The most vocal elements of the world around me have a love-hate relationship with Christmas music, and who can blame either extreme? On the one hand, the emotional content ranges from pure saccharine to bitter despair and every buffet item between; you're bound to find at least a handful of songs with which you connect. On the other hand, if I have to endure that damned Mariah Carey song one more friggin' time, I swear I'm going to throttle somebody.
But in the spirit of peace on earth let's suck it up and try to put smiles on the faces of the stupid little kids who seem to be everywhere. Music has always had a certain mathematical magic to it that connects people in ways no other stimulus can. And Christmas music has kind of a unique playing field in that it really encourages audiences to participate. There's a healthy dose of folk music juxtaposed with sacred hymns and a couple of showy pieces for soloists, all of which result in a multi-layered festival of melodies and chord intervals; which is probably how the denizens of Fraggle Rock feel year round.
So I wanted to do something blog-wise for a handful of the popular Christmas carols, perhaps as a sort of companion piece to my collection of less popular/rarely heard Christmas songs from last year. Now it is very hard to do any sort of comprehensive list; looking up popular Christmas songs in America on Wikipedia yields over 450 titles. And it's also hard to narrow it down to just my personal favorites because so much of the power behind a song is in the execution.
So instead I've compiled a list of popular Christmas songs that have had a single version that I feel has either put other versions to rest or done something unique with the familiar. Here they are in an order that only makes sense to me.
We Need a Little Christmas (Version: The Muppets Family Christmas 1987)
I'm glad I made sure this came up. You know the song "My Favorite Things" from The Sound of Music? And you know how it has some winter imagery in it, but it's really not about Christmas? Okay, good. Let's all say this together one time. That. Is. Not. A. F***ing. Christmas. Song. So stop putting it on Christmas albums, damn it! There.
With that said- "We Need A Little Christmas" is technically not a Christmas song either, as that point in the musical Mame is set way back in *gasp* the latter part of November. But considering that the point of the song is to intentionally usher in the holiday that's just around the corner I'm happy to let the context slide. Besides, in our modern world decorations go up in July. Slackers.
The version of the song that I feel best illustrates the sense of 'destination' would have to be the opening to The Muppets Family Christmas, which is and probably will always be the only crossover among The Muppets, Sesame Street, Fraggle Rock, and those God-awful Muppet Babies. The special was more of a hit-and-miss concept than a story, but in terms of assembling the (then) entire cast of Muppets it really is something unique. And nobody can capture the energy of optimism in this song like Kermit and his menagerie.
For the record, I would love to have chosen the version from the 2001 Disney Christmas Parade, but I could only find one Youtube video for it and the sound isn't very good (and I can tell from Eeyore's movements that the performer inside isn't me). Well, what is Christmas if not a time to grasp the fact that you can't have everything?
O Come O Come Emmanuel (Version: Kelly Clarkson -Wrapped in Red 2013)
I truly don't care about American Idol or anything that happened, or didn't, because of it. Try striking up a conversation with me about it if you're interested in seeing the blankest look my face can produce. But my wife wanted Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album, which means I'll be listening to Kelly Clarkson's Christmas album significantly more times than I ever would have on my own. And you know what? It doesn't suck.
It's not to say a whole lot stands out about it, but Clarkson's shout-singing fits the musical style she's going for. But the last track on the CD is her one verse take on "O Come O Come Emmanuel", and there's a noticeable mood shift. It just sounds dramatic. The music amounts to sustained chords as if something big is about to happen. Sadly, this is the final track and not the midpoint. But for what it is, it's a damn fine sendoff.
Sleigh Ride (Version: The Carpenters -Christmas Portrait 1978)
I come from a long line of divas, but here at the insignificant age of 44 I feel as though I have it relatively under control. But on occasion, a little thing gets to me. And escalates. The song "Sleigh Ride" is typically performed with the sound of a whip crack during the bridge. You know..."There's a Christmas party at the home of Far *crack* -mer Gray". I hate the use of that sound effect; hate, hate, hate it. It ruins Christmas for me.
So Richard and Karen Carpenter already have the advantage simply by not including it on their album Christmas Portrait. But let's acknowledge the success surrounding their version. Christmas Portrait is a genuine classic Christmas album, arguably THE soundtrack to pre-eighties Christmas. Several tracks are reminiscent of the early Disney songs, giving off a timeless vibe.
The Carpenters were known for their style which would be partitioned off to the Easy Listening category today (much to Richard's chagrin). And while inoffensive music may have been more the norm 40 years ago, in this day and age it's kind of a breath of fresh air. And "Sleigh Ride" starts softly and then builds to a fast, yet controlled tempo in much the way an actual sleigh ride not hijacked by John McClane would go. It's a real Christmas delight.
Jingle Bells? (Version: Barbara Streisand -A Christmas Album 1967)
Ah, "Jingle Bells". How many ways are there to perform this song? Even Schroeder managed to whip out three variations in one sitting per Lucy's request. In the aforementioned The Muppets Family Christmas, Kermit's nephew channeled his wounded inner tadpole to unleash the single most depressing version of the song with which to ever bum out generations of music lovers. And then there was the Ray Charles arrangement which is best left forgotten (nobody knows it out of the park every time).
But the one that tops all of them in terms of "WTF?" seguing into "That's freaking awesome!" is the Streisand tongue-twister adaptation; hence the question mark at the end of the title. If you haven't heard it before, give it a listen. You'll not only never unhear it, but you'll resent the laziness of every straight version from then on out.
God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (Version: Mannheim Steamroller -Christmas 1984)
Really two songs in one (notice the multiple links above). Chip Davis and party does a madrigal instrumental for three verses on track nine which cuts off abruptly. Pause. And massive mood whiplash as we go into a modern version with a guest appearance by "Carol of the Bells". Christmas has a legitimately dark side to it, but I can't think of anywhere else where it's felt more than on the Steamroller album.
"God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen" has always been one of my favorite Christmas songs purely from the musical aesthetics. The minor key doesn't necessarily match the content of the lyrics, as it sounds more like a threat than a celebration. So perhaps it's telling that my absolute favorite version cuts the lyrics altogether.
Deck the Halls (Version: Bob Rivers -Twisted Christmas 1988)
Weird Al once suggested that every middle school child writes song parodies, but the key to his longevity is that he writes them very well. He probably wasn't thinking of the Bob Rivers company as an example of how to write half-assed parodies, but I'm certainly going to offer it up as a moderately successful offender (rhyming 'manner' with 'Santa'? Good God guys, come on!)
So "Wreck the Malls" does not get credit clever lyrics or passable for that matter. Nor is the idea behind it all that engaging. But you know what it does right? The musical arrangement rocks! The song makes you wonder why the hell Joan Jett hasn't put out a full Christmas album because this is essentially "I Love Deck the Halls".
O Holy Night (Version: Trans-Siberian Orchestra -Christmas Eve and Other Stories 1996)
This song is a showoff piece, and every soprano who's ever gotten their greedy paws on it knows that. And that's fine if you want to ignore the fact that Christmas is about humility, just know that you're getting on my nerves whenever you think the song is about you (although Jessica Simpson once managed to oversing the song until it was about nothing, so if you don't ever do that then I'll never have to throw eggs at your car). So here's an idea: let's take the soloist out entirely and see what happens.
I know you've heard the Trans-Siberian Orchestra's "Carol of the Bells", because it's epic and its everywhere this time of year. But unless you bought the album, you may have missed their "O Come All Ye Faithful/O Holy Night" hybrid, which I'd argue is even better. "O Come All Ye Faithful" is powerful, but it's upbeat; kind of a very merry heavy metal Christmas if you will. Then there's a bridge and the lead guitar takes over for one verse of "O Holy Night".
Now this isn't the mood whiplash of Steamroller's "God Rest Ye", this is more of a slow burn. At first it just sounds like a familiar melody. But the guitar gradually gets a little more vulnerable, and then you start to notice there's a pain behind it. By the time the chorus hits, the solo sounds like it's producing tears, leading to the prerequisite high note where it's in a genuine wail. Finally the music collapses into complete devastation. And just curls up on the floor.
Edgar Allen Poe once asserted that when music moves an audience to tears, it isn't because they are so overcome with joy. It's because the human soul longs to be reunited with the divine. Our conscious minds ordinarily block out the pain our souls feel for the sake of sanity and functionality. But once in a while something comes along to unlock that sense of loss and isolation. And music had that power in a single chord change that Poe would need a thousand of his words to achieve, if that. To anyone who has lost someone or something this time of year, or just feels like the festive season moves on around but without you, this is your carol.
Rocking Around the Christmas Tree (Version: Bella Thorne -Disney Channel Holiday Playlist 2012)
I had a wonderfully talented music teacher in elementary school named Mrs. McKee. She could rock the hell out of any song in her repertoire. The bulk of Christmas carols I know were first taught to me by Mrs. McKee, including "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree". But damn it all! I swear nobody else seems to know what kind of energy the song is supposed to have.
Brenda Lee (who I've only just found out is still alive at the age of 74), recorded the original in 1958 at the age of thirteen. I certainly can't discredit her for the jazzy-esc tempo that pervaded popular music of the time period. But ye gods people, evolve for crying out loud! Every cover of this song I'd heard (except for Mrs. McKee's) seems to think the song is legally required to remain in the fifties, creating a mood not so indicative of the titular 'rocking around' anything so much as meandering aimlessly through the food court. Luckily the Disney Channel imposed its generic drum beat onto Bella Thorne and told her to sing the melody.
Now I don't know anything about Bella Thorne. I hear she's pretty popular amongst an age bracket that I am not. As a performer I think she's only adequate here. I wouldn't be surprised if she showed up to the studio the day of and read the lyrics for the first time about twenty minutes before recording it
But whatever, that's not the point. The blessing on the table is somebody FINALLY gave us a version of this song that's danceable. Infectiously so. Let's all agree that any future covers of this carol will use the Bella Thorne version as the template, and maybe we can come up with a few new much needed verses to pad it out into a full production number.
Silent Night (Version: The Carpenters -Christmas Portrait 1978)
Again with The Carpenters? What gives? Am I worried that other songs aren't good enough for anyone else to hear? Well, let me come at this from a different angle. What's the first thing you think of when I mention Karen Carpenter? Some people will claim that she had a golden voice. And I'm not really here to dispute that opinion, but I think it's worth examining why people respond so strongly to her.
One thing I notice about Karen is she sings gently. I don't know what her pipes were capable of, but she seems to only push the vocal power enough to make the song work, whereas quite a lot of female singers have no indoor voice. Her range also stays comfortable, never wandering into the shrill descants. So she doesn't belt it out and she doesn't show off. How does that mean she has a golden voice? Well, probably because her style was soothing, always pitch perfect but somehow accessible. In the entertainment world our celebrities are our demi-humans, but Karen Carpenter was somehow the singer we wanted to be and actually felt like we could be.
But no, that's not the first thing you think of when I mention her. You're reminded of her death from the complications do to her anorexia. Eating disorders were either foreign or deeply misunderstood in 1983 when Karen suffered heart failure. By 1993 when I was diagnosed with anorexia there were a lot more resources and support, so ten years really can bring about genuine progress. But at the time of her death anorexia was shocking, and the fact that it happened to a woman who was essentially everyone's kind hearted music teacher made it a tragedy that continues to resonate.
Which brings us the long way around to "Silent Night", a hymn which naturally promotes introspection. Even a Methodist congregation who can barely keep time on the Doxology can stay together in four-part a cappella harmony on Christmas Eve with the lights out. You can't really screw this song up. But when you give the lead melody to Karen Carpenter and back her up with a choir that sounds like an ethereal lullaby, it transcends to a whole other level. And somewhere in the melancholy of it you can't help but realize that she's no longer with us, and you may very well be hearing the voice of an angel.
The Twelve Days of Christmas (Version: The Rock-afire Explosion 198?)
Let's end on an up note though. Fun fact: "The Twelve Days of Christmas" is the most popular song to change time signatures (back and forth between 4/4 and 3/4 time). Another fun fact: it's actually 'colly birds' not calling. And as per the original text it's 12 lords, 11 ladies, 10 pipers, and 9 drummers. So now you know.
We've all sung this one, and I'm sure we've all made up our own versions of it as well; I think mine involved Loch Ness Monsters, potatoes, and a basset hound named Dudley. So it's not really about doing the song right or wrong (12 lords, 11 ladies, damn it!) so much as it's about the fun factor/community feel.
For that we turn to an underrated ensemble of personalities who desperately demand a comeback, the wildlife of Showbiz Pizza Place. Despite creator Aaron Fechter voicing at least four of the animatronic characters himself, the performance feels strangely improvised. Between laid back Beach Bear's habit of changing the third day's gift every verse and the fact that the cast just breaks up laughing at one point, these are the animals you want to hang out with. Christmas is at its most inclusive when people are just enjoying the company of each other.
So that's it then, the sacred and the secular, the solemn and the spirited Christmas caroling bonanza. Have a wonderful holiday, and try to make some memories with your loved ones. I'll leave you with one more link to a classic holiday song that needs no cover version: 1966's Snoopy vs. the Red Baron by the Royal Guardsmen.
Merry Christmas!
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