it down to the thirteen Disney ghosts that have followed me home.
13. The Ghost Host, The Haunted Mansion (Disneyland)
Specifically the one from Disneyland. To be honest, the Haunted Mansions are more fascinating than scary. Yeah, the ghosts popping up are never fun for me, and the incarnations that use the huge spiders don't help my arachnophobia any, but I'm much better on The Haunted Mansion than most dark rides.
But then there's that stretching room that leads up to the reveal of the Ghost Host hanging from the ceiling above you. In the California attraction, the floor you're on is actually lowering, which means when you first walk in you're very close to the 'dead body' on the other side of the ceiling scrim. When I first figured that out, I was compelled to stare as hard as I could at the ceiling before we started moving to see if I could spot some trace of the apparition. But then I thought, what if I really did see it? And since then I won't look up until I know we're way down at the bottom of the elevator. Just in case.
12. Sabor, Tarzan's Treehouse (Disneyland)
Hey, you know what's fun after getting up at five in the morning, walking several acres across a parking lot, and standing in at least a dozen lines? Climbing steps. In a fake tree.
Tarzan moved into the Swiss Family Robinson's home and brought with him a few surprises to prove the Imagineers did more than put up a new sign. And in Tarzan's childhood home is Sabor, the feral leopard. Sabor is technically a statue, not an animatronic, but it doesn't help. That psychotic look on the creature's face gives one (this one) a sense that adrenaline has kicked in and time only seems to be frozen. It's made all the worse by the fact that you can't see Sabor from any kind of distance. You have to duck your head into the house, and surprise! Thanks Disney.
11. The Owl, Tom Sawyer's Island, (uncertain)
Tom Sawyer's Island is an interesting oddity. If you're on a tight timeframe, you're likely to skip this place; a pity, but an understandable one. If you do venture onto the island, you have what amounts to a personal adventure of exploration. You might find a merry-go-round that looks like a rock, a barrel bridge, and a cave or two.
In at least one of the parks there was a large wooden structure, probably a mill, I don't really remember. I went back and forth through it a couple of times. Nice I guess, no big deal. Then at one point I was inside the place, and for whatever reason I happened to look up, and- holy f- how long has that been there? Yeah, it's just an owl (excuse me, a lifeless shell pretending to be an owl), but damn if that thing wasn't staring right at me. I think it sucked out a small but significant piece of my soul forever.
10. Skeletons, The Pirates of the Caribbean, (Magic Kingdom)
This one is just creepy. The cue line for the Pirates at one point takes you around both sides of a cell where a couple of pirates have died while playing cards. For me, it's the fact that you're up, looking down into the cell below. You can't really get a good view, which gives your mind a few gaps to fill in. Why are they down there? How did they die? Are they actually going to get up and move around?
When I see something from a distance that makes me uncomfortable, my brain automatically starts rewriting reality as if I'm right in the middle of said location. I can't help but imagine what it's like to just be down there, sitting on display.
9. Chernabog, Fantasia Mini-Golf, (Magic Kingdom)
Okay, to be fair this one really isn't bad, it's more the idea that's unsettling. Fantasia Mini-Golf is a great golf course with a lot of fun obstacles. But about halfway through the course there's a cave, which is never a pleasant sign. And the hole even warns you that you might encounter the Slavic deity of dead raising, soul crushing, and karaoke on Thursdays.
He's in there all right. Barely. Imagine if a kid in class hand draws the big guy on an overhead projector sheet and then shines it on the wall. And then turns the light off and back on. Oooh, scary. My wife sometimes likes to remind me of "that tiny gargoyle" that made me so uncomfortable, but you know what? We were in a cave! And it was Chernabog! Come on, he could jump off the wall at any time!
8. Monstro, Storybook Land Canal Boats, (Disneyland)
Monstro's not exactly a surprise on this ride. You see him from the walkway, you see him from the cue, and you see him as your boat drags slowly into his giant mouth while the underpaid attendant gives a half-assed "Oh no, we're being swallowed by the whale from the 1940 classic Pinocchio, sit down kid or your face is going into the bromine filled lake water!"
But then you're through the mouth and you forget about him. And you trudge past miniature versions of Atlantica and Agrabah and sit there thinking you could have been on Space Mountain twice instead of doing this, and suddenly those huge teeth reappear over your shoulder. It's the same Monstro that you just went through, but the ride has doubled back on itself. He's not meant to be part of the tour a second time but he's still larger than the wall separating the two sections. It's a little jarring and embarrassing, in that order.
7.-5. A Bull/A Dead Dinosaur/A Semi-Truck, Mr. Toad/Big Thunder Mountain/Test Track
This is the part of the blog where I start to get tired of typing, and since these three are essentially jump scares there's not much to say except that I startle easily.
Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is no more in Florida, but in its heyday it was a true work of chaos. Everything from the iconic suit of armor that falls at you to the fact that you end up in Hell could serve as a bit of nightmare fuel. For me the worst of it was the damned bull, which I believe was a two dimension piece of wood they shoved at you. But no matter how fake it looked, I swear it almost hit us.
The dinosaur bones on Big Thunder Mountain serve as the climax of the rollercoaster (that couldn't be bothered to add in a decent drop after the dramatic final lift). There's no warning. It's just 'round the last curve and, oh, were your hands up? Well, they're not anymore. And may never be again.
And then there's the 'surprise' truck that lights up at the most sadistic moment in the Test Track ride, blaring its horn and eliminating the possibility of ever trusting the world again. Fun times.
4. Maleficent, Sleeping Beauty Castle, (Disneyland)
I don't know why Disney won't say Sleeping Beauty[apostrophe s] Castle, but if you've never been to the park in California you'll be surprised at how small the castle is. Depending on when in time you visit the park there might be a walkthrough attraction telling the story of Sleeping Beauty. So, um, who's the first character you think of when I say Sleeping Beauty?
The truth is, nothing bad ever really happens. But you can't push through the tight corridors without feeling that it might. You may have had the experience a hundred identical times and still sense that THIS time Maleficent might be standing in some nook. Or may appear in a green wisp right in front of you. The attraction is claustrophobic, and you know the dragon is going to make an appearance somewhere in some form. They once had a miniature version of it in a window display that I swear looked way bigger than it could possibly have been.
This hidden attraction also has a longer lasting effect on your whole Disneyland visit. If this whole story exists in this small castle, what other surprises are you going to find in every other corner of Walt's park? So you start glancing over your shoulder. And then you start finding things. And you are now officially paranoid. Welcome to the party.
3. The Crocodile, Peter Pan's Flight, (Magic Kingdom)
I don't find crocodiles all that frightening in real life. Dangerous, yes, but I don't have any kind of fear reflex upon seeing them. I can't say the same for fake crocodiles. My best theory? Sculptors are horrible people. Every crocodile I've seen at any mini-golf course or jungle themed ride has this...aura about it. Their expressions always look predatory, combining threats of eating and/or drowning you; and unlike sharks, they can chase you up on land.
The witch from Snow White's ride stopped my heart a few times, but the crocodile has inserted himself into the plotlines of many a nightmare. If I went on the ride for the first time as an adult, I might not have such a strong reaction, but as a much smaller organism, the thing looked huge. And naturally I was on the left side of the boat where all the action happened. You first do a flyby just a little too close to him; followed by Captain Hook's ultimate demise, which is a bit of a left turn surprise that I found terrifying. And then as a nice touch, the monster shows up once more on the port side at the unloading area. I think I did a diving roll off the ride at the impressionable age of six.
2. The Former Guests, The Tower of Terror, Disney Studios
You know something else I'm not bothered by? Heights. I mean, there's a fun-fear, but it's not unpleasant for me. My enjoyment of The Tower of Terror was forever ruined by one malfunction and a little bit of thought.
I was on the ride and one of about a hundred possible reasons to have to shut down the attraction happened. My elevator was at the big drop when the lights came on and the prerecorded spiel about how much the attractions hosts really hate the tourists came through the speakers. We started going down at about half the speed of a real elevator. And on the way down we passed a couple of plastic glow-in-the-dark silhouettes of the 'ghost characters' that disappeared in the tower as per story. I just assumed they were spares for elsewhere in the ride being stored there.
But then I thought about it. And I realized they were there on purpose to be blink and you miss them ghostly images on the up and down thrill portion of the ride. Yeah, I know. A cheap Halloween store prop has imprinted on a grown man's brain causing him to think he's seeing real ghosts. I should be humiliated, and the fact that I'm not should tell you how strong of an impact these things really have on me.
1. Chernabog (again), The Share-a-Dream-Come-True Parade, (Magic Kingdom)
Only a handful of people get to experience this one. The DCT parade (originally the SAD parade, but management had no sense of irony) was a series of floats designed to be snow globes. The villains float housed a performer playing Snow White's wicked queen suffering through a sauna of about twenty degrees hotter than whatever the Florida weather was doing outside. Joining her on the float were other regulars like Maleficent, Cruella, Jafar, and a half living half mechanical Ursula on the back (That was me, Sean Astin! I blew you the kiss!). And towering over the queen with his claws on the glass was an inflatable Chernabog. It was awesome!
So yours truly had the hair pulling, skin crawling, tantrum inducing pleasure of getting stuck doing gantry in between day and night parades, which is basically busy work for the cast members who are already bitter about being unceremoniously yanked out of their bid lines. Among the menial tasks upon which we were impressed was cleaning the inside of the snow globe glass only as far up as we could reach (busy work).
So there I am in the villains globe, where the magic for anyone above eleven happens, actually kind of enjoying being there. We're only allowed to use water, because the parade just becomes confusing if the evil queen passes out on Main Street due to fumes. I've scrubbed off a full 360 of fingerprints from knee to shoulder level, and I'm just about to start reciting the queen's lines in Michael Eisner's voice when it occurs to me for the first time that Mr. Nabog's distorted eyes have been peering down at me this whole time.
You know those horror films that essentially amount to if you don't do this one thing you'll survive, and the prospective body count of the festivities makes a special trip out of their way to do that one thing? I swear I heard a full theater's audience chanting "Dude! Don't look up!" Well, I'm proud to say I took their advice. I clambered my way out of the tank and casually walked into the parade building where I pretended to drink from the water fountain for twenty minutes until it was time to head back to the main tunnel. I spent the next few days looking straight forward, convinced that he was still behind and above me. Sometimes in dark theaters or abandoned casino boats that I really have no business being in, I still feel Chernabog hovering, breathing down my neck, and waiting for the joy of my shriek of terror that I'd robbed him of.
Making magic memories.
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