200th Blog: The Wooly Side's Open Mic Night (and a Cow Named Rover)

Somewhere in the ether of my wandering attention span, I imagine there's a little out of the way tavern called the Solla Saloon (probably down the road from The Flowing Fountain, but a bit more geared towards alcohol instead of coffee). On this particular night, or day, whenever you're reading this, I like to imagine the various characters who have appeared so far in my blogs are congregating for a little social interaction. Everyone from Marguerite to the lamb and the fox have gathered around various tables and corners of the dance floor. Copyrighted characters like Scooby-Doo and the whole Disney lot were sent invitations, which likely never made it to their recipients. But when you have a Kamyl, an Ostrich, and an Ampersand walking into a bar legalities just get in the way.

I poke my head in to see how things are going, trying not to draw too much attention to myself. It seems like they've taken a little break from the soundboard music and are having an impromptu talent show. Zelphina has just surrendered the microphone to somebody named Deitrick (one of my characters I regrettably don't even remember). He brings out a guitar and begins strumming the repetitive chords to The Beverly Hillbillies.

Deitrick (singing):

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named Fred.
A lot of us thought he was out of his head.
He lived like a hermit in the jungle of Siberia
And he did a summer study on the culture of Assyria.

Then one day he was huntin' Easter eggs,
Tripped on a rope that was fastened to some kegs.
His gun shot off with a thunder through the silence,
But lucky for the censors he avoided any violence.

The bullet made its way to the trunk of a tree.
Of course the sudden impact pulled the bottom free.
The tree hit another, and so on down the rows,
And fifty came down like a line of dominoes. (The toy, that is. Not the pizza.)

The trees bounced back to their normal standing place.
A look of perplexion came across our buddy's face.
He jumped like a loony and he shouted with glee.
"I have just discovered a new type of rubber tree!"

Now to see this sight would have really been a scare,
So all of Fred's friends said, "Move away from there!
"You know that Californy is the place you ought to be!"
But instead he packed his bags and he moved to Tennessee.

Now that's not the end of this version of my tale,
But if you want the rest you'll have to order through the mail-

At which point he stops playing entirely and meanders off the stage, handing the guitar to Zelphina (who seems as confused as I am). But everyone else apparently has enjoyed the performance as they applaud Deitrick's contribution.

Zelphina takes center stage.

Zelphina:

Thank you Deitrick. That really gave us quite a lot to consider thinking about later if we feel like it. Up next we have a recitation from Jeremy Bentham AKA the mummy, as he presents Wholesome Solvent 10: Death Drop Dead.

Jeremy The Mummy:

Death, be not proud, though some dread thee with praise,
For I'm drinking milk, and I'm growing these days,
And milk hath the calcium grams that I needeth,
Potassium, phosphorus, Vitamin C- death,
Magnesium, sodium, protein and zinc,
And what I shan't drink I shall pour down the sink.
My bones will grow strong (though my skin will decay)
This I owe to my friends the U.S.R.D.A.
And shouldst thou seek me early with culprits or strainers
My face shall appear on the backs of containers
And thus dearest death, I've evaded thy mystery.
I shall remain and then thou shallt be history.

Zelphina:

Let's hear it then for our resident link to the afterlife and his public service announcement. Up next is a dear friend of ours over at the Carousel, Becky Emerson. She's presenting a liturgical-styled dance that she's choreographed herself to an untitled piece known colloquially as a diminishing verse. Please welcome her warmly.

(Note: Since Becky's dance doesn't translate well into blog narrative, only the lyrics are presented here.)

Last night a dream became reality in my slumber

And even though I am not able to encumber

It all I continue to feel the memories

Of passion, warmth, and securities

That I shared in my embrace,

Of which I still can place

Strong arms entwined

In my body and mind

As I wake to cry

So I'll know

What I've

Dreamed

Is as

Real

As

I

Zelphina:

Beautiful, Becky. Now please provide a certain degree of tolerance to the Wooly Side's very own Detective Nathaniel Guffey of The Wax Buzzard Files, who I may or may not have known for longer than I realize. He's here tonight to present an hors d'oeurve platter of non-sequiturs which should, in his own words, "leave you wanting something else".

Guffey:

1. Is every personal pronoun here tonight, or is it just me?
2. I've decided to start my own non-profit business. I'm selling things nobody wants.
3. If I had to describe my life in one word I wouldn’t bother.
4. I’ll say one thing. Any requests?
5. Twenty minutes with the bed sheets this morning and one side is still higher than the other. I literally can’t even.
6. So how long does it usually take you guys to get ready to rock?
7. I get so tired of hearing lullabies.
8. I feel lousy. I really need to stop exercising.
9. The other day at the gym some schmuck tried to steal an exercise bike. He obviously didn’t get very far. But it still took me half an hour to chase him down because I was on the treadmill.
10. I worked the register at a movie rental place when a mom walked up with her screaming kid and set a copy of Shark Tale on the counter. I gave her the pitch for the rewards card like I was supposed to and she refused. I tried again explaining the benefits but she still wasn’t interested. So I said, “Ma’am, your teeth are ugly, your kid’s annoying, and you have no taste in movies. Now you know I’m not lying. The card is a good deal.”
11. Lip-sync battle finale coming up, and I’m going in all-or-nothing with “Tequila”.
12. I had the most painless experience with the DMV today. I didn’t go.
13. I took second place in an underachieving contest. Better than I expected.
14. But I really want to be a better perfectionist.
15. I guess, technically, I am always in a mood. It goes without saying.
16. I finally played an old Pokemon game. I managed to catch 22. I have mixed feelings about that.
17. Do you ever feel the animals in the petting zoo are silently judging you? I think they’re making poker faces behind my back.
18. Nobody seems impressed that I can get jiggy without it.
19. I’m filing a civil action suit against the Village People. I stayed at the YMCA and it wasn’t fun.
20. I let myself down this past holiday season. I only managed to jingle part of the way.
21. But all things in balance. I try to do a good deed every day. In case I want to mug somebody later.
22. All my friends keep trying to talk me out of giving into peer pressure. They set me up on an expiration date. It didn’t end well.
23. I know when I’m not wanted. It’s like 3:45 in the morning.
24. Is now a good time to mention my watch has stopped?
25. I called Domino's. I asked for an impersonal pan pizza. They left it on the counter for whoever. I used to be enthusiastic about placing the order, but lately I’ve been phoning it in.
26. I took the “Which Phantom Menace character are you?” test. I got “For the last time, you weren’t IN that movie!”
27. Completely wasted meeting with my accountant. He told me the numbers just weren’t there. I had nothing to add.
28. I’m a walking contradiction because I’m not walking.
29. One of the biggest things to keep in mind is a whale.
30. I didn’t get the humanitarian award this year. They’re biased against mean people.
31. I want to invite everyone to an ice cream antisocial. Just, whenever you want, have some.
32. So this guy walks into a bar after they’re closed. No joke.

Zelphina:

So I'm about to introduce our friend the Big Bad Wolf, which is a sentence I never thought I would say. He'll be coming out to perform "Insomnia", a hard rock piece modeled after the style of Lacuna Coil. He'll be joined by my incorrigible girlfriend Caris-

Caris:

(from the floor) Take off your top!

Zelphina:

-who serves as my constant reminder that special things lie beneath the surface. But while they're coming up to the stage, I want to tell you a little story; it might shine some light on why we're all here. It's December of 1977, and a church music director named Miss Hill is in charge of the various choirs that sing throughout the services; including the Cherub Choir, made up of predominantly kindergarten and first grade children. One boy, who has only recently turned five, shows up to a Christmas program rehearsal with a five year old's 'friend'; the cow figurine, borrowed from his family's manger scene. The boy proudly shows off his companion to Miss Hill and the other children, introducing her by name. 

Rover.

Now this is coming from a five year old, who was still untouched by the adult filter of insincerity. A cow named Rover was not tongue in cheek, or a punchline of absurdity. This figurine in the boy's hand was a metaphor for the real living, breathing cow in his imagination, whose name happened to be Rover. Rover the Cow was a fictional character given life by nothing more than the mere assignment of an unusual name. And the other children in the choir, as well as Miss Hill, were able to witness this character in their own minds based on nothing more than a single word.

Skipping ahead to May of 1978, Miss Hill was vacating her position as music director and moving into the next chapter of her life. She took a few moments in front of the congregation to say thank you, farewell, and to share some of her fondest memories from her position. The last one she mentioned was the time a child came to rehearsal with a cow named Rover. A delighted laugh came from every voice in the sanctuary, as the mere mention of Rover the Cow's name summoned her into the minds of the entire congregation. Rover had been real to the child, and then to Miss Hill, and then to a sanctuary of church goers.

That, as they say...is magic.

(cue the music)

Insomnia...

Insomnia...

Ceiling fan is groaning, open molars of verruca
And the wooden rafters creaking in the hall
Headlights from the highway ricocheting off the cobwebs
In the corners where they crash into the wall

Lying for an hour to myself and to the twilight
Draped in fabricated solace for a gown
Chanting self-hypnosis. Counting sheep and respiration games
My feet are drawing circles
And they still won't settle down

I've got insomnia
I've balanced every checkbook that I own
So much insomnia
With voices and a tenor saxophone
I've got insomnia
The sandman has a scarcity of sand
But not insomnia
The things I'd do if I had strength to stand
I've got insomnia

Sighing through a grimace. Even crickets are surrendering
The time is on somebody else's side
Praying for a nightmare, get these shadows off my back
And pour another glass of warm paraldehyde

I seem to have forgotten if my eyes are closed or open
As I slip into monotony and doubt
I wonder why the darkness and the light have such contention
And they chose the cloister of my brain
To sort their issues out

Through my insomnia
It's solitary prison in my bed
And there's insomnia
A hamster wheel is spinning in my head
It's called insomnia
A tidal wave of thoughts without a lull
Because- insomnia
Find me a pen and ram it through my skull
I've got insomnia

Night has come and gone, the stars are drifting off to slumber
And the pheasants greet the sun's impending rise
Visions in the room of purple goats and floating magazines
And copper hammers filled with fireflies

Rolling off the mattress where my heels impact the floorboard
And my skeleton collapses in a heap
Lousy with commitments and a stream of expectations
Good morning everybody
And damn you all to sleep

Insomnia
With vertigo at thoughts of getting dressed
Too much insomnia
The floor is nice, the gentle taste of rest
Thanks to insomnia
I'm cashy cow my palace epson tea
I've got insomnia
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Insomnia

Zelphina:

Lovely, and unfortunately relatable. That pretty much wraps up our potpourri of presentations. I want to thank you all for coming out tonight. Please help yourself to some food. I'm sure there will be lots of dancing-

Caris:

Take off your top!

Zelphina:

-and alcohol will be guiding us towards our inevitable destination. But I want to leave you with a few choice words from our resident bard herself, and I hope you'll join us again for our 300th blog some time over the next four or five years. Kungaloosh!

A dreamer doesn't buy advice or worship regulations.
A dreamer doesn't nail a price on selfish celebrations.
A dreamer's path is everywhere. A dreamer's wrath is home.
A dreamer: prone to solitaire, their humble catacomb.

The stars entice their wounded eye while sunbeams tip their tongues.
Their ladders stretch into sky, with clouds instead of rungs
A dreamer's dreams are what they seem; the muses and the gods,
To dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream and dream no matter what the odds.

Editorial: Eight Video Game Characters Who Deserve a Comeback

What could be more fun than a stroll down Nostalgia Avenue? Alone? At night? With a dead car battery and no cell phone? I don't know why you'd be carrying a dead car battery, but put it down and let's talk video games.

Our species is one of narrative. It's in our nature to weave stories; given any two variables and we'll certainly draw a connection between them regardless of how absurd.

The modern video game has expanded well beyond the horizons of anything we could have predicted back in the days of Galaxian. We didn't know why space invaders in color were hovering over us or why we needed to shoot them down. We just accepted the premise as was and focused all of our aggression on those rat bastard purple guys that flew more erratically than the green ones.

But imagine trying to remake that game today. Elements like back story, motivation, and believable character resolution have become so commonplace that we only notice when these things are omitted. This is a good thing. But in the evolution of video games, I feel there have been a few old/really old school characters that never lived up to their full potential; be it technical limitations, budget issues, or simple oversights by the developers.

So here then to shine a little light on some of the old birds who still have some life in them, I give you eight video game characters who deserve a comeback.

1. The Bat (Adventure 1979, Atari)

You don't get much more old school that this. In case I need to explain Adventure, this was the great grandparent of every role playing dungeon crawl ever to grace the television screen. There were three difficulty levels, and going from beginner to intermediate was one hell of a spike. In addition to mazes that barely made sense and up to three giant ducks that we're calling dragons, there was the freaking Bat.

What did the Bat do, you ask? The Bat took things. Things that you needed. And carried them around while you tried your damnedest to position your graham cracker of an avatar in the right spot to retrieve the thing that you needed. What was the Bat going to do with the things it took? Nothing. Just fly around with it like a Labrador that snatches up your work's security card and thinks the list of every obscenity in your lexicon that you shout at it is an indication that you want to chase it around the whole neighborhood.

The Bat would pick up literally anything. Your sword, leaving you unarmed. The bridge, leaving you stranded. It could even carry one of the duck-dragons while it was still alive, turning its personal game of keep away into execution tag. And you couldn't do ANYTHING about it except hope.

The update

We no longer accept games placing themselves in unwinnable situations (that has to be reserved for player stupidity). As such, we need a fantasy type game like Skyrim or Diablo where weapons and treasures are plentiful and a kleptomaniac Bat is more of a nuisance than a game killer.

I suggest that the player's character is a sort of beastmaster. At the lower levels you can form a companionship with animals like rabbits, and the upper levels lead you to the most powerful creature (the dragon of course). The Bat is an optional animal to master, and one of the most complicated; probably luring it to you with only the most expensive shiny objects. But once you've succeeded in taming the thing, not only do you have access to whatever hoard it has amassed throughout your game but you're given the option of controlling it. Imagine a flight-based stealth mission to retrieve some of the coolest treasures without having to fight your way to them.

2. The Black Knight (Black Knight 1980, pinball)

My memory is a little hazy. I'm probably referring more to the sequel Black Knight 2000, released in 1989. Steve Ritchie is considered one of the all time great pinball designing gurus, with a particular flair for 'flow'. Flow, as I've only just learned, refers to those metallic tunnels and ramps that keep a ball moving in all directions without losing its velocity.

The character of the Black Knight was one of those rare characters that not only broke the fourth wall but addressing the player directly but was also self aware as a fictional antagonist. "Give me your money!" was his war cry (voiced by Ritchie himself). Interestingly enough, there was no defeating the Black Knight. Pinball machines are like most old school arcade games; there is no official ending. You play until you lose, or drop (and then lose). You may be able to defeat other players' scores but you would eventually have to give up against the machine.

The update

The self awareness is what fascinates me the most about this character. Pinball doesn't really translate to modern systems, but a lot of fun could be had from a game based on medieval tournaments. Imagine a series of mini-games involving jousting, archery, sword fighting, and whatever the hell else people did back then. You start off as a rummy commoner and have to build yourself up in prestige and skill to even be worthy of the Black Knight's taunts. He may even sabotage you a few times throughout your journey. And all things being equal, the guy is unbeatable.

However the game has a built in cheat system which you're encouraged to use until you finally make yourself invincible. When you go this route, you essentially become the Black Knight, who earned his reputation as being the best by underhanded means. Video games need to teach more lessons in ethics.

3. Crazy Climber (1980, Arcade)

This was one of my favorite arcade games even if the double joysticks took quite a bit of adapting to. You play a guy who climbs the outside of a skyscraper, while scientists throw flowerpots at you, windows close on your fingers, and King Kong's smaller scaled stand-in throws a few punches at your path upwards. Why are you climbing the outside of a skyscraper? Because. That's why.

Randomly some voice shouts "Go for it!" whenever the game feels you need encouragement. And at the top of your publicity stunt is an impatient helicopter pilot who can't be bothered to grant you more than thirty seconds to reach for its metal bars.

The update

You're playing in an open world environment like Grand Theft Auto. But you aren't shooting taxi drivers or beating up prostitutes (which instantly makes you a better person). Your thing is perilous stunt work. You're like Banksy but performance art instead of vandalism.

So your goal is to draw as much attention to yourself without ever actually exposing your identity. That means climbing buildings in the most populated areas and not getting caught. Choose your buildings carefully. And don't die.

4. Evil Otto (Berserk 1980, arcade)

Better known as death by 'have a nice day' (actually nobody knows it by that, I just made that up). So you're running around a futuristic lab with electrified walls and armed robots that mock your cowardice. And then you hear the throwback to the land before memes, the grandfather of soul crush: "Intruder alert! Intruder alert!". And a bouncing invincible happy face comes right through the freaking wall.

I can't think of a more horrifying way to go than at the squash of a maniacal happy face. The sequel Frenzy allowed you to take down Otto with three shots, which always felt wrong somehow. Of course he respawned and came at you at twice the speed, thus making him undefeatable in the long run.

The update

Okay, the gameplay of Berserk is not likely to translate directly into a 3D format, but we can still work with the basic idea. Take a third person shooter like Uncharted and set it in space. You can even simplify the premise to, you're a prisoner on board a vessel that gets attacked by robots. But Otto needs to be used sparingly, without about the frequency of Pyramid Head in Silent Hill 2. In fact, why not make him a byproduct of space madness, and give the unstoppable smirk of death deeper purpose? He can represent isolation. I swear, the message boards will light up.

5. Jumpman (1983, Atari, C64, IBM, Apple II)

Some time after "It's-a me" Mario surrendered his original stage name, Randy Glover and Epyx seized upon a platforming character by the same name that very few have been able to top. We're set on a Jupiter base where terrorists are setting bombs that require a defusing expert (I grew up in a much more casual time period). Ladders, robots, bullets you can literally dodge, and ropes that either go up or down (not both) all decorate the playing field. Amazingly enough, the levels never felt repetitive.

The update

At its core, Jumpman is a non-linear obstacle course, but in modern gaming story is just as important as mechanics. So let's develop our little guy and present him as a sort of 'everyman' in the wrong place at the wrong time. Jupiter base is a tourist center for people who want to do rope challenges and the like, but for some political reason it gets taken over by bombers while your character happens to be in the waiting area. He has to rely on his wits to defuse bombs and traverse obstacles, learning as he goes, and occasionally gaining new access to old areas. Mix Prince of Persia with Metroid Prime and you've got the playground that plays in the heads of every kid who ever saw Raiders of the Lost Ark.

6. Mephistopheles (Faust: Seven Games of the Soul 2000, PC)

Okay to put it succinctly, this was not a good game. The puzzles had no inner logic to them, at least not in their final translation. And most of the gameplay involved just clicking everywhere until something happened. It was like Myst but without the 'Aha!' moments. But the one place where the game excelled was the depiction of Mephistopheles, courtesy of voice actor Geoffrey Bateman. Meph serves as the 'devil' of the classic Faust narrative but in a much grayer area than usually depicted. He's slick, manipulative, and imposing. But he's also intelligent and charming, and bizarrely heroic in places. By his own description, he's that 'angel' who wishes to do evil but is required to do good.

The update

It would be an M-rating all the way but imagine a 3D platformer/puzzle game a la Portal where your goal is to crawl your way out of Hell. You're not given any indication of why you're there but you're given a guide in Meph, who's actively rooting for you to fail. He gives you left-handed compliments and passive-aggressive instructions. You're presumably running the gauntlet for his personal entertainment, but in the end you're very wrong. Meph is not the final boss like you'd expect, but instead you have to confront the reason your soul was in Hell in the first place, and that changes based entirely on the way you played the game and the choices you made. It's probably VERY hard to actually get the redemption ending, but if you're so tenacious you'll discover that he was in fact on your side from the beginning; just unwilling to take you by the hand.

7. Nick Bounty (A Case of the Crabs 2008, on-line)

By Pinhead Games. Please visit their site and remind them that they're awesome. Nick Bounty is a detective, somewhere on the spectrum between Guybrush Threepwood (The Secret of Monkey Island) and Frank Drebin (specifically the Police Squad! television version). Absurd and surreal cases come across his desk: counterfeit crabs and paralyzing salt; and Nick meets every challenge with unyielding enthusiasm and more competence than one might expect from him. Like every good Private Eye, he rolls with the punches (and explosions). Nick is the optimism in his hilariously cynical world, and that alone makes him a hero who deserves to win.

The update

Oh, like I've really got something to offer this series. Point and click adventure games may never reclaim their former glory, but their souls live on in a lot of the indie developers. Nick Bounty's only two outings are much shorter than you'd wish them to be, but you can't deny Pinhead really packed in the creativity and wit. More people should play these free games and bask in the triumph that is our lovable detective. I can only hope it stirs up enough goodwill to bring us a third game, or a flash animation series.

8. Rayne (Bloodrayne 2002, PS2, Xbox, Gamecube)

Once Uwe Boll has put his grubby hands on it, it's over, but there was a time when Bloodrayne was a genuinely passable franchise. It was gory (want to randomly slice off a Nazi's face?), gratuitous (the slow pan around Mynce is a work of satirical beauty), and a pretty good bargain bin purchase. It was nothing special. Except when it was. Two words, Laura Bailey. I know I rave about her at every opportunity, but her voice work as Rayne is electrifying. You can hear the heart of gold subtlety beneath the (literal) bloodthirsty killer's exterior. She's driven by emotion, but unlike the complete bore that is God of War's Kratos, Rayne has complex layers of feelings. Some of them may even be positive ones.

The update

There's been a conscious effort recently to produce a wider array of strong female characters in video games, but Rayne is the kind of character who tends to provoke criticism. You tend to see her on 'top 10 most sexist' character lists, which I've always found dreadfully unfair. Yes, we need more strong female heroes; Wonder Woman couldn't have come at a better time. But we also need strong female anti-heroes. Imagine her possibilities in the hands of a writer like Amy Hennig (Uncharted), who knows how to bring out a character's core by presenting them with their moral event horizons. What line won't Rayne cross to get what she wants? Why won't she cross it? Her games always had the fun factor, but they seemed to beg for more substance than they got. I think there's a lot of life left in the old girl, and if Lara Croft can get a second reboot, why not a half-vampire?

Honorable mention: Stanley the Bugman

I have no idea what could be done with him, but this little footnote in Donkey Kong history deserves a second appearance in something. In case Donkey Kong 3 slipped past you in 1986, DK took refuge in a greenhouse, leaving poor Stanley to defend his flowers from the ape and the hornet nests DK stirs up. The game's not great, but the one thing that always stood out to me was just how stressed out Stanley looked on all of the artwork. I've always assumed he was this innocent bystander in the Mario-verse who leads a pretty mundane, if routine, life. Then one random morning he shows up for work and: What the f-? How did that even get in here? Mario is credited as an everyman character, but he's honestly a superhero compared to Stanley, who is so confused that he can only think to reach for his bug spray and do his best. I think we've all had days like that.

The 3rd Annual Sci-fi/Fantasy Festival: and the Long Walk Back to Reality

My library ran its traditional Sci-fi/Fantasy Festival over the weekend and I think it was our most successful year yet. I've never had a job that has challenged me creatively to the degree that my library assistant position has, and I truly am fortunate.

As I've neglected my blog throughout the past month, I thought it might be worthwhile to share a little bit of the adventure I've been on, and some of the unique experiences I was able to participate in. To start off, I have to give much credit to my co-worker Krysten. She's been a driving force in the Adult Fiction department, steering us into more programming specifically geared towards the whole nerd community. She also does quite a lot of the thankless grudge work that holds the whole thing together; phone calls to vendors, budgeting, city permits, etc. Three years ago when she got the idea for a one day festival approved, I was one of the hand-picked employees to be brought on board the project. The journey since has been nothing shy of incredible.

So I'll start by bragging about our Youtube videos. Our first one was actually a delayed video from last year, recreating the Doctor Who episode Rose (with a nod to The End of the World), which was my script with Justin's directing. The music cues that Justin added really rescue the spot from my very off the mark Christopher Eccleston impression. The next one was our annual Batman spot with Anthony reprising his role as the Dark Knight (undoubtedly to be a recurring tradition). Madalyn is Harley Quinn, and we have her to thank for how good the costumes look. I think I've officially played the only version of the Joker who serves as Batman's straight man. Last up is The Time Agency, starring Aubrey as the forcibly sincere hostess. I directed that one myself, to serve as an advertisement for our breakout room, which I'll talk more about shortly.

The final bit of pre-festival appearance I made was on Talk of Alabama, and this was my only unhappy memory of the whole process. Let me stress that I have nobody to blame but myself, mainly because I felt useless. Krysten and I went on a local morning show, and I'd prepped myself up for anything: except for the expected. I was ready to be funny. I was ready to bring out filler. The only thing I wasn't ready to do was answer the questions we'd asked them to ask us. Krysten was. She knocked it out of the park. And good for her, this is her brain child, she deserves all the credit. And to be fair, my wife watched the spot and assured me it looked fine. I've no reason to doubt her, but I still feel like I let myself down, and that's a little bit of an ego bruise.

The first program I worked on for this year was our nerd trivia competition. It's styled after Jeopardy! (I call it Red Alert!). This was my second (non-consecutive) year hosting this kind of program. The participants seem to enjoy it to a point, but it's never really felt like a success to me; more of a break even kind of reaction. My basis for comparison is our Adult Trivia nights (which I also host) that always feel more, I don't know, energized. But thank God my wife was there as the scorekeeper, because I can't read questions and keep track of who's buzzing in at the same time. In fact, I'm proud to say that in the whole process, she was there for me at the two roughest spots. Thanks always sweetie!

So back to the breakout room. This was Madalyn's pet project, and it was a privilege to be a part of it. The Time Agency was a massive success. I don't have the statistics, but roughly half the teams escaped, which tells us that the puzzles were the right amount of difficulty. The story was, a time traveler from the future stole something vital to the timeline and hid it in a study in Victorian England. I talked some about this in a previous blog, as well as posting the journal I wrote for one of the puzzles. One of the most fun aspects of the breakout room was the way Madalyn and I lapsed into our characters, even if they were both completely off-screen. I was Sir Lucius (I forget the rest of his four names) the owner of the study in Victorian England, while Madalyn was Gil Terrence, the chrono-burglar. It was a really bizarre way to approach a character's creation, but in the end I was part of writing a breakout room, and that's a new one on me.

But my biggest contribution was the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure styled Powerpoint presentation (171 slides in all!) based on the classic S1 D&D module The Tomb of Horrors. Wow that thing took a lot out of me, and the participants only uncovered about half the secrets. I don't know how or when I'm going to be able to present it in any form on this blog, but suffice to say I think I'm locked into a third year. The gears are already turning.

I got to play a tiefling in Justin's live D&D game, which rocked in no uncertain terms. I have high hopes we'll get to do a follow up next year. And for the record, Chris, Aubrey, and Connor are the most chaotic band of players I've ever had the 'you've got to be kidding me' joy of charging into a burning building (that they set on fire) with. I got to play Hades at a Disney villains meet and greet, which was a wonderful piece of group improv. I got to sit on a panel with Bobby Nash, who is an author on a level I aspire to one day reach, and I certainly hope to be as warm and generous as he is should I ever get there.

The main takeaway is this: I've always been a nerd. I wasn't always proud to be one; because it's not just a trope, there really was a time that it could get you beaten up. In 2002, there was a Star Wars film, a Star Trek film, a James Bond film, a Lord of the Rings, a Harry Potter, and a comic book based movie (Spider-Man) all in the same year. I honestly thought that was the apex of nerd-dom. I thought, this was literally the best time to be a nerd, and it was a fluke that would never come again. The convention circuits like Dragon Con were islands in a sea of...normal stuff.

I remember the first year I took my wife to Dragon Con. We stepped off the subway and into a tunnel full of superheroes and elves on the escalators. She turned to me and said "I'm home." Those two words summed up the passion every nerd has ever had for shaking hands with Mark Hamill or posing for a picture with a Dalek.

But this is 2017, and that island has opened up to nearly all facets of culture. The stories and characters we retreated into for so long are embraced by the masses now. 2002 wasn't an anomaly, it was a preview. The safe havens of the convention circuit are no longer just a chance to come out of hiding anymore; they're a chance to shine, to spread prosthetic wings and glide to the costume contests. And I have a job where not only am I happy, but once a year I get to be part of creating that celebration for anybody who wants to come out and play for a few days. I used to think that being able to say "I'm home" was everything I could hope for, but I've come to realize that there's an even greater feeling; when you're finally in a position to follow it up with "and so are you". Thank you to everyone who made our festival special, and I look forward to seeing you all next year.

5 Tips for People Who Want to Give Chris Chibnall Tips About Showrunning Doctor Who

Hey, have you heard that Peter Capaldi is stepping down from his role as the Doctor? Yeah I thought so. Oh, and Steven Moffat is finally doing what Wikipedia hackers have been demanding since 2010 and vacating his position as show-runner, making way for Broadchurch's Chris Chibnall. That should be fun.

Of course, we're invariably going to be treated to a plethora of open letters to Mr. Chibnall from the fans (between now and eight months before he steps down) expressing their collective insight into what the show should and shouldn't be. The first one I've seen appeared Sunday in the Telegraph, and there's more to come.

Nerds are nothing if not opinionated (self-reflection acknowledged), but maybe as a public service to us all we could hone the advice into a usable pool? Here are my suggestions that nobody asked for to keep in mind before offering suggestions that Chris Chibnall has not asked for.

1. He probably knows what the show is about.

Everybody has passions, and we all think that we somehow have nuggets of wisdom just for caring so much. And yes, passions really can drive us to understand something. But we're talking amateurs versus professionals. In my blog, I have plenty to say about comedy. But if I were to sit down to dinner with Bob Newhart I would be more than comfortable accepting that I've got no tips whatsoever for him.

I don't know how Chibnall is going to do. I don't know where his ambitions lie or if he's coming from a place of "We HAVE to do this while I'm driving!". But the bottom line is, he's got the job. And he didn't get it from Michael Grade, so that's a plus. The powers most directly affected by the show's success or failure have decided that Chibnall is the one to carry on the legacy. That by itself means he knows more than you or me.

2. There are no roots that need gotten back to.

People on social media like to complain about when Doctor Who lost its identity or why it's not true to form anymore. Good lord, it's not complicated. He travels in a box and does stuff. That's it. Roots are officially watered.

The show has a fifty plus year history, the first five of which never even knew he was a Timelord. About the last time the show was in danger of not being Doctor Who was the American television movie in 1996, and even then Paul McGann emerged as a beloved contributor to the icon. At this point it's not likely we're going to see the show lose its way. We've all figured out what Doctor Who is.

3. Pearl Mackie/David Tennant/Nabil Shaban won't be returning no matter how vocal you are about it.

This one's easy. The show-runner doesn't care about your petitions. Nobody on staff has ever read a message board and thought "Wow! We never thought of bringing Sylvester McCoy back! Let's call him right now!" They're using the resources they have to make the show work the best way possible. You only have to look at Dimensions in Time to see what gratuity looks like and how wrong it feels. Actually don't. It will change you for the worse.

4. It doesn't make business sense to change the Doctor's gender at this time.

I don't have a problem seeing a female Doctor. If Joanna Lumley comes to the audition and mops the floor with the competition, then go for it. But lately people have been demanding a female Doctor just for the sake of itself. I don't get what that accomplishes. It would make more sense to me that the show spins off into a Romana series or something for when the Doctor goes on his endearing eighteen month hiatuses.

I don't predict the BBC would ever shake things up that much on their cash cow; especially considering that every time a cast member leaves, a subset of audience goes with them. The people who clamor for a female Doctor are still watching the show. The BBC is always going to prioritize for the audience that might wander away, and keep bringing them back with familiarity. Is that wrong? I don't know. But it's entertainment, where very little is at stake. Equality is better directed at real world issues.

Update: 7/16 Well, what do I know? Welcome to television history Jodie Whittaker!

5. You don't know what you want.

Just face it, you don't. When Jurassic Park hit theaters, people griped that it wasn't like the book. When Hannibal was released, people griped that if you read the book there were no surprises. Spider-Man 3 gave everybody what they asked for, and I'm willing to bet you're in a worse mood now just because I even mentioned that movie.

I can't think of a single time I've written something that's come out on paper the way it ran in my head. The reason is twofold (at least). For one thing, my head has not typed out the words; it has an amorphous idea that's constantly reworking itself. For another, sometimes an idea works in one's head that doesn't work on paper. It's an old saying of professional scriptwriters; every script is three stories: the one you imagine, the one you write, and the one that gets made. So really, what chance is there that you're ever going to see a Doctor Who production that appeases your own ambiguous expectations?

The best case scenario: Chris Chibnall knows what he's doing. The worst case: he doesn't. The more probable: he kind of knows, but he's also going to be figuring it out as he goes. In any case, the Doctor will survive. The show is about reinvention. This is one phase. There will be many more.

My only tip for Chibnall is this. Try to remember that we, the fans, tend to have really lousy ways of expressing how much we care. I don't envy the position you're taking on, but I'm very grateful that you're even willing to take on such an incredible role. Welcome to the legacy.

The Dragon I Met

It's been a while since I've worked on a short story from start to finish, and I feel pretty good about the result. Interestingly enough, I wrote this specifically to NOT be read as part of our original breakout room for my library's 3rd annual Sci-fi/Fantasy Festival. We essentially needed a journal (with some entries) as a prop. We could have conceivably just dug up some random archives, but I guess I was feeling a little more ambitious than that and I wanted to create an actual narrative. I was aiming for a period piece-sounding voice in my narrator, although I fully admit my word choices were based on guesswork instead of research (I was going for flavor, not authenticity). I hope you enjoy it!


Entry One

The Traveler. The Romantics portray him as a seeker of fortune and glory. But they have never been the Traveler. The reality is weeks of blisters, pests, and unending gales of foul weather. Why should one ever become the Traveler? In a word: because. I should very much like to attest my insipid compulsion for travel to any reason other than ‘because’, but alas, no other reason has made itself known to me.

And so I lay on an unfamiliar bed, in an unfamiliar inn, perplexed as to how the cost of such a pallet can validate the mere marginal increase in comfort to that of the wet grass outside.

The people of this village (its name has evaded my recollection, either due to drink or indifference) are a pleasant, if simple, lot. Their jovial folk songs about the many grim ways to die are rather distasteful and not to my liking, but I have to admire the passion with which they discuss the apparently rich and complex topic of gannets and their various nesting rituals.

One particular story that struck my fancy was that of a dragon that allegedly resides in the waters further north. A fairy tale, certainly, but one that captivated its audience (who undoubtedly have heard it many, many times). It seems there was a friend of a friend who encountered the beast amidst the conducive visibility of twilight coupled with the remnants of a few too many. Incontestable evidence; as far as the villagers were concerned. I’d never speak these words out loud at the University, but people truly have an affinity for their demons.


Entry Two

Never before had I anticipated spending an evening at a monastery. The Priest, who I happened upon, took pity (or amusement) at my bedraggled gait as I approached; in all likelihood, my appearance accurately reflected every cursed step I’d taken for the past several hours of hiking.

My overnight stay here has been courtesy of the implicit agreement that I will be assisting with repairs to the ceiling of one or more buildings in the complex. I’ve been searching for any reasonable rationale explaining why I might be ill-suited for such a task, but every thought I’ve had requires blatantly lying to the Priest. I suppose I must accept the burden.

I was fed, for which I’m grateful (and I should leave it at that). The evening conversation which followed was a test of my discipline. I find men of the Cloth a most intimidating sort. Perhaps I sense they have an expectation upon my words, to always return to the topic of Salvation. Or it may be the intensity with which they listen. In all my time at the University, I have never been able to secure the wandering eyes of any audience; but with the clergy, such focus comes readily as an unwanted gift. I found myself painting a portrait of my travels in a much more amiable light than even I expected was possible.

Probably out of defense, I mentioned the story the villagers told me about the underwater creature. To my surprise, the Priest knew precisely what I was talking about. Evidently the water beast makes an appearance in Christian texts as far back as the sixth Century. He told me of Saint Columba, an Irish Monk, who rescued a man swimming in the river from the creature (with the Power of God, of course).

To the educated, this is obviously nothing more than a tale. And when I asked the Priest if he believed the story, he quite proficiently evaded a direct answer. But I saw it in his eyes. The ember. Either he already believed, or some childish fantasy from within demanded he at least not dismiss such a fable.

I can understand why villagers might succumb to their own legends, but for a man of the Cloth to accept something so nonsensical? This intrigues me. Why do we answer the call of mystery encased in myth? Is this a failing of our species? Or is it what can be described as the taste of intellectual Ambrosia that attracts our sensibilities? I must consider this further.


Entry Three

My visit to the University of Aberdeen has been a source of rejuvenation. Founded well over three centuries ago, to what stories must these sacred halls be privy? This Titan of knowledge? This stone Goliath? Oh dear. I fear the fantastical creature to the northwest may be bringing out the Romantic inside me.

Ah, the beast. It pursues me wherever I go in this brave land. Over the past two days I have taken it upon myself to eavesdrop on the idle conversations of the schoolboys, and the beast has entered the exchange no fewer than six times; twice as the subject. Everywhere I travel, the people of all standings and professions assign a degree of respect and fear for the fairy tale of the river.

Perhaps there is some seedling deep within the human soul that falls in love with ancient mammoths. I did not understand this concept until I set foot in this University; my steps echoing through the massive stonework. I was compelled to personify the building itself, attributing a personality to it as that of a gentle giant.

I have thus decided. My journey must indeed take me to the northwest. I should expect to find nothing, and anticipate the detour will be most uneventful. But the prospect of returning home without seeing the birthplace of this fantasy will undoubtedly feel like a slight upon myself in the long term.


Entry Four

It appears this creature of daydreams has cast some manner of spell over everyone I encounter, for I have found no easier conversation to provoke with strangers than she.

Yes, she. I have partially surrendered my understanding of the beast to the various personifications that the people I have met have so passionately expressed. Surely some of them must know in the deepest wells of intellect that she is nothing more than a phantasm. And yet, they love her. And fear her. Perhaps there exists a shade of controlled madness where the two are one and the same.

But whatever this madness is, some call it frivolity, it is most contagious.

The rivers old
Hear tales paroled
Entrenched in vagary
Lest sailors shill
O’er sullen rill
Comprised of bel esprit

How doth she race
Neath stars embrace
Ensnared in apathy
So mercantile
She scouts her mile
Miraged eponymy

O fiend below
Nocturnal’s flow
Surpressed soliloquy
Though veiled in mist
Each gallant kissed
Revives thine majesty

No, dear creature, do not be so presumptuous as to accept this musing as a conversion to you; only an experiment. How do the romantics survive the laws of nature? And why do they exist at all? Does the poet seek the muse, or does the muse seek the poet?

Mere questions with no answers. I shall come for you Dragon.


Entry Five

How best to describe the lake? It is atrocious; there are no two ways about it. Staring as far into the grime as vision will allow (less depth than that of an arm’s span, were I so blindly courageous) I find myself equally confounded and enlightened. The latter in as much as the reinvention of the circumstances surrounding every friend of a friend’s witness to the creature. Should my mind build a serpent out of the various twigs and branches that float by at regular intervals, I expect I would insist they had eyes and a snout. Indeed, the very act of observing the momentum of a landscape painting (and not a very good one) would be more than enough to propel one into a welcomed madness.

It has been several hours, and I fear my impatient impulses have begun to long for the demon of the depths to poke its fantastical skull out of the mire and properly devour me where I sit, just so I may never feel the touch of miasmic dew on my skin again.

Of all the places to which I have traveled, this countryside is the least to my liking. Perhaps it is the result of my own hopeful folly, or perhaps this truly is a purgatory on Earth.

In either case, I’m convinced that the demon beast is the product of discomfort. I have known many attempted maestros and have studied even more. The most common trait shared among them is that of an unrest. What conclusion can be drawn other than a causality between displeasure and inspiration?

In fine, now that I consider this thought, I may have a newfound appreciation for those artisans who produce works of beauty. For if the material components of aesthetics are the mundane and the distasteful, then the poets and sculptors may very well be closer akin to alchemists, transmutating muck into wonder.

I fear I must rest now, and shall do so away from the surveillance of your domain. Fare thee well creature of the deep. Your secrets remain yours alone.


Entry Six

My heart is heavy. I happened upon one of the larger villages at a time when the marketplace was at its highest degree of bustle, when my attention was captured by a simple father and his young daughter. At first I thought her to be much too grown for her father to be carrying her through the crowded area, but I soon came to realize that her legs were no longer functional. Owing to an illness (I pieced together her narrative from the ensemble of conversations had with and about her) she would never walk again, and likely would not live into womanhood.

It was just next to the flower seller that the creature made its appearance. An acquaintance of the family greeted father and child with a previously unheard tale of a friend of a friend who nearly bumped into the beast’s massive tail while traveling beside the lake at night. The child’s face awakened with excitement, and she no doubt would have kicked her feet in giddiness were she able.

She turned to her father for confirmation on the story’s validity, to which he answered in the only way that he would allow himself; of course the story was true, every single word. She asked if some day they could travel to the river themselves and see the creature. Her father said in no uncertain terms that they could. And I am truly grateful that the tone of his endorsement was lost on her. She would never leave her village and her father knew it. But the promise itself was enough. She felt more joy from the prospect of the journey than the actual visit ever could have provided her.

I knew there and then if she had taken notice of me and asked me directly if I believed the creature was real, I would have told her it was. I would have recounted my detour to the waters earlier in the year, for the sole purpose of seeing the beast, and I would have told the girl the truth.

I had indeed seen the creature.

Not with my eyes, but with my heart. I’d seen the creature in her eyes, and in the tales of those who I’d met in my travels, and in the hopes of those who believed that their beloved gentle giant should grace their dreams with a glimpse that only they were meant to see.

I would never have clarified myself past the revelation that the creature exists, and I would never have felt as though I’d deceived her in any way. In the end, there are some things that matter more than fact. Fact exists in the world of perception. Ideas exist in the mind.

It is the mind that colors the journey of facts, processes them, and makes them bearable. In some rare cases it may be ideas that bring those without hope to life. Yes, the creature exists. It exists as a carefully constructed idea in and from the minds of many, and will continue to do so. I should surrender that the world of facts is all the better for it.

Kingdom Hearts: The Game That Never Will Be

E3 has come and gone, and with it some very important updates about the beloved Kingdom Hearts series. We've now received confirmation that the things that have already been confirmed are in fact still confirmed, so good news there. More importantly, the game is officially in development, which means the past twelve years of development are probably leading up to something.

Now the bad news. Game creator/perfectionist Tetsuya Nomura is expected to pull the other half of his development team off the project in favor of a Final Fantasy VII prequel; tentatively titled Aerith Gainsborough: Flower Seller, Two Weeks Before Retirement, which means the third entry in the main series is having to take on extra workers just to make sure its release date is pushed back far enough.

Well I've never been one to accept that I'm doing nothing with my time, so as a courtesy to the KH fan base I've decided to submit my synopsis for a potential spin-off specifically for MAC users who can access a Commodore 64 emulator through a patch based on Word 95. I'm calling it Kingdom Hearts: Esoteric Connections. Even I don't know what the title means.

All of the worlds in this game are going to be based on Disney properties that are dreadfully unlikely to ever make it into the actual series. Here they are in order of appearance.

1. The Adventurer's Club (Pleasure Island in Orlando, Florida 1989-2008)
2. The Adventures of Ichabod and Mr. Toad (1949)
3. Melody Time (1948)/Paul Bunyan (1958)
4. Darby O'Gill and the Little People (1959)
5. The Rescuers (1977)
6. Fun and Fancy Free (1947)
7. Make Mine Music (1945)
8. The Emperor's New Groove (2000)
9. The Black Cauldron (1985)
10. The Black Hole (1979)

Premise:

Some time between one of the Kingdom Hearts games and one of the other ones, Sora, Donald, and Goofy find themselves stranded in a jungle wilderness. As far as they know, the Gummi Ship is lost or destroyed or eaten, it's not important right now. The point is, they're being chased by this new type of enemy called the Impulses, and their experience levels have been set back to 1.

Having to run via cut scene takes them into the first (and serving as home base) world.

1. The Tavern of Tales

The tavern is practically empty. The only human character seen is the unnamed maid who spends Sora's first arrival sitting on the stage in the library talking to the haunted organ. In the main salon, Colonel Critchlow Suchbench sits dormant, and is only woken up after Sora defeats several waves of Impulses. Having come "off duty" the Colonel explains the situation, that nobody comes to the tavern anymore to swap stories because everyone seems to have lost their passion for adventures. Goofy immediately makes the connection that it's related to the Impulses they've been fighting. The tavern has been overshadowed by a cloud of 'Indifference' ever since Babylonia (the stone face on the wall) went to sleep. The Colonel suggests that if Sora travels into the world and acquires some stories to attract people back to the tavern, the cloud will lift. It's Kingdom Hearts logic.

2. The Village of Superstition

The warm-up world is based on Sleepy Hollow and involves a lot of going back and forth. The central problem is that everyone is afraid to come to Katrina van Tassel's Halloween party because of the Impulses running amuck. But Sora and company clear out the monsters multiple times, getting everybody there, inadvertently getting mixed up with the rivalry between Brom Bones and Ichabod Crane.

Boss Battle: The Headless Horseman

As to be expected, this culminates in the boss of the world, which Sora defeats (while still scaring Ichabod away). It turns out not to be Brom in disguise after all, but their old friend Jack Skellington, who got lost on his way back to Halloween Town and felt compelled to give everyone a good scare. Skellington is sent back to The Tavern of Tales while Sora continues to his next destination.

3. The Land of Legends

This world is primarily based on the old west, but is really a combination of a few tales. Johnny Appleseed is the first character they meet, and he's had no luck planting seeds because the land is too dry. Sora has to fight his way through the plains to enlist the help of Pecos Bill, who can rope rainclouds and move them. Unfortunately water is only one part of the solution, they also need the land plowed. For that, Sora has to track down Paul Bunyan. In the process they discover that Simba has also been lost between worlds and has been roaming the land.

Boss Battle(s)

The mid-boss is Babe the Big Blue Ox, who is only protecting Paul Bunyan (who in turn has sunk into a depression as of late). After that defeat-means-friendship moment, Sora figures out that the Impulses are made up of people's passions being stolen from them.

The main boss battle comes later in the form of Stratos, the wind Titan from Hercules. They have to enlist Pecos Bill's help to defeat it, but this releases enough of the Impulses to revitalize Paul Bunyan into helping plow the land.

4. Wishing Mountain

The last land to complete the first circle leading back to the tavern is a world based on Darby O'Gill and the Little People. Sora befriends Darby, and is the only one who believes his tales of the little people. Sora helps protect Darby from several Impulses on his way to fetch the bell for the local church, and learns that there has been another visitor who arrived before Sora who took an interest in the little people.

Through a leap of intuition they realize Aladdin has landed in this world as well and is looking to wish himself back to Agrabah. Sora climbs mount Knocknasheega where he discovers Aladdin has all but perished trying to get to the top.

Boss Battle

The Banshee. Sora has to fight it off so as to not call the Death Coach on Aladdin. His efforts are noticed by King Brian, the leprechaun, who seems surprised that Sora has no interest in wishes, only in restoring the lands and their people to the former story-driven glory. It's here that Sora is granted to ability to warp to places he's already been.

The Tavern of Tales (part 2)

As Sora has done what the Colonel suggested, the tavern is a bit livelier this time. Graves the butler, and Fletcher Hodges the curator are here now. Babylonia is still not awake, but Fletcher has taken it upon himself to revive the Balderdash Cup, a prestigious award given to the person with the greatest tale.

Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.

Jack Skellington, Simba, and Aladdin are now permanently residing in the tavern, and it takes a few cut scenes to figure out that Sora's past journeys are somehow affecting the world he's in now, and anyone who has previously traveled with him is running the risk of getting pulled into the world as well.

It's at this point that the tavern's treasurer Otis T. Wren arrives with the news that a young girl has gone missing in Devil's Bayou, and the tavern is requested to send help. With Sora currently the only one qualified to tackle the challenge, he's volunteered.

5. The Devil's Bayou

This essentially follows the story of The Rescuers, with Sora and friends in the Bernard/Miss Bianca role. Penny is replaced by a new character named Belladonna (who claims to be a princess of indeterminate age), although like Penny in the original she also has a teddy bear that she's apparently fond of. The McGuffin this time around is a rare plant, as opposed to a diamond. Madame Medusa is still the main antagonist, even though she remains unfought.

Boss Battle(s)

The midway battle is with Brutus and Nero, Medusa's pet crocodiles. The final battle is related to the plant, which is a form of nightshade that has the ability to absorb certain energies related to the Impulses. It transforms Belladonna's teddy bear into the monster of this world. When defeated, the nightshade crystalizes into a dormant item.

Tavern of Tales (part 3)

And we're back again. The takeaway here is that Sora has now met someone out of place in their world who has not traveled with him before, which throws off the earlier theory. Belladonna thanks Sora for rescuing her and expresses hope that she will be able to find her way back to the Marshes of Morva.

Tavern President Pamelia Perkins has arrived and officially makes Sora, Donald and Goofy members with the salute and creed (Kungaloosh!). Explorer Samantha Sterling then approaches Sora to inform him that Johnny Appleseed has an important discovery that he wants Sora to see.

6. Kingdom of Clouds

Returning to the Land of Legends, Sora finds that the dissipated energies from all of the defeated Impulses has caused one of the vines to stretch way into the sky. With no prompting from anyone, he climbs to the top and discovers the home of Willie the Giant, who has stolen the precious treasure known as the singing harp. You can guess how this plays out.

Boss Battle

Willie, multiple times. He has the ability to shapeshift, which means he confronts the heroes in various shapes as dictated by the environment. When defeated, it becomes evident that he was using the same type of magic energy the Impulses used to achieve these alternate forms, and now he's no longer capable of transformation. Instead of chopping down the vine, Sora allows Willie to climb down to the Land of Legends where Paul Bunyan gives him an earful for stealing the harp in the first place.

Tavern of Tales (part 4)

Based on the number of cutscenes, this is clearly the end of act two. We get a few answers. The Impulses are based on the drive people have to be something other than what they are, i.e. an energy Sora didn't realize he'd been using this whole time. People who have that energy taken from them in essence lose themselves. But he's still not clear why it's happening.

It's time for the Balderdash Competition, and Sora enters along with Otis T. Wren and recent arrival Hathaway Browne, the aviator. When it's Sora's turn to tell his greatest tale, he summarizes the events of the first Kingdom Hearts game. At first, no one believes he could have that many adventures in such a short time period, but he begins to describe how Maleficent organized an entire legion of baddies focused on a single purpose. As he's pressed for more information about Maleficent, a shadow begins forming behind him in the library, manifesting itself into Maleficent and many heartless creatures. It's up to Sora to fight his way through the tavern with the help of Donald, Goofy, Aladdin, Simba, and Jack Skellington.

Boss Battle
Maleficent in dragon form, alongside Princess Belladonna. The defeat of Maleficent restores the tavern to an unblemished state. It becomes clear that this wasn't the real Maleficent, but an illusion created out of Impulse energy and Sora's story.

With things back to normal, Sora is awarded the Balderdash Cup (which slightly increases AP). Hathaway Browne tells Sora that he's sure one of his former companions was spotted in the ocean and offers to fly Sora out to the harbor.

7. The Ocean of Dreams (Boss Battle First)
The Leviathan from Atlantis. Sora's primary goal is to rescue Ariel, and the Leviathan will be the end battle for this level. But that only proves to be the distraction from the main conflict.

A Tragic End

One of the most heart wrenching stories Disney has ever told is The Whale Who Wanted to Sing at the Met. This is the plotline Sora gets involved in for this world, and he's going to inadvertently cause the tragic ending the animated film is remembered for. First he meets impresario Tetti-Tatti and naively spills his past experience with being swallowed by a whale. Then he's going to meet Willie the Whale, and (riding on the theme of the game) encourage him to follow his passion and be more than he already is. And having set up both those elements, while Sora is dealing with the Leviathan, Willie will be harpooned just like in the original.

In this whole series, Sora hasn't dealt with an actual loss yet; certainly not one he's responsible for. It's time for Kingdom Hearts to address the fact that sometimes the world sucks and there is literally no way to prevent it.

8. Kuzcotopia

This level is unique in the sense that Sora deliberately avoids interacting with the film that it's based on. After the past tragedy Sora wants to be alone, asking Donald and Goofy to escort Ariel back to the tavern. His interactions with the characters from The Emperor's New Groove are kept to a minimum, always arriving at set locations before or after the film counterpart has happened. Impulses still run rampant, but Sora seems to be the only one who notices them as the peasants have given up on the hopes of their own.

Princess Belladonna tracks Sora down and tries to encourage him out of his despair. She shows him how to use the nightshade crystal to absorb the energy from defeated Impulses. From there he could change himself into anything he wants. But at best she only gets him to resume his role in defeating the Impulses, not gaining their powers.

Belladonna winds up getting captured by the Impulses, just because, and Sora goes after her. This leads him into Yzma's secret lab. He confronts the Impulses, but soon figures out the kidnapping was only a ruse by Belladonna. She's been controlling the Impulses herself, and the fake kidnapping was to jolt Sora out of his sense of defeat. He demands to know why she's doing this, and she offers her hand. If Sora goes with her to the Marshes of Morva, she'll explain everything. Sora refuses, not willing to abandon Donald and Goofy. Belladonna becomes so frustrated that she summons an Impulse and dumps a whole shelf of Yzma's potions onto it.

Boss Battle

An Abomination. Sora has to face off with this thing by himself, and it's meant to be 'That One Boss' of this game. Upon defeat of the Abomination, Sora heads back to the tavern. The moment he's gone, a kitten-fied Yzma scurries in and finds the remainder of her potions smashed, suggesting she's now stuck in this form.

Tavern of Tales (part 5)

The tavern is now at its full glory, and the singing harp has initiated their world famous Hoopla. The song and merriment has finally awakened Babylonia. As gratitude she offers to send Sora and his friends right where they want to go, which she assumes would be back to his world; but Sora can't imagine leaving after Belladonna has been meddling with these other worlds. So instead he asks if they can go to the Marshes of Morva.

9. Marshes of Morva
We're on Belladonna's home turf. Sora has access to all of his companions (if for some reason the player wants to use any of them). This chapter reveals Belladonna's motivations. She's a witch who thinks she's a Disney princess. As worlds became connected, she was able to use her powers to watch Sora's exploits from afar. She decided the defining trait of a Disney princess was to 'dream of something more'. Sora argues that you can always make yourself better, but you can never make yourself to be something you aren't. Belladonna counters with the fact that you can, you only have to know how. Using the power of Impulses, you can be anything you want to be. Sora outdebates her with "Not by stealing the passion of others. That only makes you a villain."

Boss Battle(s)

The Horned King does about as much here as he did in the movie, but as the game's plot heads towards the Black Cauldron, the level inevitably leads to an encounter with him. There are also two separate fights with Belladonna, and one final one with a transformed version of the Cauldron itself. The destruction of the Cauldron sucks Sora, Belladonna, and others into a void.

10. The Edge of Nothing

When Sora comes to, he finds himself in a metal structure surrounded by darkness. He first meets the intimidating robot Maximilian, who seems to want to eliminate Sora immediately but he's called off by his human creator Dr. Hans Reinhardt. Shortly thereafter, Sora is reunited with his teammates who explain that Dr. Reinhardt's ship the Cygnus rescued them all from the emptiness of space, and the Gummi Ship has been aboard in the docking station this whole time (yay, convenience). Dr. Reinhardt has been intensely studying the phenomenon of the Black Hole.

As expected, Impulses attack the ship, and Sora assumes correctly that Belladonna is also on the Cygnus. Sora et al tracks her down, but she confesses that she's no longer in control of the Impulses. It is learned through some dumb leaps of intuition that the Black Hole is a tear in the fabric of universes. Sora's universe is on the other side, and his Keyblade being in the wrong universe is what is keeping the Black Hole from closing.

Sora informs Dr. Reinhardt of this revelation. Reinhardt does in fact believe him, as he's become obsessed with the voices on the other side of the Black Hole, but he has no intention of letting Sora control the collapse of it.

Boss Battle(s) Round One

This incidentally is the point of no return. The first battle is with Dr. Reinhardt and tons of Impulses on the control deck. It ends with Reinhardt pinned under a giant screen and the place flooding with too many Impulses for Sora to handle. He sends the rest of his party to the Gummi Ship, turning his attention to Belladonna. Sora asks her to save Dr. Reinhardt. Belladonna initially refuses, but Sora presses the issue telling her that it's not too late to be a hero, and that she can be whatever she wants to be. She hears his words and seems to agree, using the Crystal Nightshade to absorb as much of the Impulse energy at it can.

Sora hurries to the Gummi Ship but is stopped for a solo fight with Maximilian. The robot is part brute force, part puzzle boss. Sora has to weaken him to the point of recharging and then breach the hull of the Cygnus to suck Maximilian into the Black Hole. He then joins his companions on the Gummi Ship and they take off.

Boss Battle(s) Round Two

Belladonna. She never tried to save Dr. Reinhardt, she only wanted the power of the Impulses, and when the Black Hole closes all of the Impulses will vanish. She appears in a huge form to block the Gummi Ship's flight path claiming she never wanted to be a hero, she wanted to be (her interpretation of) a princess. She wants Sora to be the hero of her own fairy tale. The Gummi Ship has to shoot its way through her until she's seemingly defeated.

Maximilian and Dr. Reinhardt have merged together due to the gravitational forces of the Black Hole and now control the remains of the Cygnus into the next fight. Sora wins (hopefully) but the resulting explosion separates him from the rest of his group who emerge on the other side of the Black Hole in their correct universe.

Belladonna is back for one last bout with Sora while the Black Hole is collapsing. He hacks through the remaining Impulse energy until there is only Belladonna left. The Keyblade will keep the rift open long enough for Sora to escape. Belladonna cries out for Sora to save her. Being Sora, he tries, but the result is not seen.

Epilogue

Sora wakes up in Traverse Town. Donald and Goofy have no memory of their experience in the alternate universe. The credits roll revealing everybody else got home all right.

In a post credits scene, Sora finds that his own memories are beginning to fade as well. Desperate to hold on to some element of it he quickly recreates the Tavern of Tales's salute, but the final word eludes him until a random female in town calls out "Kungaloosh!" to him. It may or may not be Belladonna, leaving her fate ambiguous.


So that in way too many words is the synopsis of the Kingdom Hearts game that isn't and won't happen. I hope you enjoyed imagining playing it. If you go back and imagine playing it on the hard difficulty, you'll get a bonus screenshot of the actual developers adding Kingdom Hearts III to their to-do list.

Kungaloosh!

Wonder Woman: Arriving Precisely When She Means To

So perhaps you've heard by now that the Wonder Woman movie made it to theaters after something like 176 years; which really isn't that big a deal when you consider dinosaurs lived, roamed, died, and became fossilized over millions of years before ever getting a script green lit. Everybody who matters has loved it, and why shouldn't they? It's a great cast, solid script, and impressively controlled directing from Patty Jenkins.

The DC franchise has been struggling. A lot of people claim the films have been striking out (to borrow a tried and true baseball metaphor). I don't agree with that per se, I think they've been getting on the base. They just haven't scored until now. Wonder Woman finally hit the much needed home run for the team.

So with critics and audiences in agreement on the quality of the movie, one of the big questions flying around is: why did this movie take so long to get made? It seemed to have everything going for it for ages; women have in fact been playing video games and reading comics and yelling at each other over Joel vs. Mike debates for decades. The target audience has been there. And I'd like to think the bulk of male audiences have figured out 'girl stuff' isn't a virus (hell, we were getting into barroom brawls over Sailor Moon back in 1997!).

Well as usual, the answer is probably a combination of things. First off, a lot really was riding on this film. Not just the future of DC movies but female superheroes in general. Wonder Woman isn't just iconic, she's metaphorical. Unlike specifically defined characters like Xena or Jessica Jones, Diana has to effectively give off an "I'm every woman" vibe (a song that was thankfully not part of the film) while still being her own character. That's a hard balance to pull off. Superman is still struggling with it. Batman has the luxury of an inimitable rogue's gallery to reflect. But DC characters are essentially modern gods, and that's a hard level for us to find relatable.

Purely from an artistic perspective, that has to be a lot of pressure to get Diana right. Tank Girl and Domino can come and go, and any failings can be shrugged off. But if Wonder Woman had fallen apart, that would have given credence to the outdated (and insulting) notion that movies with female leads just aren't bankable. Even as of the making of the film, DC studios weren't actually betting on the film. All signs point to the studio not expecting a hit. The movie was probably only greenlit at all because they HAD to make the movie for The Justice League to work.

But screw it, let's take a cue from Diana and focus on hope. She's here now, the movie is great, and feminism (a concept truly misunderstood by way too many Youtubers) has a new ally. And I think it's worth addressing why it worked so well. It boils down to one single element; the character of Princess Diana.

First off, it helps immensely that Jenkins and Gadot clearly love the character, and both of them look like they're prepared to face down any criticism with no apologies. In a round about way, it also kind of helped that DC didn't fully believe in the film, because they didn't care enough to re-edit it behind Jenkins's back. As such, the film was a single director's vision, which is ultimately what has to happen if character nuance has any chance of surviving.

The most vital component to making the film work was this; the audience had to come away from the film knowing who Diana was, not what she can do. This is where a lot of superhero characters get lost in the crowd, because too much focus is placed on their abilities, not their souls. Many past incarnations of Wonder Woman have forgotten that she's more than a lasso and a pair of bracelets, and she's suffered for it. Here are three examples of her character handled correctly.

Lego Batman 3: Beyond Gotham (2014)

Laura Bailey. You're probably familiar with her voice work even if you don't realize it (check out her very long list of credentials on her Wikipedia entry). My first encounter with Bailey was on the Gamecube version of Bloodrayne where she gave a much more solid performance than the game required her to. Later I found out she was voicing Sana in the Kodocha dub (a feat that anime fans believed would be impossible). She's essentially amazing.

In the context of Lego Batman 3, Wonder Woman gets zapped by the red anger energy, from something related to the Green Lantern premise with which I'm far from familiar. The bulk of Bailey's performance as Diana involves her conveying the sense that she is just about to lose it. Everything from her instructions delivered with a sneer, to the most beautiful "That's so IDIOTIC!" ever screamed is flawless, and really damn funny.

So while there's not much character development to be found, there are some very interesting quirks that other versions of Wonder Woman can learn from. One is the fact that even when filled with rage, Wonder Woman is still heroic. Lex Luthor and the Joker are also hit by mood altering energies and they go through complete alignment changes. Wonder Woman does not. She still does the right thing even while she's complaining about it. That's a nice touch.

Another thing is that Diana is offered a rare opportunity for some comedy. DC is thought of as the 'serious' comic company, and their main triumvirate always look so grumpy when they pose together. And while it's probably not in character to have Wondie start cracking wise, it's okay to put her in situations so bizarre that her earnestness can give the audience a chuckle. In too many versions of her, the artists/directors seem worried that the imperfection of humor is going to drag the goddess too close to the muck of humanity. But comedy can also be sophisticated if you care enough to make it so. You can have it both ways.

DC Super Hero Girls (2015-present)

This toy line is a brilliant marketing strategy. Their goal is simple: get young girls attached to the DC characters; particularly poignant in light of Marvel's 'Where the hell are the Black Widow action figures?' fiasco. The franchise is set at Super Hero High, a high school/college hybrid that should sum up the next eight years of angst for its target audience.

The teenaged version of Wondie is voice by V.A. princess Grey Griffin with virtuoso restraint. This Diana is allowed to feel things (fear, jealousy, doubt) without the typically two minute long stories ever needing to spell out that she's wrestling with those feelings. Like her Bailey counterpart, Griffin's Diana will always do the right thing no matter how she feels about it. But it's the complexity of emotion contained in the deceptively simple storylines that stand out in this version.

For example, there's a season one video where Diana's roommate Harley Quinn (most of the villains are adapted quite a bit) affectionately puts together a highlight reel of Wondie's most embarrassing moments of the school year. In a span of mere seconds, Diana goes through shock, horror, and withdrawal before choosing to accept Harley's shortcomings in the spirit they're meant, and forcing a smile that quickly becomes genuine.

The big takeaway here is an exploration of what Wonder Woman is like when she has friends. In most Justice League appearances we're basically seeing Diana at work, with the typical workplace front we all have to display. At Super Hero High we witness more of an interpersonal dependability among the Super Friends. And the series manages to convey the tem dynamic without sacrificing the individual personalities (I daresay Sailor Moon had extended stretches where the Scouts were interchangeable). DC, pay attention to the creative team in this silly little corner of your universe. There's a lot more talent than you may be aware of.

Wonder Woman (2017)

And we're full circle. Gal Gadot is Wonder Woman. It remains to be seen what kind of range as an actress she has outside of Diana, but she's as perfectly cast in the role of Wondie as Ryan Reynolds is as Deadpool. Even when she's not on the screen you still feel her presence. The supporting male cast all make choices in the middle of wartime that are clearly influenced by their brief time spent with Diana; complete with the full spectrum of emotions that men usually avoid showing.

Diana herself never acts like she feels she has anything to prove, she merely has something she needs to do. She's naïve but not immature, innocent but not blind, vulnerable but not weak. One of my favorite moments in the film was where she and Steve were walking through the streets of London. The Amazonian was none too impressed with early twentieth civilization, eschewing the wide-eyed fascination Ariel had when sightseeing...um...Erictown (did The Little Mermaid ever name the human kingdom?). But then she sees a baby, and her face lights up. As an Amazon, she's never seen one before, and if she ever needed a physical representation of why she left the sanctity of her island, this was it. Diana is a fighter, but she's also a caretaker.

I don't know why it took so long for this film to be made, but in retrospect it was probably for the best; 1984's Supergirl and 2004's Catwoman are a pair of bullets those characters are still reeling from. Maybe we're just ready for her now, or maybe we're pointed in the wrong side of history and Wonder Woman is who we desperately need. In either case, she was worth the wait. I hope we're able to make her proud.