Chasing the Rabbit: Chapter Eight -VIP Treatment

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Six months ago...

The Disney studios has many secrets. Some of them are for its own preservation. Others serve its own creative amusement. And then there are those secrets which exist simply because they've become overlooked over time. Club 16 1/2 was a secret of that third variety.

Leftover from the golden years of animation, Club 16 1/2 had been a popular hangout spot for the numerous creatures of Silly Symphony fame when they weren't working in front of or behind the camera lenses. As the studio had evolved throughout the decades, the club entrance wound up facing away from the pedestrian traffic which was already minimal in that part of the grounds; almost like a back door to an unmarked building. In fact, it was unlikely that anyone who had joined the Disney family later than the mid-nineties was even aware of its existence. As such, the club had a bit of a nostalgic charm for the veterans of animation.

The place was now run by Toby Tortoise, who was certainly not the quickest counter-reptile, but he knew the precision ingredients of concoctions long thought lost. Anything from sarsaparilla floats to gooseberry daiquiris; if you knew how to order it, he knew how to make it.

It was a rarity to see any character of reasonable significance cross the threshold, so when Daisy Duck appeared in the doorway she found herself bombarded with greetings from Bucky Bug, Peter Pig, and every other alliterative name on the block. The upside to the inconvenient attention was the extra time it gave Toby to assemble the remainder of the drink order she'd called in.

"There ya go, Miss Duck," the tortoise gleamed triumphantly, "One pitcher of chocolate marshmallow Cointreau. What's the occasion?"

"It's Oswald's homecoming. Finally. Mickey thought a taste of the classic era would be a nice touch."

"Oswald?" said Toby, clearly behind the event. "When did we get him back?"

"Oh, you know..." Daisy held her tongue. It had been ten years since the trade, and the lucky rabbit was just now being given an office space. "Recently."

"Hey soda jerk!" came an irritated voice at the end of the counter. "Is this the self-service line?"

"Be right there, sir?" said Toby cheerfully.

Daisy cocked her head to the side. She knew that unmistakable lisp anywhere.

"Daffy?"

It was him; the little black duck with the white collar from the other terrace. He looked in her direction with two of the saddest eyes she'd ever seen on a duck. Daisy waddled over to him, passing Toby along the way.

"How did you get here?" she asked.

Daffy held up his keychain ID with the Roger Rabbit production stamp on it. "You guys have some really outdated security systems. And yet I still can't get a fast pass with it."

Daisy sat down at the neighboring stool. "Has something happened?"

Daffy set his beak on the countertop. "No. I just come here to think. Clear my head. Mope. And you? What's a VIP like you doing in the treasure vault like this?"

"Today is Oswald's official first day as an executive."

"Great," snorted Daffy. "More power to the rabbits."

The two ducks sat in silence while Toby made the last few steps over to the end of the counter. "And what can I get for my fine feathered friends?"

Daffy waved his hand dismissively. "Just give me something I'm gonna hate."

Daisy smiled. "Tom and Jerry, declawed".

Toby nodded and began the hike back to the other end of the counter. "Take your time," Daffy muttered, "I'm not going anywhere."

Daisy waited until the tortoise was respectfully out of earshot to speak again. "So what is this about Daffy?"

The WB duck drew in a slow breath. "It's really nothing out of the ordinary. It just gets to me sometimes. He gets to me."

"Bugs?"

"That carrot chomping, overbite-" Daffy erupted before realizing every other patron had taken notice of his conversation. "Yeah. Some days, it just really ruffles my feathers. I guess today is one of those days."

"So, do I understand that after seventy-five years, you still feel like he stole your thunder?"

"I don't know." Daffy set his bill in his hand. "I don't know what I'm feeling."

"I mean, if you don't mind me saying, didn't you horn in on Porky's territory?"

"Nah, Porky was fine with it. But the studio takes this sadistic glee in pitting us against each other. And it's ALWAYS the same result. 'Let's laugh at the duck'."

Daisy gave him a compassionate nod. "You're still getting laughs Daffy. They may be written at your expense, but people love you a lot more than you realize. I mean, don't you think anyone in this room would give their golden voice actor for your career?"

Daffy sighed. "Yeah, they are pretty pathetic, aren't they?" He checked his watch, dreading the ritual pummeling the studio had him scheduled for later that day. "What about you? Don't you ever get tired of playing second banana to that bow-headed rodent?"

"Well yes and no," Daisy admitted. "I always grumble inside a little whenever I walk past her statue on the Main Street hub. But then I think, second banana isn't a bad place to be. There's a certain freedom when eyes aren't always on you, and you don't always have to live up to the company's expectations. The top just seems boring to me."

Daffy's face softened a little. Maybe not to the point of smiling, but his disposition became a hair more optimistic. "You are one cel of Iwerks, Daisy."

She giggled. "I'll take that as a compliment."

Toby had returned with their drink orders, and each duck picked up their respective glasses.

"Just try not to forget," said Daisy, "We have something a lot of people don't have. A reason. For doing what we do."

Daffy sneered. "The stupid little kids."

Daisy clinked her glass against his. "To the stupid little kids then," and they both drank.

Daffy's mouthful never made it down his throat, as he spat it out almost instantly before giving Toby an accusatory glare. "CARROT JUICE?"



And several stories up in the executive building, Pete was beating a keyboard into submission with his index fingers while crooked letters and symbols popped up all over the computer screen. Mickey Mouse and Oswald the Lucky Rabbit stood on the sidelines, amazed at the sheer passion the large cat-dog-bear-whatever hybrid was investing in the task at hand.

Pete leaned back into the poor easy chair that was straining to support his weight. Satisfied with the mess of code he was seeing, Pete turned to Oswald and gestured to the security checkpoint. "Dere. Dat should do it."

Oswald stepped through the archway, greeted by a green light accompanied by a pleasant ding.

"It's official, you're in the system!" Mickey laughed. "Swell job Pete!"

The big guy ignored the compliment. "Bout time too. Now listen runt, this here's my pal! I expect ya to take good care a'him, see?"

Mickey gave him a half-serious salute. "Sure thing, Pete. You can count on me."

"And you!" He pointed at Oswald, never having quite figured out the difference between 'encouraging' and 'threatening'. "Doncha be afraid to speak up, ya hear? You and me've been in dis business longer'an anyone here. You got ideas? You make 'em listen to ya. You got it?"

Oswald nodded his head. "I got it. Thanks Pete."

"Now off with the both of ya! Some of us got work ta do."

Mickey just shook his head, giving Oswald a smile. He followed the rabbit through the archway, which suddenly lit up in red lights while the sound of an elderly woman's scream filled the hallway on a loop. Pete gave them both an embarrassed look, followed by a grimace when batting the side of the monitor didn't solve the problem. He finally just shooed them both out of the room with assurances that he could "fix dat".

The mouse and rabbit scurried down the hall passing Clarabelle and Donald, both of whom had poked their heads out to see what was going on. They breathed easy once they got to where they could hear themselves again. "Gosh, Oswald. I had no idea you and Pete were so close."

"Hey, I'm as surprised as you are," said Oswald. "I guess age leads to sentiment."

"Well, welcome aboard!"

Mickey led the rabbit into the main reception area, presenting it like it was a World's Fair exhibit. Oswald had been up there a few times before, but the furniture had been rearranged to accommodate several tables and chairs for the in-house lunch that was going to take place later. From the ceiling hung a banner that read 'Welcome Home Oswald'. Several staff members of varying species stepped away from their work to applaud his entrance.

Oswald blushed. "You guys didn't have to do this for me."

"Aw, it's the least we could do. That's Wendy, from H&R. Belle is our resident librarian. And I think you've met everybody else."

Oswald waved politely. "So this is where the magic happens."

"Nah, the real magicians are downstairs in the studio. This is where the seeds of magic are planted. Come on, I'll show you your desk. You're gonna love the view." Mickey guided Oswald down the side wing, pointing out the music hall and two meeting rooms. "Gideon and Foulfellow," he chuckled. "Named for their size. There're schedules on the doors in case anybody really needs 'em, but otherwise you can just go in there whenever. And this-"

Mickey ushered him into a nearly empty room with a small desk and chair and white grease boards for walls. On the desk sat a stack of paper and a single black marker. It was almost like walking into a blank page. For Oswald, it was perfect.

Mickey continued. "-is your home base. In a half hour or so, Horace'll bring the idea wagon around. I told him to give you first dibs on anything that strikes your fancy."

"How do ideas get in the idea wagon in the first place?"

"The board meets at least once a week. Anything that might have potential goes in the wagon."

Oswald sat in the chair, adjusted the height, and gave it a test spin. "And how do ideas get to the board?"

"Everybody's doors are always open. Like Pete says, if ya got something," Mickey pre-emptively giggled at his own joke, "I'm all ears."

Oswald leaned back in his chair and fidgeted with his marker, debating whether or not this was the time. He decided there wasn't a time, except for the one you made. "New stories with old characters."

"Like, sequels?"

"No, like crossovers. Like House of Mouse but without the cartoons." Oswald took a beat to see how Mickey reacted. It didn't seem like the mouse was entirely sold on the idea, so Oswald pushed it a little more. "What if the queen from Snow White had to stand trial for her actions, and they held it in the court from Mr. Toad? Or how would Lambert the Sheepish Lion be treated in Zootopia? Disney has a vast landscape of characters who got one shot at the limelight. What if we dropped those boundaries and let anybody interact with anybody else?"

Mickey shifted uncomfortably. "Gosh, I don't know. Do you really want somebody like Chernabog wanderin' around Sherwood Forest?"

"Well, that's just one example that doesn't work. What about somebody like Lampwick? Didn't you feel like there was a lot more to that story? Suppose Kenai finds him. Or maybe the lost boys are able to help the rest of those donkeys. Or what about the coachman? He never gets any comeuppance. Suppose he kidnaps a child and it shows up on the radar of the Rescuers."

Mickey had to admit, the idea had potential. In fact, there were a lot of possibilities. He still didn't think the board would go for it, at least not in the way Oswald was pitching it. But the rabbit clearly believed in the idea. And that had to count for something.

"If you don't mind me asking," said Mickey, "what was it that inspired this?"

Oswald absentmindedly popped the top off his marker and replaced it. "I have a second chance. To shine. To prove that there's life in me. How many others are there who want that, and never get it?" He lay the marker back on the desk and sat up straight in his chair. "There are a lot of great personalities in the Disney family and we only got to scratch their surface. I want them to have a shot."

Mickey smiled at Oswald, not his default smile, but a deeply personal one that only a select few had ever seen. "You're right," he said. "I'll pitch it to the board this afternoon."

"I mean," said Oswald, "The worst thing that can happen is they say 'no', right?"


Continue to Chapter Nine
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Chasing the Rabbit: Chapter Seven -One Step at a Time

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"What were you looking at Ape-man?" said Bagheera, speaking only to himself as he pushed the foliage to the side.

Several branches below him Jasmine was refusing to stay where he'd told her to, determined to continue the dangerous climb on her own. The panther had to admire her panache. For someone who appeared to be so fragile, the princess was not afraid of high places. "Did you say something?" she asked.

"Just thinking aloud." He leapt to a nearby limb and searched the brush again. This was the spot where he and Tarzan had their encounter and Bagheera was curious what the man had been so focused on. He'd invited Jasmine along as he found her to be the most agreeable of the man-pride, and he wanted the perspective of human eyes.

He finally found what he thought he was looking for; a crystal-like circle, about the size of a human paw, with a red glow emitting from within. "Here we go," he called to Jasmine, pleased that she had nearly scrambled up to the branch he was on. He batted at it, but the thing was wedged tightly into the nook of the tree. "What do you make of this?"

Bagheera scampered out of the way and Jasmine examined it, tapping on the surface. "It almost looks like a gemstone," she said, "but maybe not as solid. I think human hands made this." She pressed one eye against the surface. "I think there's something moving inside."

"Like a bird?"

"No more like a smaller circle twisting ever so slightly. Almost mechanical." She sighed. "I wish Genie were here. He'd know exactly what this is."

"This Genie? Does he invent things?"

"Not exactly." She lay her ear against the tree's trunk trying to find any unexpected sounds from within. "He's a magical being with thousands of years of experience. And since he hasn't found us yet, I'm really scared that something terrible has happened in Agrabah."

Jasmine listened to the trunk for a few moments before giving up on the approach. She took another minute to stare at the object in front of her, hoping for some bit of wisdom or insight, which never came. She never heard the voices from the other side pleading for her to hear them. She never saw the waving hands desperately trying to be seen. She only saw a circle twisting from within, and a red glow.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be of more help." She wrapped her arms around the panther's strong neck and prepared for a very fast journey downwards.

"No matter," Bagheera smiled. "We may have at least learned something."

"Really? What's that?"

"That someone has been here before us."



Back at the beach, construction on the larger shelter had been going smoothly, all things considered. Kronk had been an absolute machine when it came to splitting logs, and Tarzan was particularly adept at knowing how to lash them together. The two men had intuitively taken to cooperation with very little discussion.

Elsa had been off by herself collecting fronds that she thought might help keep out the rain. Kronk assured her that he was happy to tackle that assignment once he was done with the lumber, but Elsa insisted. She told him she didn't want to feel like an extraneous component; trying very hard not to glance in Frollo's direction, who seemed preoccupied with thinking a lot.

Tarzan balanced on the roof's frame when Elsa handed him her first batch of fronds. She mouthed the words "I'm sorry," but refused to make eye contact.

The ape-man was about to say something when a loud thunderclap-like sound struck from the nearby jungle, displacing several birds from their perches.

"What was that?" asked Kronk.

Tarzan stared undeterred in the direction of the sound. "Clayton," he said.

The other three looked at him curiously. "Clayton?" said Frollo. "Clayton who?"

Tarzan reproduced the sound with his own voice, causing Elsa to jump. "Clayton," he repeated.

Frollo rolled his eyes. "You are an idiot."

Elsa turned to Kronk. "Jasmine and Bagheera."

"Yeah, they could be in trouble." The big man broke into a sprint towards the direction of the sound. He was joined by Tarzan, who'd jumped from the top of the structure.

They only made it a few steps when the foliage separated revealing a strange shape with a bright light shining behind it. It appeared human but somewhat deformed in the face. On its head were long appendages that looked like horns in the backlight.

For a second everyone froze, and only Frollo could muster the will to say anything. "What demon is this?"

"RUN" came a voice, shrill yet somehow whispered. And in an instant the shape was gone leaving only a bright light that momentarily blinded everyone, followed by another 'Clayton'. One of the structure's logs splintered in all directions from a sharp force. Elsa stifled a scream while everyone else instinctively dropped to the sand. And as quickly as it had come, the being and the light was gone.

Again, Frollo had to speak first. "You see? This place is cursed!"

Kronk fruitlessly tried calming him. "Hold your horses there. We are in a jungle-"

"We need a BOAT not a residence! That demon could be anywhere!"

"No," said Tarzan. "Not demon."

Frollo shot him a look. "Oh, what do you know, you monosyllabic bushman? You probably worship the thing."

"Look, big guy," Kronk set his big palm on Frollo's shoulder. "I hear you on the boat idea. Once we find Jasmine and Bagheera, what's say we regroup and come up with a new plan?"

"We don't need the input of that egotistical-"

"Elsa!" barked Tarzan, both to shut Frollo up and direct his attention where it needed to be. Elsa propped herself against one of the nearby palm trees, pressing both hands against the left of her abdomen.

Kronk started in her direction but Elsa put up her hand. "Stay back!" She was bleeding.

"No!" cried Tarzan. He bounded across half the distance between them.

"Please!" she shrieked with a mixture of tears in her eyes.

"Elsa," he said as calmly as he could. "Tarzan help Elsa. Elsa trust Tarzan."

Elsa kept her hand up for a time. She'd been very lucky around Jasmine during the yeti attack, and since then she'd managed to hide her magic from everyone else. Except Tarzan, but he didn't seem to understand what it was. Now that Elsa was wounded, she really didn't think she'd be able to contain it. But she'd promised her sister that she'd try; try to let others in, to risk opening up. And the pain from the loose shard of wood that had found its way into her waist was becoming unbearable.

She hesitantly lowered her hand. "Elsa trust Tarzan."

Several yards away, Frollo huffed, "She's going to attract every beast on this island by nightfall."

Kronk gave him an optimistic smirk. "One step at a time, buddy."


Continue to Chapter Eight.
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A Tribute to Mystique for a Change of Face

I saw X-Men: Apocalypse over the weekend; and while I'm ready to throw in the towel on the whole alternate timeline dodge, I have to say this was the most satisfying X-Men movie I've seen since X2. It felt like all of the characters who needed to be in the movie were there. The near-absence of Wolverine strangely didn't stand out as a problem. And to my absolute delight, my favorite mutant ended on a happy note.

I'm not a big comic book reader. I respect the medium, but my brain doesn't seem to process where the hell I'm supposed to be looking next on the page to continue the action or two person conversation. So my access point to the world of mutants was through the nineties FOX Kids cartoon series. Right out of the gate I got attached to the character of Morph, because the ability to shape shift has always struck me as the coolest mutant power. And then in the second episode he was killed.

What a waste of a cool character with a bizarrely creepy laugh, and an even cooler superpower. I guess I like shape shifting because there's so many creative ways one can use it. Watching someone clawing their way through obstacles or blowing crap up just gets boring to me really fast. But with shape shifting, there's a real cerebral component when it's used correctly; anything from dramatic reveals to sight gags.

And then came Mystique. Not only was she a badass shape shifter. She was also blue. Now being a kid's cartoon, she was portrayed significantly softer than her comic book counterpart, and that may have affected why I honed in on her more human traits, compassion for other mutants as opposed to a murderous intent towards humans. In fact, the more I found out about her in the comics, the more...disappointed I became.

Now the problem with comic book franchise characters is they change hands so frequently. Magneto isn't always a villain and his viewpoint is much stronger when he's holding himself back. The same goes for Mystique, but depending on the writer she goes from being a freedom fighter to an actual serial killer. And when you accept all of this as canon, it makes her unlikable.

So I say screw continuity, and Marvel is in no position to get defensive. Let's look at five faces of Mystique and decide, definitively in this no-traffic blog somewhere on the internet, which face works the best.


1. The antagonistic plot device

This is obviously my least favorite. You see this Mystique pop up all over the comic books. I'm not convinced there is an actual character at play, so much as a challenge for the heroes to overcome. She has some goal (usually someone else's), and she doesn't succeed. And the heroes don't succeed in fully defeating her either. She may eliminate innocent (i.e. unimportant) people, but the target always survives, and she always loses, and Wolverine always wins, and whatever. This as the Mystique of the Sabretooth and Mystique series that may as well have just been Sabretooth, and the Get Mystique books which may as well have been Sure, This Matters. Hey Marvel, these stories don't make me want to read more of your stuff.


2. The sadistic lover

This is the Rebecca Romijn Mystique of the original X-Men trilogy. I loved Romijn's portrayal in the first 1 and 3/4 movies. Granted, she didn't have much to do. She had one measly line of dialogue in the first film. But so much of her character is left implied from her actions. Based on her expressions and the way she dotes on Magneto, she really seems to love him, not just agree with his methods. The problem is, in X2 the production team decided at the eleventh hour that Mags and Mysti are actually evil. Together they attempted genocide of the entire human race through Xavier. It's a moral line cross that simply cannot be overlooked. The Last Stand was irrelevant long before the studio decided it was.


3. The wounded slave

Now we're in the cartoon. Like in the comic books, Mystique really had almost no contact with Magneto. Her boss in the series was Apocalypse, and Mystique was more of a hired hand, with 'hired' probably meaning 'under the command of'. As I mentioned before, she was at her most vulnerable in this incarnation. Jennifer Dale, as Mystique's primary voice actress, brings a sense of teetering on the edge of defeat to many of her appearances. The mutant is pretty good at what she does, but victory always seems to slip away at the last second, and she may very well be heading to her own execution afterwards. A couple of highlights: the final episode of Beyond Good and Evil when she literally stabs Apocalypse in the back, and Bloodlines when Nightcrawler confronts her about abandoning him as a child.


4. The reluctant hero

This is the First Class Mystique portrayed by Jennifer Lawrence. Okay, I don't get the whole Jennifer Lawrence fever the world is on. I think she's fine as an actress, but I've never seen anything special about her. And by God, I could go the rest of my life never again hearing the phrase 'down to earth' used to describe her! So I never really warmed up to her performance as Mystique. Rebecca Romijn always went for it, while Lawrence just seems to make call. But her career took off after she was under a three picture contract, and I'm convinced this obligated the producers to Katniss up Mystique's role. And for that, I'm grateful. On the one hand, I'm really sick of the shit Magneto gets away with in this trilogy (have Xavier fry his brain, dammit!). But on the other hand I loved watching Mystique's journey veer toward Magneto's and then away. I like that she's thinking for herself, and she's choosing a side based on who is closest to what she believes, without ever adopting their viewpoint entirely as her own. Sure it's kind of hard to envision Mystique as a permanent X-Woman, but there's always hope. And that's a really nice feeling on which to end the trilogy.


5. The snarky anti-hero

The Brian K. Vaughan penned/Jorge Lucas illustrated graphic novel series is my absolute favorite portrayal of her royal Smurfetteness. She's not a hero and she's not meant to be one. But stick her in a world of espionage, quadruple-crossing, and head games, and you can really watch her dance. Blue is coerced into working for Xavier (with explicit instructions to not kill anyone) for a greater good. And as snide as she is about the situation, she really takes to it. A spy thriller is the genre Mystique was meant for. This short lived series gets her away from the brute hitters and let's her just explore who she is and what she values in a way previously not allowed. No, she's not a hero. She's a way, way cooler protagonist than that.

Chasing the Rabbit: Chapter Six -Left in the Dark

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The sound of the moonlit waves was almost loud enough to drown out the collective snores from Kronk and Frollo. Bagheera lay undisturbed next to the fading embers of the campfire. Tarzan prodded them gently with his spear to awaken the flame.

Satisfied that the heat would carry on for another half hour or so, the Lord of the Jungle turned his attention to the thick brush that clearly wasn't his domain. He surveyed it for any unexpected movement. But the jungle was patient and gave away nothing.

The soft footsteps in the sand behind him were masked by the rhythm of the ocean, but Tarzan felt the presence. He twisted with animal reflexes, spear ready.

"I'm sorry," whispered Elsa. "I didn't mean to startle you."

Tarzan grunted and relaxed his spear.

"You can't sleep either?"

"Not safe," said Tarzan.

"You feel that too? Like we're being watched?" Elsa paused for Tarzan to respond, but he only gave her a blank look. "Eyes." She used hand movements to indicate her own eyes before gesturing to the foliage. "In the jungle."

"Eyes." Tarzan repeated. "Jungle." The ape-man scurried over to where Elsa was standing, forcing her to take a few apprehensive steps backwards. "You feel?"

"I feel."

Tarzan stood a few feet away from Elsa. Arendelle's queen held her hands in front of her trying to indicate polite boundaries. Her fingers noticeably trembled.

"Elsa cold?" asked Tarzan.

"No. Just," she smiled awkwardly, "this may have been a bad idea."

"Bad. I-de-a?" He carefully sounded out the syllables, taking more of an interest in what Elsa was saying than she was comfortable with. He reached out a hand to mirror hers.

"Please!" She pulled her them both away. "Not safe."

The ape-man peered at her. "Elsa not safe?"

"No. Elsa not safe."

Tarzan gave her a reassuring grin. "Tarzan protect Elsa."

He reached out to take her hand again but she jolted at the movement. There was a flash of blue. One disorienting moment later Tarzan found a layer of frost on his face, a substance with which he was unfamiliar. Elsa had fallen backwards to the ground with terror in her eyes. Tarzan shook the frost off and stared blankly at her.

"I'm sorry," said Elsa. She glanced at the fire, making certain no one else had woken up. Tarzan still seemed unclear as to what had happened. The Ice Queen jumped up and ran back to the hut where she'd come from. "This was such a bad idea," she repeated to herself.


And miles away, someone was laughing.

"Elsa, is it? How intriguing."

The imposing figure turned attention to the recently acquired slave of the Underworld. Meg's hand hovered in the air, reaching out to the glowing wisp in front of her but frozen like a statue.

"Now then," came the voice of the shadow, "You were saying?"

"Look!" Meg sprung to life, replaying a significant point in her life. "I know what I did was wrong, but this isn't about me. It's about him!"

The shadow froze her again, disinterested in the direction her narrative was going. Memories poured through her backwards. And then she was free to speak again.

"What are you doing? Without your strength, you'll be killed!"

"Further back, Megara," the figure commanded.

Meg squirmed like she was entwined in a serpent. "Hercules! Don't listen to him-" and her voice was cut off. Somewhere in the distance she heard him. Hades. Bargaining her life for Hercules's strength. And she couldn't stop it. She tried screaming but her body was paralyzed.

"Meg," She could recognize his sneer anywhere. "A deal's a deal. You're off the hook."

But nothing happened. She remained in stasis.

"You're of no use to me," the shadow's voice told her.

Hades continued, revealing Meg's role in the scheme to rid the son of Zeus of his power, and Meg could only bear witness to it. She heard her name spoken by a different voice, a kinder one, but the memories were too strong for her. She watched as Hercules sauntered away, broken and defeated.

And she wanted nothing more than to run after him.

"Miss Megara! Please! Wake up!"

Meg felt herself being gently rocked. The coliseum dissolved into a darkened chamber. The only thing Meg's eyes could make out was a glowing crystal orb sitting on a table in the middle of the room. From within played the image of Hades's imps tormenting Hercules in his lowest hour.

"Hades!" Meg growled, stepping towards the ball.

"No Miss Meg!" Alice grabbed her arm before she could fall through a huge gap in the floor. Somewhere below was the sound of a large creature's jaw snapping.

"What was that?" screeched Meg.

Alice poked her head over the edge. "I believe it's a crocodile." She moved back over to where Meg was pressed against the wall and gave her an embrace to try calming her. Meg held on tightly. "Are you all right?"

Meg had to take a moment to steady her erratic breathing. "No," she said. "No I'm not." On top of her second brush with falling to her death in the same day, she'd just had to relive one of the most painful moments of her life. "And I won't take it lying down."

A second later Meg was on her feet, running out of the room with Alice trailing. The passageway opened up onto a long balcony overlooking some long out of use ballroom.

"Miss Meg, where are we going?"

"No idea, kid."

Alice ran as fast as she could, but her legs were no match for Megara's. "Then how will you know where to look?" she called out.

"Gut instinct!" came the response as Meg disappeared around the corner.

Alice reached the same spot and hopped up a small set of stairs. She found herself in an attic cluttered with boxes and paintings. Meg was still in this room because she called out to someone to stop where they were. Alice scrambled around an old chair covered in a cloth and nearly ran into Meg from behind.

The being Meg was addressing was quite tall, draped in black robes, with a pair of dark horns either as a headdress or actual skull protrusions. All things being equal, Alice would prefer to have left the figure alone, but her friend was understandably angry and hurt, and that tended to create a contagious aura of courage.

"You almost got me killed!" Shouted Meg.

The figure refused to face them. "And what concern is it to me what becomes of either of you?"

"Because I know your kind! Pure ego, no sense! You could have just asked me!"

"Me?" The figure spun around revealing the green face of a stern woman, perhaps a witch. "Ask? Like a common sheep? I am Maleficent! The mistress of all evil!"

Meg was clearly about to say the wrong thing when Alice jumped into the conversation. "Pleased to meet you." She curtseyed. "You must be very important."

Maleficent gave Alice a suspicious glare, like she was dissecting her. "I am."

"Well, my name is Alice. And this is my good friend Miss Megara. I believe you'll find us quite unimportant."

Maleficent smirked. "Quite."

"Your majesty," Alice curtseyed a second time on reflex. "Perhaps it's a presumptuous inquiry, but can you tell us why we have both been brought to this strange land?"

Maleficent slid across the floor toward Alice. "Yes, child. It is presumptuous. And you are unimportant." She stared down at the girl for a moment before waving a dismissive hand. "Go. Off with the pair of you, while I'm feeling generous."

"Of course, your grace." As soon as the mistress of all evil's back was to them, Alice's pleasant expression changed to one of pleading as she gently tugged on Meg's hand to leave. But Meg ignored it.

"You don't know, do you?" said Meg.

Her challenging tone rekindled Maleficent's glare. Despite every impulse she had to run, Alice couldn't help but admire the older woman's audaciousness.

"That's why you were in my head. Looking for answers."

"Miss Meg," Alice gave her an awkward grimace.

"No. I'm right, aren't I? You're as confused as we are."

"How dare you!" A stiff current swirled through the attic, blowing every loose bit of cloth and strand of hair in all directions. "I am the m-"

"Mistress of all evil," interrupted Meg. "Yes, I'm sure that counts for something. But not so much here, does it?"

"Disrespecting me is a dangerous choice."

"That," Meg shifted her weight to one hip, "is why I'm not disrespecting you."

She and Maleficent locked gazes while the flow of wind softened to stillness. The sorceress laughed. "You have conviction."

"Megara. Former pawn of the dead. And the lexicon of syllables here is convinced that she's dreaming all of this."

"Contrariwise-" began Alice, but no one was listening to her.

"And you, Megara, "said Maleficent. "What do you believe?"

Meg drew in a breath before answering. "I haven't decided yet."

"But you have an idea that has been gnawing at you."

Meg glanced at Alice, debating whether or not she should speak her mind in front of the innocent girl. But Meg figured that keeping Alice in the dark would only make it worse in the long run. "I think we all may be dead."

Maleficent laughed harder now. It was unclear to Meg whether it was a way-off-base laugh or a delighted confirmation. Maleficent ran her hand over the ball at the end of her staff and the image of Meg and Alice's journey through the woods from several hours prior played through it. Meg watched as she tried to insult Hades into appearing. From an outside viewpoint, it was embarrassing.

"I think it's fair to say your Hades is not coming for you." The image faded to blackness. "Does that comfort you, or set you at unease?"

"It doesn't answer anything."

"Observe," said Maleficent. Images of Kronk, Jasmine, and the rest appeared in the ball.

"Who are they?"

"Others." The images vanished again.

"What's the connection?" asked Alice.

"It's a mortal failing, searching for connections where there may be none. I've searched this entire land for answers." An overhead view of the Headless Horseman galloping across the meadow appeared, and the image pulled back revealing a large land mass surrounded by ocean. "Up close and from afar. And I have learned two things about it. This world in which we find ourselves is both finite and incongruous."

"What does that mean?" asked Meg.

Alice spoke up. "It means ill-harmonious. Discordant."

"I know," Meg huffed, before regaining her composure, "what the word means, sweetie."

Maleficent chuckled to herself. "It means this has all been prearranged." Maleficent waited to see how the two young ladies reacted to the conclusion. Megara had to catch her own jaw from opening, whereas Alice's eyes seemed to wander in thought. "Tell me, does that comfort you?"

"I guess it depends on who has prearranged it."

"For that, you're going to have to seek answers elsewhere." Maleficent glided away from them and a green flame appeared around her silhouette. "Farewell for now," she exclaimed as the glow flared and shrunk into a tiny dot before disappearing entirely.

For a moment Alice and Meg were blinded by the change in lighting, and they felt for each other's hand. As soon as they could make out vague details of the attic they started walking back toward the doorway they'd come through.

"Come on kid," said Meg. "This place has a ballroom. Let's see if it has a kitchen as well."

Continued in Chapter Seven.

Return to the table of contents.

Welcome to the Wooly Side

Thank you kindly for visiting my blog. My name is Sean, and I'm a professional loafer and procrastinator.

I started this blog in 2014 primarily with the intention of compiling everything I'd written (that I felt was at least worth a skim) into one place. Then I started writing some new stuff, and the whole project turned into this massive nuisance. After over a hundred entries, I thought it might benefit anyone who stumbles into this site to have a bit of organization. As such, this blog provides links to other blogs in my self-proclaimed portfolio, with a brief description warning you of what you're getting into.

What is the wooly side? Boy, you'd think I'd know. I've heard of people being wild and wooly, and the wild side of life is of very little interest to me. But for some time now I've imagined that there must be a wooly side to balance it out, made up of reasonably unobtrusive inhabitants that may not be magical enough to fall into the realm of fantasy, but are also a bit too odd to feel comfortable swimming in the mainstream. To date, I haven't actually taken a stroll alongside a mammoth like the image on the site suggests (that's not even me, by the way), but I've always suspected I would quite get along with a magnificent creature like that.

So anyway, thank you again for stopping by, and please help yourself to any/all of the offerings available.


Short Stories

Not to suggest that writing short stories is easy per se, but I find that (minus a few exceptions) it requires the least amount of planning. Polish certainly, but when the muse hits you just right you can really reap the benefit of an inspired beginning, middle, and end. Here are the short stories that I feel at least work on some level.

The Unseen Kingdom
This is a faerie tale I wrote for my two act stage show End of the World in 2005. Like so many of my short stories, it's meant to be read out loud. The story is clearly a retelling of the opening to Sleeping Beauty, with an emphasis on why laughter is so important.

The Opening Line
A short story about writer's block, probably autobiographical. It's me versus my inner critic and reader, with special nagging by the muse herself. And not to spoil the ending, but the opening line never reaches its predicate.

A Thousand Words
A flash fiction piece that is literally a thousand words. An upper-classed snob has delusions of immortality when her overworked servant Marguerite delivers her portrait. I was trying to tap into an Edgar Allen Poe/Robert Browning mindset. In the end I think I wandered into dark humor territory. No regrets though.

A Current Event
This was just a silly story for which I found the seeds in an old notebook and thought I might try dusting it off to see what became of it. I'll admit it's more of a B-side tale, but I think it has a bit of a charm to it.

A Glass of Wine
I'd had this one in my head for a while, and Short Story Week 2015 was the perfect way to force me into writing it out. After the previous entry which only had one spoken sentence, I wanted to tell a story entirely in dialogue. Royalty, political subtext, and murder, all under 700 words.

Thinking Inside the Box
This was part of one of my early nanowrimo years. I got scolded by a featureless fiction character in my head. I love what came from the encounter, even if there's nothing else I can do with apart from posting it to a blog.

The CORE of PSD
I got to tap into my dark humor a little with this one. I was in graduate school for library studies, and I'd been having to read an endless procession of dull articles that convinced me even the writers couldn't have cared less about the subjects. So I decided to make up my own little anecdote in cataloging history, and then pull my hair out writing an academic article about it.

The Protagonist
My first flash fiction piece! Suppose you turn out to be a completely irrelevant character in somebody else's story? I guess you might be entering the real world or something.

MTV's House of Horror
This one's a bit of an oddity. Celebrating Halloween I created a mental walk-through haunted house based on the golden decade of MTV music videos. Essentially, I'm describing what you see as you stroll down the corridors. The full list of references appears at the end; 79 in total.

Hallmark Presents -A Very Depressing Thanksgiving
Keeping with the holiday theme, I bump into the mascot of Thanksgiving itself. The turkey is having an esteem crisis because the surrounding holidays are way cooler. It's hard to tell, but I think I made things a little better.

The Nothing Special Christmas Special
If this were made into an actual Christmas special, I'd expect this to be the final act. Suzy Snowflake has been unsuccessful getting an official Christmas special off the ground and has returned to the North Pole right at the end of the season. But maybe there's a little Christmas magic left in an unexpected place.

Playing a Glissando
Certainly not one of my favorite titles, but I kind of enjoyed the story of a divorcee dealing with an overbearing ex. This sequence was originally devised as part of The Carousel, but I never could transplant it into Caris's life anywhere. As such it became it's own thing centered around a one-shot character.

Stakes and Ratings
I'd been watching some of Bob Newhart's standup, and I imagine some part of me tried to emulate his unemulatable style. As we were approaching Halloween, I naturally started thinking about things like vampires. One idea, what do vampires dream about? Another, what if vampire hunters had a Rachel Ray type television show? These two ideas congealed into this result.

The Journey to the Journey
Another title I'm really not fond of, and I couldn't even remember what this was about before calling it up. I tried writing in a different style, forgoing plot in favor of a general concept. This is based on a father I once saw at an airport interacting with his son. The encounter just stayed with me.

The Elevator
Man, I had a series of undescriptive titles for Short Story Week 2016. This was a suspense piece I wrote for Flash Fiction Night back in 2011. I've never figured out why I name some characters and not others, but here is a week in the tedious life of Leon, who's working a temp job as an elevator attendant. There is a clear breaking point.

Sacrificing the Lamb
Another 'verbing the noun' title, but at least this one gives some indicator of what's going on. Part fable with a dash of frame story, sometimes things change simply because they do.

The Maul of America
This may or may not become a tradition with me, but I wanted to do another spook house attraction for Halloween. I took Universal's original horror icons and stuck them in a shopping mall setting. Mainly just describing the tourist's experience walking through the attraction.

Three Christmas Short Stories
This was a single blog I did to churn out three very short Christmas themed stories. For "The True Meaning of Christmas" I tapped into my inner sarcastic child and played with a few of the basic tropes. "Angel on Campus" was based directly off of an encounter that happened to my mom while she was still in college (with my own embellishments, since I wasn't there). And "Hurry Down the Chimney" is part of The Carousel (see below). My demon character is in a rarely utilized 'up' mood and she's trying her hand at decorating the condo for Christmas, despite having no former knowledge of what goes where and why.

Kingdom Hearts: The Game That Never Will Be
Kind of in the same vein as my spook house blogs, this is a descriptive account of a Kingdom Hearts spin-off game I would make if I happened to fall into the director's seat of a videogame company. A new villain, new creatures, and a few more Disney properties to check off the list.

The Dragon I Met
This was a story told through six journal entries and a mediocre acrostic poem. A dabble in literary fiction (a genre I hate), this was filler for a breakout room event that our library hosted. I'm writing as an arrogant scholar from London on a walking tour through Scotland in the 1800's. His journey intertwines with tales of a majestic creature of the deep. For Nessie.

Love: Nothing
This is a fun little piece of fan fiction set in the Mario-verse. Princess Peach gets bullied on her own tennis court by a 'Wa-Princess'. It's not always a plumber who comes to the rescue.

It Just Is
Man, I have no idea why this one was so popular! Possibly because it's short. Middle of Short Story Week and my mind went completely blank. So I dug through some old nanowrimo stuff and found this bit of surrealism (probably the same voice from Thinking Inside the Box, see above). I can't and shan't explain it. As per title, it just is.

There's No Pleasing Some People
This could have been a comedy sketch, but I went the short story route instead. Anyone who works in customer service fantasizes about getting away with crap like this.

The Checkered Game of Death
My 2017 haunted house attraction blog, centered around the theme of board games. This time I created a back story for the haunts to offset the over descriptiveness of the walk through.


The Carousel

The centerpiece of my fiction is a little garden I call The Carousel, based around two primary protagonists Caris and Zelphina. Caris is the kind of character you'd expect to find in a cozy mystery, but it seems her story got misshelved in the sci-fi/fantasy section where she fell in love with the demon princess Zelphina. Here's a little introduction.

Not in a Lodge (partial): A short ghost story I hope to finish very soon.

Caris's Welcoming: If I ever manage to get a draft of my first novel up and running, this is going to be the prologue.

Love and Possession: Another partial piece that may or may not ever see completion. Caris's best friend is about to marry a preacher with a teenaged daughter named Becky. But things go sour when Becky becomes possessed by a supernatural force.

Punchline Sold Separately: This was just a silly conversation between the girls, where no-nonsense Zel is having difficulty grasping the rubrics of a knock knock joke.

After the Fall: A snippet from the first novel detailing Caris and Zel's first kiss. Again, based on the current status of the draft I may have to rework it entirely. *sigh* Oh well.

PhantomCon's Panel: Something fun I wrote for myself, as if my fictional characters attended a fictional fan convention to answer questions from a fictional audience. I discovered that Zel really isn't too fond of me. Part two is here.

In Theaters Friday (mid-2078): A nanowrimo exercise. If my story were to be turned into a movie, what would the preview look like? Well not this since so much has changed, but it looks pretty cool anyway.

Splash Fiction: This short piece focuses only on Zel, demonstrating her social awkwardness at a pool party, and the slapstick she tends to attract.

Caris Runs On: The final day of Short Story Week 2015. Caris tells a 648 word story composed of a single sentence.

The Haunted Hayride (100th Post Party): My one hundredth blog. I decided to do another meta-piece by taking some of my characters on a hayride tour of my childhood nightmares. Zel and I come to an understanding.

A Room Without a View: This was part of a creative writing course I took last autumn. I was hoping to use the assignments to create a full story, but that didn't happen. Caris is a scare actor in a fake haunted house that actually turns out to be haunted.

Calm Tides: This was from the same class right around the time I'd given up on the way it was structured. More Zel-centric, she and Anomaly come to an 'understanding'.

The Call of Mardi Gras: I practically went three weeks in a row starting new stories. I haven't come back to this one yet, but it's still on my to do list.

150th Blog: Writing What You Know: I get to hang out with Caris for a little bit; kind of doing a fan fiction of my own fiction. Surreal, huh?

Missed Direction: For Short Story Week 2016 I'd wanted to write a Zel-centric story, but I discovered she's a really hard protagonist to crack. But then I opened up the month of Halloween and I think I found an access point. Zel fills in as a fortune teller. But she's not exactly overflowing with people skills. It's why I love her.

A House Call: This will ideally be a segment of the first chapter of the first book. Slow going, but never abandoned.

Paradise Restructured: A segment from one of my Camp Nanowrimos, strangely not involving either Caris or Zel. This is kind of an experiment to see if I need to reconsider just a first person narrative in order to convey information to the reader. Signs are looking good.

200th Blog: The Wooly Side's Open Mic Night (and a Cow Named Rover): Wow, it's really been 200 blogs! I just kind of turned all of my characters loose for the evening to see what would happen. It turned into kind of a fun combination of poetry, prose, lyrics, and script. Of course Zel had to take center stage. She's a lot more of a spotlight hound than she wants to admit.

Her Weight in Goldilocks: This, I'm pleased to say, is a Carousel short story that actually works as a standalone. You don't really have to know Caris and Zel personally to follow conflicting feelings about babysitting. My Short Story Week 2017 kickoff piece.

Buried Treasure: And this was Short Story Week 2017's finale. Caris is narrating her mini-golfing day out with Zel on International Talk Like a Pirate Day, which she naturally turns into an allegory. I never would have guessed it, but I seem to have a knack for writing romance (in small bursts, mind you).

Next Game: I was writing more Carousel stuff for Camp Nanowrimo. Zel seems lost when she's not in combat, even if it's more psychological than physical. I don't know if Zel is even capable of playing a purely friendly game of pool, but that's hardly an option here.

A Scoop of Mashed Potatoes On Top of a Manhole Cover: I kicked off Short Story Week of 2018 with a bit of an internal argument about what does and doesn't constitute art. I'll admit it's not my best story, but I quite liked framing it amidst a conversation between Caris and myself.

The Bridge and the Troll: This one was better. I always feel at home when I revisit classic folk/fairy tales, and this one gave me an outlet for some character snark to snark combat.

The Semantics of Murder: Sometimes I just have to try a gimmick in a short story. To say what it is would spoil the fun, but suffice to say things are not what they're meant to appear as.

For the Dental Plan: This could just as easily have been a comedy sketch, but I kept it in story format because it's a little easier to keep the plot going that way. It starts with an employee being called into a meeting with the boss, and it slowly derails from there.

I Hope You Like Her: I'd been reading up on the synopses of various Twilight Zone episodes. Not all of them were horrifying, but the pattern had the focus on some sort of odd situation with a reveal at the end. It's kind of a nice writing exercise. This is my result.



Multi-Chapter Stories

I have a group of longer pieces that are encompassing multiple chapters. One is my five chapter Scooby Doo fan-fiction called Scooby-Doo's Unsolved Mystery, with a link to the first chapter.

I'm also writing an EPIC Disney themed fan-fiction called Chasing the Rabbit, again with a link to the first chapter here. It's obviously a work in progress, but I'll be updating the Table of Contents page (see below) as I go.

I also have an ongoing over-the-top humorous piece called The Wax Buzzard Files (obviously a cheap version of a Maltese Falcon). This is what I work on when I have writer's block. Prologue link here. Best of luck.

The Table of Contents to these stories is here.


Poems

Do you like poetry? I'll rephrase that. Do you tolerate poetry? Good. here's a list of things I've posted that rhyme:

Demi Caper -a parody of Because I Could Not Stop for Death by Emily Dickinson
The Kamyl -a parody of The Tyger by William Blake
The King and Me -a satirical summary of the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical "comedy"
The Final Word/EOW Parade -from my stage show End of the World. Parodies (notice a trend?) of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious and the chorus of Sharing a Dream Come True
Ostrich -also from End of the World, a hoedown styled tale of courage and feathers
End of the World -take a guess. This was our closing song for the show. Call me some time and I'll sing it for you personally
Family Game Night -a song parody of Uncle Cracker's Follow Me, about the hair pulling blandness of playing a full game of Monopoly
Faeriesong/Cruel Tragedy -in my opinion, my best lyrical work. My recurring character Vanessa gets a little help managing her depression from an ethereal admirer
Poetry Slam -a half dozen poems from my younger days. Includes Opening Night, When it's Over, Neurosis, Song of the Spyre, Debbie Kicked Me, and Star of Love
The Siren -day seven of my self-commanded short story week; melancholic lyrics to a Loreena McKennitt type song that currently only resides in my head
My Own Private Grinch -This idea started out very differently. I intended to write a story about an eating disorder using the Grinch as my metaphor. Then I thought I might try opening the story in the typical Dr. Seuss verse. Then I thought I might close it that way as well. Then things got out of control
Giving Me Grief on Logo -after a brief-ish dissertation on what I've learned about parody writing, I demonstrate the lessons by reworking Ricky Martin's classic Livin La Vida Loca into a hate letter addressed to my time in Disney's parades department
An Adolescent Valentine's Day -A full dozen poems from my high school/college years dusted off and commented on. Includes Lee of the Rock, Iambic Tetrameter No. 239 in C Flat, "St. Virginia", "The question's allusion", The First Snowfall, "The snow and the wind and the mist", Eye-Contact, At the End of the Rope, An Overdose of What?, "No deeper cave", One More Chance, and "Every time I think I fall in love"
Return to Nevermore -This is a Janet Jackson parody that I've had kicking around in my head for decades and finally decided to take seriously. I turn "Black Cat" into "Black Bird" (yeah I know, real creative) and cram as many Edgar Allen Poe references into it as I can while still having it make the least bit of sense.
Poetry Slam Revisited: Ten Degrees of Frost -I took another round of going through the old college notebooks. A friend of mine once assured me that no writing is wasted writing. I have yet to receive feedback from her on this one. Includes Slipping Through Woods on a Snowbound Evening, A Question to Lewis Carroll, Innocence, When It's Over (Redux), Kitten, Blind Fury, Visions Fade, "Oh My God I've Been Shot", Footprints, and Connection.
Camino Real -Take Tennessee Williams's most amorphous plot line and cram it into Peter Gabriel's "Steam". On second thought, don't. I've got it covered.


Sketches

I also write short scripts. Here are a few entries that fall under this category.

Grand Exit -A four minute skit involving anthropologists and a mummy.
Casting Feud -My first (debatably) paid gig. This was an unproduced PSA for Disney cast members to receive an info dump about the goings on of the Casting Department. I hear they both loved it, and didn't want to do it.
The Laugh Liberation Front -Can you write a sketch about people who think they're funny, but aren't, and it still be funny? Well, I believe I can.
Every Wolf Has His Day -Part of Short Story Week 2015, this wound up becoming a script instead. I really want to try this with puppets some time.
The Heavenly Court (excerpt) -Another of my many, many unfinished projects. What if Nature filed a lawsuit against God for copyright infringement? That's a question I never quite get around to asking, much less answer, in this opening stage show scene.


Reviews

I also tend to criticize the work of people more successful than me because it makes me feel better. Here is everything that falls under this umbrella.

The Next Food Network Star (2014): Back when my blog was young and directionless, I thought it might be a fun experiment to review season whatever of The Food Network's attempts to salvage its dignity after sabotaging several contestants the year before. Check out my mission statement, followed by reactions to week one, week two, week three, week four, week five, and week six before I finally just gave up and stopped caring anymore. It's a fun ride.

I'm a big Weird Al fan. In a time where the impending release of his presumably final album is in the scope, I do a full retrospective on his music. First, I don't shut up about what I'm planning to write about. Then I delve into his self-titled debut album, In 3-D, and Dare to be Stupid. After that I hit up Polka Party, Even Worse and the UHF soundtrack. Subsequently I take on Off the Deep End, Alapalooza, and Bad Hair Day. Postliminary is the summation of Running with Scissors and Poodle Hat. Ensuing abaft thereupon subsists recapitulations of Straight Outta Lynwood and Alpocalypse. And then I wrap it all up with a review of Mandatory Fun and have to go find something else to do.

You want Muppets? I got Muppets. I do a ranking of the various Muppet films in two parts, one and two to be precise. I also review the ABC series that deserves way more credit than it gets.

I threw in the towel on The Simpsons a long time ago, but I still poke my head in for the Halloween specials. I did a review of Treehouse of Horror XXV, and the following year I did a more encompassing retrospective of the whole series.

Disney films are inescapable. This is an ongoing series where I take a hard look at the films of the past and (eventually) the present. The classes include Princess 101 (Snow White, Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty), Disney's Animated Dark Age (One Hundred and One Dalmatians, The Sword in the Stone, The Aristocats, Robin Hood, The Fox and the Hound, The Black Cauldron, The Great Mouse Detective, and Oliver & Company)  Princess 201 (The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, and Aladdin), Music Appreciation (Fantasia/Fantasia 2000), the Extended Family (the Pixar films), the Disney boys (Pinocchio, Peter Pan, and The Jungle Book), the Winnie the Pooh films (The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh, The Tigger Movie, Piglet's Big Movie, Pooh's Heffalump Movie, and Winnie the Pooh), and the underrated classic (A Goofy Movie).

I haven't seen the National Lampoon's Vacation remake, and I don't plan to. But it doesn't mean I can't review it based on the trailer and personal bias, right?

Maybe not a straight up review of the Paranormal Activity franchise, but a reaction nonetheless.

Another reflective piece, this time on video game company Rare, with special attention to the Nintendo years. You know. The period that matters.

Scooby Dooby Doo! Contrary to popular belief, not every story in this franchise is the same. Some are way cooler than others. You want my top picks? Too bad! You're getting them!

We're in the insanely golden years of superhero films. And what more appropriate way is there for a nerd like me to celebrate than by griping and backbiting over unimportant details. I take on the Marvel Cinematic Universe Phase One and Phase Two, the X-Men trilogy of trilogies, and the Batmen versus the Supermen.

It's hard to take The Rocky Horror Picture Show seriously, but damn it, I'm going to try. Set aside about half an hour to read my review/summary/explication of this cult classic.

Welcome to My Nightmare by Alice Cooper is an awesome album. When I found out he'd done a sequel to it in 2011 I had to review them both together. For Halloween no less. I'm so clever.

Speaking (quite a bit) of horror, I have a love/hate relationship with the Saw franchise, and I'm not afraid to curse about it. Bring the kids.

Who doesn't love James Bond theme songs? No, seriously. I'm looking for somebody to beat up. Well, except not all of them are equally good. Hell, a couple of them aren't even worthy of their opening credits sequences. Yes, I have some pretty well defined opinions on that matter, thanks for asking.

I saw Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Big surprise, huh? I also wrote a review of it. Because I was so sure nobody else would think to do that.

My 2015 movie wrap-up. I just touch on a few highlights, about a paragraph a film. I expect this will become an annual thing. Oh, by the way, I saw Star Wars.

I grew up on Heart's music, and having just procured tickets to see the Wilson sisters live in concert I wanted to spotlight some of my favorite songs from the band. And so I did. And the sun rose a little sunnier the next morning.

Roxette's Joyride is a tribute to one of my favorite musical groups. I have it listed as an editorial, but I was wrong to do so. It will never happen again.

Wow, the Ghostbusters reboot certainly stirred up some heated words amongst the internet dwellers. Was that all for naught, or should the franchise have left well enough alone? Well I have answers.

I was looking forward to the remake of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. But then I watched it. And then I was looking forward to reviewing it.

I was actually in a short film called The Ogre. If you want to know what I thought about the result, then look no further! Seriously don't. The link to it was a few sentences back.

There is an official listing of the Top 10 Animated Shorts (50 actually, but I DO have a life, you know). I run through the lineup to see how well I think they hold up, in two blogs: 10-6 and 5-1.

And here's my 2016 movie wrap-up. Don't you love it when things turn into traditions?

For Halloween 2017 I took Meat Loaf's Bat Out of Hell Trilogy and did kind of a review/analysis hybrid, pretending I was putting on all three albums as a massive opera. The results were...long.

The Ghosts of Christmas Specials was part blog but mostly review of three of my favorite Christmas specials; namely the Mystery Science Theater 3000 version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, The Bells of Fraggle Rock, and ALF's Christmas Special.

And...my third annual buffet of film reviews with the 2017 movie wrap-up.

Review of Jesus Christ Superstar Live in Concert. This blog is exactly what it sounds like it is.


Editorials

When I run short of creativity, I occasionally write blogs that are closer to the spirit of actual blogs (you know, taking a topic and rambling incessantly about it). Here they are listed by title.

Is Rock and Roll dead?
The Curse of the Halloween Soundtrack
Eddie Murphy's Law: An Immobile Object Can Never Keep Up
Why Does it Matter if Han Shot First?
Seven Miscast Characters (and One to Grow On)
Five Signs You've Become an A***ole at Disney World
Happy Birthday Pac-Man!
This Week's Shiny Object: Caitlyn Jenner
Giving Katherine Heigl a Left-Handed Compliment
Who is Monty Python?
Shows in Need of a Reboot: Ranma 1/2's Character Changes
This Week's Shiny Object (with Guest Blogger Sarah DeArmond): Quiverfull and the Duggars
Doctor Who and Steven Moffat
It's Your Sequel, Lucy van Pelt!
The Twelve Obscure Carols of Christmas
Seven Little Pitfalls of Caroling
Alice Eve, the Young Turks, and an Offensive Joke
When is Criticism Constructive?
The Obstacle of Shallow Faith
I'd Like to Thank the Academy, But I'm Not Going To
Video Games as Art -Thanks for Everything, jayisgames.com
Sarasaland's Superstar (Why Daisy Needs Her Own Game)
A Tribute to Mystique for a Change of Face
Cowbania's Fantasy Summer Olympic League
Batman Minus Batman
Chromatic Dragon Con -The Other People's Convention
How Christmas Stole the Grinch (A Comparative Look at Christmas Films)
Merry Christmas! Let's Go Caroling!
The Liberal Christian
A Video Game Case of Sequelitis
Six Children's Songs Way Cooler Than They Should Have Been
Because I'm Alternative Batman
Why Does Sailor Moon Resonate?
So You're Locked in a Room
Shows in Need of a Reboot: Snarfquest
How the Odyssey2 Created Magic
Why Maleficent is Disney's Alpha Female
Super Punch-Line!! (Arcade Edition)
Wonder Woman: Arriving Precisely When She Means To
5 Tips for People Who Want to Give Chris Chibnall Tips About Showrunning Doctor Who
Eight Video Game Characters Who Deserve a Comeback
My Top Ten Favorite Death Scenes in Films
13 Frightening Entrances: The Best Horror Theme Songs
9 Trick or Treating Tips: I'm a Fluffy Bunny
Doctor Who: What Would You Do if You Were Steven Moffat?
How to Fail at Humor -A Survival Primer
Why the Rock-afire Explosion is the Greatest Cover Band Ever
A Dozen Break-up Songs -The Bittersweet Candygram (with Guest Blogger Sarah DeArmond)
Cowbania's Fantasy Winter Olympic League
Updates: The Uncooperative Muses and the Librarian Medley
The League of Super Bystanders
Should Elsa Have a Girlfriend?
Unmasking the Bogeyman
Point, Click, Die: The Museum of Haunted Adventure Games (90's Edition)
2019 Movie Previews
Should Radio Stations Pull 'Baby It's Cold Outside' Out of Rotation?
Finding a Host for the Oscars (My Nominees)
Ten Lessons from Ten Years of Marriage (with Guest Blogger Sarah DeArmond)
How I'd Change Endgame if I had the Infinity Gauntlet
The Flightless Bird Pride Parade
An Open Letter: Where is the Evidence of God?
The Halloween Monster Auditions


About Me

Perhaps you're interested in a little bit about me. Aside from the basics, like all the usual toes and vital organs, I have quite a bit of fun giving sarcastic answers to personal questions (particularly in survey format). You can read the ones I filled out in March 2007, April 2008, May 2008, Summer 2008 (obviously a slow year for me), Thanksgiving 2008, September 2009, one long awaited follow-up in May 2015, a November 2016 revival and a March 2018 reunion.
My laptop broke on me and I went a few months without posting anything. Then I got a Chromebook. Wow, I could have just said that instead of the multiple paragraphs in the blog.
I made kind of a big deal about October 2015, doing a massive Halloween celebration. Decorating the Lawn was my show opener, and I gave some personal history about growing up in a Halloween-loving household.
I always try to avoid putting forth opinions about things that actually matter, but the June 2016 shooting in Orlando really hit me hard. This was probably my most personal blog where I took a moment to process what I was feeling about the horrible event and some of the issues attached to it.
My Own Disney Home (Part One: Under the Mouse's Ears) I worked at Disney for six years, and I thought people might enjoy reading what I thought about the company.
My Own Disney Home (Part Two: Through the Donkey's Eyes) Oh yeah, did I mention for five and a half of those years I was a character performer? I may have picked up a couple of anecdotes.
13 Hitchhiking Ghosts Funny thing, I also have a particular phobia of animatronics. Here's a fun look back at some of my more nightmarish memories.
The 3rd Annual Sci-fi/Fantasy Festival: and the Long Walk Back to Reality Our library holds a free mini-convention every year. Being on the development team is one of the most creatively draining (in the best way) experiences I've had. Here is a look back on how I achieved complete mental exhaustion.
Home is Where the Dogs Are -A Thanksgiving Gathering This is a personal tribute to my family of hounds, terriers, and unidentified. Our souls will always intertwine.


Miscellaneous

And finally, here are the posted blogs that don't really fit easily into any other category. Most of these are image heavy.

This is a Test -My first blog! I was way too proud of myself.
Zork Elements -If you've ever played the Zork games, then you're familiar with their 'list parodies' of the months of the year, major holidays, etc. I decided to do that with the periodic table. It took way longer than you'd think.
The Ampersand -This was a class project in Library School. I had to create a mini-graphic novel using toondoo.com. I even drew one character myself. I's as exciting as it sounds.
Thinking Without Portals (part one, two, and three) -One of my contributions to the Hoover Library's adult game night program. GLaDOS is back, and claims to need your help defeating a dangerous virus. Surely there can't be an ulterior motive.
Super Mario P.I. -Another game night entry. A Nintendo relic has been stolen and Toad has rounded up the usual suspects. Can Mario discover the culprit? There is a secret level that nobody seems to have bothered looking for yet. You'll have to contact me directly to get to it.
The Twelfth Toll -My biggest puzzle-based story; this one themed around the survival/horror genre of video games. Visit part one, two, three, and four if you think you've got what it takes.
The Zodiac's Labyrinth was part of my Halloween 2016 blog series. I hadn't done any puzzle design in a while and I wanted another shot at it. This serves as kind of a maze from Aries to Pisces.
The Video Game Christmas Parade -One final game night exhibition. This one was fairly well received. Of course we were bribing the attendees with prizes, but you only get so far on integrity.


S1: The Tomb of Horrors (Live Version) -Did you know you can use PowerPoint to create a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure? As of this writing I've done three for our Sci-fi/Fantasy Festivals, one of which was based on the classic D&D dungeon crawl to end dungeon crawls, the Tomb of Horrors. Here's a taste of what the end result was like, in parts one and two.

Editorial: Sarasaland's Superstar (Why Princess Daisy Needs Her Own Game)

A bit of trivia I learned about thirty seconds ago, Daisy is the only major female character in the Mario series not created by Shigeru Miyamoto.

So let's talk Princess "Hi, I'm" Daisy. When you consider any of the Mario sports/racing titles that progress according to 'cup' difficulty, the sequence always goes Mushroom-Flower-Star-and usually Special. And while Nintendo hasn't given us that "Special" Mario princess as of yet (unless you want to argue in favor of Zelda's extension) we've got our big three represented by Peach, Daisy, and Rosalina.

Now don't get me wrong, I love Rosalina. She's a great addition to the lineup. But I can't help noticing that she got fast-tracked around Daisy, appearing in both a main console platformer and the Smash series before Daisy has been invited into either. As such, Daisy has gone from decades of living in Peach's shadow to a classic middle child relegation. Warning Nintendo: do you really want Miss 'Yay-Hah!' Extrovert to start repressing those feelings?

But let's back it up some. Daisy admittedly started out as a Peach clone, and many of her well-defined characteristics come from various game designers intentionally distinguishing her from her predecessor. And that reminds me of an anecdote.

Do you remember Fraggle Rock? Well, damn it! Go watch the entire series right now! No, not the animated one, just the good stuff. That wonderful performance of the athletic powerhouse Red Fraggle was given to us by a then-scared fledgling Muppeteer named Karen Prell, who wanted so badly to get cast as the motherly artist Mokey (the character she related to). Prell didn't connect with Red at first, and you can see in the earliest episodes how she's playing at the character without really finding the heart of her.

It wasn't until episode 7 "I Want to Be You" where Prell figured out who Red was by figuring out who Mokey was, and stripping that away. From then on, Red became a much stronger character, maybe even an unofficial template for strong female characters before that demand was really voiced. At that time, traits like 'headstrong', 'opinionated', and 'competitive' tended to have negative connotations; especially when applied to females. But through Red, these aspects were presented in a positive light, both as strengths to be used constructively and as weaknesses to be overcome in constructive ways.

There exists a parallel between Red/Mokey and Daisy/Peach. Daisy was created in Peach's mold, and for a while she may as well just have been Peach in disguise. But then the characters started growing and getting voice actresses. Peach became Nintendo's 'Disney Princess'. Peach is proper, refined, and concerned with behaving "the way a princess should", which naturally opens her up to a lot of the same criticisms Cinderella and that crowd get regarding passiveness.

Certainly fair conversations to have, but it's also worth putting into perspective. Peach is in a traditional homemaker role; baking, having dinner parties, pouring tea. In Japanese culture this role is treated with high respect. Here in the States it tends to be associated with patriarchal expectation. Let me go on record at this point and say that feminism is a really REALLY good thing that we honestly all need, but it's also important to remember that people can express feminism in different ways. A woman who wants to be a homemaker has as much claim to feminism as a woman who wants to be an auto mechanic. So no shame in homemaking, that's who Peach is.

Daisy is not that.

The Mario Party series began claiming pretty early on that Daisy was a tomboy, but at that point you just had to take their word for it.

Then she got a voice. God. Bless. Deanna. Mustard. How can you not find that passion for everything contagious? "Woo-hoo! The mail came! Water bill? YES!" Mustard delivers every line at an eleven on the exuberance scale, and it creates a unique dynamic with the character. She's excited. About whatever she's doing. And she's so happy to be doing it. And somehow it comes across as pure confidence without ever crossing into pride. Whereas Peach forces herself into "Oh, did I win?" humility, Daisy doesn't need anyone's permission to feel good about her success. And yeah, I know some people find her annoying, but I happen to find those people annoying so let's never acknowledge them again.

So why should Daisy have her own game? Well, let's look at it from a marketing standpoint. Girls play video games. They've been playing as long as boys have, even if the market itself has been less than encouraging to them. Now I don't think there's any real demographic of non-gaming females who have just been waiting for Super Princess Daisy, but there's something to be said for the industry recognizing a demographic that already exists. With Daisy, there would be a whole subtext that would speak volumes for itself. Namely, if video games appeared within the Mario universe, Daisy would most likely be a gamer girl. And she would kick ass doing it. A game with Daisy as the protagonist would read as Nintendo's acknowledgement and/or gratitude to the vast number of women who have supported the years of Mario and Zelda titles.

There's also the problem of saturation that the revolving door of Mario platformers often seep into. With a platforming game, you want familiarity but you also want individuality. Super Princess Daisy would have a character we already know, but one we also don't know enough about. Hence, there's a real potential to play with the formula and moveset. We already know how Mario, Luigi, Yoshi, and Peach move through a level, but Daisy has some wiggle room. Depending on the hardware, you could create a whole new arsenal of athletic stunts to employ in defeating obstacles; a thing or two that only Daisy can pull off.

And then there's the fact that Daisy has such a strong personality, yet we really don't know that much about her. It would be nice to explore her thought processes a little, get to know her more. Maybe use her to help flesh out a smidge more about the Mario universe as a whole.

This is what I think Super Princess Daisy should be like. It's a platformer (I'm not going to try to describe level design ideas), but unlike her colleagues who always require rescue missions as motivation, Daisy only needs the call of adventure to get her out the door. Maybe it's a mountain that needs climbing or a wilderness landscape that has yet to be explored. Maybe Sarasaland is responsible for building the pipe transit systems that everybody uses to get around, but it requires someone of prowess to get into difficult to reach places first.

From there, it's about style. Mario has a tendency to break the fourth wall at the beginning and end of an adventure, welcoming and thanking the player respectively. Daisy should talk to the player the whole game. She knows she's in a video game and she knows you're out there. Small victories shift from "I did it!" to "We did it!" She cheers you on as much as she cheers herself. And failure results in a death glare from her (you're the one with the controller). In the end, whatever location she's been trying to get to is reached. The reward is the arrival of her Mushroom Kingdom friends through the planted pipe to spend a little leisure time in some virtual playground at the top of the mountain.

Or maybe she even gets to sled or hang glide back down. What could be more Daisy than that?