The True Meaning of Christmas
Once upon a time there was an old man who didn't know the true meaning of Christmas. And everyone in town used to harass him and make fun of him and call him at three in the morning to annoy him just because he didn't know the true meaning of Christmas.
And this went on for years. It became part of the town's annual tradition to mock the old man with as much gusto as possible. And so one winter, a bunch of kids were standing outside his house singing a carol that they had written called "You Don't Know the True Meaning of Christmas" and he got so mad that he threw his coffee at them. He stormed back into his house and slammed the door twice (because the first time it didn't catch properly), sank down into his chair, and sulked.
He thought long and hard about his predicament, and eventually decided that if he learned the true meaning of Christmas it might solve the problem. So he put on his hat, turned off all the lights, unplugged the microwave, and went out into the snow to search for the meaning.
The old man walked for several blocks, grumbling to himself about how far away the nearest house was. But finally he got to a door and knocked, and a little boy opened it. The old man asked the little boy if he knew the true meaning of Christmas, but the boy refused to say anything. "Are you not supposed to talk to strangers?" the old man asked and the boy nodded his head. So the old man introduced himself and asked again about Christmas, but the boy didn't have any useful information and he screamed and ran away and was never heard from again.
So then the old man went further into town where he found a traffic cop standing in the middle of an intersection yelling at all of the honking cars to shut up. The old man asked the cop if he knew the true meaning of Christmas. The cop said no and ran away screaming and was never heard from again.
The old man hobbled on until he eventually spotted a dog in an alleyway. He asked the dog if it knew the true meaning of Christmas, but the dog didn't say anything because it was a dog. And so the old man continued on, feeling pretty stupid for having tried that.
Further on down the street was the town hall where everybody else was having a meeting. The old man kicked the doors in, which was impressive considering they were meant to swing outwards, and cried out "Does anybody know the true meaning of Christmas?"
For a moment nobody said anything, just glancing awkwardly at each other. Then in unison they looked at the old man and said "No".
The old man was aghast. He threw his hat on the floor and jumped on it. "You all suck!" he declared. "For years you've been mocking me and laughing at me because I don't know the true meaning of Christmas, and not one of you is any better!"
So the mayor stepped forward and said "Well, yeah. We're bullies. Everybody in this town is a bully. We don't really like ourselves very much. But then Christmas comes around and we try to make ourselves feel better by making someone else feel worse."
"So let me get this straight," said the old man. "None of you actually have anything against me, but because I'm an easy target you've singled me out?"
The mayor nodded. "That pretty much sums it up." And then everyone in the town hall started making fun of the old man, and pointing at him and laughing, and the kids started singing "You Don't Know the True Meaning of Christmas" at him; and he stood there completely perplexed as to how to react. But somehow it didn't bother him quite as much.
Angel on Campus
She'd never seen snow before, not actual snow. Flakes on occasion, and maybe the odd frozen dew that one could compile into a single snowball. This, however, was real snow. And it covered the university campus.
On any other morning she'd think it a sight of beauty. But her mind was on her final exam; at least as much as sleep deprivation, as well as the cold wetness to which she was unaccustomed, would allow. Her mind was on the trepidation that the hours, days, semester that she'd spent preparing for this one last obstacle were insufficient. Her mind was on the biting blast of winter's breath which refused to show her numb face any compassion, precipitating droplets in the corners of her eyes which may have been any combination of sweat and condensation. Her mind was on the barricade between a struggle of the present and a sanctuary she couldn't envision. And even that barricade drifted further away, as her foot touched the base of the incline to the stone halls above (the same one she'd traversed for months without a second thought) and slid out from under her, sending her face down into the white blanket.
Now this hill wasn't steep, but a journey from bottom to top had a length. And now that it was frozen over, that length was undefinable. She regained her footing and took another step which promptly set her back on the flat ground. Again and again she tried. Softly. Carefully. Brute force. Moving sideways. Crawling. Each attempt devoured a few precious moments between her and the exam and only deposited her back at the base of the hill.
Grit and determination led to panic, which made way into a scream that was lost among the howling of the winter's zephyr. One final surge of all her strength to make the slightest progress against the elements left her in tears. And resignation.
It was at this moment someone came, whistling to himself, and walking. Carefree. In a pair of snowshoes.
She'd never seen snowshoes before. She didn't have time to even process what they were before he spotted her, sobbing in a heap. He strolled over to where she squatted in the ice and put his arm around her. And carried her up the hill.
Not a word was spoken as her feet dangled helplessly behind her from the bottom of the incline to the top. She clutched his chest as if her life were threatened. And he cradled her all the way into the building, to a small bench that rested only a few yards away from her final exam.
After that he was gone, and she never saw him again. But she thought of him every time the seasons turned cold, and always said a silent prayer of thanks.
Hurry Down the Chimney
Zelphina took an inventory of every potential holiday themed item she had scattered on the floor of the condominium, and it dumbfounded her.
Sis? came the voice of her long gone brother in her head; even in his absence he would always be there for her. Why don't you wait for Caris to help you?
Because I love her. And I've been an absolute wraith of a girlfriend lately.
You judge your imperfections as unforgivable.
Damn right I do. Now help me figure out what these various items are for.
Now how would I have any information about this festival that you don't?
Because you were always smarter than me.
Fair point. So you have this plastic thing that looks like a tree?
I think it's supposed to be a tree.
Aren't trees typically outdoors?
Yes, but in the month of December humans bring trees inside as a metaphor.
For what?
That's what I'm asking you.
Didn't Caris leave you some music to research?
Yes. See? That's why you're smarter than me.
I knew the tree was related to Christmas.
Why are they rocking around it?
I don't know. It has something to do with cold weather right?
You think humans bring trees inside to keep them warm.
No that would kill the tree.
But the trees die anyw-
Wait! It's supposed to be religious, right?
That would be the impression you've gotten.
Religions are about death and rebirth. Winter is death. The tree is rebirth!
So the tree is growing in their homes?
Because the winter couldn't kill it! And that's why they're rocking around it! Because it's burst through the floor!
So when they say 'hop' at the Christmas party they're dodging the roots?
Or bobcats. I think those live in trees. And people put bells on the bobcats' tails.
So we set the tree in the middle of the room.
Perfect! What else do we have?
What is 'manger'? More mange?
Manager? M-anger? German? Gramen? Mr. Gane?
I don't think it's an anagram.
What about this? It's a hoop with Christmas tree branches.
Try it out.
...It's not very aerodynamic.
Moving on then, who's this man with the beard?
Oh, I've heard about him! I think that's Ebenezer Scrooge!
The guy who kept getting assaulted by the ghosts?
Yes! So we can reuse the Halloween decorations. We'll just set him in the graveyard and have all the scary things attacking him.
Great! So what do we do with the turkey in the hat?
"Everybody knows a turkey!" I knew I heard that line in one of the songs!
So you can put all the manger characters around the turkey.
Now we've got some kind of a deer with a nose that lights up.
What else do people do this time of year?
Sit inside and watch movies? Oh, I know! The deer must replace that lion that shows up before movies.
And that hoop goes around his head.
All right, we've got a set of cloth shoes for giants.
............
Cover the ceiling fan blades?
Does that actually make it warmer?
No, but remember everything is a metaphor.
Okay, that's the last of the lights.
Good. That's also the last of the staple gun. Are you sure stars are supposed to blink in color?
Light refracts differently depending on where you are in the world. This ceiling is meant to represent the entire night sky.
That just leaves us with these tubes of paper.
I'm thinking white side up. Like snow.
You going to cover the floor?
I'm going to cover everything.
Caris pulled her car into the lot completely unprepared for the sight that awaited her. Zelphina had gotten into the gift wrapping ribbon, that much was clear. Zel had also apparently mistaken it for some kind of Christmas fabric, as she had fashioned the half-inch wide strip into a sort of continuous bathing suit which she was now wearing. Caris's jaw dropped as her girlfriend scurried past several of the other tenants over to Caris's driver's side window.
Before Caris could find her voice, Zelphina was in a hyperactive solioquy including gratitude for her coming home, apologizies for Zel's antisocial tendancies, and something about a lion and a hula hoop that Caris couldn't quite follow the logic of.
"Um, honey?" she said when she finally managed the necessary focus. "What are you wearing?"
"It's-" Zelphina took a moment to re-examine her choice attire. "I'm not really sure. Is this not what it's for?"
Caris's head couldn't decide whether to giggle in delight, grab her jacket to shield her girlfriend, or test the theory that one careful tug would unravel the thing entirely. In the end, the only response she could muster was a tender smile. "It's perfect."
Zelphina sighed proudly. "I'm so glad you like it. I've missed you terribly."
Caris pulled herself out of the car and quickly took Zelphina's hand. "Come on sweetie, let's get you back inside."
Zelphina's face lit up. "You're going to love what I've done to the living room!"
Caris blinked. Many, many times. She refused to let her smile fade no matter how many times the phrase 'My naked girlfriend has done something to the living room' surged through her mind. "I can't wait to see sweetie."
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