The Carousel: PhantomCon's Panel Transcript (part one)

This was just a silly thing I did when the inspiration hit me. I made up a convention where my characters went as guests to participate in a panel discussion for a fictional fan base. I've always enjoyed the concept of fictional characters being self-aware of their roles in stories, and how they might have opinions about the way they are portrayed.

Math: Okay everyone, welcome to our first official Carousel panel. I’m Brandon Mathias. Better known as Math. Reluctantly. (laugh) We’re all really excited that the project has been inching forward and we’d like to thank all of our muses and supporters who have been driving us to keep at it over these past, I guess six? Seven years now? A lot longer for Zel. (laugh) I was going to give some back story, but…who cares right? Let’s bring out the girls. To my right, your hostess and narrator Caris Roberts! (applause) And to my left your protagonist extraordinaire Zelphina Blade! (more applause).

Zel: Thank you.

Caris: Thank you all so much!

(delightful snickering)

Zel: What is it?

Caris: You’re smiling sweetie.

Zel: I always smile. (laughter)

Math: Have you read the book? (laughter)

Zel: I don’t HAVE to read the book. Have you read it?

Math: No, I think it would just depress me. In fact I don’t know if I should be in the center.

Caris: I think the PR people prefer it.

Zel: Or maybe they don’t. (laughter)

Caris: Okay, thank you guys again for inviting us to PhantomCon. I don’t know how many fictional characters ever get to have imaginary panel discussions. Should I thank our writer for setting this up?

Zel: Probably not.

Math: No.

(laughter)

Zel: Writers don’t do well with compliments.

Caris: Well on behalf of the cast- (blows a kiss. More applause from the imaginary audience whose hands are getting a little tired). Okay, so what do you guys want to know?

Math: (listening) She says “What is the life of a fictional character like?”

Zel: Sorry we couldn’t get a mic out there, but this is just being transcribed.

Caris: That’s a really good question. Do either of you want to take that one?

(Zel nods to Math)

Math: Well, it kind of sucks. (laughter) For me anyway. I mean I’m kind of the token ‘guy’ character in the story, if that’s an archetype. I’m kind of on call for whenever I’m needed for a draft and then usually trimmed out. So, I mean it’s not a bad life. I have the privilege of a consistent name.

Zel: And a nickname.

Math: I think Caris was the one who suggested the name ‘Math’ and the fact that it stuck is probably why I have a role at all. I am sitting between two of the most beautiful sexiest women and they’re both off limits!

(laughter and applause)

Math: Thank you for enjoying my torment.

(laughter)

Caris: Well I think the lack of definition makes you more relatable.

Math: Some decent lines might not hurt.

Zel: If it helps, I’ve known our writer a lot longer. His male characters are defined by what they do.

Caris: Kind of like real men.

Math: Okay, we’ve got some hands up. Do either of you want to take the question on the table?

Zel: What was the question?

Math: What is the life of a fictional character like?

Zel: Well don’t you guys know? (laughter) My life as a fictional character. I consider myself one of the lucky ones. My writer makes me miserable. Literally. In the plots I’m always miserable.

Caris: Sometimes you upgrade to withdrawn.

Zel: I’m smiling on the inside. (light applause)

Math: They liked my misery more.

Zel: Misery’s interesting. I like to think I’m an interesting character and it’s wonderful to be so active and to have those ‘how would Zel react to this’ questions. Half the time I don’t know when I’m being written or just danced with but it’s been such an incredible journey so far.

Caris: My writer’s wife created me, so I’ve gotten to cross from one mind to another, and the most giddy feeling I ever get is when she says “I love what you’re doing with Caris”. There are lots and lots of fictional characters and probably the majority of them never even get written down. I’m very blessed that I get to feel alive. I don’t know how many fictional characters actually feel that way.

Zel: Probably Bugs Bunny.

(laughter)

Math: Okay go ahead. (Math listens) Are you two really in a relationship?

Zel: Of course. I pity anyone who comes between us.

(Math surrenders his hands to much laughter)

Caris: We are. It’s the heart of the story. Our writer and his wife have a very loving marriage and quite a bit of those elements translate into the relationship. And while we never set out to have any kind of political agenda, I think there’s a lot of room in fiction for healthy same-sex relationships and probably a need to offer them. Again, we didn’t plan it that way. It’s just kind of a nice development.

Math: I was actually supposed to be the love interest.

(laughter)

Caris: He was! I remember that! But I think we all knew that it was never going to work out in the long run. That’s another type of relationship that gets neglected in fiction. The male-female friendship where both participants are happy with it that way.

Math: How did we ever change that?

Caris: I think it was…

Math: This one. (pointing accusingly at Zel)

Zel: I think our writer realized I was due for a win. (laughter) I think I’ve died twice now? Maybe three times? And somehow it’s always been related to unrequited love.

Caris: Zel was a dreadfully wounded character who existed- do we say existed? We’re not really living. But we’re active.

Zel: Existed.

Caris: Zel existed for like fourteen years before either of us, and that was before our writer found the peace that only comes from meeting the right person, so I think Zel’s woundedness was just begging to be fixed.

Zel: Not all the way of course.

(laughter)

Caris: So, yeah. On page and off. We’re proudly in a relationship.

Math: We have a question from the back. Why don’t you swear?

Zel: That one’s yours honey.

(laughter)

Caris: You know how you walk into a store sometimes with enough money for one dress and you’re expecting that you’re going to spend hours indulging yourself by trying stuff on and then you spot the perfect outfit as you go through the door and think, well hell, there goes my adventure. That was one of those character defining moments. It just fit. And so because I’m the narrator it means nobody swears.

Zel: In English anyway.

Math: Yeah, how many languages do you know?

Zel: However many is needed.

Caris: I believe the school of thought is that a character becomes somehow more relatable if they’re given a bit of a mouth, and I understand the logic behind it but I don’t necessarily agree with it. For one thing I don’t find vulgarity to be attractive. And being a fictional character when there’s the ability to distance from reality why not take it? Like, real people get sinus headaches on a regular basis but characters never do unless the plot justifies it. So like when questions about menstrual cycles come up I always wonder why people care about that. I wonder if the Muppets ever get questions like that.

Math: I think Bert and Ernie get nagged about sexuality a lot.

Caris: Exactly! And why? Some things just aren’t important in the context of specific characters.

Zel: I’ve gotten some inquiries about the physiology of demons and I can’t ever answer them. Obviously a story has to have an internal logic but when you have a complicated back story like I do physiology becomes irrelevant.

Math: Weren’t you and Anomaly sisters at one point?

Zel: Briefly yes, and not like a ‘we tried out a plot point and it didn’t work’ thing but it’s an actual footnote in our characters’ history. I don’t think it ever has to be addressed because it’s not important, but there it is.

Math: What can you tell us about Lotus?

Zel: Oh gods, as little as possible. Lotus sprung from a second edition Dungeons and Dragons campaign which eventually phased out the rules and just became interactive story telling. I don’t think I even had a character sheet.

Caris: I actually started on Lotus too.

Zel: You did, didn’t you? You actually had a character sheet. It was the last game ever played on Lotus. But for all purposes, Caris of the Carousel is an earthling, so there’s an example of let’s not worry about it.

Caris: I had a character sheet and everything. I have no idea where it is now, but it’s so wonderful to have made the jump into fiction from there. It’s like a lucky break.

Zel: Weren’t you a…

Math: A half-mage?

(the panel laughs)

Caris: I was! My player/creator had never played the game before and it really is a lot to absorb on your first go, and I think she got the definitions of races and classes crossed so I became known as like a half-elf half-mage or something.

Math: How long did you play?

Caris: Not long. Maybe six or seven sessions. That’s actually where Ericka came from as well. She was supposed to betray the party but then my character and her character got attached and that kind of changed the dynamic.

Math: I got a smidge of role playing time but no character sheet. I think I started out in nanowrimo. If I’d been on Lotus I would have been an NPC.

Zel: I don’t know. I think we could have developed you more in a sci-fi setting. We had a lot of characters who never even started out with names who kind of grew on us, as opposed to the ones we flat out stole from Naoko Takeuchi.

Math: If you’d had a character sheet what would it have looked like?

Zel: Dexterity through the roof. Lotus was basically a power gamer campaign so we all had demigod stats. Probably above average intelligence and wisdom, which would actually have put me at the bottom of my class. I was a fantasy princess so I’d have had a charisma bonus. A regenerative constitution. Strength I have no idea. I was built for speed not force.

Math: What race and class?

Zel: Oh boy, let me think. I was kind of that bard-ish mage/rogue overlay, but then I had the combat skills and I was really close to the deities. So if there was an ultra-multiclass that was just greedy for abilities that would have been me. Race-wise we usually just went with a general tiefling and called it a night, but I’ve probably got more dragon in me than anything else.

Caris: So that makes you the princess and the dragon.

Zel: With the double heaping of arrogance.

(laughter)

Math: Okay, this sounds like a fun one. If you guys went to Gotham City.

Zel: Like how much trouble would we get in? Or who would we get along with?

Math: I guess it’s a ‘how would you do in a Batman storyline’?

Caris: I’d get kidnapped.

Math: I’d either be killed or psychologically and physically scarred.

Caris: I think you’d actually make a really good villain.

Math: Really?

Caris: Yeah. You could be the Math Magician! Like, your brain translates everything you see into its mathematical formula so you always know where to stand or what to do to never be hurt. It’s like being psychic but with a scientific explanation.

Zel: Like having a spider sense.

Math: Nice! When can we go?

(laughter)

Zel: I have no idea. I’d probably wind up killing somebody.

Math: Anyone in particular?

Zel: Actually, if it were up to me I’d go in and break the Joker’s hands off.

Math: That’s a pretty good idea. I wonder why Batman never thought of that.

Caris: Probably because DC needs the Joker up and about.

Math: If you and Batman fought, who would win?

Zel: If we were anywhere but a DC comic I would totally kick his butt. But in DC’s world Batman always has to win, otherwise the river Thames would turn to blood or something. So it would have to wind up being a draw.

Caris: How would you do against other superheroes?

Zel: Superman could take me down, no question. And probably Wonder Woman. The Flash would be a toss-up. I’m not that familiar with DC’s lineup but I think I could handle anyone else. From Marvel I’m not really worried about anyone except maybe Rogue, and even then if she absorbed my energy it might destroy her anyway.

Caris: What about Vampirella?

Zel: Why would we fight?

(laughter)

Math: Who would win in a pillow fight?

Zel: The audience.