Another Academy Award ceremony over with. Congratulations to Inside Out and whatever the hell else won. Also a consolation hug to everything that should have won but wasn't even nominated. While I'm at it, thank you to the fifteen percent of Hollywood executives who demonstrate an actual sense of understanding their jobs; and good luck with the imminent financial implosion that the bottom rung consumers know is coming. And I may as well put in a good word for the environment or whatever.
Do you ever scroll through the American Film Institute's lists of greatest lines from movies? A follow-up question: do you ever roll your eyes and think, 'seriously'?
Apparently the criteria they use is for a single line of dialogue to evoke the memory of the movie it's from. That explains why "Rosebud" makes the list, even if it means absolutely nothing on its own. In terms of film, we're clearly talking about Citizen Kane (I mean, duh).
But what about a line like "Well, nobody's perfect"? That's such a common phrase. I realize it's the most memorable moment from Some Like it Hot, but hearing it uttered doesn't immediately recall the movie.
Likewise, is it fair to credit a line like "E.T. phone home" for evoking the movie it's from when it kind of cheats by naming the movie itself? What about a franchise line like "Bond. James Bond"? I don't know about you, but that instantly makes me think My Best Friend's Wedding.
So basically, the system is flawed. And there's no hope of ever putting together a one hundred line list immune to generalized griping. But as an alternative, I suggest it may be time to swap some of the old lines out in favor of equally great (at least) dialogue from some movies that deserve a little more recognition.
Here are five examples to serve a s a revision to the 2005 list.
1. Removed: #61. Say "hello" to my little friend. Scarface (1983)
You almost have to wonder if this line was a deliberate bid for AFI immortality. I'm sure it meant something at some point, but it's been mimicked by every kid who's ever pulled out a water pistol (and never seen the movie) that the phrase is really not going to evoke the drama it intended. We need something stronger.
Replaced with: Well, I'll tell you why not. Clue (1985)
Oh, spoiler alert to those of you who haven't gotten around to seeing a 31 year old comedy classic. This line is in the same spirit as the Scarface. The main difference is, it manages to be a dramatic wham line in the face of one of the most over the top slapstick scenery chewing comedies in cinematic history.
Mr. Green (played by veteran comedian Michael McKean) has been the number one abuse victim of everything from gravity to Tim Curry reviving the hell out of his career. But then in only one-third of the theatrical showings, Green plays his ace. He's an undercover FBI agent, and his marksmanship in the hall with the revolver is the only thing that keeps the villain from winning.
The reason this moment is so great is twofold: Green is the most likable character in the film; and as absurd as the movie has become, reality has a delightfully nasty way of slapping it awake. We'd become so desensitized to death by the third act, it's refreshing that Green shooting Wadsworth can be so poignant. And he gets bonus badass points for not saying "This party's over".
2. Removed: #56. A boy's best friend is his mother. Psycho (1960)
I don't know why the AFI went with this one when "We all go a little mad sometimes" is way cooler. I guess maybe because of how much it reveals about Norman Bates in such a short space; oh yeah, spoiler alert again (jeez, get with the century). We can surmise quite a bit from the way Anthony Perkins delivers this line. Norman is a momma's boy. And there's something off about him. When you combine those two elements it makes everything about the reveal of his motives make sense. That's going to be hard to top.
Replaced with: Why would two hardened KAOS agents...risk the carbs? Get Smart (2008)
I truly hope Steve Carell hasn't peaked already because he was well on his way to being remembered as one of the comedic greats. Maxwell Smart is an iconic character, played to his idiotic best by the late Don Adams. Carell not only makes the character his own, but in my correct opinion makes him even better.
In this incarnation Smart is far from being an idiot, but he clearly has no business being on Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson's playing field. That doesn't stop the analyst from wanting the life of a field agent, or believing in himself.
So what we have laced in this single line of dialogue is more layers than some films have. One, Smart has demonstrated his skill and efficiency in translating foreign languages. Two, he has a natural knack for getting inside the heads of CONTROL's enemies to outthink them. Three, Smart's own fear of food due to an obstructive eating disorder (thankfully treated with care for a change) continues to affect him, even at his physical apex. Four, his overconfidence is an obvious mask for a nagging doubt that his boss will ever see him as qualified for the field. And five, in his thoroughness Max misses the significance of the bakery that the KAOS agents are visiting (it's a secret bomb factory). Wow, that's like three more layers than Norman Bates gave us! Comedy wins.
3. Removed: #49. It's alive! It's alive! Frankenstein (1931)
To be fair, this is a really hard line of dialogue to deliver convincingly. You know this moment. Dr. Frankenstein has reanimated the dead, to further the cause of science by doing...I don't know, shut up. Colin Clive is tasked with delivering an unleashed elation and yet strangely controlled (probably for blocking purposes). It's an awakening that clearly changes the flow of the story. The problem is, we can't be happy with him. We know this ends badly. Even in 1931 Universal advertised it as a horror movie, you know going in that Karloff won't be singing Putting on the Ritz.
Replaced with: No, I don't. But...I know someone who does. Galaxy Quest (1999)
In Galaxy Quest Tim Allen plays Jason Nesmith as William Shatner as himself as Captain Kirk. Shatner's relationship with Star Trek fans has been perforated at best. To be fair, the Trekkie spectrum does occasionally cross the line into a level of worship that even the most patient of souls might equate with community psychosis. But it's important to stress that these incidents are the occasions, not the norm. More often, it's like Halloween for adults (or in jock terms, team spirit driven wigs and body paint).
Say what you will about fantasy/sci-fi geeks, but we're nothing short of passionate. We do NASA level research on the things we love, and we roll around on the floor foaming at the mouth when the math doesn't add up because we care so much. Should we care this much? I don't know. The things we love so feverishly really don't matter in the grand illusion of history, but the damage we're capable of inflicting has real world consequences (ask any female videogame developer).
But kept in a healthy check, fandom can be a truly beautiful sight. And that's what this moment is about. We fans may moan and bitch about the entertainment we're given, but we will still shell out the cash for movie tickets and DVDs. The industry stays running because of the consumer. And when Jason Nesmith, in the middle of an intergalactic war, contacts a teenage fanboy for schematics, it's not just a chill inducing comedic/dramatic reveal. It also reads as one of those rare but impactful moments where Hollywood acknowledges its own need for its audience. And says thank you.
4. Removed: #29. You can't handle the truth! A Few Good Men (1992)
I absolutely adore Aaron Sorkin's writing. Any time I do script work I always aspire to Sorkin's level, knowing full well that even missing the mark will still land me in a pretty good place. So here we have Tom Cruise provoking Jack Nicholson into yelling the film's money shot line, that had become a meme back when CIA operatives were dreading the impending Windows 3.1 upgrade. Have you ever actually watched the movie, or even just the scene? The line is actually superfluous. Moments earlier, Nicholson says "I'll answer the question", and it has an impact on the direction of the scene. But people hone in on the loud line that sure sounds important but actually means nothing.
Replaced with: What do you mean, "Flash Gordon approaching"? Flash Gordon (1980)
We need to come to an understanding. This isn't a movie that's so bad it's good. This is a movie that's so good, the things that are bad about it don't matter. Everything from Max von Sydow's convincing sneers to Brian Blessed's bellowing is over the top ham acting to its most poetic extreme. No actor has ever looked as naively optimistic as Sam Jones. No actress has ever topped Ornella Muti's viper with a heart of gold. And I can't even say Timothy Dalton's name without feeling my past life fan girl's voice calling from the void.
And somewhere in the middle of this curiously untapped wellspring for cosplayers, there was Italian actress Mariangela Melato as General Kala, a dominatrix Maleficent. Every line Melato utters in the film is laced with venom, for no reason other than it's in her blood to imbue every action with a cold hatred. All of Mongo views the interloping earthlings as insects to be squashed, but Kala has become the most outwardly irritated with their continued survival.
The scene in question comes after Flash was publicly executed once already, and then left to die in a palace that was blown up from space. Then during Emperor Ming's wedding, the battle room colonel appears on Kala's screen to matter-of-factly inform her that Flash Gordon is approaching. The way she says her reaction line is so...vindictive. There's no fear or surprise, just a complete disbelief that the colonel's words mean what they so obviously mean. By the look on her face, she wants to physically tear through the monitor and strangle the colonel on the spot, and we almost believe she's capable of doing it.
5. Removed: #10. You talking to me? Taxi Driver (1976)
I watched this movie for the first time a few years ago and I honestly don't see what the big deal is. There's this 'voice' among aspiring filmmakers that seems to equate film quality with the ability to bore mainstream audiences. Roger Ebert referred to "You talking to me" as the truest line in Taxi Driver. I would argue that it's the only line that makes an impact. I live with depression, I don't need films to invoke it.
Replaced with: No Biff. You leave her alone. Back to the Future (1985)
All jokes aside, if there's one line in this blog that truly deserves to be on the AFI list, it's this one.
You'd be forgiven for thinking that Back to the Future is a movie about a kid traveling back in time to the 1950's (I mean, not by me. I'll never forgive you for that), but it isn't; it's about this moment. Don't get me wrong, Marty McFly is the hero/protagonist of the story, and Michael J. Fox is electrifying in the role. And Christopher Lloyd is iconic as every lovable mad scientist Doc Brown. But the story is about Marty's father George, the nerd who never stood up for himself and the fallout that happened because of it.
Marty gets accidentally sent back in time, and then accidentally arranges it so his parents don't get together, thus erasing himself from existence. His motivations throughout the movie are justifiably selfish, and he's only ever trying to restore the status quo. But because Marty truly loves his father, he can't help but provide a little extra encouragement that he doesn't even realize he's giving.
And then there's Biff, the bully of all bullies, played by the great yet sadly underused Tom Wilson. Wilson only had to show up and be big to make the character work, but he really pours his soul into Biff, simultaneously transcending him into a metaphor while grounding him into a genuine human being. I find myself hating what Biff is doing to George, but not hating who he is.
So at the climax of this PG rated film, Marty has done everything in his power to restore the timeline, but the pieces have fallen in such a way that Biff is about to drunk rape Marty's mother, and George inadvertently walks in on it. George isn't a lion in sheep's clothing like Lambert, he's an honest to God sheep. There's no lighting strike of Hulk strength forthcoming, and George knows it. But Marty's seeds of encouragement have taken hold, and for the first time in George's life he doesn't back down. Even though he believes he's going to be killed.
The Galaxy Quest line gives me chills. This moment nearly brings me to tears. Every time.
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