Bantam vs. Manpurse: a DC Film Retrospective

Last Saturday my wife and I went to Baton Rouge to celebrate my father's sixty somethingth birthday. And what better way to commemorate such a generalized milestone than by catching the latest superhero flick? Surely something must have come out.


How long have we been talking about a Justice League movie, like with any real hope of seeing one? Marvel got ambitious with its shared universe project, and amazingly enough didn't crash and burn with it. That whole thing kicked off seven years ago. I've heard some murmuring in my circles about the egregious similarities among every Marvel film (mostly from DC enthusiasts), and while I'm not audacious enough to say that this isn't the case, I feel the need to point out that I usually walk away from a Marvel movie in a good mood.


DC? *sigh*


Okay, let me back up a little bit. A buddy of mine explained (probably through stealing someone else's words) the difference between DC and Marvel. Marvel is made up of ordinary people who fall into power(s), whereas DC is comprised of Gods who are trying to live amongst mortals. As such, Marvel has a fundamental advantage in relating to the average movie goer. We see ourselves in Tony Stark and Peter Parker. Superman and Wonder Woman are meant to be unattainable. Even human Bruce Wayne is so obsessed with pushing himself beyond his boundaries that he becomes unrealistically superhuman.


Thus, it becomes the challenge of the filmmakers to tell a DC story that's engaging while distant. So how have they done in the past? Only going as far back as Richard Donner, because his 1978 classic coincides with the birth of the modern cinema, there have been six Superman and seven Batman movies (no, I'm not dealing with animation right now, and 1984's Supergirl doesn't exist). Which hero does it better? Which one falls on his cape with the most frequency? Well, let's have a look in a creatively semi-chronological order. I'm going to pit them against each other in alternating films, translating each one into a melee attack, leading into the gladiator battle proper. Here then is Batman 5 Superman.

Batman (1989)

In keeping with Supes's tradition, he's going to let Batman have the first strike. As such, here's the damned Tim Burton flick that people still will not shut up about. The pros: Gotham looks gothic in a way that has affected the world of the Dark Knight ever since. And Danny Elfman's score is as engrained in Batman lore as the Unbirthday song is to Alice in Wonderland. The cons: Tim Burton does not understand the timing of action sequences, and there is no indication that he's ever going to learn. And I know a lot of people are going to violently disagree with me, but the casting was not good. Jack Nicholson wasn't playing the Joker, he was just playing his usual shtick, in makeup. And Michael Keaton is remembered incorrectly as the definitive Batman. I'm sure he looks better when you compare him to his successors, but he's really just bland with Beetlejuice flashes. He would have been better as the joker.

Result: Batman introduces himself as Batman by throwing a massive Bat-punch to the jaw. Supes barely feels it.

Superman (1978)

The visual effects of this film may read as VERY green screen today, but at the time you totally bought into them. Lex Luthor and whatever bullshit scheme the dart landed on was superfluous, this movie was about spending time with Superman. Christopher Reeve nailed it. You didn't want to be Superman, you wanted to meet him. And did you ever notice there was a sub-archetype weaving through our nerd fiction at this time? Namely the feisty leading lady with teeth? You saw it in Princess Leia and Marion Ravenwood, as well as in Margot Kidder's Lois Lane. She definitely left a mark on the role. So while the film was kind of...not action-y, it was a charming way to spend a few hours with everyone's ideal guidance counselor.

Result: Supes counters Batman's strike by standing there, unmoving. As if to say "Ha ha. I have superpowers and you don't. Nyahhhh".

Batman Returns (1992)

How much of a threat can the Penguin be? He can barely walk. This is more of the same, but perhaps with a little less dignity. Keaton is beginning to look undeniably silly in the costume, and Danny DeVito is performing on the level of a really good Halloween Horror Nights scare actor. But quaintly enough, the Michelle Pfeiffer/Christopher Walken subplot comes across as strangely engaging. You almost hope for a Batman movie without Batman in it. It's not to say Pfeiffer is really playing Catwoman (because, you know, Tim Burton has never read a comic book), but her character arc is interesting. Ultimately this is kind of a boring movie with a bright spot in Pfeiffer's performance. One note, wasn't Max Shreck doing something with the city's power grid until about the third scene?

Result: Batman sucker punches Superman with a really lame gut attack, except that it has a dose of Bat-jalapeno juice on his fist. Supes feels a sting which bruises his dignity (yep, the guy in blue spandex has dignity to bruise).

Superman II (1980)

If you need a convenient counter argument to the 'the sequel is never as good as the original' mantra, try this Richard-Lester-pretending-to-be-Richard-Donner-directed follow up. The element to the character of Superman that makes him interesting is his inability to fit in with the world. He could just take over, but he'd rather experience life through a human's eyes as best as he can. This ain't gonna happen (Really, spellcheck? None of those words came up?), but we appreciate his efforts. And it's nice that there is in fact, one thing Supes can't do. This movie is all about why Superman needs to be who he is. It may not have the quota of action scenes, but it makes up for it in pacing. Just like Freddy vs. Jason the story is laid out to build the necessary tension for the inevitable confrontation. Terrence Stamp is bizarrely phenomenal as General Zod; I don't really know what his approach to the role was, but damned if he doesn't sell it. The third act battle may be a bit silly in places, but it works.

Result: Superman uses his breath power to push Batman through a supporting wall of a skyscraper. Fortunately, it's only inhabited by mean people who were all about to die of collagen poisoning anyway. Batman has to remind himself that he's Batman as he regains his feet.

Batman Forever (1995)

Joel Schumacher is at the helm now, trying to blend the Burton foundation with the Adam West era of color. The result is the cinematic equivalent of Floam, kind of amusing to play with but not particularly rich in substance. I wanted to like this movie, and at times I did, but I really just couldn't stop thinking of it as the actors cosplaying as their characters. Val Kilmer still looks like Val Kilmer in the cowl, and he certainly didn't appear old enough to be mentoring Chris O'Donnell. Tommy Lee Jones misses an entire fifty percent of who the character of Two-Face is. Nicole Kidman is there doing...something. And Drew Barrymore accidentally walked into the shot a few times. And then there's Jim Carrey. The man refuses to be a team player. The first time I saw the trailer for Ace Ventura I knew the future of comedy was in trouble (thanks for lowering the bar enough so Adam Sandler could have a career, jerk). His Riddler is an afterthought. This is a Jim Carrey vehicle. There's even a moment after he's hijacked the whole movie where Jones has to say in character "Don't forget about me!" It's too late, dude. You're done.

Result: Batman throws a batarang which ricochets among several pressurized tanks of chemicals, spraying Supes in the face with bright colors, making him look very funny. But Batman doesn't laugh, because (gentle reminder) he's Batman.

Superman III (1983)

I think there's a point in every superhero franchise when you think, "This needs more Richard Pryor". I'm not saying it doesn't work, but it remains an odd choice. To the people who whine about the predictability of the genre, I say "Here you go!". The studio is admitting that Richard Lester is the director now, and Margot Kidder bails in the opening scene. Pryor as Gus Whatever is an undiagnosed computer genius who falls in with Robert Vaughn's Lite Luthor. The movie intentionally goes full silly, with a slapstick opening and a video game themed climax (and this was 1983, the year of the video game crash). Dare I say the movie is enjoyable? No, it's not as good as its predecessors, it may not even be good on its own volition, but it has a certain desperate charm. The standout sequence is when Superman is contaminated by artificial Kryptonite and suffers a personality crisis, leading to a surreal (if technically limited) fight with himself. Reeve is still acting his heart out; and God bless him, he didn't have to.

Result: Supes gives as good as he takes. One quick spin, actually about nineteen that only appear as one, and the paint splatters all over the Dark Knight's cowl. The paint dries almost immediately, ruining the mask. Well, from a certain point of view. As the paint leaves Bats looking like Sgt. Kabukiman, the folks at Troma Entertainment open their one bottle of champagne.

Batman and Robin (1997)

Have you ever looked at Joel Schumacher's credentials? It's not a bad track record. I mean, nothing that comes off as a masterpiece, but when you factor in the whole of his career and not just the film with which he's always going to be associated, Schumacher is a competent director. So what the hell happened here? I blame the Warner Brothers studio for caring more about the toy line's appearance in the movie than correctly casting Patrick Stewart as Mr. Freeze. Uma Thurman is fine until she opens her mouth (revealing the Jim Carrey/Scarlett O'Hara amalgamation), and Poison Ivy never recovers. Alicia Silverstone pretends to be Batgirl. Chris O'Donnell pretends to be interesting. Akiva Goldsman's script pretends a plot is happening. And, oh yeah, Bane or something. And get this. They cast ER's George Clooney as the Bat! Poor guy's film career never stood a chance. The only thing I really remember about this mess is how forgettable it is. But I have to respectfully disagree that it's the worst superhero film ever. In fact, give me ten seconds and I can think of one much, much worse.

Result: Being drenched in makeup causes something in Batsy to snap. He pounds helplessly on Supes's steel chest, all the while screaming "You brute! You brute! You vicious brute!"

Superman IV: The Quest for Peace (1987)

There it is. Some movies wind up being bad because they miss the respectably difficult mark they're aiming for (Ang Lee's Hulk comes to mind). Other movies like Batman and Robin are bad because their target is so reach-out-and-touch-it easy to hit that they come across as insulting. Then there's this. A movie that isn't aiming. This movie is the equivalent of Yosemite Sam firing his guns randomly with his hat pulled down over his eyes. This is essentially a film version of some kid's Superman fan fiction (probably casting themselves in the Jon Cryer role). Superman creates world peace by getting rid of nuclear weapons because it's that simple, but Lex Luthor-, Radioactive Dude-, power drain and recharge-, nobody hurt-, nuclear bombs back-, nothing accomplished-, and Superman 64 is starting to look pretty good right about now.

Result: Supes gives the Bat a much needed hug and declares the fight pointless. He turns to fly away but trips over his own cape on takeoff, veering into a nearby office building where he knocks over a file cabinet and gets his foot stuck in a wastebasket; he tries kicking it off and accidentally hits himself in the face with it.

Batman Begins (2005)

To quote Roger Ebert, "this is the [Batman] movie I did not realize I was waiting for". This is a fantastic origin story, and unlike Spiderman (who gets a reboot every five or six years), it had been eighteen years since Brucey had gone Bat-bankrupt. Like Bryan Singer with X-Men, Christopher Nolan wisely treats the teetering-towards-hokey superhero concept as a drama. Nolan's strength is not in action scenes but in character conversations. And BOY does he get that right. This may be the first superhero film I've ever experienced where I just couldn't get enough of hearing people talk. The unfortunate downside is that the third act becomes kind of...irrelevant (a train blows up or something). But screw the train. Trains are about destinations. This story is about the journey.

Result: Batman changes tactics. He stands over Superman and lectures him. Batsy insults Supes's family, social life, religion and dog; and makes several choice analogies about the intelligence and dress size of Superman's momma, despite having never met her. It's freaking brutal.

Superman Returns (2006)

Really? This was the following year? Somehow I remember this being in its own pocket time dimension. So you know how Bryan Singer knocked it out of the park with X-Men and revitalized the whole superhero genre? Yeah. I have no idea what happened here either. First off, characters don't seem to be talking much, just looking at each other. Secondly, they don't seem to be doing much either. Thirdly, the cast just isn't convincing. Brandon Routh has the look and demeanor of Superboy. Kate Bosworth comes off as Lois Lane's niece. Kevin Spacey does a spot on Gene Hackman impression, it would have been nice to see him actually playing Lex Luthor instead. Parker Posey's sort-of-Harley-Quinn had an out of place charm. And the underappreciated James Marsden is really just getting screen time for the sake of itself, probably an apology for X2. But the biggest problem of all, the movie is boring. It's BORING. And the potential for boring is the first issue that has to be addressed with any Superman story.

Result: Supes dusts himself off and prepares for the verbal comeback to end all Kryptonian comebacks. He clears his throat. "Oh yeah?" he says, "Well, you fight like a cow!" It's sad how pleased he is.

The Dark Knight (2008)

It's impossible not to think of this as Heath Ledger's movie. When his casting was announced, we all thought the same thing, "The First Knight guy as the Joker? That makes about as much sense as casting Luke Skywalker!" But then the early buzz came in, and we as nerds uncharacteristically kept our criticisms to ourselves. Then Ledger died during post-production, and we were obligated to treat him with the same respect we really should be treating everyone on a regular basis. Bottom line, Ledger's performance met the hype. His was an iconic portrayal of an iconic character. It was helped along by a script that was at least as good as its predecessor. The third act action still kind of wanders all over the place, but the opening and the truck scene have a violent poetry to them. But I really want to acknowledge Aaron Eckhart, whose performance as Two-Face was AS good as Ledger's. I'd only seen Eckhart in the maliciously delightful Thank You for Smoking, and I admit to being a little concerned that he'd be unable to pull off Harvey Dent's angry side. I was wrong. He killed it. A few weeks back I did a blog on lines from movies that should be on the AFI top 100 list. I can't believe I forgot to include his chilling "You live...you die."

Result: This is the big one; Batman's fist in a kryptonite glove lined with lead so Supes doesn't see it coming right to the jaw. The man of steel is knocked on his butt, momentarily seeing tiny Mighty Mouses (Mice) flying in a circle over his head like a halo.

Man of Steel (2013)

I feel about Zack Snyder the same way I feel about Tim Burton, he's very good at painting a visual picture but he's out of his league when it comes to conveying character. Nobody in this movie really seems like they want to be there. Kevin Costner is just kind of waiting around for his death scene. Amy Adams's Lois Lane comes off more as her out of place tourist character from Leap Year. And Michael Shannon is just not menacing. He tries, just like he tried in Premium Rush, but he really just seems like his feelings are hurt. Although if they ever make a movie about Conan O'Brien's evicting from The Tonight Show, I think Shannon would be great in the role. The movie is also pretty dismal. And grey. Now Henry Cavill looks the part of Superman, and given the chance to fight for something instead of merely against Zod, he could have been really likable. But this movie feels long. And cram the Christ metaphor down our throats, won't you?

Result: Superman retaliates with a left and a right and a ho, ha ha, guard, turn, parry, dodge, spin, ha, thrust! Several buildings topple like dominoes! And cars blow up! And the stock market crashes! And the price of foodstuff skyrockets! Unfortunately, Batman had stepped out of the way long before Supes threw that first punch, so this is just carnage for the sake of a 225 million dollar budget. Superman then gets depressed.

The Dark Knight Rises (2012)

What the hell happened Nolan? Did somebody tell you they thought The Dark Knight was too happy? This is you, "I'm seeing it. I have a vision. I see...dreary! Not fun dreary, like an Edgar Allen Poe story, but real migraine inducing desolation, like a term paper on Carl Sandburg's poetry! And let's have Batman fake his own death so he and Catwoman can...you know." Okay, so ignoring how un-Batman some of the choices in this movie are, it's SO DAMN DULL! How do you make Batman unengaging? It would be like a James Bond movie where he just does surveillance or data analysis (probably like an actual spy). I don't believe Nolan cared about this movie, and I certainly don't. Ann Hathaway was fun though.

Result: Batman says "You think you can be depressed? Nobody outbroods me! Because I'm Batman!" He sulks so hard that even the Joker calls him up to make sure he's all right.

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (2016)

Ah, nerd entertainment. What other genre comes so consistently with a built-in backlash? Some of the many MANY criticisms lobbed at this film are valid, most are not. I'm thinking some people had decided going into it that they were going to hate it. Others may have presumed that any flavor different than Marvel was automatically bad. The truth is, I was pleasantly surprised. The movie was what it was, and pretty damn good at being so. My feelings about Zack Snyder still haven't changed, but I'm willing to humor the possibility that he may have actually learned from his past effort what didn't work and fixed it, without swinging the pendulum so far into the wrong territory. Henry Cavill still hasn't had to do much except show up and not suck, and so far I've been pleased with him. There probably is a really strong actor in there waiting to be tapped. Amy Adams fares much better the second time around. She still doesn't have that married-to-her-work vibe that she needs, but at least she feels more professional. Jesse Eisenberg's Lex Luthor. Man, what can I say? I didn't know how I was going to take to him, but damn it all, he won me over. It's a fresh take on a traditionally uninteresting nemesis, and Eisenberg's too-smart-for-his-own-good neurosis just...worked. Then there's Ben Affleck, who's probably spent the past week flipping off the message boards. I'm not trying to brag when I say I did defend the choice of his casting. I AM bragging when I say "Ha ha, I was right! In your face!" He's great as Batman and as Bruce Wayne. Christian Bale may have had some of the better scripts to work with, but Affleck just has the overall Bat-factor. Batman v Jason Bourne next!!! But the final thought: Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman. They got her for dirt cheap, and I'd love to be a fly on the wall during the negotiations to extend her contract (she wanted to be a lawyer at one point). Her Diana Prince exudes the right amount of confidence without needing to prove anything to anyone. And there's that flash of a smile in the final battle where she acknowledges that she's enjoying the action, a sentiment DC seems generally allergic to. Just that moment makes me long for her solo film. Oh, and spoiler alert: she totally saves Batman's ass.
Result: It's been a long and glorious battle of skill, wit and ego that has accomplished nothing. But from out of sky comes the amazonian champion herself, landing between the two gladiators. "Boys?" she says, "You're scaring people. Why don't we take some of that energy and channel it in a more constructive direction?" A mere seconds later, the set pieces for the newest Michael Bay movie lie in rubble and ash.

The Winner: Wonder Woman