So the time has come again.
I've been talking this ritual up in my social circles for months, locking myself into a verbal contract that (probably) only I care about. For the record, as of two days ago, I had literally nothing in my head as raw material. But it's been my experience that muses tend to work best under pressure, and as of now I have maybe three days worth of ideas to try on. So let's kick off with a Carousel visit and see how this goes.
Her Weight in Goldilocks
With Caris comfortably out of immediate earshot entertaining Jill's seven month old daughter Abigail, Zelphina allowed a string of a repeated obscenity to spill out from under her breath. The Sudoku puzzle in her hands was refusing to obey the rules of elimination, and she grew increasingly frustrated every time she had to erase another '5'.
Caris strolled back into the front room where Zelphina sat long ways on the couch, her mouth pressed against Abigail's face in a pantomime devour. "Nom nom nom nom-"
Zelphina interrupted the feast. "Not asleep yet?"
"Of course she's not asleep. She's getting attention from a pretty blonde," said Caris, barely glancing at her girlfriend before resuming her story where she'd left off. "Nom nom nom nom! She ate it aaaaaaall up."
Abigail's seven month old voice made a strange squeaking sound, which seemed to please Caris. "You like that?" Caris laughed and gave her a quick kiss.
Zelphina huffed. "You know that thing can't understand what you're saying."
"She's not a thing, Zel. She's a baby."
"She's both until she's neither."
Caris paid the comment no mind. "You just ignore her, she has no maternal instinct," she told the infant.
Zelphina rubbed her eyebrows. "Maternal instinct is a trick nature plays to keep animals from abandoning their young."
"But that bowl was too hot. So she went over to the medium bowl, picked up the spoon, and..." Caris drew in a suspenseful breath and proceeded to 'eat' Abigail's cheek again.
Zelphina shot them both a look. "Goldilocks?"
"Mm-hm. But that bowl was too cold."
"Goldilocks doesn't eat all the porridge."
"My Goldilocks does." Caris lifted Abigail gently in the air and floated her back down.
"Your Goldilocks has no sense of continuity."
"She's also going to clean out the refrigerator and the pantry."
"For what purpose?"
"To annoy you." Caris winked.
Zelphina was about to make a comment about Caris's commitment to the narrative but she was distracted by the two 7's in the same section that she hadn't noticed before. "Damn it!" she grumbled.
"Honey, not in front of the child please."
"I actually did just censor myself."
"If Abigail's first word is profanity, Jill is never going to let us babysit again."
Zelphina further wore down her eraser. "I don't think we're in agreement on that being a downside."
Caris watched Zelphina glare accusingly at the puzzle's unfilled squares for a few seconds. "Zel, I want to try out something. Do you mind standing up?"
"Stand up?"
"Yeah, just for a second."
Zelphina set the puzzle book down and pushed off the cushions. "I mind a little, why?"
"Great!" Caris smiled, and Zelphina realized a moment too late what was about to happen.
"No, don't give me the damn kid!" But Abigail had already been relinquished into Zelphina's loving arms and scowl. The infant stared at her in fascination.
"She likes you Zel."
"She doesn't know me." Zelphina had to turn her head away when Abigail immediately reached for her mouth. "I am not above biting you," she informed the baby.
Caris laughed. "You look absolutely miserable. I think down the road we may be adopting a three year old."
"Six. Bare minimum."
"We'll see." Caris sat down in the easy chair across from them. "So talk to me, what are you feeling?"
"What am I feeling? I feel like I'm going to break her. Possibly on purpose."
"Come on Zel. I'm really asking. What do you feel right now?"
Zelphina stared at the foreign object in her hands and sighed. "Resentment."
"Towards what?"
"Towards the fact that I'm supposed to feel something other than resentment. Babies are dumb. They're a burden, and they're loud, and people obsess over them. And I don't understand why people think there's something wrong with me for not liking them."
"I don't think there's anything wrong with you Zel. I think you're just wired differently."
"Well, you are literally the first person who's ever said that to me."
Caris gave Zelphina a warm smile. Then one to Abigail, who had taken up residence against Zelphina's chest. "I think she's comfortable. Do you want to see if you have any luck putting her to sleep?"
"You want me to lull her?"
"Yes honey, as opposed to euthanizing her. Why don't you give it a shot?"
"How am I supposed to accomplish this?"
Caris shrugged. "How did your mother get you to go to sleep?"
"By command. Yours?"
"Neglect." Caris's smile dimmed slightly. She recovered immediately, but a shelved memory still reflected in her eyes.
For a moment there was silence, neither comforting nor awkward, just an existing pause. Then Zelphina inhaled deeply, wincing as Abigail's voice randomly bounced off a shrill yip. Caris waited. Abigail waited. She cared about at least one of them.
"There was a little girl named Goldilocks," Zelphina told the room. "She lived in the woods with her terrible parents who had neither the foresight nor motivation to raise a child in a less volatile area. So one day she was out wandering in the forest without guidance or instructions as was consistently the case and she came across a house that she hadn't seen before."
"It seemed odd to Goldilocks that the front door wasn't locked like the door to her own home always was whenever she went outside. So she poked her head in and found the place seemed to be devoid of occupants. But a table had been set for dinner with three bowls of porridge; whatever the hell that is."
"Goldilocks climbed into the first chair, which she found uncomfortably hard, and the bowl of porridge which sat in front of her was clearly too much for her little tummy, despite what Miss Bottomless Appetite over there would have you believe. She climbed into the next chair which was much softer, but so much so that it made reaching the edge of the table all the more difficult. And again, the medium sized bowl was too much for her little tummy."
"The last chair was a high chair that seemed to be made exactly for someone her size and shape. Goldilocks climbed up to the seat which fit her perfectly. And in front of her was a bowl of porridge that was just the right amount for her little tummy. She had a taste, and once she got past the gag reflex she found the meal reasonably tolerable."
Caris interrupted. "Don't forget, she goes 'nom nom nom nom'!"
"No, she doesn't, Cookie Monster. She uses the spoon like the little lady her oppressive environment has conditioned her to be." Zelphina sighed. "Now she was full and she tried to climb back down the high chair, but she was off balance. Her hand slipped and she took a tumble to the floor, the chair crashing down on top of her. She crawled out from under the broken wood-"
"You're not going to kill her, are you?" Caris demanded.
"Can you just trust me to tell the story? So Goldilocks was hurt, and she needed a place to lie down. She staggered into the bedroom and saw three beds. The first two were too large for her to crawl into in her current condition, but the last one was the perfect size for her. She lay down and fell fast asleep."
"Now as it turned out, the house belonged to a civilized family of bears, because apes don't hold the monopoly on evolution. They'd never considered locking the door to their home because nobody in the neighboring vicinity would be dumb enough to enter a bear's territory. Despite what you might think, about the bears having to go step by step through the previous events to figure out what happened, the truth is they have a keen sense of smell and went straight to the smallest bed. Goldilocks lay asleep and vulnerable with three bears in the room who had every reason and motive to maul her right there."
Caris buried her head in a combination of amusement and distaste. "Oh Zel."
"Now, if you take nothing else from this story, then remember this. Sometimes the natural world, for reasons beyond anyone's control, takes pity. For Goldilocks awakened to three full jaws of teeth leering at her. She didn't run and she didn't cry, she only resigned herself to her fate. And in that moment the smallest of the bears, the one who had been most affected by her intrusion took a closer look at her, not out of menace but curiosity. And after a few minutes of not being torn to pieces, Goldilocks reached her hand out and rubbed the bear behind the ear. Goldilocks never went home, and her horrible parents never tried to look for her. They assumed some family of wild animals had taken her, and to a certain extent they were right. For Goldilocks spent the rest of her days as part of a family who grew to love her, and raise her as their own. And they lived happily ever after."
Caris looked at Abigail, who was sound asleep in Zelphina's arms, and giggled. "You're much better at this than you give yourself credit for."
Zelphina gave Caris a defiant look, but didn't say anything as she handed the child off to her. But before Abigail was two feet removed, she woke up and whined to be put back where she'd just been.
Zelphina exchanged a glance with her girlfriend. "Damn it all."
"How am I supposed to accomplish this?"
Caris shrugged. "How did your mother get you to go to sleep?"
"By command. Yours?"
"Neglect." Caris's smile dimmed slightly. She recovered immediately, but a shelved memory still reflected in her eyes.
For a moment there was silence, neither comforting nor awkward, just an existing pause. Then Zelphina inhaled deeply, wincing as Abigail's voice randomly bounced off a shrill yip. Caris waited. Abigail waited. She cared about at least one of them.
"There was a little girl named Goldilocks," Zelphina told the room. "She lived in the woods with her terrible parents who had neither the foresight nor motivation to raise a child in a less volatile area. So one day she was out wandering in the forest without guidance or instructions as was consistently the case and she came across a house that she hadn't seen before."
"It seemed odd to Goldilocks that the front door wasn't locked like the door to her own home always was whenever she went outside. So she poked her head in and found the place seemed to be devoid of occupants. But a table had been set for dinner with three bowls of porridge; whatever the hell that is."
"Goldilocks climbed into the first chair, which she found uncomfortably hard, and the bowl of porridge which sat in front of her was clearly too much for her little tummy, despite what Miss Bottomless Appetite over there would have you believe. She climbed into the next chair which was much softer, but so much so that it made reaching the edge of the table all the more difficult. And again, the medium sized bowl was too much for her little tummy."
"The last chair was a high chair that seemed to be made exactly for someone her size and shape. Goldilocks climbed up to the seat which fit her perfectly. And in front of her was a bowl of porridge that was just the right amount for her little tummy. She had a taste, and once she got past the gag reflex she found the meal reasonably tolerable."
Caris interrupted. "Don't forget, she goes 'nom nom nom nom'!"
"No, she doesn't, Cookie Monster. She uses the spoon like the little lady her oppressive environment has conditioned her to be." Zelphina sighed. "Now she was full and she tried to climb back down the high chair, but she was off balance. Her hand slipped and she took a tumble to the floor, the chair crashing down on top of her. She crawled out from under the broken wood-"
"You're not going to kill her, are you?" Caris demanded.
"Can you just trust me to tell the story? So Goldilocks was hurt, and she needed a place to lie down. She staggered into the bedroom and saw three beds. The first two were too large for her to crawl into in her current condition, but the last one was the perfect size for her. She lay down and fell fast asleep."
"Now as it turned out, the house belonged to a civilized family of bears, because apes don't hold the monopoly on evolution. They'd never considered locking the door to their home because nobody in the neighboring vicinity would be dumb enough to enter a bear's territory. Despite what you might think, about the bears having to go step by step through the previous events to figure out what happened, the truth is they have a keen sense of smell and went straight to the smallest bed. Goldilocks lay asleep and vulnerable with three bears in the room who had every reason and motive to maul her right there."
Caris buried her head in a combination of amusement and distaste. "Oh Zel."
"Now, if you take nothing else from this story, then remember this. Sometimes the natural world, for reasons beyond anyone's control, takes pity. For Goldilocks awakened to three full jaws of teeth leering at her. She didn't run and she didn't cry, she only resigned herself to her fate. And in that moment the smallest of the bears, the one who had been most affected by her intrusion took a closer look at her, not out of menace but curiosity. And after a few minutes of not being torn to pieces, Goldilocks reached her hand out and rubbed the bear behind the ear. Goldilocks never went home, and her horrible parents never tried to look for her. They assumed some family of wild animals had taken her, and to a certain extent they were right. For Goldilocks spent the rest of her days as part of a family who grew to love her, and raise her as their own. And they lived happily ever after."
Caris looked at Abigail, who was sound asleep in Zelphina's arms, and giggled. "You're much better at this than you give yourself credit for."
Zelphina gave Caris a defiant look, but didn't say anything as she handed the child off to her. But before Abigail was two feet removed, she woke up and whined to be put back where she'd just been.
Zelphina exchanged a glance with her girlfriend. "Damn it all."
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