Sunday, September 21, 2014

Beaker's Dozen: Ranking the Muppet Movies (12-7)

I don't know what it is about the Muppets, but somehow they tap into something deeply human (for better or worse). Between the perpetual promise of being able to accomplish anything as long as we all work together, and the looming threat of being blown up or eaten at any moment just to entertain the audience who manage to react to things backstage, the Muppets just seem to stand right on that sweet spot between innocent reassurance and nightmarish absurdity. I sometimes wonder if Wizards of the Coast ever considered designing a campaign world on Koozebane, teetering dangerously over the Cliffs of Terry Gilliam.

I thought it might make for a fun blog to list the Muppet catalog in order of what I think the least best to most best movies are. After all, I don't believe the Muppets and close relatives have ever had a bad movie (despite what my characteristically back-biting criticism might otherwise suggest), but they have had a few mediocre entries. In fact, let's look at one right now.


12. The Muppets' Wizard of Oz (2005):


The first problem with this movie should be immediately apparent: The Wizard of Oz never needed to be retold with Muppets. There's a huge difference between the Muppets putting on their version of Robin Hood on an episode of The Muppet Show and devoting a whole hour and a half slot to retell a familiar story. On top of that, unlike A Christmas Carol, there is a definitive version of Oz which casts a shadow over everything else Oz related, meaning you really have to push the boat out to get anyone to see you as more than a Judy Garland knockoff. The Muppets don't pull it off.

Ashanti is less engaging as Dorothy than Diana Ross was, to say nothing of her ability to play off the Muppets. Incidentally Hilary Duff was a finalist for that role and she was born to play opposite Kermit. As for the Muppets themselves, they really seem forced into their roles (Fozzie the Lion?) all supporting the reality that this simply wasn't the story to Muppetize.

Probably the biggest issue I have with this movie is how little of an impression it left on me. There were a few good jokes scattered around, and like I say, the movie isn't bad but it's not good either. The Muppets deserve better. It's also a sad waste of David Alan Grier.


11. Muppets From Space (1999):


Which is worse, a movie that leaves a bad impression or one that leaves no impression? While I'm unwilling to commit entirely to my answer I'm going to give credit to the bad impression for allegedly taking some kind of a risk even if it doesn't pay off.

First off, let me stick my neck out and suggest that the first two thirds of this movie is actually pretty entertaining, even if it's still not on par with the rest of the Muppet library. I love Gonzo, and being the misfit in a world of misfits his character has always demonstrated a poignant hyperactive sadness that I'll always admire him for. The 1990's was the decade of Gonzo. After the deaths of Jim Henson and Richard Hunt, as well as Frank Oz's determined exit from the troupe, Dave Goelz's alter ego was the perfect choice to assume the keystone position in the Muppets.

But in addition to the third act slowing down way too much in pace, the movie makes a fatal mistake. Gonzo is a weirdo, plain and simple; a whatever, an ambiguity, a metaphor for that part of us all that doesn't and will never fit in. He's not an alien with his people being 'out there'. As nice as it is to see Gonzo take center stage, the revelation of his identity is (dare I say) controversial.

There was an earlier draft of the script where the aliens mistook Gonzo as being one of them, which I imagine would have resulted in a heartfelt acceptance that it's okay to be different as long as you realize that when people care about you those feelings really matter. Why in the hell didn't they go with that ending?

And, oh yeah, couldn't they bother to give us a few original songs?


10. The Muppets Take Manhattan (1984):


I don't think anyone is going to debate me on those first two selections, but I expect from here on out I might be ruffling a few feathers. I don't really know what's going on here. Are the Muppets making a movie about this story? Is this an alternate timeline where they went to college together? Did Kermit and Piggy get married after the audience vanished?

Well let's forget about meta-context and focus on the movie as a stand alone (and forget that this territory was already covered brilliantly in The Muppet Movie). First off, Jim Henson's acting is on a whole new level in this movie. Rizzo and his rat posse have a pretty innovative kitchen sequence (needless, but innovative). There's also some really dramatic moments when the indifference of reality seeps into the Muppets' world. And I can't think of a greater emotional sucker punch in Muppet history than seeing Kermit get hit by a taxi.

On the downside, the Muppets spend way too much of the movie apart from each other. Sure, they each get their mini-adventure (about 45 seconds worth) but did we really have to make room in the running time for that damnable Muppet Babies song? For the record, I don't care how well the cartoon drills in the lesson of using one's imagination, I will NEVER respect the concept of Muppet Babies.

But the bottom line, even as a kid I didn't understand what I was supposed to be feeling at the end of the movie. I know for the sake of comedy you make allowances for questionable traits like Miss Piggy's violent streak and the fact that she resorts to stalking in this movie, but when it came to the fake/real/wtf wedding ceremony I didn't get that Kermit was receiving a happy ending. He seemed more like he was being pressured into the marriage. Just, not my favorite.


9. Sesame Street Presents Follow That Bird (1985):


If you're wondering where Elmo in Grouchland is, one: I haven't seen it, two: I'm not GOING to see it, three: my wife has and she doesn't object to me leaving it off the list.

With that out of the way, not only does this movie have a charm to it, but it also serves as a bit of a time capsule in Sesame Street history with all of the human veterans and Muppeteers appearing, save for the late Will Lee (aka Mr. Hooper) and 'David' actor Northern Calloway, who's absence from the film is unexplained.

So any flaws to gripe about? No not really. The movie is sweet, funny and entertaining, the songs are all memorable, and even Cookie Monster's destructiveness seems to be fixable. So why isn't this higher on the list then? Target audience I guess. This is a kid's movie, whereas the Muppets always aim for family audiences. Being able to appeal to multiple generations of viewers is an impressive feat, and certainly one worthy of a higher standard. But Follow That Bird is what it unapologetically is, and it deserves an inclusion to the ladybug picnic.


8. The Muppets Christmas Carol (1992):


Jim Henson died in 1990 (on my last day of high school) throwing the future of the Muppets into question. The decision to continue on without the Muppet godfather had to be an uncomfortable one. Also with the passing of Richard Hunt, there were a few key Muppets (Rowlf, Scooter, Janice) who became understandably silent for quite a while, while Waldorf and Statler proved that even the deaths of their Muppeteers wouldn't keep them quiet. But nowhere was the loss of loved ones more felt than in Steve Whitmire's Kermit.

The frog didn't have the luxury of silence, and even though Whitmire proved his talent and versatility as Wembley on Fraggle Rock, there was no way he couldn't have felt the eyes of the world on every mannerism and syllable. So it made sense to have Kermit's first post-Henson outing be as a frog actor playing a supporting character in a familiar story.

So unlike Wizard of Oz, A Christmas Carol was a good idea. But the movie also had a self-consciousness to it. A lot of the jokes feel like they're trying to work, and nearly succeed, but the ordinarily larger-than-life personalities of the Muppets are clearly using the Dickens plot not only as a vessel but as a bit of an awkward shield.

That is, except for Gonzo and Rizzo. David Goelz really stepped up to the plate when he was needed, and Steve Whitmire is using Rizzo to find his courage for this movie. I don't think those two characters would ever have been paired together if it weren't out of necessity, but the chemistry proved golden.

Ultimately it falls to Michael Caine to carry the film. In the past, I've been more critical of his performance than I should have been. Caine is a gifted actor, but I never got the sense that his internal barometer was in tune with the Muppets the way John Cleese's or Carol Burnette's were. According to imdb, Scrooge opposite the Muppets was Caine's most treasured role, so he may have been intentionally playing the character as straight as possible amidst Muppet mayhem. To me it still feels like he's in a different movie than the rest of the characters. Probably there was no way for this movie to not be uncomfortable, all things considered.


7. The Dark Crystal/Labyrinth (1982/1986):


It's a cheat putting these movies together, but taken separately neither one would have shown up on the list at all. Both movies have strengths and weaknesses, but they also both take some serious risks which gives their collective placement at number seven justification.

Starting with The Dark Crystal, you can tell this was Jim's pet project and he really believes in the film. The creature design really is wonderful, and one can't deny the impact Brian Froud had on Jim Henson's Creature Shop. The big problem here is, while the concepts of The Dark Crystal are interesting, the characters are not. Even as a child, I found myself rooting for the Skeksis Chamberlain over anyone else, simply because he showed the most personality in the movie. Henson wanted to create a horrific world for children, and to a point he did (that coral reef inspired woodland scene still creeps me out) but he never succeeded at engaging me with his world. The Dark Crystal was a beautifully constructed museum of the unusual where every exhibit was inaccessible. I can respect it, but I don't care about it. Hell, earlier when I mentioned sliding down the Cliffs of Terry Gilliam, I think that happened here.

So instead let's turn to Terry Jones, who had some early influence on Labyrinth even if my online information suggests things went a different direction. Labyrinth is accessible to me. It's open and inviting, there's a soundtrack, some humor. I also have a clear view of the things that don't work about the movie. Hoggle works. Ludo works. Sir Didymus does not (what is the point of his character?). The door knockers and the Helping Hands are cool. The Fireys just feel too Muppet Showy to ever seem threatening. The labyrinth itself is awesome except for the Bog of Eternal Stench which Jim should have been ashamed of. The masquerade scene was flawless. The story was great. The dialogue needed some help. I wouldn't be opposed to seeing this movie remade.

A lot of people love the movie and love Jennifer Connelly. I love the movie and do not love Jennifer Connelly. She's simply not convincing in this role, In fact, she comes dangerously close to pre-empting Kristen Stewart. I don't think she says a single line with any conviction. Connelly has had better performances since then, but in Labyrinth she's the weakest link. David Bowie on the other hand is great in his role. Maybe a little too great. The climax is where the problem with his casting shows the most. Yeah, Connelly isn't giving him anything to work off of; she says her line "You have no power over me" as if she got a first round trivia question correct. She needed to BE the stronger character and she wasn't. But failing that, Bowie needed to demonstrate that his character was capable of being weaker than her, which he doesn't. When she rejected him he needed to have a childish tantrum about it, instead of the "Ah well, I guess I'll go do that video shoot with Mick Jagger" shrugging off of the whole ordeal.

So The Dark Crystal succeeds and never makes me love it. Labyrinth fails and I love it dearly. That's why these two movies are placed together at the number seven spot.

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