Polka 'Round the Blog

I've been wanting to do this for a while now.

1983 was the year I turned eleven. I don't know what it is about that specific age in a boy's life, but I've heard it asserted that it is the oldest a boy can be while still believing in magic.

Somehow that feels true. At the age of eleven I was in fifth grade defending the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, accepting that my personal value was dictated by each nine week progress report card, and sensing that 'growing up' was simply not agreeing with me. And, I suppose like most eleven year old boys, I was subconsciously looking for that 'hero' figure to influence me, connect me with other like-minded people, and give some sense of identity in a world that was getting too big too fast.

That's when I heard about a song called Another One Rides the Bus.

It would be a few more years before I would actually hear the whole song, but knowing that such a song existed somehow resonated with my developing eleven year old brain. My parents had raised me on that very influential and experimental period of rock music that seemed to start in the mid-seventies and continue into the early eighties, and Queen was in the forefront of that track list. Their hit Another One Bites the Dust was EVERYWHERE and permanently ingrained in the public's mind. You could walk into a library (which was a quiet place back then) and vocally provide the musical setup of "Ba-da-DUM-DUM-DUM-(pause)" and get the whole room to respond in unison with the correct song title.

But I was never a mainstream kid. For whatever reason, God decided to grant me the fascination with the side entrance. If there's a front door and everyone is filing through it, and I spot an open window in the alley leading into the same building, that's where I'm going. It's not to bypass the line or get anywhere faster. It's just to have a different way of arriving at the destination. And just having the alternate yet equally acceptable response to "Ba-da-DUM-DUM-DUM-(pause)" magnetized me.

Throughout the next year I'd become aware of the existence of My Bologna, and catch the videos for Ricky and I Love Rocky Road, and still not make the connection that this was all the work of the same guy. It wasn't until Eat It that I was able to put a name and a face and a discography together in my head to understand who "Weird Al" Yankovic was.

He was my hero.

And you know what? Three decades later he still is.

I really feel privileged to have grown up along side the timelines of videogame history and Weird Al's career. It's the perfect foundation for a nerd. I'm still committed to fighting off the infestation of 'growing up', although I've been willing to embrace certain aspects of maturity. (Hey kids, your music today sucks. My generation is WAY cooler, so nyah nyah.) It's always comforting to see that every few years I can rely on Al to place his funhouse mirror in front of the Top 40 list and reimagine all too serious compositions with an accordion and a few gunshot sound effects.

Except I've noticed something with the past few albums. I'm having a certain amount of trouble connecting with them, mainly because I think a lot of todays music really does suck on a level of monotony and interchangeability.

And that got me wondering about the past albums I grew up loving. Did I love them more because I was a teenager and thus more relatable?

Well, Weird Al has announced his fourteenth album due on July 15th, and curiously I'm not excited. Back in the day I'd be drooling, but his past few albums have been a bit underwhelming to me. As such, I think this is the perfect occasion for me to revisit the albums of the past with a critical eye to determine what I feel is the overall quality of each one. So over the next however-long I'm going to blog my subjectively objective reviews to the timelessness/less of my hero's music.

Why would I do this to someone who has had such a wonderful impact on me? Because he's my hero and he can take it. I know there's nothing I can dish out that's going to make "Weird Al" Yankovic any less awesome than he's always been.

So put down that chainsaw and grab your twinkie wiener sandwiches because this is Al TV!

Food Network Star Week Three

After this blog I'm resolved to give up complaining about the contestant quality this season and just focus on the show as it's given. But I'm still going to get in my last hurrah, so here it comes.

Lenny is the only one who would have lasted more than a few weeks on any of the previous seasons. I really expect to see him in the final challenge and I'll even admit to being relieved when he wasn't sent home tonight. No one else is really showing solidarity. Some have it in the cooking chops, but I don't think any of them could have outlasted Penny from Season 7. Some have decent enough personalities, but I really believe either the network is presuming Chad is going to take the Star Salvation and trump everyone or they're simply as over the whole Food Network Star notion as I think the American Idol viewership was at Season 10.

I think we've seen so many Food Network Star winners go on to do very little that we're kind of used to the idea that the show is just about one competitor winning a competition and not really about choosing an ongoing face for the channel.

So with suitably lowered expectations, I'm predicting Lenny, Nicole and Christopher as the final challenge contestants. Lenny's already proven to have the strength and creativity to go the whole season, and he demonstrated a real sense of humility tonight when he wound up at the bottom. Nicole hasn't really had a bad showing yet and tonight she managed to keep her head above the water with several things pulling her down. And Christopher seems to be finding his screen rhythm, which he's been able to back up with cooking skills.

So as for the rest of them, here is my uninformed guess at the order in which they're going to be eliminated.

Next week: Chris. He's got a charm, but he's chaotic in front of the camera and he's showing no signs of growing. That charm is drawing too much attention to his mistakes.

Week five: Loreal. She struck a chord with the coaches the first week and hasn't been able to live up to that first impression since.

Week six: Probably one of the two who isn't really making much of an impression either way, Reuben or Aryen. The sad thing about Aryen is she's had some real opportunities to win me over and hasn't taken them.

Week seven: Emma seems to have Giada's support so I think Sarah will go that week. She hasn't really convinced me that she's ever watched the show before, but with the overriding sense of blandness coming from so many contestants I think the judges will tolerate her up until the seventh week.

Week eight: Emma. She had a good night tonight, but I really think this was the peak of her, but the show has made a habit of keeping someone who's peaked around for about a month longer.

Week nine: Whichever of Reuben or Aryen who wasn't eliminated in week six will finally go now. Assuming he or she has continued not making an impression, it will have kept them in the competition by not giving the judges a reason to cut them over the contestants of previous weeks. But by week nine they will need to provide a reason to keep them in the competition, a reason they don't have.

So, that's what I'm guessing based on what I see. I don't think there are going to be any upsets, scandals, chair throwing or angry fan write-ins, just a two month meander to the inevitable. It's kind of the Jurassic Park III of Food Network Star.

Food Network Star Week Two

Where...do...I...begin?

I think the biggest challenge this season is going to be staying invested in the contestants long enough to actually care who emerges victorious.

In past seasons, usually by week two you really get a sense of who the contenders are and who will be going home by the midpoint. This season it's anybody's game. Lenny is still the strongest contender, and he almost won me over by helping out Aryen. But then he acted like he'd somehow been robbed of the credit when Alton complimented her save of the flour. Dude, I was on your side. Grow the hell up. It's not like the cameras aren't on you constantly, capturing every decision you make.

Um, Sarah? You're whining that the challenges keep getting harder? It's the second week! Haven't you seen the show?

Emma, you're still boring. You should have gone home last week. But I can tell you that if it were up to me, I'd keep you in the competition until we get rid of that brat Loreal, because her personality is just rubbing me the wrong way. I'll happily take boring over obnoxious.

I would say I'm displeased that Luca went home instead of Kenny, but as I mentioned I really don't care. There is literally nobody in this competition that I'm rooting for. This is my fourth season watching, and I have to say it's the weakest batch of contestants I've ever seen. Lenny is my top pick purely by default.

So what does this say about the behind the scenes of the show? Did the Food Network really not screen their contestants thoroughly this year? Did they simply aim for the most attractive bunch they could find instead of examining real cooking show potential?

Here's my big question: at what point did the Food Network decide to stick Chad and Martie in the Star Salvation? Maybe this was always the plan, since Star Salvation proved to be so useless last year. Or maybe they gathered this season's contestants together, saw what they had to work with, and said "Lord, we're going to get stuck with one of these wombats, we need to bring back someone we shouldn't have eliminated."

I guess I'm being cruel, but I've seen contestants with real potential who just didn't develop over the course of the competition. I don't have a lot of hope for a bunch of contestants who are already showing such a lack of potential to blossom.

My money is still on Chad.

Food Network Star Week One

Hopefully this blog won't be a bust.

I say that because the opening episode was kind of boring. Yeah, I get that we're just getting to know the contestants, but in past seasons you usually are left with a pretty solid sense of who the real contenders are, who the villains are, you've chosen a favorite, etc.

Two contestants stood out to me tonight. The first was Lenny the gourmet cowboy or however it was he identified himself. I'm not really rooting for him per se, or even against him, but he showed a solid blend of confidence, talent and human ability to screw up that if he'd been in past seasons he could have really shined.

And that taps into the basic problem that I'm already seeing with this season, the ten contestants that didn't stand out...um...didn't stand out. They may as well be interchangeable. They all seem pleasant, happy to be there, and unmemorable. I guess, except for Emma who I'll always remember as being the one who should have been sent home tonight for being exceptionally unmemorable.

But let's talk about Donna, who was sent home and was frankly the only other contestant who caught my attention. She started off very likeable and was quickly claiming my spiritual support. Then she took the stage. Dear God, she took the stage. I'm a bit sad that Ross Matthews nailed it with his comparison of her presence to musical theater because I was really looking forward to making that point myself.

Thanks Ross. You ruined my blog. Don't get me wrong, you're awesome. But you ruined my blog.

But suffice to say, I didn't think Donna should have been kicked. It's a lot easier to tone someone down that to pump someone up, which is why Emma should have gone home. Donna had personality. Maybe a little too much. But when she was doing her personal reflections to the camera, I felt she was really quite genuine. She may have been a contender, or a villain, it was too early of a call. I suppose there's always the Star Salvation, but I'm not banking on her.

So at this point my guess is there's not an agenda from the Food Network this year. They've gathered arguably the most attractive group of contestants I've seen (even generically so) and considering the dynamics aren't really present, at least not out of the gate, perhaps the Food Network doesn't even care who wins.

Perhaps.

The wild card this year is Chad Rosenthal and Martie Duncan competing in the Star Salvation, both being fan favorites. Well, Chad was. Supposedly Martie was as well, but she made it to an audience vote and wasn't selected.

All things considered, I would not be surprised if Chad took it this year.

The Next Food Network Star

So now that I have a blog, I've decided to try doing something traditionally bloggy with it, and with The Food Network Star starting tomorrow night, this seems like the ideal outlet.

I've been watching The Next Food Network Star (or whatever they're calling it now) for the past three seasons, mainly because the rest of the household got into it and it fills the summer months when Once Upon a Time isn't airing. Let me be clear on this: I LIKE the Food Network, even if it's really become the Competition-With-Some-Food-Themes-Somewhere Network. I don't really mind so much. I get that competition draws viewers, and the channel is a business which relies on viewership. I can even respect that.

I also respect the Food Network enough to call bullshit when I see it.

So let me backtrack. In 2011 Jeff Mauro won. He wasn't my favorite, but I understand why he won. The following year was the Bobby Flay, Giada De Laurentiis and Alton Brown 'team' format. Curiously things sort of worked out where each coach had one contestant in the final round (sort of). There was never any mention in the rules from what I remember that this was going to happen, so it struck me as odd that the teams would just happen to do better or worse in such a way that it worked out so evenly in the end (again, sort of).

Now I also understand that reality television isn't reality, it's doctored. In the 2011 year Penny Davidi went down in history as the villain of the season, and she was certainly made to look so. The show kind of embellished the conflict between her and Mary Beth Albright (of 3rd Rock From the Sun?). By the end of the season Mary Beth revealed herself to be not quite the honorable contestant she'd been portrayed as, leaving me to wonder if Penny had been a bit of a punching bag by the network. But, whatever right? That's show business.

Back to 2012. Team Giada's contestant was Yvan Lemoine, and quite frankly all signs pointed to him winning. Team Alton was Justin Warner, who wound up winning and then...there went that. People were surprised that Justin won. I think we were all banking on Yvan. And I also got the sense that the Food Network wanted Yvan, but it was up to the audience to vote. They voted in Justin.

Stepping back again, here was the final lineup. Yvan on team Giada. Michelle Ragussis on Team Bobby. And the executives threw a curveball by having two of Alton Brown's team in the final episode, Justin Warner and Martie Duncan.

Why did they do this? Just for the added tension? Maybe. Or maybe the network thought two contestants would divide the audience vote for Alton Brown giving Yvan the win.

Obviously as I write this blog I'm making no apologies about speculation. These are my opinions, and I usually write fiction, so I reserve the right to be wrong. But as a fiction writer, I'm in the habit of examining character motivations and figuring out why a character suddenly behaves erratically. That's what I'm doing with this blog. I'm speculating on the character of the powers at the Food Network.

Why? Because of what happened the next year.

It was apparent that Chad Rosenthal, Nikki Dinki and Stacey Poon-Kinney were just in a different league than the rest of the competitors. All three showed very strong talent week after week. Then Chad had one bad week and he was gone. Then Nikki had one bad week and she was gone. And Stacey made it to the final four and tripped up and was gone. Leaving behind the consistently mediocre Damaris Phillips up against Rodney Henry and Russell Jackson; two very nice guys, but who'd had so many bad weeks they never should have made it to the end of the competition.

And that's why I'm calling bullshit.

You see, this was around the time that the whole Paula Deen thing blew up. This is a big maybe, but maaaayyyybeeeee the Food Network was looking for a new southern woman to replace Deen. And maaaayyyybeeeee the channel sabotaged some of the strongest competitors to pit the one they wanted against two contestants who clearly weren't going to win.

Would they do that?

Well, exhibit-what am I on now? D? E? Danushka Freaking Lysek. The part time model turned private chef who lasted three weeks in the competition and couldn't have been less interesting or demonstrate any less talent or screen presence. Then at the finale, Bobby Flay was asked if there was a contestant who he'd like to have seen more from. He chose Danushka. He said he felt she had a lot to offer or some crap like that.

I like Bobby Flay. I wish his show Three Days to Open with Bobby Flay had lasted because it had more heart than Restaurant Impossible. I don't believe he saw any talent in Danushka. I believe someone above him on the Food Chain told him to say that.

So all this to say that my respect for the Food Network unseen forces is in question, and with the show starting up again tomorrow I'm going to be watching. And blogging about what I see and critically evaluating it.

We'll see how this goes.

The Ampersand

 

 

 

 

 

Scene: The Laugh Liberation Front (unfilmed and unloved)

I used to do dinner theater at the Stardome Comedy Club, and one of my co-workers asked me to try my hand at a sketch based on this idea. I don't know if he ever did anything with it, or liked it for that matter, but I just read back over it and it made me chuckle a few times. So here it is.

Oh yeah, the more savvy of you might catch the theme of the character names I'm using here.

The Laugh Liberation Front

 

The video opens in a restaurant. Several people are pleasantly enjoying their meals and speaking indiscreetly to each other when three guys in outlandish clothing burst into the room.

 

Bob: (the unofficial leader of the LFF who speaks as if he's a heavy metal singer addressing a mosh pit). Are you ready to laugh?

 

Nobody in the restaurant is able to respond.

 

Bob: Knock knock! (there is a silent pause from the room) Can I get a 'Who's there"? (still no response) I can't hear you!

 

Man at the table: (awkwardly) We didn't say anything.

 

Bob: I can't hear you!

 

Man: (louder) We didn't say anything!

 

Bob ignores the man and turns to Chuck and Friz as if he's cuing up the opening song.

 

Bob: One! Two! Three!

 

The three of them begin running around the restaurant scatting Yakity Sax. The patrons continue their stunned silence.

Cut to the news studio with a closeup on the newscaster.

 

Mel: Good evening. I'm Mel Schaffer and this is Datebreak. Our top story is the Laugh Liberation Front, to give you an idea of what kind of news day it's been. Are they a public service or a public nuisance?

 

Friz: (from off camera) Hi out there.

 

Mel: (to Friz) Not yet. (returning to the camera) Here to share and insider's view-

 

Friz: Timing is everything.

 

Mel: (stopping him) Be quiet. Here to share an insider's view on this organization is Friz Sergei, co-founder of the LLF. Welcome.

 

Camera reveals Friz in the studio. He is wearing a clown wig and accessories. He responds by holding his hands up to the sides of his head like antlers and making a face.

 

Mel: (noticeably irritated) And also joining us is Chuck (he checks the back of the page he's reading for the last name)

 

Chuck: One name.

 

Mel: Onename? (Chuck audibly indicates correctness). I'd like to pose my first question to you Mr. Onename. (camera reveals Chuck to be dressed in regular clothing)

 

Friz: Talk to me first.

 

Mel: No.

 

Chuck: It's one name.

 

Mel: That's what I said, Mr. Onename.

 

Friz: I'm closer.

 

Mel: Be quiet.

 

Chuck: No, it's Chuck.

 

Mel: (trying to understand) Chuck.

 

Chuck: One name.

 

Mel: Yes. Chuck Onename.

 

Chuck: No!

 

Friz: I'd like to chuck one name.

 

Chuck: Just call me Chuck. It's a single name like...(he tries to think of something but Friz jumps in.)

 

Friz: Stanley.

 

Chuck: Like Stanley.

 

Mel: Okay I've got it now.

 

Friz: Actually Stan Lee is two names.

 

Mel: My first question is to you Chuck.

 

Friz: Stanley.

 

Mel: Stanley.

 

Chuck: Chuck!

 

Mel: Sorry. Chuck.

 

Friz: Onename.

 

Chuck: Friz!

 

Mel: Chuck.

 

Friz: Mel.

 

Mel pulls Friz's wig off and tosses it to the side forcing him to temporarily leave the set.

 

Mel: My first question is to you...(he pauses at a loss for the name now and just ignores it all together.) How did you get involved with the Laugh Liberation Front?

 

Chuck: A few years ago Bob and I were in line at the airport and we noticed all those signs about 'We take airport security seriously' and 'Bomb threats are not a joke to us' and it just went on and on like terrorists are going to be discouraged from blowing up a plane because airline won't find it funny and we got to thinking about how humorless the world has become. So we took a long look at what people need right now and that's to be reminded how to laugh.

 

Mel: So you founded the Laugh Liberation Front.

 

Chuck: On the nose!

 

Action cuts to a funeral service where a reverend has just begun the eulogy.

 

Reverend: There is so much we have yet to understand about why tragedy never befalls those who deserve it. Is this life merely a test of patience?

 

Bob: (entering with Chuck and Friz) Hey who died and made you sad? Let's get ready to have some fun!

 

Reverend: Not again.

 

Bob: Hey Chuck!

 

Chuck: Yes Bob!

 

Bob: Do you know why fish swim in salt water?

 

Chuck: Yes I do.

 

Bob looks accusingly at Chuck for botching the joke. Friz runs amok waving a rubber chicken.

 

Friz: Hey you want to see an impression?

 

Reverend: No!

 

Back in the studio with Friz responding to an implied question.

 

Friz: I focus on physical comedy.

 

Mel: For example?

 

Friz: Pies in the face. Squirt guns. The two by four plank on the shoulder is my favorite bit.

 

Mel: And you do this spontaneously?

 

Friz: Oh yeah. One time I took down a whole stairwell of college kids.

 

Mel: Was anyone hurt?

 

Friz: Yeah, you should have been there.

 

Cut to a bank scene where the three of them run in with toy guns with the 'Bang' flags.

 

Bob: Nobody get down on the ground! This isn't a hold up! Everyone keep doing what you're doing but laugh! (nobody moves) I said laugh damn it!

 

Chuck: Nobody's laughing.

 

Friz does an elaborate pratfall to dead silence.

 

Chuck: Maybe we should tickle someone.

 

They proceed to assault a bystander. Cut to different location shots of various people being interviewed who have encountered the LLF.

 

Information booth attendant: I'm trying to give this guy directions and these idiots come out of nowhere wanting to know how to get to Carnegie Hall. I lost three customers today!

 

Reporter: Isn't this a free service?

 

Information booth attendant: (casually sliding a handwritten sign with the information price on it out of sight) Uh...yeah.

 

Business-type: I'm sure it's all in good fun but as an elected member of the town council, I look forward to the day when we no longer need such ridiculous organizations.

 

Interviewer: You feel we need the LLF at this time?

 

Business-type: What's the LLF?

 

Interviewer: The Laugh Liberation Front.

 

Business-type: Oh, I'm sorry. No, to hell with them.

 

Interviewer: What did you think we were talking about?

 

Business-type: The town council.

 

Angry woman: This guy said 'do you want to smell this flower' and then drenched me before I could get away! And not like a single spray! He had it hooked up to a pressure hose or something, I mean look at my shirt!

 

Interviewer: Okay.

 

The interviewer stares at her chest. In the studio, Friz has taken over the spotlight.

 

Friz: The community needs us. We do the things that other people want to do but are too afraid of being judged.

 

Chuck: Or arrested.

 

Friz: Or arrested. People need to laugh. It's a biological necessity. Laughter is what separates us from cacti.

 

Chuck: And you want to be separated from cacti.

 

Friz: That wasn't my fault by the way.

 

Mel: So your philosophy is laughter is the best medicine?

 

Friz: Yes, sometimes medicine has to be forced down a patient's throat.

 

Museum shot where Bob's voice can be heard over the intercom.

 

Bob: My name is Zor. I'm your new museum curator. In accordance of the rules of the exhibitions everyone has to be naked starting now.

 

Back in the studio.

 

Chuck: It started off with an idea that two people had and then it became this huge entity all its own. We picked up Friz here.

 

Mel: And then?

 

Chuck: (after a pause) And then what?

 

Mel: That's my question.

 

Chuck: You're really weird you know that?

 

Mel: It became this huge entity because you picked up Friz and then...what?

 

Chuck and Friz exchange a glance.

 

Friz: You just don't get it do you?

 

Outdoor scene with a law enforcement official speaking into a walkie talkie. He is evidently on a stakeout.

 

Official: Unit two report in. Suspect is leaving the nightclub. Unit five do we have visual confirmation that the suspect has the parcel. Copy that unit five. All units hold position. Prepare to move in on my command.

 

Bob, Friz and Chuck run past the official singing "It's the rapture step in time" as loudly as possible. The official is bewildered.

 

Official: I'm sorry, what are we doing again?

 

Voice on the radio: Nevermind, the suspect got away.

 

In studio.

 

Chuck: I'm a huge fan of British comedy so I like to focus my talents on subtle wit. Of course that kind of humor is a little difficult for most people to grasp but I think of myself as an artist who's work has to exist for its own sake.

 

Mel: Does that mean you're not funny?

 

Chuck: It means I don't go for the easy laugh.

 

Mel: So people don't laugh.

 

Chuck: They don't laugh because they don't get it, not because it isn't funny.

 

Mel: Give me an example,

 

Chuck: Okay, just yesterday I went into a fast food place and I ordered a value meal. And I said 'can you make that drink a large?'

 

A tedious pause.

 

Mel: You're right. I don't get it.

 

Chuck: See, on the value meals the drink is already a large.

 

Mel: So it's funny because you're asking for something that you're...

 

Chuck: Going to get anyway. Yes. And of course the cashier didn't get it, but that's why it's wit.

 

Friz: (off camera) Are you getting this. I'm doing some really funny stuff over here.

 

Chuck: Just ignore him, he has a social disorder.

 

A crash is heard.

 

Mel: What was that?

 

Friz: Did you see that?

 

Cut to a doctor's office where the trio enter wearing doctor's robes.

 

Bob: Okay, we've got your prescription.

 

Patient: Who are you?

 

Chuck: Your regular doctor what's-his-name had some kind of non-medical emergency.

 

Bob: But we've got you taken care of.

 

Patient: I haven't even been examined.

 

Bob: Okay. (all three look at the patient for a few seconds. Bob hands the patient a prescription page) Do this twice a day.

 

Patient: (reading) "How do you keep an idiot in suspense?" (patient flips the page over establishing that there's nothing written on the other side. The trio begin yahooing around the room as a security guard enters)

 

Guard: You guys are going to have to come with me.

 

Friz: Haven't you heard laughter is the best medicine?

 

Guard: Tell it to the psychiatric ward.

 

Patient: Aren't you supposed to have that on the other side as well?

 

Back to the studio.

 

Mel: So you feel you're providing a service even though the city is proposing a stricter ordinance against disturbing of the peace?

 

Chuck: They're talking about car horns and stuff. People love us.

 

Mel: The LLF is mentioned by name in the proposal.

 

Chuck: LLF stands for just about anything.

 

Friz: It could be a typo.

 

Chuck: Yeah, a typo.

 

Mel: I just find it hard to believe people love you when three businesses have filed restraining orders against you guys; (thumbs through his pages) an auto mechanic, a bridal shop and a comedy club for crying out loud. I mean people go there to laugh.

 

Chuck: And you can't buy better publicity than that. I mean we're about to go national.

 

Mel: Meaning?

 

Friz: We're about to leave.

 

Mel: Good. I was afraid you were recruiting.

 

Cut to a politician speaking at a podium.

 

Politician: My fellow citizens.

 

A voice screams "Look out! He's got a pie!" The security force protects the politician as one of them takes the pie to the face. Camera pans over to see Bob being detained. Back to the studio.

 

Mel: Okay. Make me laugh.

 

Friz: A joke has to be unexpected.

 

Mel: If I hear a joke from you guys it will be unexpected.

 

Chuck: You know what? Some people have no sense of humor.

 

Friz: Let's get out of here. (they leave the stage)

 

Mel: Up next on Datebreak: Common household items that children are prone to swallowing and how you can replace them. After this. (to offscreen director) Are we replacing the items or the children?

 

Chuck and Friz: (running back on with all of their funny objects assaulting Mel) Laugh! Damn you! Laugh! Ah that was a smile!

 

Mel: It was a grimace!

 

End of broadcast