Scene: Casting Feud (these parentheses are self-explanatory)

When I worked at Walt Disney World there was a point when the entertainment department was considering filming a video to explain to the cast members what went on behind the scenes of the casting department. Apparently there was a committee of some sort that had decided to do a humorous piece of about five minutes done in the style of Family Feud to summarize said information, the idea being princesses versus villains.

Yeah, I didn't really see it either.

But somehow word had gotten to the committee that I actually had a sense of humor (I'm an introvert, by the way) as well as some sketch writing experience. As such, I was brought in to one of the meetings, handed about two pages of 'information', given the idea of what they were expecting, and turned loose with encouragement to make it as sarcastic as I felt appropriate.

What follows is the result. I didn't know which characters they were planning to use, which is why I named them characters Princess One, Villain Three, and the aptly named Some Generic Character as the host (SGC). I also made room for a commercial break that someone else was supposed to write.

From what I heard, the committee loved the sketch but they decided not to film it, something about it being complicated or SGC's soft meltdown being a little too relatable. Anyway, enjoy!

 

 

Announcer: And now it's time for the only game show that doesn't pretend to be remarkable. It's Casting Feud! Here's your host…Some Generic Character!

 

SGC: Hi everyone, welcome to the show. If you're joining us for the first time, and obviously you are, the way the game works is this. Our questions are focused on Disney Entertainment Casting. It's the intention of this program to help our entertainment cast understand what goes into casting a parade or a show. And hopefully we can also berate our contestants into a shred of their self-esteem. So let's get started. To my left is our royal family. Let's give a big hand to the Disney Princess Collection! (moves over to Princess One) How are you doing?

 

Princess One: I'm very enthusiastic about the opening of the new game show. I look forward to the positive impact it will have on communication between casting and entertainment.

 

SGC: Have you had a good experience with casting?

 

Princess One: Absolutely. This is just a dream come true.

 

SGC: Are you ready to play the game?

 

Princess One: Yes, thank you for asking. I believe you can make any experience magical just by sharing.

 

SGC: (gesturing to the rest of the princesses) And I understand they're all going to say the same thing you just said.

 

Princess One: Verbatim.

 

SGC: Okay then, to my right we have our resident villains who are obviously not going to win so let's just start the game. (Princess One and Villain One join the host at the central podium)

 

ROUND ONE

 

SGC: Our top five answers are on the board. Get ready to hit your buzzer. We asked one hundred former entertainment cast members what it takes to receive a red color code.

 

Villain One: (hitting buzzer) Shelby chooses her favorites.

 

SGC: Do we have 'Shelby chooses her favorites'? Survey says?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: Oh, good try though. Remember I said former cast members. Once you leave the company you realize that Shelby hates all of you. I could have told you that, but I didn't. Princesses have the chance to steal from the villains. (Princess One hits buzzer) I'm very pleased to have said that. Go ahead.

 

Princess One: Smiling.

 

SGC: "Smiling'. Not bad. Survey says?

 

Survey: 15

 

SGC: (over to Princess Two) How are you doing?

 

Princess Two: I'm very enthusiastic about…

 

SGC: Sorry I forgot. How do you get a red color code?

 

Princess Two: By going to color-coding?

 

SGC: That one would have slipped past me. 'Going to color coding'. Survey says?

 

Survey: 11

 

SGC: (to Princess Three) We still have three answers on the board. How do you get a red in color-coding?

 

Princess Three: By dressing provocatively?

 

SGC: 'Dressing provocatively'? It could work. Our survey says?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: Oh sorry. That's how you get approved in face.

 

Princess Three: Oh that's right.

 

SGC: Not to worry. You still have two strikes left. Three answers.

 

Princess Four: By having the Royal Ballet Academy on your resume.

 

SGC: Professional dance experience? Makes sense. 'Professional dance experience'?

 

Survey: XX

 

SGC: Oh, that's right. It actually works against you. (to Princess Five) How do you get a red at color-coding?

 

Princess Five: Um…like…doing well at the audition?

 

SGC: Ability?

 

Princess Five: Okay.

 

SGC: 'Ability'. Survey says?

 

Survey: 27

 

SGC: (returning to Princess One). Two strikes and two answers left on the board.

 

Princess One: How about, by going to workshops?

 

SGC: Workshops. That's what they're there for isn't it? 'Workshops'?

 

Survey: 19

 

SGC: (to Princess Two) We still have the top answer on the board. How do you get a red in color-coding?

 

Princess Two: By dressing provocatively.

 

SGC: (sighing) Oh it's going to be a long game. 'Dressing provocatively'. Survey says?

 

Survey: XXX

 

SGC: Well that was unexpected. Seventy-two points on the board and the villains have a chance to steal. What do you think?

 

Villain One: By sneaking into the second routine.

 

SGC: Do we have 'color coding sabotage' on the board? Survey says?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: Princesses win the round with seventy-two points! One hundred former cast members were asked how to get a red in color-coding. Let's see our number one answer.

 

Survey: 'What's color coding?'

 

SGC: Oh, no wonder no one got that. On to round two. (Villain Two and Princess Two arrive at the podium)

 

ROUND TWO

 

SGC: We asked one hundred Partners in Excellence nominees if it really mattered to them. And then we asked them the following question and their top three answers are on the board. Get ready to hit your buzzers. 'What is the videotape at the color coding audition used for?' (Princess Two hits the villain's buzzer) Okay, you need to hit your own buzzer if you want to answer.

 

Princess Two: But I don't know.

 

SGC: Well what do I care? I'm hourly. (to Villain Two) Have at it.

 

Villain Two: To laugh at us later.

 

SGC: That would be my guess. Show me 'to laugh at us later'. Survey says?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: Sorry about that. You see, casting actually laughs at you at the audition. Wrong guess, but not to worry. Your opponent has made it clear she's at a loss. Still, it's in the rulebook. (to Princess Two) So, what do you say? What are the videotapes at the audition used for?

 

Princess Two: I don't know.

 

SGC: Well we're certainly going to be laughing at you later on this videotape so take a shot.

 

Princess Two: I really don't know.

 

SGC: Try something off the wall. We have to get in a commercial at some point.

 

Princess Two: (thinking carefully) I don't know.

 

SGC: Whatever then. Show me 'I don't know'. Survey says?

 

Survey: 17

 

SGC: No freaking way! The Royal Family takes control by dumb luck. (to Princess Three) The videotapes at color-coding. What are they used for?

 

Princess Three: The Amazing Race?

 

SGC: Oh yes, and on top of everything else I picked up Spectro tonight. Show me 'The Amazing Race'. It's got to be better than this. Survey says?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: I'm not even going to pretend to be shocked. (to Princess Four) What do you think?

 

Princess Four: So casting doesn't have to pay attention to us?

 

SGC: After The Amazing Race I wouldn't blame them. 'So they don't have to pay attention'. Survey says?

 

Survey: XX

 

SGC: There it is, the double x. Casting actually does the color coding at the audition, so they arguably have to pay attention. The videotape doesn't have an effect on your score. And neither did your answer for that matter. (to Princess Five) The novelty of this game show has dissipated so how about giving me a correct answer.

 

Princess Five: To what?

 

SGC: To the question.

 

Princess Five: I wasn't paying attention.

 

SGC: What are the videotapes at color-coding used for?

 

Princess Five: To record over the training class videos?

 

SGC: Are you just guessing?

 

Princess Five: It makes sense doesn't it?

 

SGC: You know your team already has two strikes right?

 

Princess Five: Uh-huh.

 

SGC: I can't believe I bet on the outcome of this game. Show me whatever she said.

 

Survey: XXX

 

SGC: Villains get a chance to steal. Lucky villains. What do you say? Top two answers on the board. What are the videotapes at the color coding audition used for?

 

Villain One: To video tape the audition.

 

SGC: Human resources is about to get a very long phone message. 'To video tape the audition'. Survey devoid of human decency says?

 

Survey: 39

 

SGC: The villains have successfully taken round two. Good one princess unit. I'm obligated to ask this but what was the number one answer?

 

Survey: A resource 44

 

SGC: Yes, morons. The videotape is a resource. If a cast member has a question about their score, casting can use the videotape to show the cast member how they got coded. I'm going to go lay down for a bit and we'll be back after this.

 

Commercial Break

 

SGC: We're back. For those of you just joining us for Casting Feud the princesses are technically in the lead with 72 points from the first round. The villains have 56 from round two when the princesses seriously dropped the ball. The shop steward's on his way but in the mean time, let's play round three.

 

ROUND THREE

 

SGC: (Princess Three and Villain Three join SGC at the podium) This is the round that will decide the winner. Hands on the buzzers. We asked one hundred Cinderellas 'When you have a question about casting, who can you contact?'

 

(Neither contestant hits the buzzer for several moments)

 

SGC: (surrendering) Tell you what, I have a five year breakfast coming up on a few months. I'll just cover this one myself. You can call anyone on the casting team, which are Shelby Lomen, Darla Hancock, Saroya Zedeh, and Karen Peetoom. Or you can e-mail them at Ishouldprobablyeditthisout@emailaddress.com.
 

 

Princess Three: You can call them?

 

SGC: Apparently so. Okay let's try a different question. Our top four answers are on the board. Get ready to hit. We asked casting one hundred times 'I've entered my preferences a dozen times, why am I still not being trained?'

 

(Villain Three strikes the Princess).

 

SGC: Okay, you just forfeited control of the round.

 

Villain Three: I don't care.

 

SGC: Good animation though. (helps Princess Three to her feet) How are you doing?

 

Princess Three: I'm very enthusiastic about…

 

SGC: (to Villain Three) Come hit her again. Never mind. Why would casting tell someone they aren't being trained?

 

Princess Three: Because they're not a cast member?

 

SGC: Once again I'm caught off guard by the obvious. Survey say?

 

Survey: X

 

SGC: That answer sucked anyway. (to Princess Four) How would casting explain to a cast member that they aren't being trained in a role?

 

Princess Four: Because they aren't in the height range?

 

SGC: At the risk of sounding optimistic, survey says?

 

Survey: XX

 

SGC: You know I honestly thought that would have been an easy cop out for them. (to Princess Five) You have four answers on the board and two strikes. Any ideas as to how not to leave this show in bitter defeat?

 

Princess Five: Because you're on the college program?

 

SGC: Are you out of your mind? You honestly think casting would say that? The number one complaint full time cast members have is -ah forget it. Go ahead survey.

 

Survey: XXX

 

SGC: There. Now you're disapproved. Go grab a Pluto head. (over to villains) So what do you have for us?

 

Villain One: Because preferencing multiple times doesn't affect casting, it only means the casting coordinator has to hide the multiple entries.

 

SGC: And you know this because?

 

Villain One: She keeps begging us to stop.

 

SGC: Okay, sorry Walt. There is no imagination left in the world. Survey show me 'Multiple preferencing invalid'.

 

Survey: 22

 

SGC: (throwing hands up) That's it. Number two answer. Villains win. Villains know more than princesses about casting. But before we throw in the towel let's look at the other three answers. 'I've preferenced a dozen times and I'm still not being trained.' Casting's number four answer?

 

Survey: Conflict with cast member's vacation 5

 

SGC: Number three?

 

Survey: Budget feasibility 9

 

SGC: And Casting's number one answer to, 'Why am I not being trained?'

 

Survey: Oh shut up 64

 

SGC: Well that tears it then. Thank you for joining us for this abomination. We'll see you next time on Casting Feud. (muttering) I can't believe I got scheduled this.

 

Announcer: Some of our contestants received poor judgement reprimands. Portions of this program have been grieved but regrettably did not affect the outcome of the game. Casting Feud was filmed before a live studio audience could make it into the building.