The King and Me
Siam needs a teacher to turn scientific.
The king sends a letter which states this specific.
So Anna and Louis arrive in Siam
With trunks full of dresses and boxes of spam.
They sing and they dance 'til the right Captain Orton
Says, "Clear that away! We got Amazons boardin'"
The Kralahome enters to argue the letter
And gets the advantage since his dress looks better.
Interpreter's beat up, and Anna gets sassed.
"Crawl on home, Kralahome! I'm upperclassed!"
So Orton yells, "Ma'am, don't ya give 'em no lip!"
But Anna's bananas and sick of his ship.
With the Kralahome's courage restored
The right Captain swears to the Lord.
The workers grab boxes
And one of them knocks his
Ship's rail, from the bow, overboard*.
The King is a sexist and also a louse.
He bickers with Anna about her new house.
After an hour our Tuptim arrives
Since one of the Amazons drinks while he drives.
Lady Thiang has some thoughts of her own.
Her son (after all) is the heir to the throne.
Then the King calls his wives with demonstrative power.
They're all wearing curtain they've ripped off the shower.
They flip Anna's dress up with awe in their haste.
Compared to their bath towels it seems such a waist.
The children are nestled with come outs and go ins
To learn the new language from Miss Leonowens.
Their father gives kind criticism
As the schoolroom breaks into a schism.
They got laryngitis
On words like 'Antidis-
Establishmentarianism'.
There's news from abroad and the palace is skittish
To make an impression on visiting British.
By this scene Miss Anna's in charge of the King
And Louis, her son, hasn't done a damn thing.**
Our Tuptim is going to leave at the moon
And follow her bliss to her dear crazy Lun.
The Kralahome, still with his mind on Thiang
Announces the redcoats with "Gongfinnarang!"***
And then comes the glorious climactic scene:
Uncle Tom's Cabin by Mad Magazine,
Complete with a chorus that laughed between chants,
So much that one wife wound up peeing her pants.****
Our Tuptim was ready to go
Like Eliza's escape through the snow.
With the play as her cover
She ran for her lover.
They both wound up dead. What a ho.
We finally come to the close of this act.
The King's on his deathbed and Kralahome's hacked.
Anna decides to stay on as the teacher
Since Sire will soon join the dead Burmese screecher.
Prince Chula (the King now) is in for a trip:
He's head of Siam and he can't even dip.
And to Rodgers and Hammerstein, how did this sell?
It's a musical comedy- tragic as hell.
So the King's going out with a bang
And Anna's still stuck with the gang.
Princess Ying Yaowalak
Gets to dress up in black
And the Kalahome marries Thiang.
*This was the highlight of our opening night to everyone except the people in the orchestra pit.
**Louis was my role. He was eleven. I was seventeen. I was two inches taller than Anna.
***This was a play off an inside (and quite likely, racially insensitive) joke at McKinley that I never fully understood, but everyone at school who read my poem thought this was the funniest line. Well, you don't have to get the joke to tell it I guess.
****I have it on good authority that this happened. Melissa said so.
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