Tuesday, July 17, 2018

The Carousel: Next Game

Zelphina pulled the bar’s door open and maneuvered through the mostly male patronage. A lot of eyes in her direction, but a predominant respectfulness among the ensemble. She received smiles, which she only returned with a polite nod. And the one gentleman who offered to buy her a drink was wise enough to accept her declaration that she was meeting someone at face value.


She spotted him at the pool table, testing out the physics of the game. Demons were naturally drawn to games, but they never played an opponent unless they were confident they would win, and skilled at pretending like they wouldn’t. His skill was not where he wished it to be, hence the round of solitaire.


Zelphina set her palms down on the edge of the table, across from where he was setting up his shot. Smack. The cue ball hopped into a backspin, arcing around the ball in the way and sinking the one he was aiming for. “I call next game.”


He smirked, only glancing up as high as the writing across her chest. “Your highness,” he sneered, “Is the creature dead?”


“I wouldn’t be standing here if it weren’t.”


He rechalked the tip of his cue stick. “I meant the human female you travel with.”


You wouldn’t be standing here if she were.”


He snickered. “Are we really going to do this around all of these simians?”


“It’s up to you if we do this at all. I’m here to talk.”


“How celestial of you.” He struck the cue ball again, clacking it into a pair of stripes, only sinking the first one. His eye twitched at the miscalculation.


“I don’t believe you revealed your name before you left us to die.”


“Correct. Zel, was it?”


“Zelphina,” she said without hesitation. “Of Lotus.”


“Oh, you’re one of Theridae’s.”


“She’s my great aunt by contract only. I’m a first generation.”


“Any kids?”


“No.” The word came out of Zelphina’s mouth with so much punctuation she drew him into an eye-contact that he’d been actively avoiding. The cue ball bounced at a wide angle as he missed his shot.


He set his stick against the table and calmly reloaded the triangular rack. “Lotesians have the reputation of a cold wrath.”


“We had a merciful side. Our Maetria didn’t outlive her species by behaving like one of them.”


He removed the rack and rolled the cue ball to her, relinquishing the opening shot. “After her highness.”


“Stop calling me that,” said Zelphina. She struck the tip of her stick against the cue, scattering the numbered spheres across the table. None made their way into the pockets.


“With your reputation, I would have expected a more impressive break than that.”


“I’m not here to win,” she explained. “I’m here to talk.”


“I can listen for a game,” he said, stepping up to the table and dropping the twelve into the side pocket.


“If you won’t reveal a name, can you tell me where you came from?”


One careful shot; the nine and the thirteen sank in sequence. “I see no reason to reveal anything about myself.” His next shot struck the fourteen, which bounced a few times in the corner but refused to obey his will.


“Then I’ll keep it simple,” said Zelphina. “A Lotesian founder came through the rift. If you have any desire for any purpose beyond mere existence, now is the opening.”


“Are you trying to rebuild your kingdom on this primitive rock?”


“I don’t care what she does. I’m only making the offer she’s asked me to make.”


He leaned against the wall, waiting for Zelphina to take her shot. “And what offer is that?”


“I just made you the offer. Join her, or don’t.”


“And the benefits and penalties?”


Zelphina smacked the cue ball with little attentiveness, sending it bouncing around the table without progressing the game. “Do you have something else to attend to?” She slid a business card out of her back pocket and set it on the edge. “She’s using ‘Molly’ as her moniker. How long do you think you can survive on your own?”


He gave her a snide glance and fired the cue ball off the table right at Zelphina’s nose. She pulled it out of the air without flinching. “Good reflexes,” he said.


“Scratch,” she muttered, wiping the ball clean before setting it back on the table. “The only people coming for you are going to be hunting you. There’s not a better offer. And there’s no commitment beyond a conversation. Do the wise thing. Make the call.” She sent the cue ball over to the pocket to retrieve the fourteen from its convenient dunking.


He read the card without touching it. “If I say no?”


“Then consider yourself warned. That human body you’re inhabiting is a victim. I hope he was a horrible person, because one thing ‘Molly’ and I share is a soft spot for innocent blood. The wrath of Lotesians only begins in the cold.”


Two careful shots later and ten and the fifteen were no longer in play. “So you garrison your own kind,” he grinned.


“I have no kind. I have purpose.”


He set aim on the damned fourteen again. “Which is?”


“This fragile world cannot protect itself from us. It is our responsibility to do so in its stead or destroy ourselves.”


At those words he began laughing so hard he accidentally hit the cue ball into the corner pocket. “That has got to be the most hilarious statement I’ve ever heard. How do you figure it is our responsibility to self destruct?”


“The ‘creature’ I travel with is Caris. This is her world. You and I stand upon it because she trusted in something greater than her, or us.”


“And what do you propose I owe her for this moment of foolishness?”


Zelphina stepped into his personal space and leaned in as close as she could without touching him. “Nothing.”


Nothing is the most uncomfortable topic for a demon. Cause and effect, action and consequence, purchase and price, all concepts the world of darkness survives upon. But nothing is not the same as darkness. Darkness is something. Nothing is the absence of everything, including darkness. And with the power to invoke an unease in the most comfortable of demonic presences, a well-timed use of the word is enough to give any cognitive demon pause for thought.


The offer of something for nothing is an alarm. Demons prone to the lure of transaction dare to dream of making a deal where they gain something for nothing, but only those who are skilled in the art of subtext are able to concoct such a deal. As such, it is unheard of to be openly offered one.


In this case, the demon with the pool cue had been prepared to hear whatever cost the one called Zelphina would suggest he owed her for the boon he did not ask for, as it would be a fair argument. But she claimed he owed nothing, after what he perceived to be an insistence of gifting. “What do you mean, ‘nothing’?”


“I should think it self explanatory,” said Zelphina.


“Then why bring it up?”


Zelphina carefully placed the cue ball where she wanted it. “Do you know what the one commonality among every demonic being is?”


“I’m sure any answer I provide will be insufficient to you.”


“It’s a desire for freedom, but a complete lack of comprehension as to what freedom feels like. We only know we crave it. We never know when we have it.”


“And your point?”
“Our existence on this world is a gift. Regardless of how we feel about it, this gift is what freedom feels like. The demons of Lotus were the only ones, to my extensive knowledge, who figured this out before they damned themselves irreparably to a new master.”


“And where is your beloved Lotus now?”


“You’re missing the point.” Zelphina tapped the business card with her pool stick. “That phone call costs you nothing. It’s in your nature to make the wrong choice. Learn to listen to the nature of someone who can make the right one.”


“I’m four balls ahead,” he smirked. “In the interest of...interest, why don’t you show me just how much you’ve been holding yourself back.”


Zelphina rubbed the tip of her stick with chalk. “I can win this game in six shots.”


“Four. You do that, I call Molly. You take your fifth shot, I walk.”


“Agreed,” said Zelphina. She did it in three.

Tuesday, June 5, 2018

The League of Super Bystanders

I don't know if you've noticed, but superhero movies have become kind of popular as of the past eighteen years. It's a comfortable formula; boy meets radiation, boy meets villain, girl gets killed, boy the message boards get ugly.

And the great thing is, you know who's good and bad without having to waste valuable explosion time on character development. Even if you haven't read the 93 issue comic book mini-series of Captain Smiling Harold, you can surmise from the happy face on his uniform that he's the guy you're going to be rooting for. Likewise, when a shuttle with the words 'Muah Ha Ha' spray painted on the side lands on Planet Unarmed'nDesolate and Darth Clobber steps out, you'd have to be a first time movie goer to think that he might be there to open up an orphanage.

It seems in the world of the Supers, you have to be a hero or a villain. Even if you're affably evil or a type 22 anti-hero, you're still relegated into one category or the other. Well that got me thinking, as many unfortunate things do. What is the grey area? Obviously its where the lowly unpowered peons like ourselves reside. But what of the Supers who just don't have any ambition to make the world better, or to conquer anything? Well, I've gotten it in my head that this is interesting, so I'd like to submit a proverbial League of Super Bystanders for fair use in any cape and cowl setting. I've chosen eight characters, who may or may not be useful in various situations but are always available for some controlled action.


1. Captain Slacker: Power -Innovation

His costume is a plain leotard/tights set that he never bothered to decorate with anything, and the first cape he could find which probably doesn't color coordinate with the rest of the outfit. He's often mistakenly referred to as Whatever Man, as this is his most common response to instruction, but his name is Captain Slacker, even if he can't be bothered to correct you.

He's more likely to be hired by the villains, as superheroes tend to accurately convey the nature of the task with which they need the outside help; and while C.S. is usually between jobs, if it sounds hard he'll probably pass. But villains have a knack for making things sound good. A cushy job loading up boxcars with uranium? Sure.

If you can keep from strangling him, you'll find he's actually quite beneficial. As the adage goes: give the job to a lazy man, he'll find an easier way to do it. If you've got an ongoing operation, and you're fairly certain Batman has bombs to defuse elsewhere, go ahead and bring C.S. on board. You'll be surprised at how efficient things become in favor of him sitting around more. Just don't expect him to tolerate the typical Super Villain flair. Shooting the hero in the face is so much easier than that sophisticated conveyor belt of doom you've been dying to use.


2. The Cheer Follower: Power -agility

So you have a complicated plan that requires split-second timing, coordination, and most of all an extra pair of hands. Perhaps you need a loud distraction. Or maybe you'd just like to feel that somebody is fully behind you. Call on the Cheer Follower.

As you'd expect, Cheerie is a standard tennis shoes/skirt/pigtails/enthusiasm combination. She's game for just about anything. Break in, break out, heist, rescue. She can jump, climb, flip, catch, tumble, and she's got stamina to spare. Just don't bring her along on a stealth mission.

The downside is, she's not the Cheer Leader, she's the Cheer Follower. When plans go awry, as they're wont to do, Cheerie's not likely to improvise. She's not going to mess up with what you've told her to do, but if someone else on your team ruins the flow, in her eyes the routine is over. Oh, and you can't really expect her to keep going once someone gets hurt. She's a daredevil, and she'll put herself in all kinds of danger for you. But as soon as you punch that thug out? Nope. It's not a game anymore. No one is supposed to get hurt in these things, not even an evil megalomaniac.


3. Empath Abbey: Power -infiltration

Like her castle counterpart from the Ultima series, Abbey has a particular affinity for the medieval style. As such, she's likely to be found in a renaissance dress, not particularly practical to fight or escape in, but she's not that kind of Bystander.

Abbey is a unique case on this list, in the sense that nobody hires her for their own purposes. In fact, nobody necessarily hires her so much as...kind of accidentally gets her to help from the opposite side. See, Abbey is the antithesis of a master manipulator. She picks up on ulterior motives the way most people overhear the fire alarm going off in the hall. She's already figured out what you really want before you can ask for her help, and she doesn't respond well people who have an agenda.

So your best bet is, don't have one. If a guy is threatening to blow up the city, be honest with her. "Some guy is threatening to blow up the city and I don't know what to do about it." "I sense this is something that frightens you." "Yes, I'm terrified." Once you've gotten through the part where doing nothing about it would provoke entirely too much guilt, chances are you'll have her on board on her own terms. And she'll find the bomber before you do and get inside his head while you're fidgeting with the locks. "I hear what you're saying," she'll tell him, "and I understand the emotions where this violence is coming from. Is it possible that what you really want is..." And it's not a very exciting conclusion, but it's an effective one. And naturally, there's never any need to thank her.


4. Hobby Horse: Power -occupation

The movies only show you the exciting stuff, but in any surveillance or crime there's a whole lot of waiting around. Super Heroes get bored and hired thugs get tense. There's a market for a neutral third party to come in and just kill some time.

Hobby Horse is the newest member in the long list of comic book characters who fixate on a particular animal. But unlike the aggressive animals such as the wolverine, the black panther, and the...um...penguin, a horse's life involves a lot of standing around and eating grass. A lot of free time. So Hobbs attached to the idea that horses need something to do, and thus Hobby Horse was born.

In appearance, Hobbs looks like a guy in overalls with a horse head (originally made from Paper Mache but recently graduated to more authentic looking mask-work). He didn't get into the Bystander business on purpose but he has a natural talent for keeping people entertained, as he always carries around a deck of cards and a couple of easy craft kits. There have been many a night where vigilantes have raided a weapons warehouse and found Hobbs in the corner, casually putting away a half-assembled jigsaw puzzle.


5. Negative Nancy: Power -detail

A few things to keep in mind with Nancy. First off, despite your initial judgment, it is in fact beneficial to have her on your team. Second, her negativity isn't for it's own sake like that of the Grouch Master (future blog forthcoming, maybe). Nancy simply has a sixth sense for finding flaws, and revealing them is the only way she knows how to connect with the world.

You: "All right, this is our chance to apprehend the Wild Wombat. I want Sly Devil on the roof, Mooseman covering the exit, and the Pummeler ready to bring the Navy Van around the front once the shockwave starts humming. Ready to do this?" Nancy: "What are you going to do about the parking meter?" Yeah, it's annoying and it kind of kills the momentum, but a little teeth grinding is a fair trade if it keeps the team vehicle from being towed.

Nancy doesn't have a costume, because she thinks the whole thing is dumb, and she'll let you know. But on all things practical, she's worth listening to. Just know that if you have thin skin, it's not a bad idea to keep Cheerie on retainer or to have Empathic Abbey on speed dial.


6. The Pen Pal: Power -reconnaissance

Let's start with the bad. Pen is a bit of a kleptomaniac. Not in a major way, mind you. Just when it comes to pens and notepads. He doesn't even seem to realize he's doing it, and most hotels and banks tend to shrug his activities off. But Pen has a permanent ban on him from most school supply stores, something to bear in mind.

Also, most people find maintaining an alliance with him to be more trouble than it's worth. Pen has a fascination with the mundane details of everyone's life, including yours and his. And he wants to keep a record of said events. The masked goons that held up the fast food restaurant? Yeah, sure, that happened. But the fact that the restaurant was out of napkins and the manager had to ask the cashier to go to the back and open a new box? At least two paragraphs.

The upside is, if you ever need a pen, you know he's carrying several dozen in more coat pockets than he realizes his long coat has; and he's not selfish when it comes to sharing them. He also loves to travel, and has a knack for doing it on a dime. So let's say you have an assignment next month in Romania. You've never been to Romania, but the Pen Pal is ready to hop on a boat or plane or balloon at the slightest provocation and go take in the local flavor for you. You're not going to get pertinent information like base layout or how many guards there are, but you'll hear all about the weather and the power outage on Tuesday. Not bad information to have if you're going undercover as a local.


7. The Redundant: Power -skill mimicry

I don't know that anyone has ever intentionally hired Old Red for any reason. He just seems to show up, typically with the right outfit for the job that you've already hired somebody else for. Need a second getaway driver? No, of course you don't, because if something happens to the first one, it's probably going to derail the whole mission right there. But just in case, you've got a backup. Called in a hacker specialist for this one gig? Old Red can also do that, at least for now. The next gig, he seems to have forgotten the codes, which is why you didn't go with him in the first place.

Still, he's not bad to have on hand. Every assignment either succeeds or fails. For the failures, nobody gets paid. For the successes, you can always scrounge together enough green to give him a cut, whether or not he did anything. And you may find that you have a second copy of the document that you need to destroy. It probably not useful, but creative types can pull victories out of odd places.

For example, nobody needs to be executed twice, but imagine you're going up against the Nigh Invulnerable (Ni, to his friends). Your hired gun empties the chambers into Ni's chest, which do nothing to him. He laughs dramatically and opens the front of his shirt to reveal his secret; a lead lined frying pan he'd shielded his vitals with, which he proudly tosses to the side as your hired gun is clearly out of bullets. Then the Redundant steps in, characteristically about a minute behind, and repeats the execution. You get the idea. He's probably useless, but it's no real skin off your nose having him, and those rare moments of helpfulness more than make up for all the times that he's just in the way.


8. Wander Woman: Power -super stuff

Like her DC counterpart, Wandie has the Amazonian skill set at her disposal, and all things being equal she could probably hold down her own Netflix series. The problem is her unreliability. She means well. And if you call on her services, she's more than happy to tell you she's on her way. But her time management skills are not good, nor is her ability to prioritize or sense urgency.

She has a pretty solid track record in helping people, and those who've been on the receiving end of it speak highly of her. But they're all people she simply happened upon while needed a sofa moved or a cow rescued or a wall knocked down. Anyone who needs her NOW gives her less than stellar Yelp reviews.

But it's not all that hard to maximize Wandie's output for when she shows up as long as you're willing to be a little flexible. First, plan ahead. You need a train moved sideways. Call her up and tell her about when you need her. "Sometime next week" is a good range to work within. Now tell everybody who works the train yard, including the overnight workers, exactly what you need done. Maybe have a couple of side tasks on hand in the event that she doesn't immediately meander away. In fact, it's not a bad idea to keep a list of heavy lifting assignments on the back burner, as sometimes she'll show up unannounced just to see if you need a hand with anything. "Sure, while you're here, one of my senior executives has been embezzling the offshore accounts. Do you mind running him to the precinct?" Yeah, you probably should have done it yourself, but we all get busy. When she's there, she's a blessing. Just don't expect any rhyme or reason behind her arrival.

Saturday, May 19, 2018

Updates: The Uncooperative Muses and the Librarian Medley

Lately I've been feeling like a rechargeable battery that's been recharged a few too many times, topping off at about twenty percent. I'm not really sure why. It just seems like the past three months have been a real struggle to do anything creatively (It's been about a month since my last blog post, and that was a posting of an old file).

It's a particular point of frustration for me, because ever since childhood I've had the idea stuck in my head that 'creative' is an adjective with which I can identify. But the past three months? My brain has been stuck in the mud. I've doubled up on my Prozac recently, and it's possible that in managing my depression I might be taking a hit in theta waves, which is a fairly uncomfortable prospect. I find myself staring at the half-completed Disney fan fiction, the untouched Carousel draft, and the choose-your-own-adventure I'm creating for our Sci-fi festival in July, and I'm just...struggling.

I hate feeling like this. And unfortunately, that's where the update leaves off. I don't know what kind of readership I have out there, but if any of you have ideas on how to legally jump start your imagination, I'm all ears.

But as I'm determined to keep my blog going in the meantime, here's something that I'm quite sure nobody is going to care about. At the library where I work, I'm in charge of creating the shelf reading list as well as encouraging my co-workers to do their sections. What is shelf reading, you tried to deny wondering? It's when librarians comb through their shelves to find books that are out of place. It's exactly as exciting as it sounds.

So a while back, instead of sending out a routine e-mail that says "Hey guys, the damn shelf reading list is up," I thought it might be significantly more fun to deliver the bad news through song lyrics. And so, here's a collection of eight suspiciously similar ways with which I've allegedly entertained the people in my department. I'll put the list of melodies at the bottom, just in case they aren't obvious( I'm proud of the fact that they've gotten progressively more elaborate).

10/16

When the bookstops squeak and the endcaps break
Spines crammed in like a salmon cake
Westerns horizontal-wise
Hidden back behind the 'I's
Prim fiction staff come out to organize

12/16

Fiction shelves! Busy elves!
State of disarray!
Covers bound, and the missing found,
When the reading's gone astray!

Fix our shelves! By ourselves!
Order from decay!
Patrons know there's a spotless row
When they cross the entranceway!

03/17

My wild wryish rows
Defeated highs and lows
You may search through the stacks
But none can relax
When the mystery shelves decompose

This guy wants his prose
Where is it? No one knows
For the new Ann B. Ross
Is marked as a loss
Or it's mixed in with Jodi Picoults

07/17

My section's misery
Seeped in catastrophe
Of thee I read

Cutters misclassified
Blu-⁠rays that try to hide
Large print is twice as wide
We'll intercede

10/17

Dun dada DUN *snap snap*
Dun dada DUN *snap snap*
Dun dada DUN Dun dada DUN Dun dada DUN *snap snap*

The shelves are looking sloppy
The paperbacks are floppy
We've lost another copy
It's mad catastrophe

The paging list's cosmetic
Requires an aesthetic
Arranged in alphabetic
Not mad catastrophe

Dun dada DUN *snap snap* (sleek)
Dun dada DUN *snap snap* (chic)
Dun dada DUN Dun dada DUN Dun dada DUN *snap snap* (mystique)

So grab some vim to wrangle
Or book stops you can jangle
We're gonna disentangle
This mad ca-⁠ta-⁠stro-⁠phe!

02/18

Fair receiver
Gritting like a pressure gauge
Ninety-⁠seven books to page
And there's stacks on the counter
And a New YA in the romance display
From days of mixed returns

Now you wander
Dreading what you have to do
Several spines are labeled blue
But they're shelved in the Westerns
'Cause the patrons try to assist and comply
But give us mixed returns

Sing it with me now

Sha la la la la la
Via trials
We're gonna comb the aisles
Until we've nixed concerns (whoa-⁠oo-⁠oh)

Sha la la la la la
Yesterday
A missing Playaway
Was found betwixt returns
Mixed returns
We want our fixed returns

03/18

O sad employ
The spines, the spines are quarreling
From bin to bin
And down each fiction aisle

The stacks are mauled
And all the patrons snarling
It's you, it's you
Must hope to reconcile

But not alone
You only have a section
And several weeks
To pace out your chagrin

And when it's clear
You'll marvel our collection
And you can rest at ease
Until it's trashed again

05/18

Summer reading grabbed me a stash.
Summer reading here in a flash.
I read a book. Left me beguiled.
I took a row, all Lincoln Child.
Summer reads, everyone needs
Leading up to their summer flights.

Uh well-⁠a well-⁠a well-⁠a huh
It's the chore that we bore
Keeping sections in line
Can't ignore Lorrie Moore
Has a mislabeled spine

Need the printer, forgotten my PIN.
Castle Panic is stuffed in a bin.
PS4s, they never stand.
The Rooster Bar was buried in sand.
Summer blitz cleaned out our kits
It's a world full of summer slights.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Now we store in a drawer
'cause the audios sag
Or they pour on the floor.
Have you found Fannie Flagg?

Every rental checks in en masse.
Monumental piles to surpass.
Fiction staff, our saving grace,
Sets them all back in their place.
Summer guests, gained their requests
Never know our summer plights.


Grim Grinning Ghosts
Jingle Bells
My Wild Irish Rose
My Country 'Tis of Thee
The Addams Family Theme Song
Kiss the Girl (The Little Mermaid)
O Danny Boy
Summer Nights (Grease)



Tuesday, April 24, 2018

The Heavenly Court (script excerpt)

Going through some of my old Google documents, and I came across this little limestone. I'd started writing a comedy script called Power Struggle. The characters were God, Time, Karma, Nature, etc. This would have been the opening scene.

Interior – Heaven. A courtroom on a cloud.

Several unimportant heavenly characters filter in to witness the first trial held in the afterlife. TIME enters and takes her place at the defense attorney’s bench. HOPE meanders in awkwardly as the bailiff.
HOPE (approaching Time)
Empress?
TIME
(politely) Please don’t call me that. Ever.
HOPE
Sorry. Um…majesty? (TIME doesn’t react) My lady? (she shakes her head) Mistress?
TIME
You must be Hope.
HOPE
Does it show?
TIME
We’ve met before. A long time ago.
HOPE
I have a bad memory.
TIME
Well, that’s why you’re hope.  Call me Dora.
HOPE
Is that your name?
TIME
As far as you know. Yes.
HOPE ponders this as KARMA marches to his desk as the prosecution.
HOPE
But you are the Empress of Time?
TIME
You’re stuck on the word ‘empress’. No, I’m not. I’m the incarnation of time itself. Just like you’re hope and tippy over there is Karma.
HOPE
Yes, but isn’t it more impressive to introduce yourself as Time than by a name?
TIME
Sweetie, nobody up here is capable of being impressed. And in my vast experience, time is treated as the enemy.
HOPE
So you think you might be less disliked with a name?
TIME
One can hope.
HOPE
So what do I do for this thing?
TIME
You’re the bailiff.
HOPE
I know. It’s not like anybody’s going to get out of line.
TIME
Just look pretty and be yourself.
HOPE
But I don’t know what my purpose is.
TIME (to herself)
Nor do I.
HOPE
Do you know what time it is? (TIME gives him a defiant stare) Sorry.
GOD enters dressed in a mock judges robe.
GOD
All rise. The honorable me presiding.
HOPE (quietly to GOD)
Sorry.
GOD
I forgive you. Everybody sit down who wants to. And hey! Let’s give a big round of applause to our resident purgatory ambassador for setting up the first court system in paradise. Thank you Karma for the contamination. Thoughtful.
KARMA
You can berate me all you want…
GOD
May I? Cheerfully accepted.
KARMA
But the fact remains that this court system is legitimate.
GOD
Only in as much as it succeeds.
KARMA
And as long as it does, it deserves to be taken seriously.
GOD
You mean you deserve to be taken seriously. Well let’s see what’s so important to you. (GOD looks at HOPE)
HOPE
Me?
TIME (covering for HOPE)
We have two cases.
HOPE
There’s two cases pending your almightiness.
GOD
Two whole cases. Any chance we can do them at the same time?
HOPE
Are you being sarcastic?
GOD
Usually.
TIME
There’s a class action suit against heaven from the Mormons.
GOD
And they used to love us.
KARMA
Too much.
TIME
It’s actually not so much of a suit as it is a complaint.
GOD
Well what could be more pleasing to the Alpha and Omega than a customer service issue?
TIME
It’s not even a formal complaint. They’re just whining a lot.
KARMA (to TIME, obviously)
Would you just give him the damn folder!
GOD
I know what this is about and the answer is the same now as it always has been. They have to wait in line like everyone else.
KARMA
My clients feel their faith is being insulted.
TIME
Are your clients aware that as soon as they get through the gate, faith is no longer a possibility?
KARMA
But they’re not through the gate.
GOD
So in formulaic terms this case is founded on a premise with an intention to eliminate the premise?
TIME
Your honor, may I?
GOD
We have all the time in the cosmos.
TIME
Faith is being used as a legal rubric, but faith is an ambiguity. If you introduce an ambiguity into any equation, that equation dissolves.
GOD
So we rule the case inadmissible on account of ambiguity.
KARMA
I suppose if you believe the ambiguity is dismissible.
TIME
Oh cute Karma. You’ve managed to put faith on trial.
KARMA
I didn’t plan that out if that’s your insinuation.
TIME
I knew we shouldn’t have agreed to this.
GOD
Calm down Dora. We’re smart entities. Counsel approach the bench.
KARMA (coming forward)
Afraid to have this conversation publicly?
TIME (joining him)
He’s keeping you from looking like a dumbass.
GOD
Guys. Deep breath. Think of puppies. (to KARMA) Now, how do you want this to turn out?
KARMA
I’m not really concerned.
GOD
Then how about we give up on this one.
KARMA
And why would that help you exactly?
GOD
What do you mean?
KARMA
Oh, I thought you knew everything. I mean what do you stand to lose by addressing this case?
TIME
Because faith is a concept. Its power lies in the beholder’s perception.
KARMA
So it’s an illusion.
TIME
It’s a concept. Physicality is an illusion. If you’re asking Heaven’s court to make a concrete statement about an abstraction the abstraction becomes powerless.
GOD
So introducing a constant into an ambiguity turns that ambiguity into an equation?
TIME
I’m trying to help.
GOD
I know. And you have. (to court) Let all complaints be handled by the main gate. (bangs gavel)
KARMA
So you’re dismissing the case?
GOD
No, I’m ruling that anyone who reaches the front of the line has the option of standing outside of paradise and complaining until second Armageddon if that’s truly what they feel needed.
KARMA
Wonderful. So now there's a little matter of a counter suit.
TIME
A counter suit from whom?
KARMA
From the court.
GOD
This court?
KARMA
No. The four square court. Counter suing for time wasted.
TIME
Objection.
GOD
Sustained.
KARMA
On what grounds?
GOD
To make you mad.
KARMA
Are there legal grounds for sustaining the objection?
TIME
Aside from you suing your own client?
KARMA
Is Heaven really going to limit itself by semantics?
GOD
All right, I’ll humor you. What is it you feel will shut you up?
KARMA
I think they should go to the back of the line.
TIME
For complaining?
KARMA
In paradise.
GOD
So that’s what this whole court system is about. You. Fair enough. This case is being held over until the defense is available to testify on their behalf.
HOPE
Won’t they already be through the line then?
GOD
I suppose so. (bangs gavel)
TIME (to KARMA)
Dumbass.
GOD
Well, that was Psalm worthy. Moving on to item two.
TIME
It’s another class action suit. People versus the Holy Ghost.
GOD
Well they wouldn't be people unless they were versus something.
KARMA
People feel that the Holy Ghost’s freedom to observe anyone at any moment is an invasion of privacy.
GOD
Isn't spot checking the Ghost's job?
KARMA
The people demand that the Ghost’s activities be limited to churches and temples.
GOD
Sure because nobody does anything wrong there. How about we go with the same verdict. Held over until the accused gets here.
TIME
My client is here your honor.
GOD
I don’t see your client.
TIME
That’s because my client is invisible. You know that.
GOD
Yes, all you had to do was keep your mouth shut and we could be out of here.
TIME
Sorry.
GOD
Fine. Holy Ghost, you’ve been charged with…existing. How do you plead?
TIME (after a moment)
My client pleads no contest.
GOD
So you’re the only one who can hear your client.
TIME
Actually, I was just guessing.
GOD
Okay, we’ve got a plea of no contest. No contest, no debate. No debate, no examination. No results. No evidence. No bargain. No show. Novena. No deposit. No return. Case dismissed on grounds of inanity.
KARMA
Hang on. The case is People, all inclusively, versus Heaven's imaginary friend. If you’re not listening to this what are you listening to?
GOD
Listening or responding? Have it your way. Make it an eighteen dollar fine.
TIME
My client probably wants to know what for.
GOD
Failure to appear in court. Happy? (bangs gavel) Who's up for sloping?
The entire courtroom goes dark.
GOD
What is this, the end of the world again?